Barrel Rolled
Week of 05/29/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Iran Talks Bog Down Over Nuclear Program and Sanctions Relief
–– Y’know, the little stuff.
JD Vance Refuses to Compare Trump to Jesus
–– How about Barabbas?
Senator Booker on emerging Iran Deal: "Donald Trump is being played as a fool."
–– As fool should be.
US will need years to replenish stockpiles of advanced weapons used in Iran war, new analysis finds
–– Can't just buy back from Israel?
Defiant After Bad Week, Trump Pushes Ahead on Politically Unpopular Idea
–– Can you called cracked-brain impulses ‘ideas’?
Donald Trump’s $1.8 Billion ‘Anti-Weaponization Fund’ Halted in Legal Blow
–– After being announced by Acting AG Blanche on illegal blow.
Trump Is the Only Person Who Can Save America, According to His Cabinet
–– Suffering cabin nuts fever.
Trump faces health questions ahead of another Walter Reed trip
–– After which America will face health lies.
CNN Doctor Flat-Out Says Trump Has ‘Severe Daytime Somnolence’ in Stunning On-Air Diagnosis: ‘He Falls Asleep Very Often’
–– He’s like ‘Grumpy Dopey Sleepy’, ‘Drowse Con 5’, 'Human Barbital.'
Physician Blasts ‘Performative and Nonsensical’ Claims About Trump, 79
–– You mean he may not be ‘the sharpest, most accessible, and energetic president in American history?’
Vomiting virus is spreading across most of the U.S.
–– Stop reading White House press releases immediately.
Mullin plan to punish sanctuary jurisdictions by targeting their airports faces fierce headwinds
–– Like Piper Cub in gale.
ICE agent charged in shooting of Venezuelan immigrant during Operation Metro Surge arrested in Texas
–– Surge and destroy.
Donald Trump is working to protect himself from being prosecuted once he leaves office
–– Has lawyers negotiating with Satan for first-class fire pit.
Americans Are Falling Behind on Their $1.25 Trillion Credit-Card Bill
–– This week in ‘well, I’ll be darned.’
Nancy Pelosi caught heat for $59M in trades over 3 years. Trump just disclosed up to $750M in 3 months.
–– Arse and graft.
Oral arguments are taking forever. Supreme Court justices have had enough
–– Conservatives will just wait from instructions from White House.
Cornyn’s Defeat Fuels Tensions With President Trump in Senate G.O.P.
–– They have icky feeling in tum-tums.
No-bid contract for Reflecting Pool reportedly shows inflated profit margin
–– Skimming off surface.
Judge says Trump can’t add his name to Kennedy Center and blocks planned closure
–– Try to calculate time, money wasted in courts due to his malignant hubris.
‘The thing I do best in life is build’: How Trump has made construction his second job as president
–– Just demo part.
AGA UFC Head Admits White House Fight Could Hurt Trump
–– Please put him in ring!
Dana White says Trump can’t be racist as he was friends with Michael Jackson
–– Doesn’t that just mean he can’t be anti-pedophile?
Stephen Miller Calls James Talarico the Democrats’ “First Transgender Senate Candidate"
–– From Republicans’ first transspecies Homeland Security Advisor.
As inflation worsens, Stephen Miller says Trump is building an ‘extraordinary paradise'
–– Eden rot.
Trump admin planning to potentially put president’s image on commemorative $250 bill
–– Semiwincecentennial.
Trump Clears Way for Corporate Tax Dodge Hidden in the Fine Print
–– C'mon, what's $40 bil to Uncle Sam?
Bettina Anderson floated a White House wedding to Donald Trump Jr. She’ll get an island ceremony instead
–– Suggestion sunk like Jr. dump?
Donald Trump Jr. and Bettina Anderson Celebrate Marriage With Bahamas Wedding Ceremony
–– Ever sentimentalist, wanted to be near tax shelter.
Jill Biden says she worried Joe Biden was having a stroke during 2024 debate
–– This week in ‘really helpful comments.’
Paxton crushes Cornyn in Senate primary in a big win for MAGA
–– And fans of securities fraud, impeachment, infidelity.
LA mayor candidate Spencer Pratt distances himself from past 9/11 conspiracy comments, says he was ‘young and naive’
–– Now just middle-aged and stupid.
Dennis Quaid throws support behind Spencer Pratt for LA mayor with blunt message
–– ‘I am as big a clown as my brother Randy,’
Jared Polis’s ‘election denier’ clemency was an act of statesmanship
–– Whereas Trump would've demanded life sentence.
Absent Congressman Calls Allies, but Stops Short of Public Appearance
–– Tom Kean Jr. still struggling with effects of lycanthropy.
A Ukrainian crew said its Italian tank gun hit a house that was 120 football fields a
–– But it’s in shop every other week.
Trump threatens to ‘blow up’ another sovereign nation in off-the-cuff Cabinet meeting remark
–– Another bad Oman?
Lebanese Resigned to a Long War, Even if U.S. and Iran Make a Deal
–– Factoring in Netanyahu’s bloodlust.
Pope Leo Warns of Risks From A.I. in 42,300-Word Encyclical
–– Alexa, please summarize.
NPR’s newsroom shrinks through buyouts and layoffs
–– Mourning Edition.
CBS News Boots Sharyn Alfonsi Off '60 Minutes' After She Tangled With Bari Weiss Over Story
–– Alfonsi, 'Sit on it!'
‘60 Minutes’ Future Won’t Look Like Its Past. New Chief Nick Bilton May Try “Gonzo Journalism”
–– Hiring Muppet?
What Makes ‘The Great American Baking Show’ So Addictive? Paul Hollywood, Prue Leith, Andrew Rannells and Casey Wilson Have an Idea
–– Even while muffin' it?
How Robert De Niro, Nick Nolte, and Jessica Lange influenced Javier Bardem, Amy Adams, and Patrick Wilson in 'Cape Fear'
–– Or how Robert Mitchum, Gregory Peck and Polly Bergen should have.
America’s Favorite Comedian Wants to Be the Next Walt Disney –– and He’s Not Jokng
–– Bargatze’s never funny so hard to tell.
Rotta the Hutt is actually the worst 'Star Wars' character ever
–– And we heard he studied at RADA.
Brandi Glanville believes she contracted 'sexually transmitted ringworm' in her throat
–– News you can use!
Bianca Censori’s Microshorts Is a Step Too Far in Boldness for a Date Night
–– Is they?
Kate Mansi to Exit ‘General Hospital’ After Three Years
–– Woke from coma? Released from jail? Returned from dead?
Stephen Colbert’s Time Slot Replacement Byron Allen Insists There Will Be ‘No Politics’ on His Late-Night Show
–– So laughs are ‘political?’
Stephen Colbert’s Late Show replacement is a depressing sign of the times
–– Of any times.
Ania Magliano Breaks Out: The ‘SNL U.K.’ Star on Hosting ‘Weekend Update,’ Risky Jokes and Wanting to Be Like Tina Fey ‘When I Grow Up’
–– We have cream for that.
Stan Lee ‘Returns’ Under AI Pact: ElevenLabs Licenses Marvel Legend’s Voice and Likeness
–– What a revoltin' development!
Dolph Lundgren Talks ‘Passing the Sword Over’ to Nicholas Galiyzine Nearly 40 Years After Originating He-Man
–– Needed help lifting it.
Nicolas Cage Reveals He Legally Changed His Name Rather Than Be 'the Clown Cousin' of Coppola Family
–– Doing prat falls in own circus.
How Mamie Van Doren narrowly avoided being stranded at sea with dead lover's 'decomposed' body
–– Like on average Carnival Cruise.
Susan Boyle reveals a new look for her 'new era' − See the photos
–– Boyle in bag.
Paul McCartney Reveals Who Was — and Who 'Currently' Is — His Favorite Beatle
–– Stu Sutcliffe ‘chuffed’ in Beyond.
“It Was a Fantasy Wet Dream”: John Badham on the Wild Making of ‘Saturday Night Fever’
–– As opposed to reality one?
'Supergirl' pre-release tracking looks disastrously bad for Hollywood after lead actress' bizarre comments
–– Tripped on Krypton.
‘I only had a few seconds’: How photographer’s shot of Kate Moss went down in history
–– ‘History’ where someone gives f**k about this.
Megan Thee Stallion Defamation Judgment Reinstated Against Blogger Milagro Gramz
–– We popped hemmy trying to give s**t.
Paul Simon Says Elvis’ Career After 1957 Was ‘an Incredible Waste of Great Talent’
–– Slip Sliding’ Away?
How I’m Wrestling With Miles Davis’s Complicated Legacy as Artist—and Abuser
–– You brave apologist, you.
Prince William struggles 'most evenings' as Kate Middleton fills their bedroom with surprising obstacles
–– No idea you could borrow medieval chastity belts from British Museum.
Sting Blames Deindustrialization for Rise in Toxic Masculinity: ‘We’ve Lost That Direction for Our Energy, That Male Strength’
–– That’s gotta sting.
What will the White House bathroom situation be like at UFC Freedom 250?
–– As nation pisses all over self.
Bret Michaels Is Fifth Act to Pull Out of ‘Freedom 250’ in D.C., Citing ‘Threats and Safety Concerns’ as Trump-Backed Shows ‘Evolved Into Something Divisive’
–– Like nation, devolved.
Martina McBride Drops Out of Freedom 250 Concert Series: “Turned Out to Be Misleading”
–– Precisely what Trump’s been doing.
Is Milli Vanilli Playing 'Freedom 250' or Not? It Depends Which of the Two Competing 'Real' Milli Vanillis You Ask … but Fab Morvan Says He's Doing It
–– Kids birthday party he booked fell through.
Naomi Osaka dazzles with eye-catching ‘Eiffel Tower’ inspired outfit to kick off French Open campaign
–– Tour de farce.
Pattie Gonia Is Beefing With Patagonia
–– Pattie O’Furniture is feuding with my backyard chaise longue.
Patti LaBelle Had 'No Clue' What 'Lady Marmalade' Was About Until She Got 'Complaints from Nuns'
–– And preservers.
Meet Hilma af Klint, the Occultist Who Believed Otherworldly Spirits Told Her What to Paint. Now, She's Considered One of History's First Abstract Artists
–– Looks af-baked.
Red State Tries To Force College Students To Take ‘Freedom’ Courses
–– For easy a-holes.
Lululemon’s founder promises not to trash the company—for 18 months
–– And that’s stretch.
‘Wasians’ are embracing the spotlight. Not everyone feels seen
–– Wasian away?
Nearly 1.2 billion people worldwide are living with mental disorders. The number has been growing
–– Still seems low on average news day.
5 ways daily cannabis use can affect your body and mind
–– 1. Makes it impossible to feel either.
The Testosterone Moment Is Here. And Men May Never Look the Same
–– And yes, they’re happy to see you.
Psychology says people who are kind but have no close friends often spent decades as the one everyone called in a crisis, and the loneliness they carry now isn’t about having no one to talk to, it’s about having no one who calls back
–– This week in 'sparing us from reading more drivel.’
A reliable neck fan is a must as it gets hotter outside. Here are the two you should buy this season
–– We’re big fans of necks, but can’t be bought.
Best water flossers of 2026, tried and tested
–– By Cartesian Flossophers.
The Only Way You Should Reheat Pizza, According to THE Pizza Expert
–– What it actually reads on business card.
McDonald’s Is Repurposing Its Pickle Brine In The Wildest Way Possible
–– To treat Ronald’s corns.
The Chicago 1930s Hot Dog Stand That Sold 'Depression Sandwiches' For 5 Cents Is Still Around Today
–– Overloaded, messy dog depressing as ever.
Why the U.S. cattle herd is at a 75-year low — and what it means for beef prices
–– Nothing to low about.
I Found It: the Best Free Restaurant Bread in America
–– See, I have two loaves inside my jacket.
We Finally Know Why Chick-Fil-A's Milkshakes Taste So Good
–– Blood of cows.
Vintage photos show what it was like to eat at McDoanld’s in the 1980s
–– See that kid doubled-over, vomiting in parking lot next to Camaro?
Staggering dip in US tourism is a troubling sign for the future
–– Due to staggering dip in Oval Office.
Fish Sleep a Lot Like Us. (They Even Nap.)
–– And you stink, too.
Do snakes eat each other?
–– For cash?
This venomous pit viper snake has been hiding a secret…
–– Takes victims way longer to die than advertised.
“The pain is said to be excruciating and victims may also experience paralysis, difficulty breathing and cardiac arrest..."
–– Why we avoid Spanx.
Inside the effort to save one of America’s most imperiled salamanders
–– Just one?
Rare Przewalski’s horse born in New York
–– Better be rare, we sprained tongue trying to pronounce.
Why did T. rex have tiny arms? A new study may finally have the answer
–– So he'd stop picking nose.
A 4,500-Year-Old Neolithic Hall Replica Rises at Stonehenge as Archaeologists and Volunteers Build With Prehistoric Tools and Techniques
–– Hoping to book Spinal Tap when complete.
A thousand years ago, the Vikings had a shock encounter with Native Americans that ended in disaster
–– Walked in on vision quest.
Inca child mummy returned to indigenous community in Argentina
–– Wrapscallion.
Archaeologists Dug Into an 800-Year-Old Toilet and Pulled Out a Marvel of Natural Preservation
–– From turdteen hundreds.
Archaeologists Discovered a Mysterious Ancient Tunnel System. They Can’t Explain It.
–– Don't dig.
An astronaut suddenly couldn’t speak in space. What does that mean for future missions?
–– Peace, quiet.
Scientists Drilled 1,300 Feet Below the Atlantic Seafloor — and Found a Massive Freshwater Reservoir
–– Sending down buckets to retrieve.
Rising seas will swallow New Orleans. People need to start relocating now, scientists say
–– Fake news! Biggest hoax of all tim…’glub’, ’glub’, ‘glub’…
John McClain, Co-Executor of Michael Jackson Estate and Longtime Music Executive, Dies at 71
–– Die hard?
Charles Cioffi, Actor in 'Shaft,' 'Get Christie Love!' and 'The X-Files,' Dies at 90
–– Acts out.
Marcia Lucas, Oscar-Winning ‘Star Wars’ Editor, Dies at 80
–– Wiped.
