Beware Force One
Week of 08/14/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Iran's state media mock Trump over airplane switch, meme shows him hiding in a catering truck
–– Chose chicken for dinner.
Trump's hair appears fuller, social media erupts
–– Fertilizer beneath working.
Contradicting public statements, Trump took secret flight from Turkey amid Iranian threat
–– Looking as clumsy as wild turkey.
WAPO: Trump secretly switched planes using catering truck
–– Requested to ride vehicle all the way back to States.
Shoulder-fired missile threat prompted Trump’s plane ruse, source says
–– Based on off-the-cuff intelligence.
Why Iran is so desperate to assassinate Donald Trump
–– If you have to ask…
CIA had ‘low confidence’ in Iranian threat before Trump switched planes in Turkey
–– Low intelligence all around.
US says it can keep naval blockade on Iran 'indefinitely,' vows more economic pressure
–– On United States, world.
Pentagon presses defense firms to build weapons as Iran war depletes stocks
–– Asking Chineses fireworks makers for backup.
U.S. military has lost roughly 25% of its Reaper drones as Iran war depletes arsenal
–– $30 - 50 mil each –– talk about grim Reaper.
Senators demand inquiry into conditions aboard USS Abraham Lincoln
–– Like 250-night deployment to Presidential Box at Ford's Theatre.
Trump says record-setting Navy deployment to support Iran operations 'not nearly long enough’
–– Mister Tough Guy wouldn’t last one night.
What does Trump mean when he says the US is ‘low-keying’ negotiations with Iran?
–– He meant ‘Lokiing’ by inviting God of Mischief to step in.
US 'miscalculated' in war due to intel 'failures,' Araghchi says
–– This week in ‘D’uh.’
Kennedy Center Board Decides to Inscribe Trump’s Name on Building
–– This shitshow’s firmly in reruns.
Why Karoline Leavitt might be impossible for Trump to replace
–– How many human fem bots are there?
Karoline Leavitt’s resignation left Trump flat-footed with no plan to replace her as press secretary: official
–– Flat body part is brain.
Benign Inflation Data Offers Reprieve to Fed as It Weighs Rate Increase
–– Like you can trust decimal point of these numbers.
Unemployment improved, because thousands of workers disappeared. Where did they go?
–– Home.
Truth Social’s sale of fast access to Trump posts draws legal concerns
–– Not from inside-trading members of Congress.
Trump Gives Green Light to U.S. Companies to Aim Hacks at Cybercriminals
–– And political opponents.
‘We’re the pawns': Epstein survivors say DOJ has failed them as Todd Blanche takes over
–– Been rooked?
‘We’ve never seen anything like this’: ICE’s detention crackdown swamps the courts
–– Or heard by judges.
Homeland Security Paid $464 Million for Airplanes. Then It Parked Them.
–– What happens when you throw billions at ‘Mob Cops.’
Trump administration set to spend at least $900 million on White House construction
–– Cheaper beautification project would be demo of unsightly Administration damaging interior.
Trump Crypto Took $100 Million From a Businessman With Red Flags
–– Like US Treasury is own private home equity lender.
I Was Dick Cheney’s Cardiologist. Trump Has Not Looked Well, and We Should Know Why.
–– Makes Cheney look like picture of health. Today.
RFK Jr. says he’s seen ‘boxes and boxes’ of McDonald’s on Trump plane
–– How many Happy Meal toys?
Felony record didn’t stop fraudster from fleecing GI Bill of $1.5 million
–– Wanted to set new record.
Ocasio-Cortez Says She Is Freezing Her Eggs and Still Mulling a Presidential Run
–– Why doesn’t she mull eggs, freeze run?
Piker demands Democrats defend him from attacks, claims he’s no ‘toxic radical force'
–– But we’re still sickened.
Israel rejects Trump’s Gaza peace plan, saying no withdrawal until Hamas disarms
–– Stiff as a Board of Peace.
Putin Humiliated as His Vacation Home Defenses Go Up in Flames Following Ukrainian Attack
–– Prep for his coming permanent vacation in Hell.
Ousted Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad sentenced to death in absentia
–– We don’t know where that is, but good on Abstentians.
Top economist warns that the AI math doesn’t make sense: ‘Profits are currently being funded by investors rather than earned from customers’
–– Is that AI-generated new definition of ‘profits’?
David Ellison Threatens to Pull Paramount Out of California Starting Oct. 1 if States Refuse to Negotiate Settlement in Antitrust Suit
–– Take his USS Enterprise, Maverick toys and go home.
The CEO who fired 900 people on Zoom just before Christmas wants his job back
–– How about rehire, fire him 900 times?
Barack Obama blames Larry David for his infamous tan suit scandal in 'Life, Larry and the Pursuit of Unhappiness'
–– And this bad show scandal?
Bill Maher’s Joke About Ariana Grande’s Weight Draws Groans From ‘Real Time’ Audience
–– Scales depths?
Keen Ruffalo Never Intended to Get Into the Family Business
–– Was nepo maybe?
How Photographer Oscar Abolafia Ended Up Taking Striking Meg Tilly Photo While Filming The Girl in a Swing
–– More like in a schwing!
Howard Stern Insider Claims Staff Risked Firing for Speaking to Him at Parties
–– Stern rebuke.
“Highlander” Actor Christopher Lambert, 69, Collapses at Fan Convention, Abruptly Taken Away by Ambulance
–– Driven by Juan Sánchez-Villalobos Ramírez!
‘Matrix’ Director Lilly Wachowski Claims Hollywood Is Passing on Her New Movie Over Transgender Cast
–– Where are Neo liberals?
‘Black Mirror’ and ‘Loki’ Directors Say They Rejected HBO’s ‘Harry Potter’ Due to J.K. Rowling’s Transphobia: ‘Absolutely F—-ing Not’
–– How will they possibly get by without you?
Taron Egerton says he is estranged from his dad after 'pushing ejector seat'
–– In weirdest audition for James Bond.
Ewan McGregor now just trying to straight-up bully Disney into letting him be Obi-Wan again
–– Obi-have!
Apple TV Orders Alfonso Cuarón Cult Horror Thriller ‘Ascension,’ ‘Outlander’ Alum Caitríona Balfe to Star
–– C’mon, Alfie, direct another movie –– you think you’re Kubrick or something?
Supergirl & The Bride’s Box Office Crash Nearly Cut Warner Bros.’ Revenue in Half
–– Bitched up.
There Was a Topless Woman Hiding in This Classic Disney Movie for Decades
–– Lady and the Tramp?
Netflix says it's ultimately David Fincher's fault we didn't get a third season of Mindhunter
–– Or act of mercy.
Jenna Ortega’s Sister Reacts to Public Discourse Over ‘Wednesday’ Star’s Appearance
–– “!!!” is what she 'said' to prompt headline. Really.
Brad Pitt Says He’s Drinking Again After 7 Years of Sobriety
–– Meet Joe blackout.
Why Stockard Channing is ‘happy being a recluse’
–– Along with everyone else.
Jodie Foster’s former stalker shares message for actor decades after Reagan assassin
–– Hinckley hinky as ever.
Rod Stewart Cancels Upcoming Tour Dates Following Coronary Stent Procedure
–– Did agree to seated performance of medley for rehab nurses.
Whitney Houston’s Sister-in-Law Pat Houston Personally Approved Singer’s New Barbie Doll
–– Nixed coke spoon.
50 Years Ago Today: ‘The New York Times’ Calls Elton John ‘Wallpaper Music’
–– If you had wallpaper in your elevator.
Tupac’s Murder Case Heads to Trial, 30 Years After Rap Icon’s Death
–– O Gee!
A new bombshell: New investigation details UEFA payments to individual associated with Infantino
–– Oof-ah!
New Zealand withdraws support for beleaguered FIFA chief Gianni Infantino
–– Note off-Kiwi.
How Bob Iger and Joshua Kushner’s Friendship Led Them to the Lakers
–– Aww, meet-cute of gutless media exec, crooked venture capitalist.
Florida attorney general threatens charges after Cunningham is fouled in WNBA game
–– State a spoof of a parody of a cartoon.
Quote of the day by computer scientist Geoffrey Hinton on AI: 'It is hard to see how you can prevent the ba...
–– ‘…it like this.’ Post doesn’t even contain rest of quote.
AI can design new viruses. That’s not as scary as it sounds.
–– When you’re not in ICU.
This Dutch Painting Showed a 17th-Century Drinking Game Until Someone Smudged Out a Player, Spoiling the Fun. A Museum Just Restored the Imbibing Soldier
–– By appropriately named Pieter de Hooch.
10,033 tiny clay cats reenact the Civil War at a Gettysburg museum
–– How close is that to state asylum.
My Stepson’s Hateful Views Are Damaging My Business. What Should I Do?
–– Disown and operate.
I treat brain fog. Here are 6 surprising causes many people overlook.
–– 4. Often occurs when you imagine self in London.
I Wore Shorts to Work. Maybe You Should Too.
–– Not if we look anything like you.
Think It’s Cool to Wear Fancy Sneakers to Work? You Might Be Old.
–– How about you get one up your butt, sonny?
This Is the Most Dangerous Bathing Suit Color to Wear While Swimming—And It’s Probably Not the One You’re Thinking
–– We're thinking blood red.
They Wanted Two Bedrooms in Manhattan. What Would $600,000 Buy?
–– A closet and fire escape.
Happy Hour With the Vanishing Nuns of New York
–– Two Old-Fashioneds and they disappear under table.
We Talked To An Owner Of One Of Those Christian Men-Only Gyms That Are Going Viral
–– Where they do push-ups on each other
This Cruise Ship Captain Has Spent 47 Years at Sea. Here’s His Best Advice for Travelers.
––– Find ship with younger captain.
My Favorite College Haunt Is A 95-Year-Old Restaurant Where Breakfast Starts At 4 A.M.
–– Food looks fine but does Bama qualify as institution of higher learning?
How Our Veggie Writer Plans Meals for a Week
–– Plant ahead?
The 24-Hour Diner Is Disappearing — but It’s Not Dead Yet
–– But we think that guy in the back booth is.
Taylor Farms recalls jalapeño products due to salmonella risk
–– In case diarrhea wasn’t explosive enough.
FDA travels to Mexico a month after linking Taylor Farms to cyclospora outbreak
–– Waited until bathrooms thoroughly cleaned.
Quote Of The Day By Marco Pierre White: 'Let's Be Brutally Honest: We Go Out To Dinner To Be With The People We...'
–– Owe money? Want to mock? Cannibalize?
We asked a Pest Pro for His Go-To Method to Naturally Repel Mice––And It’s So Easy
–– XO Khloé.
This National Park Will Let You Spend the Night in a 200-Year-Old Lockhouse
–– Would rather on a key.
Captain charged after boat capsizes near Statue of Liberty, killing woman and baby
–– Ice cap.
Should Letting Children Play Alone Outside Be a Crime?
–– Only when on plane.
Kids keep getting hurt and killed on e-bikes. Should parents be held responsible?
–– Or should lazy kids just be encouraged to pedal?
Mangione admits to shooting insurance CEO, pleads guilty to federal charges
–– State needs to chuck Mangione.
What this officer said to a suicidal man to talk him off a bridge’s edge
–– Lied he’d give him million bucks.
Flock Safety announces major changes after backlash to its license plate reader cameras
–– Flock of see gulls.
Jackie, beloved Big Bear bald eagle watched by millions, dies
–– Of overexposure.
Wolves were the poster child for the ‘alpha male’ concept – until researchers realised they’d got it wrong
–– Pussy-whipped by she-wolves.
It's called a chicken, sounds like a chicken, tastes like a chicken and raises its young like a chicken – but it definitely isn't a chicken…
–– Appropriately tastes like frog.
Why the Slugburger Might Be America’s Most Underrated Burger
–– For best possible reason.
Schlitz Beer, an Iconic Midwestern Pour, Runs Dry in Chicago After 177 Years. Its Legacy, However, Goes Far Beyond the Pint Glass
–– We don’t give two Schlitz.
“What is that?" Researchers put a camera on a nurse shark in Florida. They didn't expect it to film this
–– Patient whale.
How Colorado became the unlikely epicenter of American yak ranching
–– You were expecting Yakima, WA?
It was the size of a car and had claws bigger than your arm – and no other creature like it has ever been found
–– So you made it up?
How Heinrich Schliemann Rediscovered Troy—and Then Destroyed It
–– Troy as he might.
Archaeologists in England Preparing for Road Construction Unearthed a Roman-Era Fingernail Cleaner With a Handle Shaped Like a Penis
–– And smegma scraper shaped like fingernail.
Ancient Egyptians Believed Baboons Were Connected to the Moon, Scientists Say They Were Right.
–– Besides rhyming?
Belgian student strikes gold worth €9m while digging a new sewer
–– Now flush.
This is the ZIP code with the hottest housing market in the country now
–– 99204 in Spokane WA?
Tropical Storm Lala tracker: Hurricane warning issued for Hawaii's Big Island as storm closes in
–– With that name, it’s gonna be tough to get evacuations.
Record low Danube levels reveal sunken World War Two warship wrecks
–– Blew Danube.
William Orbit, Grammy-Winning Producer for Madonna and Blur, Dies at 69
–– Out of Orbit.
Mark Rydell, ‘On Golden Pond’ and ‘The Rose’ Director, Dies at 97
–– Rose and fell.
