Graft Brew
Week of 02/06/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump family crypto firm sold major stake to UAE investment firm
–– In $500m sheikhdown.
Little to gain by raising taxes on the rich
–– Unless you wanna, y’know, avoid class warfare.
Trump Dodges When Asked About Bombshell WSJ Report on ‘Secret’ Foreign Investment
–– Dubaious response?
Bitcoin hits lowest level since 2024 and stocks stumble as AI and geopolitical nerves fray
–– Bitecoin.
Last month was the worst January for job cut announcements since 2009
–– Mission to turn back clock winning bigly.
Epstein Assistant Told Feds He Introduced Melania to Trump, Files Reveal
–– Not slut-shamming.
–– Where Nutlick got nickname.
Blanche says DOJ unable to investigate tips about Trump’s involvement with Epstein
–– Without knee to groin.
House Oversight GOP rejects Hillary Clinton demand for public Epstein hearing: 'No one is buying their claims'
–– 'In my House.'
Hillary Clinton Pulls No Punches In Fiery Response To GOP Congressman
–– Takes on all Comer.
Kaitlan Collins Calls Trump Out On Air for Raging at Her Over Epstein Survivors in Bonkers Oval Office Scene
–– Who's smiling now?
Melinda French Gates Calls Out Ex Bill Gates Over Newly Revealed Jeffrey Epstein Emails: 'Brings Back ... Painful Times'
–– French kiss-off.
Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn’s Emails to Jeffrey Epstein Unearth College Admissions Boost, #MeToo Criticism and a Timothée Chalamet Diss
–– Look on the Soon-Yi side of life.
Brad Karp Resigns as Paul Weiss Chairman Amid Epstein Fallout
–– Did what Trump's public teabagging couldn’t.
Sarah Ferguson Brought Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie to Lunch with Epstein Days After His Prison Release, Emails Suggest
–– Just desserts.
Norwegian crown princess apologizes to royals and all 'disappointed' by her Epstein contacts
–– How about all 'not-surprised-after-one-look-at-your-son'?
‘How Dare You!’: Jimmy Kimmel Torches Trump Over ‘Disgusting’ New Comments
–– Level of awfulness Pretti, Pretti Good.
Congressman Reads Texts From Border Agent Who Bragged About Shooting Chicago Woman: ‘5 Shots, 7 Holes’
–– Counting self as one of ‘holes?
Mike Lindell’s campaign for governor is buying boatloads of Mike Lindell autobiographies
–– For ship of fools.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Bluntly Declares MAGA ‘Was All a Lie’ in Scalding Take on Trump’s GOP
–– More 'racism-fuled, fascistic mass hallucination', but OK…
Marjorie Taylor Greene Says MAGA 'Was All a Lie' and Claims Trump Is Only Serving 'Big, Big Donors'
–– Is it really 'service' when you've grifted this much?
Marjorie Taylor Greene: Trump 'Treats Those Who Support Him The Most Like ****'
–– But only because they are and they love it.
What a Comparison With Roosevelt Reveals About Trump
–– Limits of idiotic analogies.
Trump Says His Unpredictable Style Gives Him Leverage. But It Has a Cost.
–– As in disloding boulder that will roll downhill, kill innocents.
White House removes Trump post with racist footage of Obamas hours after defending it
–– Had pleasure of flinging his digital feces.
Republican Tim Scott Calls Donald Trump’s Post Of Video That Depicted The Obamas As Apes: “Most Racist Thing I’ve Seen Out Of This White House”
–– And he's not lyin' king.
White House blames staffer for Trump’s Obama ‘apes’ post and removes video Republican labeled ‘racist’
–– Was it See, Hear, or Speak Evil one?
‘Don Colossus,’ a Golden Statue of President Trump, Waits for Its Home
–– Can’t find pig sty big enough?
Trump says Kennedy Center will close for two years for renovations
–– Drilling peepholes into every dressing room wall takes time.
‘Crash And Burn': Critics Mock Trump After 'Humiliating' Decision About Key Landmark
–– Will only be fit for pole dancers when done.
‘Crisis’: The fallout from Trump’s surprise plan to close Kennedy Center
–– Transformed into performing arse center.
The Democratic win in Texas was shocking, except for this
–– Provide succor for suckers, Henry Olsen.
Is Samuel Alito Preparing to Disrobe?
–– And reveal SCROTUS?
U.N. Says It’s in Danger of Financial Collapse Because of Unpaid Dues
–– U 'n' me both!
The choice that will define the president’s place in history
–– His cubbyhole in sub-basement of slaughterhouse already made up, waiting.
Ukraine’s strategy is to kill 50,000 Russian soldiers a month. A sign of confidence or an indicator of weakness?
–– Or just good, clean fun?
NATO soldiers say they can't let their guns get too warm if they want them to work on frozen battlefields
–– So no ‘happiness’?
Trump envoys met directly with Iran foreign minister in Oman
–– Impressive til you see its Witkoff, Kushner.
Born of a Factory Mistake, This Sad Toy Horse Captures China’s Mood
–– No Beijin’ Bronco?
Joe Rogan says UK has ‘lost it’ over stat showing that 12,000 people were arrested for social media posts
–– How about they round up his idiot listeners?
Musk calls Spanish PM a ‘tyrant’ after Spain announces sweeping social media crackdown
–– We call him ‘el héroe.’
Rotten Tomatoes Owner Says 'Melania' 99% Audience Score Is Not 'Bot Manipulation': 'Reviews Are Verified… Users Bought a Ticket to the Film’
–– So it’s 'clot manipulation.'
Amazon Pulls ‘Melania’ From Movie Theater Due to Jokes on Its Marquee
–– Not ones on screen?
Critic’s Notebook: Trevor Noah’s Final Grammys Hosting Gig Is a Dud, but Big Performances and Passionate Speeches Carry the Telecast
–– After 5 dudlets?
Stars Bring ‘ICE OUT’ Pins and Fiery Speeches to a Political Grammys
–– Performance about as convincing as Vanilla Ice’s.
No, Billie Eilish, Americans are not thieves on stolen land
–– Apparently, natives never had deed. Take that, pop idol we claim to ignore.
Justin Bieber Wears Only Gym Shorts and Socks in Sultry Grammys Performance of ‘Yukon,’ as Emotional Hailey Bieber Watches From Crowd
–– Do they think ‘sultry’ synonym for ‘silly’?
The Secret to Chappell Roan's Nipple Covers Was Gum Wrappers and Power Mesh
–– Helpful pointers.
How Kilian Paris Composed The Red Carpet's Most Iconic Scents
–– Nonscents.
China criticizes decision to award a Grammy to the Dalai Lama
–– Bemoan his ‘vocal delivery, sense of rhythm.’
Nicki Minaj Responds to Trevor Noah’s Grammys Jokes: “God Will Not Be Mocked”
–– Though her very existence kinda does just that.
Nicki Minaj Says It Was the ‘Bullying’ President Trump Faced, Not His Policies, That Made Her Step Into Politics
–– Stepped in 'bullying' s**t.
Kid Rock's MAGA Country Music Festival Loses Shinedown and More Artists: 'We Don't Want to Participate in Something We Believe Will Create Division’
–– Hoping to land Shinedown cover band.
Jonathan Nolan Has Seen 'The Odyssey' and Heaps Praise on Brother's Film
–– C’mon, he’s a total homer.
Last Surviving Member of the Monkees Admits He'd 'Choke Up' Watching Footage of Late Bandmates
–– Forgot how truly bad they were.
Barbara Corcoran, 76, says getting a second bedroom prompted her to love her husband 'twice as much'
–– Or enough to be only mildly disgusted by his body near hers.
How a ‘Harry Potter’ Star Went From PG to B.D.S.M.
–– With spell Cumsummoreus Spankum.
28 Years Later: The Bone Temple has been pulled from theaters after a significant box office drop, and fans are asking Sony to "give it more time!"
–– Zombies still rotting!
‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’ RiffTrax Revival Kickstarter Earns Over $1.1 Million in First Day
–– Torgo from Manos: The Hands of Fate chipped in nickel.
Jim Henson Biographer Says Muppets Creator Cheated on Wife Jane and Had a 'Handshake of a Separation' After Strained Marriage
–– And she didn't know who that hand had been in.
Sherri Shepherd Says She’s “Overwhelmed” With Support Following Talk Show Cancellation
–– After being ‘underwhelmed’ by viewership.
Alamo Drafthouse Faces Backlash After Ditching No-Phones Policy: “Just an Overpriced AMC Now”
–– Forget the Alamo?
Ex-Prince Andrew Officially Moves Out of Royal Lodge Home as Police Assess New Epstein-Linked Allegations
–– Ass cess.
US Winter Olympics hospitality space changed from ‘Ice House’ to ‘Winter House’ following anti-ICE protests
–– Word itself is on rocks.
JD Vance gets booed at 2026 Olympics opening ceremony after official urged crowds to 'be respectful'
–– Crowd honored reality.
Five Things to Know About 2026 Winter Olympics Host Mary Carillo
–– 5) There aren’t five interesting facts about her.
Turning Point USA's alternate Super Bowl halftime show lineup announced
–– Point is for Turning off.
CBS pulls “60 Minutes” episode slated to rerun during Super Bowl after new contributor Peter Attia is named in Epstein files
–– Attia the hun.
Savannah Guthrie Pulls Out of NBC’s Winter Olympics Coverage as Mother Remains Missing
–– All downhill from there.
Penny the Doberman Pinscher Wins Best in Show at the 2026 Westminster Dog Show
–– Appropriate for new Nazi age.
Westminster Dog Show Honors Catherine O’Hara and Her ‘Best in Show’ Legacy: ‘A True Legend, Timeless Talent and Icon’
–– Fortune Cookie.
It’s Been Called the ‘Sistine Chapel of the New Deal.’ Don’t Destroy It.
–– Never say ‘new deal’ to these right-wing monsters.
Don’t Keep a Diary. Embrace the Fragments of Real Life Instead.
–– ‘Dear Diary, Today some pretentious twit in the New York Times said I should stop writing…’
A Pill for Women’s Libido Meets a Cultural Moment
–– Cures headaches?
How Weight Lifting Took Over America
–– Not just ‘weight’?
At 82, he’s as fit as a 20-year-old. His body holds clues to healthy aging.
–– Meanwhile, that 20-year-old better see doctor.
Yes, eating carrots can help your eyesight. But it’s not a cure-all.
–– You’d have to be Bugs to believe that.
A taste of America’s oldest restaurants
–– Comes with toothpick to remove cobwebs.
Buc-ee’s responds to rumor accusing founder of donating to ICE
–– More like Puk-ee’s.
My Favorite Frozen French Fries Are Even Better Than McDonald's—and Cheaper, Too
–– You already know I have great taste.
Is It Okay to Like the Tesla Diner?
–– We’ve already judged you for owning car, who cares what you eat while charging?
Naples Is Quietly Becoming The Place Where America’s New ‘Old Money’ Hides
–– So hideout for America’s Mafia.
Man Who Reportedly Berated Flight Crew Who Refused Him Alcohol Was Pressing Reading Light Instead of Call Button, Testifies Attendant
–– Lit up like bright idea over head!
Luigi Mangione Makes Outburst in Court After Murder Trial Moved Up
–– Wouldn't think he'd be attention-seeker.
Dog the Bounty Hunter’s stepson arrested in connection with fatal shooting of 13-year-old son
–– The little bitch.
Fossil poo, fossil vomit, fossil penis.. - 10 world's weirdest, bizarrest fossils that will have you scratching your head”
–– Or covering your mouth.
Can humans and chimpanzees interbreed?
–– For cash?
From two penises to regrowing teeth and playing dead – discover 14 amazing snake facts you (probably) won't have heard before
–– Unless you're on some really weird bestiality porn sites.
Back from the dead: meet 10 incredible animals once thought extinct
–– 10) Reantimator, 9) Vampire Rat, 8) Zombee, 7) Lazarussian Bear, 6) Seaghoul, 5) Grave Wolf, 4) Draccoon, 3) Frankenstein's Hamster, 2) Narcolepus, and 1) Jesus Christ Superstarfish.
Researchers Say This Paleolithic Teenage Boy Died a Slow Death After a Bear Mauled Him
–– In Fire Island Pines.
After the Dinosaur-Killing Asteroid Wrecked the Planet, Life May Have Bounced Back Surprisingly Fast
–– Hope in Trumpozoic Era?
This Massive Hillside Figure Has Mystified Historians for Centuries. Now, Donations Have Secured the Surrounding Landscape
–– And allowed trimming of massive junk.
As cold-stunned invasive iguanas fall from trees, Floridians scoop them up for killing
–– Florida Man licks iggy-pops.
