The Carnivore of Animals
Week of 09/13/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump turned to an ex-Democrat to help with his debate prep. It didn’t work
–– Tulsi gab bad.
New poll delivers warning signals to Harris
–– Over 70 mil Americans still identify as fools.
Trump insiders reveal he did more prep for poor Harris debate than for Biden showdown: ‘They were stunned’
–– Codenamed Preparation H.
Trump pushes false claims about migrants eating dogs in Springfield, Ohio
–– For dumb beasts who’ll swallow anything.
Are Haitians eating ducks in Springfield, Ohio? That's the least of the city's immigrant problems
–– Eating duck? Gross!
Ohio police have 'no credible reports' of Haitian immigrants harming pets, contradicting JD Vance's claim
–– But Springfield officers are 'pretty sure a Mr. H. Simpson must've in 35 seasons.'
How a Naked Man on a Tropical Island Created Our Current Political Insanity
–– We’ve all been kicked off Saint Lucider.
Here’s Why Trump Was Forced to Say That He Only Has ‘Concepts of a Plan’
–– Can almost envision pen, pad.
Panicking Trump Has Desperate New Excuse Not to Debate Harris Again
–– Can’t stop mouth from moving.
Trump Loses It at Fox Host Who Said He Didn’t Win the Debate: ‘I Actually Prefer the Losers at CNN’
–– ‘As long as I’m with other losers.’
Laura Loomer, far-right provocateur who spread 9/11 conspiracy theory, influencing Trump as he searches for a message
–– Looner.
Trump’s time with Loomer, a far-right activist, upsets his GOP allies
–– Want him to repeat their crazy shit.
Trump Tower ruled a public nuisance after thousands of fish die
–– Trump Campaign ruled bio-hazard after smelling like thousands of fish died.
Karl Rove Flips Donald Trump's Insult For Kamala Harris On Ex-President
–– Is there slur worse than ‘Bush’s Brain’?
Don Jr confronted by restaurant owner who says he lost half his customers over Trump support
–– No more blue plate special.
Donald Trump Predicts Taylor Swift Will “Pay a Price” For Endorsing Kamala Harris
–– Far fewer senior citizens at concerts.
Megyn Kelly Says ‘F You, Taylor Swift’ in Dramatic Tirade After Singer Endorses Kamala Harris: ‘Taylor and Travis Kelce Are the Epitomes of Elite Snobs’
–– Kelly bloop book.
Hear what Bill O'Reilly thinks of Harris and Trump's debate performances
–– Any other shamed, washed-up blowhards you wanna hear from?
Mark Ruffalo Says Kamala Harris ‘Crushed’ Trump in the Debate and ‘Baited Him’ to Sputter Out; Nick Offerman Calls It ‘A Good Old-Fashioned Ass-Whupping’
–– Is she finally making headway with liberal Hollywood?
Former Project 2025 Leader Accuses Trump Campaign Advisers of ‘Malpractice’
–– How about 'Treason'?
Why Kamala Harris has shifted her stance on oil drilling
–– Slips up.
Harris Courts Polish American Votes in Pennsylvania
–– Needs to work on polka steps.
Bill Maher Slams Cheryl Hines Trolls After RFK Jr. Backed Trump
–– Hines catch-up.
Could Two New Docs Subtly Change the Presidential Election?
–– If they prescribe euthanasia drugs.
Biden cease-fire push falters again after new demand by Hamas
–– Only chips they have are of teeth.
Justice Alito Reported $900 Concert Tickets From a German Princess
–– The Princess and the Fraud.
Senator Tommy Tuberville blocks promotion of top military commander over defense secretary’s secret hospitalization
–– He blocks promotions when he gets bad service in Dirksen cafeteria.
Police Commissioner Set to Quit as Investigations Batter Adams’s Circle
–– Caban fever.
Mayor Brandon Johnson enacts citywide hiring freeze ahead of $1B budget gap
–– Chicago deep pain pizza.
Transgender Lawmaker Wins Democratic Primary for Delaware’s Only House Seat
–– BOGO vote.
U.S. demands IDF change West Bank operations after American’s killing
–– Netanyahu pledges to cater 'lovely spread' for memorial service.
How Hamas Uses Brutality to Maintain Power
–– So they’re not 4-H Club?
Hamas leader sends letters from hiding after almost a year of silence
–– Israel checking return address.
Biden Poised to Approve Ukraine’s Use of Long-Range Western Weapons in Russia
–– "I mean they already think I'm goofy, I'm almost outta here, and Sam Alito says I can do anything I f**kin' like."
Putin warns NATO will be ‘at war with Russia’ if it allows Ukraine to use Western long-range missiles against it
–– NATO vs. Nut-o?
Russia’s election influence efforts show sophistication, officials say
–– How many stars in Yelp review?
Opinion | Terrorism warning lights are ‘blinking red again.’ This group is a big reason.
–– Traffic department?
The Defense Secretary Revoked a Plea Deal in the 9/11 Case. Or Did He?
–– Aw, who could revoke deal with face like that?
Iran turns to Hells Angels and other criminal gangs to target critics
–– Are hogs halal?
Bill Gates says the world is facing two options: A ‘major war’ or another pandemic in less than 30 years
–– Serious case of flu clear favorite.
The Emmys are the most irrelevant and pointless award show
–– Emty awards.
Whoopi Goldberg Says No One Should Be Surprised Beyoncé Was 'Snubbed' by 2024 CMA Awards
–– Or interested.
Kathy Bates Talks Retirement, Says ‘Matlock’ Series Is Her “Last Dance”
–– Very slow two-step.
Cate Blanchett Says ‘Carol’ Was ‘So Hard to Get Funded’ Because ‘No One Wanted to See’ a Film With ‘Two Women Falling in Love’
–– ‘And most expensive popular medium ever is meant to give public what it doesn’t want.’
Kate Winslet Says Female Actors Showing Their Bodies and Not Wearing Makeup on Camera Is ‘Not F—ing Brave: ‘I’m Not in the Ukraine. I’m Doing a Job’
–– In Ukraine all women makeup-free, naked.
John Travolta Gushes Over 'Breathtaking' Hollywood Actress: 'One Can Only Dream'
–– ‘She was a man.’
Jude Law Says Full-Frontal Nudity in Ron Howard's Eden Was a 'Challenge': 'We All Had to Be Audacious'
–– Dong by Law.
Colin Farrell Complained About ‘The Penguin’ That ‘I F—ing Want It to Be Finished,’ Thought After Wrapping: ‘I Never Want to Put That F—ing Suit on Again’
–– 'The black tie, cummerbund and tails too formal!'
Jamie Lee Curtis said the secret to her 40-year marriage is a 'really good dose of hatred'
–– Beef my Guest.
Demi Moore and the Subversive Politics of the Naked Bod
–– Sometimes a fake boob is just a fake boob.
Michael Long Brings Liverpool to Oldenburg With ‘Baby Brother’: “My City Has Never Been Shown the Way It Should”
–– 'An' 'at's after me own jarg premiere, mate.'
Orlando Bloom Lost 52 Pounds in Three Months for Boxing Drama ‘The Cut’: ‘You Feed Somebody Tuna and Cucumber Long Enough…’
–– We expected 54, refuse to see.
‘Wheel of Fortune’ Host Ryan Seacrest Doesn’t Mention Pat Sajak By Name in First Episode, But Says He Has ‘Big Shoes to Fill’
–– By peeing in them.
Heidi Klum Reveals Some of the Items Within Her “Sex Closet"
–– Moth's balls.
Justin Timberlake Pleads Guilty in Drunk Driving Case, Ordered to Pay $500 Fine and Community Service
–– After pledging, 'I'm bringing swervy back.'
Harvey Weinstein indicted on new sexual assault allegations in New York
–– His Lawyer: 'My client is eagerly looking forward to his day in court. Or any place not his cell.'
Megan Thee Stallion Officially a Swiftie, Totally Down For a Taylor Swift Collab: ‘Would Be So Cute Next to Each Other’
–– Like before/after augmentation surgery photos.
–– Hooked on histrionics.
‘SNL’ welcomes three new cast members as Chloe Troast departs
–– Chloe toast.
Princess Charlene of Monaco Shows Monégasque Pride in Red Drop-shoulder Jumpsuit at Monaco’s Annual Traditional Picnic With Twins
–– Monégasque just out there for all to see.
Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Are ‘Incredibly Difficult to Work For’: ‘Nothing Has Changed’
–– Claim son Archie, 5, daughter Lilibet, 3.
Meghan Markle's All-White Outfit Reminds the World Why She's the Queen of Minimalism
–– And Princess of Self-Promotion.
Prince William Once Revealed He Wanted His Marriage to Princess Kate to "Last Forever"
–– Day after he screamed, 'Let me out of here!'
New Statue of Queen Elizabeth Draws Criticism That It Doesn't Resemble the Late Monarch 'In Any Shape or Form'
–– ‘And she weren’t so dark-skinned none either!’
Prince Andrew under financial pressure to move out
–– And stop paying hookers with knickknacks from Royal Lodge.
Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson says he was surprised by latest sexual assault lawsuit
–– Like blind side sack.
Viral Olympian Raygun ranked No. 1 breaker in the world by sport’s governing body
–– We ranked as rankest.
Could Your Favorite TV and Movie Characters Afford Their Homes Today?
–– In Monopoly dollars?
Why we love Monet’s masterpiece, coming to the U.S. for the first time
–– Show me the Monet!
Friday the 13th: The psychology behind the superstition
–– All in head?
Why Do Americans Want to Dress Like Swedes?
–– Figure Northerners are cool?
Dementia risk factors identified in new global report are all preventable – addressing them could reduce dementia rates by 45%
–– Scientists lose minds over news.
Scientists studying ‘Parkinson’s belt’ believe disease is linked to chemicals
–– Notch victory?
Can Weed Improve a Workout?
–– Tight body, flabby mind.
‘I’m a Sex Coach – Here’s the One Thing Woman Want in Bed’
–– Not you.
Harvard’s Black Student Enrollment Dips After Affirmative Action Ends
–– Doesn’t have affirm grip.
High Schoolers Need to Do Less So That They Can Do Better
–– Less is moron.
Discount retailer Big Lots files for bankruptcy
–– Renamed Wee Lil!
Kevin Hart’s California vegan restaurant chain abruptly closes all locations just two years after opening
–– Hart of bomb.
McDonald’s Unveils New Breakfast Offering in Canada That Fans Are Begging to Come to the US
–– Idiots standing at border trying to lure Snack Wraps with live bait.
After 155 years, the Campbell Soup company is changing its name
–– Remove S, O, U, P from alphabet soup.
New beanless 'coffee' emerges but does it taste any good?
–– Bad as any food with quotes around it.
Mother discovers teen daughter was stealing vodka to make pasta sauce
–– Bolognese –– 14-year-old just cooks better drunk.
What's The Best-Selling Steak At Texas Roadhouse?
–– Roadkill round?
Punched in Panera: Unruly customer starts fight in restaurant | Morning in America
–– Ordered roll with punches.
Boar’s Head plant posed an ‘imminent threat’ years before listeria outbreak
–– Boar responsibility.
Alaska Airlines pilot: ‘I was in shock’
–– Which is just what you’re trained for.
On social media, a bullied teen found fame among child predators worldwide
–– Likes with way too many 👅🍭
A hotel is offering ‘self-love pods’ for solo play. Here’s why that’s a thing
–– Jerkoff guests.
Mother Jailed After Refusing To Let Sons Attend Therapy With Father Who’s Accused Of Sexual Assault
–– Afraid parent would abuse privilege.
Sex tourism in Indonesia sells itself as Islamic temporary marriage
–– In Utah gang bangs are Mormon version.
Prostitution on Roosevelt Avenue in Queens is getting worse, residents say
–– Sex workers wear Teddys, roll up to cars in wheelchairs.
Burglary suspect flees police, gets stuck and needs to be rescued
–– Steals our hearts.
Georgia school shooting suspect's dad asks for protection after 'incalculable number of threats' in jail
–– Never was good with math.
Alleged Sinaloa cartel leader 'El Mayo' Zambada pleads not guilty to US drug charges in NY
–– No straight dope?
Prison Where Capote Interviewed Killers for ‘In Cold Blood’ Will Open to Tourists
–– Mock hanging of spouse extra charge.
Senior Rescue Pit Bull Thanks New Mom for Saving Her with the Sweetest Cuddle Session
–– Before gut all session.
‘The tiger had my husband by his throat – I fought to save him with a stick’
–– ‘There was a big rifle, but I was thinking about his insurance policy.’
The Terrifying Way That Eels Escape a Hungry Fish’s Stomach
–– Like worm out of RFK Jr.’s skull.
Thousands of endangered koalas are being put to death in Australia. Here's why
–– Living up to whole ‘endangered’ rep.
Your cat's not broken if it can't catch mice. Its personality is just too nice to kill
–– Have him fixed anyway.
6 blood-sucking animals - that aren't insects
–– 3. My landlord.
Scientists who discovered mammals can breathe through their anuses receive Ig Nobel prize
–– Toots acceptance speech.
Happy the Elephant Hasn’t Been Seen in Months. What’s Going On?
–– Has he packed trunk?
Boeing Starliner capsule returns home from space — without astronauts on board
–– Just their luggage!
What happened to predictions of a ‘historic’ hurricane season?
–– Only thing wet is forecasters’ pants.
Bob Weatherwax, Trainer of Lassie and Other Celebrity Dogs, Dies at 83
–– Buried bones.
Lloyd Ziff, Visionary Photographer and Art Director, Dies at 81
–– Snaps.
Walter G. Ehmer, longtime Waffle House president, dies at 58
–– Pancaked.
Ed Kranepool, longest-tenured Met and 1969 WS champ, dies at 79
–– Struck out.
James Earl Jones, iconic actor and memorable voice of Darth Vader and Mufasa, dead at 93
–– Distinguished career of brilliant actor reduced to kiddie voice work.
Mark Hamill had the most heartbreaking reaction to the death of James Earl Jones
–– ‘Who?’
