Farced Labor
Week of 07/24/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
A defiant Trump imposes replacement tariffs on biggest U.S. trading partners
–– Presumably even less legal than IEEPA version.
The real reason voters everywhere are furious
–– They’re conscious?
Trump accused of using forced labor as ‘convenient’ justification for tariffs
–– In latest slang for ‘daft.’
House votes to limit Trump on Iran; Senate fails to advance similar measure
–– Dickless in DC.
House GOP advances $95 billion plan to fund Iran war and SAVE America Act
–– Should mint enough pennies to stack $95 bil high to illustrate to world maximum achievable height of stupidity.
Nearly 100 U.S. troops injured in last two weeks of Iran war, Pentagon says
–– Keeping pace with oil prices.
Senate GOP expresses concern over Iran endgame after Hegseth hearing
–– Should be worried by every phase of game.
Tom Homan warns ICE surge coming to New York City as Mamdani boasts about sanctuary status
–– Will melt like Coney Island shaved ice in August.
More testosterone won’t make a better soldier or a tougher man – aggression and strength drive T levels, not the other way around
–– Like getting Hegseth to eat brains.
Trump bombed at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner — and proved its point
–– Not bombed in right way.
Exclusive: Roza Gilles was an 18-year-old model when Jeffrey Epstein first abused her — while he was serving jail time
–– Did he buy her matching ankle bracelet?
Model recruiter who introduced young women to Jeffrey Epstein found dead in France
–– We wouldn't call model behavior.
Education Dept. eliminates tool used to prove racial discrimination
–– Kept going off when anywhere near Secretary McMahon.
RFK Jr says source of cyclospora outbreak identified, declares parasite outbreak 'under control'
–– After agency shit bed.
CDC expands largest known U.S. cyclospora outbreak to 9 states
–– Not even colons ‘under control.'
US measles cases reach 35-year high, for second record-breaking year in a row
–– MAHA vax recommendations ‘spot on’ –– child's face, body.
FDA panel narrowly backs unapproved peptide drug touted by Joe Rogan and other influencers
–– Is peptide turning?
Peptide boom has states scrambling to protect consumers, Post investigation finds
–– Part of RFK Jr.'s pap tide.
Trump orders signage warning visitors of ‘inaccurate information’ at Smithsonian
–– From Pasha of Prevarication.
Trump’s plan to paint the Eisenhower could damage the stone — and the law
–– Dwight-washing?
John Thune Snipes At Karoline Leavitt After She Warns Trump's 'Patience Is Running Out’
–– His supply of patience like single-square toilet roll.
Maine Democratic Senate frontrunner faces scrutiny over alleged anger outbursts
–– Wouldn’t you want someone who’s willing to scream at idiots in state legislature?
Hunter Biden Unloads on CNN’s Journalist With ‘Utter A—hole’ Remark
–– Toes Tapper.
Hunter Biden's Claim About A "Closeted Gay Mafia" In Washington Is Going Viral
–– Criticized by Trump’s ‘Out MAGA Mafia.’
Joe Manchin reenters the political orbit with a new independent experiment
–– Album of Indigo Girls covers.
‘Shark Tank’ Star Kevin O’Leary Sued After Claiming Data Center Critics Had Connections to China
–– Mr. Blunderful.
Fate of ICC chief prosecutor heads to unprecedented vote as US sanctions keep him out of New York
–– Ailing career in ICCU.
Trump adds condition to Saudi nuclear deal: Normalizing relations with Israel
–– And kill more journalists.
Trump Vows Netanyahu Won't Be Arrested After Tuberville: Mamdani will do something 'stupid' enough to 'send him to Gitmo'
–– Tuberville sucking up all stupid energy, redirecting to Alabama.
–– By Times Square Batman.
‘Up in smoke’: Attacks on ‘Russia’s Amazon’ bring Putin’s war closer to home
–– With same-day delivery.
Putin Humiliated as Drones Set Russia’s Amazon Ablaze in Moscow
–– Will need to order shoe lifts from Yuri's Short-and-Tall Despot Depot.
Rep. Lauren Boebert Claims Moon Landing Was ‘Done in an Amazon Warehouse’ Before Correcting Herself
–– Remembered it was last century, amended to 'in a Russian Amazon warehouse.'
Ukraine has gone from accepting just about any old weapon to showing Western militaries how modern war is fought
–– And will drone on and on about it.
Lavrov tells Rubio 'unacceptable' for US to continue arms sales to Kyiv
–– Sec. of State removed gag ball from mouth long enough to reply, 'Yes, Master.’
Trump to impose new tariffs on Canadian exports citing disputes over auto, dairy and alcohol
–– Whose looney now?
Trump downplays Chinese election interference five days after describing breach of historic proportions
–– We'd be impressed if he'd actually remembered own televised speech for five days, but merely forgot to contradict self sooner.
Sex work or starve: Aid workers in Nepal left jobless by USAID cuts turn to sex work to survive
–– Doing it DOGEy-style.
Elon Musk says he got ‘carried away’ with Trump – but still holds on to contentious political views
–– What kind of discernment do you expect from guy who greenlit Cybertruck?
Paramount & Warner Bros. Merger Officially Paused for Surprising Reason
–– Private company shouldn’t have debt greater than Samoa’s.
Fired ‘60 Minutes’ Correspondent Says She Was Pushed to Report on Events ‘That Never Happened’ Under Bari Weiss’ Leadership at CBS News
–– Probably, but isn't 50% of network news speculation, exaggeration?
Ed Harris Slams His ‘Dutton Ranch’ Role: “Get Me the F*** Out of Here”
–– That’s what we said when we accidentally tuned in.
Neill Blomkamp Is Making It Look Like AI Is the Last Resort for Filmmakers With Failing Careers
–– Slop to it.
Matt Damon says wearing sandals in “The Odyssey ”action scenes caused him back pain: ‘It was a heavy Advil movie’
–– For audience, too.
‘Seinfeld’ Star Jason Alexander Apologizes to Courtney Stodden for Filming ‘Inappropriate’ Sketch When She Was a Minor: ‘I Truly Regret It’
–– What did her 52-year-old husband think of it?
This ‘Friends’ Star Quietly Walked Away From Hollywood—Now He Turns 59
–– Not like Hollywood noisily trotted after LeBlanc.
Tom Holland Is Filming Fred Astaire Biopic Next and Plans to ‘Do All of the Dancing’ Himself: ‘I’ve Got So Much Work to Do’
–– Already has asexual charm down pat.
Tom Holland Says This Is The Worst American Food—And He’s Never Even Tried It
–– Spider-Man hates House Fly?
67 Years Ago Today: 'The Worst Film Ever Made' Was Released
–– Is it 2089 already?
Sharon Stone Says When She Stopped Smoking Weed and Taking Her Stroke Medication It Was ‘Like Going Off F---ing Heroin’
–– Smacks of self-obsession.
33 Years Ago Today: ‘Saturday Night Live’ Released its First Box Office Flop
–– Beginning longest such stretch in film history.
Quote Of The Day By Alfred Hitchcock: 'Always Make The Audience Suffer As Much as Possible’
–– Which was always Lorne Michaels' unstated goal.
The 'Clayface' scissors scene where even the crew looked away
–– No one yelled ‘Cut?’
Audrey Hepburn Sent Her Son to Boarding School Thinking Her Husband Was Nearly Kidnapped. Years Later, the Truth Came Out
–– Beaten by thugs of mobster whose wife he slept with, ended up with Funny Face.
John Mayer on Why He Keeps Quietly Funding Brain Research Studies
–– We would never have guessed in million years unless we saw this huge headline.
Journey star Jonathan Cain demands Bruce Springsteen 'shut up,' act like he was born in the USA
–– Don't stop beleagurin'.
‘Weird Al’ Yankovic Turned Down Million-Dollar Offer to Perform in Saudi Arabia: ‘I Don’t Need to Take Any Money if It Makes Me Feel Icky’
–– Like these witless whores?
The Beach Boys Pull Remaining Summer Concert Dates to ‘Recharge’
–– Bury feet - and Mike Love - in sand.
‘Intolerable, unacceptable’ – Spain head coach blasts Argentina behaviour after World Cup final
–– Talk about sore winner.
This New Jersey pizza shop fed the World Cup winning team
–– Only out-of-towners would order pies from Bagels by Jarrett.
82,000 Argentina fans sign petition calling for World Cup Final replay over referee controversy
–– Buenos airheads.
LeBron picks 76ers as 'last decision,' to sign 2-year, $8M deal
–– Takes Philly cheese stake.
5 truths about retirement that retirees wish they’d known sooner
–– 5) Star athletes never do it soon enough. 4) You should enjoy now, kids won't receive Social Security until 85. 3) Mah Jongg is only slightly less embarrassing than pickleball. 2) Every other retiree's health is worse than yours. 1) You are 100 paces nearer grave.
Wacky, Mysterious Paintings by This Surrealist Still Influence Contemporary Artists. An Exhibition in London Will Explore the Legacy of René Magritte
–– Wacky? Magritte known as Gallagher of Surrealists.
‘What is a crotch harness?’ Republican grills Smithsonian official over LGBT exhibit
–– Anything that would secure this dick.
A Turkish governor is sacked over photos in snug cycling shorts. Many want him reinstated
–– With a crotch harness.
My Recently Widowed Mother Has Become Seriously Unhygienic. Help!
–– We can smell her from here.
5 Turn-Ons That Sound Strange Until You Know the Psychology Behind Them
–– 5. Paper clips, 4. Lint, 3. Baby Shark, 2. Fiberglass, 1. Earwigs.
Fruit pouches recalled over potential plastic contamination
–– Experts fear polymers might limit toxic effect of additives.
Does One Moldy Blueberry Ruin The Entire Pint? Experts Weigh In
–– From the ER.
Hot Dog on a Stick comeback roadmap: New owner, rapid expansion and lobster—on a stick
–– Listeria on a stick.
The truth about the famous 'worm' in the alcoholic drink mezcal is a lot stranger than you think
–– Used to live in RFK Jr.’s head.
Could Potatoes Have Changed the Way Humans Digest Starch? Scientists Think So
–– But they missed opportunity when Ireland decimated world supply.
I Tried McDonald's New Honey Brown Butter Biscuit, and It Baffled Me
–– But I’m not that smart.
This Beloved Raw Bar On Florida's Forgotten Coast Still Operates On The Honor System
–– Shelling out?
Yes, Pickles Can Go Bad—Here’s How To Tell When It’s Time To Toss Them
–– When you find them in bed with your sister.
Could I sleep deeply on a bus with lie-flat seats? I tried in Europe.
–– Maybe after 2 bottles of wine.
A Florida Boat Captain and Crew Discovered a Bottle Floating in the Water. What Was Inside Left Them Speechless
–– A genie who refused to grant any wishes.
St. Bart’s Was Ruined By the People Who Say St. Bart’s Is Ruined
–– Bart's and wreck.
Hawaii Real Estate Developer Pounded By The Uniform Public Expression Protection Act In Hu
–– Wha?
Massachusetts whaling museum turns 1-star review into hilarious merch: ‘Worst aquarium ever’
–– Like something out of Harvard Harpoon.
Evangelists say they are heeding a biblical command to preach on flights
–– Passengers say they are heeding base instincts to beat them senseless.
Meet the 5-pound ambassador who works in crisis intervention at Union Station
–– Our crisis is yen for pork chops.
Lost at Sea, the Pan Am Clipper Endeavor Is Found After Over 70 Years
–– Luggage scheduled to arrive in 2046.
Shelter Dog Lays Quietly in Kennel, Losing All Hope of Ever Finding a Home
–– Offering example to whiny orphans.
Dog Keeps Sneaking Into Baby’s Nursery With One Clear Motive in Mind
–– Dinner.
Burmese pythons have new foothold outside Everglades. Who won 2025 hunt
–– We’re still trying to picture snake’s foot.
“To rip off the tail only took a minute…" Insane, gobsmacking drone footage captures gigantic shark eating another shark in Florida
–– Where's Syfy movie Sharkannibal?
“Their stonking size led to rumours that they can snap shut in an instant, trapping poor divers who snuck their arm inside to steal a pearl…"
–– In reality, they make for world's longest clam strips.
Entire Human Populations Vanished 3,000 Years Ago. Scientists Figured Out Where They Went.
–– Disney World!
Space datacenters proposed by Musk and Bezos ‘catastrophic’ for planet, experts warn
–– As long as they land here if they plunge from orbit.
Spain and France battle raging wildfires as at least 250,000 people forced to flee
–– Global warming hoax acquires continental accent.
Zale Parry, Pioneering Scuba Diver and ‘Sea Hunt’ Actress, Dies at 93
–– Deep-sixed.
Freddy Cannon, Rocker Whose Late '50s and Early '60s Hits Included 'Palisades Park' and 'Tallahassee Lassie,' Dies at 89
–– Blown away.
