His and Harris
Week of 08/16/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Will protesters, or police, be the problem at the Democratic National Convention?
–– Or candidates?
Ukraine sets up military office inside Russia
–– Next to gift shop.
Will the attacks on Walz's military service stick like they did to Kerry 20 years ago?
–– Like bayonet in watermelon.
Biden Made Trump Bigger. Harris Makes Him Smaller.
–– While being 5x president, 10x man.
White House says deals struck to cut prices of popular Medicare drugs that cost $50 billion yearly
–– Would he just hit retirement home already!
As Harris and Biden Take a Victory Lap on Drug Costs, She Sets the Pace
–– High on cheap uppers.
Trump vs. Harris magnifies America’s generational and cultural divides
–– Good for her until you consider in 2020 69% of registered voters were white, 52% over 50.
Kamala Harris’s Campaign Is Bringing Good Vibes Only to the 2024 DNC: “You Can’t Buy It. You Can’t Fake It”
–– You can’t count it in November.
Atop ABC, a Personal Connection to Kamala Harris
–– Is that why news division already has her winning second term?
Nancy Mace Keeps Mispronouncing ‘Kamala,’ Sending CNN Panel Spinning
–– Because Nutsy has disability.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. tried to meet with Kamala Harris to discuss Cabinet job
–– Wanted to be locked in one during Oval Office meetings.
Cop: I Arrested Tim Walz for DUI. He Told the Truth. Then Came the Lies
–– Shifted gears.
With ‘Cancer Moonshot’ announcement, Biden turns to causes most important to him in final months in office
–– Couldn't he get science to cure Trumperculosis?
Trump Warns That if Kamala Wins, ‘Everybody Gets Heath Care’
–– He prefers fate worse, then death.
Why Trump keeps talking about fictional serial killer Hannibal Lecter
–– You can only mention Putin admiringly so many times.
Fly lands on Trump's face during press event, echoing Mike Pence's viral 2020 debate moment
–– Heard excitedly buzzing, 'I didn't know they stacked shit that high.'
–– Give middle-finger salute.
JD Vance Stuns CNN Host by Calling Stepmom Kamala Harris ‘Anti-Child’
–– Referring to emotional pre-schooler Trump.
Trump campaign says it is victim of foreign hack after leak of Vance report
–– Far greater victim of New York-born hack.
News outlets were leaked insider material from the Trump campaign. They chose not to print it
–– Yeah, you wouldn't want repeat of 2016.
A pastor said his pro-Trump prophecies came from God. His brother called him a fake.
–– We call him a moron.
Former California lawmaker Nate Holden says he was on the scary helicopter ride with Trump
–– Scary for any Black guy sitting next to 90s Trump.
Tim Walz's working-class cred: no stocks, no bonds, and he doesn't own a home
–– Crashes on donors’ coaches, cleans out purses.
The Activist Left Doesn’t Want a Hero. But Does It Need One?
–– We’ll ask next time we’re hanging with Lefty at Pro-Hamas open bar night.
EU sends warning letter to Musk ahead of Trump interview
–– Which he burns with not-a-flamethrower.
–– Fetus more lies.
Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol reveals why son Tripp, 15, no longer lives with her
–– He got to know her.
Insurance lobbyists block federal crackdown on costly retirement advice
–– Issue death policy.
A Ukrainian soldier said Russian troops in Kursk were 'sitting in the forest and drinking coffee,' unaware they were being invaded
–– Hot White Russians?
Hamas leader Sinwar wants a ceasefire deal, mediators say, but Netanyahu’s stance unclear
–– Though we can see him pumping two middle fingers from here.
Israel has hit a wall in Gaza, some US officials say, as civilian deaths mount
–– Numerous walls which collapsed.
How Coca-Cola tried and failed to suppress a boycott over Gaza
–– Not bottled up?
As Vietnam tightens leash on criticism, scores are jailed and exiled
–– On Communist running dogs.
George Clooney Is “A Little Irritated” With Quentin Tarantino: “Dude, F*** Off”
–– Clooney tunes.
George Clooney Can’t Work With a ‘Miserable F— Like David O. Russell’ Who Made ‘Life Hell’ Just to Make Great Art: ‘It’s Not Worth It at This Point in My Life’
–– Spurious George.
‘The Young and the Restless' Jack said what I've been thinking for a while
–– 'I'm neither.'
Celine Dion Was Taking Lethal Doses of Valium For Pain Before Her Health Diagnosis
–– But this is not obituary?
Blake Lively ‘Put Everything I Have Into’ Starring and Producing ‘It Ends With Us’: ‘I Just Did It All’
–– Than how can it be so deadly?
Halle Berry Says Blake Lively Asked if She’d Reprise Storm in ‘Deadpool & Wolverine.’ She Answered ‘Yes’ as Long as Ryan Reynolds Called: ‘But He Never Asked Me’
–– And we all have to live with tragedy.
Taylor Swift Fans Think Her New Wax Figure in Germany Is an ‘Atrocity’: See Photo
–– ‘Atrocity'? Maybe too much charisma, but ‘cmon.
Kelly Ripa Reveals Strict ‘No Eating Before’ Sex Policy With Husband Mark Consuelos
–– Related to our ‘losing lunch’ regimen after reading about her sex life.
Alan Cumming Insists, “I Act My Socks Off in ‘The Traitors’”’
–– Quite the feet.
Bowen Yang Recalls an ‘SNL’ Host Who “Made Multiple Cast Members Cry” During a Table Read
–– And some bite pillows.
Myha’la Arrives
–– And people all ask, ‘Who?’
Zelda Williams Debunks Viral Photo of Her Father Robin Williams Alleging He Owned a Pet Monkey
–– No Morkey from Orkey?
Behind the Pageantry of Shen Yun, Untreated Injuries and Emotional Abuse
–– And that’s just in audience.
The Little Streamer That Could
–– Wanna little Tubi stake?
WCBS Radio, the Soundtrack of Countless Cab Rides, Goes Quiet
–– As last listener looses hearing.
Meghan Markle’s Perfectly Patterned Dress Has the Most Surprising Cutout
–– Between shoulder blades for protruding ego.
Literally Just 43 Very, Very Funny Tweets About The Last 7 Days Of The Olympics
–– It’s that number 43 makes them such knee-slappers.
Simone Biles’s biological mom speaks out about Olympian’s adoption: ‘I would just ask her to forgive me’
–– ‘And lend her loving momma 100 grand.’
Australian Breakdancer Raygun Says Olympics Hate Has Been 'Devastating': 'I Ask the Press to Stop Harassing My Friends and Family'
–– Raygun zapped.
Tom Cruise performs 'epic stunt' at Olympics closing ceremony
–– Stunted stunter stunt stunned.
Jordan Chiles must return Olympic bronze medal after court ruling
–– Quotes Charlton Heston in reply.
Remember when Lionel Richie closed the Olympic Games in the most ‘80s outfit ever?
–– Is so you must be his publicist.
Jim Harbaugh wants to hire Colin Kaepernick to Chargers' coaching staff. Will the QB bite?
–– Well, he probably won’t be great.
Disney wants wrongful death suit thrown out because widower bought an Epcot ticket and had Disney+
–– Goofy representing media giant.
Opinion | Is oral history more durable than written history?
–– How about if we slug you in stupid mouth?
A trans influencer has reclaimed ‘demure’ and people can’t get enough
–– Don’t you mean ‘dumber’?
When I Get Anxious, These Videos Help Calm My Mind
–– Trying to return to Blockbuter nerve-wracking.
Old Navy Is Selling 'Amazing' High-Waisted Pants That Look Almost Identical to a Designer Style That's 21x the Price
–– Cut out middle, ma’am.
Northrop’s Stealthy Loyal Wingman Drone Breaks Cover And It Has A Cockpit
–– For child-sized android!
I want to help my kids bypass probate when I die — here are 5 assets I won’t put in a living trust
–– 3) Appendix removed in 1993.
Can I Let My Niece Live in My Rent-Stabilized Apartment?
–– Can I continue pretending she’s my niece?
Man defended for skipping brother’s celebration dinner after he wasn’t invited to his wedding
–– Celebration was for dumping first wife.
How useful are cognitive tests? The answer might surprise you.
–– If you’re impaired.
Older Americans Are About to Lose a Lot of Weight
–– Taking dirt naps.
Trying to swim out to the sand bar is the most embarrassing way you can almost die
–– Sole-crushing.
Can you get sick from the germs in toilet plumes?
–– How about smell?
Can Free Rent Revive Downtown San Francisco?
–– Free booze might.
This city has been declared America’s most hated, again — as Southern spot takes claim as US’ most desirable
–– DC 10. Out of 100.
Too Much of Our Seafood Has a Dark Secret
–– They sleep with the fishes.
The Best Way To Thicken Gravy Is Also The Easiest
–– Gobbing into it.
Bush’s Just Launched a New Baked Beans Flavor That Tastes 100x Better than the Original (Perfect for Fall Football!)
–– Includes pigskin with pork.
Mars to buy maker of Pringles and Pop-Tarts in snack-food megadeal
–– Fat chance.
Costco Just Dropped a Delicious New Snack, and Shoppers are Rushing to Grab It Now
–– Off floor.
I Asked 5 Egg Farmers the Best Way To Hard-Boil Eggs—They All Said the Same Thing
–– ‘Go suck an egg!’
How Much Cheese Should You Eat? You Won’t Like the Answer
–– We're talking to you, Minnie.
The U.S. could soon declare alcohol unsafe. The wine industry says the process is rigged
–– Ask warning be printed at bottom of bottle.
Burning Man Has Sold Out Since 2011. Why Not This Year?
–– Can’t be average attendee came to senses…
My Beloved Italian City Has Turned Into Tourist Hell. Must We Really Travel Like This?
–– She’s full of Bologna.
A doctor who says he's reversed his age by 20 years eats these 7 foods every week to boost his longevity
–– As 78-year-old’s mental age hits 8.
What video of Brazil plane falling from sky tells expert about what happened
–– Fall down, go boom.
Sturgis Rally sex sting shows local predators active during bike week
–– Hog wild.
Hackers may have stolen the Social Security numbers of every American. How to protect yourself
–– Damn, and we'd just memorized number, swallowed card.
California Legislature passes bills to curb retail theft over objections from some Democrats
–– Bill to curb gun theft resisted by Republicans.
Convicted mobster 1 of 5 arrested in Chickie's and Pete’s brawl: police
–– Unwise guy.
Kansas City Chiefs player offers to cover $1.5M in stolen chicken wings to free woman
–– Creates major flap.
Large geological feature known as the ‘Double Arch’ and the ‘Toilet Bowl’ collapses in southern Utah
–– After butte passed boulder.
Dachshund's Cute Way of Helping 'Harvest' Potato Crop Is Cuteness Overload
–– Dig up and replace with turd!
Why do animal species all look the same when humans all look different?
–– Species like dogs?
Florida’s Python Challenge is just wrangling snakes for some. But for military vets, it’s a chance to heal
–– Just click bait to others.
Python challenge: Why state recommends not eating Florida pythons
–– While still alive.
Invasive 'ManhattAnts' Are Taking Over New York City and Spreading Quickly
–– Not in 'Rattery Park', 'Roach Hill'.
Grizzlies are mating with polar bears, creating hybrids called ‘pizzlies’ or ‘grolars’
–– According to unbearably twee animal behaviorists.
Rare ‘doomsday’ oarfish emerges off San Diego coast, exciting scientists
–– Can paddle boards with no hands.
Walrus-like species roamed Europe’s shores 2 million years ago. It was just discovered
–– It finally got here.
Pompeii archaeologists find bodies of man and woman – and their treasure
–– In latest euphemism for grave robbers.
Workers Stumble Upon Ancient Greek Mosaic of Dancing Satyrs
–– Tripped on dicks.
Beach bar used a 1,700-year-old Roman sarcophagus as table – until a tourist noticed
–– Named Julius Caesar!
Stonehenge's Massive Central Stone May Have Been Shipped From Hundreds of Miles Away
–– Via Druidical Express.
Archaeologists Unearth Two More Vesuvius Victims at Pompeii
–– Lying flat on ashes.
An astronaut stuck on the International Space Station due to Boeing Starliner delays is roughing it in a sleeping bag over in the Japanese space module
–– OK by crewfolk except when he toasts s’mores over open fire.
Scientists Drilled So Deep Into the Center of the Earth, They Knocked on the Mantle’s Door
–– Mickey was sleeping.
Plastic manufacturers push back after Biden administration agrees to support global goal to cap production
–– Is twist-off cap.
Typhoon Ampil Lashes Eastern Japan, Forcing Evacuations
–– Has Ampil winds.
–– Dirt wins.
Jack Russell, Great White Vocalist and Founding Band Member, Dies at 63
–– Tearier.
Wally Amos, 88, of cookie fame, died at home in Hawaii. He lost Famous Amos but found other success
–– Goodbye, Mr. Chips.
