Bill of Goods
Week of 05/23/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
House passes Trump’s sweeping domestic policy bill after GOP leaders win over key holdouts
–– Pig Pitiful Pill.
A giant Trump photo overlooks the National Mall. Not everyone is pleased
–– Big Bugger is watching.
Congressman Details How Trump Strong-Arms Votes In House, And It Sounds Spot-On
–– Strong-arm for limp limbs.
Millions Could Lose Food Stamp Benefits Under Republican Bill, Analysis Finds
–– While satisfying GOP appetite for destruction.
GOP rep. says no 'lawful beneficiary of Medicaid' will lose coverage under Trump agenda bill
–– As they fight to drop l from ‘lawful.’
What we know about the Army anniversary parade on Trump's birthday
–– Even Kim Jong-un is like, ‘Bit over the top, bro.’
Why Moody’s picked now to downgrade the United States
–– Has country ever been further degraded in modern era?
‘I own the store’: Trump seeks a direct role in the economy
–– Doys “R” Us.
Trump warns Walmart: Don't raise prices due to my tariffs but do eat the costs from those taxes
–– Wash down with $7.92 Coke 12-pack.
Furious Democrats call for investigation into Musk’s bid to help build Trump’s ‘$500 billion’ Golden Dome project
–– More like Golden Shower for tax payers.
Mike Pence says it's a 'bad idea' for Trump to accept a Qatari jet for use as Air Force One
–– Still crediting him with thought process.
Sources contradict Trump narrative about Qatar offering plane as ‘gift’
–– Jet leak.
Pentagon announces it has accepted jet from Qatar that will be used by Trump once it is modified
–– In Operation White Elephant.
Bruce Springsteen Calls Out ‘Unfit President’ Trump Again, Says Elected Reps ‘Utterly Failed to Protect the American People’
–– Caused err reperable damage.
Senator Says The Country Is ‘Stuck With A Madman’ In The White House Because Of Dems
–– MAGAlomaniac.
DOGE said 40% of the Social Security Agency’s calls were ‘fraudulent.’ Data suggests it was actually less than 1%
–– Further data suggests Musk 86% BS artist.
Trump has wiped Elon Musk’s name from Truth Social as GOP insiders admit he’s ‘finished, done, gone’
–– Threatened Trump's position as ninny GOAT.
Trump Pumped and Dumped His Crypto Backers With Dud Dinner Party
–– All-day suckers for dessert.
White House purges transcripts of Trump's remarks from its website
–– With cod liver oil.
Judge on warpath presses Trump DOJ on Abrego Garcia deportation, answers leave courtroom in stunned silence
–– Heap big whompin'.
Jeanine Pirro’s 10 most astounding quotes
–– 8. Trust me.
Kristi Noem stuns committee with botched definition of fundamental right the White House is threatening to suspend
–– Lameus corpus.
‘The View’ Host Alyssa Farah Griffin Doubts Kristi Noem Doesn’t Know Habeas Corpus: ‘May Be a Puppy Killer, She’s Not Dumb’
–– Compared to Griffin.
Trump Administration Says It Is Halting Harvard’s Ability to Enroll International Students
–– Non campus mentis.
Leak Shows Gabbard Goon Secretly Ordering Intel Change So It Couldn’t Be ‘Used Against’ Trump
–– When have his illegitimate, illogical, illegal utterances ever been effectively used against him?
Judge admonishes prosecutors over handling of Newark mayor’s arrest
–– Ras questions.
Justice Department ends police reform agreements and halts investigations into major departments
–– Looks to replace broken windows programs with broken skulls.
FBI director confirms federal probe into New York attorney general
–– Litigious James.
Secret Service interviewing ex-FBI director James Comey over ‘8647’ Trump ‘assassination’ threat: report
–– Investigating suspicious mollusks.
Zeldin slams Whitehouse in heated exchange: Americans ‘put President Trump in office because of people like you’
–– Sane public servants.
Biden thanks Americans for ‘love and support’ after prostate cancer diagnosis
–– Except all Democrats who blame him for getting old.
Donald Trump Jr. Ripped Over 'Disgusting' Post About Biden's Cancer
–– Displays personal growth.
Donald Trump Jr says the ‘calling is there’ for him to run for president
–– Like when Nature calls.
Nancy Mace shows nude photo of herself in House hearing as she says she was recorded without consent
–– We didn't consent to eyeball this.
Hollywood Gets a Major Boost From a Republican Senator in the Fight Over AI Copyright
–– Hawley cow!
Israel says ‘extensive’ ground operations underway in Gaza Strip
–– Targeting what? Hostile debris?
Trump confronts South Africa's president in Oval Office, pushes false claims of white genocide
–– Ram a faux sir.
Trump Claimed a Social Media Video Showed ‘Burial Sites’ of White Farmers. It Didn’t.
–– Hold up under close examination.
Trump Claimed This Photo Proved 'Genocide' Of White South Africans, But There's 1 Big Problem
–– Let us guess –– wrong continent? Too easy.
Unpacking Trump’s obsession with ‘dead White farmers’
–– Image only thing still makes him tingly down there.
South African President Calls Out Trump: ‘I’m Sorry I Don’t Have a Plane to Give You’
–– Should've realized cheap drone would do.
Kim Jong Un’s fury after watching North Korea’s new navy destroyer crippled in botched launch
–– That’s blooper reel we’d love to see.
Germany deploys permanent troops beyond its borders for the first time since WWII
–– Should be making neighbors very anschluss.
Pope Leo Snubs JD Vance After Inaugural Mass
–– Staff to head would've been appreciated.
Can Leo, the Pan-American pope, boost the Catholic Church’s popularity?
–– Or crash like Pan Am?
Head of CBS News Is Forced Out Amid Tensions With Trump
–– Good night and go f**k.
Criticism of Trump Was Removed From Documentary on Public Television
–– Seemed pretty mild to us.
I have seen the future of AI. It’s in Western Pennsylvania.
–– It’s tweaking on meth.
Denzel Washington Appears to Fight Back Against Pushy Cannes Photographer and Yells ‘Stop!’ During Tense Red Carpet Moment
–– Man on fire.
Singer Daria Yanina breaks nudity rules at Cannes Film Festival as she goes braless in a sheer dress
–– Kinda sorry we clicked.
Michelle Williams recalls Busy Philipps telling Ben Affleck to 'do something' during Oscars Best Picture mix-up
–– Gave bats signal.
Pedro Pascal's sister Lux calls his 'Last of Us' killing his worst onscreen death
–– This week in deluxe spoilers.
Tom Cruise Intends to Keep Making Movies Into His 100s: “I Will Never Stop”
–– When stunts will include step off steep curb, gentle slide down airplane escape chute, medium-speed Rascal Scooter chase.
Pee-wee Herman Creator Paul Reubens Was Out of the Closet—but Went Back in After He Got Famous
–– Closet filled with brightly-colored props.
Iconic Actress, 75, Turns Heads in Rare Red Carpet Appearance
–– Uses both hands, simple twisting motion.
Billionaire David Geffen, 82, files for divorce from go-go dancer husband, 32, without prenup
–– Expect legal bump and grind.
The Who Sacks Zak Starkey for a Second Time, in Advance of Farewell Tour: ‘I Was Fired Two Weeks After Reinstatement,’ Drummer Says
–– Who boy!
Neil Young to Trump on Fight With Bruce Springsteen: “Think About Saving America From the Mess You Made”
–– Nail Young.
Billy Joel cancels upcoming tour due to neurological disorder
–– Among rabid fans.
Britney Spears' shocking act on private plane causes panic as authorities intervene
–– Pockets three packets of salty nuts.
Harrison Ford talked Miley Cyrus out of performing her new music in forests and at pyramids, singer says
–– And anywhere in earshot of him.
Kneecap defiant at first major gig since terror charge
–– Audience takes it to groin.
Baseball Seeks an Answer to a 150-Year-Old Question: What Is a Swing?
–– Baseball ain’t too bright.
Should sports gambling still keep Pete Rose out of the Hall of Fame?
–– Don't bet on it.
Red Sox starter Walker Buehler fires back at Mets' Francisco Lindor: 'I wouldn't want me out there either'
–– Positing cloning scenario where he would bat against self?
Cameron Brink Turns Up the Heat in Bold Unbuttoned Corpcore Cover Moment
–– Nipples on brink.
Why does it matter that Barbie is on her tiptoes?
–– To you, maybe.
Marijuana is too strong now
–– Claims Elf King sitting atop Chupacabra in corner of our bedroom.
This Skill Can Help You Unlock an Altered Sate of Consciousness – And Mimic the Way Marijuana Feels
–– Ability to inject self with ketamine.
“It’s Like a War Zone’: What Happened When Portland Decriminalized Fentanyl
–– Like WW Drool. Or Viet Numb.
Can I Make My Jewish Employee Work on Christian Holidays
–– If you provide Chinese takeout.
‘Never Thought Herpes Would Take Me Out’
–– ‘I finally offered to split bill.’
8 Coolest Shorts Trends Everyone Will Be Wearing This Summer
–– 7) Crotchless cargoes.
Heidi Klum's Slit Is So High, She Has to Hold Down Her Dress
–– Can’t she lower her slit?
McDonald’s to shut down CosMc's stores starting in June
–– Loses CosMc's consciousness.
McDonald's Free Birthday Reward Is Exactly What You Wanted
–– To gift to acquaintance you don’t really like.
This Is The Secret To The Crispiest Hash Browns Ever, According To Our Food Editor
–– Paint chips.
Publix Recalls Baby Food Pouches Over Lead Contamination Concerns
–– Another excuse for rampant brain damage in South?
Air Traffic Controller Left 'Traumatized' and Placed on Leave After Being Only One on Duty During Terrifying 90-Second Blackout
–– Transportation Secretary Duffy offers to send her back in with comfort rat.
‘It was a terrible idea’: Air traffic controllers say recent issues at Newark are rooted in a plan from Trump’s first term
–– Current administrator jealous.
The top 10 US beaches for 2025, according to ‘Dr. Beach’
–– Dr. Beach, the Sturgeon General?
Marlon Brando Envisioned a Luxurious Eco Resort for His Private Island — Here’s What It’s Like to Stay at the Star-Loved Getaway Today
–– A little hairy.
Mexican ship was headed the wrong way before crashing into Brooklyn Bridge, killing 2
–– Caused mast hysteria.
Cargo Ship Crashes Into Norway Man’s Backyard
–– Beats Amazon Prime for delivery.
An Officer Said She Was Disabled. Prosecutors Said She Ran, Skied and Danced.
–– Runners, skiers, dancers said not well.
After killings, suspected gunman sat with guests at D.C. Jewish museum
–– Shiva to the bone.
South Carolina death row inmate seeks to volunteer to die after friends are executed
–– Praised for can-die attitude.
‘A new form of mass murder’: the terrifying, twisty unsolved mystery of the Tylenol killer
–– Victims feeling no pain?
Kittens ‘left in grocery bag’ outside were found just in time, PA shelter says
–– Still fresh enough to put in stew.
‘Supergiant' crustaceans the size of bread loaves are thriving in Earth's deep oceans, say scientists
–– Little ones the size of croutons bob on surface.
Penguin poop may alter the atmosphere and fight climate change
–– Or just be smelly mess.
Backyard feeders changed the shape of hummingbird beaks, scientists say
–– Like boozers with thin shot-glass lips.
Cub found alone in US woods now being raised by wildlife staff in bear costumes
–– Wouldn’t jerseys, baseball caps be enough?
Our Teeth May Descend From Sensitive Bumps on Prehistoric Fish Armor, New Research Finds
–– Dental damn!
8,000-pound sloths once roamed North America. Where'd they go?
–– Florida.
This mysterious iron pillar in India has been exposed to the elements for over 1,600 years. So why hasn’t it ever rusted?
–– Coat of Rust-oleum?
Archaeologists Found a Skeleton Wearing an Amulet That Might Change the History of Christianity
–– And post-mortem style trends.
The Story of a 300-Year-Old Mummy Confused Scientists for Centuries. Now They Know the Truth.
–– It was due to speech impediment.
31 million tons of supercharged seaweed is creeping toward beaches in Florida and around the Caribbean
–– Very, very quietly.
These Scientists Say They've Identified the Oldest Known Star Chart in the World
–– Shows castrato Farinelli at no. 1 with Son qual nave in 1735.
Chinese Spacecraft Accused of Dumping Experimental Fuel in Streak Seen Across American Sky
–– And dumpling experimental fuel.
The ‘plastic spoon’ of microplastics in your brain could stem from these foods that are wrecking your health, researchers say
–– And which you can now scoop with brain.
Jonnie Boer, Dutch Chef With 3 Michelin Stars, Is Dead at 60
–– Boer down.
George Wendt, the Beer-Loving Norm on ‘Cheers,’ Dies at 76
–– Went.
Raise a Pint to George Wendt
–– And end up in same shape.
