U.N. What Army?
Week of 09/25/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
At the U.N., Trump Lays Out a Winner-Takes-All Vision of U.S. Power
–– From Loser-Takes-Cake.
It’s cute. It’s cuddly. And it wants all your data.
–– We are not aMused.
–– Which left him healthy, but a tad shy.
Trump warns U.N. he might ‘annihilate’ Iran as war overshadows diplomacy
–– One imagines shared thought ballon over entire assemblage: ‘Bullshit’ in multiple translations.
Trump’s ambassador to U.N. says there’s no timeline on Iran war’s end
–– Because there's no brainwave in WH.
Israel's Netanyahu tells U.N. "we will continue to defend our state" as many leaders walk out
–– And the best defense is a cruel offense.
Macron tells ABC News' David Muir: 'Hormuz Strait was probably underestimated'
–– This week in ‘Évidemment.’
In defiant speech, Pezeshkian calls out Trump and says Iran will fight 'until our last breath’
–– May it be both their last breaths.
Yemen tells UN that Houthi rebels' moves on key strait threaten global economy
–– Houthi hell?
8 Navy members attempted suicide on the USS Lincoln during extended deployment, military official says
–– How many times could anyone bear watching this?
U.S. searching for F-35 fighter jet parts mistakenly diverted to Hong Kong
–– Hegseth on horn with UPS driver.
’Crisis even bigger than Covid’: American business owners are barely getting by
–– Trump’s cronyvirus.
Mortgage Rates Hit 7% as Iran War Fallout Crushes a Weak Housing Market
–– More effectively than hostile regime.
Trump and sons invest heavily in AI economy as he resists calls for slowdown
–– Artificial intelligibility.
AI leaders warn UN of security risks as systems grow more powerful
–– And prepare to take over organization, rename Ultron Nations.
Meta's Muse says it can manage your money. Should you let it?
–– Only if total portfolio is $100 in checking.
Billionaire investor Bill Ackman says the AI race may have broken the Fed’s inflation playbook
–– Do share how Trump punk wants to rape American land, minds and bank accounts for another few billion.
Trump plans pomp and pageantry for Xi amid China tensions
–– When all he can imagine is cheese and schmaltz.
Iran Has a Secret Weapon in Its War With America: Help From China
–– That Trump's too scared to acknowledge.
Trump told Xi that China helping Iran is unacceptable, US ambassador
–– Of course, they immediately stopped. Right?
What’s on the menu for Trump's state dinner with China's Xi? One American staple is notably missing
–– Even though goose already cooked.
First ladies Melania Trump and Peng Liyuan dress for different roles at state dinner
–– Peng not tricking for Santa?
McConnell leads 4 GOP senators in calling for Trump to release Taiwan arms funding
–– Yeah, that gentle nodding was Mitch in lead.
ICE agent shoots and wounds man in Austin, Texas, officials say
–– Bullet location SxSW.
Trump officials cut 760,000 enrollees from ACA, claiming fraud
–– That fraud being Vance.
Trump says proposed triumphal arch will double as military complex with snipers and drones
–– Triumph of the swill.
Supreme Court rejects Republicans’ Missouri redistricting push for third time
–– Great that SCOTUS agrees to spend time hearing specious claims over and over agian.
White House Has Spent More Than $440,000 on Pro-Trump TV Ads Paid for by U.S. Government; Administration Defends 'Unapologetically American' Spots and Denies They're Campaign Ads
–– Budget's all one, happy slush fund.
GOP Senator Ahead of Midterms: Furry Airline Pilots Are ‘Terrifying’
–– We've seen scarier.
Florida governor candidate Byron Donalds removes Trump mentions from campaign website
–– Worried about getting too many votes, presumably.
Ken Paxton’s estranged wife tells GOP women: Vote Republican ‘even if we’re mad’
–– You’re insane.
Nazi jokes and ‘cum trophies’: meet the Texas gunfluencer who could soon represent Uvalde
–– Giving it his worst shot.
Kamala Harris returns to campaign trail to boost Abdul El-Sayed in critical Michigan Senate race
–– State’s Muslim pop. is 2.3%, Black 13.5% –– Dems really broadening tent.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on 2028: ‘Life Doesn’t Wait for You to Be Ready’
–– How about Reality? Electorate?
Eyeing a 2028 Bid, He Used a Weight-Loss Drug to Drop 80 Pounds
–– We really need another fat-headed lightweight.
Michigan GOP Senate candidate who praised the Iran war now campaigns against the pain it caused
–– What you want in Senator: consistent, principled leadership.
Ex-boyfriend of former Sen. Kyrsten Sinema allegedly threw 22 of her paintings in a pool
–– Figured they were water colors.
Trump, Greenland, Denmark sign deal in bid to end Arctic standoff
–– And placate Eric's Dad the Red.
No More ‘Trump Avenue’: Canada’s Capital Moves to Rename Street Amid Tense Trade War
–– As 'Rocky Road?'
Chancellor Merz calls Germany state elections results a ‘disaster,’ as far-right surge again
–– Goose-steps up.
Ruling pro-Putin party set to win Russia’s tightly controlled wartime parliamentary election
–– This week in ‘D’uh!’
Russia's Krasnodar region declares state of emergency as drone attacks slow grain exports
–– Hit ‘em in the vodka.
Ukraine sent two captured North Korean soldiers to South Korea, Zelenskiy says
–– To share some BBQ, presumably.
CNN, MS NOW and Politico Sue White House for Revoking Press Credentials: “Patently Unconstitutional”
–– Trump snaps back that he owns that patent.
Justice Department says president can shut out reporters from the White House at his will, for national security
–– Citing Chapter 10, Paragraph 4 of The Art of the Deal.
Judge orders Trump administration to immediately reinstate White House access to CNN, MS NOW and Politico
–– Rescinds WH 'Pass Press.'
White House blocks CNN from trip on Air Force One
–– Out of their deep respect for Constitutional law.
Trump berates CNN’s Kaitlan Collins after ban: ‘You shouldn’t be covering me’
–– Unless with shroud.
Sylvester Stallone Says He Turned Down Trump’s ‘Special Ambassador’ to Hollywood Role Because It Was ‘Impossible’: ‘I Said Thank You and Ciao’
–– Prompting Trump to chow down on Big Mac.
Sylvester Stallone Learned About Trump Hollywood Ambassadorship While Watching TV: “It Won’t Work”
–– ‘Special’ Ambassador would have to ride in short limo.
That’s All? Team Paramount Nabs Warner Bros. With Only Minor Concessions to States
–– Made 'em an offer they could easily refuse.
Paramount to Raise $7.5 Billion More in Debt to Fund Warner Bros. Deal
–– Saudis, Qatar, UAE to own $38.5% of combined company. How can product not improve?
Jeremy Strong Treated His ‘Social Reckoning’ Co-Stars “the Way He Imagines” Mark Zuckerberg Treats People, Aaron Sorkin Says
–– So long as he treated Sorkin with same contempt.
Melissa McCarthy on Getting Serious for ‘JonBenét Ramsey,’ the Psychiatrist on Set and Hollywood’s ‘Bulls—’ Excuse for Why Comedies Don’t Work Anymore
–– Studio boss: 'Your husband directed you in them.'
Alan Ritchson Reveals Which ‘Reacher’ Season Got Canceled After “Someone Got Re-Elected”
–– Only president with dumber plotlines than his.
Streaming Ratings: ‘Reacher’ Tops 1 Billion Viewing Minutes for Fifth Straight Week
–– Meathead of the class.
Matthew McConaughey Exposed Himself to Jimmy Kimmel in the Emmys Bathroom and Woody Harrelson Saw the Whole Thing
–– Rubbed him the right way?
Martin Scorsese and Susan Sarandon Squash Their Children’s Internet Beef in New Jack Henry Robbins Sketch
–– Wait, but how do Zionists figure into this?
Kit Harington Credits Harry Potter With Helping Him Through Sobriety Struggle
–– With Detox Vino Veritas spell.
‘People Are Still Terrified of Me’: Sharon Stone on Thriving for 46 Years in Hollywood and Why ‘My Lane Was Never Going to Be Sex Psychos’
–– ‘More that lane’s soft shoulder.’
Lena Dunham ‘Can’t Quite Believe’ She’s a Mom After the Birth of First child
–– Imagine how baby feels.
Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher Step Out With Their Lookalike Daughter Wyatt, 11
–– Look alike who?
Brandi Glanville Reveals Painful “Special Forces” Dive Dislodged Her Breast Implant
–– This week in ‘totally relatable.’
Ke Huy Quan Says His $100,000 ‘Indiana Jones’ Residual Check Was ‘Life-Changing’ As a Child Actor: It ‘Didn’t Make Any Sense’
–– Still doesn’t.
Sean Gunn Says He’s ‘Too Old’ and ‘Retired’ From Playing Rocket Raccoon in ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’: It ‘Hurts After a While’
–– And all that dumpster diving for dinner.
Taylor and Tay Lautner welcome their new baby girl named ... Come on, take a guess
–– Desperate?
’Backrooms’ Surpasses $400 Million at Global Box Office
–– That's lots of of bubble wrap for storage closet.
Hannah Einbinder Speaks Out After Being Arrested at Netanyahu Protest: ‘Let Us Not Mistake the Spectacle for the Story’
–– Talk about your political hacks.
Tom Petty's original Heartbreaker band look younger than ever as they reunite after more than 20 years
–– How far back were you sitting?
Meet Iggy Pop's former flight attendant 3rd wife of 18 years
–– Was he The Passenger?
MTV VMAs Producer Van Toffler Promises a “Kick-A**, Fast-Paced Show,” Says Madonna’s Performance “Will Make Your Head Spin”
–– 180º to avoid looking.
Buffalo Bills’ Long-Suffering Fans to Be Focus of Documentary ‘Just One Before I Die’
–– Didn’t realize Silence of the Lambs killer that popular.
Ed Sheeran Gillette Stadium concerts canceled due to nor'easter
–– Not jew’hater?
Ticket prices drop as Trump plans to attend Tennessee vs Texas football game
–– Good snooze for fans.
Fender CEO says he has heard complaints about quality control – and is taking steps to address it
–– Brand deFender?
I’m 70 And I've Lived Alone My Entire Adult Life. Here's What Everyone Gets Wrong About Single People.
–– There is absolutely no reason to approach them.
AT 63, Liz Earle has a biological age of 39 – here are 5 everyday health habits she never skips
–– And emotional age of 13.
We Asked 7 Therapists About Unique Symptoms of Depression in Men, They All Had the Same Answer.
–– ‘You’re such a drag.’
Diagnostic dilemma: Weird spikes poking through a teen's eyelid turned out to be a wayward tooth
–– Explains his hungry gaze.
What Happens to Your Body When You Pee in the Shower? Here’s What Experts Want You to Know
–– Will we be relieved to know?
This scientist wants you to stop flushing your toilet. Here's why
–– He’s kind of a freak.
The In-N-Out Burger Ordering Request Some Employees Secretly Can't Stand
–– Thrusting index finger through ring made by thumb, index finger of opposite hand.
Bono’s Favorite Sandwich Is Just 2 Ingredients––and We Can’t Believe We’ve Never Tried This Combo Before
–– With him, one's gotta be ham. No, thick-cut steak fries between two slices of buttered white bread?
Eat the ‘dodgy sandwich,’ says chef David Chang
–– After you.
Another airline cancels almost all US flights due to low demand
–– Vikings not into Trump's America?
Philadelphia teacher admits to lying about being Palestinian and Black: ‘I hid the truth’
–– "That I also wanted to claim I was gay with a disability."
More than 100 riders now allege brain injuries from Six Flags roller coaster following CNN investigation
–– Likely pre-existing if they got on in first place.
Two people arrested in New York City for allegedly climbing out of manhole
–– Without pizza in mouths.
Elizabeth Holmes to Be Moved From Prison to Halfway House in 2027
–– And then to other Quarters.
Elizabeth Holmes Documentary Gets R-Rating for “Graphic Nudity”
–– Her naked peepers are obscene.
Harvey Weinstein sentenced to 15 years after sexual assault conviction
–– Ingenues should feel safe from 74-year-old even postmortem.
Maine lobsterman catches ultra-rare cotton candy lobster with crazy odds: 'It just glowed’
–– Sure he hadn't just spun tale?
“They burrow their way into open wounds and bodily openings, such as the ears, laying hundreds of eggs.” Human flesh-eating parasite returns to the USA
–– By popular demand!
Britain may have a new venomous snake. A zoologist explains
–– If it asks nicely.
A teacher spotted two unusually large footprints. They turned out to be a first for science
–– 2nd grader over 200 lbs.!
She Lived With 20 Wild Bears for 28 Years. Then They found Her Clean-Picked Bones. What Killed Her Is a Mystery.
–– We’re gonna hazard a guess here…
Did Thomas Jefferson Father Sally Hemings’ Children? After More Than a Decade of Research, the answer Is Finally Firmly in Hand
–– After much Hemming and hawing.
Archaeologists Just Found the Place Where the World’s Greatest Conquerer Studied Under Aristotle
–– And we do mean ‘under’ him.
Two Thousand Years Ago, Julius Caesar Conquered the Settlement That Eventually Became Paris. Archaeologists May Have Just Found It
–– Paris?!!
Shale Tycoon Claims Exxon CEO ‘Betrayed’ Him in $60 Billion Deal
–– We shale not give damn.
Utah races to save Great Salt Lake before 2034 Winter Olympics
–– Salt Lake shitty?
Anjanette Comer, Actress in ‘The Loved One’ and ‘The Appaloosa,’ Dies at 86
–– Miss Thanatogenous laid to rest at Whispering Glades.
Peter Byrne, Naked Eyes singer, dies at 74
–– No way something there to remind me.
