Critic's Corner: Theatre

THEATRE

Tammy Faye –– Baker lite.
Maybe Happy Ending –– Definitely sad first act.
A Wonderful World: The Louis Armstrong Musical –– Satchmopey.
Romeo + Juliet –– Star lost lovers.
Left on Tenth –– Tenth out of ten.
Sunset Boulevard –– Desmond too-too.
Our Town –– Muddle America.
Yellow Face –– Asian confusion.
McNeal –– Leerer.

The Hills of California –– Sister ack!
The Roommate –– Share lunacy.
Job –– Wack Job.
Oh, Mary! –– Tard Lincoln.
The Great Gatsby –– Dizzy Buchanan.
Mother Play –– Ma zany.
Uncle Vanya –– Vanya got nothin' to lose.
Illinoise –– Sounds bite.
Mary Jane –– A parent lack of progress.
Stereophonic –– Mano a mono.

The Outsiders –– Youthless.
The Heart of Rock and Roll –– Hooey Newton.
Patriots –– Putin on the fritz.
Cabaret at the Kit Kat Club –– Crap array.
Hells’ Kitchen –– Minor Keys.
Suffs –– Suffs: forget.
The Wiz –– Wee small Oz.
Lempicka –– Arse Deco.
Appropriate –– Estate stale.
Days of Wine and Roses –– Drinkie poo.

Doubt: A Parable –– Whack-a-molester.
The Notebook –– Sparks notes.
Tommy –– Who-boy!
An Enemy of the People –– Takes a bath.
Water for Elephants –– Gets stupid trunk.
Prayer for the French Republic –– Sacre blew.
Spamalot –– Ni!-jerk.
Harmony –– You phony-ass.
Merrily We Roll Along –– Reverse jeers.
Gutenberg! The Musical! –– Prints of the shitty.

Jaja's African Hair Braiding –– Snarly.
Purlie Victorious: A Non-Confederate Romp Through the Cotton Patch –– Purlie grates.
The Shark Is Broken –– Jaws dropping.
The Cottage –– Farce and wide.
Back to the Future –– McFly swatter.
Here Lies Love –– Marcos zero.
Once Upon a One More Time –– Spears fishing.
Shucked–– Cob-smacked.
Grey House –– Haunt and hard-on.
New York, New York –– Kander at ebb.

Good Night, Oscar –– Levant on the edge.
Prima Facie –– Prima fishy.
The Thanksgiving Play –– Pale fazed.
Fat Ham –– Cheese Hamlet.
The Sign in Sidney Brustein’s Window –– Progressive soup.
Summer, 1976 –– Bi-centennial.
Life of Pi –– Pi in face.
Peter Pan Goes Wrong –– Dead Pan.
Camelot –– Arthur ass.
Dancin' –– Out of step.

Sweeney Todd –– Shtick shave.
Bad Cinderella –– Agreed.
Parade –– Semite final.
A Doll's House –– Nora done.
Pictures from Home –– Snap draggin'.
Some Like It Hot –– Drags on.
ABeautiful Noise –– Gut Diamond.
Ain't No Mo –– Ain't drips.
KPOP –– Ker-PlOP.
& Juliet –– Shakespeare wallow.

Ohio State Murders –– DOA.
Kimberly Akimbo –– Of uncertain age.
Mike Birbiglia: The Old Man and the Pool –– Whiny the Pool.
Almost Famous –– Groupie-grope.
The Piano Lesson –– Be flat.
Topdog/Underdog –– Warp and woof.
Death of a Salesman –– Sales rip.
1776 –– Founding founders.
Leopoldstadt –– Vienna sausage.
Cost of Living –– Disability assurance.

The Kite Runner –– Runs out of string.
Into the Woods –– Fairy tale bending.
Mr. Saturday Night –– Saturday Night unspecial.
Hangmen –– Old noose.
for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf –– aPOCalypse now.
The Skin of Our Teeth –– Bland Wilder.
The Minutes –– Ticked off.
POTUS, Or, Behind Every Great Dumbass Are Seven Women Trying to Keep Him Alive –– Aides crisis.
Macbeth –– Goes without Thane.
Dana H. –– Holed hostage.

A Strange Loop –– Knock for a Loop.
Funny Girl –– Briceless.
American Buffalo –– Grift shop.
Take Me Out –– Fruit bats.
The Little Prince –– Air headed.
Paradise Square –– Square off.
Plaza Suite –– Grind hotel.
MJ The Musical –– Pedo lite.
Skeleton Crew –– Bare bones.
Intimate Apparel –– Unmentionable.

The Music Man –– Hill of beans.
Flying Over Sunset –– Fuddy acid.
Company –– The weakest Lenk.
Mrs. Doubtfire –– Screwball’s drag race.
Diana: The Musical –– Petty petty Princess.
The Visitor –– Sight sere.
Trouble in Mind –– Loony been.
Clyde’s –– Sandwich slop.
Caroline, or Change –– Change, please.
Morning Sun –– Rise and shun.

Freestyle Love Supreme –– That’s-a rap.
The Lehman Tragedy –– Thunder collapse.
Six –– Henry the hateth.
West Side Story –– Shark's kin shoots.
Jagged Little Pill –– Bananas Morissette.
A Christmas Carol –– Death to Scroogie.
The Inheritance –– Gays into the future.
Tina: The Tina Turner Musical –– Stomach Turner.
David Byrne’s American Utopia –– Byrne notice.
The Lightning Thief: The Percy Jackson Musical –– Bolt out of the blew.

The Rose Tattoo –– Bleeding red ink.
The Sound Inside –– It's gas.
Linda Vista –– Vista wasteland.
Slave Play –– Chain snore.
Freestyle Love Supreme –– Hip-hop off.
The Great Society –– Johnson waxed.
The Height of the Storm –– Tale wind.
Betrayal –– Affair to middling.
Derren Brown: Secret –– Brown and served.
Sea Wall/A Life –– Gives up the coast.

Moulin Rouge! –– From Baz to worse.
Frankie and Johnny in the Clair de Lune –– Frankie and Johnnie were losers.
Tootsie –– Roll reversal.
Hillary and Clinton –– Bill and cuckoo.
All My Sons –– Miller lowlife.
Ain't Too Proud –– Shouldn't be.
Gary: A Sequel to Titus Andronicus –– All gore.
Ink –– Stained wretch.
Hadestown –– Under amour.
Burn This –– Hand us the matches.

Oklahoma! –– Not OK.
King Lear –– Pfft for a King.
What the Constitution Means to Me –– Dead to rights.
Be More Chill –– Chill pill.
True West –– Shepard boys.
Choir Boy –– Tenor lax.
To Kill a Mockingbird –– Bull Finch.
Network –– Braking news.
Ruben & Clays Christmas Show –– Idol threats.
The Cher Show –– Play, musical, Chers.

American Son –– Missing inaction.
The New One –– Birbiglia little lies.
The Hard Problem –– The soft solution.
The Prom –– Prom askewity.
King Kong –– Hung Kong.
The Ferryman –– Not worth the Troubles.
The Waverley Gallery –– Gab bag.
The Lifespan of a Fact –– Just lies there.
Bernhardt / Hamlet –– Sarah sucker be.
The Nap –– Snookered.

Pretty Woman –– Dated.
Head Over Heels –– Go-Go's Gag-Gag.
Straight White Men –– Blunder privileged.
The Boys in the Band –– Creepy Crowley.
The Iceman Cometh –– Rock the cash bar.
Saint Joan –– Arcward!
Travesties –– Stoopard.
Summer: The Donna Summer Musical –– Slipped disco.
Harry Potter and the Cursed Child –– In the first row fidgeting.
Carousel –– Bigelow tease.

Mean Girls –– Sneer misses.
Three Tall Women –– Broad strokes.
Rocktopia –– Orchestral manures in the dark.
Lobby Hero –– Maul cop.
Angels in America –– Arid Kushner.
Frozen –– Stolid.
Escape to Margaritaville –– Tropic blunder.
Farinelli and the King –– Fixed for life.
The Children –– Nuclear family.
SpongeBob SquarePants –– Not sponge-worthy.

Once on This Island –– Calypsomaniacs.
The Parisian Woman –– Elle stinko.
Meteor Shower –– Goes down in flames.
The Band's Visit –– Group sects.
Junk –– Bond villain.
M. Butterfly –– Butterfly shrimp.
Bruce Springsteen on Broadway –– 8th Avenue freeze-out.
Time and the Conways –– Like Tim and the Conways.
Prince of Broadway –– Hal and farewell.
The Terms of My Surrender –– Need I say Moore?

Marvin's Room –– Patient zero.
1984 –– Norwell.
A Doll’s House, Part 2 –– Nickin' Nora.
Bandstand –– Swing low.
Six Degrees of Separartion –– 'Hoodwinked.
Anastasia –– Has tsars in her eyes.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory –– Rag Dahl.
Hello, Dolly! –– Yenta laughing.
The Little Foxes –– With all the vixens.
Oslo –– On the uptake.

Groundhog Day –– Repetitive strain.
Indecent –– Shonda rhymes.
Cagney –– And lazy.
Sweat –– Pore relations.
Present Laughter –– Degifted.
War Paint –– Makeup sects.
Amélie –– Lamélie.
The Play That Goes Wrong –– Exquisite corpsing.
The Hairy Ape –– Sans simian.
Significant Other –– Mating crawl.

Latin History for Morons –– His panic.
Miss Saigon –– *Sigh*, gone.
The Price –– Pain lip service.
Come From Away –– Newfoundbland.
The Glass Menagerie –– Family outing.
Sunset Boulevard –– Desmond too-too.
Jitney –– Crabs.
The Present –– Imperfect.
In Transit –– Travel logy.
Dear Evan Hansen –– Evan forbid.

The Illusionists - Turn of the Century –– Bog of tricks.
A Bronx Tale –– Bust stop.
Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 –– Tails off.
Liaisons Dangereuses –– Tempt agency.
Falsettos –– Bitch perfect.
Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons on Broadway! –– Falsetto alarm.
The Front Page –– Ink-stained retches.
The Cherry Orchard –– Pitty this.
Heisenberg –– Breaks bad.
Oh Hello on Broadway –– Senior moments.

Holiday Inn –– Berlin wallow.
The Encounter –– Feit.
Lewis Black: Black to the Future –– A Black mock.
Cats –– Whisker sour.
Act of God –– Queen of Heaven.
Long Day's Journey Into Night –– Slaq O'Neill.
Tuck Everlasting –– Lame Tuck.
Fully Committed –– Restaurant weak.
Cirque de Soleil: Paramour –– Paranominal.
Waitress –– Serves no purpose.

American Psycho –– Attacks o' Bateman.
The Father –– Pop tart.
Eclipsed –– Overshadowed.
The Crucible –– Witch haze hell.
Bright Star –– Dim sung.
She Loves Me –– Not!
Disaster! –– !
Blackbird –– Ped peeve.
The Humans –– Them's the Blakes.
Noises Off –– ReFrayn yourself.

Fiddler on the Roof –– Fiddleshticks.
The Color Purple –– Georgia preach.
School of Rock –– Recess pieces.
China Doll –– Ol' Pacino.
Misery –– Sheer.
A View From the Bridge –– Suspension of disbelief.
On Your Feet! –– And leave!
Lord of the Dance: Dangerous Games –– Step mutha.
Allegiance –– Intern for the worse.
Trip of Love –– Twisting in the wind.

King Charles III –– Windsor…not!
Dames at Sea –– Rummage sail.
Thérèse Raquin –– Raquin ruin.
Sylvia –– Bitched up.
Fool for Love –– Rodeo clown.
Old Times –– Pinter rust.
Hamilton –– Beached.
Penn & Teller on Broadway –– Magic mite.
An Act of God –– Lord of the dunce.
The Visit –– Guest wrong.

Airline Highway –– The Big Lazy.
Something Rotten! –– Don't be modest, it's Everything!
Living on Love –– Fah LOL LOL LOL.
Fun Home –– Bechdel testy.
Doctor Zhivago –– Pasterknackered.
It Shoulda Been You –– Who had to sit through this.
The King and I –– Siam I am.
FInding Neverland –– Barrie glib.
Wolf Hall –– Mantel piece.
An American in Paris –– Plastered of Paris.

Gigi –– Whiz.
Hand to God –– Sock manicky.
Skylight –– Hare and tortuous.
Hamilton –– Beached.
On the 20th Century –– Potty training.
The Audience –– Liz miserables.
Fish in the Dark –– Camp David.
Honeymoon in Vegas –– Tiny Danza.
Constellations –– Little dippier.
The Elephant Man –– Cooper tires.

A Delicate Balance –– Well, Albee damned.
Side Show –– Conjoined pain.
The River –– Bed wetter.
The Real Thing –– Artificial intelligence.
The Last Ship –– Not see-worthy.
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time –– An autistic triumph.
Disgraced –– Pretty embarrased, at least.
On the Town –– Sailors moon.
It's Only a Play –– Thank God!
Indian Ink –– Blot-driven.

You Can't Take It With You –– You won't want to.
Love Letters –– Letter rip.
This Is Our Youth –– Junior miss.
Holler If Ya Hear Me –– Shakur heights.
The City of Conversation –– Hanging chats.
Cabaret –– Petty Cab.
Casa Valentina –– Draggy.
Hedwig and the Angry Inch –– Comes up short.
Velocity of Autumn –– Fall's fast.
The Cripple of Inishman –– Limps along.

Violet –– Shrinking Violet.
Act One –– Hartless.
Of Mice and Men –– Lennie bruise.
Lady Day at Emerson’s Bar and Grill –– Holiday on ice.
Bullets Over Broadway –– Gatzooks!
The Realistic Joneses –– Jones' bitch.
Raisin in the Sun –– Shrivel rights.
If/Then –– Addled Nazeem.
Mothers and Sons –– Misbegotten.
Les Misérables –– Less miserable? Non.

Alladin –– Sorta Arabia.
Rocky –– Hook, line and stinker.
All the Way –– Barely Lyndon.
The Bridges of Madison County –– Suspension of disbelief.
Outside Mullingar –– Mullingar stew.
Machinal –– Automatron.
Beautiful: The Carol King Musical –– King of pop.
Waiting for Godot –– God? Ohh!
No Man's Land –– Give Pinter rest.
Macbeth –– Just thane.

The Commons of Pensacola –– Mom genes.
A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder–– Bloke bad.
700 Sundays –– Dick-wit Crystal display.
Twelfth Night –– And they still haven’t got it right.
Richard III –– Hump day.
Domesticated –– Whipped bugger.
After Midnight –– Harlem glum trotters.
Betrayal –– Cheat exhaustion.
The Snow Geese –– Geese whiz!
A Time to Kill –– Mississippi dealt duh.

The Winslow Boy –– Wince slow, boy.
A Night With Janis Joplin –– Blues clues.
Big Fish –– Smell pond.
Lady Day –– La-di-dah.
The Glass Menagerie –– Animal cracker.
Romeo and Juliet –– Bloom and doom.
Soul Doctor –– A Shlomo car crash.
First Date –– Woo-zy.
Let It Be –– Beatles barely.
Forever Tango –– Ill paso.

Reasons to Be Happy –– It's a limited run.
Far From Heaven –– Hell, in fact.
Nikolai and the Others –– Ballet ruse.
Pippin –– Not the sharpest naif.
I'll Eat You Last: A Chat With Sue Mengers –– Sue--ey!
Here Lies Love –– Filla in Manila.
The Trip to Bountiful –– Full of it.
Testament of Mary –– Sweet Mother of God!
The Assembled Parties –– Gabby haze.
Macbeth –– Cumming to naught.

Orphans –– Hostage la vista.
Jekyll & Hyde –– On the schiz.
Talley's Folly –– Talley whacker.
The Big Knife –– Dull.
The Nance –– Swish cheese.
Motown: The Musical –– Ain't nothing like the real thing.
Matilda –– Rag Dahl.
Kinky Boots –– Shodden freude.
Lucky Guy –– He's not alive to see this.
Hands on a Hardbody –– Pickup shticks.

Breakfast at Tiffany's –– Hardly goes lightly.
Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike –– Durang Durang.
Ann –– A game of Texas hokum.
Cinderella –– Slipper sucks.
Barry Manilow on Broadway –– He writes the songs that make the whole world stink.
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof –– Pussyfoots.
Picnic –– Bastard.
Glengarry Glen Ross –– Sales slip.
Golden Boy –– Bouts of depression.
The Killing of Sister George –– Dyke Turner.

The Anarchist –– Mametic.
Dead Accounts –– Accounts deceivable.
A Christmas Story –– Jingle bell rot.
The Piano Lesson –– Black keys.
Giant –– Texas toast.
Scandalous –– Aimless, simple Mcpherson.
The Performers –– Eros con pollo.
The Mystery of Edwin Drood –– Drood and crude.
Ivanov –– I've enough.
Annie –– Haul.

Elf –– U-C-K.
The Heiress –– Inherit the windy.
An Enemy of the People –– An enema of the people.
Grace –– Holy unoriginal.
Cyrano de Bergerac –– Nose doze.
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? –– Woolf hell.
Chaplin –– Stupor tramp.
Bring It On –– Cheer idiocy.
Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth –– Champ in on the bit.
Old Jews Telling Jokes –– Schmuckers jam.

One Man, Two Guvnors –– Go for bloke.
Zarkana –– Dreck Zarkana.
Potted Potter –– Harry lame.
Harvey –– Densest hopper.
Leap of Faith –– Faith-debased.
Nice Work if You Can Get It ––You can't get it if you try.
End of the Rainbow –– Sweet Judy blue pills.
Jesus Christ Superstar –– Lord & Failer.
Evita –– Tango and kitsch.
Peter and the Starcatcher –– Panful.

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E. Basil St. Blaise

BROADWAY BOOBY 2024

Best Musical: The Outsiders –– Youthless.
Best Play: Stereophonic –– Mano a mono.

TONY GUSHNER 2023

Best Musical: Kimberly Akimbo –– Of uncertain age.
Best Play: Leopoldstadt –– Vienna sausage.

TONY ASSWARD 2022

Best Musical: A Strange Loop –– Knock for a
Loop.
Best Play: The Lehman Tragedy –– Thunder collapse.

TONY STARKERS 2020-2021

Best Musical: Moulin Rouge! –– From Baz to worse.
Best Play: The Inheritence –– Gays into the future.

TONY HAIL 2019

Best Musical: Hadestown –– Under amour.
Best Play: The Ferryman –– Not worth the Troubles.

TONY SCHLUB LUBE 2018

Best Musical: The Band's Visit –– Group sects.
Best Play: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child –– In the first row fidgeting.

TONY ERRED, MAN 2017

Best Musical: Dear Evan Hansen –– Evan forbid.
Best Play: Oslo –– On the uptake.

TONY SNORLANDO 2016

Best Musical: Hamilton –– Beached.
Best Play: The Humans –– Them's the Blakes.

TONY SCANDALL 2015

Best Musical: Fun Home –– Bechdel testy.
Best Play: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time –– An autistic triumph.

TONY ROBBINGS 2014

Best Musical: A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder –– Bloke bad.
Best Play: All the Way –– Barely Lyndon.

TONY DANCER 2013

Best Musical: Kinky Boots –– Shodden freude.
Best Play: Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike — Durang Durang.

TONY SLOPRANO 2012

Best Musical: Once –– Is too much.
Best Play: Clybourne Park — Blackbuster.

TONY BENIGHT 2011

Best Musical: The Book of Mormon – Mormon baits.
Best Play: War Horse — Filly stank.

TONY LOCO 2010

Best Musical: Memphis— Grislys.
Best Play: Red — Bull.

TONY DINGY 2009

Best Musical: Billy Elliot — Tinny dancer.
Best Play: Gods of Carnage — Fret couples.

TONY BLARE 2008

Best Musical: In the Heights – Lemon merengue.
Best Play: August: Osage County – Okie dookie.

TONY DEAF 2007

Best Musical: Spring Awakening – Fall Asleeping.
Best Play: The Coast of Utopia – Like a sentence to Siberia.

TONY BALONEY 2006

Best Musical: Jersey Boys – For Valli girls.
Best Play: The History Boys – Fizz Ed.

Don't Dress for Dinner –– Farce gump.
The Columnist –– All sop.
Ghost the Musical –– Wraith relations.
The Lyons –– Done.
A Streetcar Named Desire –– Less than Stella.
Clybourne Park –– Blackbuster.
The Best Man –– Was not available.
Newsies –– Ink-stained retches.
Once –– Is too much.
Death of a Salesman –– Miller lite.

Carrie –– On and on and on.
Shatner’s World: We Just Live In It ..., –– All Kirk and no play.
Wit –– Chemo sobby.
The Gershwins' Porgy and Bess –– It ain't necessarily so good.
On a Clear Day You Can See Forever –– 21 on Broadway between 45th and 46th.
Lysistrata Jones –– Jocks strapped.
Stick Fly –– With pin.
Bonnie & Clyde –– For crime out loud.
An Evening with Patti Lupone and Mandy Patinkin –– Cooked hams.
Seminar –– Low class.

Private Lives –– Repartedium.
Hugh Jackman Back on Broadway –– Huge ack!, man.
Venus in Furs –– Mink devil.
Godspell –– JC puny.
Other Desert Cities –– Arid, extra dry.
Relatively Speaking –– Three-doh'd sloth.
Chinglish –– Rice relations.
Mountaintop –– King tut-tut.
Man and Boy –– Terence rat, again.
War Horse –– Whinny the poo.

Follies –– Déjà revue.
Hair –– Dies.
Anything Goes –– Cold Porter.
Master Class –– Callas. Disregard.
Baby It's You! –– Shreik the Musical.
The House of Blue Leaves –– Eats Shits & Leaves.
Born Yesterday — Borin' today.
Jerusalem — Junky monkey.
Wonderland — Wonderwhy.
The Normal Heart –– AIDS de camp.

High — Bye!
The Motherfucker With the Hat –– Handicapped.
Catch Me if You Can –– Before I close.
Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo –– Bungle Tiger.
Ghetto Klown –– Ghettoutahere!
The Other Place –– Not heaven.
How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying –– Really trying.
Priscilla Queen of the Desert –– Oz kissers.
Acadia –– Brainy yak.
That Championship Season –– Winning, in the Charlie Sheen sense.

Driving Miss Daisy –– Black seat driver.
Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark –– Turnoff: the dork.
The Importance of Being Earnest –– Scared stupid.
Donny & Marie: A Broadway Christmas –– A little bit country, a little bit vomit in your mouth.
Elling –– Illing.
A Free Man of Color –– Guare and tear.
The Merchant of Venice –– A pound of flash.
Elf –– Noel coward.
The Pee-wee Herman Show –– Pee-wheeze.
Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown — Hysterical data.

The Scottsboro Boys — The minstrel cycle.
Rain: A Tribute to the Beatles — A really hard day's night.
Lombardi — Vince fawn.
La Bête — Not a sure Bête.
Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson — Old Hickory shtick.
A Life in the Theatre — Staid troupers.
Brief Encounter — De-Brief.
Mrs. Warren's Profession — George Bernard's whore.
The Pitmen Painters — Art miner.
Enron — Skilling time.

Promises, Promises — Lemon pledge.
Fences – Don't picket.
Sondheim on Sondheim — The D'oh of Steve.
The Addams Family — Grisly Addams.
Million Dollar Quartet — Four play.
Come Fly Away — Crank Sinatra.
All About Me — Skitsophrenic.
Next Fall — Season of the swish.
When the Rain Stops Falling — All wet.
A Behanding in Spokane — Clap trap.

The Miracle Worker — Deaf, dumb and bland.
Time Stands Still — Like in a morgue.
A View From the Bridge — Of Scarlett Johansson's abutment.
Present Laughter — Past tense.
A Little Night Music — Swede and lowdown.
Race — Coarse.
Fela! — Failure!
In the Next Room or the vibrator play — Is it meant to be taken clitorally?
Finian's Rainbow — From bad to erse.
Brighton Beach Memoirs — The kishka death (Closed in 1 week.)

After Miss Julie — No, miss Julie before.
Bye Bye Birdie — Ciao, hound.
Oleanna — Holy Hannah!
Let Me Down Easy — OK, um, it's not your worst solo show.
The Royal Family — Barrymore or less.
Broke-ology — Beyond repair.
An Evening Without Monty Python — Or laughs.
Hamlet — Jude lost.
Wishful Drinking — Carrie on baggage.
A Steady Rain — Delugional.

Burn the Floor — The sets and the costumes.
Next to Normal — Mood swing music.
Mary Stuart — Queen of snots.
9 to 5 — Drudge report.
Waiting for Godot — Kicks the Beckett.
The Norman Conquests — Three dog nights.
Joe Turner Has Come and Gone — Black out.
Rock of Ages — Gyps some.
reasons to be pretty — Shake your beauty.
Ireana's Vow — Sworn out.

Hair — Retro racket.
Exit the King — Acid reign.
Impressionism — Pointiless.
West Side Story — Jets lag.
Blithe Spirit — Blight spirit.
33 Variations — On one note.
Guys and Dolls — Runyon on empty.
Ruined — Like my evening.
You're Welcome America. A Final Night With George W. Bush — Ferrell dog.

Hedda Gabler — Ibsen flows.
The American Plan — Catskills set.
Becky Shaw — Shaw shot.
The Cherry Orchard — Full of pits.
Pal Joey — Pale joy.
Shrek — A foul ogre.
Liza's at the Palace… — And the queen's amused.
Prayer for My Enemy — He should see this twice.
Home — Run.
Irving Berlin's White Christmas — Der Bingle jells.

Dividing the Estate — Kick the clan.
The Radio City Christmas Spectacular — Snow good.
American Buffalo — Nickel and damned.
Speed the Plow — The intersection of Hollywood and swine.
All My Sons — Including Moe and Curly.
To Be or Not To Be — To see or not to see? Nazi.
A Man for All Seasons — No laughing martyr.
The Seagull — Chekhov your list.
Equus — Harry peter.
A Tale of Two Cities — Singing in the Reign of Terror.

The Tempest — Tempest fudge it.
Buffalo Gal — Wading in the wings.
[title of show] — Blankety blank.
Kicking a Dead Horse — Nag, nag, nag.
Damn Yankees — Soul pitch.
The Bacchae — Thick as Thebes.
Cirque Dreams Jungle Fantasy — Cirque de So Gay.
Saved — Irredeemable.
Top Girls — Churchill downs.
Glory Days — Make that day. (Closed after 1 perf.)

Boeing Boeing — Stewpid.
Thurgood — The bad and the ugly.
Cry-Baby — Bawl boy.
A Catered Affair — All-you-can-stomach.
Macbeth — Bard stiff.
South Pacific — Bali low.
Gypsy — Rose leech.
Adding Machine — Does not compute.
Jackie Mason: The Ultimate Jew — The Katz meow.
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof — Limp Brick.

Passing Strange — And it stings down there, too.
Sunday in the Park with George — Que Seurat, Seurat.
Crimes of the Heart — Ms.demeanors.
Jerry Springer: The Opera — Scuzzy fan tutte.
Come Back, Little Sheba — This dog returns.
November — Poli Sigh.
Alfred Hitchcock's The 39 Steps — Whodumbedit?
The Seafarer — Not worth its salt.
The Little Mermaid — Flounders.

The Homecoming –– Pinter tale on the wonky.
The Farnsworth Invention –– TV guyed.
The Fantasticks –– Fantastinks.
Is He Dead? –– A Twain wreck.
Young Frankenstein –– Monster mush.
Rock 'N' Roll –– Czech bouncers.
A Bronx Tale –– A wopper.
Pygmalion –– 'Ideous.
The Ritz –– Full of schvitz.
Grease –– Slick and tired.

Xanadu –– Discoblecch.
Legally Blonde –– And deaf and dumb.
Old Acquaintance –– Be forgot.
The Pirate Queen –– Booty and the beach.
110 in the Shade –– Sere sucker.
Inherit the Wind –– It's a trial even for the monkeys.
A Moon for the Misbegotten –– Smashed hit.
Deuce –– Double fault.
Frost Nixon –– Dick David.
The Year of Magical Thinking –– Good grief!

Blackbird –– Preaching to the perverted.
Lovemusik –– Kurt vile.
Curtains –– My favorite part of the show.
Our Leading Lady –– Lays a Lincoln log.
Talk Radio –– Schlock jock.
Prelude to a Kiss –– Flawplay.
The Apple Tree –– Rotten to the chorus.
Journey's End –– Trench tickler.
Follies –– Self-explanatory.
High Fidelity –– Bye, Fidelity. (closed)

Company –– Marital blitz.
The Vertical Hour –– You'll be horizontal by hour two.
Mary Poppins –– Supercalifragilisticespeciallyatrocious.
The Little Dog Laughed –– So bring your peke, she might get it.
Les Misérables –– More miserable.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas! –– Seuss and desist.
Grey Gardens –– Crank case.
The Times They Are A-Changin' –– Bomb Dylan.
Butley –– Mine was sore.
A Chorus Line –– One! Out of ten.

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie –– Grating students.
Martin Short: Fame Becomes Me –– Short end of the shtick.
Mother Courage –– Brecht down.
Faith Healer –– Out of touch.
The Lieutenant of Inishmore –– Rot IRA.
Tarzan –– Lord of the Jingle.
The Wedding Singer –– I Loathe The 80s.
Lestat –– Le static.
Sandra Bernhard: Everything Bad & Beautiful –– Half right.
Three Penny Opera –– Worth every cent.

Three Days of Rain –– All wet.
Awake and Sing! –– Try managing the first part.
Barefoot in the Park –– Reboot.
The Drowsy Chaperone –– A sleeper. Literally.
RIng of Fire –– A waste of Cash.
The Pajama Game –– Labor's love lost.
The Phantom of the Opera –– The longest-running show in Broadway history. Every night.
Sweeney Todd –– Barber chop quartet.
Doubt –– Priests alter boys.
Chicago –– Illin' noise.

The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee –– Insufferrible.
The Color Purple –– Referring to the prose, I guess.
Radio City Christmas Show –– Blah humbug.
The Woman in White –– Andrew Lloyd Weeper.
The Odd Couple –– To qualify as a revival they would have to provide smelling salts at the curtain.
A Naked Girl on the Appian Way –– Incest repellent.
In My Life –– A musician with Tourette's falls for a reporter with a compulsive disorder. Some (fuck, shit) enchanted evening...
Chita Rivera: The Dancer's Life –– The ageless Broadway legend sings and dances her way through a dazzling tour of America's theatrical history after her nightly bath in the blood of sacrificial virgins.
The Blond in the Thunderbird –– An exquisite coup de theatre from the author of The Sexy Years: Discover the Hormone Connection – The Secret of Fabulous Sex, Great Health, and Vitality, for Women and Men.
Naked Boys Singing! –– Peepee. Heehee.

Lennon –– O, no!
All Shook Up –– And puking on my Blue Suede Shoes.
Sweet Charity –– Here's my $101.25 to the Ex-Sitcom Bimbo With A Bum Leg Fund.
Jackie Mason: Freshly Squeezed –– When life gives you a lemon...
The Light in the Piazza –– Mike swallows a firefly.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang –– Pronounce the ch as in cliché.
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? –– Little-read Riding Hood.
Wicked –– Suffers from Crone's Disease.
Spamalot –– And now for something completely familiar.
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels –– Scamalot.
The Producers –– Pay $480 for a VIP ticket to see two nobodies play Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick on Broadway.
Hairspray––Roots for crossdressers.

Mamma Mia! –– ABBAminable.
La Cage aux Folles –– Redefines drag for a whole new generation of closeted homophobes.
Avenue Q –– Tickle Me Asshole.
Rent –– 1 RM, 2 ACTS w/LITE RCK, W/W CARPING.
Bombay Dreams –– Sodom and Pakora.
Fiddler on the Roof –– Break with Tradition.
Beauty and the Beast –– The most life-affirming theatrical experience since Finding Nemo on Ice (he still stinks, by the way.)
The Boy from Oz –– Further evidence to support David Gest in divorce court.
Dracula –– Gives sucking a bad name.