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Revenge of the Nard
Week of 11/25/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of the film The Usual Suspects with Representatives Ilhan Omar, Erik Swalwell and Adam Schiff standing in a police lineup as potential Republican Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy  angrily exclaims 'These monsters stole the election!' under the title The Delusional Suspects.Kevin McCarthy wants to block three Democrats from committees if he becomes House speaker
–– Qualified as block head.

Is Donald Trump Ineligible to Be President?
–– Or Homo Sapien?

Adam Schiff slams Kevin McCarthy after he promises to remove 3 prominent Dems from their committees: 'He will do whatever Marjorie Taylor Greene wants him to do'
–– ‘She’s his Edgar Bergen, in a reference I hope shows how in touch with the young people our party leadership is.’

Hakeem Jeffries says he hasn’t spoken ‘recently’ with Kevin McCarthy
–– Or decently.

New York Times: Former evangelical activist claims he knew of 2014 Supreme Court decision before it was released
–– Gabriel came down, whispered to him.

Justice Samuel Alito Leaked Hobby Lobby Decision On Contraception In 2014: Report
–– Like slobby knobby.

Kari Lake Claims Her Voters Were Disenfranchised. Her Voters Tell a Different Story.
–– Because they have no idea what word means.

Sarah Palin mercilessly mocked on Twitter after Alaska election loss to Mary Peltola: ‘I can see her defeat from my house’
–– And that from Putin.

George Conway Has Dire Prediction About Republican 'Looney-Bin Caucus'
–– As he continues longest public passive-aggressive spousal spat in history.

Mike Pompeo’ Names 'The Most Dangerous Person In The World' And It's A Surprise
–– Is ‘surprise' synonym for ‘completely insane?’

Schumer proposes Dem leadership shake-up
–– He does remember he’s Senate Majority Leader, right?

In crises, officials tweet crucial info. What if Twitter dies?
–– Gee, guess they’ll have to go back to smoke signals.

Elon Musk Reinstates Trump’s Twitter Account
–– Please let it die.

Opinion Trump won’t magically disappear. Republicans will have to purge him.
–– Maybe if they mix enough prune juice with Kool-aid.

Eric Trump claims draft-dodging father ‘fought for this country’ and compares him to Tom Brady
–– More like James Brady, after bullet.

Trump Had Losses of $900 Million in Two Years, Jury Told
— Debt beat dud.

Mike Pence Is Asked If Trump Is A 'Good Man' And His Swerving Answer Says It All
–– Who's skidding who?

‘F---ing nightmare’: Trump team does damage control after he dines with Ye and white supremacist Nick Fuentes
–– Ye clods.

Opinion If Sharpton is a ‘Loudmouth,’ Trump is so much worse
–– Can we remove ‘If’?

Trump is sued again by writer for defamation, and battery, over alleged rape
–– Predator 2.

This Week, Billionaires Made a Strong Case for Abolishing Themselves
–– Before or after you eat them?

Mike Lindell says ‘God willing,’ he will challenge Ronna McDaniel for RNC chair
–– Duh, do Ronna, Ronna?

Mayor Adams says "economic tsunami" is coming for New York City
–– Do-nothing mayor will be body-surfing.

Opinion D.C.’s downtown is comatose. Here’s how to revive it.
–– Are you talking to brain-dead city government?

Putin tells mothers of soldiers fighting in Ukraine he ‘shares’ their pain
–– ‘And it feels wonderful.’

Iranian advisers killed aiding Russians in Crimea, says Kyiv
–– Iran: the risk.

Moscow, Idaho, community on edge amid new report of man chasing women; Police deem claim 'unfounded'
–– Moscow, Russia, community on edge amid new report man chasing sick destiny.

Sunak’s Britain Is Starting to Have Second Thoughts About Brexit
–– Or 'actual thoughts' on subject?

Switzerland has a stunningly high rate of gun ownership — here's why it doesn't have mass shootings
–– Bullet made of chocolate.

Senate Panel to Hold Hearing on Concert Ticket Sales Following Taylor Swift Eras Tour Fiasco
–– Finally protecting rights of tone deaf.

Jay Leno Brings Cookies To Medics Who Treated Him For Third-Degree Burns
–– Ironically charred them.

Bob Dylan Gets Tangled Up in Book Autograph Controversy
–– It blew.

Bob Dylan’s teenage love letters sell for over $650,000 at auction
–– Tangled up in goo.

Roger Waters Drops Ominous New Version Of Pink Floyd Classic 'Comfortably Numb'
–– Feeling comfortably dumb.

Kanye West says he's selling Balenciaga, Adidas, and Gap hoodies for $20 after the companies all cut ties with him
–– You can find his van at LaCienega and Washington Blvd., just off I-10.

Quentin Tarantino says Marvel actors like Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth are not real movie stars: 'Captain America is the star. Thor is the star.'
–– Get terrible Q Score.

Simu Liu Slams Tarantino for Anti-Marvel Comments: Golden Age Was ‘White as Hell’
–- Which makes him comparable star to Bogart?

Why Quentin Tarantino's 'worst' film era comments are so offensive
–– To hacks currently working.

Jennifer Lopez Instagram Account Deletes All Posts, Other Social Channels Go Dark
–– J.lo profile.

9 details you might have missed in the latest episode of 'Yellowstone'
–– Because you’re old, drunk and can’t really handle remote.

Steven Spielberg's 21st Century Movies Ranked
–– All pretty rank.

Timothée Chalamet Goes Cruising, Jerks a Man Off in 'Bones and All'
–– Boners and all.

Ryan Reynolds Admits He Hasn't Prepared Much for Baby No. 4: 'I Should Sweep or Something'
–– His wife's bump?

Gabrielle Union's Plunging Striped Dress Is Giving Candy Cane
–– What, a bad name?

In Which Heidi Klum Wakes Up, Posts A Nip Slip On Instagram, Remains A Legend
–– Areola bore all us.

“Like Teenagers”: Cher Describes Her Relationship With New Beau
–– “What’s that? You like teenagers? But this guy’s 36. What, speak up? To you that is a teenager? And what? You need a bow? For your finger to remember his name?"

Daniel Craig Reveals Thanksgiving is Now His 'Favorite Holiday,' But Hates One Traditional Dish
–– Glass onions?

Gabrielle Union on Finally Getting Oscar Buzz for 'The Inspection': 'I Believe I Found My Superhero Origin Story'
–– More like joy buzzer.

’Gangnam Style’ Brought K-Pop to the World, but Haunted Its Creator
–– This week: Case of the One-Hit Wonder.

Why Cannibalism Is Suddenly Trendy on Screen
–– Exhibitors hopes it drives moviegoers to concession stands.

Bob Chapek’s tenure marked by political missteps inside and outside of Disney
–– Chapek quit ick bridge.

Todd Chrisley Sentenced to 12 Years in Prison for Tax Evasion, Wife Julie Sentenced to 7 Years
–– And awarded 5 years without creep husband.

Tragic Film Reel Fire Could Result in 4-Year Prison Sentence for Annecy Festival's Ex-Artistic Director Charged With Involuntary Manslaughter
–– In film flame scheme.

Queen Camilla Wears Queen Elizabeth's Sapphire Tiara for First State Banquet of King Charles' Reign
–– Was able to snatch right before they closed coffin.

Qatar Makes World Cup History As It’s Knocked Out— Dashing Winning Hopes As Controversies Mount
–– Now that's considerate host.

Qatar World Cup: The 3 Items Of Clothing Stirring Controversy
–– 2. Qatar 2022 World Champs tees.

Goal! 22 of Hollywood’s Best Soccer Movies
–– 22?! There haven’t been 10 decent sports movies.

How Colleges and Sports-Betting Companies ‘Caesarized’ Campus Life
–– Vig Man on Campus.

Kyrie Irving Rejoins Nets, Apologizes for Hurt His Actions Caused
–– To his bank account.

Kyrie Irving with a buzzer beater vs the Philadelphia 76ers
–– Real blitzkrieg.

Colorado’s attorney general says the state has too many mass shootings
–– Asked how many would be optimal.

Colorado Springs Massacre Suspect Had Tried to Erase His Dad’s Dark Past
–– Clean slate for own far darker one.

Walmart suspect Andre Bing was longtime employee who was 'a little off'
–– ‘A little'? He was whole 90% door-buster closeout sale off.

Fentanyl-laced pills led to fatal overdose in Georgia, feds say. Dealer gets prison
–– Not posting on Death Row?

Judge proposes Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes serve her 11-year sentence in a 'minimum-security' Texas prison camp
–– With weekly blood-drawing privileges.

‘It scares me': Man calls police on 9-year-old Black girl while she sprayed lanternflies
–– Quoting lanternfly?

Opinion California greenlights jaywalking. It’s a step in the right direction.
–– Towards population reduction.

How Do You Tell a Vandal From a Visitor? Art Museums Are Struggling.
–– Asshole detectors?

Daylight Saving Time sheds light on lack of sleep’s disproportionate impact in communities of color
–– Which is particularly hard to see after 5pm.

Apple has a huge problem with its supplier’s iPhone factory in China
–– Sum dim management.

Airport staff find cat trapped in suitcase
–– Not allowed one purr bag?

The world's skinniest skyscraper is now complete — and its interiors are remarkable
–– Exclusively for richest pencil-necked geeks.

Should You Let Artificial Intelligence Plan Your Thanksgiving Dinner?
–– Is that how you refer to mom when she’s zonked on pills?

Al Roker misses Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, but is on the mend
–– Was still Grins That Stole Christmas.

Mariah Carey’s twins were the stars of her Thanksgiving Day parade appearance
–– She exposed fake boobs?

See Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg Dance in the Kitchen While Prepping Their Turkey
–– Which they surprisingly vaxxed.

Thanksgiving used to be a movie feast. This year? Slim pickings
–– Turkey roles without dressing.

Single mom pleads with parents to include sons in Thanksgiving prep
–– And stuff him.

Don’t serve disordered eating to your teens this holiday season
–– Save pumpkin pie for after turkey. Then have them vomit.

I dined at Denny's and IHOP to see which was better, and the cheaper breakfast chain gave the pancake house a run for its money
–– To the bathroom.

Beyond Meat Is Struggling, and the Plant-Based Meat Industry Worries
–– Can’t beat the meat?

Neanderthals cooked meals with pulses 70,000 years ago
–– Live humans?

If Neanderthals had survived, this is what the world might look like now
–– Florida?

As Dinosaur Fossils Fetch Millions, There’s Many a Bone to Pick
–– With editor who wrote this ribbing head.

Archaeologists uncover Egyptian mummies with golden tongues
–– Theorize it was to French kiss Osiris in Afterlife.

The clitoris has 10,000 nerve endings. Here's why experts say the discovery is 'just the beginning' for sexual health
–– Researchers on the button.

Honeypot Ants Get Stuffed With Nectar, Becoming Grape-Sized Living Storage Orbs
–– That resemble cartoon bears.

Brain expert: The No. 1 thing that sets 'SuperAgers' apart from people with 'weak memory skills'
–– “Is…is…wait, give me a second…’

I'm An Exposure Therapist. Here's How I Confront Patients With Their Worst Fears.
–– You can’t imagine how many flashers I got to relax and just let it flap in breeze.

A micro-thin smart bandage can quickly heal and monitor wounds
–– And digitally yank off scabs when removed.

My dentist gave me three front teeth for a 'pretty look'
–– Bucks trend.

The Royal Game of Ur: How to Play the Oldest Board Game on Record
–– Ur, no.

The Earth now weighs 6 ronnagrams. What does that mean?
–– We get ronnagram once when RNC Chairwoman showed up at door unannounced, singing.

Give a round of app-paws for the 3 new breeds in the National Dog Show
–– Excuse us, NPR, while we fwow up.

See the first French Bulldog win the National Dog Show
–– And smoke Gauloises after finishing.

Colosseum bones reveal sausage dogs were a star Roman attraction
–– Known as bratiators.

Archeologists Unearth Ancient Roman Snacks Of Colosseum Spectators
–– Petrified crusts from Little Caesars.

Woman Booed and Mobbed After Climbing and Dancing on Top of Mayan Pyramid
–– Her sacrifice will tear your heart out.

Can A Chimp Be Raised Human? One Family Parented A Chimp To Find Out
–– Couldn’t just ask Tarzan?

Chimpanzee cheer: Video of reunion between endangered mother and baby goes viral
–– Chimp off the old block.

Record trout caught in Colorado for 3rd time this year: 'Really special fish'
–– Glad it keeps escaping.

Fisherman catches 67-pound goldfish
–– Seeking 5000-gallon bowl.

Rare Brain-Eating Amoeba Appears To Be Spreading Further Around The US
–– Y'think?

U.N. Climate Talks End With a Deal to Pay Poor Nations for Damage
–– In Green Stamps.

Fauci Criticizes ‘Tireless’ Vaccine Misinfo Spreaders, Plans To Testify Before GOP House
–– They use mix of meth, stupid pills.

Vaccinated people now make up a majority of covid deaths
–– In further redefinition of 'vaccine.'

Omicron boosters probably aren't very effective against mild Covid illness, but will likely prevent hospitalizations, experts say
–– Jabber, jabber.

Stanford professor who challenged lockdowns and 'scientific clerisy' declares academic freedom ‘dead'
–– Did he use Clerisil?

Wilko Johnson, Dr. Feelgood Musician and ‘Game of Thrones’ Actor, Dies at 75
–– Signals 'Wilco' to Grim Reaper.

Jason David Frank, Power Rangers actor, dies at 49
–– Powers down.

John Y. Brown Jr., KFC Mogul and Kentucky Governor, Dies at 88
–– Finger-lickin’ dead.