Epic Phooey
Week of 03/06/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
White House Says We Had to Bomb Iran Because Trump Had a “Feeling”
–– First time he had tingle down there in years.
How to Think About Trump’s War With Iran
–– Does your head fit up your ass?
Iran war enters second week as Trump demands 'unconditional surrender'
–– And where is that on scale of emotions?
Airstrikes alone unlikely to result in regime change in Iran, expert warns: "It has never worked"
–– Are you trying to harsh our Supreme Leader's buzz?
Despite a $200 billion price tag, Trump admits the Iran war could just swap one bad leader for another
–– Let’s pray it has opposite effect in US.
Reported airstrike hits Iranian girls’ school
–– Pentagon pledges, 'longest investigation in history of armed conflict.'
Leavitt Gets Asked Flat Out: ‘Did the United States Airstrike a Girls Elementary School and Kill 175 People?’
–– She humbly admitted error, expressed sympathy for victims and their families, offered them restitution. No?
Sen. Mark Kelly Says ‘Random Group Of People Off The Street’ Could Do a Better Job on Iran Than Trump Administration
–– To be fair, they’d be too smart to launch war in first place.
Russia is providing Iran intelligence to target U.S. forces, officials say
–– Why it's so dumb?
Canadian PM Carney says US and Israel’s strikes on Iran mark ‘failure of the international order’
–– Who’d a thunk it: hoser as leader of free world.
Trump says Iran’s supreme leader killed in strikes
–– 86-year-old shunned GPS, might have trouble finding Paradise.
3 U.S. service members killed in Iran operation, military says; Tehran vows to avenge Khamenei
–– His miserable memory deserves an angry letter to Jerusalem Post, not military action.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iran’s ex-president who said ‘Israel must be wiped off the map,’ killed in Israeli airstrikes
–– Wasn't Netanyahu moved by his past praise?
CIA working to arm Kurdish forces to spark uprising in Iran, sources say
–– Sounds foolproof or proof they're fools.
Congress rushes to get in the loop as critics denounce Iran strikes
–– In newest slang for ‘circle jerk.'
‘How Many Times Do I Have to Tell You?!’ Lindsey Graham Snaps at NBC’s Kristen Welker Asking if Trump Has ‘A Plan’ On Iran
–– “For Pete’s sakes, of course not, when has he ever?”
Richard Quest names his top five aircraft of all time
–– Appropriately while thousands die in bombing raids.
Ted Cruz Says ‘No Indication’ Iran Was ‘Anywhere Close to Getting Nuclear Weapons’
–– Hegseth, 'Big deal, we have dozens of other excuses!'
Physicist lawmaker warns Iran could build ‘Hiroshima-style’ weapon, says US lacks uranium plan
–– Could also spawn Tehranzilla monster that might wreak havoc in region… and beyond.
At last, the credibility of U.S. deterrence is being restored
–– To the dust bin of history.
As Iran attacks Dubai, the tax-free haven for the global elite could see ‘catastrophic’ fallout — ‘this can also send shockwaves globally’
–– Casualties of wtf.
Trump Makes Surreal Turn From Talking War to Mocking Melania
–– And don’t forget golden drapes…
‘First Time Since WW II’: Leavitt Boasts of US Sinking Iranian Submarine With a Torpedo
–– 'Tour Pedo' was nickname for visits to Epstein Island.
Iranian warship sunk by the US was sailing home after taking part in an exhibition hosted by India
–– Last leg of surprise farewell tour.
Noem Drops the Hammer on Dem Asking About Alleged Affair: To You GOP Women Are ‘Stupid’ or ‘Sluts'
–– Or shit-canned.
Tillis threatens to hijack Senate business amid frustrations with Noem
–– How does GOP Senator grow a pair? Retire.
GOP Senator Corners Kristi Noem After She Denies Past Statement on ICE Killing: ‘You Said It on the Record’
–– Insists it was evil twin Kristal.
‘Terribly Awkward!’ GOP Senator Scolds Kristi Noem for Dropping $220M On DHS Ads That Feature Her ‘Prominently’
–– With $110M for hair, make-up.
Trump fires Homeland Security Secretary Noem after mounting
–– Noem more.
How a DHS shooting of a third U.S. citizen went unnoticed for months
–– And with all that transparency…
Long-delayed Jan. 6 plaque honoring police installed in Capitol at 4 a.m.
–– Behind wax statue of QAnon Shaman.
‘Kim Jong Un-level insanity’: Trump plans to build a 100K-seat stadium near White House to host a UFC fight on his birthday
–– Going to need massive vomitorium.
RFK Jr. puts Dunkin’ on notice; Massachusetts governor says ‘come and take it’
–– 'Get in ya cah, drive to Canton, and say hello to a gang of high-stickin' Bruins fans jacked on “Wicked Lahhhge” tumblers of Midnight Roast. You ain't no Kennedy!'
RFK Jr’s Pick For Surgeon General Cashed In Promoting Companies With a History of Unsafe Products
–– On wild bet he'd become Health Secretary, be totally impressed.
FDA’s controversial vaccine chief will exit agency next month
–– To open hair salon.
California US Rep. Darrell Issa to retire in move that raises stakes for GOP holding House control
–– Issa is or Issa ain't?
Ted Cruz leads bipartisan bill that would void and prohibit confidentiality clauses in child sex abuse cases
–– No kidding?
Bill Clinton Says He ‘Feels Bad’ for Receiving Massage From Epstein Accuser: ‘I Liked Her.’
–– ‘She shouldn’t have had to touch me. That’s rough.’
Bill Clinton Says It Was ‘Really Hard’ for Him When Ghislaine Maxwell’s Crimes Were Exposed
–– Your dick joke here.
Rep. Tony Gonzales admits to affair with former staffer, calling it a "mistake"
–– Hot mess.
Germany’s Chancellor Is in Washington. It Gets Worse.
–– He has to shake Trump’s hand!
Putin threatens to cut off gas supplies to Europe
–– ‘Yo, over here, bitches –– I am yet being world’s baddest badass!’
One town’s day of terror after the killing of Mexican cartel boss ‘El Mencho’
–– On Throwup Thursday.
David Ellison Unveils Sweeping Vision for Warner Bros: “This Is About Reinventing the Business”
–– Consolidating into one recycling plant.
HBO Max and Paramount+ Will Become One Streamer
–– Even then stream will be weak.
David Ellison Vows CNN Will Operate Independently as Paramount Buys Warner Bros.: ‘We Want to Be in the Truth Business’
–– 'Where can we buy one?'
‘Jurassic Park’ paleontologist parts ways with university after appearing in Epstein files
–– Bone uncovered.
Tom Hanks' son Chet Hanks is stranded in Colombia after leaving passport at home: 'Free me'
–– Shit got real.
Shia LaBeouf arrested for second time in New Orleans, says 3 men touching his leg triggered initial altercation
–– Two men plus alien, but still…
Billy Porter Says He Was “Dead for Three Days” During His Sepsis Battle
–– After account of his kidney stone infection we were sick for three days.
’Bridgerton’ Stars Luke Thompson, Yerin Ha on Delivering “Something Real” With Sex Scenes: “We’re Not Thirst Trap Puppets”
–– More crush test dummies.
The Oscars' 10 worst best picture winners ever, ranked (talking about you, 'Crash')
–– Guess they didn’t watch last 5 years –– Nomadland, CODA, EverythingEverywhere All at Once, Oppenheimer, Anora…
‘God of War’ Creator Says TV First Look Is ‘So Dumb’ and ‘Terrible’: Looks Like He’s ‘S—ing in the Woods’
–– This week in ‘professional sales skills.’
Maggie Gyllenhaal defends the sexual violence in ‘The Bride’
–– But not criminal assault on cinema?
10 Times Celebs Pushed Boundaries in an Influential Naked Dress: Kate Moss, Bianca Censori, More
–– More really rocked skin show!
Seth MacFarlane Says There Is 'No Plan' For 'Ted' Season 3 Because the Show Is 'Really Expensive': 'You're Doing an “Avengers” Movie Every 22 Minutes With the Amount of CGI That it Takes'
–– Stick a little person in a bear costume, fer chrissakes.
Jodie Sweetin Says Candace Cameron Bure ‘Does Her Thing and We Sit on Very Opposite Sides’ After Claim ‘Full House’ Co-Star ‘Has Gone a Bit Dave Chappelle-y’
–– Deep tan, chain-smoking?
Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs Secures Earlier Release From Prison—Weeks After Delisting $61.5 Million ‘Freak Off’ Mansion
–– On realtor.com, so good news? Bad news?
Andy Dick says his heart stopped after apparent overdose, scan shows '5 to 7 holes' in his brain
–– Like RFK Jr.!
Star Trek’ Star Jeri Ryan, 58, Is a Bare-Faced Beauty as She Celebrates Lookalike Daughter’s Birthday
–– Ya got any other bare parts, wink wink?
Former Prince Andrew "Thinks He's Anointed" and Finds Public Backlash "Deeply Unfair," Says Royal Expert
–– That's mostly expectorant, Andy.
Princess Diana's Former Bodyguard Says Ex-Prince Andrew Is "One of the Most Arrogant" People He's Ever Met
–– OK, that does it, we’re beginning to lose respect.
Comparing Princess Diana and Queen Camilla’s Engagement Rings (One’s Worth Significantly More)
–– One sized for hoof?
Prince Edward’s Wife Sophie Bracing ‘for What Could Come Out’ in His Ex-Girlfriend’s Memoir
–– Hoping to compete with brother Andy.
The Sweat of Tourists Has Covered Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel Fresco in a White Film. Now, the 'Last Judgment' Is Getting a Much-Needed Cleaning
–– On ceiling? What other bodily fluids got up there?
‘He paints phalluses the way others paint landscapes’: the disturbing genius of erotica pioneer Félicien Rops
–– With stiff brush?
This weekend’s US clock change is a problem, and there’s a deep divide on how to fix it
–– Sis slugged little brother, Grandma’s about ready to kill Grandpa.
Believe It Or Not, This Is The Only Cycle On Your Washing Machine That You Should Ever Use
–– Grind!
I Was Taught To Protect My Virginity At All Costs. Instead, I Decided To Seduce My Town's Star Athlete.
–– We like where you’re going with this.
A priest helped her see her drinking problem. Talks with Jesus kept her sober. She’s not the only one
–– Drunk on religion.
There might be 3 different types of ADHD, new brain study suggests
–– But really can't think through.
The median age of home buyers is an affront to the American Dream
–– Picture some 59-year-old slapping your fondest desire.
This Florida Spot Was Just Named the Best U.S. Beach Town by VRBO
–– With fewest buried limbs.
Rick Steves says you should forgo ‘bucket list’ travel –– and go for this instead
–– Post-mortem hearse tours.
I asked 4 chefs To Name The Best Fat Food Hot Dog, And I Can’t Believe The Winner
–– Not 'weiner'?
Scientists Say Simply Smelling These Foods Can Give You More Energy
–– Methcaline Salad, Coke au Vin, Egg Bennies, Peparoni Pizza.
Stop Storing Your Butter in the Fridge ASAP — Here's What to Do Instead
–– Stash it like Brando in Last Tango.
Trader Joe’s products included in huge nationwide recall impacting more than 36 million pounds of food
–– Is ground glass with beef, veal?
The Billionaire Behind Kind Bars Now Thinks He Can Save Democracy
–– Is there LSD-laced flavor?
In defense of sugar
–– By Cap'n Crunch.
One month into Nancy Guthrie’s disappearance, it’s too early to declare this a cold case
–– Pretty damn chilly.
Ex-mayor convicted after son walks in on lewd act at alcohol-infused pool bash
–– Pool full of booze could lead to carnal knowledge of a juvenile.
A Man Waited Until His Mom Died to Reveal Her Bombshell Secret: She Helped D.B. Cooper Disappear.
–– More after the jump.
“It secretes a matcha-coloured substance from its anal gland that smells of rotting flesh.” This animal is insanely good at faking death
–– Now in Starbucks spiced chai!
From the only venomous primate to creatures that can kill you when they’re dead – meet 8 of the world’s weirdest deadly animals
–– 8. Vampire Cat, 7. Grave Fox, 6. Lazarussel Terrier, 5. Reantimator, 4. Ghoulrilla, 3. Dracanfly, 2. Tombcan, 1. Death Rattler.
“They electrocute their prey with an excruciating 600 volts" 10 terrifying electric animals that can deliver a deadly punch
–– 10. Plug Dog, 9. Electric Veal, 8. Shock D Monkey, 7. Lynx Voltamort, 6. Buzzhard, 5. Sizzle Stick Insect, 4. Boltfrog, 3. Kilowasp, 2. Circuit Barker, 1. Wired-hard Terrier.
Do cats really have three eyelids?
–– Blink if you care.
These Majestic Goats Have Been Traipsing Around Ireland for at Least 3,000 Years, Research Suggests
–– The drunken, lazy bastards.
Scientists sink cow 1,629m into South China Sea, then gigantic animal appears out of the gloom
–– Yells, 'Get that thing outta here!'
Bizarro salamander ancestor was an evolutionary oddball
–– Was amphibious Chris Fleming of day.
7,000-year-old deer antler headdress uncovered in Germany
–– Bought off the rack.
This Viking chief was banned from having sex – and you won’t believe the reason why
–– You mean Eric the Pink?
Underneath the ruins of ancient Rome surprising giant creatures roam - to the amazement of scientists
–– Buffalo!
