The Voting Dead
Week of 10/30/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump escalates legal challenges against states as Election Day nears
–– Judges have to be high just to hear them.
Trump Confesses to Ordering Brazen Election Rigging Plot
–– Stuffing ballots from behind.
Judge orders DOJ to stop threatening to prosecute election officials
–– And just beat them up already.
Karoline Leavitt joins Elon Musk pushing conspiracy about Supreme Court if Democrats win in the midterms
–– One about tarring, feathering Alito and Thomas?
Exxon and Chevron report massive profits after Trump brags U.S. energy companies are ‘making a freaking fortune’ just before midterms
–– 'Freaking' you, the consumer.
Inside the breakdown of Trump’s $1.5 trillion Pentagon plan
–– Sounds like mental breakdown.
How a ‘blue wave’ ultimately could cripple the Democratic Party
–– Like ‘red wave’ wouldn’t wipe out entire nation.
A Disturbing New Report Reveals the Extent of Trump and Epstein’s Twisted Relationship
–– Two pees in a pod.
New Details of Rape Allegation Against Trump Revealed in House Democrats’ Epstein Report
–– Talk about relatable after last two years.
Obama Trashes Trump: "He's Got The White House Looking Like Saddam Hussein Opened Up A Cheesecake Factory
–– With Uday in kitchen, Qusay front of house.
Obama skewers Trump again, says he ‘wasn’t even mad about the Saddam Hussein comparison’
–– Secretly wished he'd said Adolf Hitler.
Hillary Clinton Says Trump Family’s Profits From Presidency Could Pay for a ‘Full Year of SNAP Benefits’ for 1.3 Million People: ‘The Corruption Is Rife’
–– Only snap is of his fingers to toadies.
Trump Erupted After Learning of Alina Habba’s $50 Million Deal
–– He wanted his cut. No, really.
Trump claims US has best healthcare in the world even if it doesn’t cover everyone
–– Like Dr. Kevorkian saying, ’You never looked better’ before lethal injection.
Stephen Moore: It’d be appropriate for Republicans to say ‘I feel your pain’ on economy
–– Another former Trump flunky pretending to be human.
RFK Jr. tells struggling Americans to eat liver, cheaper meat — then says ribeye is his favorite cut
–– Roadkill liver.
Trump given 'man of the century’ award
–– 12th.
Ted Cruz warns Republicans: AOC "could win" the White House in 2028
–– Like warning Ilhan Omar might.
Mamdani Makes a Splash … With His Bidets
–– His balls that big?
Trump at South Florida rally revives the idea of military intervention in Cuba after Iran
–– After?
Jared Kushner phone hack found billions in secret UAE fund, report claims
–– And texts of commiseration for Subway's Jared in prison.
Israel is holding its most important election in years. Here’s what’s at stake
–– Nation's self-respect. Oops.
Netanyahu sounds "emergency" as Israel election turnout highest in 50 years
–– Almost entirely of his making.
María Corina Machado, Venezuela’s Leading Opposition Figure, Returns Home
–– Caracas open the champagne?
Lula defeats Trump ally Bolsonaro, keeping Brazil left as Latin America shifts righ
–– Bolsonaro took it like a man.
Raskin says oil companies will face consequences for importing Russian diesel
–– Besides skyrocketing profits?
Crow: Elon Musk having control to cut off Starlink to Ukraine is ‘beyond disturbing to me’
–– What, oligarchy not to your liking?
Robert Reich: Democrats Should "Defund Musk," Start "Laying Groundwork To Nationalize Starlink And SpaceX"
–– After spacing and neutering.
Famed Humanitarian Gives Melania Brutal Reality Check About ‘Ceasefire’
–– About as solid as her marriage.
Freed Russian prisoner Stephen Hubbard tells Trump he 'wouldn’t have lasted another year’
–– Says he plans to visit old mother in cupboard.
‘We make shit houses great again’: Visit Norway cleans up after Trump’s insult
–– Ass low Norway.
Nvidia Chief Seen as Target of Chinese Spy Plot
–– Nvidious.
Big Tech’s Data Center Blitz Is Burning Through Cash and Scaring Wall Street
–– Profit statements more effective than Haunted House tour.
Aaron Sorkin After ‘The Social Reckoning’: “I’m Very Worried That the Parts of Directing That I’m Not Good at Are Those Parts That You Can’t Learn”
–– Honest to his faults.
10 actresses over 6 feet tall – and what they’ve said about their height
–– Which we didn’t hear from way up there.
Alexander Skarsgård’s ‘Wicker’ character has fans whipped into a frenzy. His costars have a simple theory why.
–– They're basket cases.
Jennifer Lawrence Says ‘Absolutely F—ing Not’ to Transforming Into X-Men’s Mystique Again
–– Makes her feel blue?
Jennifer Lawrence says her ‘butthole’ never bounced back after welcoming 2 kids
–– Used to bounce like nickel on trampoline.
Hugh Hefner’s Widow Calls MAGA Comedian ‘One Of The Biggest Pervs’ To Visit Playboy Mansion
–– Lovitz or leave it.
Hugh Hefner's widow claims Jack Nicholson treated the Playboy Mansion as his 'drive-thru' for food
–– Daughter-pounder with cheese.
Michael Douglas Gives Rare Update on Friend Jack Nicholson: ‘He Has Disappeared’
–– Only thing left is Cheshire cat smile.
Michael Douglas Is ‘Still Tight’ with Friend Danny DeVito, Says the Actor Read His Memoir in One Night and Was ‘Bawling’
–– Was a little too tight.
Two Actors Reportedly Exit James Bond Race as ‘Clear Favorite’ Emerges
–– One through jet window shot out by Beretta, other thrown from skyscraper by Jaws.
Liam Neeson Reveals Kangaroos Nearly Disrupted Filming of His New Action Movie in Australia
–– Rooed the day?
‘Harry Potter’ HBO Series Casts Sorting Hat, Nearly Headless Nick, and More Hogwarts Ghosts and Portraits
–– Who’s playing the owl, the Cloak of Invisibility, the frickin' wand?
Martin Scorsese Says His Angelina Jolie ‘Cleopatra’ Movie Was ‘Ruined’ by Sony Hack
–– Some pain in the asp.
Ali G Does Not Belong Here Anymore
–– Perhaps, but do we take Scaachi Koul’s word for it?
Noah Wyle says Eddie Murphy told him to f—- off’ when he was 9 years old
–– What he’s said to all fans with last 35 years on screen.
Behind Sharon Stone's 'Basic Instinct' Leg-Crossing Scene
–– We saw what was behind knees.
’Cocaine is the Gollum of drugs’ – and other things we learned from Anthony LaPaglia’s surprisingly juicy memoir
–– Pot it’s Sméagol?
David Byrne Reveals How He Avoided Falling into the 'Cycle' of Addiction as a Rock Star and Why He Was 'Done' with Drugs
––
Macklemore Launches Sold-Out Free Palestine Tour in Dublin With Hozier, Kneecap and Ed Sheeran’s Backing Band
–– Making audiences suffer like Gazans.
David Bowie Returns to Berlin With Immersive Event
–– You’ll want to sit as far back as possible.
Miranda Lambert Says Fan Told Her ‘Gunpowder & Lead’ Gave Her the ‘Courage’ to ‘Shoot’ a Man: ‘We Cried Together’
–– Heart-warming. Would Delia’s Gone work as well in court?
Elizabeth Holmes Gives a Batman Villain a Run for His Money
–– As Popeye?
Pat Murphy trashes 'horses--t Yankees team' to Jake Bauers after Brewers' World Series win
–– Even Famous Racing Sausages 'a little embarrassed.'
Bill Belichick, 74, and Jordon Hudson, 25, secretly split late last year — months before loved-up appearance in May: report
–– This week in ‘Stop the presses!’
Why Are We Having Less Sex? Ask a Pornographer.
–– Who's sneering at you.
Spectatoring During Sex Could Be Why You’re Stuck in Your Head
–– Does that have something to do with spitting?
Boomer women are dating after divorce. Men don’t always meet their standards.
–– Even pot-bellied crotchety old bastards with demntia?
Did You Know That I Have Been Breathing All Wrong?
–– We didn’t know you were breathing.
When will there be a flying car in your garage? Not anytime soon.
–– Then on its roof?
Why headlights seem more blinding than ever
–– News flash.
Here’s what to expect if you’re taking a month off from drinking
–– Dreams of next month
I’ve Tried Every Way To Bake A Potato––This 1 Wins Every Time
–– By David Byrne.
‘We Need to Win.’ Inside the Five-Year Quest to Reinvent the Goldfish.
–– Make salty snack waterproof.
McDonald's must face lawsuit over McRib, US judge rules
–– Have no bone to pick.
This Is Apparently The Most Hated Pizza Topping & We’re Honestly Shocked
–– Dryer lint.
Italy’s Looming Food Shortage May be the Tip of the Iceberg
–– Pasta point of no ritorni?
I Asked 3 Chefs if Jarred Garlic Is Really as Bad as People Say—and They All Said the Same Thing
–– Tell them to send sous chef over to chop ours fresh.
This Restaurant Has Been Perfecting One Meal Since 1949
–– And still haven’t got right.
Ammonia threat contained at burning Oregon seafood plant, officials say
–– Great to know they’re keeping provisions toilet-bowl clean.
Christa Pike speaks out after execution attempt: ‘I’m deeply hurt’
–– Maybe botched execution is best punishment.
’He’s Not the Same Baby’: Family of Child Found Alive in Morgue Recalls Ordeal
–– If he’s not, then we’re confused…
Woman woke up to see stranger invited into bedroom by husband, court hears
–– Was Uber Eats driver, but still…
The family thought he was a priest. The Church says he was an impostor
–– In impastor?
Charles Manson’s children: Where they are now and how they feel about their father
–– Isn’t it little late for feel-good Dad’s Day story?
A Broken Nose, a Damaged Arm, and a Gruesome Grave. This Man From Roman Scotland Now Has a Face
–– Looks like man from present-day Scotland any Saturday night.
Archaeologists Found a 2,000-Year-Old Garden Beneath a Church. It May Be the Site of Jesus’s Tomb.
–– Or, y’know, a garden.
Crafted From Bone, This 2,800-Year-Old Flute Unearthed in Troy May Have Been Played Around the Time That Homer Composed 'The Iliad' and 'The Odyssey'
–– Does headline writer think those were musical pieces?
Susan Saint James, Emmy-Winning Star of ‘Kate & Allie’ and ‘McMillan & Wife,’ Dies at 80
–– Kiss me off Kate.
Walter Koenig, Chekov on Original ‘Star Trek,’ Dies at 90
–– Check off.
William Shatner Pays Tribute to ‘Star Trek’ Co-Star Walter Koenig: “Deeply Saddened”
–– "…it wasn't Sulu.'
Oscar-nominated actress Barbara Barrie, of ‘Breaking Away’ and ‘Suddenly Susan’ dies at 95
–– Dead and Barrie.
Elke Sommer Dies: ‘A Shot In The Dark’, ‘The Wrecking Crew’ Actor Was 85
–– She inspired quite a few shots in the dark.
Dolores Huerta, the fiery and resolute activist who helped launch the nation’s first enduring union for poor farmworkers, dies
–– Picked off.
Patrick Stewart, ‘Star Trek’ Captain and ‘X-Men’ Superhero, Dies at 86
–– Where every man has gone before.
Patrick Stewart Said He’d Never Retire From Acting in Final Interview: “I’ll Always and Forever Be an Actor”
–– Currently touring provinces in Purgatory.
William Shatner and ‘Star Trek’ Family Mourn Patrick Stewart With Picard Tributes: ‘Godspeed, Captain’
–– Make it so-so.
Patrick Stewart Was Shakespearean Even When Talking to Squirrels
–– And the beautiful tributes just keep pouring in.
