Ballot Snuffing
Week of 07/17/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump Brings Full Weight of Government to Bolster False Election Claims
–– And own lardass.
Trump retreats from shipping toll in Strait of Hormuz
–– Floated like turd in punch bowl.
Trump accuses China of 2020 voting interference, contradicting US intelligence findings
–– How could China not be trying to elect him?
Trump DHS using unverified figures to attack election officials on non-citizen voting
–– In latest slang for 'bullshit.'
US strikes Iran for third night as Trump says deal still 'possible'
–– Absolutely awful one 'likely.'
Trump Reinstates the Iran Blockade and Demands a 20% Toll as America Becomes Hormuz’s “Guardian”
–– Declares self Angel of Death, demands mortals pay 20% ransom on own lives.
Fmr. Iranian president under house arrest after regime uncovers ties to Israel, Mossad
–– We always thought of Ahmadinejad more as maggot than mole.
Almost Half of House Democrats Vote to End Aid to Israel
–– Hamas home point.
Hegseth announces joint taskforce with DoJ to target and prosecute press leaks
–– Will jointly take leak on DoJ.
Hegseth announces new policy to test troops for low testosterone
–– How about low brain cell count starting with him.
Pete Hegseth Refuses to Back Down After Navy Jet Frightens Florida Beachgoers: ‘Flyovers Will Continue Until Morale Improves’
–– In his marriage?
Islamic Republic of Japan’: Trump’s verbal flubs are piling up
–– Film about presidency will be remake of Flubber.
Opinion - Trump’s Board of Peace is all hat, no cattle, to no one’s surprise
–– We guess dunce cap is ‘hat.’
Insiders Dish To Kaitlan Collins Trump ‘Embarrassed and Angry’ Over New Qatari AF1 Snafu
–– Angry AF one.
Judge blocks Trump settlement with IRS that gave him sweeping tax protections
–– There audit be a law!
Durbin says Blanche told him DOJ ‘anti-weaponization’ fund was ‘a mistake’
–– As criminals rarely admit when caught.
Blanche meets with Epstein accusers after demand from Republican senator crucial to confirmation
–– Insists he lie directly to faces.
Opinion - $6 million a day: Trump’s disclosures show he is the swamp’s biggest monster
–– Swamp Thing concedes.
‘Oh My God!’ Jonathan Swan Cracks Up Audience With Accidental F-Bomb at Quaker School Event
–– With Friends like that…
Eric Trump Has Lost $600 Million of Daddy’s Money Betting on Crypto
–– And Nintendo games.
Reflecting Pool peeling probably caused by application flaws, experts say
–– No f**kin’ way, man!
Trump Vanity Project Turns New Putrid Color
–– That of soul.
One person killed in Maine in second fatal ICE-involved shooting in less than a week
–– No vacay for murderers.
Person fleeing ICE agents in Florida fatally struck by vehicle, highway patrol says
–– Hate and run.
ICE halts most traffic-stop arrests in wake of fatal shootings
–– Finally, DHS gets…
ICE lifts pause on vehicle stops after Trump criticism
–– …message.
ICE Shootings Put Spotlight on Lack of Body Cameras
–– Can't courts su poena selfies agents proudly snap with victims?"
Mike Johnson Tells Reporters ‘I Don’t Know Anything’ About Latest ICE Shooting: ‘You Guys Can Mock Me’
–– With pleasure.
Lindsey Graham, longtime GOP senator and Trump ally, dies at 71 after sudden illness
–– Kill o'Graham.
Trump Mourns Graham as ‘Great Politician’ and ‘Member of the Family’
–– Like ‘Squeaky’ Fromme.
Trump says Graham’s death is ‘big blow to the SAVE America Act’
–– So perhaps didn’t die in vain.
Lindsey Graham, 71, rose from small town South Carolina to President Trump’s ear
–– Rose?
Patel says FBI ‘is assisting local authorities’ after Graham’s death
–– 71-year-old out-of-shape guy died of heart disease –– paging Sherlock Holmes.
Meghan McCain on Lindsey Graham: The last of the ‘Three Amigos’ is gone
–– He was sorta Martin Short if character screwed sheep.
Trump recommends that Lindsey Graham’s sister serve rest of his Senate term
–– Opting for more macho alternative.
Trump endorses Darline Graham in U.S. Senate race to succeed her brother on ballot
–– Primary qualification to lead SC GOP: commissioner on Commission for the Blind.
Nancy Mace eyes run to replace Graham in Senate
–– One of few human beings who’d make you miss him.
Senate Republican on Supreme Court security funding request: ‘There’s not a money fairy up here’
–– Kennedy added, ‘RIP, Lindsey Graham.’
The Media Lied To Us About Trump, Chamath Palihapitiya Says: "Go Back To The Source Material"
–– This moron’s source material seems to be The Art of the Deal.
U.S. Mint to produce $1 coin with Trump’s face on it, treasury secretary says
–– From dried cow manure.
Van Hollen, mulling White House bid, says Democrats doing a bad job telling voters what they’re for
–– Should be loud, clear message it ain’t him.
Hunter Biden Nearly Came To Blows With Nick Fuentes In Motel Room
–– Something about coke and a mini-bar.
Judge awards Hunter Biden $1.7 million in defamation suit against former Overstock CEO
–– Overstuck.
Scientists overwhelmingly against rule change that would give political appointees say over science grants
–– Should allow pollsters to perform open-heart surgery.
More people around the world now favour China over the US, Pew study suggests
–– In blind taste tests?
Japan Builds Intelligence Agency It Hasn’t Had Since World War II
–– Even Tokyo Rose back on air.
As a Film Lionizes an Ex-President, His Son Pays the Political Price
–– Brazilliant move!
Trump's envoy faces protests in Venice on latest stop of super yacht diplomacy tour
–– Locals only happy if at bottom of canal.
Trinidad and Tobago signs agreements with US companies that pave the way for data centers
–– Will set deafening hum to calypso beat.
Jamie Dimon understands why people are anti-rich: ‘We have, in fact, left the lower-income folks behind’ and ‘that’s kind of annoying’
–– Understatement money can’t buy.
The global rich like Peter Thiel are eyeing the exit door. Argentina wants to be a ‘serious contender’ in the migration game
–– Should be door on private jet.
Senate passes resolution saying Bankman-Fried shouldn’t receive pardon
–– You mean Congress could’ve stopped any of Trump’s numerous egregious pardons?
SpaceX has plunged below its IPO price. Here's why.
–– IPO price was plausible as little green men.
’Simpering Lisping Sycophant’: Chris Cuomo Unloads on Jake Tapper Over Trump Interview
–– From mewling, stuttering psychopath.
‘I’m Surprised You Even Had Me On!’: Bill Maher Rips NPR as ‘Far Extreme of the Left’ to Interviewer’s Face
–– NPR ready to burn down Oscar's garbage can.
‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’ Hits Highest Monthly Ratings in Show’s 23-Year History
–– Colbert’s brunt of departure.
Brendan Carr received thousands in gifts from Paramount before approving merger
–– Number of signed Maxwell Caulfield Grease 2 head shots 'disturbing.'
12 States Sue, Call Paramount–Warner Bros. Merger an Antitrust Violation
–– And hazardous threat of criminally bad movies.
Paramount Reportedly Considering Leaving California as State Readies Lawsuit Over Warner Bros. Discovery Merger
–– Ellison make movies that belong in Hollywood, Alabama.
Larry Ellison Was Once the World’s Richest Man. Now Oracle Is Down Over 50% While He Bankrolls His Son’s Fight to Control a $110 Billion Media Empire
–– Can't we just celebrate Oracle being down 50%?
Celebs Are Injecting Copper to Look Younger. What Could Go Wrong?
–– Look penny dreadful.
Reclusive comedian Steven Wright, 70, resurfaces for extremely rare appearance as fans all say the same thing
–– ‘We thought he was funny?’
James Franco Confuses Internet with Video He Claims Shows an Alien: ‘I’m Not Acting Crazy’
–– 'I am.'
“Slop Face” Is Taking Over Hollywood — and Making Beauty Boring
–– Hollywood needs slap face.
Ron Howard’s Costars Found Him ‘Shaking’ in Wardrobe Closet Before Filming “Happy
Days” with Live Audience for First Time
–– Shaking what?
Ron Howard describes ‘intense’ filming experience on John Wayne’s last movie
–– Was he ‘shaking’ in closet?
Mark Hamill's 'Star Wars' Lightsaber Smashes Predictions and Sells for Record Sum at Auction
–– At $3.75 mil buyer doesn't deserve props.
John Mulaney Makes History in Chicago, Brings Out David Letterman, Fred Armisen and Richard Kind
–– Still Cubs up short.
Discover the Surprising True Meaning Behind Donovan's 'Mellow Yellow' and Its Beatles Connection
–– You’ll be vibrating with excitement.
Iron Maiden Sells Music Catalog, Name, Image and Likeness Rights to Pophouse
–– Ensuring torture of future listeners.
Legendary LA studio complex to be sold in shocking blow to dying Hollywood film industry
–– Television City big on feature films?
Paramount Reportedly Considering Leaving California as State Readies Lawsuit Over Warner Bros. Discovery Merger
–– Ellison make movies that belong in Hollywood, Alabama.
Harry Kane reveals what shocked him about Donald Trump when playing golf with him
–– That smell.
Erling Haaland is a changed man! Striker admits World Cup was 'best journey' of his life as Norway hitman reflects on 'surreal' tournament appearance
–– Haaland American tour.
Folarin Balogun admits Trump’s ‘unique’ World Cup intervention affected US team before Belgium loss
–– In latest slang for 'shafted.'
Report: FIFA official acted alone in clearing USMNT's Folarin Balogun to face Belgium
–– Reads US explanation of interference.
Why the UFC won’t stage another White House fight
–– Even Dana White has more self-respect than Trump.
Biohacker hoping to live to 160 reveals alarming diagnosis: 'My stomach is eating itself’
–– And wants seconds.
South Korea-US team unveils robotic technology that dresses the wearer
–– Team now working on creating laziest human being.
The testosterone craze fuels fear — not masculinity
–– Of what? Poke in eye?
I’m Worried My Kids Will Regret Cutting Off Their Dad. Should I Say Something?
–– Why not, clearly he had too many 7&7s?
Why have people historically quit their jobs? The real reason comes down to 4 words
–– I'm a lazy bum.
Olive Garden Is Bringing Back Its $100 Unlimited Pasta Pass—And It’s Still An Absurdly Good Deal
–– Less so $100,000 Unlimited Tomato Sauce Pass.
Everybody Loves Cheese. Why Is Selling It So Hard These Days
–– No matter how you slice it.
Authorities investigate Taco Bell and lettuce as cyclosporiasis outbreak surges
–– Eyeing Crunchcrap Supreme.
Cyclospora Linked to Taylor Farms Lettuce Sent to Taco Bell
–– Tip of the iceberg.
I got the diarrhea parasite Cyclospora after a work lunch. These were my tell-tale
–– Wait one second, we’re just digging into our salad…
Salad Is a Star, Not a Side, in This Summery Spread
–– Spread of cheeks over toilet.
’Delicious’ but ‘invasive’ $7B seafood delicacy is taking over New England’s coastline for the first time
–– Performing sexiest clam strip.
I love dining alone. So should you.
–– We do when you’re in restaurant.
Disney World hit with another tragedy as man, 54, dies after riding It's a Small World
–– Driven to suicide by 50th repeat of theme song.
Jimothy, an unusual raccoon with a possible spinal condition, embraced by a Seattle community
–– That’s not gonna help back.
Meet the Orange-Lipped 'Likweli' Monkey, a New Species That Was Discovered in the Congo Rainforest
–– By very satisfied female field researcher.
‘A single, accidental step can trigger intense, burning pain, inflammation and nausea that can last for hours. In rare cases, it can cause death."
–– So don’t even enter Chuck E. Cheese.
There’s something strange that's twice the size of Vatican City – and like nothing else on Earth – living in a Scottish loch
–– Made you loch!
New Close-Up Images Reveal the Wreckage of Ernest Shackleton's Last Ship, Now Draped in Discarded Fishing Gear and Teeming With Life
–– The wild, wild Quest.
How Has Roman Concrete Lasted for Millennia? A 1,900-Year-Old Latrine Offers New Clues About the Material's Impressive Durability
–– No shit?
Meet Sak Tahn Waax, a Maya Math Whiz Who Lived More Than 1,000 Years Ago and Left Behind a ‘Really Elegant, Complex’ Formula
–– Total Waax job.
Archaeologists Baffled After Man Stumbles Upon 2,700-Year-Old Bronze Sword Standing Upright in Forest
–– Like guy couldn’t see before tripping.
Trump slashes two Utah protected areas by more than 90%
–– Brags about 180% increase in dead flora and fauna.
Toronto Under an Orange Sky as Wildfire Smoke Pours Into the U.S. Northeast
–– Orange is the new black lung.
Wildfire smoke will worsen in the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic through Friday
–– Canada was aiming at White House.
Data Centers to Add Billions in Power Costs in 13 States
–– PJM calls it musical entertainment surcharge.
'How to Eat Fried Worms' actor Blake Garrett’s cause of death revealed
–– Worms undercooked?
Sam Neill, Actor in 'Jurassic Park' and 'The Piano,' Dies at 78
–– Neill’s down.
