Kick the Con
Week of 04/19/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
House tees up votes on Ukraine and Israel aid as Speaker Johnson defies his right flank
–– More right butt cheek.
Trump Trial: Full jury chosen for New York hush money case
–– Pity poor bastards.
Can Trump Get a Jury Who Will Give Him a Fair Shake? My Expert Opinion Is Yes, and Here’s Why.
–– If they hung by over-sized tie and gave jerk.
Trump trial: Judge Merchan mulls prosecution request to fine Trump $3,000 for attacking witnesses
–– And impose muzzle.
Trump lawyers say Stormy Daniels refused subpoena outside a Brooklyn bar, papers left 'at her feet'
–– Where she could not see looking down.
“His mouth kept going slack": Trump appeared to doze off during his first Manhattan court appearance
–– Like every jaw in America.
Donald Trump Flips Out Over Barron’s Graduation Ban. Here's What The Judge Really Said.
–– Old man chosen valid dicktorian.
Man Sets Himself on Fire Near Courthouse Where Trump Is on Trial
–– Warm-up act.
Former RNC chair: Donald Trump's polling lead despite felony charges is an 'abomination'
–– The Abominable Showman.
Sununu Says Trump ‘Contributed’ to Insurrection, but Still Has His Support
–– Or, ‘I’d swallow if he was my cellmate.’
News organizations post open letter urging Biden and Trump to debate ahead of 2024 election
–– Joined by late-night comedians.
Trump’s stock tumbles again after Truth Social announces it’s getting into streaming
–– Pissing down back, telling you it’s raining.
Judge upholds colossal defamation verdict against Rudy Giuliani
–– Colossus of Loads.
The Kamala Harris Moment Has Arrived
–– Oops, and there it goes…
R.F.K. Jr.’s Environmental Colleagues Urge Him to Drop Presidential Bid
–– He’s like one-man Three Mile Island.
Senate Dismisses Impeachment Charges Against Mayorkas Without a Trial
–– Remind us again how much time, money House dedicated to this?
This Prosecutor Pledged to Change George Floyd’s City. Her Critics Are Circling
–– Drain.
Justice Thomas misses Supreme Court session Monday with no explanation
–– He usually does same while there.
Powell Suggests Interest Rates Could Stay High for a Longer Period
–– ‘Like me, bitches.’
Atlantic City mayor, wife charged with abusing and assaulting teenage daughter
–– AC dicey.
Former Congressman Madison Cawthorn Crashes Sports Car Into Florida State Trooper, Witness Says
–– Ready and rear-end to go.
New report estimates U.S. fraud losses exceed $233 billion annually
–– Why Fraud & Savior Trump polls so well.
Florida joins Texas in banning local heat protections for outdoor workers
–– Not cool.
NPR suspends editor who claimed left-wing bias at outlet had ‘lost America’s trust’
–– Progressive soup.
Iran’s attack seemed planned to minimize casualties while maximizing spectacle
–– All splat no cattle.
Israel weighs strike on Iran to ‘send a message’ while preserving alliance
–– Bad Yelp review way cheaper.
The Latest | World leaders urge Israel not to retaliate for the Iranian drone and missile attack
–– Jewish mothers urge, 'Don't act meshugenah, Mr. Big Shot.'
What we know about Israel's overnight attack on Iran
–– Was more sorta love tap.
With Nuclear Deal Dead, Containing Iran Grows More Fraught
–– Which far-sighted statesman killed that again?
Opinion: There’s no excuse for ‘death to America’ chants, and Dearborn agrees
–– Outside of World Cup match.
Why USC canceled its pro-Palestinian valedictorian
–– Didn’t feel like riot?
Ilhan Omar’s daughter suspended by Columbia University for Gaza protest
–– This Week in 'We'll be darned.'
China’s GDP grows 5.3% in the first quarter of 2024
–– Not draggin' tail.
Conan O’Brien says people who didn’t know who he was on new travel series are ‘not that impressed’
–– How could they be?
Drew Carey Speaks Out About Funding Writers Meals Amid Strike: “It Was the Right Thing to Do”
–– “I mean, gee, don’t thank little ol’ me. Sure, it was incredibly generous, but I don’t like to talk about it. Oh, that last bill? $67,000, but who’s counting…”
Barry Keoghan: Eyes Only for Sabrina!!! Magical Disney Date
–– Sabrina and cemetery plot he humped on Haunted Mansion tour.
Rebecca Ferguson Says Co-Stars Called Her After She Slammed the ‘Idiot’ Who Made Her Cry on Set: ‘If You’re a Good Person, Don’t Worry About It’
–– Anonymous bosh.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus Was Recognized as Her ‘Seinfeld’ Character While Giving Birth
–– Just wow.
‘Franklin’ can’t quite catch lightning with Michael Douglas as an American in Paris
–– Can go fly a kite?
‘Rust’ Armorer Sentenced to 18-Month Prison Term For Involuntary Manslaughter
–– Bullet proof.
CBS Pulls The Plug On Billy Joel At Worst Possible Moment, And Fans Are So Pissed
–– So in New York State of Mind.
‘Love Lies Bleeding’ Brussels Premiere Marred by Homophobia, Toxicity and Violence: ‘Things Spun Wildly Out of Hand’
–– Louts lie bleating.
Christie’s to Sell the Art Collection of Norman Lear
–– Any nudes to Lear at?
Zaslav Receives $50 Million for Leading Struggling Warner Bros. Discovery
–– Maxed out.
CBS Greenlights the First Black Daytime Soap Opera in 35 Years
–– Just when format is really taking off.
'Gross And Vulgar' Rob Schneider Comedy Set Reportedly Cut Short At GOP Event
–– Robmeister not makin' copies.
’Sunset Boulevard,’ Heading to Broadway, Wins Big at Olivier Award
–– Desmond toot toot.
Chris Hemsworth Failed to Convince Kevin Costner to Cast Him in a New Movie; Costner Cast Himself Instead: If I’m ‘Still Young Enough to Play It, I’ll Play It’
–– Apparently takes place in old cowboys’ home.
Brian Cox: Joaquin Phoenix Was ‘Truly Terrible’ in ‘Napoleon’ and ‘I Would Have Played It a Lot Better
–– Napoleon so low.
Cats Are Finally Having a Big Hollywood Meow-Ment
–– Excuse us while we spit up fur ball.
Grimes Faces ‘Major Technical Difficulties’ During Coachella 2024 Set: ‘Don’t Judge Me for Being Bad at Calculating Things’
–– Like your lack of talent?
Nelly Furtado falls on stage at Coachella while performing 'Eat Your Man'
–– And trying to drop to knees.
Richard Gere Reveals His Son Homer, 24, 'Doesn't Understand' His Father's Level of Fame
–– We never did either.
Giancarlo Esposito Was So Broke Before 'Breaking Bad' That He Considered Arranging His Own Murder So His Kids Could Get His Life Insurance Money
–– Better plot than anything he’s been in.
Sydney Sweeney Responds to Producer Who Said She ‘Can’t Act’: ‘How Sad’ and ‘Shameful’
–– So why no lessons, Sydney?
A.I. Made These Movies Sharper. Critics Say It Ruined Them.
–– Couldn’t make True Lies any dumber.
John Cleese's cancel culture special has reportedly been canceled
–– How delicious for you, Gen Z scold.
‘Civil War’ Sound Editor on Balancing A24 Movie’s “Oppressive” Battle Noise With Abrupt Silence
–– And ridiculous dialogue.
King Charles Says He Was ‘Reduced to Tears’ Hearing Prince William Talk About His Royal Future
–– Wanted to start job next week.
Queen Camilla Stuns in Leopard Print During Her Return to Royal Duties
–– Was carrying matching phaser pistol.
Prince Harry Renounces His British Residency, Says America Is His Home
–– America, ‘Um, Harry, we were meaning to talk to you about that…’
Why The Masters’ oldest caddie is carrying more than a bag this week
–– Nut sack’s hanging past knees.
Nike’s US women’s Olympic team outfits criticized for being ‘born of patriarchal forces’
–– And lycra.
Will the French Olympic Team Be Best Dressed at the Opening Ceremony?
–– If other teams wear clown costumes.
On a trip to Korea, I rediscovered myself in the food
–– But not my ability to draw.
Why Scotland’s ‘ghost’ whisky distilleries are coming back to life
–– All the dead drunk Scots.
To Fight ‘Shrinkflation,’ France Will Force Retailers to Warn Shoppers
–– Not to dip lower extremities into cold water.
Haiku Stairs: Hawaii attraction to be removed following bad tourist behavior
–– Blame TikTok hodads:
To stop kooky web surfers
Go out and hang ten
Melatonin industry asked to voluntarily tighten standards after dramatic rise in childhood ER visits
–– Wake up and smell coffee.
I’m an ex-Mormon — here’s why members of my former church look alike
–– And husbands call wives ‘sister.’
I’m Dying to Have a Threesome With Two Men. Why Does Every Attempt Fall Apart in the Same Way?
–– Throuple in mind.
Lessons From a 20-Person Polycule
–– Poly want a crack.
What Menopause Does to Your Vagina––and What You Can Do About It
–– With photos!
6-Foot-Wide 'Skinny Home' Hits the Market for Under $600K in Washington, D.C.: Look Inside (Exclusive)
–– Should be under $600.
It’s Not Just a Wedding Cake, It’s ‘Edible Haute Couture’
–– Bite me.
Trader Joe's recalls basil linked to 12 salmonella infections in 7 states
–– Created pestolence.
Sheetz accused of racial discrimination in its hiring process
–– Read rap Sheetz.
‘I Don’t Think of Myself as Rich’: The Americans Crossing Biden’s $400,000 Tax Line
–– Point of law is to confirm your perception, Mr. Moneybags.
More people are working well past retirement age. It’s not easy
–– But it says they’re working well.
Boeing whistleblower tells Congress he was 'told effectively to shut up' as he voiced concerns. Here’s a timeline of the company’s latest problems.
–– Maybe not so effectively.
To make sure grandmas like his don't get conned, he scams the scammers
–– Then rips off grannies himself.
Helicopters race to rescue over 170 people trapped in cable car
–– By Jaws!
Vile moment NC elementary school volunteer caught upskirting customer in Target
–– Anus predator.
Florida man accused of beating girlfriend's 5-year-old son for watching 'PAW Patrol': report
–– PAW excuse.
A Boston police officer’s body was found two years ago in a snowy yard. Now his girlfriend goes on trial for murder
–– Real ice queen.
Okla. Fisherman Who Thought Friend Was Trying to Feed Him to Bigfoot Convicted of Murder
–– Yeti relieved his role in plot not revealed.
“Unabomber” Ted Kaczynski had late-stage rectal cancer and was "depressed" before prison suicide, autopsy says
–– In explosive new report.
Elephant escapes circus, roams streets of Montana
–– Steals cowboy boots, 100-gallon hat.
No ‘Hippie Ape’: Bonobos Are Often Aggressive, Study Finds
–– Will beat rivals with love beads.
Sea creature — with 170 eyes — found lurking under rock in China. It’s a new species
–– Didn’t see it coming.
For the first time in one billion years, two lifeforms truly merged into one organism
–– And chose pronouns He, She, It.
Scientists push new paradigm of animal consciousness, saying even insects may be sentient
–– Theory from bugbrains.
Bizarre case of Peru alien mummies takes another turn as officials raid ‘pregnant specimen’ press conference
–– Were they expecting?
Met Museum Returns Ancient Sumerian Statue to Iraq
–– Iraq expected to sell to private collector for arms.
The 18th-Century Baron Who Lent His Name to Munchausen Syndrome
–– And wants it back!
Buckle ‘shot off Cameron Clan chief at Culloden’ uncovered
–– Quashbuckler.
Desert city of Dubai floods as UAE hit by heaviest rainfall in 75 years
–– Cloudy with a chance of felafels.
E.P.A. Will Make Polluters Pay to Clean Up Two ‘Forever Chemicals’
–– For now.
Staggering quantities of energy transition metals are winding up in the garbage bin
–– If we had nickel for every battery…
Aaron Rodgers Sparks Outrage After Outlandish Claims About U.S. Government, Dr. Anthony Fauci Creating HIV/AIDS
–– Sack of shit.
OJ Simpson was chilling with a beer on a couch before Easter, lawyer says. 2 weeks later he was dead
–– That’s just way we’ll want to remember him.
What Happened to Damages That O.J. Simpson Owed to the Victims’ Families?
–– Cut like Ron Goldman.
OJ Simpson did not die surrounded by loved ones, says lawyer
–– Knife by bedside scared away.
Don Wright, editorial cartoonist with a piercing pen, dies at 90
–– Wright stuffed.
Dickey Betts, Allman Brothers Guitarist, Dies at 80
— All Betts are off.
