Bull of Divorcement
Week of 07/12/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
George Clooney: I Love Joe Biden. But We Need a New Nominee.
–– F**k you and goodnight.
What Biden’s downturn in the polls means
–– Liberal media’s work almost done.
How Biden’s Stumbles Collided With a Right-Wing Conspiracy Theory
–– How about actual left-wing media conspiracy?
Opinion | At what point should Democrats give up on Biden dropping out?
–– Before they started slow-mo suicide attempt.
Biden’s Path to Re-election Has All But Vanished
–– Boy, Fox News is pretty… the NY Times?!
Opinion Are we really going to give Trump a pass? C’mon, man.
–– Yes, WaPo, because you want, need him.
Biden didn't show up for an early evening meeting with the German chancellor because he had to go to bed: report
–– Should’ve been up at 2am hate-tweeting.
4 factors that will determine whether Biden drops out of the 2024 race
–– Besides ‘Lord Almighty’?
George Stephanopoulos Says He ‘Shouldn’t Have’ Commented on President Joe Biden’s Ability to Serve Second Term
–– If he was actual journalist.
Biden Is ‘Becoming Trumpian,’ Says Jon Stewart on ‘Weekly Show’ Podcast: His Refusal to Discuss Stepping Down ‘Has Degraded People’s Trust’ (EXCLUSIVE)
–– 'So why not elect real monster so I’ll have something to rant about for next 4 (8? 12?) years!'
Democrats long focused on beating Trump. Now they’re divided on what to do.
–– Masochists love beating up selves, own candidate.
Biden tells Hill Democrats he won't step aside amid party drama and "it's time for it to end'
–– Drama No Country for Old Men.
Biden didn't show up for an early evening meeting with the German chancellor because he had to go to bed: report
–– Could’ve gone, napped while Scholz droned on.
Inflation Cooled Further in June
–– What senile old man can we blame?
IRS reports collecting $1 billion from rich households’ back taxes
–– There audit be a law.
NATO on the Edge: Biden Praises and Trump Denigrates a 75-Year Alliance
–– Trump, 'Why's the Green Hornet even need a sidekick?'
Trump’s VP choice may be down to 3. Here’s what each brings.
–– Utter lack of shame.
Reporter: Trump’s dislike of facial feature could affect VP pick
–– Isn’t brain more ‘cranial feature?’
Why is everyone talking about Project 2025? How young influencers drove the conversation
–– In new definition of ‘conversation.’
New York judge throws out Rudy Giuliani’s bankruptcy case
–– Unless it relates to his morality.
Oath Keepers attorney Kellye SoRelle to plead guilty in Jan. 6 case
–– So real.
The ‘QAnon Shaman’ wants his helmet and spear back but the Justice Department objects
–– Claims he was ‘hornswoggled.’
Ocasio-Cortez introduces articles of impeachment against Supreme Court Justices Thomas and Alito
–– Impeach cobbler.
A ‘preposterous’ defense, prosecutor in Bob Menendez trial concludes
–– Admits grudging admiration for sense of graft.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Botches Basic American History In Most Humiliating Way
–– If she was in any way capable of experiencing humility.
Trump-appointed judge in Alaska resigns over sexual misconduct
–– Baked.
Divided France enters uncharted political territory after historic vote
–– Gauche off the rails.
Intelligence on Russian sabotage threat prompted increase in security at US military bases in Europe
–– Bears watching.
US and Germany foiled Russian plot to assassinate CEO of arms manufacturer sending weapons to Ukraine
–– West up in arms.
Russian missile attacks kill at least 41, hit children's hospital, Ukraine says
–– Would be kind of upsetting if missile was Israeli.
Modi bear-hugs Putin in Moscow, marking deep ties between Russia and India
–– Like two tiny bears on Fire Island.
U.S. and allies take down Russian ‘bot farm’ powered by AI
–– Vegetal reality.
France’s Army Is Singing for Ukraine
–– Wearing slit skirts, tight striped sweaters, berets,
Number of prostitutes registered in Germany rises slightly
–– Experiences shtuptick.
What is China’s ‘monster’ coast guard ship and why is the Philippines spooked by it?
–– China stole patents from Japan, reproduced Rodan, Ghidorah.
Looks of disbelief and elation in the court gallery as judge threw out the case against Alec Baldwin
–– Rust sleeps.
Actor known for roles on ‘Bob’s Burgers’ and ‘Arrested Development’ pleads guilty over role in Capitol attack
–– This week in ‘Arrested Developments.’
M. Night Shyamalan Says Inspiration for ‘Trap’ Was ‘Silence of the Lambs’ Meets Taylor Swift Concert
–– Which studio exec bought that claptrap?
The Story Behind 'Bewitched's' Two Darrins: Why The Series Recast The Co-Lead In Season 6
–– Darrin to be different.
Danny Elfman Hit With Defamation Lawsuit by Fellow Composer Who Accuses Him of Egregious Sexual Harassment
–– Couldn’t keep pixie in pants.
Ellen DeGeneres Says 'I Am Not Mean' and 'I'm Done' With Fame After Next Netflix Special: 'This Is the Last Time You're Going to See Me'
–– What a DeGeneres offer.
Remake of Sergio Leone’s Clint Eastwood Starrer ‘Fistful of Dollars’ in the Works
–– More like ‘Fistful of Vaseline.’
Lena Dunham Says She’s Not Making Polly Pocket Movie: “I Don’t Think I Have That in Me”
–– Talent’s about right size.
‘Longlegs’ Director Says Nicolas Cage Stayed “Very Focused” on Character Between Takes But Without “Any Sort of Method-Acting Bull****”
–– ‘Saved that for when camera rolled.’
John Corbett Shares Career Regret: ‘It’s Been Unfulfilling’ Only Being an Actor in Hollywood and ‘I Picked the F—ing Wrong Thing to Do With My Life’
–– Most viewers would agree.
Matthew Perry Feared To Have Been Swapping Drugs With Fellow Addict Friends
–– Real Friends.
Eminem Disses Diddy Multiple Times on New Album, 'The Death of Slim Shady'
–– Diddy squat.
Kevin Costner’s ‘Horizon 2’ Pulled From August Release in Theaters After First Film Flops
–– Cow flops.
Tom Cruise's 'Risky Business' Co-Star Described Him as the 'Biggest Bore' in Resurfaced Interview
–– Yeah, more Tom Snooze!
‘House of the Dragon’ Actor Eve Best on Rhaenys’ Game-Changing Scene and Filming That Epic Dragon Battle: ‘She Had to Take That Responsibility’
–– And was Bested.
Zoë Kravitz Says 'P—y Island' Got New Title After 'Women Were Offended' and 'Roadblocks' From MPA, Movie Theaters: 'P—y Is a Word Society Isn't Ready to Embrace'
-– Sounds cock sure.
Alicia Witt's 'Longlegs' Performance Was So Dark She Refuses to Watch it: 'It's What Came Out of Me That I Don't Want to See'
–– We don’t know if we want to see what came out of her.
As Redbox Collapses, 1,000 Employees Haven’t Been Paid, Judge Says
–– Were being compensated in 1990s dollars.
Alice Munro's daughter says stepfather abused her but late author stood by him
–– Short story long.
Clarkson offered landlady £1m for pub within minutes of meeting her
–– As long as it took for him to bang back 3 pints.
Prince Harry shows playful side with Prince Archie in father-son moment you might have missed
–– If you were lucky.
Queen Victoria's Favorite Food Was One She Ate Nearly Every Day
–– We-are-not-amuse-bouche.
Djokovic lets rip after majestic performance, Zverev bows out 'on one leg'
–– Blows hole clean through shorts.
Becoming a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Is Like Getting Into Harvard
–– For Bimbo of Arts degree.
Michael Jordan and Wife Yvette Prieto Hold Hands as They Board a Boat During Saint-Tropez Vacation
–– Hands? Held them? Incredible!
Australian museum admits that ‘Picassos’ hanging in restroom are fake
–– And he never really had 'Yellow Period.'
AT&T says criminals stole phone records of 'nearly all' customers in new data breach
–– Calls in question.
USA Today transformed the media world for good. What’s its legacy now?
–– Colorful birdcage liner.
Medical school is now free for most students at this top university after a $1 billion donation
–– Because how could doctor ever pay back student loan?
Students Target Teachers in Group TikTok Attack, Shaking Their School
–– Goodbye Mr. Computer Chips.
A Gen X dad supercommutes from Texas to Arizona every week. He explains why it's worth it for his career — despite the extra costs.
–– X as in X-hausted.
It was their dream home until the hoarder next door turned it into a pricey prison
–– Filled with tchotchkes!
A frantic new mom called 911 when her milk dried up. This officer knew just what to do
–– Used cuffs as nipple clamps.
I Asked 4 Food Editors To Name the Best Jarred Marinara—They All Said the Same Brand
–– Rao hope.
McDonald’s bringing back ‘everyone’s favorite sandwich’
–– This week in 'Free Advertising.'
B.J. Novak Says His Famous Friends Are 'Relieved' When He Suggests a Fast Food Restaurant Over 'the Cool New Place'
–– Have to ‘relieve’ selves immediately after.
Nick Wehry accused of cheating in Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, per report
–– Wehry of strangers.
We Asked 3 Chefs to Name the Best Potato Chips, and They All Said the Same Thing
–– ‘Piss off!’
Woman Who Moved into New Home Has 'No Words' After 98-Year-Old Neighbor Shows Up on Doorstep with Gift
–– His dead cat tied with ribbon.
I got inked by the world’s oldest tattoo artist
–– Skull tattoo was self-portrait.
This City Was Voted Best in the U.S. for the 12th Straight Year by T+L Readers, Who Say It ‘Can Compete With Any European Capital’
–– Built by African slave labor.
My son wanted to go to Disneyland. We did this instead and it was just as magical
–– As these!
Passengers got into an argument so heated about switching seats that their Ryanair flight had to turn back after just a few minutes
–– Took hours to rewind rubber band for next flight.
Police Pull Over Car for Driving on Wrong Side of Road, Startled to Discover It Has No Driver
–– And officer was Robocop!
Climbers in Malibu find abandoned German Shepherd with zip ties around mouth, neck
–– Safe word on collar tag.
Blue Heeler Tasting Ice Cream for First Time Has a Near Out-of-Body Experience
–– Has two pooper scoops.
"We nearly fell off our chairs!" Scientists stunned to find rare ocean bird that actually chases tropical cyclones
–– Was it high winds?
Florida residents were shocked to see a manatee swimming in their human-made lake. A biologist thinks she knows how it got there.
–– Such a manatease.
Crossbow killings suspect found after attack on BBC journalist’s wife and daughters
–– Nocked up.
Angry mob swarms person of interest as cops wheel him out on stretcher in homicide of woman found in sleeping bag
–– Saved cost of body bag.
Freeze-dried woolly mammoths share their genetic secrets with scientists
–– And gastronomical secrets with adventurous chefs!
A prehistoric innovation marked a major shift in how humans dress, scientists say
–– Ruffled sleeves.
A Newly Discovered Ancient Artifact Comes With a Threat: ‘Whoever Breaks This Will Die”
–– Hittite fart cushion.
Archaeologists Stumble Upon Marble Statue of Greek God in Ancient Sewer
–– Feces?
Neolithic Europeans Walked Around With 5.5-Centimeter Holes In Their Skulls
–– Cooler heads prevailed.
Severe drought is expanding over the D.C. area. Will meaningful rain ever come?
–– Maybe if you write heartfelt invite.
Nearly half of adult cancer deaths in the US could be prevented by making lifestyle changes, study finds
–– Or hypothesizes?
SpaceX’s Falcon 9 rocket suffers engine failure during satellite launch
–– Uncrewed, not unscrewed.
Daylight shows scope of destruction after Hurricane Beryl makes landfall in Texas
–– Beryled through.
Anger mounts in southeast Texas as crippling power outages and heat turn deadly
–– Houston rackets.
AI brings soaring emissions for Google and Microsoft, a major contributor to climate change
–– As cow shit will.
FEMA will now consider climate change when it rebuilds after floods
–– Reaches FEMA pitch.
Like early germ theory, can climate change be addressed without people believing it?
–– As 'whatsitsname?'
‘Playing COVID roulette': Some infected by FLiRT variants report their most unpleasant symptoms yet
–– With most odiously named variant yet.
Joe Bonsall, Mainstay of Country Music’s Oak Ridge Boys for 50 Years, Dies at 76
–– Tennessee ya later.
Jon Landau, the Oscar-winning 'Titanic' and 'Avatar' producer, dies at 63
–– Submerged.
Jon Landau Remembered by ‘Titanic’ Backer Bill Mechanic: “That Movie Required a Lion, and He Proved He Could Roar”
–– Couldn’t Mechanic tinker with metaphor, try sea lion?
Judy Belushi Pisano, Who Protected the Legacy of Comedian John Belushi, Dies at 73
–– UnWired.
Shelley Duvall, a versatile face of 1970s film, dies at 75
–– Shining through.
