A-Hole in One
Week of 07/25/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump told he’s mentioned ‘multiple times’ in Jeffrey Epstein files, report says
–– Testing adage 'there's no such thing as bad publicity.'
Trump's trip to Scotland: What to know
–– Scots are thrilled.
House ending session early as Republicans clash over Epstein vote
–– Sea level rise, war, collapse of democracy. Thank god they have priorities in order.
Johnson Retreats on Demand for Epstein Disclosures, Saying Trump Needs ‘Space’
–– We understand, we need to give him time to get over abuse… he inflicted.
Here’s What Trump Told Howard Stern in 2006 When Asked About His Minimum Sexual Age Limit
–– Basically, paragon of virtue wouldn’t solicit 12-year-old boys.
Trump says ‘left lunatics’ won’t be satisfied with Epstein grand jury testimony
–– Does he have more faith in his ‘right reprobates?’
Trump requests release of Epstein court documents but says ‘nothing will be enough for the troublemakers’
–– Especially damned truth.
Burchett says Bondi releasing Epstein grand jury files ‘will pretty much cover everything’
–– In birdshit.
Murdoch Tells Trump to Bring It on In Fight Over WSJ’s Epstein Story
–– Rupe-a-dupe.
Donald Trump’s yellow brick road doesn’t lead to Oz
–– Leads to two hookers on his bed in Moscow hotel.
Trump lawsuit against Washington Post journalist Bob Woodward dismissed
–– But only on technicality confirming it was pure bulls**t.
None of the attacks on Jerome Powell make any sense
–– Stated as though someone thought they did.
How a Fed tour sparked unexpected Trump praise for Powell
–– C'mon, how about unexpected shade?
They’re rich. They’re anti-Trump. And they don’t want their big tax cut.
–– Got a few bil to defeat Trump machine in ’26?
Trump Was Diagnosed With Chronic Venous Insufficiency. What Is It?
–– Besides hopeful sign?
This underdiagnosed vein disorder affects 4 in 10 Americans
–– Making it Trump’s most popular initiative.
Trump flees Washington controversies for golf-heavy trip to Scotland
–– Always heavy when he’s on course.
FDA’s artificial intelligence is supposed to revolutionize drug approvals. It’s making up studies
–– Just like its creators.
Deportation flights out of ‘Alligator Alcatraz’ have begun
–– If you can swallow Gator raid.
‘The audacity’: Rep. Jones on Kristi Noem telling reporter ‘don’t you dare’ say ICE targets Latinos
–– To really piss her off say ‘Latinx.’
Tulsi Gabbard's 'treason' allegation triggers a high-wire act from Obama world
–– Based on circus clown's routine?
Trump Posts Video of the Night Obama Humiliated Him as He Pushes for Prosecution
–– After blue dress probably most consequential bad-mouthing of last 35 years.
Behind Japan’s Trade Deal: 8 Rounds of Talks and ‘Hurrying Slowly’
–– Zen shrewdism.
Hegseth Signal messages came from email classified ‘SECRET,’ watchdog told
–– He thought it was reference to deodorant.
Another Hegseth aide exits as Pentagon churn continues
–– Like churned butthole.
Elon Musk hits back at Trump after president said he didn't want to strip Tesla boss of subsidies
–– Trump blamed neighbor's dog for making him.
Elon Musk’s brain implant startup Neuralink called itself a “small disadvantaged business” to the federal government
–– Implanted in vast, disadvantaged bureaucracy.
Exclusive-Trump's Golden Dome looks for alternatives to Musk's SpaceX
–– Considering Weyland-Yutani Corp.
In scathing letter, NASA workers rebuke ‘rapid and wasteful changes’ at agency
–– 'Celeri et Prodigi' should be added to Trump family shield.
Trump’s Dumbest Lawyer Is Officially Out of a Job—Goodbye, Alina Habba
–– Habba dabba douche.
GOP Senator, 73, Freezes During Fox Business Interview
–– McConnellcal failure.
MAGA Senator, 73, Promises He Didn’t Have Stroke Live on Fox Business Show
–– Admits he couldn’t grab limp noodle even if he wanted to.
French president sues Candace Owens over claims his wife is a man
–– Homme my!
Israel Expands Offensive in Gaza and Raids a W.H.O. Office
–– Doctor, not Who, found.
No formula, no food: Mothers and babies starve together in Gaza
–– Israel, Hamas hungry for formula.
The U.S. shouldn’t ignore the starving Rohingya of Myanmar
— Or thousand other issues crowded out by
Ukraine's Zelenskyy says defenses are holding firm against Russia's summer push
–– Includes drones dropping watermelons, ice pops.
Father who moved family to Russia to escape ‘woke’ America is sent to front line
–– This’ll put smile on your face.
NPR news chief says she’s leaving, days after federal funding cuts
–– With cuts, can make same salary running ham radio in basement.
Republicans push to name Kennedy Center’s opera house after Melania Trump
–– And have it feature musical versions of soap operas like Il Tempo Della Nostra Vita, I Giovani e Gli Irrequieti, Ospedale Generale.
JFK grandson rips move to name Kennedy Center theater after Melania Trump: This administration ‘stands for freedom of oppression’
–– She stands for 'talentless divas.'
Skydance pledges to Trump’s FCC it’ll eliminate DEI, install ‘ombudsman’ to root out ‘bias’ at CBS News
–– Remake of Lethal Weapon starring Don Jr., Eric in blackface.
CBS News Names Tanya Simon Executive Producer of ’60 Minutes’
–– Looks nice, easy to push around.
Stephen Colbert Claps Back at Trump’s Gloating About ‘Late Show’ Cancellation: ‘Go F— Yourself’
–– His Impotence couldn’t even pleasure own hand.
A Former Producer For The Late Show Under David Letterman Just Weighed In On CBS' Surprising Decision: 'Never Threaten A Corporate Merger'
–– All you kids out there –– toss core beliefs mom and dad taught you for a buck.
Portnoy on ‘arrogant’ Colbert’s cancellation: ‘What did you think was going to happen?’
–– ‘In the hellscape media environment where a cockroach like me thrives?’
David Letterman Weighs in on Cancellation of Stephen Colbert's “The Late Show”: 'You Can't Spell CBS Without BS'
–– Uh, right, but too bad about no writers in retirement.
‘South Park’ creators sarcastically respond to Trump lashing out over spoof: ‘Terribly sorry’
–– He certainly is.
Park’ Creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone Battled Comedy Central Over Showing Trump’s Genitals, Refused to Blur His Penis
–– Age has done that.
White House Bashes ‘South Park’ After Trump Parody: ‘This Show Hasn’t Been Relevant for Over 20 Years’ and Can’t ‘Derail Trump’s Hot Streak’
–– Only streak hotter is Satan’s.
Paramount Faces a Talent Rebellion, and Their Target Is Trump's D**k
–– Small wonder.
Shark Tank’s Kevin O’Leary warns Gen Z this job is a slow ‘drift into hell’ that’ll make you unemployable for life
–– As opposed to his on Devil’s board of directors.
Pedro Pascal: ‘I Was So Appalled by the Way I Look’ in ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ That ‘I’ve Never Gone Back’ to Being Clean Shaven for an Acting Role
–– Why 1960s Reed Richards looks like 2025 dad hitting dating scene again after Sport Clips appointment?
‘The Home’ Review: Pete Davidson Looks Completely Lost in This Amalgam of Classic Horror Films
–– Or playing self?
Joaquin Phoenix Says a Director ‘F—ing Pissed Me Off’ by Calling Me a ‘Character Actor’: It Was Code for ‘You’re Never Going to Get There’ as a Star
–– You must be Jokering.
‘Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon’ Renewed for Fourth and Final Season
–– Can they please tear character limb from limb.
Dua Lipa’s Nakedest Bikinis Include Monogrammed Bras & Hello Kitty Sets
–– Gee, would ya look at those patterns. No wait, we need to study some more…
Anya Taylor-Joy Looks So Different After Ditching Her Signature Long Blonde Hair
–– Yes, reporter with object permanence disorder, we couldn’t pick her out in police line-up.
GloRilla Arrested on Felony Drug Charges the Night Before WNBA All-Star Performance
–– Explains her dribbling?
Rodney Dangerfield's last line in 'Caddyshack' was a nonsense ad lib that somehow stuck
–– Was like rewriting Moliere.
Drugs, Paid Sex and No Prenup: David Geffen’s Divorce Drama Goes Public as Mogul’s Ex Files Explosive Lawsuit
–– We were so sure things would work out for these two crazy kids.
Katy Perry nearly plummets from floating butterfly as giant prop malfunctions during her show
–– Almost landed on pupa.
Jessica Simpson Admits On ‘Today’ She Did Not Know She Could Get Pregnant While Breastfeeding: “Of Course I’m The 1%”
–– “In lowest functional IQ.”
The Story Behind Wallis Simpson’s Erotically Charged Schiaparelli Lobster Dress
–– She paid with very sexy plastic.
A-list actresses casually board commercial flight in sea of stunned passengers
–– Omigod! Did they go potty, too?
Investigator says the 'most prolific' fraudsters he's ever seen are a pair of Texas singers
–– Guess he doesn’t follow White House politics.
Cleveland Guardians respond to Trump's post about restoring former team name
–– Could they keep from laughing?
Tour de France confronts a new threat: Are cyclists using tiny motors?
–– And weensy jet packs?
Do men deserve sex because they are men? I answered your questions.
–– Signed, Lysistrata.
The Coldplay Concert Shame Is Something to Celebrate
–– We’re proud of the man that wrote… oh, a Helen.
Goodbye Gentle Parenting, Hello ‘’F–– Around and Find Out’
–– Wasn’t that Epstein motto?
Coca-Cola is releasing a Trump-approved new version of its soda
–– Do monkeys jerk off in each can?
In-N-Out billionaire Lynsi Snyder says her family will leave California along with the company's headquarters: 'Doing business is not easy here'
–– Out-N-Out.
Orson Welles Ate At This Los Angeles Restaurant Almost Every Day
–– Often causing food shortage, shut down.
Here’s the Surprising Reason Chef Hats Are So Tall
–– Very pointy heads.
How a Brutal Beer War Led to the Downfall of the Brewery That Made Milwaukee Famous
–– We don’t give two Schlitz.
We Asked a Beef Expert to Name the Best Cut of Steak—Here’s What They Said
–– We want to see boeufolological degree before reading further.
Cracker Barrel faces another 'woke' customer controversy
–– Most customers pass out in mashed potatoes.
Restaurant Unknowingly Laces Pizza With THC, Doses Nearly 100 Customers
–– Sells twice as many as usual due to munchies.
Plane in Alaska Crash Was Overloaded With Moose Meat and Antlers, N.T.S.B. Says
–– Of course it was.
The Worst Air Disaster in American History Occurred in Broad Daylight. Why Do Similar Mistakes Keep Happening?
–– Every 69 years, Popular Mechanics?
He Was Living Out His 'Dream' Diving with Sharks and Bungee Jumping Off Cliffs Until Filming It All 'Ruined' His Life
–– Now he just hopes for a pool full of jellyfish, steep spiral staircase.
After plowing his car into a crowd outside an LA nightclub, the driver was beaten and shot by bystanders, police say
–– Why mobs need guns.
Texans shaken as thousands of fire ants seen forming rafts on river using their bodies
–– Well-endowed ones for poles.
Riding a bike through the world’s largest albatross colony
–– And ending up with at least one around neck.
“I camera-trapped the Congo jungle for a year. These are my best photos”
–– We’re going to eye-release ourselves from looking because you used hideous phrase.
6 deadliest sea snakes on the planet: These beautiful sea serpents are so lethal they can kill with one bite
–– 6. Pecking Krait, 5. Intermittent Viper, 4. Grim Reefer, 3. Long John Slither, 2. Bad Asssp, 1. Cecil the Seasick Sea Serpent.
Ötzi The Iceman’s DNA Reveals He Belonged To A Previously Unknown Genetic Lineage
–– Ötzi tötzi.
Widely panned arsenic life paper gets retracted—15 years after brouhaha
–– It totally blew, we mocked as ‘Arsenic and old ass.’
Medieval knight’s grave discovered under ice cream shop
–– Sir Fudgy of Carvel.
We’re All Being Dragged Into a Giant Invisible Structure, Scientists Say
–– Especially if we’re Hispanic.
The asteroid that will spare Earth might hit the moon instead. What happens if it does?
–– Free cheese showers?
For the first time in modern history a capital city is on the verge of running dry
–– Bar none?
This 3D-printed home is built from dirt
–– Furniture from mouse droppings.
This is the summer of flooding across the US, and scientists know why
–– Everyone besides few hundred morons in Washington DC know why.
FEMA Chief Quits in Disgust at Kristi Noem’s Texas Flood Response
–– Noem more Mister Nice Guy.
The First Planned Migration of an Entire Country Is Underway
–– Toodle-oo, Tuvalu.
In An Age of Climate Change, How Do We Cope With Floods
–– Um, uh, poorly?
Food Network Star Anne Burrell’s Death Ruled a Suicide
–– By chocolate?
Sarah Morlok Cotton, Quadruplet Who Knew Fame and Suffering, Dies at 95
–– And whipped fair share of Eloi.
Chuck Mangione, Jazz Musician Whose ‘Feels So Good’ Stormed the Pop Top 10 in the Late ’70s, Dies at 84
–– Last words, ‘I don’t feel so good.’
Malcolm-Jamal Warner, actor who starred as Theo in ‘The Cosby Show,’ dead at 54
–– No Theo rising.
Cleo Laine, British Jazz Singer and Tony-Nominated Actress, Dies at 97: 'A Remarkable Performer'
–– Laine down.
GOODBYE, BROTHER: Wrestling legend Hulk Hogan dead at 71 after ‘suffering cardiac arrest at home’ following hospitalization just weeks ago
–– Hulk smashed.
Hulk Hogan's death could be bad news for Hooters
–– And other boobs.
Ozzy Osbourne, Black Sabbath Frontman and Heavy Metal Legend, Dies at 76
–– Stop on Crazy Train.
Critic’s Notebook: Ozzy Osbourne Created the Template for Reality TV Celebrity Reinvention, From Flavor Flav to Donald Trump
–– Talk about speaking ill of dead.
Ozzy Osbourne Wasn’t Just a Music God–His Legendary DNA Helped Science Evolve
–– Calm down –– he made it to 5 years under average life expectancy for UK male.
