Hormuz Tracks
Week of 08/28/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Iran urges other nations not to join new US sanctions, mediators focus on reopening strait
–– Tankers away?
Trump looks to ease beef processing regulations
–– Steers clear?
Iran Is Using Foreign Criminals To Attack Its Critics Overseas
–– US uses domestic variety.
These Tanks Can Hold 90 Million Barrels of Oil. They Have Just 22 Million.
–– Slippery bastards.
Ontario’s premier: Canada should be ready to cut electricity, critical minerals as trade woes worsen
–– No more Mr. Polite Guy.
“Most Stupid Trade Fight in History”: U.S. & Canadian Workers Stand to Lose in Trump’s New Tariff War
–– Trump will need own edition of Gormless Book of World Records.
U.S.-Canada breakdown shows limits of Trump’s aggressive trade strategy
–– See above.
Trump floats renaming Lake Ontario to ‘Lake America’ as feud with Canada escalates
–– Another turd in punch bowl.
Hillary Clinton says Republicans ‘secretly cheering’ for Mark Carney amid US-Canada trade
–– Hoping McKenzie brothers kick Don Jr., Eric's asses.
Doctors say Trump’s weight poses a significant health risk
–– And considerable source of amusement.
Trump plans to grow his way out of $40 trillion debt crisis—it’s a ‘fantastic story’ but virtually impossible, says top budget economist
–– Will grow his way out of pants first.
Federal judge says Trump discussing payoff to Stormy Daniels isn’t an official presidential action
–– No, but on equivalent moral plane with 90% of those.
Hegseth rages as Army makes U-turn on standards to screen out ‘stupid’ cadets: report
–– He loves dumb-dumbs!
Kid Rock Apache Helicopter Stunt May Have Cost a Four-Star General His Job
–– Loses whirly gig?
Secret White House bunker undercuts Trump’s ballroom lawsuit, ex-officials say
–– That, Constitutional Law and reality.
Thousands march in Washington as leaders warn of voting and civil rights rollbacks
–– If only Great American State Fair still open.
Judge Allows Postal Service Effort to Restrict Mail Voting, for Now
–– Not forever stamp of approval?
Postal Service publishes mail-in voting rule despite court injunctions
–– Amusingly targets old folks who actually mail stuff, vote Republican.
Donald Trump's 'extremely close' aide Natalie Harp pictured sprinting after his golf cart in Scotland
–– Toner for 'human printer'?
Deleted tweets show Natalie Harp’s zealous support of Trump on January 6
–– 'Fight for Trump' tats in place only 'Savior' can see.
Conservative CEO Stuns CNN Guests By Claiming Natalie Harp Should Be 'The Poster Child' For Feminists
–– Fembots, maybe.
Karoline Leavitt, 29, praises 'angel' husband, 60, as she reflects on her decision to quit White House job
–– Who she prays leaves money, co-parents from Heaven.
Father of sailor aboard USS Lincoln detained by immigration authorities, family says
––Aye, aye-yai-yai.
Trump’s former Border Patrol commander now claims Trump administration wants him dead
–– In Bovino veritas?
Milo Yiannopoulos arrested by ICE, held at major deportation hub in Louisiana
–– This week in ’silver linings.’
El-Sayed to Vance: If I'm "Less American" Because "Your Papaw Was Here," "How Do You Look Your Parents-in-Law in the Eye?"
–– PoorPoorly.
John Oliver Embarrasses Trump Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy Over 'Godawful' YouTube Reality Show and 'Real World' Past
–– Sean doofy.
Kennedy Center finances deteriorated sharply after Trump name change
–– Not enough patrons of the Arse?
A rift over a weed killer is dividing a pro-Trump alliance
–– Roundup the usual suspect.
Trump official faces inquiry over claims he diverted wildfire resources to his own property
–– Found ethical behavior Boren.
How a Trump Envoy Uses Vodka and Dirty Jokes to Conduct U.S. Diplomacy
–– Lump of Coale.
Trump’s Cabinet is fanning out to help juice the base. It’s not going as planned.
–– Not drinking Kool-Aid?
Donald Trump ecstasy pills spark health scare: 'These are very dangerous'
–– Leave it to Dutch to get high looking at these.
Pete Buttigieg returns to first-in-the-nation South Carolina with a fresh appeal to Black voters
–– How about all other Democrats he failed to convince in 2020?
Military trial date set for alleged mastermind of Sept. 11 attacks
–– One way to celebrate quarter-century since 9/11.
The Kremlin says the CIA director held talks in Moscow with his intelligence counterparts
–– Had to travel 5,000 miles to find equivalent level of stupidity.
C.I.A. Chief Delivered Bleak Assessment of Russia’s War in Secretive Moscow Visit
–– While bragging how Trump kicked Iran’s butt.
Russia ‘losing 6,000 more troops in Ukraine each month than it can recruit’
–– Did Ratcliffe bring Putin calculator?
A Drone Killed Three Ukrainians. It Was Guided Entirely by A.I.
–– No guilt-in-action?
Sam Altman Admits Getting AI's Timeline Wrong: ‘We've All Been Too Ambitious’
–– Buying idiot machine’s advice.
Bill Gates was an AI optimist. Now he’s scared of what could go wrong.
–– Late out of the Gates.
Washington Post Ordered To Rehire Columnist It Fired Over Charlie Kirk Posts
–– Kirk ass review.
Jeff Goldblum Reveals the Strange Way He Eats His Meals
–– First releases digestive juices to liquefy, then drinks up through mouthparts.
Whoopi Goldberg makes Anne Hathaway cry with powerful statement on ‘The View’
–– Tells weepy actress, ‘Hello.’
Why Téa Leoni and Husband Tim Daly Felt Compelled to Make New Sitcom “Newlyweds” Together
–– Two pay checks.
’A bit like meditation’: why Saw is my feelgood movie
–– Like Hacka Yoga?
New twist in OnlyFans star Lena the Plug and Adam22's divorce drama
–– Unplugged, got messy?
Kylie Jenner Reveals She Wants Bigger Boobs—Here Are the Details on Her Current Breast Augmentation
–– Teats deets?
Christopher McDonald was 'brokem' when fiancée Geena Davis left him for Jeff Goldblum
–– Pretty Fly for a white guy.
Spider-Man star's new movie bizarrely reveals it's actually a Robin Hood origin story, weeks before its release
–– Andrew Garfield's gotta love being called ‘Spider-Man star’ for clicks.
Howie Mandel’s Wife Reached Her Limit After 40 Years of Marriage: ‘I Can’t Do This’
–– If only he’d had same realization about comedy.
Reggie Watts’ Theme Song Axed From ‘Comedy Bang Bang’ Podcast After Report Alleging ‘Reckless’ Drug Use in Relationships
–– You mean guy who’s whole shtick is acting zonked-out?
‘Find a New Target’: Big Fantastic Four Star Defends Mark Ruffalo Amid Antisemitic Allegations
–– Paul Walter Hauser? Big in what sense?
Ali G Movie Backlash Intensifies in the U.K. as Campaigners Try to Get Film Pulled From Cinemas
–– Ali bah bah.
‘Housewives’ Star Jen Shah Finishes Federal Prison Sentence: “I Feel Blessed. I Feel Free”
–– Can you explain second statement?
Apple TV Hikes Price of Streaming Service in U.S. Effective Immediately
–– Triple 2019 launch price of $4.99/month? Siriously?
David Byrne feels pretty good about how things have turned out
–– Start making sense?
Kesha on Her First Lingerie Campaign as an Independent Artist: ‘My Whole Body Is Finally All Mine’
–– To exploit.
Joe Rogan Claims USAID Defunding Is Behind Hip-Hop’s Decline
–– Sure, millions went to buy dope tracks not dope vax.
Dr. Dre Says the Only People Who See AI as a Threat Are Those ‘Who Haved Trouble Creating’
–– Don’t you mean stealing, retreading?
–– What's wrong with exhibition for fascistnistas?
49ers owner Jed York reportedly arrested in Ohio
–– For 69ers play.
Study’s Alarming Finding: At Least 1 in 4 N.F.L. Players Gets Brain Disease
–– Brains look like deflated pigskins.
IndyCar races through the nation's capital at Freedom 250 Grand Prix
–– MMA, IndyCar –– what's next, dwarf-tossing lil' Founding Fathers?
Psychologists Say the Most Likeable People Aren't Funnier or Better Looking, They're Doing This
–– Constantly complimenting other boring people.
People are deadlifting away their grief. What does the science say?
–– Um, uh, you be you.
I Put These Nipple Covers To The Tank Top Test — And They’re Unlike Anything I’ve Tried
–– Missing the points?
I Took My Bush to the Beach. Did Anyone Care?
–– Not in Rio, assumedly.
The Most Optimistic People in the World, in $1,000 Yurts
–– They just look baked to us.
Jackie O’s Private Beach Is Open to All. But It’s a Hike.
–– Martyr's Vineyard.
The Spaghett Is Baltimore’s Gift to the World
–– Crabs are like, 'Bottle of Miller High Life, Aperol and lemon? Suck my gonopod!'
Culver's Fish Sandwiches Are 10X More Flavorful When You Add These 2 Toppings
–– A Filet-O-Fish, Big Fish.
’Businesses are fleeing blue states’: Arkansas Governor reacts to Buc-ee’s decision
–– Anyone with taste is fleeing Buc-ee’s.
Indian food safety officer shakes up Mumbai, one viral raid at a time
–– You can imagine how messy those stomach viruses are.
Here’s What Happens When You eat Oatmeal Every Morning, According to Registered Dietitians
–– Some bathroom reading for you.
What David Lynch Taught Alex Stupak About Cheeseburgers
–– Bloodier the better?
Research Firm’s Founder Explains $6 Million Payment to Fired Forbes Editor
–– Shook shakedown?
US academic who accused Jason Arday of plagiarism allowed to resume some work
–– Outing other Black academics.
Did the Zodiac Kill the Black Dahlia? This Crime Writer Thinks So.
–– Abetted by Hannibal Lecter?
Deep-sea scientists were filming at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, when this giant cow shark appeared
–– Mooved their asses.
“Its scarily large fangs, which are easily strong enough to bite through shoes and pierce skin, can inject venom deadly enough to cause severe illness and death"
–– Drunken vampire on his back?
It has supermodel legs, walks like a camel, hunts like a cat and – bizarrely – loves fruit. Meet one of the weirdest dogs on the planet
–– Brazil nuts.
The strange island where trees bleed, deadly cucumber trees grow and nature has evolved in ways found nowhere else on Earth
–– Was Epstein Island that freaky?
120 Roman-Era Inscriptions Found Deep in a Spanish Cave Point to a Mysterious Goddess Named ‘Domina'
–– From fan’s self-published comic book of day.
For ancient Romans, pooping was a group activity
–– Numerus secundus est societas.
Deep Inside a Spanish Cave, Roman Women May Have Worshipped a Mysterious Goddess
–– Or, y’know, didn’t.
Historical Pollution, Not Current Industrial Emissions, Damaged the World's Largest and Oldest Collection of Ancient Rock Art, Study Suggests
–– Um, uh, that's a relief?
Why Was This 17th-Century Polish Woman Buried With a Padlock on Her Toe and an Iron Sickle Across Her Neck?
–– Have you got key?
The Black Death should have been good for nature. Staggering new research reveals it was anything but
–– Plague's a prank?
Don’t drain the Colorado River. Create water instead.
–– Memo to God.
America’s Desert Metropolis Is on the Short List to Lose Water
–– What dumb animal actually migrates to arid desert?
’It’s Been Terrible’: Thousands in Indiana Remain Without Power
–– Can’t get meth labs up to speed.
Louisiana governor ‘not concerned’ about environmental impact of Gulf Coast SpaceX facility
–– Expects to clean up in bribes.
The flat-pack skyscraper: how wood can shape the cities of the future
–– Architects sporting wood.
One of the world's hottest industries is sparking a blue-collar jobs boom
–– Fox News ad for data centers.
The Dream of Quantum Computing Is Both Dead and Alive
–– The quantum of so less.
President Trump gives Artemis II moon astronauts the Congressional Space Medal of Honor
–– Throws in FIFA Star Trek Intergalactic Peace Trophy.
$900 million from a canceled wind deal will benefit a Trump donor
–– Trump makes sure everyone gets blow.
Antarctica gained 766 billion tons of ice in just 22 months
–– 7-Eleven ran special.
Floods kill more than 500 people in Nepal and Tibet, with 90 Americans among the missing
–– Imagine how much worse if global warming was real thing.
Leslie Parrish, Actress in ‘Li’l Abner’ and ‘The Manchurian Candidate,’ Dies at 90
–– Leslie perrish.
Shelley Fabares, Star of ‘The Donna Reed Show’ and ‘Coach,’ Dies at 82
–– Shelley of her former self.
Jaye P. Morgan, singer and actress banned from ‘Gong Show’ for flashing her breasts, dies at 94
–– Jaye P. Morgan chased.
Tim Curry, who found cult stardom in ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show,’ dies at 80
–– Curry out.
Tim Curry Honored by Past and Present Frank-N-Furters With “I’m Going Home” Performance
–– Which we feel pretty confident he would’ve hated.
Dolly Parton, Superstar Whose Songs Spoke to Millions, Dies at 80
–– Parton of the ways.
Dolly Parton’s Sister Stella Says Late Icon Offered to Test Experimental Drugs to Help Battle Cancer
–– Out of charity or desperation?
Nashville Airport to Be Renamed in Honor of Dolly Parton, Tennessee Governor Announces 3 Days After Her Death
–– Delay partin'?
Trump finds Way to Make Dolly Parton’s Death About Him
–– When you think big boobs…
