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Nancy & Sluggo
Week of 12/04/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Nancy Pelosi in a parody of Nancy Sinatra Record Thes Boots are Made for Walkin' with Donald Trump and Mike Pence‘Don’t Mess With Me’: Nancy Pelosi Flexes Her Muscles
–– Kicks Colludeus Maximus.

The $120,000 Banana Wins Art Basel
–– Basel expression level.

Nancy Pelosi calls Donald Trump a 'coward' for not addressing gun violence
–– And what for everything else?

Trump's 'Fake Orgasm' Is What Got Former FBI Lawyer Lisa Page to Break Her Silence
–– Cum to think of it.

Republicans launch impeachment rebuttal ahead of Judiciary hearing
–– From way up rebutt.

Trump faces deadline on participating in proceedings
–– Claims to have misplace Save the Date card.

White House Signals Trump Won’t Mount House Impeachment Defense
–– Will instead remain on High Horse.

Top Republican on House Judiciary Committee calls for Adam Schiff to testify
–– Wants to subpoena Richard Nixon.

Schiff: Trump 'doesn't give a s--t about what's good for our country'
–– He’s given shit all about us.

'It's A Fluid Process': Republicans Huddle With White House On Senate Trial
–– It's #1 priority.

Melania Trump says Pamela Karlan ‘should be ashamed’ of her Barron punch line at the impeachment hearings
–– “Whatever that feels like.”

Elon Musk wins in 'pedo guy' defamation trial
–– Court refused to back pedo.

Alanis Morissette claims she wasn't allowed to look Vanilla Ice in the eye while touring with him
–– He might melt.

Jenna Jameson Says She Gained 20 Lbs. After Taking a Break from Keto to 'Live My Best Carby Life'
–– Also dropped high-protein diet from porn days.

Trump says the EPA is looking 'very strongly' at 'sinks and showers and other elements of bathrooms' because people are flushing their toilets 10 to 15 times
–– As presidency heads down drain.

Willie Nelson Says He’s Quit Smoking Pot
–– Pope announces he’s Buddhist.

“All Body Types Can Be Badass": Aidy Bryant, Niecy Nash and TV's Positivity Push
–– Some asses really bad.

David Fizdale fired by Knicks in ‘sickening’ ending
–– Fizzed out.

Ron Leibman, Actor in 'Angels in America,' 'Where's Poppa?' and 'Friends,' Dies at 82
–– Just unstuck in time.

Trump meets with Erdogan as other world leaders scold Turkey
–– Sits on bearded Trump’s lap with gift list.

The Owner of the New York Jets Fired a Career Diplomat for Daring to Mention Obama
–– As bad as coach uttering 'winning season.'

Joey Gallo tests the dimensions at the Texas Rangers' new ballpark
–– Crazy Joe looking for place to ’bury opponents.’

Russia arrests conman who built fake border with Finland
–– Nice to know something's illegal in Russia.

Donald Tusk makes what appears to be 'gun' gesture at Trump's back
–– If you're gun crazy.

David Foster on wife Katharine McPhee: 'Singing, acting, beauty, she's got it all'
–– ‘And rich husband who she’ll clearly outlive.’

How Paris' Open-Air Urinals Changed a City—and Helped Dismantle the Nazi Regime
–– Pissoirtime stories.

Infrared Reveals Egyptian Mummies' Hidden Tattoos
–– Heart with dagger through it labeled 'Mut.'

Archaeologists Find Hair Dye Bottles Used by Self-Conscious Civil War Soldiers Posing for Portraits
–– Digging at Grant’s Tomb.

Climate Change May Be Causing Birds to Shrink—and Their Wings to Grow
–– Sounds like wing/wing situation.

How melting ice could help us fill the gaps in our history books
–– Just before history ends.

Extinction Rebellion protester dressed as bee superglues himself to Lib Dem battlebus
–– To get you to take seriously.

Most Massive Black Hole in Local Universe With 40bn Solar Masses Found
–– Observable universe: 'BFD!'

Your zip software can calculate the complex physical quantity called entropy
–– This might take awhile to uncompress.

Boris Johnson Is Heading for a Majority, Labour and Tory Officials Say
–– Voters to choose revolver over slow-acting poison.

Booker says he was 'taken aback' by Bloomberg calling him 'well-spoken'
–– At least he didn’t call him 'clean.'

Top U.S. Cybersecurity Officials to Depart as Election Season Enters Full Swing
–– Were already working at Walmart part-time.

Darlene Love says she was 'snubbed' by producers of Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting: 'They book these younger artists who can't even hit the high notes'
–– Shows no Love.

KFC is selling a chicken-scented fire log to warm your drumsticks this holiday season
–– So you can smell like greasy chicken until new year.

State Department offers $5 million to find US citizen on Most Wanted Terrorist List
–– I found him, he was at the end! Where’s my 5 mil?

More than 140,000 people worldwide died from measles last year, most of them younger than 5
–– Robert Kennedy Jr. takes bow.

‘Justice League’ Cinematographer Says Theatrical Cut Threw Out 90% of Zack Snyder’s Footage
–– ’Saved 10% of absolute worst.’

Trump publicly humiliated Melania's dad and kicked him off a golf course after he borrowed one of his signature red hats, former housekeeper says
–– Cap left permanent stain on dad's brow.

Are Melania Trump’s Pantsuits a Pointed Message for Donald?
–– With lock on zipper?

Record-breaking haul of meth worth $818 million seized in Australia; 2 customs agents charged
–– Authorities grew suspicious when they observed roos jumping 50 feet.

Crack vs. Heroin: An unfair system arrested millions of blacks, urged compassion for whites
–– So arrest more whites.

Hedge fund billionaire Steve Cohen is buying the Mets
–– Wilpons couldn’t find bigger crook.

49ers suspend analyst over 'dark skin' remarks about Ravens' Lamar Jackson
–– Melanin trump.

A model was disqualified from Miss World for being a mother. Now she's pushing back
–– Giving birth to second child.

Puppies living in a carcass rescued on mountain
–– Hope they meant crevasse.

Another Tennessee murderer chooses electric chair over lethal injection
–– On layaway plan.

Scientists say a once-a-month birth control pill works on pigs. They want to test it on people next
–– We have some suggestions.

With strong accent, Hugh Grant 'went for it' in Ritchie's 'The Gentlemen'
–– Performance ended up in Gents.

Jason Derulo Angry After Instagram Removes His Revealing Underwear Photo: 'I Can't Help My Size'
–– Bigger dick than anyone imagined.

US forces kill jihadist leader in Syria with precision 'ninja' missile that chops up targets with blades
–– Great for salads, too!

Mark Zuckerberg Reveals His Daughters August, 2, and Max, 4, Have 'Responsibilities' at Home
–– Someone's got to scri=ub toilets.

Olivia Wilde Defends ‘Richard Jewell’ Role in Which Her Reporter Offers Sex for Scoops
–– Of ice cream? Outrageous!

Chipotle Has On-Call Nurses Who Check That Employees Who Call In Sick Are Not Just Hungover
–– Need them in restaurants anticipating next e coli outbreak.

Poor Potato Crops Could Lead to a North American French Fry Shortage
–– Chips are down?

Peloton’s perplexing new holiday ad has incensed the internet
–– Pedaling new theories.

Jason Momoa apologizes for calling out Chris Pratt's use of a plastic water bottle
–– Caps off.

A man called a telecom company 24,000 times to complain. Now he's been arrested
–– Spam a lot.

Pablo Escobar's brother released a foldable smartphone that he claims can only be destroyed by fire
–– A burner.

Claude Earl Jones, Actor in 'Bride of Re-Animator,' Dies at 86
–– Hoping for sequel.

Trudeau admits to talking about Trump after President calls him 'two-faced'
–– Like Sybil calling you ‘a little schizy.’

Justin Trudeau reveals what he said about Donald Trump in NATO leaders 'gossip' video
–– ‘Can you believe that outfit he’s got on? Again? Gag me with a spoon. And that hair!’

Trudeau’s hot mic comments cause consternation in Canada
–– Is that true, though?

Macron confronts Trump on ISIS: 'Let's be serious'
–– Like asking Marcel Marceau, ‘Let’s sing harmony.’

Kind and Committed: Joaquin Phoenix Is PETA’s Person of the Year
–– Who should be kinda committed.

Ford and McDonald's are turning coffee waste into car parts
–– Found common grounds.

Rudy Giuliani just blew up Trump’s “no quid pro quo” talking point
–– Took half a stick of firecracker.

Devin Nunes Tries to Explain Away His Parnas and Giuliani Calls to Hannity
–– Mount Parnas's defense.

Devin Nunes Sues CNN For More Than $435 Million Over Ukraine-Biden Report
–– High Nunes?

Brad Pitt cries more than he used to
–– Got full set of DVDs of his movies.

Rep. Duncan Hunter to plead guilty in campaign finance violations case
–– Duncan into campaign funds.

Duncan Hunter says he'll resign after holidays following guilty plea over misusing campaign funds
–– Christmas comes early.

Eddie Van Halen's son defends Billie Eilish not knowing his dad's band
–– And not being able to carry tune.

Owning a dog tied to lowering your risk of dying early by 24%, says science
–– In dog years.

Chicago mayor fires city's top cop for 'intolerable' actions and misleading the public, she says
–– PDQ.

Woman fakes illness to get bigger seat on plane, causing flight to make emergency landing
–– Mental illness seems pretty real.

North Korea blasts Japanese PM as 'idiot,' warns of ballistic missile launch toward Japan
–– Monkeys fling BMs, Kim flings ICBMs.

Kim Jong Un is back on his white horse, as North Korea flags a big decision
–– Where was unicorn horn?

North Korea warns US to prepare for 'Christmas gift,' but no one's sure what to expect
–– Pucker up, stand under missile, though.

NBC’s Chuck Todd was flabbergasted by a Republican senator's claim that the former Ukrainian president worked for Hillary Clinton
–– On Vince Foster hit.

Hillary Clinton talks about her sexuality in wide-ranging Howard Stern interview: 'Contrary to what you might hear, I actually like men'
–– If Bill couldn't convince you to switch teams…

If ‘Pain Is an Opinion,’ There Are Ways to Change Your Mind
–– If ‘Pain is an Opinion’ is an opinion, ignore.

53 Percent of Republicans Say Trump Is a Better President Than Lincoln
–– Thought poll referred to MKX.

Louis C.K.: "rather be in Auschwitz than New York City"
–– Camp humor.

Amazon Removes Auschwitz Christmas Ornaments, Bottle Openers After Outrage
–– Still carrying oven mitts.

No malarkey? Biden's old-school slogan gets mocked and praised in Iowa
–– Generation crap.

Biden calls Iowa voter a ‘damn liar’ after he brings up his son and Ukraine
–– Joe, think about branding, say ‘full of malarkey.’

Don’t understand how Biden's still ahead? You don't know enough older black voters.
–– Or read coverage in NY Times, Washington Post, MSNBC.

Montana Gov. Steve Bullock quits Democratic presidential race, isn't running for Senate
–– Don’t mind the Bullock’s.

Joe Sestak ends long-shot 2020 Democratic presidential campaign
–– Odds were Sestaked against him.

MSNBC Apologizes for Mistaking Ousted Navy Secretary for White Supremacist
–– At least both have samename.

'The Daily Show' mocks CNN for 'cutting to the wrong black guy' during impeachment hearing
–– Like that never ever happens with white guy on cable news.

News Wrap: U.S. official says Iran may have killed 1,000 in protest crackdown
–– Imam maim.

Iran leader calls for ‘Islamic mercy’ after bloody crackdown
–– ‘Now that our bloodlust is slaked.’

Anti-headscarf law activist sues Iran in US over harassment
–– Wrap head around that.

A man was shot to death by the handmade device he made to protect his home
–– Last words: 'It works.'

Relic believed to be from Jesus' manger returned to Holy Land
–– The Last Straw?

The Coast Guard searched for a kite surfer for 16 hours. Then, the missing person called them on the phone.
–– Thought he was board stiff.

John Simon: Now That He’s Gone, the Image of the Critic as Hater May Have Died Out Too
–– When there’s more to hate than ever.

Irving Burgie, Songwriter of Calypso Hit 'Day-O,' Dies at 95
–– Tally six foot bunch.

Pete Davidson Asks Comedy Show Attendees to Sign NDA With $1 Million Fine
–– Didn’t they pay enough listening to shitty set?

Lord Snowdon Was the First Member of the Royal Family to Arrive at Aberfan
–– Camilla Parker-Bowles first to watch AbFab.

Suzanne Somers Finally Opens Up About Getting Fired From 'Three's Company'
–– She's a crowd.

Washington family stunned by Olive Garden waiter singing 'Happy Birthday'
–– It was funeral dinner.

BET Founder Says No Current Democratic Candidate Can Beat Trump
–– Wouldn’t BET on them.

Klobuchar calls Trump Ukraine scandal ‘a global Watergate’
–– Did Giuliani, Parnas, Fruman break into Zelinsky's offices?

Donald Trump Reportedly Told Then-Wife Ivana Trump to "Never Look a Day Over 28"
–– “And I’ll never look at a girlfriend over 28."

Hong Kong Protesters Wave Trump-Rocky Poster At Pro-Democracy Rally
–– Movement getting punch-drunk.

What the Hell Are Ukrainian Fascists Doing In The Hong Kong Protests?
–– Trump requested them from Zelinsky.

300 homes in Queens flooded with waste after massive sewage spill
–– Queens for bidet.

London Bridge terrorist claimed he wanted to be deradicalised and become a 'good British citizen'
–– How'd that work out?

The Jeffrey Epstein Case Shows That Paranoia Is the Only Possible Response to The Moment
–– Claims paranoiac.

Trump says he doesn’t know Prince Andrew. They had a breakfast meeting in June.
–– Trump: “I mean like that cute young blonde did.”

Caitlyn Jenner Says the Kardashian-Jenners Are the 'Royal Family' of Entertainment
–– She’s Prince Andrew.

The 'truth' behind Queen Elizabeth and Princess Anne's viral moment
–– Royal pain in the next.

‘Anne is closer the Queen than she used to be' claims royal expert
–– In case she tips over.

Duchess Camilla stuns in two daring outfits as she attends engagements
–– Has knock-out pellets in push-up bra.

Guns N' Roses, Maroon 5, DJ Khaled Added to Pre-Super Bowl Shows
–– Hoping they’ll add up to single headliner.

Bill Cosby Bashes CNN, New York Times And Says “The Truth Is In The Pudding”
–– Jell-o declines to endorse.

Kamala Harris suffers new blow as aide resigns with scathing letter: 'I've never seen staff treated so poorly'
–– Charges Harrisment.

Kamala Harris Says She’s Still ‘in This Fight,’ but Out of the 2020 Race
–– Fighting words and their meaning.

Why is Kamala Harris gone while Pete Buttigieg is still here?
–– Higher poll numbers, more money?

#DemsSoWhite? Kamala Harris' Exit Raises Hard Questions About Race And Power
–– How abot #DemsSoElectable?

‘The Irishman': Less Than 20% Finished Scorsese Epic in Its First 24 Hours on Netflix
–– 80% never heard of fast forward button.

Martin Scorsese says Netflix's The Irishman wouldn't work as a TV series
–– Doesn’t really work as TV movie.

Newsweek 'fires' journalist who reported Trump was golfing for Thanksgiving before he secretly travelled to Afghanistan
–– Swore she was providing diversion for terrorists.

Billy Dee Williams Of 'Star Wars' Describes Himself As Gender Fluid
–– Rather not consider his 82-year-old fluids.

All About Carrie Fisher's Return in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker After Her Death
–– Exhume the position.

Roseanne Barr, Booted Off TV For Racist Tweet, Tapped For Trumpettes' Gala At Mar-a-Lago
–– Trumpette so low.

Leonardo DiCaprio responds after Brazil's President blames actor for Amazon forest fires
–– "You can't be for Rio!'