CAN CANNES
(Special from DefFlix.com) When we think French, what do we think of? Fries? Red wine? Lasagna? Lederhosen? Wee wee! But we also think of the international sexy-sexy film festival at Cannes (pronounced Cans, as in tatas) on the Costa del Sol. Begun at the end of WWI in 1946 and now celebrating its 75th year, this celebration of world cinema sports a lineup of flix bigger than Gerard Depardieu's (Cyrano de Birdcage, The French Connection) nose and hotter than Brigitte Bardot's (Paris Texas, ...And Frankenstein Created Woman) amazing legs, which used to be up to here before her rack sagged down to there. Say levy!
The Jury, which will award a variety of prizes including the coveted Palm Door, is headed up by Italian director Nanny Moretti (a relative of Nanny Mcphee? LOL) and includes director Tom Payne (The Dissidents), Diane Kruger (Freddy's sister? LOL), Obi Wan McGregor (Star Wars, The Phantom Menace, duh!), and Jean-Pierre Gaultier (the guy who gave Madonna those bullet boobies.) The voting promises to be even rougher than in the recent presidential election when the French booted out Nick Sarkozy (sorry to his babelicious model wife, Christie Brinkley, Ew-la-la!) and replaced him with a Dutch guy.
Some of the awesome directors who will be screening their latest work this year, include quirky West Anderson (we loved his Xmas classic, The Royal Tannenbaums) with Moonlight Kingdom about two twelve-year-olds who run away to fight space monsters on the lunar surface (take that, John Carter!), and Bernardo "Butter Butt" Bertucci (of Lust Tango in Paris fame) with Me-a and-a You-a about two other tweens, this time Italian, who hang out in his basement (hit the snooze button!) Michael Hanky, Oscar's new fave from Germany, is showing Armour about an old couple hanging out in an apartment (not sure if it's in the basement) and trying on armour or armor, we guess. And David Kronenbourg (love that beer!) is getting kinky again (remember Crush where people could only get turned on while drinking orange soda during auto accidents?) with Cosmopolis starring Robert Patterson, the vampire from the Twinight films –– hope he doesn't suck in this, too. LOL, nessa pa?
Lee Daniel, who is showing The Paperboy here (we hope the dude at least drives a Harley on his route,) made us all feel like we were big black girls with unpronounceable names with Precious Push by Sapphire. Now he's planning a sequel –– Semi-Precious Flash by Zircon is about the big girl's special needs daughter Mongo who is sent to the planet of the same name and battles space monsters with Flash Gordon who is a recovering black junkie. Walter Salads, a Brazilian filmmaker who might've made Brazil, is showing his version of Off the Road based on the famous Jack Carraway novel about the Beatles in competition (we hear it's a Hard Day's Night to sit through.) Now Salads has been signed to helm the adaptation of another classic book that has long been considered unfilmable –– the California Driver Handbook.
To the competing auteurs, DefFlix wishes you all bone chance!
5/25/12
IRAN DEFICIENCY
(Special from Farsi News Service) –– Our Supreme Leaders Ayatollah Khamenei today responded in the most direful manner to the bully tactics of the United States Vise Presidents Jo Biden when he was saying in speech by provoking old Presidents FD Roosevelts about his Presidents Obama “I promise you, the Presidents has a big stick. I promise you.” Our Khameneiac riposted solemnly yet with a twinkie in his eye, "not as big as mine." (WANK WANK!)
This sort of schoolyard (where is no girls) taunts will not deter Islamic Republic of Iran from it's pursuit of Nuclear Peaceful Non-Weapons to Power Microwaves nor also from it's pursuit of Democratic reformations. These reformations bored sweet fruit of late when elections freer than any in history were held along with politicians who are enemy of state. It is too bad about Our Presidents (PTUI! PTUI!) sister Parvis not being electrified in Big Vote, but let us all be agreed that there is no veil big enough to be obscuring this face from sensitive voters. And many more were those who were electrified and were also by coincedence, praises be, loyal to Our Khameneiac.
We also take here time to salute our fellow "Axis" mate of The Pimple Republics of North Korea, Kim Jong-un for also driving the Great Satan more crazier with his justified pursuit of the Nuclear Weapon. He also only like us wants it for the Peaceful Purpose, the degeneration of Power Sources (WANK WANK!) –– so take that Western running dogs (although we hear dogs runned pretty fast in North Korea capital of PingPong or maybe they are becoming dinner.)
4/26/12
MITT AND JEFFS
Since 1994 when the Republican Party first codified it's pledge to return the United States to its original glory (as the jewel of Pangaea) with its Contract With America, no presidential candidate has more clearly violated that dodgy document's sanity clause than Rick Santorum. Spurred by his barnstorming victories in Missouri, Colorado and Minnesota, Deranger Rick, already tap-dancing on the furthest right wing of the GOP's flying jalopy, proceeded to two-step off into the wild blue yonder.
On Obama's world view: it's based on "some phony theology, not a theology based on the Bible." On Obama being like Hitler in 1941: "We think, 'Well, you know, it'll get better. Yeah, he's a nice guy…This will be okay. I mean, yeah, maybe he's not the best guy after a while, after a while you find out some things about this guy over in Europe who's not so good of a guy after all...'" On contraception: "It's not okay, because it's a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. They're supposed to be within marriage, for purposes that are, yes, conjugal... but also procreative." On Obama on abortion: "Well if that human life is not a person then I find it almost remarkable for a black man to say 'now we are going to decide who are people and who are not people.'" On sleeveless sweaters: "Yeah boy!"
Before his more-mud-than-landslide victories in Arizona and Michigan, Mitt Romney publically derided Santorum's efforts to "incite the base with incendiary comments", and claimed "I'm not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support" –– a noble sentiment which nonetheless put bemused film buffs in mind of the fiery climax of The Thing From Another World. Romney has tried to appeal to Sam's Club without straying too far from his natural habitat –– the country club. To steer just far enough right so that he might still be able to veer his wife's "couple of Cadillacs" back into the middle lane before November. He didn't want the general electorate to forget that he was a highly successful venture capitalist, a captain of Bane Capital (their motto: "We're the Bane of Your Existence",) not a cultist who switches his ceremonial underwear several times a day.
But now some party strategists are suggesting that for Romney to strike a decisive blow and crack the hard nuts of the far right, he will have to do a better job of embracing his inner fanatic. Where he has been measured in mentioning his Mormonism, they suggest that he publicly acknowledge some of his faith's wackier aspects. Some say he should promise a Mountain Meadows massacre on Super Tuesday. He should sue the U.S. Government for spousal abuse for imposing monogamy. He should draw an analogy between himself as the noble Joseph Smith, Jr. who can hie Americans to Kolob and Obama as the shamed Warren Jeffs of the Fundamentalist LDS Church who would rather lie with their daughters. And he should light the hair of the family dog strapped to the roof of his car on fire.
3/1/12
MFin' DRIVERS!
Former Goldman Sachs CEO and New Jersey Senator Jon Corzine has stepped down as chief executive of Mother Fucker Global (MFGLQ.) As the Governor of the Garden State he is best remembered for slamming into a guardrail at 90 miles per hour, and for standing by as the state's economy metaphorically did the same. Now the world is rubbernecking at the scene of the mangled wreckage of MF Global and the search for the $600 million in missing funds that was apparently lost in the accident.
The U.S. Congress has successfully resisted President Obama's unstrenuous attempts at steering Wall Street towards reform –– it has been 15 months since he signed the Dodd-Franks bill, which frankly looked dodd on arrival. The Republican troopers likely see the MF Global crack-up, which was largely due to the failure of brakes on the brokerage, as reaffirming the need to let the markets run their course –– even if it's over the maimed bodies of investors. Corzine set the corporate GPS to Bet on Bad Debt, this time of the euro variety, and it took him just a couple of years to reach his destination.
Global finance arteries are looking increasingly hazardous. Why did the Rolls-Royce, Maybach and Citroën economies of Europe allowed the drachma-laden oxcart of Greece onto the Eurozone Autobahn in the first place? Wasn't the slow lane, clogged with Polish Honkers, Italian Fiats, and Spanish Ibizas, poky enough already?
PM George Papandreou caused a stock market pileup when he precipitously announced that Greece's citizens would vote in a referendum on whether or not to embrace the draconian measures of the EU's bailout plan. It's understandable that global markets would be shocked and dismayed that the birthplace of democracy would stoop to asking its commoners to decide on their own economic fates. Papandreou sensibly called off the vote, and moved to the very back of the EU bus, perilously close to the emergency exit. He and we must learn the lesson that only the Gods of Capital may navigate the economic superhighway, whether it be to glory or ruin.
11/4/11
CAIN SUGARS
Republican frontrunner Herman Cain's campaign has been manhandled by charges of sexual harassment that date back to his days as president of the National Restaurant Association. Though an average voter might be more shocked by the fact that he is the Republican frontrunner, or that the NRA that he led, was not the National Rifle Association, Cain has been left groping for answers to the accusations. He sought to massage Fox's Greta Van Susteren with this explanation:
"But here's the one incident that I recall as the day has gone on. She was in my office one day, and I made a gesture saying, Oh -- and I was standing close to her. And I made a gesture, You're the same height as my wife, and brought my hand -- didn't touch her -- up to my chin and said, You're the same height of my wife because my wife comes up to my chin, my wife of 43 years.
And that was put in there as something that made her uncomfortable as part of the sexual harassment charge."
He later recounted the same story about the "height of my wife" to a group of male reporters with a subtle repositioning of his hands and a wicked smile on his face.
Cain is not without his distaff defenders including the reliably colorblind Ann Coulter who parried with Joy Behar over the relative merits of "our" blacks and "their" blacks. After extolling "her" blacks like Cain and Michael Steele, she lit into "theirs", most specificaly Rep. Maxine Waters, of whom she said, "She took the side of Damion Football Williams who dropped a cinder block on Reginald Denny`s head during the L.A. riots, she went to visit him afterwards. She called L.A. riots a rebellion. She offered Damion Football Williams a job. She is heavily responsible for the entire financial crisis."
It's heartening, if a little surprising, to learn that Ms. Waters chaired the boards of AIG, Lehmann Brothers, Countrywide Financial, Bear Sterns, GMAC, and Citibank. Perhaps Ms. Coulter undercut her own brilliant argument, and "theirs" really are more impressive.
11/3/11