Supreme Sacrifice
Week of 06/27/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Supreme Court limits nationwide injunctions, but fate of Trump birthright citizenship order unclear
–– Rule federal judges can request hands tied in front.
Trump Rages Through Night Over Leak of Humiliating Iran Flop
–– Drenched in flop sweat.
Supreme Court limits nationwide orders that have blocked Trump’s birthright citizenship ban
–– All federal judges will be provided Bic lighter to aid in immolation of U.S. Constitution.
Sotomayor’s dissent: "No right is safe in the new legal regime the Court creates"
–– Except far right.
NATO chief clarifies earlier comments about Trump: "I didn't call him daddy"
–– “Unless this is meaning same as motherf**ker.”
At the NATO summit, fear of Trump dominates
–– Because summit took place on planet Earth.
Senate rejects effort to restrain Trump on Iran as GOP backs his strikes on nuclear sites
–– Throws in droit de seigneur rights applying to own daughters.
Trump Threatens Iran With 'Many' More Bombings After U.S. Attack
–– Or ceasefire, depending on hour of night posting.
Rubio Fleshes Out Trump’s Case That Iran Nuclear Capacity Was Eliminated
–– By crediting Israeli bombing campaign.
Trump says Israel and Iran 'don't know what the fuck they're doing'
–– Says man who can’t find own ass with GPS.
‘Severe damage’ at nuclear sites, Pentagon says; Iran warns U.S. to expect a response
–– Because if you can’t trust Pete Hegseth’s learned assessment…
How Trump got to ‘yes’ on bombing Iran
–– Which Fox News show convinced him?
Iran's 'crown prince' calls for supreme leader to 'face justice'
–– Pshah!
Vance Hints Uranium Was Moved After Trump Tipped Off Tehran
–– Gives glowing review.
Bolton: ‘Level of dissatisfaction across Iran is really pretty incredible’
–– Who could believe citizens disappointed with that regime?
"I don't want it": Trump says US is not seeking regime change in Iran
–– ‘Like I did last night.’
As Bombs Fall, Trump’s ‘Cosplay Cabinet’ Reveals the Gap Between Reality and Reality TV
–– LARP it up.
How much have US wars in the Middle East and Afghanistan cost?
–– Calculated in healthcare cuts?
Trump’s Iran Strikes Are Upending Our Sense of What Kind of President He Is
–– Absolutely nothing can change that.
Trump Mimics Clint Eastwood, Dares AOC to Impeach Him: ‘Make My Day!’
–– While looking like Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose.
University of Virginia president resigns amid pressure from the Trump administration
–– No UV protection.
Dutch queen ‘mocks’ Donald Trump on live TV
–– In Maxima overdrive.
Takeaways from New York City’s mayoral primary: Mamdani delivers a political earthquake
–– To Democrats' house of cards.
Zohran Mamdani Just Delivered The Most Epic Response After Trump Called Him A "100% Communist Lunatic"
–– Don't mess with the Zohran?
GOP Rep. Thomas Massie Bites Back After Trump Calls for His MAGA Banishment
–– Takes Massie shot.
‘Less Burnout, More Babies’: How Conservatives Are Winning Young Women
–– Poker games.
Gavin Newsom Sues Fox News for $787 Million, Alleges Network Host Falsely Claimed He Lied About Trump Call
–– Files Newsom's suit.
Russia’s former president says countries are lining up to give Iran their nukes. Analysts are calling his bluff.
–– Or Putin noogies?
Justice Dept. Leader Suggested Violating Court Orders, Whistle-Blower Says
–– Or, more accurately, “would need to consider telling the courts ‘f**k you’”
–– Bove weasel.
Russia’s economy boomed after the invasion of Ukraine—it’s now running out of steam
–– Or 'bombing?'
What to Know About the Wedding of Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez
–– With headline we already know more than we want.
Jeff Bezos & Lauren Sanchez's 'Tension-Filled' Wedding Moves Location Days Before $48 Million Event
–– Tighter than her face.
As Lauren Sanchez and Jeff Bezos walk down the aisle in Venice, they have a big secret
–– Money can't buy you hipness.
Lauren Sánchez Dazzles in Mega-Carat Diamond Ring and a New Bracelet with a Special Nod to Jeff Bezos on Wedding Day
–– She'll be nodding in lap for years to pay off.
Best and WORST dressed celebs at Lauren Sanchez and Jeff Bezos' wedding extravaganza in Venice
–– Knock WORST.
’Star Wars’ “Looks Terrible” in Screening of Long Lost Original 1977 Version
–– Lucas spent decades smearing digital lipstick on pig.
Robert Downey Jr. Supports ‘Ironheart’ Star Dominique Thorne Amid Review-Bombing Campaign: ‘We’re in This Love Together’ | Video
–– How about this hate?
Robert Downey Jr. Says Pedro Pascal Becoming a Star ‘Reaffirms My Faith in Our Industry’; Downey Invited Pascal to ‘Homework Days’ During ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Filming
–– For remedial hyping.
Emma Stone’s Explanation Of The Internet’s Obsession With Pedro Pascal Is Perfect, But I’m Even More Obsessed With Her Pixie Cut
–– Dull audiences demand dull stars.
’House of Cards’ star Robin Wright says Netflix made her juggle three jobs to earn the same $500,000-per-episode salary as her costar Kevin Spacey
–– She wasn’t even recognizable in beard as Reporter #3 and craft services chili wasn’t going to serve itself.
Brad Pitt Says He Was in ‘The Most Unhealthy Time’ of His Life, Until David Fincher ‘Reinvigorated’ His Love of Acting With ‘Se7en’: ‘I Just Got the Jones Back’
–– 'It was like I discovered my head in that box.'
Lena Dunham Describes Her Netflix Series ‘Too Much’: “When a Loud, Messy Jewess Descends on a City of Deeply Repressed People”
–– Will that fit on poster?
‘Jaws’ turns 50. It changed pop culture and our perception of sharks
–– Yeah, remember when people had them as pets?
Daisy Edgar-Jones to Star in New ‘Sense and Sensibility’ Film Adaptation
–– This year’s?
Box Office: ‘Elio’ Limps to Record-Low $21M Pixar Opening as ‘How to Train Your Dragon’ Stays No. 1
–– Kinda smellio.
‘Borat’ Director Stopped Talking to Sacha Baron Cohen After He Started ‘Surrounding Himself’ With ‘Show Business People’ and ‘Pulling Away’ From Subversive Humor: ‘He Wanted to Be More of a Traditional Movie Star’
–– Otherwise could’ve been Borat 5: Very Very Very Nice!
Johnny Depp Says ‘I Was a Crash Test Dummy for #MeToo’ and ‘I Didn’t Feel Nervous’ Facing Off Against Amber Heard in Court: ‘I’ll Fight Until the Bitter F—ing End’
–– Portrait in Courage 2025.
‘Cobra Kai’ Star Martin Kove Accused of Biting Co-Star Alicia Hannah-Kim at Fan Convention
–– Like cobra?
Tom Holland, Zendaya’s fiancé, among top choices as the next James Bond
–– Oh, is that who he is?
New James Bond Actor: 3 Favorites Emerge Including Tom Holland
–– If Q issues him elevator shoes.
32 Funny Nate Bargatze Quotes From The Comedian’s Stand-Up
–– Both clean and jerk.
’Blue’s Clues’ Host Steve Burns Launches Podcast to Help Former Viewers Navigate Adult Life
–– We'd prefer 'Booze Clues.'
Will Forte Says ‘SNL’ Should Have ‘Retired’ George W. Bush Impressions After Will Ferrell, Admits His Version Was a ‘Letdown’: ‘It’s Like Trying to Replace the Church Lady’
–– Definitely not his forte.
TV Ratings: ’The Gilded Age’ Scores Best Premiere to Date With Season 3 Opener
–– It was that or ether for traumatized nation.
She was Honey Boo Boo
–– She should be sad memory.
Remember When Kylie Minogue’s gold hotpants stole the turn of the millennium?
–– Y2 ¿qué?
Why Barbra Streisand Was “a Bit” Scared to Hit Studio With Bob Dylan to Record New Duet
–– He was singing, for cryin’ out loud.
Billy Idol Wasn't Shocked To Find Out He Had a Secret Son After 'Sex with a Million People' in the 80s
–– Ballin' Idol.
Roseanne Barr says baby she gave up for adoption as a teen thought she was Goldie Hawn
–– Tried out for junior high production of Private Benjamin.
‘Boop! The Musical’ Will Close on Broadway in July
–– Booped out.
Paramount Sued by Paul Harvey Estate for Alleged Unlawful Use of Late Broadcaster’s Voice in ‘Landman’
–– And that’s the way it isn't.
Diddy's Lawyer Riles Up Courtroom With Passionate Closing Argument: Diddy Is on a 'False Trial' for Being a 'Swinger' Who Likes 'Threesomes'
–– With young women who don't.
Megyn Kelly Responds to Ariana Grande’s Support for Trump Impeachment by Targeting Her ‘Dangerously Thin’ Appearance | Video
–– According to Ozempicized 54-year-old who sounds jealous.
Marc Maron Says Battle Over Anti-Woke Comedy Is Done: ‘You Won’
–– Waves white nationalist flag.
Halle Berry Dances So Hard to Boyfriend's Music That Her Bikini Bottoms Fall Right Off
–– Bottom’s out, like career.
Lorde's New Vinyl Cover Insert Is A Bare Vagina
–– Anything on A-side?
Free the Nipple: Celebs Who’ve Ditched Their Bras!
–– Then sued for non-support!
28 Years Later: Did Chi Lewis-Parry wear a prosthetic for his viral nude scene?
–– 28 centimeters later.
Joe Rogan: Nobody would have ‘signed up’ for Trump if they knew how he would use ICE
–– Like he said he would?
Social media influencer 'Liver King' arrested for making 'terroristic threats' after seemingly challenging Joe Rogan to fight
–– Got hep?
Laura Loomer airs old texts with Tucker Carlson after he brands her ‘world’s creepiest human’
–– Knowing his own humanity impossible to verify.
Cardinals broadcaster Chip Caray reportedly won't be punished for accidentally saying anti-gay slur on air: 'Honest' mistake
–– Does he have gay pride disability?
Clippers' James Harden sued for alleged negligence in sexual assault case against his nephew
–– Too hard on? Not hard-on enough?
Failed Sotheby’s auction of $70,000,000 bronze bust leaves bidders speechless, art insiders stunned — here’s how the jaw-dropping turn of events unfolded
–– ‘Failed’ at $64.25 mil.
Why Did the Novel-Reading Man Disappear?
–– Went way of novel-writing man.
Are TV Ads Worth Your Time
–– How empty is your life if you have to ask?
AI is transforming Indian call centers. What does it mean for workers?
–– Answering technical questions from tourists they sell trinkets?
A ‘White-Collar Blood Bath’ Doesn’t Have to Be Our Fate
-– Howzabout a ‘white-collar necktie party?’
I Had An Itch In A Very Private Spot. Things Turned Tragic After I Asked My Doctor A Simple 4-Word Question.
–– 'Want to scratch that?'
Rick Perry: I’m dedicating my life to fighting for a psychedelic drug
–– That quells demons in my head.
Why protecting your vagus nerve is key to optimal mental health
–– We hadn’t vagus idea.
How Can We Get My Aging Stepmother to Cull Her Many Belongings?
–– Before we cull her.
Woman Stresses About the Future of Her Marriage After Mother-in-Law Moves in and Tests Her 'Firm Boundaries'
–– With repeated spankings.
21 Dishes to Make for Someone Going Through a Hard Time
–– 21. Chicken in a Casket, 20. Prozac Snacks, 19. Shivawurst on Rye, 18. Pot Roast in Wavy Gravy, 17. Beef Tata, 16. Bier-battered Onion Rings, 15. Barb-B-Quaalude Ribs, 14. Funeral Cake with Sugar Taking Powder, 13. Stuffed Grief Leaves, 12. Abuse Mouche, 11. Macaroni and Cheats, 10. Split Peeve Soup, 9. Mental Gruelty, 8. Pasta Iller Vodka, 7. Vino Schnitzel, 6. Back Pain au Chocolate, 5. Hot Cross Bummed, 4. Boiled Killbossa, 3. Anguish Breakfast, 2. Cold Fired Pizza, 1. Baba au Rhum, hold the Baba.
You Won't Catch Guy Fieri Eating These 9 Foods
–– If you don't want to get sick to your stomach.
McDonald’s are introducing a new Filet-O-Fish burger for the first time in 50 years
–– Praying people have forgotten Folly-O-Fish fiasco of '75.
My Husband Doesn't Boil or Grill Hot Dogs — He Does THIS Instead (So Delicious!)
–– Warms in his tail pipe.
United Flight Declares Emergency 8 Hours Into Flight, Sends Out International Distress Code
–– Was it related to International Dress Code issued for unfashionable San Franciscans headed to Rome?
Yes, crew members do have sex in the cockpit, flight attendant confesses: 'The plane is on autopilot'
–– 'My trou's down and my seat's upright.'
Suspect in Minnesota lawmaker attacks was a ‘prepper’ who had drafted a ‘bailout plan’ for wife, according to court filing
–– Single person 'chuter.
Florida Men Accused of Stealing More Than $100 Million Meant for People With Special Needs
–– Insisted need for limited edition Maserati was 'special.'
Supreme Court takes case of Rastafarian whose head was shaved by prison guards
–– Will split Court be dreadlocked?
Death cap mushrooms killed three lunch guests. Was it murder or a ‘terrible accident’?
–– Was ‘Come Enjoy Your Last Meal’ on invite clue?
Multiple bodies found with hands, feet tied in Mediterranean Sea
–– Buoy bands.
I moved my son out of New York to protect him when he was young — 14 years later, he was shot and killed there
–– Genuinely sad, but make that upstate NY which is way more dangerous than NYC.
Tick Populations Are Booming Across the U.S. And Displaying ‘Alarming’ New Behavior
–– Tick tic boom?
Drone footage reveals orcas using tools in a stunning first
–– Rubbing kelp on each other, not exactly Bob the Builder.
The Rodents of Chicago Are Evolving in Real Time, Scientists Say
–– Inspiring Pixar sequel Rat Ptui!
Unaware of the Battle of Bunker Hill, the British Elite Partied On
–– By Nick, you guessed it, Bunker.
First Near-Complete Denisovan Skull Reveals What This Ancient Human Cousin Looked Like
–– With hole in head.
Why the Outside Feels Like Soup Right Now (and When It Will End)
–– Look, the Outside will order soup no matter the weather.
Climate Action Isn’t Dead. It’s Just Not Focused on the U.S.
–– Which is only biggest polluter after China.
A third of Pacific island nation applies for Australian climate change visa
–– Had that sinking feeling.
‘My heart just hit the ground’: Legendary rock guitarist, dead at 81
–– Well, that'll do it.
Arnaldo Pomodoro, 98, Sculptor of Monumental Fractured Spheres, Dies
–– Tomato canned.
Fred Smith, Billionaire Founder of FedEx, Is Dead at 80
–– Returned.
Bobby Sherman, former teen idol and Here Come the Brides star dies aged 81, John Stamos announces
–– Sherman tanks.
Lalo Schifrin, Prolific Film Composer Who Wrote ‘Mission: Impossible’ Theme, Dies at 93
–– Lay low.
Bill Moyers, the former White House press secretary turned acclaimed TV journalist, dead at 91
–– Moyers the pity.
