White Choler Crime
Week of 07/19/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
2024 RNC: Trump delivers a message of ‘unity’ in speech — until he doesn’t
–– Embraces divisity.
Trump picks Ohio Sen. JD Vance for vice president
–– Hillbilly allegedly.
Donald Trump Accepts GOP Nomination, Recounts Assassination Attempt: “I Will Not Back Down”
–– Prick up to his ears.
JD Vance, Trump’s VP pick, once called him a ‘moral disaster,’ and possibly ‘America’s Hitler’
–– Because he's likely 'America's Goering.'
J.D. Vance Accused of Hypocrisy for Changing Own Name but Opposing Trans Rights
–– He’s idiot, but that’s stupid.
Amber Rose Says ‘Media Lied’ About Trump in RNC Speech: ‘I Believed the Left-Wing Propaganda’ That He Was ‘Racist’
–– And rapist?
Matt Gaetz’s RNC Look Becomes Center of Jokes and Botox Rumors
–– Obviously took shots to skull.
Police shoot, kill person near RNC perimeter in Milwaukee
–– For practice.
The RNC is over. Here are 5 things you need to know.
–– 5. We. 4. Are 3. Totally. 2. Freakin’. 1. Screwed.
How photographers captured the Trump assassination attempt
–– How do cameras work again?
After Shooting at Trump Rally, Officials Say R.N.C. Security Is ‘Ready to Go’
–– On coffee break?
After Trump Assassination Attempt, Right Points Finger at Female Agents
–– Then replaces in ass.
The Attack on Donald Trump Is Antithetical to America
–– With over 45 assassination attempts since 1835?
‘Morning Joe’ pulled from air Monday because of Trump shooting
–– Network dreads someone might say thing every Democrat’s thinking.
‘Daily Show’ Cancels On-The-Ground RNC Plans After Trump Assassination Attempt
–– Fear more cheap shots.
Opinion | Turn down the heat, let in the light
–– Adjust the scope.
Opinion | Six ways to protect America from aging presidents
–– Aside from method employed in Butler, PA?
Did Trump's alleged shooter expect to survive the attack? What the evidence suggests so far
–– What were his reasonable expectations?
Bill Maher Reacts On Stage to Trump Assassination Attempt
–– And sadly got it right.
Judge dismisses classified documents case against Trump
–– Another bullet whizzes by.
Judge tosses Trump documents case, ruling prosecutor was unlawfully appointed
–– Cannon only recognizes law handed down by Trump.
Aileen Cannon’s nuking of the Trump documents case continues her trend of embracing long-shot legal theories
–– Legally bombed.
Pelosi privately told Biden polls show he cannot win and will take down the House; Biden responded with defensiveness
–– Skid and Nancy.
Pelosi, Long Fixated on Winning, Is in No Mood to Lose With Biden
–– As his elder feels she can say he’s too old.
Joe Biden, Allies Are Furious at Democrats Trying to Push Him Out: “They Are Julius Caesar-ing This Man”
–– Um, uh, isn't that "Brutus-ing"?
Kamal Harris Could Probably Wrap This Thing Up Pretty Quickly
–– Democracy, that is.
Biden Considers Pushing for Major Changes to the Supreme Court
–– Justice in bind.
Joe Biden's COVID symptoms have improved, but he remains on the mend, his doctor says.
–– Are those two statements antithetical?
Sen. Bob Menendez found guilty on all counts, including acting as foreign agent, in federal corruption trial
–– Found Boris Badenov costume in closet.
Johnson plan to remove George Washington statue from outside his City Hall office now up in the air
–– George Washington caver.
A stunning find in his family tree: The Bushes’ ancestors enslaved his relatives
–– Beat the Bushes?
It’s No Big Deal That a Woman May Be the President. What a Beautiful Thing.
–– Is Nicholas verklempt?
Congress passes bill to impose strict scrutiny on vexed prison agency
–– Piqued interest?
'We're inside the 10-yard line': Secretary of state on an Israel-Hamas ceasefire deal
–– ‘Of our own goal line, but still…’
Baltic countries notify Russia and Belarus they will exit the Moscow-controlled electricity grid
–– Will Putin tempt them with electric prods?
As Gambia weighs end to genital-cutting ban, this girl was cut behind mother’s back
–– This week in ‘unfortunate anatomical metaphors.’
How One Bad CrowdStrike Update Crashed the World’s Computers
–– Struck crowd.
Hospitals Around the World Are Struggling in the Aftermath of the Great IT Meltdown
–– IT techs even harder than doctors to get on phone.
Sam Altman's infinity pool flooded his $27 million Russian Hill mansion, lawsuit says
–– This week in ‘Schadenfreude.’
Maren Morris Addresses Viral Wardrobe Malfunction: ‘Nothing Embarrasses Me Anymore’
–– We know –– we heard you sing.
Susan Sarandon Doesn’t Know Who She’ll Support for President, But Thinks Joe Biden Should Drop Out
–– We’d sooner ask milky stain for opinion.
Valerie Bertinelli Says It’s 'Been Challenging’ to Keep Up the ‘Three-Week Rule’ with Her Boyfriend (Exclusive)
–– He's willing to extend to 'Three-Fortnights.'
Natalie Portman Wears Our Grandmothers’ Favorite Heels
–– Our old lady is gonna kill her.
Daisy Edgar-Jones Has Entered the It-Girl Arena
–– Where she’ll be slain by glamdiators.
Jack Black Cancels Tenacious D Tour and ‘All Future Creative Plans’ After Kyle Gass’ Remark on Trump Assassination Attempt: ‘I Was Blindsided by What Was Said’
–– Nervy Gass.
Donald Glover Talks Retiring Childish Gambino Moniker: “It’s Not Fulfilling” Anymore
–– Fulfills function of sounding stupid.
Armie Hammer Denies Robert Downey Jr. Paid for His Rehab, but Says Actor Gave Him Advice: ‘Sit Down, Shut Up and Everything Is Going to Be OK’
–– Didn’t say it would be for 20 years.
Netflix’s Ted Sarandos: Generative AI Tools Will Be a ‘Great Way for Creators to Tell Better Stories’
–– ‘Especially all our untalented ones.’
‘Somebody Feed Phil’ Renewed for Season 8 at Netflix (EXCLUSIVE)
–– To the dogs.
Harrison Butker Responds to Serena Williams Calling Him Out at ESPYs: “Sports Are Supposed to Be the Great Unifier”
–– “Even when girls do it!”
‘Stranger Things’ Season 5 First Look Revealed by Netflix: “Best Season Yet”
–– Nothing stranger than self-praise from cast.
‘Grown Men’ Were ‘Sobbing’ During ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ Camera Tests Because Hugh Jackman Showed Up in Wolverine’s Yellow Suit
–– Those were not ‘grown men.’
Katy Perry Responds to Criticism About ‘Woman’s World’ Video, Claims It’s ‘Satire’
–– Which she thinks is sparkly blue stone.
We Need More Actors With Crazy Voices
–– This week in ‘Minority Opinions.’
Jennifer Aniston ‘Plans Her Life’ Around Her Dogs and Fostering: ‘They’re Like Family to Her’
–– Why she treats actual family like strays.
Ingrid Andress says she’s checking into rehab after viral national anthem performance: ‘I was drunk last night’
–– On bottle of Rocket's Red Glare.
Dozens of New Kate Middleton Photographs Were Released Yesterday—I Noticed the Same Thing in All of Them
–– She’s really, really boring.
King Charles’s Jealousy of Princess Diana Is So Different From His Relationship With Queen Camilla
–– What’s to be jealous of?
Adidas Faces Backlash for Bella Hadid Ad Selling Retro 1972 Olympics Sneakers
–– Impossible Bad Taste is Nothing.
A Wildly Obscene Term’s Path to Mainstream Usage
–– Condomnation of rawdogging?
This couple’s hobby? Illegally scaling the world’s tallest buildings together
–– We’d like to see them fall for each other.
First suicide pod use 'soon' in Switzerland: campaigners
–– Buried in podder's field.
Here’s why fentanyl users on S.F.’s streets are bent over
–– Tech billionaires drop C-notes on sidewalk?
She Danced Naked at Woodstock. She Dated Serpico. At 93, She’s Not Done.
–– We are.
OP and OPP have new slang meanings: Do you know what they are?
–– Sure, Urban Dictionary is our Bible.
A Magic Phrase to Defeat Nosy Questions
–– ‘Shut your filthy piehole!’
Baby Who Can’t Speak Yet Babbles in Sign Language to Communicate with Deaf Grandparents
–– Or ’gesticulates like every baby.’
Disney World Removes 'Insensitive and Outdated' Character From Popular Attraction After 50 Years
–– Shamed relatives of drunken bears breath sigh of relief.
Alcohol has a dramatic impact on your biological age. Here’s how
–– And psychological age if you've had enough.
13 Restaurants Elizabeth Taylor Loved Across The US
–– And why she was banned on all-you-can-eat nights.
Inside the most Brutalist restaurant ever created
–– And most brutal on digestive tract.
Why Some of New York’s Snazziest Dining Sheds Are Headed for the Dumps
–– To be replaced by over-priced self-service troughs.
Bud Light falls to No. 3 beer brand more than year after Dylan Mulvaney controversy
–– But isn't Modelo being No. 1 sting, Fox Business?
My Chicken Bites Are So Delicious, My Family Devours Them Straight from the Pan
–– And ends up in ER with third-degree burns.
This Famous Zucchini Recipe Was So Good I Made It Six Days in a Row
–– Squash expectations.
Three 11-year-old girls rescue 6-year-old neighbor from attempted kidnapping
–– In pretty intense picture book.
Man who used secret recording sunglasses jailed
–– Attached fake nose didn’t fool authorities.
Boston lawyer once named 'most eligible bachelor' is sentenced to 5-10 years for raping 21-year-old
–– People insists they meant ‘most illegible.’
Domestication Squished Dogs’ Heads and Obscured Their Emotions
–– Kinda like husbands'.
Is It Okay to Let Your Dog Pee on the Sidewalk in the Summer?
–– No, walked them on roofs.
Ancient Genomes Reveal Dingoes Are Not Related To Modern Domesticated Dogs
–– And never ate her baby.
Gorilla kisses newborn baby through glass at zoo
–– Sparing child hellacious Frenching.
Elephants Are Doing Something Deeply Human
–– Lying about how good their memory is.
Cockatoo Gets So Excited About Homemade Mashed Potatoes She Does a Little Dance
–– This one.
Giant anteater twins filmed in Argentina for first time
–– After smash comedies in Brazil, Chile, Bolivia.
Was This Giant, Armadillo-Like Animal Butchered by Humans in Argentina 21,000 Years Ago?
–– And did they use massive crude version of tools like this?
Uncontacted tribe sighted in Peruvian Amazon where loggers are active
–– Expecting spam blast.
Amid Its Volcanic Eruption, Pompeii Was Also Rocked by an Earthquake, Study Suggests
–– And very high humidity.
20 satellites fall from sky after catastrophic SpaceX rocket failure, triggering investigation
–– Musk: 'Hey, it could've been 21.'
NASA Cancels VIPER Moon Mission After Spending $450 Million to Build a Rover
–– Bit in asp.
How do you solve a problem like glitter?
–– Well, RuPaul, we’re waiting…
California fire outlook grows more worrisome after heat dries out tall grass fed by winter rain
–– Only drought can prevent forest fires?
Ivana Trump's N.Y.C. Townhouse Where She Died After Falling Down Stairs Gets Another Price Cut to $20M
–– Takes tumble.
J. Michael Cline, Founder of Fandango, Dies After Falling From New York Hotel
–– DeClined.
Bob Booker, Writer-Producer on ‘The First Family’ Comedy Album, Dies at 92
–– Fed Meader.
James B. Sikking, ‘Hill Street Blues’ and ‘Doogie Howser, M.D.’ star, dead at 90
–– Sinking.
Shannen Doherty, ‘Beverly Hills 90210’ and ‘Charmed’ Star, Dies at 53
–– Zip code.
Ruth Westheimer, Expert on Everything About Sex, Dies at 96
–– Screwed.
Richard Simmons, Exercise and Fitness Personality, Dies at 76
–– Stretched out.
Lou Dobbs, Conservative Pundit and Former CNN Host, Dies at 78
–– Prone and Con.
Bob Newhart, Comedy Icon, Dies at 94
–– Dead pan.
