Project 1325 BC
The controversy concerning the conservative political agenda Project 2025 has been overshadowed by the purported discovery of an ancient carved document claimed to be unearthed by the Kato Institute (named for the fiercely reactionary manservant of the Green Hornet.) Inscribed on two stone tablets with additions in Sharpie, the objects were found on the current site of Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City and have been carbon dated to the 14th-century BC to an era before even Robert Moses.
Kato Institute linguists translated the covenant document (which was written in a rare Aramaic/Brooklynese dialect) into modern-day pseudo-Bible-speak. The Republican National Committee immediately accepted the dicta as divinely inspired and voted to have the Decalogue adapted as the official platform of their party's 2024 presidential campaign. Here are the words of wisdom which were first released on Truth Social:
I. Thou shalt have NO other candidates before Trump, ye punk.
II. Thou shalt NOT make unto the media any craven image, especially a nasty impersonation by an unfunny murdering actor on a failing television series (even if it is entering its 50th season.) Buy unto thyself only images from our wholly authorized website.
III. Thou shalt NOT take the name of Trump in vain NOR that of his offspring, NOT even the simple-minded son.
IV. Remember the Sabbath day and make it holy by purchasing the God Bless the USA Bible today. And if your Sabbath be on Saturday though shalt NOT cast any self-hating meshuggah vote for a Marxist.
V. Honor thy father and thy mother NOT some them or they or it. Speaketh thou ill of childless cat ladies.
VI. (see illustration below)
VII. Though shalt NOT get caught committing adultery.
VIII. Though shalt NOT steal votes from the anointed one. All other thefts negotiable.
IX. Thou shalt NOT bear false witness against thy neighbor who liveth North of you in the greatest Kingdom on Earth NOR shall you try to slip across his border and steal his ass and lie with his wife or vice the versa.
X. Thou shalt NOT covet, unless it be the Heavenly Office bestowed from on High and stolen by Godless infidels from thee.
Artwork by Tom Hachtman08/16/24
