Independents' Haul
Week of 08/23/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Where do uncommitted voters stand on the presidential election after watching the DNC?
–– On heads on fence.
Trump Is Losing the Humor War
–– Not if he gets last laugh.
I Have Been Studying Poker for Years. Kamala Harris Isn’t Bluffing.
–– Though she’s holding pair of deuces.
Biden was to be the headliner. Instead, he’s an opening act.
–– Oldies banned.
Delaware Democrats to Their Joyous Party: ‘Et tu, Brute?’
–– Caesar the moment.
Why Kamala Harris’s Mom Was More ‘Brat’ Than She Is
–– Even though we have f**k all idea what that means.
Beyoncé hype ran high then popped like a balloon at the DNC
–– Needed life version of song already played on loop four days?
Are Voters Ready to Elect a Woman? Democrats Say They Have No Doubt.
–– We have no doubt they have doubt.
Opinion | Welcome to Chicago! Slap your belly.
–– And vomit Vienna beef dogs.
Once a National Star, Eric Adams Is Sidelined at the Democratic Convention
–– Because they omitted sideshow.
These Young Women Didn’t Want to Vote for Biden. They’re All In on Harris.
–– Yippee for misandric ageism?
“I’m a Better Looking Person Than Kamala”: Donald Trump’s Off-Script Moments Are Getting More and More Unhinged
–– They’re practically pocket doors!
RFK Jr. suspends campaign, throws support to Trump
–– Worm said to be ‘weighing options.’
At Democratic Convention, Hochul Says Trump Lacks ‘New York Values’
–– Does exude ‘New York Real Estate Developer Values.’
Democrats Use the Convention to Try to Define Trump as a Self-Interested Fraud
–– Platform calls for placing his portrait next to definition in dictionary.
Vance encourages Democrats to ‘pump the brakes’ on Trump rhetoric
–– Before gunning it?
US House Republicans say Biden committed impeachable offenses
–– Impeach fuzzy.
Texas leads 16 states in lawsuit targeting Biden immigration program
–– Appropriately led by thug who recently dodged 16 articles of impeachment.
Opinion | A painful divide in Black feminism will be a reckoning for Harris
–– Can’t we just get a lil’ anti-Semitic?
Donald Trump Falsely Claims Taylor Swift Has Endorsed Him by Posting AI Images: ‘I Accept’
–– Insists song I Knew Your Were Trouble about him.
Trump Surprised by Who Hurt His Feelings the Most at the DNC
–– Enormous butt serially sore.
James Carville: ‘Trump don’t taste the same’ since Harris entered presidential race
–– In most unpleasant campaign image to date.
RFK Jr.’s running mate drops the pretense about helping Trump
–– Maintains pretense she’s qualified to be vice president of anything besides Kennedy fan club.
Kennedy expected to end his campaign Friday, in talks to endorse Trump
–– Admitting he couldn't out-crazy master.
Trump says an endorsement from RFK Jr. would be 'a great honor'
–– Still hoping for nod from Baron Munchausen.
Barron Trump at a New York college, not UPenn or Georgetown, breaking family tradition
–– Also didn't forge school records, bribe RA, short-sheet disabled student.
Abortion Rights, on Winning Streak, Face Biggest Test in November
–– ‘Winning streak’ beginning with Dobbs?
Even Republicans don’t think America will become communist
–– Y'mean they don't actually believe Kamala is Fidel's love child?
How a Far-Right Takeover of Georgia’s Election Board Could Swing the Election
–– As NY Times lines up excuses if their choice doesn’t win.
Supreme Court Hands Republicans a Huge Win in Crucial Swing State
–– Remaining apolitical… machine.
Former congressman George Santos pleads guilty to wire fraud, identity theft
–– Amd impersonating public official.
D.C. Council member Trayon White took tens of thousands in bribes, U.S. says
–– Betrayvon.
Mayoral candidate vows to let VIC, an AI bot, run Wyoming’s capital city
–– Automatic for the people?
The government has clawed back more than $2.5 billion that veterans received, data shows
–– Thanks them for their service fees.
Kremlin response to Kursk incursion shows how Putin freezes in a crisis
–– He’s still cleaning underthings.
Ukraine destroys 3rd key bridge, threatening to cut off Russian troops, amid incursion, Russian military bloggers say
–– Span fried.
Russia appears to be using wired, unjammable fiber-optic drones that could fix a big problem its operators have faced in this war
–– So, ‘Yay!’?
Iran says it will not take ‘hasty action’ against Israel for killing of Hamas political leader
–– Scared Shi’aless.
Hamas claims Tel Aviv attack as Blinken promotes cease-fire in Israel
–– Blinken, you’ll miss it.
Taliban bans women from looking at men they don’t know and speaking loudly inside their homes
–– Republicans, 'Hmm…'
As repression in Nicaragua deepened, one bank kept the money flowing
–– Kept up peso violence. (we know currency is now cordoba, but c'mon…)
The death of Nirvana’s frontman is raw for many. A photo showing the word ‘unalived’ stirred fresh emotion
–– ’Raw’ 30 years later? We want many names.
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’s marriage is dead. Here’s the obituary.
–– And they said it wouldn't last… 24 months.
David Copperfield Vanished. The Problem of His Penthouse Remains.
–– He's impossible to find.
Halle Berry Says Pierce Brosnan ‘Restored My Faith in Men’ on James Bond Set: ‘There Couldn’t Be a Human Who Is More of a Gentleman’
–– 'We was Berry Berry good to me.'
A Great Year for Movies. The Best Year to Start Writing About Them.
–– 1999? Shakespeare in Love Best Picture? Sixth Sense top-grosser? If you were born in 1998.
Mark Wahlberg once encouraged his late mom to date his “Perfect Storm” costar George Clooney: 'Have a baby with him!'
–– From beyond grave!
‘The Acolyte’ Is Dead: ‘Star Wars’ Series Won’t Return for Season 2
–– Who’ll serve at funeral mass?
Lionsgate Pulls ‘Megalopolis’ Trailer Offline Due to Made-Up Critic Quotes and Issues Apology: ‘We Screwed Up’
–– So bad they couldn't pay for raves?
Michael Keaton Played Batman in Axed ‘Batgirl’ Movie but Isn’t Upset the Film Got Shelved: ‘I Didn’t Care One Way or Another. Big, Fun, Nice Check’
–– ‘Spared audiences.’
‘Chimp Crazy’ Review: ‘Tiger King’ Director’s HBO Docuseries Explains Why Owning Chimps Is Bad, and the Answer Won’t Surprise You
–– If you still have face.
Bella Hadid Just Wore a Crochet swimsuit Top Over a Corset and I Have Thoughts
–– Prove it.
Young Sheldon’s George Sr. Looks Unrecognizable in Post-Death Reunion Photo
–– It’s left eye hanging from rotted skull.
Documentary Questions If Gary Coleman’s Death Was an Accident
–– We question who cares.
Elon Musk Moves to Foreclose on Gene Wilder’s Former Los Angeles Home
–– His generation’s Willy Wanker.
Chappell Roan Says She Has “Never Given a F*** About the Charts or Being on the Radio”
–– Chappell and verse. Much verse.
Queen Elizabeth Said Trump Was ‘Very Rude,’ and Had an ‘Arrangement’ With Melania
–– We are not surprised.
Royal Source Says Queen Camilla Is "Afraid" of Prince William, Who Merely "Tolerates" Her
–– And only calls her "mummy" when noting resemblance to relics in British Museum.
Ronda Rousey Apologizes for Sharing Sandy Hook Shooting Conspiracy Video 11 Years Ago: ‘I Was Ignorant’ and ‘Deserve to Be Hated and Detested’
–– Now, now –– we just think you’re stupid.
Sex, too many eggs, cocaine, and dodgy beef: ‘Contamination’ is doping’s get out of jail free card
–– Chinese team medaled in meddling.
As Twitter's Revenue Collapses By 84%, Tesla Bulls Fear Elon Musk Will Liquidate More Tesla Stock, Bringing Its Value Down For Everyone
–– Bears watching.
A lifeless hydrogel blob can play Pong
–– And any other video game.
Fans of this incredibly tiny smartphone say size doesn't matter
–– Sounding like little dicks.
Why Is Custom Framing So Expensive? One Man Investigates.
–– Gee, FBI should have whole task force.
The movement to diversify Silicon Valley is crumbling amid attacks on DEI
–– Workers with chips on shoulders.
The practical, impractical impulse to stockpile a ‘good bag’
–– For sad sacks.
7 Phrases That Instantly Make You Sound Classy, According to Etiquette Experts
–– 4) ‘May I please snort that off your derriere?’
How to Strengthen Your Happiness Muscle
–– Without getting pennis elbow.
Empathy is on the rise in young people. Here’s how to build yours
–– What? Pointless article built on unverifiable conjecture?
People are trying magic mushrooms for depression –– and saying they’re seeing God
–– Who’s being total drag.
Psychedelics Can Awaken Your Consciousness to the ‘Ultimate Reality.’ Scientists Say
–– That you’re loser.
Long-Term Low-Dose Cannabis Treatment Could Reverse Aging And Enhance Mental Capacity
–– By making you forget age, not realize you're repeating self.
The Boomers Who Tried Moving to Florida and Ended Up in Appalachia
–– And are suing Google Maps.
How the lobster became an unlikely status symbol — and a ‘cultural icon’
–– Like it’s been since 1880s?
Subway announces a new price for footlongs as it enters the value menu wars
–– So does porn star André el Gigante.
Leftover Pickle Brine Is Liquid Gold — Here’s How to Use It, According to a Pro Pickler and Chef
–– To preserve pocket pickle.
The One Ingredient Addition That Gives Tuna Salad A Major Flavor Boost
–– Charlie's beret.
The Only Sandwich Shop In Every State Actually Worth Visiting
–– Which shop is in every state?
A Woman Was Arrested at Applebee's for Sharing an All-You-Can-Eat Deal
–– Charged with conspiracy to poison.
Manhattan pizzeria worker in critical condition after attack by customer, pit bull
–– Cur had slice to go.
Patient underwent 1 surgery but was billed for 2. Even after being sued, she refused to pay
–– Scheduled for 3rd to extract wallet.
Florida doctor who didn't wear hearing aids during colonoscopy couldn't hear patient yelling, state health officials say
–– Had head up own ass.
New Jersey man charged after $1M in drugs found inside home, storage unit
–– In heckuva coinkydink.
Superyacht maker's CEO: Bayesian's crew made an 'incredible mistake'
–– ‘Sailed our boat.’
A veteran reporter was murdered outside his home. Now his newspaper is tasked with covering the alleged killer’s trial
–– Struggling to make deadline.
Amtrak train passing through Florida collides with semi. Here's what we know
–– That’s gotta hurt.
Woman from India disappears down a sinkhole in Malaysia's capital
–– Following tardy white rabbit.
Missouri diocese provides update on exhumed nun whose body did not decompose: 'Highly atypical'
–– Credit giant Glad bag.
New virus that causes ‘staggering disease’ discovered in US - and it can kill pet cats and those in the wild
–– Scientists stumble on discovery.
Humans Are Rapidly Aging at 44 and 60, Scientists Say
–– Not same old same old?
How Did the First Cells Arise? With a Little Rain, Study Finds.
–– Yes, but Who held watering can?
Where mosquito season is getting longer
–– Stings up joint.
How did wolves evolve into dogs? Ancient fossils provide intriguing clues
–– Cave people started dressing in cute skins.
A Giant Deer Fence Is Going Up in the American West
–– And bucks will pay for it.
World’s second largest diamond found in Botswana
–– Not carat top.
Long-hidden family scandal in Jamestown colony revealed 400 years later by ancient DNA
–– Relatively boring.
Pentagon UFO expert says secret group has ‘non-human material’
–– Rob Schneider’s comedy routines.
Nasa to announce whether stranded astronauts can return on Starliner
–– And if they can use other carrier’s frequent flyer miles.
SpaceX is about to send four people on a wild — and risky — mission into the radiation belts. Here’s what to know
–– Still safer than trip on anything Boeing built.
Opinion The world-changing ‘killer app’ for AI could be nuclear fusion
–– Couldn’t compare as ‘killer’ to nuclear fusion.
Farmers’ Almanac calling for a “wet winter whirlwind”
–– In Old McDonald’s pants.
How U.S. Farms Could Start a Bird Flu Pandemic
–– A how-to guide.
German Shell whistleblower says Chinese emission reduction oilfield was actually a chicken farm
–– Cocked up.
White House announces new money to fight lead contamination in school water
–– Learned that's why nation’s so dumb?
A robot's attempt to get a sample of the melted fuel at Japan's damaged nuclear reactor is suspended
–– Even robot's like 'くそくらえ'.
Talk show icon Phil Donahue dies at 88
–– Talked down.
Alain Delon, Smoldering French Film Star, Dies at 88
–– Burnt out.
‘The most dangerous man I ever met’: Alain Delon’s devastating effect on women
–– They called him Monsieur Humidité.
Alain Delon’s family refuse to put down pet dog the actor wanted to be buried with
–– Substituted stuffed Snowy.
