Damning Ever-Dunce
Week of 05/02/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
5 takeaways from Trump’s contentious 100-day interview with ABC
–– 5. He’s. 4. Out. 3. Of. 2. His. 1. Mind.
Trump: ‘I run the country and the world’
–– World soils shorts.
US economy contracts at 0.3% rate in Q1, first GDP pullback in 3 years
–– In just 100 days! Imagine 1361 more.
Miller highlights key Trump priority: the war against ‘cancerous, woke culture’
–– And 'fresh corpses' for him.
Trump calls to investigate 'fake' low approval polls
–– Threatens to deport polls.
Trump’s team isn’t dissuaded by the challenges of their first 100 days
–– Way too dumb for that.
ABC, NBC and CBS slap Trump with 92% negative coverage as 100th day of second term approaches, study finds
–– And are still 93% too kind.
Why Is Trump Struggling? His Administration Is Too Black-Pilled.
–– So is your hair sweater, Douthat.
Trump says he wants to rename Veterans Day to ‘Victory Day for World War I’
–– As brain worm continues through puny lunch.
Trump’s ‘Buoyant’ Trade Warrior Flexes His Power Over Global Business
–– Nutlick is floater in trade toilet.
Top Trump economist derided as ‘incoherent’ on tariffs after closed-door meeting with investors
–– Make that locked-door session for next 4 years.
Is Trump waging a war on dolls?
–– Except life-sized sex versions?
Fartcoin Soars 10% In A Week, Outshining Dogecoin, Shiba Inu
–– Traders just caught wind of it.
What to know about Paula White-Cain and the White House Faith office
–– Was chosen for outreach to speakers in tongues.
Trump jokes his admin will 'forget about' separation of church and state: 'We're bringing religion back'
–– Richest sense of humor since Ayatollah Khomeini.
Dr. Phil’s Portrayal Of Donald Trump To His Face Has Critics 'LOL'ing So Hard
–– McGraw sewage.
DOGE’s mass federal workforce cuts may cost taxpayers $135 billion this fiscal year alone
–– Which Musk can pay out of pocket.
Trump’s Attack on ActBlue Just Blew Up in His Face
–– Act blew.
Trump-appointed judge says president’s use of Alien Enemies Act is unlawful in first-of-its-kind ruling
–– Unless humanoid enemy has more than six eyes, limbs.
Karoline Leavitt Refuses to Rule Out Arrest of Supreme Court Judges
–– We refuse to rule out muzzle for her.
Why Steve Bannon Thinks Karoline Leavitt Can Break the Trump Press Secretary Curse
–– She’s that mendacious an idiot.
How Peter Navarro went from Democrat to inmate to Trump’s tariff guru
–– Progressive mental illness.
Trump announces Waltz as nominee for U.N. ambassador
–– Where he can do what he does best –– eff stuff up.
Trump is tired of waiting for Boeing to make him a new Air Force One so the government is refurbishing a Qatari plane
–– Please wait for Boeing model with door that blows off!
Trump says China ‘probably will eat those tariffs’
–– Along with his lunch.
Susan Rice knocks ‘dumb as a rock’ Hegseth
–– Ironically with brain size of pebble.
'Mindblowing': Hegseth's phone number found all over web, posing massive security risk
–– His mind could be blown by gentle zephyr.
Paranoid Hegseth Plasters Pentagon With Photos of Controversial Wife
–– Wife and mixologist. Plastered, alright.
John Bolton says Pete Hegseth should quit ‘for his own safety’s sake’
–– Same reason he shouldn't open jars by self.
2-Year-Old U.S. Citizen Deported ‘With No Meaningful Process,’ Judge Suspects
–– Which is pretty rough assessment of toddler.
Trump’s surgeon general pick promotes misleading claims about her education, new investigation shows
–– Doctored docs.
Pope Francis, Who Sought a More Pastoral Church, Laid to Rest in a Majestic Ceremony
–– Church pastor prime.
Trump, Zelensky, Biden and More: Here’s Who Attended the Funeral
–– Pick out dick in front row who refused to wear black suit.
John Oliver Warns RFK Jr.’s Gutting of Health Services Will Be ‘Like Finding Out What Each of Your Organs Does’ as They’re Removed
–– Starting with brain.
Mar-a-Lago face: The plastic surgery trend that’s taking over Trump’s inner circle
–– Nip and schmuck.
Bleach Blonde ‘MAGA Malfoy’ Turns Heads During White House Press Briefing
–– While rotating on broom's handle.
Kid Rock labels mainstream media 'public enemy number one' for failing to recognize Trump's olive branches
–– Covered in poisoned thorns.
Bill Maher changes his tune on Trump again - calls president’s first 100 days a ‘s*** show’
–– What many now label Real Time.
George Santos Sobs into His Hands as Judge Reads Harsh Prison Sentence, Calls Him 'Arrogant Fraudster'
–– Bites fat arm like it’s MyPillow.
Cory Booker, Hakeem Jeffries start sit-in on Capitol steps, slam Trump budget plan
–– Booker bids to be Dems’ David Blaine.
–– Jesus wept.
Poll: Canadians despise Trump and distrust US
–– Make Canada state –– they’d be most populous and have at least 52 representatives to impeach Trump.
Trump questions Putin's desire for peace after meeting Zelensky at the Vatican
–– Severed dove's head left on bed was strong hint.
Vance says war in Ukraine ‘not going to end any time soon,’ hours after US signs minerals deal with Kyiv
–– Refers all questions on Administration’s position to Kremlin.
Russia's Medvedev says Ukraine minerals deal means Trump has forced Kyiv to pay for US aid
–– Bingo, scumbag.
Putin thanks North Korea for troop deployment and promises not to forget their sacrifices
–– When cracking jokes to war council.
Trump Brags About How He Screwed Over MAGA’s Canadian Ally in Election
–– Even humiliating political reversals are triumphs!
US Navy loses $60 million jet at sea after it fell overboard from aircraft carrier
–– Or more than 10% of US appropriation to PBS.
Cousin of infamous fraudster 'Crazy Eddie' out to bring down Trump nemesis NY AG Letitia James
–– Fox News: ‘Our pieces are insane!’
‘These Republicans cannot know a moment of peace’: Pritzker calls for mass protests against GOP
–– The shameless sleep like babies.
Trump says he’s ‘taking away’ Harvard’s tax-exempt status. That would be an unpopular move, according to a new poll
–– By only 49% of anti-intellectual, dumb-and-proud-of-it, what's-freedom-of-speech Americans.
PBS President Says Trump’s Executive Order to End Funding Is “Blatantly Unlawful”
–– In latest slang for 'utterly predictable.'
’60 Minutes’ Calls Out Paramount for Executive Producer’s Exit in Rare On-Air Rebuke
–– Took pair of Redstones to do that.
“60 Minutes” Rattles Viewers with Stunning Closing Segment, Implies That Trump Administration Is Pressuring Their Coverage
–– Some spilled metamucil cocktails.
How to Stream the White House Correspondents’ Dinner Online
–– If your life is truly that empty.
Trump bailing on the White House Correspondents’ Dinner means Washington can have some fun
–– At Irish wake for First Amendment.
Nathan Fielder Depicts Paramount+ as Nazis After Streamer Removed ‘Nathan for You’ Episode Due to ‘Sensitivities’ Around Antisemitism
–– Out in left Fielder.
The Catch-22 of Modern Marketing Campaigns: ‘We Are Targeting Our Way to Oblivion’
–– Ad homina homina attack.
Francis Ford Coppola Celebrated For Prioritizing Art Over Money at AFI Life Achievement Tribute: “F*** the Bankers and the Backers”
–– "And the box office trackers."
Pedro Almodóvar Says Trump Will Go Down as ‘The Greatest Mistake of Our Time’
–– Saying something from director of Matador.
Kanye West Says He Should’ve Had Babies With Paris Hilton Instead of Kim Kardashian: “I Had a Baby With an Assistant”
–– Contracted aide's?
Jesse Plemons Joins ‘The Hunger Games: Sunrise on the Reaping’ as Plutarch Heavensbee
–– And he’s gotta be a little embarrassed.
Susan Sarandon's daughter, Eva Amurri, undergoes plastic surgery after critics were 'scandalized' by her breasts
–– What did breasts ever do to them?
Brian Cox Shades $1,000 Ticket Price to See Denzel Washington and Jake Gyllenhaal’s ‘Othello’: ‘Excuse Me, That’s Wrong’
–– A Cox upon both your houses!
Walton Goggins Shuts Down Questions About Rumored Aimee Lou Wood Feud Despite Persistent Interviewer: 'What the F---?'
–– Bucks stop here.
‘If I kissed some man, I would cut my lips off’: Terrence Howard explains why he declined Marvin Gaye biopic
–– Taking off whole head more efficient.
Jeremy Renner Turned Down ‘Hawkeye’ Season 2 Because He Was Offered ‘Half’ His Season 1 Salary: ‘Did You Think I’m Only Half the Jeremy Because I Got Ran Over?’
–– Expected flat fee?
'Harry Potter' Series Is 'Not Secretly Being Infused' With J.K. Rowling's Anti-Trans Beliefs, Says HBO Boss: 'If You Want to Debate Her, You Can Go on Twitter'
–– Though she did resist switch to Hismione Granger, Draco Malboy, Cistheryn House.
Richard Gere Reveals His 1 Requirement for Doing a 'Pretty Woman' Sequel (Exclusive)
–– Hydraulic phallus.
A Year Later, No One Can Get Over the Kendrick and Drake Beef
–– Wanna bet?
Freddie Mercury refused to work with Michael Jackson after King of Pop brought pet llama into studio
–– And wouldn’t let him have go with it.
How Christie Brinkley Found Out About Husband Peter Cook's Affair With a Teenager
–– Checked his meat thermometer.
Prince Harry Wants 'Reconciliation' but Says King Charles 'Won't Speak to Me': 'I Don't Know How Much Longer My Father Has'
–– Wants some peace in waning days.
Why Prince Andrew Is Finished After Virginia Giuffre’s Death
–– He pleasured himself after hearing about it?
Shedeur Sanders, Deion taught a hard lesson in humility in QB’s NFL Draft slide
–– Beyond Shedeur of a doubt.
Alarmed by CBS disaster, Bill Belichick insiders say girlfriend Jordon Hudson is a ‘runaway train’
–– But he loves her caboose.
The Internet Is Loving Jalen Hurts's Official Reason For Not Going To The White House
–– Laugh til it Hurts.
"My father came in the house fuming. He had tears in his eyes" - Shaquille O’Neal on why his father brutally beat him after Len Bias’ death
–– Aww, makes you almost sympathetic to 7'1" abuser.
Child damages Rothko painting in Dutch museum
–– Internet, ’How could you tell?’, ‘Kid could’ve painted it.’, ‘Modern art makes me wee-wee.’
38 holy grail beauty products our editors can’t live without
–– 23. Shroud of Turin face wrap.
I’m so attractive I have to wear a fake wedding ring in public — just to keep men from flirting with me
–– Maybe avoid plastic surgery conventions.
A rising star was accused of cookbook plagiarism. But can you own a recipe?
–– For boiled water?!
Hagia Sophia: Secrets of the 1,600-year-old megastructure that has survived the collapse of empires
–– Has good bones –– in surrounding tombs.
Why Florida’s Condo Owners Are So Desperate to Sell
–– Only so many idiots in marketplace.
Florida dinner cruise leaves nearly 100 stranded for hours Tuesday night
–– And that was just with appetizers.
Video shows boat collide with ferry and flee the scene
–– Yes, Florida, where else?
Police launch murder investigation after bestselling novelist found dead on houseboat
–– Yes, Germany, where else?
Purdue’s Boilermaker Special mascot train involved in fatal vehicle crash in Indiana
–– Provides season's zaniest obit.
Rattlesnakes emerge from viral ‘mega den’ of 2,000 rattlesnakes in Colorado
–– To sign autographs!
The FURRIES Act would ban Texas students from using litter boxes in school. Critics say it targets a problem that doesn't exist.
–– And think of the cost in toilet paper.
Which animal has saved the most human lives?
–– That’s easy –– Lassie!
9 weirdest snakes in the world, from flying serpents to spider-tailed vipers. There's even a spiky species that looks more like a dragon...
–– 9. High-heeled Moccasin, 8. Yo Mamba, 7. Vindow Viper, 6. Asp Kisser 5. Minty Python. 4. Boner Constrictor, 3. Rattle Me This, 2. Chupacobra, 1. Stephen Miller.
Ronan the head-bobbing sea lion proves animals can keep a beat: ‘No human was better’
–– Among nerds at Santa Cruz’s Long Marine Laboratory.
Some flies go insomniac to ward off parasites
–– No wonder eyes are so big, red.
Could you have outrun tyrannosaurus rex? Yes, say researchers
–– Have you seen shape we’re in?
Mummified Austrian priest’s rectum played important role in preservation
–– We'd rather not know what he was storing up there.
Scientists Drilled So Deep Into the Center of the Earth, They Knocked on the Mantle’s Door
–– Mickey’s down there?
Cremated Remains of 'Space Prophet' Willy Ley Found in N.Y.C. Apartment Building Basement More Than 50 Years After His Death
–– Talk about Leyover.
Senate overturns EPA rule on seven highly toxic air pollutants
–– All found in Trump’s breath.
For Trump, Chemicals in Straws Are a Crisis. In Water, Maybe Less So.
–– Grasp of environmental risk sucks.
The Trump admin is suing four states to stop them from holding fossil fuel giants accountable for climate damage
–– Criminals’ best friend.
Damien Thomas, Actor in ‘Twins of Evil’ at Hammer Films, Dies at 83
–– Takes stake through heart.
Gene Hackman’s final autopsy indicates horrifying detail of his last days
–– None grimmer than media vultures picking at corpse.
Zurab Tsereteli, Polarizing Russian Sculptor of Colossal Works, Dies at 91
–– Putin the ground.
Ruth Buzzi, the Lady With the Handbag on ‘Laugh-In,’ Dies at 88
–– Buzzi off.
