'76 Trump Boners
Week of 06/12/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
How Trump decided to host a UFC fight at the White House
–– Are hallucinations decisions?
Inside the White House Freakout Over the Epstein File
–– Did we miss part when Trump was indicted?
Trump Family, UFC Selling $12,000 'Freedom 250'-Themed Coins Ahead Of White House Fight Night
–– Price calculated on average number of neurons in MAGA brain.
Jimmy Kimmel Ridicules Trump's $12,000 UFC Fight Commemorative Coin That Has 'No Face Value': It Takes 'Special Kind of Con Man' to Sell Supporters 'Money They Cannot Spend'
–– Designed to fit comfortably up old ass.
Temperatures Soaring So High That Trump’s UFC Fighters May Just Collapse in the Heat
–– Or shame if they had any.
UFC Fighter Appearing At Trump’s Birthday Cage Match Once Said Michelle Obam Was A Man
–– Is he?
Melania Trump Making Unexpected Move on Donald Trump’s Birthday — Report
–– Pantomiming retching.
Trump Threatens New Strikes on Iran, Says U.S. Will Seize Its Oil and Gas Markets
–– Yeah that oughta…
Trump cancels US strikes in Iran and suggests agreement is close
–– …teach 'em.
Trump is raising expectations that this time he really will close deal with Iran to wind down war
–– Based on typical cool calm assessment.
Netanyahu defies Trump as Iran, Lebanon drive wedge
–– In crack of Hormuz.
Trump Says U.S. ‘Must’ Respond After Confirming Iran Shot Down Apache Helicopter
–– ‘Geronimo… !’
Number of Pardoned Jan. 6 Rioters Who Reoffended Even Worse Than Known
–– Just like their hero.
Trump issues pardon to former GOP congressman convicted of insider trading
–– Because he's outsider law.
Trump saw 22 specialists in latest medical exam — nearly double his previous checkup
–– None could begin to explain cause of irrational behavior.
Kennedy Shows Minimal Engagement With Vast Health Portfolio
–– Aww, stop needling anti-vaxxer!
Scott Bessent visibly rattled after getting fact-checked to his face for claiming ‘groceries are going down’ in America
–– Sure, when consumed.
Trump ‘frustrated with everyone’ from his White House to Congress as his agenda stalls: report
–– Even his agenda is like, ‘Dude, look at me, what did you expect?’
Trump’s Todd Blanche for AG nomination is the ultimate ‘shoot a man on Fifth Avenue’ moment for Republicans
–– More like set off IED in DOJ.
Huge ‘8647’ etched into grass on the National Mall, aerial images show
–– Blanche threatens lawnsuit.
After Mormon lawmakers object, Pentagon revises Christian religious categories
–– Animists, Wiccans, Jedi really pissed.
Judge Throws Out Policy Imposing $100,000 Fees for Skilled Worker Visas
–– Observers fear judiciary might hurt self tossing so much illegal Trump baggage.
This agent sent models to meet Jeffrey Epstein. Now he’s trying to explain why.
–– Not for money?
Charlie Kirk’s killing convinced Vances to try for a fourth child, JD Vance says
–– Give another shot?
Spencer Pratt’s Game Was No Match For L.A.’s Democratic Machine
–– Took donkey punch.
Pratt lost because he was a laughable candidate. Period. | Opinion
–– Not even enough prats in LA to elect.
What Spencer Pratt’s Defeat Tells Us About the American City
–– Not quite as insane as American country.
Elephant at Texas GOP Convention Shocks Audience by Peeing All Over the floor
–– Needs Trump-sized diaper.
With two Dan Sullivans in Alaska’s Senate race, Republicans cry foul
–– Knowing exactly how stupid voters are.
Why most politicians are not calling for data center bans despite voters’ anger
–– Data center bribes.
Leaked Audio Shows GOP Candidate Agreeing That Women Should ‘Prove’ Rape To Access Abortion
–– He should 'prove' he's aerobe to access oxygen.
China’s Xi vows unwavering support for North Korea's Kim in rare Pyongyang visit
–– Like in-bred hamster he never had.
Elon Musk is the world’s first trillionaire (on paper) thanks to the SpaceX IPO
–– And am I POed!
Is SpaceX Worth $1.77 Trillion? It’s a Pie in the Sky, Some Investors Say
–– Like huge flying Moon Pie?
Scott Pelley Thanks Fans for Support After ’60 Minutes’ Firing: ‘You Are the Wind in My Sails’
–– Statement blows away much sympathy.
Is Bari Weiss Breaking the News? Her Tumultuous ‘60 Minutes’ Overhaul Triggers New Fears at CBS
–– Bari it deep?
Former ‘60 Minutes’ Staffers Unload on Bari Weiss: ‘Everything She’s Touched Has Turned to S—’
–– Gone in 60 seconds?
Paramount CEO Ellison Tells Lesley Stahl ’60 Minutes’ Will Have Editorial Independence
–– Learned to lie from masters: dad, Trump.
Justice Dept. Clears Way for Paramount-Warner Bros. Merger
–– AI decided it would be quickest way to destroy Hollywood.
Jon Stewart Compares Trump Leaving the White House to Iron Man Exiting the MCU: Will MAGA 'Buy Someone Else Running That Universe?'
–– More like Iron Head.
Natalie Portman, Justine Triet and Jacques Audiard Defend Israeli Director Nadav Lapid: ‘The Cultural Boycott Is an Intellectual Failure’
–– Economically not so much.
Meghan McCain wants Jimmy Kimmel ‘off air’ for good, slams him as ‘mean, heartless bastard’
–– How does that compare with mean, brainless bitch?
Don’t Ask Sean Penn for a Selfie — Even If You’re a Holocaust Survivor
–– How about autograph if you’ve got Penn?
Happier than ever, Gary Oldman isn’t ready to quit ‘Slow Horses’ anytime soon
–– Won’t go out like Lamb?
Dwight from ‘The Office’ says fame didn’t bring him happiness. Something else did.
–– Masseuse’s hand job?
Jodie Foster Says Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro 'Couldn't Stop Giggling' While Teaching Her How to Unzip a Fly on 'Taxi Driver' Set: 'They Were Just So Nervous'
–– Never asked 13-year-old before?
'SNL' writer recalls O.J. Simpson calling every Sunday to complain about jokes at his expense
–– Afraid they didn't kill.
Hugh Jackman to Play Pirate Long John Silver in 'Treasure Island' Movie Directed by Ridley Scott
–– Will stress character argh.
Vin Diesel says that Groot might be Disney's 'most valuable asset'
–– Groot to love him?
Jason Momoa drops out of Justin Lin’s ‘Helldivers’ movie
–– Bails?
Idris Elba Saya James Bond Doesn’t Need to Be ‘Woke’ and Audiences ‘Won’t Go for a Black Male’
–– Or blackmail?
Mamie Van Doren recalls 'wonderfully heart-stopping' sex with Che Guevara
–– So that’s what killed him.
Madonna Brings ‘Confessions II’ to Tribeca Festival: Short Film Features Benedict Cumberbatch, Julia Garner and “Lasers Coming Out of Every Orifice”
–– S'lit!
JFK Jr.’s nephew reacts to Madonna saying his uncle was ‘best f–––‘of her life
–– ‘Like a-vergin’ on gross!’
Rico Nasty Doesn’t Believe Dinosaurs Ever Existed: ‘People Didn’t Even Draw Pictures of Them”
–– And added, for real, ‘Are there any ancient photos in the pyramids of dinosaurs.’
Former Prince Andrew Sublet Cottages on Royal Property Where He Lived Rent-Free
–– Lease-liked man in UK.
Knicks fans warn Trump to expect hostile reception at NBA Finals game
–– And have knickers in twist.
President Trump roundly booed by New York crowd at NBA Finals Game 3 at MSG
–– Before dribbling while getting personally foul in box.
6 wounded in stabbing at New York’s Penn Station ahead of NBA finals
–– It’s never right victim.
Trump's Response To Stephen A. Smith's Knicks Loss Take Is Oh So Predictable, Critics Say
–– You mean when he congratulated African-American for their perspicacity?
NBA Finals: A Wu-Tang prayer, OG Anunoby, Jose Alvarado and the greatest comeback in NBA history
–– And some orange, snoozy pantload didn’t show up.
“They can watch it on television" - Trump dismisses outrage over $9,000 Knicks Finals tickets
–– "While panhandling on the street, looking in through a bar's window."
The Knicks Give Free Tickets To Celebs, But As Emily Ratajkowski Found Out, There Are Expectations
–– Not that you’re just famous for boobage?
Spike Lee Has A Blunt Request For ‘Motherf**king ICE’ If The Knicks Win The NBA Finals
–– In champagne bucket.
Mariska Hargitay Sprinted From Her Broadway Show to the Knicks Game: “I Love My Husband ... but It Might Have Been the Greatest Night of My Life”
–– Husband threatens to slam dunk vows.
MLB to question Dodgers team doctor over alleged involvement in PED use by Conor McGregor, per report
–– Aiding, abetting PEDophile?
What it’s like to have your nude body auctioned for tens of millions
–– Body which wouldn't have gotten $1.50 if not painted by Lucien Freud.
I was 24 when I met my biological father. Then we had an affair.
–– Is there Father’s Day card for that?
The Era of the Tiger Mom Is Over. Enter the Beta Mom.
–– Not better children.
How much sleep do you really need? It’s not 8 hours.
–– We won’t lose any waiting for answer.
Your Body Odor Changes With Age. Luckily, We Found A Solution To 'Old People Smell.'
–– Body bags.
A Man Who Donated His Body to Science Shocked Medical Students With His 'Triple Penis'
–– And 1/2 dozen 'eggs.'
How to Handle a Manipulative Creep at the Office
–– White House staff… thoughts?
Want to save money at the grocery store? It’s harder than you think
–– Especially if you can’t do arithmetic.
What Ben Franklin’s ‘Drinker’s Dictionary’ tells Americans today
–– We've always been nation of sots.
I Tried Hot Subs from 4 Popular Sandwich Chains—There's Only One I'd Order Again and Again
–– If the plumbing can bear it.
44,000 Diners Voted on the Best-Tasting Fast-Food Burger — This Chain Came Out on Top
–– Five Guys can patty selves on back.
‘A man of great appetites’: what’s it like to be a dictator’s personal chef?
–– When you’re flipping burgers at McDonald’s for Trump?
Change Up The McDonald's Filet-O-Fish By Ordering It French-Style
–– Throw out, eat escargots instead.
Texas woman injured by McDonald’s Sausage McMuffin ‘wholly unfit for human consumption’: suit
–– McMuffin being held in cell with Hamburglar.
A World-Class Omakase in America’s Most Landlocked State
–– Sushi delivered by stagecoach.
No-Dough Potato Pizza
–– All d’oh!
Why I’m proud to serve foie gras
–– I f**kin’ hate geese!!
Bananas could vanish from US school meals. Here’s why
–– Monkeys in kitchen.
Parents are ‘going broke on berries’
–– That’s gotta be euphemism, right?
I’m a 38DD—My Miami Packing List Included a Supportive and Flattering Swimsuit That Made My Chest Immune to Gravity
–– Metal scaffolding on wheels helped.
Sagrada Família’s 144-year journey nears its end with the Tower of Jesus Christ
–– Unholy mess nearly complete.
Huge American Flag Flies Into Power Lines, Knocking Out Power for Thousands
–– WWE flag.
Turkey Leg Hut Co-Founder Admits Role in Houston Bar 5015 Arson Plot
–– Hot wings on menu.
Son of Author Michael Chabon Pleads Guilty to Choking Charge
–– Judge afraid he migh be the Escapist.
West Texas fugitive dead after killing 1 and injuring 10 in shooting following an over 30-hour manhunt
–– No suspects under 30?
Sicily By Car founder under police protection after arson attacks
–– Cross Godfather in Palermo, you drive Sicily By Hearse.
This creature was dubbed the Sasquatch of the sea. Scientists just found it.
–– Also called Bigfin.
Scientists gave an octopus a mirror. Here’s what happened next
–– Facials, endless mani-tentis.
“He may have had his leg grabbed by a crocodile and his head pulled by a leopard" 10 gruesome deaths and brutal moments preserved forever as fossils
–– Did he get selfie?
Who was 'Mike the Headless Chicken' – and just how long did he live without a head?
–– And how many times did he run for elective office?
“It moves like a cat, climbs like a primate and is usually found high up in trees." 5 weirdest, bizarrest wild dogs on the planet
–– 5. Wingo Dingo, 4. Wildly Coyote, 3. Jackal-in-the-Box, 2. Mongrel Hoarder, 1.
10 deadliest, most ruthless, savage primates on the planet – "Their hunting expeditions involve intelligence, cooperation and utterly brutal violence."
–– 10. ICE agent, 9. Mighty Joe Young, 8.
“They simply moved in.” Thousands of tiny falcons are taking over this ancient Italian city
–– Claim squawkers’ rights.
This Woman's Brains Were Scooped Out and Her Bones Were Broken and Whittled in Scotland 2,000 Years Ago
–– Just for being Liverpool fan.
We've found a tiny particle that could erase the Universe at any moment
–– Sure you have.
Thai princess dies at 47 following years-long coma, Royal Palace says
–– Thai down.
Gordon S. Wood, eminent scholar of U.S. history, struck by car and killed at 92
–– Becomes history.
Robert Coles, Pulitzer-winning psychiatrist who shaped public policy, dies at 97
–– Raked-over Coles.
Bob Packwood, Senator Forced to Quit in Sex Scandal, Dies at 93
–– Unpacked.
–– Survived by his mustache.
Beloved British artist David Hockney dies at 88
–– Stretched out like canvas.
