Knackered and Afraid
Week of 04/11/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump says he decided on 90-day tariff pause because people were 'yippy' and 'afraid'
–– And ass was sore from kissing.
Who would win in a China-US trade war?
–– Like Bruce Lee vs. Dracula?
Hill Republicans worry about Trump’s tariffs and nudge him to negotiate
–– With their lips from behind.
China Caps Tariffs on US at 125%, Calls Trump Levies a ‘Joke’
–– Resent levyty.
Trump called a cabinet meeting after walking back his tariff plans. It might as well have been held in Moscow
–– Even Putin would’ve been embarrassed.
White House explains Trump's raise in tariffs on China, 90-day pause on others
–– Apparently speaking in tongues.
Trump: ‘We’d Go Back’ if Countries Fail to Reach Tariff Deals
–– Already half way to Stone Age.
Michigan Democratic Gov. Whitmer strays from her party in moving closer to Trump
–– Whitless.
U.S. Bond Sell-Off is Another Worrisome Echo of the Liz Truss Fiasco
–– Truss buster.
Democratic senators call for probe into possible insider trading over Trump tariff reversal
–– By who? His personal police force?
Musk Calls For ‘Zero Tariff Situation’ Between U.S. And Europe, Slams Trump Advisor
–– Fee fie fo' bum.
‘Truly a moron’: Elon Musk escalates spat with Trump adviser Peter Navarro over tariffs
–– 'Like listening to me on governmental waste!'
Kevin O'Leary says US has to train China 'like a puppy'
–– Someone has to train him not to be Navarro.
Cracks are beginning to show in the Musk and Trump partnership after Tesla CEO reportedly appealed to White House on tariffs
–– Ass cracks.
Bill Ackman warns Trump to call a timeout on trade war: ‘This is not what we voted for’
–– More ackrimony.
Jamie Dimon concerned Trump tariffs will leave the U.S. out in the cold: ‘America First is fine, as long as it doesn’t end up being America alone’
–– America First is sheer idiocy.
After tariffs, French business lobby says it got it wrong on Trump
–– C'est dommage, suckers.
Too many people stay in their lane, JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon says: ‘That is a bureaucratic, stupid direction’
–– He prefers when plutocrats can run over poor people at DOGE.
Musk’s DOGE reportedly deploys AI to monitor federal workers for anti-Trump sentiment: ‘The willingness to skirt laws is brazen’
–– AI to enforce anti-slacks laws for women.
Elon Musk lowers DOGE's projected savings from $1 trillion to $150 billion
–– Trump, ‘150 is way BIGGER than 1!’
–– 'He has that certain sociopathy I can't resist.'
Maybe We’re Just Not Good at Thinking Anymore
–– Y’think?
Trump administration files emergency stay against order to return man who was mistakenly deported
–– Instead invites prison officials to beat to death.
States caught unprepared for Trump’s threats to FEMA
–– Expect no disaster relief.
Social Security Administration backs off plan to cut phone service
–– Oldsters demand return of Pony Express.
HHS, EPA to study fluoride in drinking water as RFK Jr. says he’ll tell CDC to stop recommending it
–– Assigns Gen. Jack D. Ripper to ramrod team.
–– Vitamin A-hole.
Five More Big Law Firms Reach Deals With Trump
–– Pro boner deals.
Lawyers Finally Strike Back Against Trump Revenge With Blockbuster Suit
–– Sue-y for biggest pig.
Trump Wants to Rewrite History at the Smithsonian. It’ll Be an Uphill Battle
–– He can’t write.
Hegseth says China's military presence in Western Hemisphere is 'too large'
–– And he can count 'all the way to 1,000 by myself.'
Trump accidentally phoned former official HR McMaster – then abused him when he realized who was on the line, report says
–– While abusing self.
Sen. Tommy Tuberville Says 'Woke Globalists' Are ‘Pushing Kids’ To Become Transgender Athletes In Women’s Sports
–– Any dumber, he'd need to be trained to swallow own spit.
DeSantis’ Hope Florida scrutiny deepens amid new revelations on $10M payment
–– Drain the Everglades!
John Fetterman: This Drug Helped Me Feel Like Myself Again. I Want This for Millions of Fellow Americans.
–– Millions of Americans: ‘We don’t want to feel like you.’
Ukraine war briefing: Ukraine could be partitioned like Berlin after second world war, says US envoy
–– And Mexicans will pay for wall!
Zelensky hits US embassy over ‘surprisingly disappointing’ response to Russian strike
–– Texts, 'Really? 😔'
Reading the tree leaves: Why a no-show by China’s No.2 general has speculation running wild
–– Did he end up in wood chipper?
See how China responded to Vance’s ‘Chinese peasants’ comment
–– Marched on US Embassy with pitchforks, torches.
Marco Rubio Basically Admitted Why the Trump Administration Arrested Columbia Student Mahmoud Khalil
–– There had been some question?
Judge rules university student Mahmoud Khalil eligible for deportation
–– With low grades for deportment.
U.S. ‘alarmed’ after American lecturer charged with insulting Thai monarchy
–– Own medicine tastes funny?
South Korea’s ousted Yoon moves back to apartment with 11 pets and security personnel
–– Dogwalker banned in crackdown.
Taliban morality enforcers arrest men for having the wrong hairstyle or skipping mosque, UN says
–– Overseen by Osama bin Sassoon.
Germany Is Falling Apart (Literally). Here’s How the New Government Might Fix It.
–– Are they missing Marks?
Washington Post columnist trashes colleagues, says editor robbed him of his humanity in memoir: report
–– Kept humanity in back pocket with phone.
Melania Skips Tiffanys Baby Shower: Wasn’t ‘Any Reason ‘ to Go
–– Had already seen Rosemary’s Baby.
Joe Rogan Scolded by Own Guest for Pushing Conspiracy Theories
–– Rogan accused him of being ET.
’White Lotus’ Creator Mike White Defends Season 3 After Viewers Call It Too Slow: ‘I’m Edging You! If You Don’t Want to Be Edged… Get the F— Out of My Bed’
–– Cum on!
’SNL’ Cuts Audience Swears During Ego Nwodim’s ‘Weekend Update’ Bit
–– Even though it was kinda ’s**t.’
‘It makes me a bit sad’: ‘White Lotus’ star Aimee Lou Wood doesn’t love all the talk about her teeth
–– Aw, buck up.
I Need Aimee Lou Wood’s Leopard-Print Sunglasses in ‘The White Lotus’
–– You obviously need something.
Bill Maher Praises President Trump as ‘Gracious’ and ‘Not Fake’ Recounting His White House Visit: ‘Everything I’ve Ever Not Liked About Him Was Absent’
–– Which makes him less of sociopath?
Chadwick Boseman 'Freaked Out' Disney Execs on 'Black Panther' Set by Always Speaking as T'Challa; Ryan Coogler Told Them: 'He Don't Turn It Off Until We Wrap'
–– Wakanda excuse is that?
Joseph Quinn Spoke to Marvel About Johnny Storm and 'Where We Are Culturally': He Was 'This Womanizing Guy, but Is That Sexy These Days? I Don't Think So'
–– Now he’s Human Ember.
Bryce Dallas Howard 'Badly' Wants to Star in One of Her Dad Ron Howard's Movies, but He Has a Different Idea
–– Though he knows she'd star badly.
Bill Murray Says He ‘Doesn’t Go Too Many Days or Weeks’ Without Thinking About His Past On-Set Misconduct Allegations
–– Days or weeks when he’s asked about it for publication.
Longtime Friends Naomi Watts and Bill Murray on How Their Love of Dogs Led to New Movie
–– A dog!
Beyoncé’s Game-Changing Hair Care Brand Cécred Is Bringing Mini Salons and More to Ulta Beauty Stores
–– Sacred? Secret? Suck cred? Sack crud?
We Tried the Nipple Cream Hack ‘White Lotus’ Star Carrie Coon Swears By—and Loved It
–– Now our lips get hard when we go braless.
Sarah Jessica Parker’s Twin Daughters Share Her Tas te in Shoes
–– She likes mules with mole sauce.
Kendall Jenner Offers a Subtle Rebuke of Butter Yellow
–– Flashes middle finger while pretending to scratch cheek.
Harry Styles Teases the Breakout Sneakers of the Summer
–– Mercilessly.
Bella Thorne Accuses Former Co-Star Mickey Rourke of Injuring Her Genitals on Set: “I Had Bruises on My Pelvic Bone”
–– On ground floor.
Whoopi Goldberg wants you to 'go to a bar' and 'smell the people' inside.
–– Not a taco bar.
Tori Spelling Reveals She Made a Sex Tape with Ex Dean McDermott — and Why She Wishes It Had Leaked
–– Which ‘it’?
Mick Jagger’s Fiancée Is Steel Wheels Years Old
–– But with Get Yer Ya-Ya's Out! years old soul.
HorsegiirL Is Half-Human, Half-Horse and a Full Musician. How She Went from the Farm to Coachella
–– Wanted to play with Hay and Oats?
James Toback Is Ordered to Pay $1.7 Billion in Sexual Assault Case
–– Back Toback losses.
Boat Race concerns as River Thames contains high levels of E. coli bacteria, study shows
–– Rowers flushed after exertions.
My Friend Won’t Speak to Me After I Blabbed About Her Secret Lover. Help!
–– Now I want to tell feds about her ponzi scheme!
I Had a Sex Dream About My Therapist. Was She Right to Be Upset?
–– It was on her couch!
Do You Know What Your Aura Colors Mean? A Deep Dive Into Reading Your Energy
–– That’s easy –– not a goddamn thing.
Their Ephemeral tattoos were meant to fade. But years later, some are still stuck with them.
–– While permanent markers eventually smeared!
That chronic pain is not all in your head, but the solution may not be in your body, expert says
–– Could be in pill box over here.
A Frenzy at Trader Joe’s: ‘Everyone’s Here for the Tote Bags’
–– Best tasting non-frozen item in store.
Quick Breakfast Ideas for Toddlers
–– Try to drum ‘eggy’ into dumb heads.
Cabot Butter Is Recalled Over Fecal Contamination Risk
–– Did speed up recipes that called for browning.
You Are Not Too Good to Eat at a Chain Restaurant
–– You belong at Applebee’s, loser.
Iconic restaurant announces shocking closure
–– Door on customer's wiener.
Rats ‘bigger than cats’ are roaming Britain’s second-biggest city as garbage collectors strike
–– And cooler than cats.
Our Gardener Wants to Avoid Taxes. Should We Pay Him in Cash?
-–– Cabbage? Lettuce? Kale?
Bye-Bye, Accent Walls! Designers Say THIS Is Now the Hottest Decorating Feature
–– Walls that speak perfect English.
Nearly 300 passengers stuck on planes overnight
–– Sucks for them, but 2.9 mil fly daily on US airlines.
Pilots Discussed Alternate Ways to Land Before Deadly Jeju Air Crash
–– Found novel approach.
Pilot in Hudson River Helicopter Crash Was Navy SEAL Veteran Who Dreamed of Flying, Wife Says
–– Hope he didn't nod off.
Menendez brothers’ bid for early release can continue, Los Angeles judge rules
–– Just so long as it ends in agonizing denial.
Police Seek Man Who They Say Violated a Corpse on an R Train
–– Where does he get off?!
American man on Bahamas family vacation found dead after leaving dinner to get jacket: report
–– Ironically, bullet-proof one.
Nearly 200 cows disappeared. The case remains cold.
–– Udderly mysterious.
If You See This Creepy Fish, Cut Its Head Off
–– And send to worst enemy.
The deadliest parasites in the world: 10 terrifying creatures you will want to avoid
–– 9 by staying out of White House.
Have Dire Wolves, Which Went Extinct More Than 10,000 Years Ago, Really Been Brought Back to Life?
–– Our dire predictions.
This ‘Frog From Hell’ Had The Bite Of A Wolf And Likely Ate Dinosaurs — A Biologist Explains
–– Asinine claim.
In the 1970s, over 100 ancient rhinos were found entombed in Yellowstone ash – we finally know what happened
–– Got researchers on horn.
With a Jawbone, Scientists Expand the Ancient Range of a Mysterious Human Relative
–– By hitting opposing theorists on heads.
Neutrinos Are Shrinking, and That’s a Good Thing for Physics
–– Scientists credit Wegovy.
For the first time, astronomers watch a black hole 'wake up' in real-time
–– And wipe self.
Axed Vaccine Chief Reveals RFK Jr.’s Crackpot ‘Data’ Demands
–– Feared prick.
Second unvaccinated child dies of measles in Texas amid outbreak
–– On Retro Virus Day.
George Bell, Considered the Tallest Man in America, Dies at 67
–– Cut down to size.
Ted Kotcheff, Director of ‘First Blood’ and ‘Weekend at Bernie’s,’ Dies at 94
–– Corpse dragged around Hamptons before burial.
Clem Burke, Blondie Drummer, Dies at 70
–– Drummed out.
