The Worse for Swear
Week of 01/17/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump inauguration will move indoors over frigid weather
–– Appropriate for ‘cold day in hell.’
South Korea’s President Is Detained for Questioning
–– Demands, 'Yoon and what army?'
Biden Warns of ‘Oligarchy’ and a ‘Dangerous Concentration of Power’ in Farewell Address
–– Being absolutely right (again) loses him 2 more points in popularity.
Mike Johnson To Raise Capitol Flags For Trump, Potentially Violating Flag Display Code
–– Offers to sit atop poll naked during swearing in.
TikTok CEO to attend Trump’s inauguration, a day after ban set to start
–– In effort to gather as many criminals as possible.
It's official: TikTok is set to be banned. Here's what happens next.
–– Trump offers to pardon app if it cuts him in on profits.
Netanyahu delays cabinet vote on Israel-Gaza ceasefire deal and hostage release
–– Always was noodge.
Israeli security cabinet approves ceasefire and hostage deal
–– But can't resist some last licks.
Relief at this Gaza deal should be tempered by rage at Hamas and Netanyahu. How dare they take so long?
–– What was big rush? Oh.
‘Is that a joke?': Biden asked if he or Trump gets credit for ceasefire deal
–– Here's one: 'Will they split Nobel Peace Prize 50/50?'
Bondi refuses to answer on possible prosecution of Smith, Cheney and Garland
–– Or Sauron, Voldemort, Vader.
"I saw many things": Pam Bondi says she can now "accept" the 2020 results but won't say Trump lost
–– And understood none of them.
Rubio to tell senators Trump administration will place American interests ‘above all else’
–– Including sanity, decency.
Scott Bessent’s funny math would make his GOP predecessors blush
–– They still have sense of shame?
Deportation at ‘light speed’: How Trump’s crackdown could unfold
–– As pure sci-fi.
Lee Zeldin, Trump’s E.P.A. Nominee, Is Short on Environmental Experience
–– The Legend of Zeldin: Echoes of Wisdom.
Mel Gibson 'surprised' by Trump naming him 'special ambassador' to Hollywood
–– Even racist nut unprepared for depths of pathology.
Jeffries: With narrow margin, House GOP can’t ‘pass anything close’ to bill Johnson floating
–– Floating in toilet.
Trump engaged in 'unprecedented criminal effort,' special counsel says in final report on 2020 election case
–– Ultimately aided, abetted by 77,303,573 idiots.
"Shocking criminal scheme": Raskin says Jack Smith's report shows Trump is an authoritarian threat
–– “And tune in January 20 for irrefutable proof.”
Jack Smith, in final report, says voters saved Trump from being convicted in Jan. 6 case
–– This week in ’Obvs!’
Cannon holds hearing on Trump documents report as Democrats urge its release
–– Cannon farther.
JD Vance says people who committed violence at the Capitol riot 'obviously' shouldn't be pardoned
–– So anyone who broke in.
‘Frankly sick’: Conservatives fume over release of Jack Smith report on Trump’s 2020 election plot
–– Oh, great, they reached same conclusion about Trump’s character we all did.
Paul Krugman Issues Dire Warning On How ‘A Lot’ Of Trump Voters Will Be ‘Brutally Scammed’
–– We’re way more worried about rest of us.
Special counsel who investigated Hunter Biden criticizes President Biden in final report
–– This week in false equivalency.
Michelle Obama Just Announced She Will Not Attend Donald Trump's Inauguration After Also Missing Jimmy Carter's Funeral
–– Even if seated close enough to reach podium with rotten tomato?
Donald Trump Threatens Comcast In Rant Over Seth Meyers’ Late-Night Show
–– It's Com-spastic!
Whoopi Goldberg Says ‘I Stand Behind’ Carrie Underwood and ‘Have to Support’ Her Right to Perform at Trump’s Inauguration: ‘I Won’t Be Watching’
–– Behind her ready to push off stage.
Jill Biden expresses disappointment with Pelosi: ‘We were friends for 50 years’
–– But she’s gotta be thrilled at how pressure on Joe led to ‘early’ retirement.
‘I Think Things Are Going to Be Bad, Really Bad’: The US Military Debates Possible Deployment on US Soil Under Trump
–– Says Cpl. Nostradamus.
Speaker Johnson removes chair of powerful House Intelligence Committee
–– Rep. Mike Turner ends up on ass.
Supreme Court divided on Texas age-verification law for porn sites
–– Clarence Thomas has been pretending to be 16-year-old girl on porn sites for years.
Fox News Tried to Prove Greenland Is MAGA. They Ended Up Humiliated.
–– Iced out.
Elon Musk Says His Boring Company Could Dig The $20 Trillion Tunnel Connecting America With Europe For '1000X Less Money'
–– And reach Earth's core faster than Peter Cushing.
Italian police accused of making female activists remove underwear and do squats
–– Così fanny tutti.
‘Deeply alarmed’: Washington Post staff request meeting with Jeff Bezos
–– Post mortem.
A lawyer says he dropped Meta as a client after what he called a 'descent into toxic masculinity' by Zuckerberg's company
–– ‘Toxic’, sure, but ‘masculine’ with Zuckerberg?
Mark Cuban says consumers have more control over insurance companies than they realize
–– So more than ‘none’?
Djimon Hounsou Says He Is “Still Struggling To Make A Living” Despite Oscar Nominations, Blockbuster Roles
–– Exorbitant lifestyle.
Adam McKay Says 'Don't Look Up' Was 'Hated' by 'Critics and Cultural Gatekeepers' but Seen by an Estimated '400 Million to Half a Billion' People on Netflix
–– After they watched equally brilliant Red Notice.
’The Flash’ Director Andy Muschietti Says the Film Flopped Because ‘It Wasn’t a Movie That Appealed to the Four-Quadrants. It Failed at That’
–– Did nail crazy-ass lead actor demo.
Neil Gaiman Allegations: Multiple Women Accuse ‘Sandman’ Author of Sexual Assault
–– Exit Sandman?
Your Hollywood Career: How to Tell When the End Is Nigh
–– Multiple accusations of sexual assault?
Blake Lively's Legal Team Called Justin Baldoni's Countersuit “Desperate"
–– We were sure they’d praise its insight, fairness.
Kyle Richards Opens Up About Why She Took a Break From Filming ‘RHOBH’: “I Said, ‘I Just Can’t Do This'”
–– ‘To viewers.’
Keke Palmer Says ‘Scream Queens’ Co-Star Hasn’t Apologized for Making Racist Remark — But Reached Out
–– Racist or pretty funny? “Keke, literally, just don’t. Who do you think you are? Martin f—— Luther King?”
OnlyFans' Bonnie Blue on How Much She Makes, Her Ex-Husband and More Revs
–– Her husband’s a reverend?
‘Not second screen enough’: is Netflix deliberately dumbing down TV so people can watch while scrolling?
–– Or is this another excuse for crappy, incoherent scripts?
Lindsay Arnold Admits She's 'Nervous' Ahead of Breast Augmentation and Lift: 'Can't Wrap My Brain Around That'
–– That’s what they’re using for spare tissue?
‘Botched’ Star Dr. Paul Nassif Welcomes His Fifth Baby, His Second with Wife Brittany: 'Hearts Have Never Been Fuller'
–– What, he’s cardiologist now?
Body language expert says Prince Harry, Meghan Markle appeared as ‘US version of royals’ during LA fire victim visit
–– How the bloody hell do we get job as royals’ body language expert?
Cartoonist Darrin Bell arrested on child pornography charges
–– Bell of the balls.
The True Tale of My Multi-Orgasmic Hookup With My Much Younger Handyman
–– It’s bullshit, but I got you to read.
Skin is in: as sales of thong bikinis rise, is body confidence also growing?
–– Let’s get to bottom of it.
The 5 Pills that could end aging
–– 1) Cyanide.
Procter & Gamble accused of 'greenwashing' in Charmin toilet paper, lawsuit says
–– And ‘brownwiping.’
A New Yorker who feared rising costs would hurt his retirement moved to Nepal. He says life is much cheaper and more relaxing.
–– ‘And bagels are ‘delish.’
Billed as nonaddictive, new pain pill could soon win FDA approval
–– Big pharma jonesing for it.
Spirits industry hopeful about Trump's return, DISCUS CEO says
–– Anticipating record levels of drunkenness.
Costco Has Officially Discontinued This Popular Food Court Item, and Fans Say It's 'Excruciatingly Heartbreaking'
–– Fat in fries was already breaking hearts.
What foods use Red Dye No. 3? What to know about the newly banned food coloring
–– And which faces?
My Clever French Trick for Making Vegetables Taste Ridiculously Good (Works Every Time!)
–– Blowing my husband while he’s eating steamed broccoli.
The Lies we’ve Been Told About Alcohol
–– By Alcohol!
Three sisters posed for a photo on a beach in the 1980s. Over 40 years later they recreated it
–– Um, uh thanks for sharing?
Fired Disney World employee pleads guilty to hacking menu, removing life-saving allergy information
–– Removed reference to peanut allergy from Dumbo burger.
Tiny creature with very hairy toes discovered on hillside in Cambodia
–– Can be trapped by tying strands together, tripping.
From the tiniest and most adorable to the most majestic, here's a group of stunning cat photographs showcasing beautiful species from across the world.
–– Hottest pix from OnlyFurs.
Does your cat need to eat wet food? Vets explain
–– Just how pussy-whipped you are.
The Dogs of Chernobyl May Not Be Mutating After All, One Study Claims
–– Study written by Samoyed.
Warning of stowaway snakes and tree-frogs hiding in pot plants
–– That will make you soil pants.
Are Octopuses Sentient?
–– And too smart to read this?
When this underwater robot went on a 55-day mission to one of the darkest places on Earth, it found something staggering
–– Many species in dark stagger.
Scientists Discovered a New Species That Defies Conventional Wisdom
–– Like this headline.
Death by sex: 11 animals that die during or after mating
–– 8) Nelson Rockefellers.
What dangles from its rear end needs some explaining. Why the Australian horror moth deserves its name.
–– Looks like lesser Hemsworth.
Apex predators were sacrificed nearly 2,000 years ago in Teotihuacán
–– Preys be.
What Was Life Like in Pompeii Before Mount Vesuvius Erupted Nearly 2,000 Years Ago?
–– Like life.
Pompeii excavation unearths private spa for wooing wealthy guests
–– Woo-who?!
Jon Stewart Rips L.A. Wildfires Response Critics: “What the F*** Is Wrong With You?”
–– Not enough evidence in last 10+ years?
Public Enemy’s Chuck D Says ‘Burn Hollywood Burn’ Should Not Be Used to Celebrate LA Wildfires
–– Loot suggestions.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Launches Unhinged Call for Officials to Manipulate the Weather to Stop L.A. Wildfires
–– Figured if anyone could control Jewish space lasers…
Michael Douglas Issues Bold Political Statement About LA Fires: 'A Nightmare Tragedy'
–– None but the brave.
Gavin Newsom Says Donald Trump Hasn’t Returned His Calls: ‘It’s Pretty Shameful’ | Video
–– Smoke and morons.
Gavin Newsom says Trump may try to withhold disaster aid for California: 'He's been pretty straightforward about that'
–– Gov's hot take.
'SNL' Star Issues Urgent Warning to Los Angeles Residents: 'Don't Listen to Your Friends'
–– "Or me.'
MAGA porn star offering free services to LA firefighters
–– They say they'd prefer smoke inhalation.
Mike Pence says he 'welcomed' opportunity to talk to Donald Trump at Jimmy Carter funeral
–– Wanted to hang?
At Home, Her Life Was Modest. As ‘Killadamente,’ She Inspired Millions.
–– Now watch us try to spin inspirational story out of death at 27.
Dame Joan Plowright, Celebrated English Actress and Tony Winner, Dead at 95
–– Plow under
–– Lynch pinned.
‘A one-way trip to heaven’: cigarettes were David Lynch’s magic wand – and his undoing
–– Via Lost Highway?
