Straits Shooter
Week of 03/13/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
How Trump and His Advisers Miscalculated Iran’s Response to War
–– Willfully not thinking about it.
Businesses Ask the TACO Question About Iran
–– Worst queso scenario.
Trump administration underestimated Iran war’s impact on Strait of Hormuz
-– Would be Hormuzous if not so sad.
Iran’s new supreme leader says Strait of Hormuz will remain closed in first message to public
–– First of Khamenei?
Economy was shakier than it appeared heading into Iran conflict
–– Who could’ve given that misimpression?
Iran’s new supreme leader has been selected, says deciding body
–– Nepo booby!
Source: New Iranian supreme leader had fractured foot and face lacerations on first day of war
–– Still less lame than duck in WH.
Trump and Netanyahu Are No Longer on the Same Page
–– Though reading from same copy of
Wesley Clark Sees No Chance of Regime Change in Iran: ‘They Can Play Rope-a-Dope for a Long Time’
–– Especially with this dope.
Ex-Navy SEAL warns US halting strikes on Iran would be 'victory for the regime’
–– Fox News gets nothing but most brilliant analysis.
Leavitt Snaps at CBS Reporter for Asking About Trump’s Serial Fabrications
––
FBI warns Iran aspires to threaten California with drones
–– When it grows up.
Hegseth Scoffs at 60 Minutes Questioning If Iran Was an Imminent Threat: ‘Silly and Academic’
–– Which are dead US soldiers?
Pete Hegseth Blew Billions on Fruit Basket Stands, Chairs, and Crab
–– Didja know fruit basket stands make great wine cooler holders when you're railing an Alaskan King crab?
Pentagon bars press photographers over ‘unflattering’ Hegseth photos
–– Punchable face fully visible.
How Hegseth Came to See Moral Purpose in War as Weakness
–– Fox, booze drowned whatever feeble conscience he started with.
Hegseth Tells 60 Minutes the Trump Admin Reserves The Right to Put Boots on the Ground in Iran: ‘We’re Willing to Go As Far As We Need’
–– Someone needs to put boot up his ass.
‘Everyone’s afraid not to wear them’: Trump buys $145 shoes for his top men
–– Ones that will fit up their behinds.
Voice Actor Demands White House Remove Him From Trump ‘War Porn’ Post
–– Like
Pentagon Tells Congress First Week of Iran War Cost More Than $11.3 Billion
–– Which means 5x that.
U.S. Tomahawk Hit Naval Base Beside Iranian School, Video Shows
–– And…
U.S. at Fault in Strike on School in Iran, Preliminary Inquiry Says
–– … maybe, perhaps, probably, certainly school next to it.
Kaitlan Collins Asks Fetterman Why He’s the Only Democratic Senator Who Didn’t Sign Letter Demanding Answers on Bombing of Iranian School
–– He’s one with most brain damage.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Accuses Leavitt Of Leaving Door Open For A Draft, But There's Just 1 Problem
–– Only hot air blowing in?
Mike Johnson warns Sharia law 'serious problem' after GOP rep's anti-Muslim post
–– Trump’s Shitheelia law far more dire.
Maher on support for Iran strikes: ‘I just don’t get what liberals don’t get about liberation’
–– Or what he’s knocking back as libation.
Trump’s wearing of baseball cap during dignified transfer draws criticism
–– More of head visible would provide far greater disrespect.
UAE, an oasis for business and partying, faces war
–– Oasis now a mirage.
British tourist among 20 charged in Dubai over videos of Iranian missile strikes
–– Can be jailed for reporting temperature over 100ºF half the time.
Why Congress keeps handing Trump its power
–– Republicans are abysmal scum? Just educated guess.
Trump says White House is sending “our love” to the Jewish community in Michigan
–– You don’t know where that love has been. See below.
FBI Met Four Times With Woman Who Said Trump Assaulted Her When She Was 13
–– Chew on that.
Key Details of 13-Year-Old Trump Accuser’s Accounts Are Verified
–– Out of the mouth of babe.
The doctor who conducted Jeffrey Epstein's autopsy explains why she hesitated to declare his death a suicide
–– Knew conspiracy industry would be this hot.
Prison Guard Made Mysterious Big Deposits and Google Searches Before Epstein’s Death: DOJ
–– After typed in, 'was Epstein well-hung?'
BOMBSHELL: Trump Accuser Got Payoff from Jeffrey Epstein Estate, Says Dem Lawmaker
–– Small change.
The Most Unexpected People Named in the Latest Unsealed Epstein Files — From Michael Jackson to Diana Ross and More
–– Jackson ‘most unexpected’?
The Trump Administration Wrongly Took $160 Billion and Won’t Give It Back
–– In latest euphemism for 'stole.'
The national debt isn’t $39 trillion. One economist says it’s actually $100 trillion
–– Debt to rights.
The US economy grew just 0.7% last quarter, ahead of a potentially destabilizing war with Iran
–– Or half what Administration claimed initially so that only count as half-lie.
Federal judge quashes Justice Department subpoenas of Fed Chair Jerome Powell, says probe was politically motivated
–– This week in ‘stating the obvious.’
Key 2020 election denier is still working to prove it was stolen — now from inside the White House
–– How does he have time for primary job of picking nits off monkey testicles?
Secretary of State Frank LaRose gives info of 8 million Ohio voters to Trump Justice Department
–– LaRose by any other name would smell like shit.
Whistleblower claims ex-DOGE member says he took Social Security data to new job
–– We always though it should be DOUCHE, Department of Unregulated Corrupt Hacking Evildoers.
‘How Is She Serious?': Critics Mock 'Delusional' Melania Trump After Bonkers Speech
–– Malignin' her?
Kennedy to Undergo Rotator Cuff Surgery
–– Should be ready for opening day on mound for MAHA Maniacs.
Trump administration does about face on autism treatment
–– What direction are they facing now?
The Trump DOJ is giving guns back to felons, including one alleged fake elector
–– With free ammo!
President Trump Reportedly Revoked Kristi Noem’s Free Mar-a-Lago Membership Amid DHS Exit
–– Has to use public
Trump’s Favorite Attorney, 41, Ditches Husband for Mar-a-Lago
–– Alina back on market, sugar daddys! Habba-Habba.
Former Sen. Kyrsten Sinema Admits to Affair with Bodyguard as His Ex-Wife Seeks More Than $75K in Damages
–– Was ‘bisexual’ to buy votes?
NYC Mayor Mamdani’s wife liked social media post calling Oct 7 sexual violence investigation a ‘hoax’: report
–– Hamas home point.
US judge voids 2025 actions taken by Kari Lake as Voice of America CEO, including job cuts
–– Lake's snow effect.
Donald Trump Isn't Invited to Obama Center's Grand Opening, but George W. Bush Will Be
–– Needs second-worst President of Modern Era to make him look good.
Russian attacks have destroyed 80% of Ukraine energy and heat infrastructure
–– So now its Cold War?
Russians say Iran attack shows U.S. can’t be trusted in Ukraine talks
–– Kremlin’s truthful statement for year.
Lords a-leaving: Britain is ejecting hereditary nobles from Parliament after 700 years
–– Royal scamp.
‘Proceed with caution’: Elon Musk offers warning after Amazon reportedly held mandatory meeting to address ‘high blast radius’
–– ‘Like I did with DOGE.’
Kennedy Center’s President Is Leaving After Tumultuous Year
–– Like fairy tale Cancel and Grenell.
Trump announces Ric Grenell is stepping down as Kennedy Center's president
–– After falling on ass?
David Ellison Visits Warner Bros., Concedes “Turbulent” Start In Meeting With Execs
–– Paramounts to very little.
David Zaslav Gets the Last Laugh
–– Produced crap, lost money, tripled ‘value’ of company, walked away with reported $800 mil.
Kristi Noem's $220M Homeland Security Horseback Riding Ad Dwarfed the Budgets of These 2026 Best Picture Nominees
–– Does have more coherent plot than half of them.
Sean Penn, Please Don’t Skip the Oscars
–– We really want to make fun of your leathery apperance.
The new Oscar for ‘best casting’ is wildly overdue – here’s why
–– Like giving prize to LinkedIn.
'Hamnet' hits streaming: Where to watch all the 2026 Oscars Best Picture nominations ahead of the Academy Awards
–– Hear that ‘squish’?
No One Ever Dominated the Oscars Like Francis Ford Coppola in 1975
–– Made statuette offer he couldn't refuse.
’The View’ Hosts Tell Timothée Chalamet to ‘Be Careful Boy’ After Disparaging Ballet and Opera: ‘Didn’t Realize That He Was That Vapid’
–– Vapid fire response.
Doja Cat Takes Back Timothée Chalamet Criticism and Says 'I've Never Been to a Ballet' or Opera: My Outrage Was 'Virtue Signaling… a Way to Garner Clicks, Likes, Approval'
–– ‘I’m with the philistine!’
Tig Notaro Needed to ‘Let Go’ of Cheryl Hines Friendship and Exited Their Podcast Over RFK JR.’s MAGA Ties: ‘Oh, She’s Gone… It’s Been Very Strange’
–– Tigged off?
Nick Offerman Rips ‘Sovereign’ Co-Star Dennis Quaid as ‘Crazy Trump Guy’ Who ‘Kept It Under Wraps’
–– Guess he doesn't Google co-stars.
Trump Comms Chief Melts Down At Colbert In ‘Prick' Post
–– Cunnie Cheung.
Harrison Ford Says 'Of Course' He's Had Sex While Listening to His Own Movie Soundtracks
–– Particularly The Force Awakens, The Rise of Skywalker.
Harrison Ford Says Michael J. Fox's Attitude on Shrinking Set 'Makes Me Ashamed of Myself’
–– All those ‘spaz’ jokes?
Rosanna Arquette Says Quentin Tarantino Has Been Given “Hall Pass” to Use N-Word in Films: “It’s Not Art, It’s Just Racist and Creepy”
–– Maybe so, but consider source.
William Shatner, 94, Undergoes Surgery After Devastating Horse Accident
–– Horse still pissed he got on back at age 93.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Claims He's Finally Making Sequels To Three Of His Classic Movies
–– Commando II will be filmed in care facility.
Why Music Legend Roberta Flack Declined Clint Eastwood's Request to Use Her Classic Ballad in His Movie: 'I Said No'
–– Until she said yesand had career.
Oliver Stone on 40 Years of 'Platoon,' the War in Iran and Hollywood Turning on Him Over Politics: 'I've Learned My Lesson. Keep Your Views Quiet'
–– Yeah, was conspiracy of all those right-wingers… who could do math.
Liza Minnelli says her 'center of gravity crumbled' after finding husband Peter Allen in bed with another man
–– Was already orbiting somewhere near Pluto.
Kurt Russell Reveals How Elvis Presley Reacted When He Kicked Him in the Shins for a Movie
–– Said, ‘That’s all you got? Punch me in my balls.’
Larry David Describes Collaborating With Obama on HBO Series: “I’m President Here”
–– Was no drama, Obama.
Rihanna, A$AP Rocky and their kids were home when a woman shot at their house
–– Hid A$AP.
Sammy Hagar Says He'll Never Play with Alex Van Halen Again Because He's a 'Negative' Person
–– Thought he has Hagar the Horrible.
What happened to the Late Queen's corgis after Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor was booted from Royal Lodge?
–– Checked in with national sexual assault hotline.
Princess Diana Was Preparing Prince Harry to Be King, Believing 'Shy' Prince William Didn’t Want 'Top Job,' Friend Says
–– Rare instance of good taste in men.
Charlie Munger Said It's Evil And Asinine To Keep Pumping Chemotherapy Into People 'That Are All But Dead' Just To Make Money 'After The Game Is Over'
–– Guess Charlie isn’t invested in cancer drugs.
Dave Ramsey: “You Make $140K. Stay Out of Restaurants, Don’t Go on Vacation, And Get Rid of the Ferrari Bike”
–– 'And pray you make it to 90 to justify denying self joy of living.'
How Older Adults Are Improving Their ‘Sex Span’
–– Suspending from bridges?
What is limerence, and are you confusing it with love?
–– Love’s not pretentious literary conceit?
Man Rushes to the Hospital After Turning Blue. He Couldn't Stop Laughing at His Diagnosis
–– Had sweaty sex with Smurf!
Nebraska veteran becomes oldest organ donor in U.S. history at 100 years old
–– Classic long liver.
Your social media ‘addiction’ is overrated
–– By Mark Zuckerberg's driver.
Golden Corral Customer Suffers ‘Irreversible Injuries’ After Alleged Attack by Staff who Accused Him of Dine and Dash: Complaint
–– Meal had already compromised vital organs.
McDonald's Filet-O-Fish Sandwich Used To Have Its Own Mascot — And It Was Kind Of Cute
–– Phil A. O’Fish followed an even shorter-lived mascot, the Hooker who flogged Fellate-A-Fish.
When is Pi Day? See 3/14 deals, freebies and more at Ohio restaurants
–– We’ll have 3.14 slices.
Beloved rum, bourbon, vodka brand files Chapter 7 bankruptcy
–– This week in ‘misused adjectives.’
Connecticut officer having "mild anxiety attack" took ambulance sent for man dying from police shooting, investigation finds
–– After demanding Swedish massage from officer who was applying pressure to wound.
Snakes are hanging from cave ceilings on this Caribbean island. They're waiting for something
–– Someone to yank them.
Frogs with the best mating calls may also carry the most parasites
–– Obviously true of humans, too.
The CIA once trained cats to be Cold War spies
–– Molecats?
France returns sacred talking drum looted from Côte d’Ivoire over 100 years ago
–– Drum, ‘Merci!’
Everything you wanted to know about Henry VIII and his wives
–– VIII is enough.
Letter written by Mary, Queen of Scots, prior to beheading draws crowds
–– One written after draws wows!
US forecasts blizzard, polar vortex, heat dome and atmospheric river all at once
–– Need the Daniels to direct weather report.
Eye Doctor Named to Air Pollution Advisory Board Draws Pushback
–– And dangerously rolled eyes.
