Pout With the Old
Week of 01/02/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump says he takes more aspirin than recommended but his ‘health is perfect’
–– Happy New Year!
The state of the year? Here is the first winner.
–– Shock.
Trump Denies Falling Asleep During White House Meetings: ‘They’ll Take a Picture of Me Blinking’
–– “And let me tell you, my blinks are the longest in the world. People are telling me they’ve never seen a blink last that long. And we’re gonna do even longer, more beautiful blinks in the new year!’
Awkward Barron Trump, 19, Spends New Year’s Eve With Parents After Links to Twisted Woman-Haters Are Revealed
–– He talked to his father, Stephen Miller?
Andy Cohen tears into ex-NYC Mayor Eric Adams in wild rant after Times Square ball drop: ‘Go off in the sunset!’
–– Ball drop kick.
Eric Adams Exited Gracie Mansion in the Most Eric Adams Way Possible
–– They’re still counting missing silverware.
Stephen Miller and Kristi Noem shredded after dancing to ‘Ice Ice Baby’ at Trump’s New Year’s Eve Party
–– Would love to see both on ice.
Trump auctions off Jesus painting for $2.75M in front of Netanyahu and MAGA loyalists at Mar-a-Lago NYE bash
–– Like Satan selling indulgences.
Nostradamus’ predictions for 2026 include rivers of blood, plague of bees and death by lightning
–– And that's just one month in Florida.
Trump says he's dropping push for National Guard in Chicago, LA and Portland, Oregon, for now
–– Sad when there were still so many skulls to crack.
‘Rot In Hell’: Trump Blasts Governor For Not Honoring His Pretend Pardon
–– Will Trump prepare place for him at Mar-a-Lago-de-Fuego?
Trump vetoes bipartisan bill to provide clean water to rural Southeastern Colorado
–– In defense of this felon.
Trump was ‘most culpable’ for Jan 6 riot and would have been convicted in court, Jack Smith told Congress in newly released testimony
–– Like in fairy tale liberals tell kiddies at bedtime.
Jack Smith told House committee he had ‘proof beyond reasonable doubt’ in cases against Trump
–– House, 'But how about beyond unreasonable cult?'
‘I Was Just So Naïve’: Inside Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Break With Trump
–– In latest slang for ‘monstrously stupid.’
Trump Yelled 'My Friends Will Get Hurt' at Marjorie Taylor Greene for Threatening to Name Epstein Abusers, She Claims
–– What he calls his testicles.
Mar-a-Lago Spa Would Send Teen Workers on House Calls to Jeffrey Epstein's Mansion: Report
–– Unhappy unending.
Marla Maples warned Trump something was ‘off’ with Epstein, new report reveals, before he was kicked out of Mar-a-Lago
–– He was totally rotten.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: Maga women’s puffed up lips and breasts make me uncomfortable
–– Shrunken hearts, brains, disturb us.
Lapsed Epstein deadline underscores challenge of reviewing troves of files in 30 days
–– Aww, can we donate eye drops, aspirin?
Philosopher Who Influenced JD Vance Calls the Trump Administration a ‘Tragedy’ That Has ‘Already Lost’
–– ‘Philosopher’ at end of bar agrees.
Countries make call to cancel all visas for Americans
–– From shitwhole country.
‘Nonsense’: The Wall Street Journal Debunks ‘Stolen’ Election Story in Takedown of Trump’s ‘Delusion’
–– It's as real as
ICE plans $100 million ‘wartime recruitment’ push targeting gun shows, military fans for hires
–– Save money, post flyers in asylums for criminally insane.
Norman Rockwell’s Granddaughter Slams ICE Barbie’s MAGA Makeover of His Art
–– They should use doodles of George Lincoln Rockwell.
Potential New Year's Eve terror attack thwarted in North Carolina, authorities say
–– Found cache of knives, hammers under bed of criminal mastermind.
Drugmakers raise US prices on 350 medicines despite pressure from Trump
–– Handling dope their business.
‘I Hope You Like Measles’: U.S. Measles Cases Hit Three-Decade High a Year After Jake Tapper’s Prediction About RFK Jr. Leading HHS
–– Spot on.
Trump says construction of triumphal arch to begin within two months
–– Is that when he's quitting to justify?
Trump shops for marble for new White House ballroom
–– aka Mausoleum for Democracy.
Nick Shirley Explains Why Critics Won’t Be Able to Take Him Down: ‘I’m a Virgin, I Don’t Have Sex’
–– Shirley you jest.
NASA’s Largest Library Is Closing Amid Staff and Lab Cuts
–– Plenty of space on shelves.
In 1952, DC’s skies were littered with US fighter jets chasing UFOs. More than 70 years later, the mystery persists
–– How gullible are humans?
Fox News Mocked for Ripping Into Joe Biden’s Holiday Vacation: ‘They Call That Retirement’
–– Retiree's just Biden his time.
Conservatives Hit the Roof Over Mamdani’s Inauguration Day Vow to Bring ‘The Warmth of Collectivism’ to NYC
–– They'll keep warm by pissing selves in fear.
Senator Tuberville Says ‘The Enemy Is Inside the Gates’ After Mamdani Opts To Be Sworn in Using the Quran
–– Of Tennessee's junkyard?
Trump and Zelensky Meet to Iron Out Peace Plan, but Deal Remains Elusive
–– Wrinklier than Trump's waddle.
‘A Complete Embarrassment’: Critics Skewer Trump For Declaring ‘Russia Wants To See Ukraine Succeed’
–– Offers to pay for grad school.
Tensions flare between Russia and Ukraine after Trump’s peace talks
–– Hot air fans flames.
Former Russian banking billionaire says an Instagram post cost him $9 billion: His company was sold for 3% of its value in ‘hostage’ situation
–– No Putin up capital?
In Russia, plans to cut mobile internet on New Year’s Eve draw fury
–– How will they be able to stream bare-chested videos of leader?
Trump Drops All-Time Whopper About Israeli Hostages: ‘None Were Released in the Biden Administration’
–– Has directed Lesley Halligan to rewrite American history since January 6, 2021.
Hot mic catches Trump moaning to Netanyahu about not getting credit for ending wars or the Nobel Peace Prize
–– His winning would've ended peace prize.
Iran protests sparked by failing economy turn deadly
–– Tehran at social fiber.
Trump Calls Petro a ‘Drug Leader.’ What’s the Colombian Leader’s Record?
–– On Petro chemicals?
This election is a charade — and America should say so
–– Discrediting elections only thing Administration’s good for.
The world’s richest added a record $2.2 trillion in wealth this year—but they’ve increasingly lost faith in the American Dream
–– And will relo to moon to not pay taxes.
Jeff Bezos Moved To Florida And That Impacted Washington State Budget, Says Ron DeSantis: 'States With No Income Tax Have A Major Advantage...'
–– And climate like Amazon.
Bari Weiss Invites George Clooney to Visit Broadcast Center After He Tells Variety She Is ‘Dismantling’ CBS News
–– Asks if he'd like chunk of Murrow's desk as souvenit.
Smells Like Mean Spirit: Fox News Veterans Duke It Out Amidst MAGA Meltdown
–– We're just enjoying headline.
Kennedy Center Honors ratings tank after Trump takeover
–– Like Oswald after Ruby.
Stephen Schwartz Pulls Out of Kennedy Center's 2026 Lineup: 'There's No Way I Would Set Foot in It Now'
–– Wicked burn.
Washington Monument to be illuminated on New Year’s Eve to mark country’s 250th
–– How will they fit Trump’s fat face on skinny obelisk?
Andy Cohen says he has to take control of New Year's Eve show when Anderson Cooper gets too drunk: 'I hear the slur'
–– And not just about gay thing.
Stephen Colbert Says 'Don't Trust Billionaires' When Asked About 'Major Lesson' of 2025: 'They Don't Get Rich by Finding That Money on the Side of the Road'
–– Where they leave you.
Kate Winslet Says Her ‘First Intimate Experiences’ as a Teen Were With Women: ‘I’d Kissed a Few Girls, and I’d Kissed a Few Boys’
–– Can only help career in gender confused 2020s.
Hugh Jackman had sleepover at Neil Diamond's house after singer called him crying about “Song Sung Blue”
–– So-so good?
Kate Hudson and Hugh Jackman Called 'Monsters' by Real-Life Son of “Song Sung Blue” Musician, Accuses Film of 'Lies'
–– Someone had their widdle part cut.
George Clooney Says the 'Old' but 'Smart' “Ocean's Eleven” Gang Will 'Work Around Their Limitations' in Upcoming Sequel
–– Will knock over retirement village bingo hall.
Will Smith Sued by Tour Violinist for Sexual Harassment and Wrongful Termination
–– Bow jest?
Curvy news anchor trolls haters by reading viewer comments live while also shining light on a bigger issue
–– Her ass?
Jack Black Revealed The Pixar Movie He Regrets Turning Down, And I Could Have Totally Seen Him Killing That Role
–– And film.
Disney World Worker Bowled Over By 400-Pound Runaway ‘Raiders Of The Lost Ark’ Prop Boulder
–– If only he had been wearing mitt.
'Stranger Things' Fans 'Spiral' After Vecna Is Scene Lurking in Several Early Scenes
–– Seen or scene?
Frank Sinatra Once Saved Johnny Carson's Life From NY Mafia Hit: 'Carson's a Dead Man'
–– Was going to have Joan Embery sic mamba on him.
Chevy Chase Had ‘Meltdown’ on ‘Community’ Set After N-Word Incident Went Public and Said ‘My Career Is Ruined,’ Claims Director; Crew Chanted ‘F— You, Chevy!’ at Wrap Party
–– Wild goosed Chase.
Chevy Chase Says Steve Martin and Martin Short's “Only Murders in the Building ”Is 'Lacking Me'
–– Would be Only Muggers in the Building.
Maya Rudolph laments not sleeping with anyone at 'SNL': 'Why didn't I flirt with people?'
–– Cast members, 'Thank you.'
Jack White condemns Republican congressman for sharing A.I. video with 'grade school bullying': 'Embarrassing'
–– Ribbing Birdshit?
‘Little House on the Prairie’ stars recall bizarre moment the show ‘jumped the shark’
–– Land shark that is.
‘Zootopia 2’ Becomes Disney’s Highest-Grossing Animated Film Ever With $1.46 Billion, Beating ‘Frozen 2’
–– Tell us again why Hollywood makes insipid sequels.
Meet the Man Who Thinks Dogs Should Be Directors
–– Feel free to laugh in face.
Patrick Schwarzenegger Thought ‘The White Lotus’ Would ‘Open’ Doors, But He’s Not Scoring Any Roles
–– Mostly getting offered ‘jerking-off-your-brother’ parts.
MTV Music Channels Sign Off Forever With the One That Started It All: ‘Video Killed the Radio Star’
–– Streaming drove stake through undead heart.
MTV Didn’t Shut Down on New Year’s Eve, Despite Social Media Posts — but the Music Left a Long Time Ago
–– Lone viewer on January 2nd accidentally tuned in.
Fox News’ Leslie Marshall Comforted by Colleagues After She Reveals She’s Had 11 Miscarriages On-Air
–– Really should've gone to hospital.
Aaron Glenn lists ‘positives’ for the Jets from the 2025 season
–– On head of pin.
Ex-NBA Star Dwight Howard Calls on Trump to Impose Mandatory Military Service for US Citizens: ‘Would Help With Discipline’
–– Conscription for disaster.
“I’ll give you another $250 million” - Mavericks owner urges Donald Trump to consider a third presidential term
–– And dribble cup.
When the Bayeaux Tapestry Makes its Historic Return to England, the British Government Will Insure it for More Than $1 Billion
–– How are we? How’s Bayeaux.
The Most Common Misconceptions About the Vulva Debunked
–– A set of minor flaps.
Quest for a drug that lowers an artery-clogging particle nears finish line
–– Clots to look forward to.
Ashwagandha Is the Mood-Boosting, Stress-Managing Adaptogen Everyone Is (Still) Talking About
–– Through slack jaws.
Scott Galloway says the key to landing jobs is be as social as possible: ‘70% of the time, the person they pick is someone with an internal advocate’
–– Whoa, ‘knowing someone’ helps getting job? Who knew?
Mexican Restaurant Employees Hate When You Order Something Like This
–– Glass of water.
The World Wants More Ube. Philippine Farmers Are Struggling to Keep Up
–– Ube kidding.
Here’s What The Capital ‘A’ In Chick-fil-A Actually Stands For
––Was originally Chick-fil-Eight.
Are Boiled Eggs with Green Rings Around the Yolk Safe to Eat, According to a Food Expert
–– Not if copper has oxidized.
Don’t Knock This Fruitcake Until You Try It
–– Then beat it into ground with baseball bat.
Here’s the cheapest car brand for maintenance. Surprised?
–– Who makes that, Hyundai?
Doctor Suspended After Scheduling Fake End of Day Appointments to Avoid Being Late to Pick Up Her Kids
–– For patients with phantom pain.
Florida Supreme Court Allows $165,000 Fine Against Homeowner for Parking in Her Driveway to Stand
–– Not driving in parkway?
Thieves tunnel into bank vault, steal millions from safe-deposit boxes
–– Big burrow and steal.
Swiss bar fire started by sparklers on champagne bottles, officials say
–– Like it couldn't get any sadder.
Nashville shooter Audrey Hale allegedly used federal student aid to buy guns for school attack
–– So, Fox, based on unconfirmed claim, shall we abolish Pell grants?
Calif. Man Who Allegedly Gunned Down Wife with AR-15 in Front of Son Told Police She Was 'Cheating'
–– At canasta!
“That’s unbelievable.” Scientists strapped a camera to a turtle. What it filmed shocked them all
–– Didn’t think it could pleasure self with such short appendages.
It might only weigh 70–113 grams, but this mammal can survive a human standing on it for an epic 5 minutes - does it have the world's strongest skeleton?
–– And weirdest SM fetish?
Is this the world's biggest owl gathering? During winter nearly 1,000 owls descend onto a tiny Serbian town centre – and at night it's party time
–– Parliament funkadelic.
Isiah Whitlock Jr., ‘The Wire’ and ‘Veep’ Actor, Dies at 71
–– Tapped out.
Brigitte Bardot, French ‘sex kitten’ who gave up movies for animal rights, dies at 91
–– Snap chatte.
Chappell Roan Deletes Brigitte Bardot Tribute After Discovering Her Far-Right Views: “Very Disappointing”
–– The clueless-praise-thing?
