Robochop
Week of 05/15/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Xi tells Musk, Tim Cook and other CEOs on Trump’s trip: China will ‘open wider’
–– Then slam door on dicks.
Kamala Harris calls war in Iran: 'Bullshit'
–– Finally got something right.
Trump says Chinese leader Xi offered to help broker peace with Iran
–– Like he helped feed him with chopsticks at state dinner.
Xi warns Trump: Mishandling Taiwan will put U.S.-China relationship in 'great jeopardy’
–– Trump, ‘We love great. Great’s the greatest.’
Wall Street ends higher on tech rally; investors eye Trump-Xi talks in Beijing
–– While mainlining meth.
China and U.S. agree Hormuz shouldn’t be ‘militarized,’ Marco Rubio says
–– Not even chili or SPAM.
Rubio is banned from China, but Beijing may have found a way around it
–– Shocking for such principled regime.
Why China Is So Much Less Scared of A.I.
–– Already robotic drones.
Supreme Court allows Alabama to eliminate congressional district held by a Black Democrat
–– This week in 'off to the racists.'
Why Republicans Are Still Drawing House Maps, While Democrats Are Stuck
–– Ignorant opportunists wilier than clueless idealists.
Supreme Court Allows Abortion Pill Access by Mail to Continue
–– Avoids fee mail trouble.
Gen. Caine’s Silence on Iran War Leaves Questions About Military Strategy
–– Being Trump’s top military adviser is like being Ted Bundy’s life coach.
Israel is worried that Trump will strike a ‘bad deal’ with Iran, leaving war objectives unmet
–– Only because of every other deal he’s ever made.
Pentagon Puts War at $29 Billion as Hegseth Is Mum on Funding Request
–– Or more than yearly USAID budget in 2024.
Hegseth gets bipartisan grilling on rising costs of the Iran war and Trump’s end game
— Trump playing end games with pantless Uncle Sam.
Jared Golden tanks push to rein in Trump’s war powers as GOP opposition grows
–– Golden shower.
Trump says Iran ceasefire is 'on life support' as hopes for a deal fade
–– Why wouldn’t comprehensive peace plan regarding critical chokehold waterway, 11 tons of enriched uranium be agreed to in less time than average home sale?
Iran War Puts the World’s Most Used Chemical in Short Supply
–– Spice Melange.
White House to host 9-hour prayer festival focused on Christian roots of U.S.
–– Would need 90,000 to begin to atone for their sins.
Senate confirms Trump pick Warsh as chairman of the Federal Reserve, following Powell
–– Comes out in Warsh.
Trump Plans to Fire F.D.A. Commissioner Marty Makary
–– Did he ‘restore FDA to the Gold Standard of Scientific Research’ too quickly?
Trump has a better understanding of the Bible than Pope Leo, says conservative
–– Takes deep knowledge to break every commandment.
Dell family gave $6.25B to 'Trump Accounts' in December. Now Trump says 'buy a Dell' — and the stock soared 14%
–– This week in 'coinkydinks.'
Trump official says she’s involved in policy changes that benefit her family’s ranches, video shows
–– Stock behavior for these thieves.
Trump Goes Into Detail About Guns And Violence... While Surrounded By Kids!?!
–– At least he didn’t have Secret Service shoot anyone.
Many Americans think Trump assassination attempts were fake, survey finds
–– Wish they’d get real?
Kash Patel lashes out as lawmakers question ‘excessive drinking’
–– Threatens to toss empty bottle of bourbon at them.
Emails show FBI Director Kash Patel's Hawaii trip included 'VIP snorkel' at a Pearl Harbor memorial
–– USShole.
Kennedy Is Driving a Vast Inquiry Into Vaccines, Despite His Public Silence
–– Can’t get over anti-vax bug.
Mothers are America’s Strength
–– Or Mutters R Amerikkka’s Strain-t by Melania Trump.
Katie Miller Has A Problem With 'Hate Has No Home Here' Signs — And The Reason Is Wild
–– What if she or husband wanted to move in.
GOP Rep. Mike Lawler blasts ‘disgusting’ antisemitic and homophobic comments from Sen. Rand Paul’s son
–– Pretty appaulling.
Why U.S. Test Scores Are in a ‘Generation-Long Decline’
–– Really stupid young people.
Why China gains major edge on U.S. amid Iran war, intelligence report finds
–– See above.
Xi Doesn’t Need a Deal With Trump
–– Xi who must be obeyed.
Pressure on Starmer Mounts as Dozens of Labour Lawmakers Call on Him to Quit
–– Labor's under illusion.
C.I.A. Director Visits Cuba as Tensions Rise and Island Runs Out of Oil
–– Havana rough time.
Putin’s scaled down Victory Parade getting smaller by the day
–– Nearly tiny as him.
Byron Allen Is Buying BuzzFeed, Will Become CEO
–– In case you had any misconception it was still relevant.
Steve Jobs had a ‘beer test’ he used for interviews at Apple—if he didn’t want to drink with you, you didn’t get the job
–– And he slammed bottle over your head.
Stephen Colbert reveals the guest he was 'wildly attracted to': 'I didn’t know what to do with my eyeballs'
–– 'Or meye balls.'
Theaters Embrace Nate Bargatze’s Call to Make Ticket Prices for ‘The Breadwinner’ More Affordable
–– Because what sentient being would pay full price?
Where Blake Lively, Justin Baldoni’s Careers Go Next: “Who Wants to Work With People That Go This Far?”
–– And not in stretching-the-acting muscle sense.
‘Running Point’ Star Brenda Song Really Knows Ball
–– Scene work not so much.
“Boy Meets World ”star Rider Strong confesses 'shame and fear' of aging: 'I'm letting the world down'
–– And name.
Matthew McConaughey Exiled Himself From Hollywood and Lived in Peru as Mateo for 22 Days Without Electricity When Fame Became Too Much
–– We’re gonna need to see verification on that story.
‘They Will Kill You' Is Your Typical Tarantino Knockoff - Until It Isn't
–– During end credits.
‘The Odyssey’” Why Elon Musk and His Troll Army’s attacks Aren’t Just Silly but Wildly Inaccurate
–– Or just like film glimpsed in trailer.
’The Odyssey’: Everybody Using American Accents Is Definitely a Choice
–– Should be setting off Sirens.
Lox Pratt on Going From Jack in ‘Lord of the Flies’ to Draco Malfoy in ‘Harry Potter’: ‘I Don’t Think I’d Take Another Bad Guy Role Straight After This’
–– Lox and schmear.
How Sally Field's dog got his name and became her 'everything'
–– Dash it all.
Shane Gillis calls out 'Zionist' Chelsea Handler at Kevin Hart roast for attending Epstein party
–– But he thinks it means she hails from Utah National Park.
Ian McKellen Says Obi-Wan Kenobi Actor Alec Guinness Told Him to Stay Quiet on Gay Rights Because ‘It’s Unseemly for an Actor to Dabble in Political Affairs’
–– Bent Kenobi?
Adam McKay Says ‘No Group Is Worse’ For America Than ‘White Liberals’: ‘They’re Getting a Lot From This Broken System’
–– Sad because Democrats really need clear thinkers.
Sydney Sweeney’s ‘Euphoria’ Sex Worker Is Really Pissing Off OnlyFans Models
–– Especially ones into water sports.
Spit, vomit and a banned baby: Cannes controversies – ranked!
–– Sacre blooey!
Remember when Salma Hayek stepped out at Cannes with this risky self-styled look?
–– You do? Loser.
Broadway Has a Problem: Audiences Won’t Stop Laughing
–– During death scenes!
Broadway’s ‘Book of Mormon’ Sets Return Date After Theater Fire
–– Angel Moroni pissed.
Michael Jackson Kept Going Back To A 'Cult Run' Restaurant For The Enchiladas
–– And busboys.
Billie Eilish Responds to Backlash After Saying ‘Eating Meat Is Inherently Wrong’
–– If her criticism dulls your carnivorous pleasures you should be sproutarian.
Cher’s Son Elijah Blue Allman Shares His Mother No Longer Sends Him a ‘Recurring Gift Income.’
–– Blew it all, man.
Paul McCartney’s Nostalgic New Album Includes His First Duet With Ringo Starr
–– To make his shot voice sound better.
Paul McCartney Reviews Bob Dylan Live: ‘I Couldn’t Tell What Song He Was Doing’
–– Rasp buried?
Trump’s role as LIV Golf host renews scrutiny over conflicts of interest
–– LIVing embodiment of greed.
Orioles’ Tupac Shakur bobbleheads in high demand: ‘I didn’t think it was real’
–– Had to Shakur self?
Slavia Prague faces sanctions for derby pitch invasion, attacks on Sparta players in Czech league
–– No response from Sparta?
What Is a Bob Ross Painting Worth
–– Canvas it was painted on.
Female nudity and art that stinks: key takeaways from Venice Biennale 2026
–– La Merde could be title for whole show.
What does a woman swimming in urine tell us about the state of the world? Lots! – Venice Biennale review
–– Or about piss-poor art.
N.Y.U. Students Object to Speaker Who Calls Their Generation Coddled
–– Because they don’t know what word means.
Midsize Cities Held Steady as U.S. Population Growth Declined
–– If you can call place like Carmel IN a city.
Searching Paris for Ben Franklin, America’s ‘Least-Dead’ Founder
–– With garlic, hammer, stake.
Chef Daniel Boulud Reveals How NY Power Dining Has Changed: More Casual, More Caviar
–– Who can afford nice clothes at these prices?
I Just Learned What Capers Are Made From, And It's Not A Fruit Or A Vegetable
–– Crime film scripts.
I Asked 3 Chefs if You Should Peel Potatoes Before Boiling, and They All Said the Same Thing
–– ’Get a life.’
You can reverse much of the damage alcohol has done to your body, science says
–– So gulp away.
10 Meaningful Things to Tell Your Mom While You Still Can
–– 5. List of furniture you’d like in will.
Person who jumped perimeter fence is hit and killed by Frontier plane during takeoff on Denver runway, airport says
–– Sad, he did have thumb out.
A million baby monitors and security cameras were easily viewable by hackers
–– With weird fetishes.
A poker dealer couldn’t stop placing bets of his own. Then the FBI knocked on his door.
–– And wanted in on action.
Court overturns Alex Murdaugh’s murder convictions and orders new trial
–– Wants state to spend another $600k for pleasure of convicting scumbag again?
Passengers on Ship Struck by Hantavirus to Disembark on Sunday
–– Would kiss ground, but are afraid rats were there.
This tell-tail sign means your cat likes you
–– Even though his every other move screams opposite.
Beaver tests positive for rabies after biting 8-year-old. See attack
–– 8-year-old put down.
This is what happens when feral cows take over a remote Alaskan island
–– Bovine Fyre Festival.
David Attenborough narrates ruthless, shocking footage of orcas kidnapping a vulnerable humpback whale calf right under its poor mother's nose...
–– Getting black hood over head no mean feat.
It can live for 30 years without food & survive temperatures from zero to boiling point.” 8 indestructible animals that are the ultimate survivors
–– 8. Forever
Scientists Just Figured Out Why Neanderthals Collected Rhino Teeth
–– To make necklaces for their gift shops.
Experts wonder 'Where is the CDC?' as a hantavirus outbreak unfolds on a cruise ship
–– Below dicks.
CDC says threat of widespread outbreak of hantavirus remains low
–– And who wouldn’t trust them?
3 simple ways to reduce your body’s exposure to plastic chemicals
–– 1. Leave planet.
The chances of a rare 'super El Niño' occurring in 2026 just got higher. Here's how it could wreak havoc on the weather.
–– Or, y’know, won’t.
Expert: More than half of U.S. faces worst drought in decades
–– Has dry sense of humor.
Bobby Cox, Former Braves World Series-Winning Manager, Dies at 84
–– Went off half Cox.
Claudine Longet, Singer-Actress Who Shot Skier Spider Sabich, Dies at 84
–– All downhill from there.
Rex Reed Dies: Provocative Film Critic, Raconteur & ‘Myra Breckinridge’ Actor Was 87
–– Reed it and weep.
