Warn Down
Week of 06/05/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
House passes war powers resolution directing Trump to end hostilities with Iran
–– How about skirmish powers? Excursion powers?
Here's What Architects Think Of Trump's 250-Foot Triumphal Arch
–– Build only if he's buried under it.
Trump cursed at Netanyahu in call over Lebanon escalation, sources say
–– Birds of a feather focked together.
Trump now says US left Iran’s military ‘alone’ after weeks of boasting that he destroyed its forces
–– Will cover eyes, count to 100 while they hide nuclear stockpile.
US bombs Iranian military sites and Tehran targets American troops in Kuwait
–– During ceasefire in non-war.
Trump Hits the Stalemate Phase of His International Interventions, and It Stings
–– Which mate staler: Melania or JD?
Mike Pence says Trump’s $1.8B ‘slush fund’ for allies, including J6-ers who shouted to hang him, is ‘deeply offensive’
–– Noose flash!
Trump Administration Signals Retreat on ‘Anti-Weaponization’ Fund After Blowback
–– Only blowback he likes is when toady does it from behind.
The end of Trump's 'weaponisation' fund is another sign Republicans are fighting
–– They are like so tough …
‘I love it’: Trump and his team push a mixed message on the status of the ‘slush fund’
–– … Boy, is that slush fund ever history. Whoopee!
Senate Passes $70 Billion Border-Enforcement Bill Without Killing Trump Fund
–– Vote out these despicable gutless traitors. What, too funny?
Trump administration puts in writing to courts that the $1.8B ‘anti-weaponization’ fund is dead
–– In disappearing ink!
White House plans to vet public grants for ‘American values’ spark broad alarm
–– Trump, ‘What’s she so worried about?’
Senate advances reconciliation bill, dropping ballroom funds ahead of final push
–– Balls to the waltz.
Trump Says ‘Cancel It’ About Troubled ‘Freedom 250’ Concert Series, After Slamming ‘Overpriced, Third Rate Artists’ His Organization Booked
–– Or 'his favorites.'
Trump Interior Secretary Doug Burgum says America's 250th will be 'nonpartisan'
–– Sounding like Burgump.
MAGA Rep Publicly Pleads for Musicians ‘Willing’ to Play Trump Concert
–– Prayers…
Trump Says Lee Greenwood and Christopher Macchio Will Replace Freedom 250 Artists
–– … answered?!
MAGA Fan Says Trump-Branded Watch Arrived Missing the 'T' in Trump
–– Fan puts missing ’T’ in shithead.
Trump says he’s an ‘innocent man who has been horribly treated’ in Truth Social spree lashing out at enemies
–– Sympathy for the Devil?
Bondi Says Ghislaine Maxwell ‘Should Die in Prison’ Because She’s a ‘Monster’ Just Like Epstein
–– And in what way different then former boss?
Says Howard Lutnick Photo Was Removed From Epstein Files Over AI Concern
–– Asinine Interference.
The US economy added a stronger-than-expected 172,000 jobs last month
–– In latest imaginary number.
The simple detail Bessent struggles to grasp about putting Trump’s face on a $25
–– Acceptable only if on toilet roll.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth Drags His Wife Into Workout With Marines
–– Has them doing push-ups on her.
Pete Hegseth Sees One Type of Person as “Qualified.” You Can Probably Guess What That Is.
–– Of course…
Trump’s DOGE team wanted to declare nearly 3 million living people dead to help drive out migrants, whistleblower claims
–– While claiming corpse in Oval Office fully alive.
US Homeland Security cancels most pending Noem-era contracts after review
–– To Noem is to hate 'em.
More than 10,000 lawyers have left the Trump administration leaving multiple agencies understaffed, report says
–– Weren't pro bonehead?
Top prosecutor in seashells case against former FBI director James Comey steps down
–– After trying to move case to Seychelles.
John Bolton expected to plead guilty in classified-documents case
–– Mishandled docs in way that made it impossible to separate pages.
Democrats mock ‘the Commander-in-Sleep’ after Trump appears to nod off in latest White House appearance
–– If only we could wake from this nightmare.
The hair-loss drug Trump took for years is now absent from his medical records
–– How about memory-loss drug?
Trump gains a stone but has ‘body of 65-year-old’
–– Inside carcass of terminal 80-year-old.
Trump is quietly spending $5 million in taxpayer dollars to cover four bronze horse statues in 23.75-karat gold
–– Should cover balls in brass.
Dr. Oz blasts Americans who disagree with Trump: ‘Treating stupid is really hard’
–– Why not start with massive doses of tranquilizer for Trump.
Trump Claims a Missing N.J. Congressman Has Been ‘Working Tirelessly’
–– ‘Car-jackers stripped them off his state-issued vehicle.’
Ousted ICE chief Greg Bovino attacks Trump’s key aide Susie Wiles for ‘watering down’ immigration policy
–– And opposing 'Most Dangerous Game' initiative.
FBI leading push to uncover truth about mystery objects near US nuclear facilities, filmmaker says
–– Or ‘fake documentarian claims inept clowns hunting down make-believe aliens.’
Jill Biden Claims She Was ‘Shocked’ That Kamala Harris Lost to Donald Trump
–– And that Dewey didn't win.
Jill Biden memoir shares frosty encounter with Melania ‘who only wanted to talk about the weather’
–– 'I am hoping det you are being buried beneath the snow banks. Be better, bitch!'
The Daily Show shreds Ivanka Trump’s ‘out-of-touch’ interview about $1.4 billion private island project
–– Isle of dogs.
Ted Cruz Shoots Down Republican’s Claim Homosexuals Have ‘No Place’ in America
–– Points to hair salons, Broadway, Cloakroom.
Trump ‘oil painting’ football image goes viral and sparks Pride Month jokes
–– Like QB looking for tight end.
Republicans attack Talarico's masculinity — and it might work
–– Can Dems attack Paxton's reptilinity?
Several Women Who Dated Graham Platner Recall ‘Unsettling’ Behavior
–– Mainesplaining?
Scotland’s former leader rejects blame for estranged husband’s embezzlement of party funds
–– Sturgeon row.
Elon Musk Claims Kamala Harris ‘Would Be President’ If His Daughter Was Not Transgender
–– Finally, analysis that makes sense.
Scott Pelley Accuses Bari Weiss of Trying to Kill ‘60 Minutes’ In Heated Staff Meeting
–– Cuckoo Pelly the trickster.
Scott Pelley fired by CBS after ‘60 Minutes’ clash with management
–– Drops anchor.
Fired '60 Minutes' correspondent Scott Pelley lashes out at CBS leadership over 'collapse of values at the top’
— Beyond the Pelley?
Look Back at Clint Eastwood's Life in Photos as the Hollywood Veteran Celebrates His 96th Birthday
–– The good, the bad and the elderly.
‘Euphoria’ Creator Sam Levinson Unpacks That Unavoidable Finale and Ending His Hit HBO Series
–– We gladly avoided.
Sydney Sweeney’s Cassie Mourns Rue While Cleaning Sex Toys in Euphoria’s Presumed Series Finale
–– No spoilers here!
'As a mom, I loved it’: Sharon Stone and Keke Palmer talk watching ‘Euphoria’ to connect with teens
–– Really wishes her kids turned out like these monsters.
Tom Holland Says He Would 'Finish a Minibar' in His Hotel Room in One Night Before Getting Sober: 'I Just Drank Too Much'
–– Used web-shooters to grab tiny bottles when too wasted to get off bed.
'The Mandalorian and Grogu' collapses in second weekend at box office, cementing huge loss for Disney
–– Little guy had too many fermented grapes.
Quentin Tarantino rips modern movies from Hollywood's 'flavorless sausage factory,' would 'rather read a book'
–– Accurate description, but his have been ‘dirty water dogs.’
Lorenzo Lamas details how he replaced Gerald Ford's son in 'Grease'
–– This week in ‘Ancient uninteresting history.’
The new 'Tomb Raider' actress explains her 'no Laras left behind' approach to gaming icon
–– Not her 'Croftwerk?'
Marilyn Monroe Worked with the Press to Out Her Own Nude Photo Scandal
–– Nudes flash!
Anne Hathaway Reveals She Was "Legally Blind" for 10 Years While Secretly Struggling With Rare Condition
–– Might explain some scripts she read, accepted.
Janice Dickinson, 71, Unveils First Photos of Dramatic Facelift After "Permanent Scarring" from Fall
–– Eye brows now in attic.
Tearful Mike Myers Thanks Canada For Hollywood Career: “I’d Just Really Be Nothing Without You”
–– Polite Canadians frankly embarrassed.
Ted Danson Apologizes for Blackface at 1993 Whoopi Goldberg Roast: “So Stupid and Entitled”
–– And will have to again if he lives another 33 years.
Harry Hamlin Says Daughters 'Never Asked' for ‘Help’ with Their Careers, but He and Wife Lisa Rinna Still Gave It
–– From their swollen lips to casting directors’ ears.
Mick Jagger, 82, makes very rare public appearance with oldest and youngest lookalike sons
–– They don’t much resemble him, regularly tours with Stones in public.
Bob Dylan’s Never Ending Tour Began 36 Years Ago This Week With a Show Critics Scorched
–– Tangled up in boos.
Bummer Summer! Why do the top pop girlies sound so morose this season?
–– Because they’re utter drags.
’Love Island USA’ Dismisses a Cast Member for Using the N-Word — for the Second Year in a Row
–– Same cast member?
–– EGAD!
Why Does No One Care About the World Cup This Year?
–– Why did anyone ever?
’Regrets? Number one: smoking. Number two: taking it up the wrong hole’: Tracey Emin on reputation, radical honesty – and Reform
–– How about smoking in wrong hole?
4 surprising ways AI is making your life more expensive
–– Does 'stealing job' qualify as surprising?
Harvard Graduation Speaker Unloads on AI in Profanity-Loaded Tirade, Prompting Cheers From Students: “I’m Here to Tell You the Mission of Your Generation Is to Destroy AI”
–– DoD robots called off space lasers at last second.
They Wanted to Upsize for Their Kids, but Could They Do It on the Upper West Side?
–– With $1.5M? This week in ‘Lotsa luck.’
It’s Never Been Easier in America to Get Buzzed
–– It's having single coherent thought that's hard.
People Left Stunned As They Learn Why Bubble Wrap Was Originally Invented
–– Had no idea you could actually wrap bubbles.
The history of the warm, chocolatey cookies that became a hotel icon
–– And that you can sleep on!
Whole Foods’ CEO Wants to Put a Banana in Your Amazon Box
–– So assume position…
The Simple Pantry Trick That Keeps Ground Beef Tender and Full of Flavor
–– Beat your meat!
Violet Witchel Wants You to Think Beans Are Sexy
–– And flick hers?
5 Health Risks From Consuming Too Much Protein
–– 1. Boyfriend will think you’re easy.
These Simple Tricks Make Sandwiches Taste Better, According to Chefs
–– 1. Let us fix.
This 42-mile Scenic Drive Was Just Named the Most Beautiful in the U.S.
–– From Nowhere to Nothing.
‘We call it the P-word’: Chicago professor suspended after assignment mentions Palestinians
–– Mind your Ps and Qs (Qurans.)
United flight diverted to Wisconsin after passenger’s ‘multiple attempts’ to breach cockpit, crew member says
–– Finally just peed on door.
Chinese Executive Killed in Cambodia After Family Couldn’t Pay $2 Million Crypto Ransom
–– Bit coin.
Australian cockroach kingpin caught with 100,000 illegal insects in record bug bust
–– Will check into roach motel, not check out.
Clip shows beaver freezing mid-chew to avoid getting crushed by its own falling tree
–– Has gnawing suspicion.
It's longer than 4 buses put together, yet only as thick as a coin – and is one deadly predator...
–– Are we talking Euro, Peso, Rand, Shekel…?
The world's smallest penis: "Evolution didn't forget to finish the job. Bigger is only better when bigger helps..."
–– Gorilla, ‘Hey, I told you I just took a dip in that chilly lake.’
It's the size of a frying pan – with an enormous appendage to match – and swings from tree to tree to mate
–– We swear the thing is like restaurant pepper mill.
"It has a lethally large inner toe tipped by a deadly dagger-like claw..." 15 weirdest, strangest birds on the planet, including one that reeks of fresh cow manure
–– So shitbird real thing.
The Uncertain Future of the Smithsonian’s Smallest Museum
–– Not even a little interested.
How a 200-year-old Underground Railroad stop was just discovered in New York City
–– And how on-time performance still better than D train.
Apocalypse no: how almost everything we thought we knew about the Maya is wrong
–– Name actually Meyer, hail from Brooklyn.
Archaeologists Excavating a Monastery in Spain Identified the Remains of a 14th-Century Queen—and Multiple Skeletons Buried in the Wrong Graves
–– Queen fully tucked.
Scientists reveal Ötzi the Iceman's dynamic microbial world
–– The Iceman teemeth.
Scientists Made Sourdough Bread With Yeast Found on Ötzi the Iceman’s Mummified Body
–– Butter from toe jam.
Apocalyptic “Fungal Storms” Are Now Surging Across the US
–– Fungal in the jungle?
NASA puts ISS astronauts on evacuation alert after worsening air leak
–– Called off when discovered it was just gassy cosmonaut.
Peabo Bryson, singer of 'Beauty and the Beast' and 'Tonight, I Celebrate My Love,' dies at 75
–– People who love Peabo are the luckiest people…
Anthony Head Dies: ‘Ted Lasso’ & ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ Star Was 72
–– Head’s off.
French-Iranian Persepolis author Marjane Satrapi dies of ‘sadness’
–– Her luck? Iran out.
