BOOSTER SHOTS
(Special from Farsi News Service) –– We are announcing with much fanfare what is out of this world (WANK WANK!) triumph of the Iranian Space Agencies who have with successfulness launched a chimpanzees into outer spaces and again returned him to blessed Islamic Republic. Our Supreme Leaders Ayatollah Khamenei is praising the teams of scientist who make for this Hajj to the star, with highest accolade and when assures, "they all keep both hands."
He was more somewhat assuring of lucky primates passengers, with nickynames of Mahmoo, by promising Blessed Republic's full financial supporting of proposed Space Chimps 3 movie, as long as "which must to have him starring in it." Though His Benelovences is going on record to be strongly non-believing in phrase "dying is easy, comedy is hard", and has spent much of Imamhood in disproving part the first of this old sawbuck, he did add what some listener believe to be a "gasser." Him saying, "We trust Producers of movie, they being those who offered us a piece of Argo II." (WANK WANK!)
Is pinochle of ISAs majestic histories, and a feats of so much difficulty, it has not been attempted by Great Satan's own NASA (Nasty Apostates Space Agencies) in over 50 years! And now, is for some history. Began on February 3, 2010, ISAs was launching a Kavoshgar-3 (in Queen English Explorer-3) rocket with one rodents, two turtle, and several worm (hah, where was Zionists?) into spaces below the orbital and was returning them to Earth alive and even more pious, mostly. Was said turtle and worm readjust well to Earth gravities, but rodents (a gerbils from other country, reputedly) was much confused, and, at prayer time, always facing West. Was sending to Hereafter for reeducation.
Then Kavoshgar-5 (Explorer-5) from ISAs for first time carrying a live monkeys was launching for a 20-minute flight below the orbital in September 2011. Sadly mission was failing and monkeys (a macaque from other country, we hear) understandably blamed. Surviving familys joined foreign-born rodents for reeducation. Here is to hope that along with glory, which our enemies will surely deny us (already British newsdogs are crying "Hoax!" over ape shot), they will also be remembering a rocket that can send hairy ones over the rainbow can also shoot megatons over the ocean.
Though we now be top amongst leader of so-called Asian Space Races, we are too big to stand here and make laughter of the also-launches. We are philosophized and know not all can draw up on the geniousity of the Persian mind, along with the blessing of the true Almightys. Yet still we also want to encourage our Axis of Evil "twin separated at birth" of the Pimple Republics of North Korea. Kim the Young Jong-un, keep trying with the rockets, to get it up! For though persevering, recent duds test firing is showing that what is said of size of Korea man's missiles is more than rumor. Though we cannot for the life of us be understanding of how it is harder to get such as a teeny-weeny rockets off the launch pads. Maybe less Obi beer and more prayer to ancestor. (WANK WANK!)
Still good luck to all who challenge infidel conquest of spaces. And remember words Mahmoo says up on placing foots on Iran soil, "One small steps for ape, one big headaches for Great Satan!"
2/1/13
SLOPPY SECONDS
Now that the lip-smacking over the lip-synching Inaugural's Warblegate is behind us, the people's government in Washington can turn it's miniscule attention span to the other critical scandals which threaten our democracy. Benghazigate. Hillary Clinton's Concussiongate. Lance Armstrong's Brassballgate. John Boehner's Gofuckyourselfgate. Joe Biden's Bigfuckingdealgate.
But the first real crisis of Obama's second term is Whiteguygate, a kerfluffle expertly fluffed by the likes of both Fox and MSNBC, that centers on the President's startling abandonment of women and his own kind in the choosing of his B team. The right is shocked, shocked –– though not unpleasantly –– that the names of more Black Panthers have not been bandied about to serve as the advance guard of the Liberal Apocalypse, while Rachel Maddow and Co. are just very, very hurt. And the choice of former prosecutorial Hobbit Mary Jo White to head the Securities and Exchange Commission has, unsurprisingly, done little to quell the cries of sexism.
President Barry Dunham seems increasingly comfortable in embracing his inner Caucasian and his inner Barry Jr., as he assembles a Cabinet filled with porcelain male figures. Sure, he originally made noise about nominating sassy UN Ambassador Susan Rice for Secretary of State, but he must have known how slim the chances were that the Senate would allow a second, far spicier helping of brown Rice into the mess at Foggy Bottom. His supposed 'second choice' of numbnuts (it's the Botox) Nam Vet, John Kerry, was warmly embraced by Foreign Relations' newbie John McCain, who had crashed the Committee just to keep his saucy nemesis down in her UN 'hood.
It looks as if only white pieces are being hopped and swapped on the West Wing checkerboard. Jack Lew, of the loop-the-loop signature, is being replaced by Jack McDonough as Chief of Staff even as Lew lopes over to the Treasury Department so that Timothy Geithner can finally return home to Wall Street for his hero's welcome. Leon Panetta's schedule will be freed up so that he can accept long-standing invites to private-sector cocktails from Boeing and Lockheed Martin if and when former Senator Chuck Hagel successfully runs the confirmation gauntlet to replace him at Defense. And those Senate interrogators are sure to prepare for the deadly drone attack of CIA nominee John Brennan by arming themselves with uppers and a battery of their own pontifical buzz bombs.
Democratic supporters feel that there's still time to diversify the inner circle to better reflect the American electorate. Can't Obama officially unchain Django and have him deal out his brand of revenge for civil rights' offenses at the Justice Department? When Ken Salazar steps down from his post, who better to oversee the care and decoration of the nation's Interior than RuPaul? And when it comes to courting the now-essential Latino vote, why not offer J-Lo a rear admiralty so she can someday soon assume chairpersonship of the Joint Chiefs?
1/28/13