Hellzbellzah!
Week of 09/27/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Hasan Nasrallah, Hezbollah leader and force in Middle East, dies at 64
–– Doing what he loved best –– plotting Israeli deaths.
Opinion | I see Howard of the 1980s in Kamala Harris
–– The Duck?
Who was Hassan Nasrallah, Hezbollah chief killed in Israel strike on Lebanon? 5 things to know about him
–– 2. Always dug big bangs.
Kamala Harris and Donald Trump Agree to Participate in Dueling TelevisaUnivision Town Halls
–– Like mark of Zero.
Padma Lakshmi: As a Chef, Here’s What I See in Kamala Harris
–– Just desserts?
Opinion | As space czar, Kamala Harris never took flight
–– Neo-NASA propaganda.
Whoopi Goldberg tells Joe Biden on “The View” she 'didn’t like' public pleas for him to step down: 'You were my ride-or-die'
–– Her rent-a-wreck.
Opinion - Trump is at 48 percent. How could this be possible but for widespread racism?
–– Idiot brother of general ignorance.
Trump gunman said to have left note: ‘This was an assassination attempt’
–– Signed ‘xoxo.’
Alina Habba calls Trump assassination attempts an ’embarrassment’ to Biden administration
–– And shooters.
Man charged with attempted assassination of Trump at Florida golf course as case is assigned to Judge Aileen Cannon
–– Is she only f**king judge in god-forsaken state?
Trump Calls MSNBC Host A 'Bimbo' After She Makes Case For Voting Against Him
–– Like soft white bread.
Trump says eggs are $5 under Kamala - and claims salmon was $4.99 when he was president
–– Week-old fish bought to serve in Trump Tower restaurants.
Melania Trump was paid for a rare appearance at a political event. It’s not clear who cut the unusual six-figure check
–– Husband has to pay her $20 per utterance at home.
Trump says he won't run again if he loses in November
–– And you can always take at word.
Why do people still back Trump, after everything? 5 things to understand about MAGA supporters’ thinking
–– 2. Macroplastics in brains.
Leading pollster warns Americans ‘should make contingency plans’ ahead of possible Trump win
–– Move somewhere without damned pollsters.
Casino mogul Steve Wynn told Trump point-blank that he’s ‘off message’ in race for White House
–– No Wynn situation.
Trump Media co-founder and former ‘Apprentice’ contestant dumps about $100 million worth of stock
–– Suggests new name Dump Media.
Harris Campaign Trolls Trump With Brutal Reminder Of His Tanking Stock Price
–– Truth hurts.
Project 2025 mastermind allegedly told colleagues he killed a dog with a shovel
–– Laying it on thick.
Trump avoids talking about embattled Mark Robinson at N.C. rally
–– Rutting elephant in room.
Crunchtime for Election Interference: October Is the Month of Mischief
–– Expect Loki response.
Vance says allegations against Mark Robinson 'aren't necessarily reality'
–– Suggests Americans all living in Matrix.
Mark Robinson’s Top Aides Scramble for the Exits After Porn Forum Exposé
–– Trying to pull out before money's shot.
Trump Bashes Oprah Over Harris Event In Late Night Meltdown: 'This Isn't The Real' Her
–– O really?
House to take up new funding bill as some Republicans fear a 'galactically stupid' shutdown
–– Defying their Galactus, Trump.
Olivia Nuzzi and RFK Jr’s Affair Was Exposed Because He Bragged to Friends About Her Nudes (Report)
–– Insisted he’d like to “bag that bare.”
RFK Jr. may sue Olivia Nuzzi after writer ‘bombarded’ him with ‘increasingly pornographic’ pics and videos: report
–– Threatened to send shot of his worm.
Keith Olbermann Details Past “Wholesome” Relationship With Olivia Nuzzi: “It’s Pretty Boring”
–– Assholesome with him.
Angela Alsobrooks improperly claimed tax deductions on DC, Maryland properties, records show
–– Cooked ‘also books.’
Cruz gets heated after Booker blocks deepfake revenge porn bill
–– Posts with pic of Booker humping hooker.
NYC Mayor Eric Adams indicted on 5 federal public corruption charges, including bribery and wire fraud
–– Takes Turkish bath.
AOC calls on Mayor Adams to resign amid swirl of federal probes
–– Served combination vanilla/shit cone.
David Banks, New York City’s Schools Chancellor, to Resign
–– Banksrupted.
Opinion Hillary Clinton: To err is human, to empathize is superhuman
–– About forgiveness for Whitewater Trumpite. Really.
New York congressman allegedly gave his lover a job – and his fiancee’s daughter, too
–– Evil opportunity employment.
Exploding pagers leave clues to Israeli ‘red button’ plot, officials say
–– Think they got the message.
Israel’s pager attack an intelligence triumph, with uncertain ends
–– Beep, beep, yer ass.
Iran says Hamas leader’s killing in Tehran will not go ‘unanswered’
–– ‘We are still composing message we will leave on Netanyahu’s phone!’
Putin lowers threshold of nuclear response as he issues new warnings to the West over Ukraine
–– Targets Westeros, Narnia, Oz.
Trump says Ukraine is 'dead' and dismisses its defense against Russia's invasion
–– Kyiv us a break.
Ukraine’s strike on a missile storage facility destroyed enough ammo to impact Russian attacks for months, experts say
–– Putin suggests launching soldiers with grenade bandoliers over border.
As Taliban starts restricting men, too, some regret not speaking up sooner
–– When fanatics would have listened to reason.
For the first time, Hong Kong imprisons a journalist for sedition
–– Chinese take to cleaners, press suit.
China’s newest nuclear-powered submarine sank earlier this year, US officials say
–– Screen window design criticized by Central Committee.
Diddy Is Reportedly Worried For His Children And Wants To Talk To Them As He Spends Time In Jail
–– With him, young people didn’t always come first.
Sean Combs and Sam Bankman-Fried are Sleeping in the Same Brooklyn Jail Cell
–– Organize freak offs with lubed roaches.
‘The View’: Whoopi Encourages ‘Grace’ for Janet Jackson’s Harris Comment Since She’s ‘Not a Political Animal’ and Is in Mourning
–– Not more appropriate ‘disgrace?’
Paulina Porizkova explains why she broke down in tears 5 years after husband's death: 'I pretended I was fine'
–– ‘Then I realized I hadn’t been in headline for two days, and didn’t want to strip.’
How Boy Meets World ’s Ben Savage Views Maitland Ward's Porn Career
–– Incognito mode.
Willow Smith Says “Musicianship Is Going to Become the Next Clout” Ahead of ‘Empathogen’ Deluxe Release
–– Because it never previously counted in her career.
Julianne Hough Says Seeing Her Ex-Husband and His Girlfriend at a Wedding Helped Her Feel 'Fullness of Life' (Exclusive)
–– Didn’t leave in Hough?
Paul Wesley on How He and Ian Somerhalder’s Brother’s Bond Bourbon Isn’t a “Celebrity Bulls***, Cash Grab”
–– “Like who’d consider us celebrities?”
Nielsen Streaming Top 10: ‘Rings of Power’ Takes Second Place With 1.2 Billion Minutes Watched as ‘Prison Break’ Holds No. 1
–– Couldn’t beat series nearly as old as Gandalf.
There Are Only 21 Movies That Have Ever Gotten An "F" Rating From CinemaScore — How Many Have You Seen?
–– Feels like 2,100 of them.
Jamie Foxx looked like a proud father as he walked his daughter Corrine down the aisle
–– Is this review of performance?
Samuel L. Jackson Signed His First Marvel Offer for Nine Movies and Wondered: ‘How Long Do You Have to Stay Alive to Make Nine Movies?’
–– Or one good one?
Ellen DeGeneres Strikes Back: “Mean, Old and Gay — The Triple Crown”
–– Quadruple –– don’t forget white.
Lily Collins didn’t realize Phil Collins' Genesis songs were real: 'I thought that was a melody in my head'
–– In the airhead tonight.
Iconic 90s sitcom star looks unrecognizable with trim frame and scruffy beard - but can you guess who it is?
–– Or are you blindfolded with spike through skull?
Original Dumbledore Actor's Son Says 'I Don't Understand' Why “Harry Potter” TV Reboot Is Happening
–– Expecto Lucre!
Ian Somerhalder on Why He Walked Away From Acting
–– Or did acting take FI race car away from him?
Nick Cannon regrets lowballing his $10 million insurance policy on his balls: 'Should’ve been $12 million'
–– Now would somebody please kick him there?
Prince Harry's Emotional Plea: 'My Lock Screen Is a Picture of My Kids—What's Yours?' as He Highlights Social Media Dangers
–– Saves Meghan for OnlyFans avatar.
How to cover the worst MLB team ever without going (too) insane
–– Put sox over eyes.
Opinion Oakland native and pitching legend on the A’s leaving the Town
–– Dick’s Athletics supporter.
Rare Magritte painting could fetch a record $95 million at New York auction
–– Surreal bargain.
Man smashes Ai Weiwei sculpture at Italy art show opening
–– Went Ai Weiwei.
Virginia school picture photographer loses job after allegedly asking young students, 'Can I eat your soul?'
–– Way more effective than 'say cheese' to get attention.
Penn Suspends Law Professor Amy Wax Over Claims of Racist, Offensive Comments
–– Didn’t Wax poetic?
Why “lighthouse parents” have more confident kids
–– They’ve already survived childhood shipwreck.
The Ultimate Training Plan for a Stronger, Healthier Penis
–– With deep-peen bends.
I Decentered Men. Decentering Desire for Men Is Harder.
–– Especially if they're decenter?
The Secrets of a Park Avenue Doorman
–– In case of you want to blackmail instead of give Christmas tip.
FBI boards ship managed by same parent company as vessel that hit Key Bridge
–– Not Francis Scott free?
The U.S. News College Rankings Are Out. Cue the Rage and Obsession.
–– Over what failed news mag out of print since 2010 writes.
Opinion | Why not give others presents on your birthday?
–– Acquaintances of this patsy take note.
Your phone’s ‘5G’ icon and signal bars are lying to you
–– Why, you bastards, we oughta…
Former John Kerry staffer arrested on Nantucket for allegedly writing $1.5M bad check
–– That is extremely naughty check.
Drug lord El Chapo’s wife ‘reborn’ on Milan catwalk
–– Husband’s former customers honor her.
More than 200 vehicles wreak havoc across Philadelphia prompting police crackdown
–– There’s the rubber.
Swiss police make arrests over suspected death in ‘suicide capsule’
–– Found method ‘hard to swallow.’
Killer mom Susan Smith brags she’s well behaved behind bars in early release bid: report
–– Threatened to drown self if she wasn't.
A pet cat got lost in Yellowstone. Somehow, it wandered nearly 1,000 miles back home
–– We know it didn’t because, unlike editor, we read story.
Beloved Australian chicken with famous name tossed into alligator pen, shocking wildlife park visitors: report
–– Fowl mouthed.
More than 450 pets go to Cathedral service
–– Ushers issued pewper scoops.
Woman Says She Won't Let Friend Bring Emotional Support Animal to Her Home After It Destroyed Her Furniture
–– Unless her emotional support honey badger can have go at it.
Punching Octopuses Lead Fish on Hunting Parties
–– Eight is enough?
Why do octopus punch fish? Science has a compelling theory
–– Just look at that face.
A fearsome, prehistoric, sea monster's jaw complete with terrifying club-shaped teeth – designed to crush turtles - has been found in Texas
–– Thanks, now we can skip boring article.
Mysterious 'Mechanical-Sounding' Noise Near the Mariana Trench May Now Have an Explanation
–– Techno-pop squid band.
Extinction of dwarf elephants and hippos directly linked to humans
–– Charged with petty larceny.
This Cheese Stood Alone for 3,600 Years
–– Stunk that bad?
Mathematicians Discover a New Class of Shape: the 'Soft Cell'
–– And its lost hit.
Europe’s Heat Pumps Put America’s to Shame
–– Sample put-down: ‘You call zat varm? My maintenance team’s fartzen are making more hotsy-totsy!’
Broadway Theaters to Dim Lights for James Earl Jones
–– The Great White Hope Way.
Cat Glover, Singer and Dancer Who Worked With Prince, Dies at 60
–– Left behind kitten named Mittens?
Mercury Morris, who helped Dolphins win two Super Bowls, dies at 77
–– Mercury descending.
Kathryn Crosby, Actor and Widow of Bing Crosby, Dies at 90
–– Pretty sure she thought she was actress.
