Failing Midterms
Week of 10/23/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump approval hits record low, handing Democrats a clear midterm edge
–– 33%: his original turd.
JD Vance’s family no longer allowed to say ‘M-word’
–– But boss is moron.
On the Campaign Trail, Trump Tries to Outrun a Bad Week in Washington
–– He couldn’t outrun a bad snail in garden.
Trump says he could still go after Clintons, Obama to ‘destroy their reputations’
–– Words you want carved on your Presidential Library.
Former Trump aide warns potential Susie Wiles replacement is ‘a terrifying prospect’
–– Wiles away the time.
Ahead of elections, Bessent says a Democrat-led Congress could do little to stop Trump agenda
–– Why don’t we just test that out?
Millions of Amazon settlement checks credit Trump ahead of the midterms
–– Prime rip.
Pentagon grants DHS permission to test heat ray weapon for potential use at border
–– Really embracing super-villain role.
Pete Hegseth’s staff break priceless historic globe he requested for office
–– For morons who don’t know meaning of word metaphor, they’re pretty good at creating perfect one.
Ty Cobb on judge ordering Trump to sit for deposition in $10B media laws
–– Just try keeping him awake.
Justice Dept. Opens Inquiry Into Corey Lewandowski
–– Should be open and slut case.
Trump says he called Google’s CEO to discuss renaming Atlantic Ocean
–– Only if used in headline, ‘President’s plane goes down in American Ocean.’
In defense of Kimberly Guilfoyle
–– Like alibiing tooth decay.
Kimberly Guilfoyle’s Greek Exile Blamed On Abusive Texts She Allegedly Sent About Don Jr.’s Wife
–– Only in MAGA World is Greece considered 'exile.'
Iron Maiden's Nicko McBrain Rejected an Invite to Golf With Trump, Says He Should Be 'Put in Jail': 'I'm Not Amused by the Narcissism'
–– No-McBrainer..
Leavitt on Zacharia’s rapid exit: ‘The job obviously was not for her’
–– Takes special kind of monster.
Venezuelan family scored a Trump pardon after giving $50M job to his ex-attorney Alina Habba: report
–– This week in 'Habba Dabba Doo.'
US ban on switchblades is unconstitutional, appeals court rules
–– Louisiana judge shivs ban.
Meghan McCain Wants Republicans to Stop Spotlighting Women With ‘Botched Plastic Surgery’ Following Susan Dell Criticism
–– How about blown brain transplants?
MAHA adviser who introduced RFK Jr. to Trump quits admin amid frustrations over food policy
–– Couldn't hash out differences.
Trump supporters confronted with painful gas prices deliver striking response: ‘I'll take that any day’
–– ‘That and a cattle prod up m’ tooter.’
Ohio governor’s race in uproar over ad featuring Democrat’s estranged mother
–– Sounds Ramaswampy.
JD Vance’s ‘stop whining’ defense of Ramaswamy’s ad epitomizes his Machiavellian politics
–– We don't need $10 word for 'dirty.'
Trump told Ramaswamy to thank God for ad featuring opponent Acton’s estranged mother
–– His God, Lucifer.
El-Sayed’s alleged ties to Muslim Brotherhood shake up Michigan Senate race
–– Whose Sayed is he on?
New York City Passes Horse Carriage Ban, Ending a Central Park Tradition
–– Opponents giddy, yup?
Rubio heads to Central Asia as some wonder if he's keeping the most pressing matters as a distance
–– Ones he totally f**ked up?
Zelenskyy says Ukraine got no early warning from partners as Russia hits the power grid again
–– Asked, 'Why Y, Y?!'
SpaceX throttled Starlink in Ukraine. Neither Trump nor Elon Musk wants to own the decision.
–– Because it was Putin’s.
Trump Called Musk and Asked Him to Lift Ukraine Starlink Restrictions
–– Putin had met bombing quota.
Johnson says he warned White House of ‘unintended consequences’ from Russia sanctions waiver
–– Put his size 2 foot down?
Trump Endorses Netanyahu as Best U.S. Partner in Tight Israeli Election
–– Hoping it has same negative effect as on US candidates.
France’s Macron vows to hold accountable those who ‘sought to bring down the Republic’ during major protests
–– Paris when it sizzles.
Macron slams as ‘stupid’ claims by Trump and others blaming Muslim migrants for French riots
–– They were just ecstatic bystanders?
France moves to impose curfews as it reels from worst violence in years
–– Will slap limits on Gauloises and cris de coeur.
France is rioting over surging inflation, skyrocketing national debt, and crumbling schools. America is its sleeping twin
–– That doesn't give merde about education or debt.
Elon Musk says he’ll give a SpaceX share to every American child
–– Kids love watching things explode.
Christiane Amanpour to Exit CNN in June After 43 Years
–– Wolf Blitzer has dibs on office, Longest Continuous Employee sash.
AI Just Found a Bug That Puts Up to 70% of the World’s Websites at Risk
–– Cyber house rules.
From Kenya to Japan, Rush to Fix Security Flaw Takes Sites Briefly Offline
–– Remember when thieves had to get off fat asses and risk getting shot to steal your money?
Meta ordered to pay $25 billion in New Mexico case over Cambridge Analytica scandal
–– Data's gotta hurt.
The biggest wealth giveaway in modern history aims to transform the world
–– Which will still hate you, AI, data centers.
Apple’s Foldable iPhone Duo Is the Most Exciting Phone in Years. And It Lives Up to the Hype.
–– Is it Duo leaper?
Netflix Stock Deflates to Two-Year Low. What Will It Take to Revive Revenue Growth?
–– Stranger things?
Dan Lin Was Fired for Being Dan Lin
–– That's the bottom Lin.
Republican leader embarrassed by Ali G film says he plans to sue Sacha Baron Cohen: ‘A liar and a pervert’
–– Claims a dupe and a degenerate.
Larry David Mocks the D.S.A. Some Are Not Amused.
–– We thought it was ‘pretty, pretty, pretty good.’
Nathan Fielder Says Elizabeth Holmes Called Him From Prison Right Before ‘You Can See Everything’ Release to Tell Him Repeatedly: ‘I Trust You’
–– Demonstrating again her terrible judgment.
Nicole Kidman Reportedly ‘Putting on a Brave Face’ With Keith Urban After Report She Had Her ‘Hackles Up’ Over His ‘Chemistry’ With JLo
–– She keeps it on her bedside table.
‘Roseanne’ Star John Goodman Reveals Unexpected Downside of Losing 200 pounds
–– Is he talking about when she quit show?
'Wicker' Is Less Explicit Than You May Be Expecting: “This Is a Movie to Watch With Your Mom”
–– And that is just knot in his pocket.
James Bond Final Screen Tests Are Happening This Week
–– Would that they chose Presidents with this much care.
Paul Mescal and Daisy Edgar-Jones Support ‘Normal People’ Author Sally Rooney After U.K. Book Ban: She’s a ‘Writer, Not a Terrorist’
–– And kind of an idiot.
Trisha Yearwood, 62, stuns on red carpet amid weight loss journey
–– Reporters didn’t know she was carrying taser.
Kristen Bell cries weekly navigating 'brutal' marriage and parenting challenges
–– How could Dax Shepard not have her weeping daily?
Nathan Lane details Robin Williams being star-struck by Clint Eastwood on the set of The Birdcage
–– Any which way but lucid.
Donny Osmond Says Elvis Presley Used to Call His House Looking for His Mother, Olive
–– Olive was for his fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.
New book sheds light on why Marilyn Monroe was attracted to JFK
–– Reveals what F really stood for.
Martha Stewart says people need to get it through their ‘thick skulls’ that there’s ‘no such thing as balance’—even at 85 she starts work at 7 a.m.
–– Yep, non-compulsive, not greedy folks who aren't addicted to love of strangers are the weirdos.
TikTok “Permanently Suspends” the ‘Musk’ Film Account, Raising Suppression Fears
–– Sick-Sock for Dick-Doc?
‘You Can See Everything’ becomes one of the biggest documentary releases in decades
–– Hits Holmes run?
Donald Trump says LeBron James’ movements during national anthem ‘disrespects our country’
–– Trump’s flapping jaw creates far deeper shame.
A new $724 million museum is a visually stunning train wreck
–– Lacma intolerant.
She slept with my husband, then she slept with theirs. Do I tell?
–– Um, uh, exactly what?
How To Increase Blood Flow to the Penis Naturally
–– Are you dissing our ‘devices’?
Scientists May Have Accidentally Found a Way to Reverse Hair Loss Without Drugs
–– While spray painting van black.
Scientists Found a Surprising Link Between Intelligence and How Attractive You Think You Are
–– Of course stupid think they’re hotter –– look in White House.
One in Four Cases of Depression Could Be Caused by a Dysregulated Body Clock, Study Says
–– Other three by nonsense theories like this.
How an Orthodox Jewish scholar found an unexpected home among the Amish
–– Found them hamish?
I Dove Into The Depths Of Amazon To Find These 44 Underrated Products Just For You
–– We hope you contracted Leptospirosis.
Cottage cheese is having a moment, deservedly
–– Meanwhile white bread 's rocking our world.
It’s Sliced Cheese on Bread. And It’s Rocking Copenhagen’s World.
–– Do you serve with Danish?
In-N-Out’s billionaire heiress says she stood in line for 2 hours to land a job at her own store when she was just a teenager to shake the ‘stigma of being the owner’s kid’ and ‘earn respect’
–– Now she can just buy it.
Ford Maverick Owners Report Trucks Randomly Starting With No Driver Inside
–– Talk about striking out on own path.
Vietnamese man to be deported after being caught working at nail salon
–– File under ’file.’
Priest Dies After Crucifix Falls on Him During Livestreamed Mass
–– It cannot be confirmed if Damian of The Omen was in attendance.
M.I.T. Scientist Wins $6 Million in Sexual Harassment Defamation Suit
–– Make that Not Sexual Harassment suit.
Man’s inability to control himself over his new kitten’s cuteness is beyond relatable
–– Is ‘nauseating’ on far side of ‘relatable?’
In Its Forever War on Rats, New York Enlists a Killing Machine
–– Rodent the Barbarain.
Lost to Science for 89 Years, a Venomous Primate Has Been Sneaking Into People’s Homes and Gardens
–– Only better ones.
Archaeologists Searching for Evidence of a Norse Church in Greenland Have Found ‘the Smoking Gun’ Near Erik the Red’s Settlement
–– Not smoking axe?
Aspiring Archaeologist Shares the ‘Haunting’ Thought She’s Often Left with After Unearthing 3,000-Year-Old Artifacts
–– Carbon is only dating I do.
United Nations report highlights significant increase in U.S. climate pollution
–– Most intensely over Washington, DC.
John Anderson, Country Hall of Famer Whose Hits Included ‘Seminole Wind’ and ‘Swingin’,’ Dies at 71
–– Swingin' low.
Michigan native Tom Skerritt, 'Alien' and 'Top Gun' star, dies at 93
––
Skerritt to death.
