Constitution Haul
Week of 05/09/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump, asked if he has to 'uphold the Constitution,' says, 'I don't know'
–– His standard answer, which is shockingly accurate.
Trump abruptly fires Librarian of Congress
–– Was found to be both Black and woman.
‘Your head should explode’: Dem Rep. reacts to Trump saying he doesn’t know if he has to uphold the Constitution
–– No, his.
Trump says he's OK with taxing the rich but warns of political fallout
–– Among 1.49 mil in top 1%.
Trump Sons’ Deals on Three Continents Directly Benefit the President
–– Eric, ‘That’s like every continent in the world!’
U.S. Secretary of Commerce says the ‘new model’ is factory jobs for life—for you, your kids, and your grandkids
–– If you mate with robot.
Trump: Stephen Miller at ‘top of the totem pole’ for new national security adviser
–– Sitting on peak with pants off.
Stephen Miller’s Former Colleague Reveals Why He Is a ‘Horrible Human Being’
–– Humans have eyes, ears.
Opinion: Stephen Miller Rolls Out MAGA’s Indoctrination Plan for Kids
–– Based on 2011 film.
Trump names Fox News host Jeanine Pirro as interim U.S. attorney for D.C.
–– Hopes to make Pirro wet.
President Trump’s childhood home in Queens sells for under $1 million
–– Owner took 60% loss, like US economy.
Right-Wing Pundit Torches Donald Trump’s U.K. Deal With 1 Brutal Word
–– 'S**ty' is pretty good, but volumes could be written about sheer lameness of it.
President Trump Says He Will Implement 100% Tariffs on Films Produced Outside the U.S.: ‘The Movie Industry in America Is Dying’
–– In nation you're killing.
‘Too large, too big, too aggressive’: Jamie Dimon wasn’t on board with Trump’s tariff ‘master plan’, but says White House is justified in calling out unfairness
–– Couldn't think of another 'big' synonym.
Trump Declares High-Speed Internet Program ‘Racist’ and ‘Unconstitutional’
–– Because it might empower voters against him.
White House Shares Beefed-Up Trump Meme for Star Wars Day – Doesn’t Realize He’s Styled as a Sith Lord
–– Spelled Shit.
Hegseth says the Pentagon is done 'walking on eggshells.' Women in uniform say it feels like a 'slap in the face.'
–– He says letting sexist flag fly feels 'great.'
Hegseth Works Hard to Portray Himself as a Man of the Troops. They Might Not Be Buying It
–– Official Pussy Inspector beer bashes not cutting it?
Order by Hegseth to cancel Ukraine weapons caught White House off guard
–– Are they ever really on guard?
Trump defends the high price tag for his military parade: 'Peanuts compared to the value'
–– And monkeys love peanuts.
White House Tanks Trump’s Big Idea to Rename Veterans Day
–– Someone vetted it?
Kash Patel Spotted in Nightclubs More Than at Work, Former FBI Director Says
–– At Kash bar.
Trump says he wants to reopen Alcatraz. What is it? Why did the prison close?
–– Bird Brain of Alcatraz.
Why ‘No End in Sight’ Newark Airport Fiasco Has Become Sean Duffy’s Biggest Headache
–– Terminal cancel.
Mayor Baraka of Newark, New Jersey, arrested at immigration detention center he has been protesting
–– Baraka bummer.
Trump’s Deportation Campaign Fuels Prison Founder’s $304 Million Fortune
–– Fat cat o'nine tails.
Federal judge in Vermont orders release of Tufts student, citing 'no evidence' of crime
–– Tufts it out.
U.S. plans to receive and aid White South African refugees as soon as next week, document shows
–– From bad to reverse racism.
The ‘R-word,' embraced by Joe Rogan and Elon Musk, inches back into the mainstream
–– Tard and feathered.
RFK Jr. Calls Out King Abdullah: ‘They’ve Cut Us Off’
–– ‘The worm and me!’
‘Everyone knew it but him’: Tiffany Trump’s father-in-law has seen role diminished since the transition
–– Lack of self-awareness got him ambassadorship.
Trump and Harvard Both Want ‘Viewpoint Diversity.’ What Does It Mean?
–– Depends on your viewpoint.
Trump’s acting FEMA chief fired a day after breaking from the administration
–– By acting like FEMA chief.
Melania Trump honors Barbara Bush’s ‘forward-thinking vision’ at White House event
–– Offers own 'no-thinking vision' in contrast.
Ivanka Trump discusses produce business in her first major public event of father’s second term
–– With vegetative father?
Biden enlists veteran Democratic operative to help defend his reputation
–– Forget and forgive?
Opinion - The real scandal is that any journalist ever believed Joe Biden in the first place
–– He lied about age?
‘He needs to resign’: Democrats react with quiet shock to damning John Fetterman profile
–– Unfetter, man.
A GOP rep was awarded a Bronze Star for his bravery in Iraq. Those he reportedly saved can’t remember him being there
–– Mamma MIA!
Bush official claims US built secret $21T underground ‘city’ for rich and powerful to live if ‘near-extinction event’ happens
–– Claims she vacations there with Captain Nemo.
Trump posts AI-generated photo of himself dressed as the pope
–– Plays Pope-a-dope.
Why do popes choose different names and what could the name of the new pope be?
–– Why not all use exact same name –– that couldn’t cause confusion?
New Pope Has Creole Roots in New Orleans
–– Il Papa Legba.
New pope appears to have reposted critical social media posts about Trump and Vance
–– So we know he's generally sane.
The New Pope Might Be Something Like the Old Pope
–– Two arms, two legs, a miter.
Canada ‘Not For Sale,’ Carney tells Trump, Who Responds With ‘Never Say Never’
–– America's loonie toonie.
Fact check: Trump claimed the US doesn’t do ‘much business with Canada.’ Canada is the world’s top buyer of US exports
–– World’s biggest idiot? World’s biggest liar? World’s biggest idiot liar!
TV Legend William Shatner Fires Back At Trump's 'Insulting' Offer
–– ZerO Canada!
Israel plans to seize Gaza under new plan, officials say
–– Hamas into the ground.
Germany hits back at Rubio's defense of far-right AfD party
–– As f**k Demagogues.
Europe throws support behind Ukraine special tribunal to prosecute Russia
–– Hire Hercule Poirot to find any clue of war crimes.
Serbia’s President Vucic cuts short US visit and returns home after falling ill
–– After one look at Rudy Giuliani.
Trump confirms he offered to send troops into Mexico, but says Sheinbaum ‘so scared of the cartels she can’t walk’
–– 'Walk'
Warren Buffett to step down as CEO of Berkshire Hathaway
–– At 94. Shocker.
Kennedy Center Director Slams ‘Les Misérables’ Actors as ‘Vapid and Intolerant’ for Threatening Boycott of Trump Performance: ‘Will No Longer Fund Intolerance’
–– So no money for Stephen Miller's musical adaptation of DW Griffith's racist masterpiece?
Trump’s Kennedy Center Head Throws Fit at Lin-Manuel Miranda and American Idol
–– Hamilton bee-atch.
Harvey Fierstein drags Richard Grenell: 'Self-loathing queer'
–– That is so unfair –– he loathes everybody.
Nicholas Cage Says He Got ‘Stuck in the Rip Tide’ and ‘Could Have Died’ While Training for ‘The Surfer’: ‘I’ve Been Pounded to Smithereens’
–– Why film was wipeout?
Nicolas Cage attends son Weston’s wedding after groom’s ‘excruciating’ attack on mom
–– She bought him restraining collar as gift.
Jack Black says Lorne Michaels shared grim warning about Desi Arnaz before he hosted 'SNL'
–– Overexerted himself until he was Babalu in face.
Alison Brie and Dave Franco had to use the bathroom while 'physically attached' for 'Together'
–– No video?
‘Lopez vs. Lopez' Canceled After Three Seasons at NBC
–– Was hopelez.
Reunited Couple Kanye West and Bianca Censori Sue His Dentist for Malpractice, Providing Nitrous Oxide
–– No wonder he’s such a gas.
How May the 4th Became Known as Star Wars Day and How It’s Being Celebrated
–– By nerds for nerds.
‘Andor’ Creator Explains That Shocking Assault Scene: “We’re All the Product of Rape”
–– Can we talk to your mom, Ruth?
Paul Feig Says ‘Outrage’ Against Blake Lively and ‘Another Simple Favor’ Drama Is ‘Boring’: ‘You Don’t Know What You’re Talking About’
–– Agree his drama is boring.
Lady Gaga’s Free Concert on Rio’s Copacabana Beach Draws a Record-Breaking 2.5 Million People
–– 1 mil were pickpockets.
Lady Gaga Responds to Thwarted Bomb Plot Allegedly Targeting Her Brazil Concert
–– Thought only bomb was on stage.
Shia LaBeouf Lived in Central Park Horse Basin During ‘Orphans’ Prep
–– So horse and jackass basin.
‘Boardwalk Empire' Star Arrested For Strangulation and Sexual Abuse
–– She couldn't make Pitt stop.
The Sad Reason Jack Nicholson, 88, Stays Out of the Public Eye: Source
–– Reporters like you vultures picking over Hackman’s corpse.
'The Daily Show's' Ronny Chieng on Recently Becoming a U.S. Citizen: 'It's a Weird Time to Do It'
–– Detain't necessarily so.
Liev Schreiber addresses daughter coming out as trans: 'Kai was always who Kai is'
–– Liev it to beaver.
Televangelist Jim Bakker Says He Needs A Million Bucks Or 'I'll Be Out On The Street'
–– Jim Begger.
Kate Middleton Goes All In on the Big Bow Trend
–– Bow jest.
Remember when Princess Diana wowed the Met Gala in a risqué — and secretly altered — gown?
–– Do we look gay?
The Met’s celebration of Black dandyism has a dark side
–– Dude-do.
Jill Sobule’s Final Song Was Titled ‘J.D. Vance is a C-nt’
–– Should've been played at funeral.
LeBron James to Miss Met Gala Due to Knee Injury
— Now who’ll dunk Anna Wintour?
Mike Tirico abruptly steps away from NBC's Kentucky Derby broadcast due to nut allergy reaction
–– Flared up sharing booth with Ahmed Fareed.
Rock Icon, 65, Seriously Injured Ahead of Kentucky Derby Appearance
–– Would jockey Richie Sambora even be able to mount filly?
Details Emerge From Fatal Golf Cart Accident Involving John Elway
–– Fact Fate spared Johnny Bananas hard to ignore.
Ravens release kicker Justin Tucker, who was accused of sexual misconduct by 16 women
–– Not down with his offside kicks.
Chicago Museum Director Under Investigation After Airplane Incident
–– In which he imagined he was nude model.
WeightWatchers files for bankruptcy
–– Needs to slim down.
Now is not the time to eat bagged lettuce
–– Of course, its 8am.
10 Differences Between White Castle And Krystal
–– 8. Color of stool.
Never Store These Items in the Freezer — Here’s Where to Keep Them Instead
–– Your dick, her bottom.
How to Train for the Last Decade of Your Life, According to Peter Attia
–– And how to know which one that is in advance?
Woman Says Her Husband Kept Making ‘Snide’ Comments Because She Refused to Clean Up His Vomit
–– Hurling insults?
Venice is sinking. Now there’s a radical plan to lift the entire city above rising floodwaters
–– Have papal candidates try to miraculously raise.
This nation is threatened by rising sea levels. It is raising awareness as it sets up its first soccer team
–– Soccer/water polo.
American tourist climbs over fence at Colosseum, impales himself on spike
–– In worst Gladiator cosplay ever.
Owners at a luxury skyscraper on NYC's Billionaires' Row say their multimillion-dollar apartments are riddled with defects
–– Hear that? Single tear rolling from our eye.
Sexy influencer brings huge dog as a service animal on flight — here's how passengers reacted
–– Passengers hard-on her.
At a Kentucky farm, star racehorses help people fight a monster: Addiction
–– They deplete ketamine supply.
Bison Gores Man in Yellowstone National Park
–– Bison off more than he can chew.
Chimp drumming shares properties with human music origins, new study reveals
–– And just as annoying.
Pom pom crabs wear clumps of venomous anemones as gloves – Sir David Attenborough reveals why
–– Match cheerleader skirts, saddle shoes.
World’s most venomous spiders: Are these 10 deadly spiders as fearsome as their reputation?
–– 10) Mamba No. 5 (A Little Bit Of…), 9) Cage Rattler, 8) Viper Roomie, 7) Fin Fang Foom, 6) Slytherin Succotash, 5) The Venomator, 4) Adder Subtractor, 3 )Krait and Barrel, 2) Asssasssin, 1) Don't Asp.
Family Saw Man Regularly Using Their Pool on CCTV. He Just Gave a Bizarre Excuse for Taking a Dip While They Were Out
–– Couldn’t get to bathroom in house.
Tourist Bitten by Crocodile While Taking a Selfie at a Zoo — Because He Thought the Animal Was Fake
–– His stupidity real as cancer.
Global methane emissions still far above what countries report, IEA warns
–– We smelled something funny.
James Foley, ‘Glengarry Glen Ross,’ ‘House of Cards’ Director, Dies at 71
–– Foley over.
David Souter, Supreme Court justice favoring judicial restraint, dies at 85
–– Empty Souter.
