Mutt and Jeff
Week of 02/27/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Hillary Clinton calls for Trump to testify at US House Epstein hearing
–– After Melania, we hope.
Polls show increasing concerns about Trump’s mental acuity
–– Mental vacuity off charts.
Bill Clinton Tells House Panel He Wasn’t Aware of Epstein Crimes
–– Didn’t inhale facts?
Trump Reportedly Mulling Plan to Declare ‘National Emergency’ Paving Way for Major Power Grab
–– After first creating one?
Trump administration news: President ups new global tariffs to 15% as legal battles over refunds loom
–– Even for Land of Make Believe?
Trump’s sudden decision to hike his new tariff rate to 15% is ‘something of an eff you’ to the U.K., which thought it had a better deal for 10%
–– Across board Federal trade policy is ‘Eff thee, see!’
With his tariff plan in tatters, Trump vows ‘to do absolutely terrible things to foreign countries… in a much more powerful and obnoxious way’
–– Of 'obnoxious' part we have no doubt.
Scott Bessent has ’got a feeling’ that $175 billion raised under the IEEPA is lost to the American people for good
–– Or is it just muscle soreness from rolling US consumers?
In less than a year, Trump erased 12 years of solvency for the trust fund that pays for Medicare Part A
–– Debt on arrival.
Law enforcement shoots and kills man at Mar-a-Lago, Secret Service says
–– Considering instructing local immigrants to trespass and 'test' security.
FEMA national security functions ‘significantly constrained’ during shutdown, email warns
–– Putting dingbat Kristi Noem in charge did that.
ICE officer training is ‘deficient’ and ‘broken,’ former agency lawyer tells congressional forum
–– Ironically, code names for Noem, Homan.
FBI response to Brown mass shooting was delayed because Kash Patel was in Florida with one of the agency’s jets: report
–– Agents Browned off?
Outrage as far-right agitator in brownface allowed to testify before lawmakers on immigration
–– That he got through stunt without ICE arrest real surprise.
Inside RFK Jr.’s push against the flu vaccine that he links to his voice condition
–– And pesticide that might’ve killed beloved brain worm.
‘Disgusting and Inexcusable’: Nancy Mace Calls For Fellow House Republican to Resign Amid Affair Scandal
–– She would know.
Mexico’s most powerful cartel leader is killed by security forces
–– Sinner lower cartel.
Cop Turned Crime Boss, Nemesio 'El Mencho' Oseguera Leaves Bloody Legacy
–– Now that you Mencho it…
US tourists stranded after Mexico drug lord’s killing sparks wave of violence
–– Coke's response from them.
25 Mexican National Guard troops left dead during an operation that killed cartel leader ‘El Mencho’
–– Drug down to hell.
’60 Minutes’ Anderson Cooper Debunks Trump’s Claim of ‘Genocide’ of White Farmers in South Africa
–– Boer up under scrutiny.
France moves to bar US Ambassador Charles Kushner from direct government access
–– Kushner moves to blackmail French diplomats.
Trump’s Board of Peace painted a rosy picture of Gaza’s future. On the ground, there is only despair
–– So we Gaza.
Outcry after Ambassador Mike Huckabee suggests Israel has God-given right to Middle East land
–– Like God's even returning this idiot's calls.
Ukraine peace talks have been little more than a mafia-style shakedown by the US and Russia
–– What you get with mob rule.
With sniper rifle photos, Kim Jong Un intensifies spotlight on his daughter, a potential successor
–– Gift he got her for 23rd birthday.
Erasing the Verdict: The Ongoing Shock of Trump’s Cocaine Kingpin Pardon
–– Biggest snow job in DOJ history.
Queen Rania of Jordan Is So Sophisticated in This Layered Cape Coat
–– Total peasant without.
BAFTAs Host Alan Cumming Asks for ‘Understanding’ as Tourette Syndrome Campaigner John Davidson Shouts ‘Strong Language’ and Slurs at Winners and Presenters
–– Is that Tourette or promise?
‘I Swear’ Star Robert Aramayo in Shock After Being Named BAFTA Best Actor Over Leonardo DiCaprio and Timothée Chalamet: ‘I Honestly Can’t Believe I Won’
–– Neither the butt-f**kin,’ a**-suckin’, d**k-lickin’ heck can we!
BBC Will Remove N-Word Outburst From BAFTA Film Awards on iPlayer, Apologizes ‘That This Was Not Edited Out Prior to Broadcast’
–– Waited until BAFTAwards.
‘I Swear’ Subject John Davidson Says Tourette’s Tics Are ‘Involuntary’ After Shouting N-Word at BAFTAs: ‘Deeply Mortified if Anyone’ Thinks It Was ‘Intentional’
–– Giving Trump Administration new excuse.
‘Marty Supreme’ Ties BAFTA Record for Most Losses in History
–– Supremely satisfying.
With Trump’s apparent blessing, the Ellisons are amassing a media empire
–– Didn't need Oracle to predict that.
Here’s exactly what Susan Rice said before Trump called on Netflix to fire her from its board
–– Because it reads suspiciously like truth.
Isaac Hayes’ Estate Reaches Settlement With Trump for Unauthorized Use of “Hold on, I’m Coming”
–– And countless porn videos.
Dennis Quaid Thinks Hollywood Has Gone Far Left, Calls Trump 'Really Genuine' With 'A Lot of Energy’
–– Might actually be goofy as brother Randy.
Bill Maher Claps Back at Trump’s ‘Nervous’ Dinner Rant, Vows to Prove He Doesn’t Have ‘Derangement Syndrome’
–– He seems home, home on derange.
Kid Rock Predicts God Will 'Cut Down' Journalists for Reporting (Accurately) That He's Charging Up to $5,000 for Tour Tickets
–– To his size?
‘Free Palestine. Boycott Scream 7.’
–– Quote from Ghostbrain?
Sad Reason Alexandra Daddario Filed For Divorce From Her Husband After A 'Consistent Loss Of Love'
–– ‘Like an inflatable sex doll with a slow leak.’
Anna Sawai on Playing Yoko Ono in 'The Beatles' Movies: 'There's a Version of Her I Feel People Still Don't Understand'
–– ‘The one that’s pretty like me.’
Simu Liu Clarifies How to Correctly Pronounce His Name for Those Who 'Want to Make an Effort and Get It Right'
–– In Liu of what?
‘He loved showing his bum. Loved it’: the subversive genius of Kenneth Williams
–– Like Trump presenting Hegseth to cameras.
‘Back to the Future' Star Crispin Glover Accused of Holding Former Model 'Captive' as 'Sex Slave' in New Lawsuit
–– Nobody said, ‘he seemed like such a normal guy.’
What Will ‘Today’ Do if Savannah Guthrie Doesn’t Return?
–– Pretend it misses her?
Chopra had close relationship with Epstein, told him to bring ‘your girls’ on trips, messages show
–– Not in his Book of Secrets?
Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's ex-wife 'Fergie' also undone by Epstein ties
–– What was her mount battin' average?
Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie Are “Heartbroken” But Have a Clear Focus After Ex-Prince Andrew’s Arrest
–– Money!
Police in Britain arrest former ambassador Mandelson in probe into Epstein ties
–– On young girls' wrists.
Queen Elizabeth's In-Flight Demands Make First Class Look Bleak
–– Include rack for insubordinate stewardesses.
Trump Posts Unhinged Video Of Himself As U.S. Olympic Hockey Hero
–– High-shticking.
Kash Patel chugs beer with Team USA after denying Italy trip was for holiday
–– Was personally protecting from Candians!
Trump, Men's Hockey Team Joke About Having To Bring USA's Women's Team To White House
–– Makes you like them less…
Winter Olympics 2026: Team USA women's hockey declines President Donald Trump's invite to State of the Union
–– …and these more.
Olympic men’s hockey hero defends team’s visit to White House, State of the Union
–– Checked goals.
Best quotes after Team USA's gold medal win, from Mike Sullivan's 'whiskey drinkers' to 'f—ing proud' Vincent Trocheck
–– Yes, they really are dumb, entitled bros.
Lindsey Vonn almost had to have her leg amputated. Here’s why.
–– Anything for headline.
‘I have a chip on my shoulder.’ Phoebe Gates wants her $185 million AI startup Phia to succeed with ‘no ties to my privilege or my last name’
–– Intel chip?
A Woman Found a Folder in a Drawer. When She Opened It, She Discovered 35 Forgotten Rembrandt Etchings
–– Just etching to get out.
The U.S. spent $30 billion to ditch textbooks for laptops and tablets: The result is the first generation less cognitively capable than their parents
–– Even AI would write plain 'dumber.'
The Most Stolen Item In Hotel Rooms Isn't What You Think
–– Shocker is towels or just what you’d think.
Citing racist past, this top California eatery added 20% surcharge. Then the backlash began
–– Tipped off.
'I Swear The Food Tasted Better' — Why McDonald's Fans Miss The Old-School Foam Containers
–– We swear container tasted better than food in it.
Does Hershey Still Use Real Chocolate in Its Products? Look for This Phrase on the Front of the Package
–– ‘Brown stuff.’
Papa Johns is closing hundreds of locations
–– In act of mercy.
After 144 years, world’s tallest church finally finishes exterior
–– Now aliens have place to land.
The Supreme Court will decide if marijuana users may be barred from owning guns
–– Throw in all drunks, too.
A Teen Was Slammed to the Ground at In-N-Out After Accidentally Splashing Woman with Water. Now His Attacker Has Been Sentenced
–– Avoids In-N-Out bugger.
Man, 23, Told Family He Was Going to Be ‘on the News.' He Then Slammed His Car Full of Explosives into a Power Substation
–– Remembered as 'real dynamo.'
Watch hilarious BBC footage of what happens when Dad Wolf disapproves of his daughter's choice but she only has eyes for the ‘bad boy’...
–– This week in ‘Anthropomorphize much?’
Do tigers get a taste for human flesh after a first bite?
–– Or do they still ask for ketchup?
Blue-faced, puffy-lipped monkey scores a rare conservation win
–– It can stop pouting already.
This animal’s sex session lasts longer than a working day
–– Of average Gen Zer, so not so impressive.
Scientists Say Most Snake Species Are Cannibals, Breaking a Basic Law of Nature
–– And decorum!
Wild Chimpanzees Love to Eat Boozy Fruit. Scientists Say the Proof Is in Their Pee
–– What kind of boozy fruit are scientists into?
61 Black Mambas Captured on African City. Here’s What Experts Found in Their Scales – and Why It Matters
–– Mice they weighed before eating!
Caribou Are the Only Deer Species in Which Females Grow Antlers. Scientists Just Figured Out Why
––They were racking brains.
Scientists Put a Camera on a Whale. They Never Expected to See This.
–– Whale sperm!
180 years after disappearing, a tortoise returns to its Galápagos home
–– In greatest reptilian trick ever.
”Eating it leads to liver failure, kidney failure, and death." 9 deadliest fungi on the planet – mushrooms you don't want to mess with
–– 9) Powder Shroom, 8) Fungi Jumper, 7) Morel Less, 6) Cap-in-Yo-Ass, 5) Criminy!, 4) In Deep Shiitake, 3) Eeknoki, 2) Oyster Barf, and 1) Panic Button.
A pilot dropped the atomic bomb, then journaled: ‘My God what have we done’
–– He wrote she mo'?
We just learned a lot more about Neanderthal-human mating
–– Search homo af erectus on pornhub.
Scientists discover the world’s oldest fossilized vomit with remains still intact
–– Next to world's oldest taco bar.
Woman finds 'smiling' rock on UK island -- and it is pure nightmare fuel
–– Hasn't a sweet tooth?
Saint Francis of Assisi’s skeleton goes on public display for first time
–– Expect vultures to flock to it.
Gigantic iceberg breaks free in Antarctica, revealing ghostly mega-nest beneath
–– Filled with some very chilly megas.
John Wheeler, Actor, Singer Known for 'Star Trek' and an Iconic McDonald's Commercial, Dies at 95
–– Wheeler misfortune.
Robert Carradine, actor in ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ and ‘Lizzie McGuire,’ dies at 71
–– Nerds out.
Willie Colón, Trailblazing Salsa Musician, Dies at 75
–– Blocked Colón.
