The Royal Scum
Week of 06/13/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
What to know about ‘No Kings’ protests against Trump’s policies
–– Crown moldy.
National Guard arrives in L.A. amid ICE protests
–– Adding fools to fire.
Second judge blocks most of Trump’s executive order on elections
–– Citing precedent in Bullshit v. Reality.
–– Like Cuervo Jones.
Sen. Padilla is forcefully removed from Noem’s news conference on immigration raids and handcuffed
–– ICEd.
Judge says Trump illegally deployed National Guard to help with LA protests, must return control
–– Court can save us from autocrat…
–– … unless majority on panel appointed by him.
National Guard, Marine response expected to cost $134M, defense official says
–– For 2 buck threat.
Gov. Newsom asks Trump to rescind ‘unlawful deployment’ of California National Guard
–– Would have better luck with request he resinned.
Newsom says California will sue Trump over National Guard, dares Homan to arrest him
–– Like Sixpac goading Piggie Smalls.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Condemns Media Depicting L.A. As “War Zone” Amid ICE Protests: “Isn’t Really The Case”
–– True lies?
Noem praised Trump for sending National Guard. She opposed it when Biden considered it.
–– And she’s usually paragon of consistency.
Bragg Soldiers Who Cheered Trump's Political Attacks While in Uniform Were Checked for Allegiance, Appearance
–– Low IQ.
’Inhumane:’ Latinas for Trump founder condemns White House immigration crackdown
–– So they voted for him because of paper straw policy?
Republicans lay groundwork for ‘total tax cliff’ at end of Trump’s term
–– Which they should jump off now.
Trump Called Musk ‘Big-Time Drug Addict,’ Said Physical Fight With Treasury Secretary Was ‘Too Much’
–– Trump naturally high on strife.
Trump says Elon Musk could face ‘serious consequences’ if he backs Democratic candidates
–– Return America to sanity, continue to be wealthiest man in world?
House DOGE caucus leader says ‘everybody knew’ Elon Musk was exaggerating his cost-cutting achievements
–– Which to admire more, courage or discretion?
JD Vance Finds Out About Musk’s Epstein-Files Posts During Theo Von Interview: ‘S— Missile!’ | Video
–– Is that nickname for self?
Elon Musk Deletes Anti-Trump Posts From X – Including One Claiming the President Is in the Epstein Files
–– Charges didn't age well.
Trump Uses Epstein’s Lawyer as Human Shield Against Musk’s ‘Really Big Bomb’
–– Thought he used invasion of LA.
Elon Musk’s Starlink was installed on the White House roof—Dems say it may ‘undermine national security’ by exposing sensitive data to hackers
–– Security so lax even squirrels up there packing away secrets.
Trump stumbles on steps up to Air Force One
–– As in every phase of presidency.
President Trump appeared to trip up the steps to Air Force One en route to Camp David
–– Appeared?
Donald and Melania Trump Booed at Their First Kennedy Center Show on Opening Night of Les Misérables
–– Retitled Tres Misérables.
Trump says he thinks the government has a 'very easy case' against Kilmar Abrego Garcia
–– Is that what 88x indicted, 34x convicted legal genius thinks?
Donald Trump says return of wrongfully deported man Kilmar Abrego Garcia 'wasn't my decision'
–– Adds ‘I never really heard of him’ and ‘who is Pam Bondi?’
Democrat tears into ’embarrassment’ Hegseth: ‘Get the hell out’
–– Secretary of offense.
Pentagon Insiders Reveal Hegseth Is Angry and Unshaven Post Leak Scandal
–– Stubble bum.
White House struggles to find qualified people willing to work for Pete Hegseth
–– Currently scouring private mental health facilities in South.
Map shows US States most likely to survive nuclear war
–– We’ll keep copy in back pocket, just in case of Apocalypse.
ABC Suspends Terry Moran for Calling Stephen Miller a ‘World-Class Hater’
–– Or for reporting accurately?
Stephen Miller’s Wife Torn Between Two Men As White House Breakup Rages
–– Men?
The Man Who Attempted to Assassinate Trump Was Reportedly "Having Conversations With Someone That Wasn’t There"
–– Guy with not great aim.
Former White House doctor: Biden physician should have tested for cognitive decline
–– Current WH doctor needs to test for insanity.
Sen. Cory Booker says he won't accept campaign donations from Elon Musk
–– In latest meaningless gesture.
Leaked Audio Reveals DNC Chair in Despair Over Dem Civil War: ‘No One Knows Who the Hell I Am’
–– Certain someone Hogging spotlight?
Democratic frustration reaches boiling point over David Hogg
–– Ready to parboil before roasting on spit.
Rand Paul attacks ‘immaturity’ of White House after rescinded picnic invitation, says he’s lost a ‘lot of respect’ for Trump
–– What size reserve could he possibly have started with?
Andrew Yang reaches out to Musk to collaborate on new political party
–– Wants him for his Yin.
Florida agency tells newspaper to halt reporting angle on foundation associated with governor's wife
–– Hope springs infernal.
The longest-serving legislative leader in US history will be sentenced on corruption charges
–– Madigan defended self, “It's been more than 50 years –– think of how many illegal deals I didn’t do!’
Pope Leo breaks from papal dress codes — with a White Sox baseball cap
–– Counseling 'pity for the needy.'
Israel strikes Iran; head of Revolutionary Guard killed in Tehran
–– Salami sliced.
Iran's Supreme Leader says Israel initiated a war
–– Trump gets special mention for abrogating Obama deal.
Witkoff said to warn Iranian response to Israeli strike could lead to mass casualties
–– Still studying map to determine where.
Iran to Crack Down on Dog Walkers
–– Israel did for them.
Israel vows to stop aid boat carrying Greta Thunberg from reaching Gaza
–– Know sinking vessel would guarantee limitless MAGA support.
How to Think About What’s Happening With Iran and Israel
–– First a tumbler of whiskey.
‘It’s just wrong!': Trump blasted for blaming Ukraine after Putin hits civilian targets
–– Just? No way! Also stupid, cowardly, delusional, destructive…
Trump Uses 1 Rather Bizarre Word As He Ponders Why 'Everyone Hates Russia'
–– Bi-czar.
Trump Talks Big on Global Diplomacy, but His Goals Are in Tatters
–– Like high school atlas he was given, never opened.
China and Hong Kong national security authorities launch 1st publicly known joint operation
–– Get really baked.
Colombian presidential candidate Miguel Uribe shot in Bogota
–– Following in mother’s chalk outline.
Cynthia Erivo’s Original Song Provides Lively Tony Awards And Earns A Standing Ovation
–– In latest slang for ‘utterly derivative.’
Inside the Tony Awards: 5 Things You Didn’t See on TV From Big Stars Who Accidentally Missed the ‘Hamilton’ Reunion to George Clooney Catching Up With Oprah
–– To speck of entertainment.
Jonathan Groff Straddles Keanu Reeves Mid-Song While Performing at the 2025 Tony Awards
–– Producers feared show ‘not gay enough.’
Patti Stanger’s Bold Message to Travis Is Raising Eyebrows
–– Not hers due to face work.
Jennifer Garner admits Botox 'doesn't work very well' for her as she shares cautious approach to injectables
–– Why her ads all shot with vaseline on camera lens?
Nicky Hilton’s Unfiltered Breastfeeding Photo Highlights How ‘Each Person’s Feeding Journey Is Unique'
–– Udder nonsense.
Miley Cyrus ‘lost everything’ in her ‘Bangerz’ era
–– Not limitless capacity for self-pity.
Dakota Johnson on how she 'psyches' herself up for sex scenes: 'Let's go to pound town'
–– Like goddess of soul?
Sydney Sweeney Says She Finds It 'Powerful' to Act While Nude: 'I Don't Get Nervous'
–– More power to her.
‘Spaceballs 2': Everything to Know About the Long-Awaited Sequel (Including Which Cast Members Are Returning!)
–– Schwartz is strong with this one?
Al Pacino Shares Hilarious Reason He Turned Down Iconic ‘Star Wars’ Role
–– Policy was strictly Han's off.
Pedro Pascal Raves About ’Fantastic Four’ Co-Star Vanessa Kirby
–– Mr. Fantastic stretches truth.
At 6 feet tall, Kristen Johnston is 'not going to play the leading lady against Tom Cruise.' She's stopped trying to make herself smaller.
–– Or lot younger.
’The Last of Us’ Creators Confirm Kaitlyn Dever-Led Season 3: “I Was Sure They Wouldn’t Let Us Do This”
–– ‘We figured they liked growing audiences.’
What Ever Happened to the Cast of “Hogan's Heroes”
–– Wonder their disappointed heirs.
Jared Leto Denies Report of Inappropriate Sexual Conduct Allegations by 9 Women
–– Claims to have been mistaken for Jay Leno.
Suge Knight Says Diddy Belongs in Prison for Assaulting Cassie: 'Never Disrespect a Woman Like That’
–– Aw, Suge, you old softie.
Authorities found hundreds of bottles of Astroglide, baby oil at Sean 'Diddy' Combs home
–– He’s still hoping to score celebrity endorsement bucks.
“It should have gone out with a fricking bang that shook the world, and it was more like a whimper." Michael Anthony on his Van Halen regret
–– Didn't Jump for joy?
Warner Bros. Discovery Split: What Will Happen to the Movie Studios, HBO Max, Cable Networks and Other Businesses?
–– Will make unpleasant Discovery?
“Majority” of Warner Bros. Discovery’s $37 Billion in Debt Will Be Spun Off With TV Networks, Its CEO Says
–– Glutting the cable.
Prince William’s Billionaire Buddy Dies After ‘Swallowing a Bee’ While Playing Polo
–– We can’t begin to guess what that’s euphemism for.
The Stanley Cup: The storied and quirky history of one of sports' greatest trophies
–– Check into boreds.
Ultrarunner Will Goodge endured hallucinations and sleepless nights during 2,387-mile run across Australia in 35 days
–– Goodge for him.
“I’m a neuroscientist – here’s what having regular sex does to you brain and what happens during a long dry spell”
–– "I know my pants are around my ankles. Just lie back while I explain."
My Friend Hid Her Income While I Picked Up the Tab. Can I Still Trust Her?
–– I always insist on reviewing table mate’s pay stub when splitting restaurant bill.
AI CEO explains the terrifying new behavior AIs are showing
–– Using AI!
Your iPhone is about to get uglier
–– Trump demands you use his mug shot for lock screen.
How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself
–– Or That’s Really Not America’s Problem.
Martha Stewart Just Shared the Tastiest 1-Ingredient (Yes, Really) Dessert Idea for Summer
–– Frozen sweatsicles.
A pickle-flavored ramen now exists
–– Thanks for warning.
Urgent dried fruit recall in 19 states over serious health risk
–– So only buy trivial dried fruit.
Syria asks women to dress modestly on beaches but says bikinis still allowed
–– Won't be known as 'burkini fatso?'
97-year-old woman airlifted to hospital after car crashes through Dollar Tree store in Delaware
–– Cost sore buck.
Hundreds Dead in the Fiery Crash of an Air India Jet
–– In story that could barely stay in headlines with all other day's madness.
The Man in Seat 11A Who Walked Away From the Air India Crash
–– Very unsteadily.
U.S. Border Patrol posts new photos of Hardin’s arrest
–– Proud they caught him 1.5 miles from prison in only 12 days.
Leaders of ‘Orgasmic Meditation’ Group Are Convicted of Coercion Charges
–– Thought they'd get off easy.
She Slipped Cyanide into Her Friend’s Iced Coffee, Killing Her in Minutes: Here’s What She Said Recently on TV
–– 'She did ask for double shot, but I hate guns.'
Archaeologists Excavated a Roman Fort and Made a Weird Discovery: a Huge Ancient Shoe
–– Next to massive pair of subligaculum.
Ancient Sarcophagus Unearthed in Israel Portrays an Epic Drinking Contest Between the God Dionysus and the Mythical Hero Hercules
–– Herc got so wasted phallus fell off.
This Elusive Antarctic Squid Was Seen for the First Time
–– Chillin'.
4-year-old bear aggressively seeking food killed at Montana national park
–– Wouldn't quietly stand in snack bar line.
Watch raccoon jump off moving truck, roll onto Wisconsin highway
–– Wants to be Rocket’s stand-in for next Guardians of the Galaxy movie.
The Dogs of Chernobyl Are Experiencing Rapid Evolution, Study Suggests
–– At least that’s what they told us.
14,000-year-old mummified ‘puppies’ weren’t dogs at all, new research shows
–– And maybe like 13,000-years-old.
Trump administration pulls US out of agreement to help restore salmon in the Columbia River
–– Will provide local hoodlums explosives to dynamite hatcheries.
China pulls decade of rubbish from park that inspired sci-fi film 'Avatar'
–– Which itself was filled with rubbish.
Beans Morocco, 'Used Cars' and 'Eating Raoul' Actor, Dies at 90
–– Cool Beans.
Harris Yulin, Actor Who Perpetually Played the Bad Guy, Dies at 87
–– Yulin cry.
Frederick Forsyth, Master of the Geopolitical Thriller, Dies at 86
–– Forsyth sagger.
Sly Stone, Funk-Rock Pioneer Who Led the Family Stone, Dies at 82
–– Slyd.
Brian Wilson, Beach Boys visionary leader and summer’s poet laureate, dies at 82
–– Beached.
Mike Love Pays Tribute to Brian Wilson at Songwriters Hall of Fame Induction: “I Do Feel His Presence”
–– For love of Mike!
