Duddy War Bucks
Week of 03/20/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Pentagon seeks more than $200 billion in budget request for Iran war
–– Just for victory celebration?
Iran’s Intelligence Minister Killed in an Airstrike
–– War or mass assassination?
U.S. Intelligence Saw No Change in Iran’s Missile Capabilities Before War
–– Using term Intelligence in broadest sense of word.
Top counterterrorism official Kent resigns over Trump's Iran war, says Iran posed no imminent threat
–– Unfiltered Kent.
Karoline Leavitt Says Trump Chose 'Weak on Security' Man to Lead Counterterrorism Because 'He Thought He Was a Good Guy'
–– ‘And just could not believe that wavy hair.’
Key U.S. Allies Humiliate Trump With War Call Snub
–– Ally oops.
Tulsi Gabbard stuns senator by saying it’s not her job to ‘determine what is ... an imminent threat’ to the US
–– ‘Or know meaning of this word ‘imminent.’
Trump Jokes About Pearl Harbor in Meeting With Japan’s Leader
–– Goes over like Little Boy.
Pete Hegseth hammered for bringing Jesus Christ into Iran war mess: 'Despicable'
–– God damned.
Why Little Was Done to Head Off Oil’s Strait of Hormuz Problem
–– Whore schmooze.
Rising gas prices from Iran conflict put GOP on defense after previous Biden attacks
–– Wait, this is Fox News headline?
Number of U.S. troops wounded in Iran war surpasses 200 across 7 countries
–– Hegseth needs new buckled belt for notches.
Israel urges Iranians to revolt but privately assesses they’ll be ‘slaughtered’
–– So decide to slaughter themselves.
Obama’s Iran Nuclear Deal Was Working. Trump Tore It Up.
–– The Art of the Deletion.
Trump's DHS pick Markwayne Mullin gets grilled on 'anger issues' and foreign travel
–– Admits he's been in permanent rage since first name annexednmiddle one.
Peters presses Mullin to explain past comments: ‘Where did you smell war?’
–– On his Call of Duty joystick.
Trump’s DHS pick Markwayne Mullin advances out of Senate committee after tough confirmation hearing
–– Pleased as punch.
John Fetterman saves Markwayne Mullin’s nomination to lead DHS
–– Another stroke of genius.
Some DHS contractors told White House officials they were asked to pay Corey Lewandowski
–– Can’t these idiots even grift properly?
A top FEMA official has history of violent rhetoric and said he once teleported to Waffle House
–– From Starship Enterprise!
Schumer says SAVE America Act among ‘most despicable’ bills he’s ever seen
–– No disagreement, but we'd live to have him repeat as Daffy Duck.
Following Trump, Republicans in Congress Propose to Ban Most Voting by Mail
–– And to hang Mr. ZIP by his sack until dead.
Democrats storm out of Justice Department leaders' briefing on the Epstein
–– Don't believe her word is her Bondi?
Rep. Garcia: Oversight Committee thinks ‘about half’ of the Epstein files are still held by DOJ
–– Between Bondi, Blanche's cheeks.
Missouri pastor suspended after church learns she managed Epstein’s private island
–– She claims, ‘I thought Little Saint James was religious retreat.’
Unredacted Epstein File Exposes What Trump Really Said About Pervert
–– Talking about self again?
Furious Judge Throws Trump Prosecutor Out of Courtroom in Child Porn Hearing, Orders DOJ Officials to Testify About Alina Habba’s Role
–– Without smirking.
The national debt just crossed $39 trillion—almost doubling since Trump vowed to erase it
–– It's good to be King of Debt.
Big Banks Score Win Under New Plan to Loosen Capital Rules
–– Hope to finish work of Great Recession.
‘We’re going to have a problem’: Republicans want Trump to move on from 2020
–– Rest of us want him to move on from 1920.
Trump Suggests That the Supreme Court Justices He Appointed Owe Him More Loyalty in Scathing Post About Their 'Disrespect'
–– Attempting bench press.
US Supreme Court's Roberts says personal hostility aimed at judges has 'got to stop’
–– Bangs his cavil.
Trump’s surgeon general pick now says people should get vaccinated for measles
–– Where’s vaccine for utter bullshit?
Trump sold young voters on his vision. Many are having buyer’s remorse.
–– But too stupid to have kept receipt.
Trump religious liberty commissioner says Israel views got her fired
–– In latest slang for anti-semitism.
Trump’s hand-picked panel votes to put his face on a U.S. gold coin
–– First one who smelt it, dealt it.
Judge mocks White House East Wing ‘alteration’ as a ‘brazen interpretation of the laws of vocabulary’
–– Like calling war 'excursion'?
Gigantic statues of an American icon installed on National Mall
–– Bison? We assumed it was Trump on all-fours.
Mar-a-Lago Neighbors Complain of ‘Unbearable’ Noise from Trump’s Flight Diver
–– And that’s from main cabin.
Judge permanently blocks Ten Commandments displays at several Arkansas school districts
–– Thou shalt not shill.
Musk says taxing every billionaire at 100% would barely make a dent in the national debt. Bernie says tax them 5% and you’re $3,000 richer
–– Let's test Musk's theory first.
TikTok Investors Set to Pay $10 Billion Fee to Trump Administration
–– Or 'Trump Administration, LTD'?
Crenshaw on primary defeat: GOP voters bought into ‘misinformation’
–– Or dismisinformation?
Iranian security agents allegedly raped, tortured nurses detained for treating protesters
–– Credible, Rama Dawaji?
Board approves Trump plan to close Kennedy Center for two years
–– Pledges to reopen with Trump starring in Ubu Roi.
John Oliver Cringes at Pete Hegseth Saying He Can’t Wait for David Ellison to Take Over CNN: ‘Wow, That Is Not Good’
––
Studio Profit Report: Warner Bros. and Sony Rise, Paramount Is Rebuilding
–– In latest euphemism for ‘controlled by hack Ellison.’
Paramount Not Moving Forward With ‘G.I. Joe’ Treatment From Max Landis
–– Thought Ellison loved #metooed monsters.
Warner Bros. Discovery Chief David Zaslav Celebrates Oscar Wins for ‘One Battle After Another,’ ‘Sinners’ as ‘Remarkable Moment’ in Staff Memo
–– ‘Now f**k off, I’m outta here and it’s gonna be nothing but DC IP from here on out. And maybe the occasional sequel to a classic. Like a Kubrick film… maybe Clockwork Orange II directed by Brett Ratner or Clint Eastwood’s orangutan flicks rebooted with Alex Pettyfer.’
“Golden” Songwriting Team Speaks Out Backstage After Oscars Acceptance Speech Was Cut Off
–– A "Golden" shower?
Wendi McLendon-Covey Reveals Reason For Oscar Night ‘Bridesmaids’ Reunion Absence
–– ‘Annie's Tennis Partner’ remained mum.
“Biggest Cop Out Ever”: “One Battle After Another” Director Paul Thomas Anderson Is Being Called Out For His “Spineless” Response To A Question About The Film’s Political Message
–– No PDA for PTA?
Conan O’Brien Takes On Trump With Brutal Epstein Dig In Oscars Monologue
–– One butthole after another.
Kid Rock Says Conan O’Brien’s Oscars Diss Mocking Turning Point USA’s Super Bowl Halftime Show Was ‘Not a Very Good’ Joke
–– Coming from rich joke.
Megyn Kelly Says Melania Trump’s Documentary Is Better Than Any of Its Kind
–– Other documentaries about a Knauss?
Diane Warren Vows ‘I’ll Be Back’ at Oscars, While Boasting ‘I Set a New Record Tonight!’ — as Most Nominated Person to Not Win a Competitive Academy Award
–– Wistfully hums 'Til It Happens to You.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Oscars Dress Has a “Side Butt” Revealing Slit up the Entire Side
–– Ass you like it.
Sean Penn Skipped the Oscars to Meet With President Zelenskyy in Ukraine, Who Thanks Him as a ‘True Friend’ to the Country
–– We wish these Hollywood big shots would get their priorities straight.
Labubu Live-Action Movie Lands Steven Levenson to Pen Script With Director Paul King for Sony
–– If only Robert Bolt, David Lean were still alive.
Is It a Film? Is It a Book? No, It’s a Live Cinema Experience, and It’s Called ‘Burden of Other People’s Dreams: Chapter One – Ganymede’
–– So, a joke?
Jeff Daniels Calls This Sandwich His Personal Favorite — And It's Wild
–– Sammything wild? Apologies.
Frank Miller Draws His First-Ever ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ Cover
–– Not exactly Michelangelo.
The Dead Comedian The 'Pink Panther' Star Said Was Haunting Him
–– We're bleedin' terrified.
How John Slattery, the ‘Mad Men’ Star, Does Whatever He Wants
–– However he wants?
‘The Masked Singer’ Reveals Identities of 14 Karat Carrot and Stingray: Here Are the Celebrities Under the Costumes
–– Y’know, ‘celebrities’ like Judge Mathis, Evan Ross.
‘Harlan County, USA’ Director Barbara Kopple Isn’t Done With Labor Just Yet
–– Still pregnant?
ABC Pulls ‘The Bachelorette’ Amid Taylor Frankie Paul Domestic Violence Allegations
–– Tossed like chair at boyfriend's head.
Live Nation CEO says it’s ‘disgusting’ that a top executive talked about ‘robbing fans blind’
–– ‘Our corporate policy is to use the term ‘unsighted.’’
Prince Harry Responds to Claim Queen Camilla Allegedly Said He Was ‘Brainwashed’ By Meghan Markle
–– Breaks into Scarecrow’s If I Only Had a Brain.
Prince Charles Reportedly Found Princess Diana "Very Difficult to Cope With" During Their Marriage
–– News you can use!
Sources: NFL owners set to vote on Raiders succession plan
–– And owner Mark Davis’ haircut.
Donald Trump Floats Wild ‘Statehood’ Idea For Another Country After Baseball Win
–– Wondering about statehood of his brain.
Apple CEO Tim Cook Urges Users to Get Off Their Smartphones and Spend Their Days 'in Nature'
–– Walking to Apple Store to buy more tech.
A generation of boys grew up on porn. Now, some young men want out.
–– Have to release grip.
How the Gen Z pout became armor against millennial cringe
–– Moue than a feeling?
Can you really clean things with body wash?
–– Like, um, bodies?
If You See This in Your Filet-O-Fish, Don't Panic (But OMG, Yuck!)
–– Actual, eww, fish!
At a White Castle airport kiosk, we glimpsed a bleak fast-food future
–– Sliders low inside.
Seafood restaurant to close weeks after workers vote to unionize
–– Should’ve clammed up?
What Makes a 56-Year-Old Whisky Cost $49,000? I Found Out
–– Suckers.
Cesar Chavez, a Civil Rights Icon, Is Accused of Abusing Girls for Years
–– Rapes of wrath.
Cities race to confront César Chavez’s legacy after assault claims
–– Picky, picky, picky.
Porn star Bonnie Blue charged after mimicking sex act outside Indonesian Embassy in UK
–– Blew up?
Afroman emerges victorious in ‘Lemon Pound Cake’ defamation case
–– No matter how you slice it.
DNA testing could clear a dead man’s name — and point to a serial killer
–– If you’re writing crappy CSI episode.
N.Y. man who spent 19 years in prison after buying mom a stove with stolen money order is freed
–– Heat's off?
Travis Scott Tells Supreme Court Use Of Rap Lyrics In Death Sentence Was Unconstitutional
–– Want off rap sheet?
Angry octopus caught punching big fish in South Pacific Ocean
–– Eight times!
Cannibalistic Blue Crabs Are Eating Their Younger Peers in Part of the Chesapeake Bay
–– Feeling exceptionally crabby.
Driver Confronts Massive Python Constricting a Deer on the Side of a Florida
–– Asks if it’s his main squeeze.
“It killed Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt” - 10 deadliest animals in the Sahara Desert
–– 10. Cyanidewinder, 9. Josef Gerbils, 8.Dirty Bustard, 7. Skint and Bones, 6. Jackal Lantern, 5. Babadookboon, 4. Crocodile Dundead, 3. Joe Camel, 2. Mongoosestepper, 1. Asp Kicker.
There is only one place on Earth where crocodiles and alligators live together in the wild – and it's here
–– And they can’t even tell each other apart.
These fish can tell when you’re staring
–– Through goggles?
What did Elizabeth I really think about Anne Boleyn? These secret symbols might unlock the truth
–– Why not text and ask her?
These Mesmerizing Cave Paintings Were Discovered in 1901. Now, Archaeologists Finally Know When Some of Them Were Created
–– 1899.
This Diver Stumbled Upon a Centuries-Old Sword Beneath the Mediterranean Sea. Years Later, He Found Another One Nearby
–– Was he strolling along Mediterranean seabed?
The Brilliant Blue Paint Covering This Lavish Room in Ancient Pompeii May Have Cost More Than Half the Annual Salary of a Roman Foot Soldier
–– Or more than a third, but less than three eighths.
Africa’s great divide: Why the continent’s split is so exciting for science
–– They deserve a break today.
Trump Administration Approves BP’s First New Gulf Oilfield Since Deepwater Horizon
–– Gives them second shot at mass extinction.
An Arizona community just broke the March national temperature record
–– Wasn’t dry seat in house.
Rivian and the danger of building a business on government largesse
–– Entire auto industry exists due to trillions in ‘largesse.'
Libertarian author Brian Doherty dies after falling in a park
–– Free fall?
Matt Clark, Character Actor in a Barnful of Movie Westerns, Dies at 89
–– Matt finish.
Neil Sedaka’s cause of death revealed
–– Breaking up ain’t hard to do.
Paul R. Ehrlich, Who Alarmed the World With ‘The Population Bomb,’ Dies at 93
–– Finally does part in easing overpopulation.
Chuck Norris, 'Walker, Texas Ranger' star and martial artist, dies at 86
–– Kicks bucket.
