Erection Fraud
Week of 09/04/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Supreme Court OKs Trump’s ballroom construction, but Roberts says project is ‘likely unlawful’
–– In latest slang for ‘definitely.’
Iran attacks US targets despite Trump threats
–– And complete obliteration of forces.
The multifaceted stupidity of Trump’s Canadian trade war
–– Like gerbil playing 3D chess.
‘Economic D-Day’ policy flops, as Trump and Bessent suffer another embarrassment
–– If, like, y’know, they were capable of shame.
’I Wouldn’t Call It a War’: Vance Plays Down Recent Iran Strikes
–– We wouldn’t call you a Vice President.
Rusty state of USS Abraham Lincoln after marathon deployment shocks observers
–– Metaphors keep sailing in.
Lutnick apologizes for asserting that there ‘haven’t been American deaths’ from the Iran war
–– 18 service people, nation’s reputation.
Airman’s ‘contemptuous’ words for Trump lead to high-stakes military charges
–– Imagine if he used stick 'n' stones?
Warsh's Jackson Hole encore may put Trump's inflation record under a microscope
–– He did what to Samuel L. twice?
The U.S. economy added 162,000 jobs in August, beating expectations
–– And credulity.
American Workers Have Slammed the Brakes on Switching Jobs
–– As economic Waymo heads for cliff.
Republicans fear Trump will keep super PAC money and not spend on the midterms
–– If bunch of dupes ever deserved getting bilked…
Millions of Dollars in Secret Spending Could Upend the 2026 Midterms
–– And DOJ utterly helpless to stop it.
US judge again blocks Postal Service's mail-in voting restrictions
–– Cites pledge, 'Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of political theft stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.'
Experts, lawyers puzzled over US-Venezuela oil deal, call for contract transparency
–– White House offers to write on acetate.
The U.S. Venezuela oil deal won't lower your gas prices. Here's what you need to know
–– It’s Trump deal so of course won’t work.
Tree removal at D.C. golf course not part of Trump’s redesign, officials say
–– Wood you believe them?
Trump says ‘nobody will’ build monuments for him once he’s gone
–– Will be entire industry around tearing them down.
ICE Skipped Basic Checks in Rush for Recruits, Whistle-Blower Says
–– Didn’t even get address of caves they crawled out of.
Judge declares Rubio’s speech-based student deportations violate the Constitution
–– As intended.
Judge Blocks Trump’s Second Try to Restrict Birthright Citizenship
–– Stephen Miller zips up fly for now.
Trump Moves to Strip Tax Exemption From Schools That Aid Minority Students
–– And extend to schools that aid white students who sue minority students.
One of the only women left in Trump’s Cabinet has mostly been doing damage control
–– While dusting Oval Office, cleaning up smashed objects.
Vance to El-Sayed: ‘Keep My Wife’s Name the Hell Out of Your Mouth’
–– Like whiter, even dumber Will Smith.
‘F**k you…hurry up and die’: Swing-seat Democratic House candidate’s deleted tweets show far-left record
–– Progressives do need to ban guns they keep shooting selves in foot with.
Hospitals say coming Trump administration rules are worse than GOP's Medicaid cuts
–– Make America Grave Again their motto.
Deported Milo Yiannopoulos says he is ‘ashamed’ of support for Trump
–– Milo Minderbender.
Democrats eye expanded Medicare coverage if they take U.S. House
–– Feel national debt's a bit anemic.
US House censures NC Rep. Chuck Edwards for inappropriate conduct, harassment
–– Out of Chuck-a-luck.
Joe Biden’s son, Hunter Biden, says he’s ‘48.5 percent gay’
–– We 98.5% don’t care.
Bessent Blames Ukraine for High Energy Prices
–– Offers to personally pump Putin.
Putin not looking to attack Nato territory, says Trump despite drone strike bid
–– Nice to be reminded he’s depot’s shill amongst all other sins.
Trump calls for NBC’s Kristen Welker to face ‘rebuke or punishment’ from the FCC
–– Hot air can be felt all the way to Moscow.
Israel Says It Cleared Tunnels to Strategic Hezbollah Fortress in Lebanon
–– At this point do they expect applause?
Tim Cook was the real genius at Apple — and the evidence will grow
–– Based on his strategy of polishing Trump’s?
Google unveils ‘Lake America’ for U.S. users
–– And should immediately jump in it.
Sam Altman: 'People hate data centers—right now, at least. People are pretty negative on AI’
–– Did he need Claude to tell him that?
Why the Hugging Face Hack Should Make You Worry More About A.I.
–– Which is attached to humankind's face like this.
Meta is testing robot arms inside data centers that could replace up to 80% of human workload
–– Fired will have more time to share.
Elon Tesla Begins Offering Rides in a Car Without a Steering Wheel
–– But with constant audio feed of Musk laughing maniacally.
Unmasked in Alex Gibney Documentary: “Insane a Person This Chaotic Has So Much Power”
–– Musk be joking?
Maria Bartiromo Out at Fox News, Fox Business
–– Can go Fox herself.
Tom Cruise Is Confident Paramount-Warner Bros. Will Release 30 Films a Year After Merger: ‘They’re Going to Deliver’
–– Yeah, garbage.
Mel Gibson Apologizes for Mocking Sign Language Interpreter as Backlash Grows: ‘Thoughtless Idiocy’ With ‘No Intended Maliciousness’
–– 'Thoughtless idiocy' is compelling defense in his case.
Robert Pattinson shares how he was ‘humiliated’ by the luxury car he bought while filming Twilight
–– This week in ‘Tell me about it!’
Ridley Scott’s Rep Slams Report That Director Blames Paul Mescal for “Gladiator 2”’s Disappointing Box Office
–– He actually had script, saw movie.
Ridley Scott Wants To ‘Help’ Alien After ‘Romulus’ Was Better Than His Films
–– Ripley's 'Believe it or Not.'
Ridley Scott’s Alien Pride Is Becoming The Franchise’s Biggest Detriment
–– He’s planning queer version with trans xenomorph?
Tom Hiddleston & Willem Dafoe’s Mount Everest Ascent Makes History in Tenzing Movie Poster
–– Does idiot think they actually climbed mountain?
Paul Schrader Doesn’t Need Your Permission
–– But he’s pissing on our front lawn.
Gal Gadot Criticizes DC Studios For How It Handled Wonder Woman, Henry Cavill’s Superman
–– Waiting for Gadot… to stop kvetching.
Despite spending years mocking his Green Lantern, Ryan Reynolds now says he would "totally" cameo in Lanterns: "I owe my entire career to that movie”
–– Only kind of green he respects.
Dave Bautista Shows Off Body Transformation to Play Kratos in ‘God of War’ Series: ‘Two More Months to Get to Where I Need to Be’
–– You mean with character analysis, backstory development, scene study? Oh, delts, abs.
14 Years Ago, Nicole Kidman Really Peed on Zac Efron for a Movie
–– Jellyfish who stung him paid to watch.
How Mark Wahlberg made a real-life mafia hitman’s son cry behind the scenes of 'By Any Means'
–– He's student of acting, deplored Mary Mark's technique.
Werner Herzog Teary as ‘Bucking Fastard’ Starring Rooney and Kate Mara as Sisters in Sync Lifts Off
–– The sheary tithead.
Tim Curry, Who Never Married, Once Shared an Unexpected and Hilarious Answer to Who the Love of His Life Was
–– Claimed he had taste for pork.
Ron Howard says Bette Davis patted him on the ass on the set of ‘skyward’
–– Couldn't explain why he had pants down.
Andrew Garfield wants a gay or bi Spider-Man, but who should play him?
–– Now that Clifton Webb's gone.
Nicolas Cage-led 'Spider-Noir' canceled after 1 season at Prime Video
–– Noir to be found.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus says there was a ‘ton’ of friction on the ‘Seinfeld’ set: ‘You’re gonna butt heads’
–– And thus, sponge-worthy?
’Fauda’ Creator Calls Mark Ruffalo a ‘Rare Combination’ of ‘Stupid’ and ‘Ignorant’ After His Viral Statement on Paramount: ‘Do You Understand What It Means, “Genocide”?’
–– Like Hulk’s ‘Stupid’, Bruce Banner ‘Ignorant.’
Tom Wolfe crowned the ‘Me Decade.’ Look how far narcissism has come.
–– It’s all growed up!
Tim Matheson says Henry Fonda took up needlepoint to quit smoking
–– Jabbed self in hand when he reached for pack.
How Anna Wintour’s Quest to Salvage John Galliano’s Legacy Was Thwarted
–– Dead of Wintour.
‘Star Trek’ Star Wil Wheaton Boycotts Harry Potter Series for Trans Rights
–– Wheaton chaff.
’Obsession' Breakout Inde Navarrette Just Landed Her Next Movie — And It's Set In A Waffle House
–– Cinematic equivalent of this.
Tyler Perry gives 81-year-old woman $43K to help save her home after burst pipe
–– Showered her with cash.
Busy Philipps Celebrates 6 Months Since Her Surgery to Remove a Brain Tumor
–– Thinks she’ll try performing again.
Longtime 'Wheel of Fortune' announcer Jim Thornton is suspended
–– D*I? H*R*SS*ENT? P*D*PHILIA?
Miley Cyrus Announces New Album ‘Bass Persuades,’ Sets Two Shows for Hollywood Bowl
–– With Big Mouth Billy Bass.
Beyoncé Is Selling a Wooden Box to Get Your Beekeeper Dreams Off the Ground For $948
–– In sting operation.
Rihanna and A$AP Rocky's daughter Rocki nabs her second magazine cover before her first birthday
–– But only because magazine industry’s in shitter.
Paul McCartney says feud with John Lennon before the Beatles broke up felt 'like sticking little daggers in me'
–– Maxwell’s silver daggers?
Katy Perry on her new concert film, splitting up with Orlando Bloom, and finding love with Justin Thoreau
–– Name three things we couldn’t care less about.
Randy Travis Announces First Album of Original Music in 18 Years: ‘It Feels Like a Home Run’
–– In Pee Wee B-Ball.
Art Garfunkel Reveals Why He Recorded 300 Takes of ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’
–– Simon hated him.
Kelly Osbourne Says Son Sidney Talks to Late Grandfather Ozzy Osbourne Every Day
–– Bites heads off toy bats in honor.
–– Who has food basket? Don't ask.
What if We Were All a Little More Like Yo-Yo Ma?
–– A lot more noodling on cello?
Tiger Woods’ DUI charge reduced in plea deal after ‘deterioration of proof,’ prosecutor says. But he can’t drive for 5 years
–– How about chip shots? Putting?
Tennis star Aryna Sabalenka stops US Open match because of overwhelming marijuana stench
–– After doobie fault?
Queen Elizabeth Carried The Wedding Present from Prince Philip With Her for 75 Years
–– Humiliation of him being husband.
’Deadliest Catch' Cameraman Forced to Leave Boat After Serious Infection at Sea: ‘I’ve Met My Match’
–– Should never sleep with mermaid.
Ex-Girlfriend of Thrice-Married Billionaire Sues Over ‘Broken Promises’
–– Of Father Time.
Nation’s largest school district bans AI in the classroom through 8th grade
–– Come up 4 grades shy.
The ‘Gen Z stare’ — and the decline of saying things out loud
–– Z as in Zombie.
Dentists Know You Hate Flossing. Try This Instead.
–– Have toad lick your gums.
The Burning Man Crowd Is Getting Old
–– Ashen.
Beware of this ‘miserable’ complication of long-term cannabis use
–– Just look in mirror.
Just one drink a day may increase the risk of dying from numerous cancers
–– Two drinks a day decreases risk of worrying about it.
The 10 P.M. Dinner Is a Spanish Tradition. Are People Giving It Up?
–– Should we play tapas?
This Is the No. 1 Beer in America, According to a New Report
–– Michelob Ultra? No. 1 because you want to quickly excrete from body.
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Chicken (Super-Savory Grated Tofu)
–– We were sure it was ground wet insulation.
Duane ‘Keffe D’ Davis Found Guilty in Murder of Tupac Shakur
–– Couldn't beat rap.
‘Utterly baffled’: the 17-year-old girl who struck out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig
–– Why we’re reading his.
This Olympian battled porn addiction for years. He now wants to help others suffering in silence
–– Silent except for low moans.
Dogs can tell when you’re happy, sad or frustrated, study shows
–– Happy to eat, sad to eat, frustrated to eat.
A Grizzly Carried Him 50 Feet and Started Eating Him. Then He Remembered the Tiny Knife in His Pocket.
–– So he cut off guy’s fingers so they’d be easier to digest.
Are rays just flattened sharks? No, say the experts at The Shark Trust, there's a bit more to it than that
–– Run over by Barracudas?
”Crash. Smash. Slam. My cabin was under siege. A colossal crab the size of a car tyre was pushing against my door"
–– So claw was like car ash tray?
Wild parrot rescued after getting stuck in San Francisco balcony
–– Was it trying to jump?
What Did Jurassic Forests Sound Like? Like This.
–– No, this.
Trump Wants More Data Centers; These States Will Have The Most In 5 Years
–– Along with smartest, least mutated children.
Trump govt mulls deal to give away part of Yosemite park
–– But only if lessee promises to 'totally despoil it.'
Jackie Glass, ‘Swift Justice’ Host, Dies at 70
–– Glass empty.
Gloria Steinem, Personification of the Women’s Movement, Dies at 92
–– Will Ms. her.
