Tomahawk Tuah
Week of 03/27/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
U.S. uses hundreds of Tomahawk missiles on Iran, alarming some at Pentagon
–– Just ones who can count.
Trump responds to Robert Mueller's death. 'I'm glad.'
–– To be fair, half of America wishes it was him.
Rubio Says U.S. Can Achieve Its Goals Without Ground Troops
–– If they can define them.
Murphy on ‘$1.5BILLION’ stock trade before Trump Iran announcement: ‘Mind blowing corruption’
–– This week in 'lucky guesses.'
Saudi Prince Is Said to Push Trump to Continue Iran War in Recent Calls
–– With lips?
Trump administration lifts sanctions on millions of barrels of Iranian oil
–– As one tends to do for enemy when winning war.
Trump threatens to ‘obliterate’ Iran’s power plants if Strait of Hormuz does not open
–– Still struggling with definition of word.
Iran threatens to close Strait of Hormuz and hit power plants after Trump's 48-hour ultimatum
–– Nice they same to be on same page as US.
Trump delays strikes on Iranian power plants after ‘very good’ talks on ending war
–– But definitely not because they called his bluff.
Iran Calls BS on TACO Trump’s Peace Talks Claim
–– Do Saudis call MBS?
Trump says Iran has 'one more chance at peace' as Tehran calls reports of US talks
–– Holding up ten stumpy fingers, ten swollen toes.
Kennedy on Iran: ‘The president didn’t start a war, he was trying to stop a war’
–– How about world recession? Start or stop?
Wall Street falls to its worst drop since the Iran war as the Nasdaq sinks 10% below its record
–– Since? Was there another one?
Stocks fall, oil prices rise on darkening economic outlook from Middle East war
–– Strait up dire.
Barclays says the 'Trump put' is fading, and the president can no longer prop up stocks as headline fatigue sets in
–– Shot ‘put.’
Hegseth Invokes Divine Purpose to Justify Military Might
–– If there was God he’d be permanently cashiered.
Hegseth’s Pastor Agrees With Interviewer Who Says ‘I Pray That God Kills’ Democratic Candidate
–– Holy shits.
Win the Middle East, lose the Pacific?
–– C’mon, WaPo –– Win the Middle East?!
Army Raises Enlistment Age Limit to 42 and Eases Marijuana Rules
–– And lowers IQ requirement to twice age.
Trump Insults His Former Counterterrorism Chief for Remarrying 4 Years After Military Wife Died in Suicide Bombing
–– Figures 4 days plenty of time.
ICE to Aid Airport Security Amid Partial Shutdown, Border Czar Says
–– Expect nonstops to CECOT.
Trump’s move to send ICE to airports fails to break impasse or end long lines
–– Except at Mexican restaurants in food courts.
The Pets Left Behind When Their Owners Are Deported
–– Gerbils left behinds.
Homeland Security chief Homan to Democrats wanting ICE to give up masks: ‘You know what? No, we’re not!’
–– Well, with face like that…
Ousted Homeland Security chief Noem begins new envoy role with tour
–– How many 'coalition against drug cartels' comedy clubs are there?
Noem mocked over new diminished role after ouster as DHS boss: ‘Assistant Regional Manager to the Deputy Secretary of State’
–– C’mon, she’s battling dope… when he takes her seat on luxury jet.
Trump casts Florida ballot by mail as he pushes Congress to severely limit that voting option
–– Cites adherence to Hypocritic Oath.
Super PAC spending passes $200M, with some groups hiding their cause
–– Offer voters gold star if they can guess.
Robert Mueller, former FBI director who investigated Trump, dead at 81
–– Was Special Counsel in special needs sense.
Trump said he was glad Robert Mueller died. Fox News never mentioned his comment on TV
–– We censor, you decide.
Bessent responds to Trump’s post about Mueller’s death
–– Suays it was understandable because FBI went through Melania’s closet looking for documents husband illegally took from White House.
A Radio Host Told Trump That People Are Gonna Treat His Death "Like Mardi Gras"
–– New Year's Eve, Mummer's Day Parade, First Orgasm all rolled into one.
Iran-linked hackers have breached FBI Director Kash Patel’s personal emails
–– Can’t believe number of ED ads.
Iran-linked hackers breach FBI director's personal email, publish photos and documents
–– Couldn't possibly be more embarrassing than what he freely posts himself.
Prosecutor admits government lacks evidence of misconduct by Fed chair
–– After claiming chair hadn't leg to stand on.
All the Justice and FBI employees who investigated Trump have left, deputy attorney general boasts
–– Ass-suckers only.
The job market is so bad that ‘reverse recruiters’ are charging $1,500 a month just to help people look for jobs
–– And guarantee $15-an-hour fast food positions.
Trump installs Christopher Columbus statue on White House grounds
–– Thought twice when he learned Columbus might not have brought syphilis back to Europe from indigenous population he brutalized.
Trump’s White House ballroom architect has ‘totally baffled’ colleagues by taking on the project, report says
–– Is greed really puzzle for high-end architects?
Trump Reveals His 'Pet Name' For Kimberly Guilfoyle — And It's Got People Cringing
–– Kimberlay bad enough. GILF-foil even weirder.
Dyslexics Are Too Smart for Trump
–– Not exactly ringing endorsement.
U.S. Rejects Vote to Recognize Slavery as a ‘Crime Against Humanity’
–– Catch was qualifier ‘gravest’ –– Trump sure he can top it.
How Obama’s Strategist Discouraged Biden From Running in 2016
–– We all know how dems hate to win.
Manchin urges Democrats to ‘stand up’ to Senate GOP amid push to nix filibuster
–– Way he bucked GOP when he was there?
Rahm Emanuel proposes banning all federal employees from betting on prediction markets
–– Nice, but Democrats have crystal balls.
Bags of shredded documents at NY jail after Epstein’s death, officer tells FBI
–– Preparing confetti for Trump inaugural.
Trump’s DOJ Shredded ‘Huge’ Pile of Jeffrey Epstein left behind a $630 million estate. The people running it say they haven’t been paid.
–– Awww, need kickstarter?
How Epstein Helped Solve a Billionaire’s Problems With Women
–– Got him girls?
Secret Service agent accidentally shoots self while escorting Jill Biden
–– Did say, ‘if I end up on a former first-lady detail, just shoot me.’
The NYC bombing suspects pledged allegiance to ISIS, authorities say. What does that actually mean?
–– They’re irredeemable losers?
A Choice of Deadly Drones Is Only a Few Clicks Away for Ukrainian Troops
–– Money refunded if they don’t arrive in 30 minutes.
Denmark Has Changed
–– You don’t say!
Former US Congressman faces trial over alleged illegal Venezuela lobbying
–– $20M! Maduro must’ve been high.
Meta, YouTube found negligent in landmark social media addiction lawsuit
–– When is business plan 'negligent' not 'premeditated'?
Palantir’s billionaire CEO says only two kinds of people will succeed in the AI era: trade workers — ‘or you’re neurodivergent’
–– Or some war-profiteering scumbag.
Nexstar Claims Its $6.2 Billion Deal for Tegna Has Closed Following DOJ and FCC Approvals — After Eight States, DirecTV Sued to Block It
–– Just a Tegnacality?
Why Are Theater Tickets So Much Cheaper in London Than New York?
–– New Yorkers so much greedier than Brits.
Barry Keoghan Says the Online ‘Abuse of How I Look’ Is So Bad He No Longer Wants to ‘Go Outside’: ‘It’s Becoming a Problem’
–– Someone’s gotta rake Shire.
It’s Time to End the ‘Bachelor’ Franchise
–– Is it 2003?
Maher is Kennedy Center’s Twain recipient, despite previous White House denial
–– Mark-down Twain.
Stephen Colbert to write next ‘Lord of the Rings’ movie after leaving late night
–– Eye of Sauron replaced with CBS logo.
At ‘Baywatch’ Tryouts, Hoping to Be the Next Pam Anderson or Jason Momoa
–– Based on tolerance for silicon, roids.
Rachel Zegler wants to do a gender-swapped 'Hamlet'
–– Hamnot?
Harry Potter HBO trailer is "uncanny" and " looks like a live action version of a live action movie," according to reactions: "You're a cash cow, Harry"
–– Filthius Lucre Grabum!
HBO's 'Neighbors' Nudist Danny on Feeling Betrayed by Amanda, His OnlyFans Explosion and Going Full Frontal in This Year's Most Insane TV Episode
–– He splooges on OnlyFans?
‘Marshals’ Star Mo Brings Plenty Seeks Justice for Nephew: "He Was Our Future"
–– Mo Brings Plenty Seeks Justice for Nephew is some monicker.
Bob Dylan Kicks Off 2026 Tour With Surprise Eddie Cochran Cover, New Acoustic Set
–– Don't start headline for 84-year-old with 'kicks off.'
Divisive ‘Star Trek: Starfleet Academy’ Canceled After Two Seasons
–– Cadet on arrival.
Prince Gained a 'Newfound Respect for the Music' He Contributed to Spike Lee's 'Girl 6' Soundtrack, Released 30 Years Ago
–– This week?
$23 million in Bond star fortune recovered by Italian authorities”
–– Ursula redress.
Snubbed by the Oscars’ In Memoriam, Bud Cort Deserved Better
–– Harold and maudlin.
Pageant contestant quickly recovers after her veneers fall out on stage
–– Grim and bear it.
Fergie Horrifies Royals With Claims that Late Queen Communicates Through Corgis
–– Tells her Andrew needs deworming.
Tiger Woods arrested on DUI charges after rollover crash on Jupiter Island
–– Chap shot.
‘Hamilton' Founding Father mixes up national anthem lyrics at Mets season opener
–– Immediatey offered coaching job.
International Olympic Committee bans transgender athletes from competing in women's category starting at 2028 Olympics
–– Except, surprisingly, in Quidditch.
Frequent ejaculation has unexpected side effect of body, Oxford University scientists find
–– Researchers come clean.
Move Over, Girl Dinner. Boy Kibble Has Arrived.
–– Rover, c’mon over.
What an expert on the gut microbiome eats in a day
–– We can hear it from here.
After Cosmic Crisp, Scientists Unveil an Apple for the Climate Change Era
–– Rotten Rome.
This Is The Only State Capital Without A McDonald's In The US
–– No Montpelier vermin?
I compared McDonald’s Big Arch and Big Mac burgers. The Big Arch put the chain’s signature burger to shame.
–– You do that for pay and speak of shame?
Taco Bell Is Selling $1 Mexican Pizzas—Here's When to Get One
–– Never.
The LA Steakhouse Walt Disney And Other Stars Loved To Visit
–– He'd order toro tartare.
I'm a Restaurant Critic and I'll Try Almost Anything — Except This One Kind of Meat
–– Whistle.
McCain Foods heir sues French fry maker after failing to sell her $1-billion-plus stake
–– In frozen assets.
In tense moments after deadly LaGuardia crash, controller said he ‘messed up’
–– This week in ‘understatement.’
Possible meteorite crashes into Houston area home, officials say
–– Not Astroid?
Florida Woman, 31, Accused of Peeing on and Damaging More Than $3,000 Worth of Property in Multiple Airbnbs
–– Made quite a splash.
Clavicular, viral 'looksmaxxing' influencer, arrested in Florida
–– Collaredbone.
New details of NJ teacher Ashley Fisler’s alleged sex with student revealed, as husband’s family speaks out
–– Took oral exam literally.
Man Accused of Gunning Down His Childhood Friend After Touching Wife Inappropriately
–– Someone had itchy trigger fingers.
Quadruple Amputee Charged With Murder Voluntarily Agrees to Be Extradited Back to Maryland
–– Disarmed and dangerous.
“The ejaculation helmet was born.” Researchers built a “hat of condoms” in bid to save world’s heaviest parrot
–– Strictly for dickheads.
“They bore the marks of an attack, including rib fractures, internal haemorrhages and specific teeth marks.” 5 animals that kill excessively – seemingly just for fun
–– 5. Homicidal Mangy Yak, 4. Toad Bundy, 3. Moose Shooter, 2. Josef Stallion, 1. Jackal the Ripper.
Strange organism that looks like a tongue found in English woodland. It has never been seen before in the UK
–– Lick me.
There's a tropical island in the middle of the Panama Canal that's home to a bright pink animal with an astonishing trick
–– Answers to ‘Peaches’, charges only 5 bucks.
Think like a mosquito
–– Or US Secretary of War.
Scientists Identify the World's First Known Dog, Which Pushes Back the Animals' Genetic Record by About 5,000 Years
–– She was said to have 'nice personality.'
Newly discovered primate species could redraw the ape family tree
–– If you gave one Sharpie.
Here’s how we know what dinosaurs really looked like, according to an evolutionary biologist
–– How do we know what really really means?
Trump administration will pay a French company $1 billion in taxpayer funds to not build wind farms
–– Blow to industry?
This Texas city has just a few months’ worth of water left — and insatiable industry demand
–– Corpus Chrispi.
OnlyFans Owner Leonid Radvinsky Dies at 43
–– Porn out.
Was OnlyFans Mogul Leo Radvinsky the Mark Zuckerberg of the Online Porn Industry?
–– Just less creepy?
Jeff Webb, Who Built a Competitive Cheerleading Empire, Dies at 76
–– Gimme an R! Gimme an I! Gimme a P!
Key Charlie Kirk mentor Jeff Webb dies in freak pickleball accident: ‘A dear friend to Charlie’
–– Gimme an M! Gimme an A! Gimme a G! Gimme an A!
–– Tolkan resistance.
Valerie Perrine, ‘Superman’ Actress and ‘Lenny’ Oscar Nominee, Dies at 82
–– Val-de-mourn.
