We Are Not Hormuzed
Week of 04/24/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
U.S. Blew Through Expensive Weapons in Iran War
–– Blowing big time Trump specialty.
Tim Cook Will Step Down as Apple C.E.O
–– Cooked.
Iran talks on shaky footing after U.S. seizure of ship in Strait of Hormuz
–– It's all that rubble in Tehran.
Trump says Iran talks will resume, threatens power plants and bridges if no deal
–– Empty threats or repeated empty threats, your choice, IRGC.
Trump’s U.N. Ambassador Mike Waltz says bombing every bridge and power plant in Iran wouldn't be a war crime
–– Only because it'll never happen.
Trump orders US military to 'shoot and kill' Iranian small boats choking Strait of Hormuz
–– ‘Don’t even ask boats to raise hands.’
Trump Keeps Talking About Iran’s ‘Nuclear Dust.’ What Is It?
–– Little like his cranial dust.
Navy Secretary John Phelan fired amid critical time in Iran war
–– Phelan on hard times.
Trump’s Dreams for a Battleship Led to His Navy Secretary’s Ouster
–– Phelan promised 880-foot rubber duckie.
U.S. Considers Financial Support for Oil-Rich U.A.E.
–– Emir drop in the bucket?
UAE Professor Says It’s ‘Time to Think About Closing the American Bases’ After Trump’s Iran War: ‘They Are a Burden’
–– ‘And this idiot wants to give us money for nothing. And the chicks for free, heh-heh.’
Here’s what the stock market might have gotten wrong about the Iran war
–– Or How Cocaine Clouds Judgment.
Ignoring the War Has Been Working for Long-Term Investors
–– So have fentanyl stupors.
World’s Top Producer of Condoms Raises Prices as Iran War Rattles Supply Chains
–– Where rubber hits the road.
–– Afraid they'll choke off goal area.
Fed chair nominee Kevin Warsh vows not to be Trump’s ‘sock puppet’
–– Unless sock is filled with his ‘Don Jr.’
Fed Chair Nominee Asserts at Hearing He Won’t Do Trump’s Bidding
–– HogWarsh!
–– Puts back in joke file.
Virginia voters approve redistricting plan that could boost Democrats’ seats in Congress
–– It's stirring to see democracy in…
–– … inaction.
White House officials ‘openly discuss’ firing Kash Patel as FBI chief threatens to sue over report about ‘excessive drinking’
–– Deserves to be toast.
Kash Patel sues The Atlantic for $250 million over alcohol abuse claims
–– You’d have to be pretty smashed to do that.
F.B.I. Said to Have Investigated Times Reporter After Article on Patel’s Girlfriend
–– But suspended due to laughing fits.
Kash Patel, who is suing over unflattering article, says he and Trump are ‘as tough as they come’
–– On the eyes.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Says Trump 'Flat Out' Told Bondi: 'Do Not Release The Epstein Files’
–– Which she cleverly interpreted as 'ones with me in them.'
Pam Bondi’s Former Chief of Staff Reveals Why Trump Enemy Prosecutions Failed
–– Law?
Trump’s pick to lead CISA withdraws nomination after months of political impasse
–– Walks Plankey.
Top Trump Terror Official Suspended Over Sugar Baby Allegations
–– Is anything more terrifying than paying for own dinner?
New Republican plan would fund ICE for rest of Trump’s term
––$70 billion in thugbucks.
Donald Trump Will Step In to Give Press Briefings While Karoline Leavitt Takes Maternity Leave
––
Only master can lie like her.
Trump’s Justice Department is bringing back firing squads for federal executions
–– As long as it applies to all former White House employees.
The ‘Make America Healthy Again’ Movement Is Cooling on Trump and Republican
–– How sick did they have to be?
Trump’s Ice Maiden Lays Down New Order as Panic Sets In
–– Wiles away time.
White House Post Touting Trump Greetings Service Sparks Wave Of Uncomfortable Reminders
–– Plans for cameo page little cringey?
House Democrat resigns ahead of possible expulsion vote over alleged financial crimes
–– Cherfilus-McCormick claims she has COVID, seeks another $5mil in relief funds.
Concern Grows Over Republican Congressman’s Mysterious Absence
–– Has he ever been seen in same room as Batman?
Trump signs order to speed review of psychedelics, including the controversial drug ibogaine
–– RFK Jr. promises it can deliver more Republican votes.
Justice Department reclassifies state-licensed medical marijuana as a less dangerous drug
–– MAGAjuana.
Trump’s ‘National Garden of Heroes’ that is using funds from canceled art grants will not even see one statue by July 4
–– Hoping for cardboard cut-outs of important honorees like William F. Buckley Jr., George S. Patton, Samuel Colt.
Trump Says He’s Renovating ‘Filthy’ Reflecting Pool on the National Mall
–– After spotting own face in it.
Billionaire Investor Sues Trump Crypto Venture for Fraud, Says It’s on ‘Verge of Collapse’
–– Don Jr., Eric are digital currency's Cryptonite.
‘Stunned and Saddened’: Netanyahu Promises ‘Harsh’ Punishment for Soldier Who Smashed Jesus Statue
–– This is what he’s broken up about?
’Donnyland’? Ukraine Proposes Naming Part of the Donbas in Trump’s Honor.
–– Maybe ‘Dumbass’?
The Strait of Hormuz chaos is just a ‘dry run’ for if war breaks out between the U.S. and China, Singapore foreign minister says
–– Which should give you wet runs.
DOJ arrests soldier who made $400,000 betting on Maduro's removal
–– Insider traitor.
How Elon Musk Used SpaceX to Benefit Himself and His Businesses
–– Rockets his world.
Two Litigation Partners Depart Paul Weiss
–– Pale Wuss caved to Trump.
Meta to cut 10% of staff as it pours billions into AI
–– Zuckerberg never meta firee he didn't like.
Bill O’Reilly Issues Stern Warning to Anyone Who Plans to ‘Misbehave’ at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner
–– He's gonna flash sour scowl at them?
Devin Nunes Departs Trump Media After 4 Years as C.E.O.
–– Sad. Moron was perfect fit.
TV Ratings: ‘CBS Evening News’ Slips Under 4 Million Viewers in Recent Weeks
–– When average viewer’s around 80 that’s gonna happen.
Tim Heidecker Wants to Make Infowars the Premier Destination for Trans Comedy
–– That's awfully expensive prank.
Charlize Theron is 'not haunted' by her mother fatally shooting her father: 'He was going to kill us'
–– Actually inspiration for all her action roles.
Dave Chappelle Pitches Eddie Murphy on Joining Potential ‘Chappelle’s Show’ Reboot at AFI Gala
–– Masochistic production assistants lining up around block.
'The Blues Brothers' Made Their Debut as Saturday Night Live's Musical Guests 48 Years Ago, but Were Far from a Punchline
–– Or joke or decent set.
Leonardo DiCaprio Sent Baskets of Pasta to Nikki Glaser After She Roasted Him for Dating Women Under 30 and Never Revealing Info About His Life
–– Penne for her thoughts?
Fox Movie Boss Says Execs Thought 'X-Men' Was a 'Disaster' and Rupert Murdoch Flipped Out Over 'Fight Club': 'What Kind of Sick F—ing Human Would Make This?'
–– Wasn't looking at front page of New York Post?
‘Obsession’ Filmmaker Curry Barker to Direct ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ Reimagining at A24
–– To quote Rupert Murdoch…
–– Release audio files of his dirty lullabies.
LaToya Jackson Says Sister Janet ‘Kindly Declined’ to Be Portrayed in ‘Michael’: ‘I Wish Everybody Was in the Movie’
–– Especially abused minors.
Michael Jackson’s family steps out for the ‘Michael’ premiere, and fans can’t get over Blanket’s resemblance to his father
–– You’d swear they were both human.
Kat Graham Opens Up About Being Cut from Michael Movie After Filming as Diana Ross
–– Was it supreme boobocity?
$500 Million Exit: David Zaslav Is Leaving Warner Bros. a Rich Man — but He’d Love to Stay Around Even Longer
–– He’d already done so much to enrich nation’s cultural heritage.
Paramount Takeover of Warner Bros. Gets Green Light From Shareholders, But They Reject David Zaslav’s Pay Package
–– Thievery most foul!
Knights, Aliens and a Diplomat, Oh My: 10 of Hollywood’s Most Sustainable Sets
–– Early contender for ‘worst hed of year.’
Did a Teenage Stanley Kubrick Secretly Photograph Your Grandmother on the New York City Subway?
–– Was she wearing underwear?
Maggie Gyllenhaal to Preside Over Venice Film Festival Jury
–– Couldn’t they wait until she directed third crappy movie?
Cher was ‘speechless’ after discovering her son fathered child with Julie Andrews’ step-granddaughter
–– We’re just confused.
Russell Brand Admits to “Exploitative” But “Consensual” Sex With 16-Year-Old Girl When He Was 30
–– She signed NDA in crayon.
Nikki Glaser accidentally flashes underwear to Kelly Ripa, Mark Consuelos on air
–– For $20 they expected beav.
Why Does Alexander Skarsgard’s Manhood Keep Getting Cut?
–– Sloppy manscaping?
Elliot Page Hopes Doc Exploring Same-Sex Relationships in the Animal World Helps Queer Kids Feel Less Alone
–– Particularly those into bestiality.
Zendaya’s Stylist Law Roach Called Out of Touch for Complaining About First Class Delta Seat
–– Raw louche.
‘Reefer Madness,’ the P.S.A. That Backfired Spectacularly
–– Not too high-minded?
Laura Loomer loses defamation case against Bill Maher over his joke that she had sex with Donald Trump
–– Everyone knows he’s impotent.
Bob Dylan will come to you
–– In scary dream.
John Carney on Landing “Inscrutable” Nick Jonas for His Latest Music-Centric Movie ‘Power Ballad’
–– In latest slang for ‘blank’.
The Strokes End Coachella Set With Video Condemning U.S. and Israeli Bombings in Iran and Gaza
–– This week in ‘Who’d a thunk it?’
Mets legend Keith Hernandez reveals how much he makes per year in Seinfeld residuals and I'm envious
–– Makes you wish you were world champion baseball all-star with luxuriant mustache?
Is a ‘Curse of the Mambino’ Plaguing the Mets? Mamdani, Say It Ain’t So.
–– Team is filled with millionaires who are redistributing billionaire owner's wealth.
Angels' José Soriano lowers ERA to 0.24, best mark in MLB history through first 6 starts
–– If only season was 4 weeks long.
Muhammad Ali's grandson and Oscar De La Hoya condemn controversial Ali Act reforms in U.S. Senate hearing
–– Laid out arguments.
Paige Shiver says ex-Michigan coach Moore ‘controlled’ her, reveals she was pregnant
–– Sent Shiver down spineless.
There’s Another Reason Gen Z Can’t Find Work
–– Besides ineptitude, laziness, bad attitude, screen addiction?
Master of chaos wins $3-million math prize for ‘blowing up’ equations
–– Doesn’t add up.
A Chinese android just ran a half-marathon faster than any human ever
–– How’d it do against F1 Ferrari?
Why Marriage, for So Many, Is Less Appealing Than Ever
–– AI porn.
I Had an Affair With My Friend’s Wife. Should I Tell Him?
–– Or should I offer him freebie?
If He Leaves You on a Mountain, End Your Relationship
–– Romance has peaked?
What do our moms actually want this Mother’s Day? We asked them to find out
–– Yo mamas? Our dick.
A Couple From Mexico Became Soft Taco Pioneers in Los Angeles 50 Years Ago. Now, Their Restaurant Is a Landmark
–– Shell of former self.
Why this McDonald's open since the 1970s has never served a single customer
–– Sounds like Riddle of the Sphinx for our stupid times.
This Frozen Pizza Is So Good, You’ll Want It More Than Once A Week
–– You sad bastard.
The 8 Best Nuts for Your Health, Ranked by Dietitians
–– 8. MAHAdamia, 7. Pecanese, 6. Wellnuts, 5. Exalted Peanuts, 4. Sugar Pusstachios, 3. Amends, 2. Cold Hard Cashews, 1. RFK, Jr.
A $440,000 Breast Reduction: How Doctors Cashed In on a Consumer Protection Law
–– Deflation inflation?
Canadian killed, six Americans among injured as gunman shoots tourists at Mexico’s Teotihuacan pyramids
–– Sacrifices supposed to have heart.
Gotti Grandson Is Sentenced to 15 Months for Covid Relief Fraud
–– The Dipper Don.
Mihigan Gas Clerk Helps Save Kidnapped Teen Girl Who Mouthed ‘Help’
–– Previous 3 clerks thought she was asking for 'kelp.'
Pugs and Frenchies could find breathing relief for squishy faces with new treatment
–– There's no aesthetic relef for that.
Animal activists attempt second raid at Ridglan, a Wisconsin beagle farm
–– With dog soldiers?
Camera Traps Reveal Iberian Lynxes Soaking Their Prey, a First-Ever Discovery Among Carnivores
–– Take rabbits for everything they’re worth.
These Salmon Got High on Cocaine. That Wasn’t the Craziest Part.
–– They started dealing!
Two spiders were sent to the International Space Station. Scientists were surprised to see what happened next
–– Now 30-ft. long, terrorizing Barstow, CA.
"They can deliver an agonising bite and its venom attacks the nervous system, causing severe pain and a drop in blood pressure..."
–– Stephen, Katie Miller.
This terrifying 'kraken' was the true apex predator of the dinosaur age, scientists discover
–– 'Kraken' wise all day.
This Creature Is Famously Deadly. Scientists Think It’s Spreading.
–– Ask man-o-war to keep tentacles together.
UFO researcher David Wilcock found dead in Colorado, coroner’s office confirms
–– First aliens, now authorities will probe.
Dean Tavoularis, Production Designer on the ‘Godfather’ Films and ‘Apocalypse Now,’ Dies at 93
–– His apocalypse now.
Michael Tilson Thomas, Renowned Conductor, Dies at 81
–– Baton down.
