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Penalty Kicks
Week of 02/16/24

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Satirical photo-illustration of a startled Donald J. Trump being conked on the head by a judge's gavel causing stars to spiral over his head and for his eyes to flash green dollar signs. The gag symbolizes the $350+ million penalty imposed by Judge Engoron in Trump's business fraud trial in New York City.Trump Ordered to Pay $355 Million and Barred From New York Business
–– Realtor reels.

Nalvany spokesperson says 'Alexei Navalny was murdered’
–– Deadpool odds were at -1,000,000.

Judge fines Donald Trump more than $350 million, bars him from running businesses in N.Y. for three years
–– In future Trump will insist it was $3.5 billion, 30 years.

Donald Trump Announces Surprising Stop After Civil Fraud Trial
–– Dollar General.

Fani Willis accuses defense of lying in fiery testimony at Georgia hearing
–– Lying on their back?

Fulton County prosecutors decline to call Fani Willis to return for questioning
–– Avoid cruel, unusual embarrassment.

Opinion: Fani Willis and Nathan Wade need to step aside for the sake of the country
–– Or stay for sake of Trump.

Trump DA Fani Willis says the prosecutor she dated once said the only thing a woman can do for him is make a sandwich
–– And she made one with shit.

Trump seeks Supreme Court intervention in federal election subversion case
–– And hooker’s in federal election perversion case.

Chief justice gives Jack Smith one week to respond to Trump’s bid to stave off trial
–– Justice delayed is just as denied.

Trial Will Test Trump’s Limits of Reaping Political Gain From Legal Woes
–– Will court employ scamometer?

House Homeland chairman announces retirement a day after leading Mayorkas' impeachment
–– His whack was done.

Former FBI informant charged with lying about Biden business
–– Ill-informed informed ill.

Sean Hannity and right-wing media claimed the ‘Biden crime family’ took millions in bribes. Their narrative just fell apart
–– Like finding out Wolf neither big nor bad.

Why the Age Issue Is Hurting Biden So Much More Than Trump
–– Trump has no critical faculties to lose.

White House clashed with DOJ over special counsel report before its release, sources confirm
–– Wanted 'forget-me' nots.

‘Beyond the pale': Why Jill Biden stepped into a more public role responding to the special counsel's report
–– Joe is white as ghost.

A former Long Island congressman says Tom Suozzi 'charged into' the immigration debate in the New York special election and gave Democrats a blueprint to counter the GOP
–– Party should immigrate to Suozziland?

Exclusive-Threats to U.S. federal judges double since 2021, driven by politics
–– Extended sentences.

Gay couple married by Kamala Harris during San Francisco’s ‘Winter of Love’ reunites with VP
–– For threesome!

Utah official censured for falsely suggesting teenage girl is transgender
–– May we suggest official's bi-got?

The head of Oklahoma's Board of Education rejoices after a local elementary school principal resigned following hate-induced bomb threats
-– Rude pol’s drag race.

Nadine Menendez claimed gold bars belonged to her late mother, say federal prosecutors
–– An alchemist who converted them from lead.

CBP's top doctor tried to order fentanyl lollipops for UN meeting, whistleblowers say
–– Don’t get judgy, those meetings are impossible to sit through.

House Intelligence Committee chair delivers cryptic warning of a serious national security threat
–– Gay Russian Jewish Nukes in Space!

Aleksei Navalny, Putin Critic, Dies in Prison, Russian Authorities Say
–– Martyr Russia.

Biden says 'Putin and his thugs' caused Navalny's death
–– Putin perspective.

New York Times columnist calls Tucker Carlson the 'Tokyo Rose of our day’
–– How about Bent-a-dick Arnold?

Putin says Russia prefers Biden to Trump because he's 'more experienced and predictable’
–– Trump, ‘He’s only saying that to hurt my feelings, that beautiful son of a bitch.’

Palestinian doctor flees hospital stormed by IDF only to go back to work in overcrowded Rafah
–– Missed golf date entirely.

Japan slips into recession allowing Germany to overtake as world’s third largest economy
–– Axis if we care.

Kim Jong Un has broken with decades of North Korean policy – does it mean he’s planning for war?
–– ‘Policy’ concocted by self, loony dad.

Kim Jong Un draws red line at sea, renews promise to fire on South Korean ship 'that violates even 0.001mm’
–– With dry marker!

Nigerian ex-President Muhammadu Buhari's signature forged to withdraw $6m, court hears
–– Emailing Nigerian Prince suspected.

Venezuela expels U.N. human rights officers, citing ‘colonialist’ behavior
–– Annoyed by breeches, waistcoats, tricorne hats.

Iran declares Antarctica its property in direct challenge to Biden, global treaty
–– Cold snap.

India’s main opposition party says tax authorities have frozen its funds, weeks before nationwide election
–– This week in ‘Coinkydinks.’

Long Overlooked for Awards, Casting Directors Are ‘Gobsmacked’ Over Finally Having a Chance at Oscars Glory
–– Role with it.

Marjorie Taylor Greene rips ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’: HBO show depicts Trump supporters as ‘racists and red necks’
–– ‘I mean it’s supposed to be a comedy not a documentary!’

Dolly Parton wants fans to ‘forgive and forget’ Elle King’s Grand Ole Opry tribute
–– ‘Forget like they was lyrics to one a’ my songs.’

‘Grey’s Anatomy’: Ellen Pompeo Will Be in At Least Four Episodes of Season 20 (Exclusive)
–– Wow, that’s amazing… 20 f***in’ seasons?!

Luke Combs Says His Grammys Performance With Tracy Chapman Is “Still Hard to Process”
–– Hit puree, forget.

Are The Rumors True? Bea Arthur Thought Betty White Was ‘Two-Faced,’ New Book Claims
–– Are there photos of back of head shaved?

Eric Idle Rampage: Monty Python Star Takes Shots At John Cleese, Terry Gilliam & Netflix In Twitter Rant
–– Idle wild.

'Oppenheimer' doesn't get Einstein's relationship with the Los Alamos director quite right. Here's what they really thought of each other.
–– But Conti’s fright wig, cartoon accent ‘spot on.’

'Out of Darkness' Director Explains the Film's Shocking Twist and How He Made a Stone Age Horror in a Fake Language
–– And lost producers all that money.

Chiefs parade survivor heard fight break out before getting shot: 'I collapsed’
–– In shot gun formation.

Delayed Super Bowl celebration? Chiefs' Hardman blacks out, didn't know he made game-ending catch
–– At least he didn't catch actual bullet.

‘He tested that hip out’: Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid laughs off Super Bowl spat with Travis Kelce
–– Like something Coach Lombardi would say.

Travis Kelce says his Super Bowl sideline scuffle with Coach Andy Reid was 'definitely unacceptable’
–– Reid: ‘Aw, the kidder, he can knock me on my ass anytime.’

Who won the Super Bowl? Usher or Taylor Swift?
–– Or some other third-string pop star?

I finally figured out why I, a millennial woman, am so into the whole Tayvis thing
–– Peered into bottomless nothingness of your existence?

US women's captain Lindsey Horan apologizes after saying American soccer fans 'aren't smart’
–– We say ungrateful team captains ‘idiots.’

My funny valentine: How humor can sweeten — or sour — a relationship
–– Milk chocolate or gum balls.

Lonely this Valentine's Day? Dr. Ruth says do this
–– Jerk off, duh!

What Sourdough Taught Me, in the Pandemic and Beyond
–– On knead to know basis.

The Salmon You're Eating May Not Be What You Think It Is
–– Is that even your dinner plate? Where is this place?

My first name made me stand out. Now, as an adult, I'm thankful for the uncommon name I was given.
–– Juan a bet?

A Columbia psychology professor says Gen Z should accept that stress and anxiety at work are normal life experiences: 'We should all feel stressed sometimes’
–– Gen Z: "Waaaaah, waaaaah!'

I’ve lived in Alaska for over 20 years. Here are 11 of the biggest mistakes I see first-time visitors make.
–– 1) Arrive.

Rome Finally Gets the Modern Hotels It Deserves
–– And you get $1,750 room you deserve.

Why are Republicans more likely to suffer hearing loss?
–– They never listened in first place.

Black audiences consume more media and TV than any other group, but they want better representation
–– Hire lawyer.

Musée d'Orsay Breaks Attendance Records With Interactive Vincent van Gogh Exhibition
–– Because who wants to admire actual masterpiece?

Artist says he’ll destroy paintings by Picasso, Warhol with acid if Assange dies in prison
–– Ickileaks.

Threatening to dissolve masterpieces in acid is a pathetically banal stunt for our shallow times
–– Using sophmoric acid.

Protesters pour red powder on US Constitution enclosure, prompting evacuation of National Archives
–– Articles in peach tint?

Jewish man told to leave Paul Currie gig says London is scary
–– Curries no favor.

A Miami radio host says he was fired for having a ‘very Latino’ show
–– Were his ratings caliente?

My coworker was 17 years older than me and was too attracted to me to be in the same meetings. We're now engaged.
–– Kept whipping it out during PowerPoints.

48-year-old who lived rent-free in Manhattan hotel for 5 years pushed his luck too far: claiming he owned the whole thing, DA says
–– Pulled a Trump.

17-year-old alleged ‘serial swatter’ charged after police say he made threats throughout the country
–– Terrifying innocent mosquitoes.

Texas salesman called racial slur and shot at by homeowner is saved when tablet device blocks bullet
–– Aye! pad.

Person tortured for days escapes when man holding them captive passes out, MS cops say
–– What you get for sleeping on job.

Kidnapped girl from South Carolina found in Florida with man from Wisconsin, authorities say
–– Altered states.

Couple whose gender-reveal party sparked the massive El Dorado fire sentenced
–– It’s a boy-oh-boy.

Tesla worker killed in fiery crash may be first ‘Full Self-Driving’ fatality
–– Rates eternal flame in EV junkyard.

Self-driving Cruise vehicle accused of nearly hitting kids in two separate close calls, one day apart
–– Programmed to try harder.

Skydivers’ plane kills Mexico beachgoer during emergency landing
–– Blood and sand.

Man dies mid-flight after breaking out in 'cold sweats' and losing 'liters of blood,' scaring his fellow passengers
–– Wusses!

My Oldest Friend Is Being Paroled From Prison. Can I Dump Her?
–– Was she in for murder?

Double homicide suspect allegedly calls 911 on herself: 'I couldn't resist urge to kill’
–– ‘Was like being chocoholic.'

Pennsylvania magistrate judge is charged with shooting her ex-boyfriend in the head as he slept
–– With judge, executioner.

A California man was found with 1 million rounds of ammo and 248 illegally owned guns in his house, state authorities say
–– Just in casing.

The River Thames is a London landmark. Police keep pulling out bodies.
–– Bobby up to surface.

3 officers shot in Washington while attempting to make an animal cruelty arrest
–– Pet sounds exceptionally cruel.

Headlights are blinding us. Here’s why it’s mostly an American problem
–– Another bright idea.

‘Extraordinarily misguided’ man put pythons in pants, boarded bus to US, attorney says
–– Authorities: ’And, it turns out, not happy to see us.’

Great Apes Love to Tease, Poke and Pester, Suggesting the Urge to Annoy Is Millions of Years Old
–– Real nit wits.

Joking around common among young chimps — and across ape family, study finds
–– Especially when in barrel.

Angler didn’t realize how ‘massive’ record-breaking fish was — until it fought back
–– Sued fisherman in net court.

Alligator in pond prompt 911 calls, Arizona city says. It’s not what it seems
–– Not lack of agreement of verb tense?

Venomous 1-foot-long creature found hunting in forest of Ecuador. It’s a new species
–– With itsy-bitsy rifle.

Sheep gives unexpected greeting to favorite person: “That’s a dog”
–– This week in ‘AI Headlines.’

Study Featuring AI-Generated Giant Rat Penis Retracted, Journal Apologizes
–– Retracted or just tiny?

The grain moths have finally reached Antarctica
–– Immediately fire travel agent.

This Fossil Is Famous. Scientists Say It’s a Fake.
–– Jealous!

Who Kissed First? Archaeology Has an Answer
–– Have long suspected it was of Sumerian’s bony ass.

Bones found in German cave rewrite timeline of early human history
–– When dipped in ink.

Ancient man migrated to Denmark before being clubbed to death, new research finds
–– Nightlife scene was killer in 3,200 BCE.

Medieval token of love — with a familiar phrase — unearthed in Poland, photos show
–– ‘Wanna Netflix and chill?’

Stone Age megastructure found submerged in the Baltic Sea wasn’t formed by nature, scientists say
–– They suspect it was work of Cro-Mariner.

Video shows surgeons remotely controlling robot to perform simulated surgery in space
–– Gave HAL virtual vasectomy.

This wormlike, limbless robot could someday come to your rescue
–– Y’know, if you’re bleeding out in nightmare.

Randy Sparks, who gave folk music a big choral sound, dies at 90
–– Sparks flies.

Terry Levene, Founder of Aquarius Releasing, Dies at 90
–– Released to grindhouse.

Anthony Epstein, pathologist behind Epstein-Barr virus find, dies at 102
–– Barr none.