Avocato Toast
Week of 08/07/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Senate committee advances Blanche nomination after standoff over Trump fund
–– Like giving Tom Hagen nuclear codes.
Trump says Iran facing ‘last chance’ before ‘decapitation’
–– He thinks it means tipping one’s cap.
An agreement on the Strait of Hormuz is taking shape – but not one Trump wants
–– Forming in Tehran’s lower intestines.
Trump says deal to reopen the Strait of Hormuz could come as early as Wednesday
–– Creep’s in this petty pace from day to day.
Trump’s top general is ‘looking for an off-ramp’ from Iran war as US military options remain limited, sources say
–– Straight into Strait of Hormuz.
Exclusive-US has used 'virtually all' of its long-range precision missiles during Iran war, sources say
–– Hegseth frantically looking for infinite ammo cheat.
As Trump cites progress on deal to end war, Iran and Israel remain on alert
–– Based on his repeated claims, he could’ve actually settled eight wars.
GOP Sen. Cassidy says he supports Blanche for attorney general, likely paving way for confirmation
–– Rolling blacktop over Lady Justice in body bag.
Blanche pledges to make Dobbs decision ‘permanent’ in every state
–– Aborting Justice.
Blanche’s Family Ties to Gun Industry Are Likely to Raise Questions
–– In minds of legitimate legislators not these lickspittles.
The US economy unexpectedly lost 23,000 jobs last month
–– Unexpectedly? Haven’t been paying attention last 18+ months?
U.S. trade deficit isn’t much lower than before Trump took office
–– Truth deficit at all-time high.
Trump’s tariffs were supposed to boost American manufacturing, but the new levies are actually pushing some companies back to China
–– Which we are sure was somehow original plan.
Bessent Declares Widening Gap Between Rich and Poor ‘Dead’
–– Like gap between his lips, Trump’s ass.
GOP senator on Trump’s Reflecting Pool vandalism claims: ‘He grows anxious when he has an unexpressed thought’
–– As do we once expressed.
Trump: Pirro 'choked,' 'folded like an umbrella' in Reflecting Pool case
–– Over empty pool of evidence.
Contents of Jeanine Pirro’s mystery box revealed as she tried to convince Trump what really caused the Reflecting Pool damage
–– We don't even want to begin to imagine contents of her 'mystery box.'
Trump renews bid to fire Fed governor Lisa Cook despite supreme court ruling
–– Rabid dog with moldy bone has better judgment.
Why was Fauci held in contempt for pleading the 5th, and what happens next?
–– Because he's not Eric Trump, Roger Stone, Michael Flynn…
Aaron Rodgers: Fauci a ‘coward’ and a ‘criminal’ for taking the Fifth
–– Can't keep his anti-vax straight.
If you invested $1,000 in gold, Bitcoin and $TRUMP on Inauguration Day, here is what each is worth today
–– Take wild guess which one’s down 97%.
Education’s McMahon Asks All U.S. Colleges For Trump-Approved Reform Commitments By Year’s End
–– This dummy will be left waiting after class.
Trump energy chief lied to Congress about canceled clean energy funds, lawmakers allege
–– Cite video of Wright’s lips moving.
US appeals court blocks Trump’s $400 million White House ballroom project
–– No more quickstep or jive.
Documents Undercut Trump’s Claims About Utah National Monument
–– Bears Ears' bare-faced.
El-Sayed edges out establishment candidate in crucial Michigan Senate primary
–– As Democrats apply suicide bomb to own foot.
Van Jones: El-Sayed Has A "Tremendous Opportunity" To Back Off His More Extreme Policies, Reassure Jewish Voters
–– Voters who will effectively deliver Senate back to Trump?
Hasan Piker's defense of Hamas having 'right to resist militarily' draws condemnation from human rights groups
–– And squeals of delight from us here at FOX who will pretend ‘Twitch streamer’ is chairman of party.
Trump Rally Crowd Boos Fallen Officer After Hearing Arabic Last Name: ‘No No, We’re Not Booing’
–– 'Save hate for El-Sayed, Omar, Tlaib…'
Francesca Hong fires back at Axelrod over 'zany liberal' criticism
–– Hong out to dry.
This is your moment, Kamala Harris. America needs you.
–– Even sarcastically, that’s chilling.
Republicans want to talk about James Talarico’s manhood. Talarico says let them.
–– Find it.
Ohio GOP family feud explodes as Sen Bernie Moreno calls on Rep Max Ohio Rep. to resign
–– Finally got up courage to buck Trump, call out scumbag for beating up daughter. What a man!
Max Miller faces a growing number of calls to resign from fellow Republicans
–– How’s it feel to get slapped around?
Ethics panel recommends House censure Republican Rep. Chuck Edwards for conduct with two aides
–– Were they responsible for weird coif, bizarre facial hair?
Rep. Edwards drops competitive reelection bid after House censure recommendation
–– Makes freaky abuser one of most honorable Republicans in Congress.
New York City Homeowners Sue Over Mamdani’s Pied-à-Terre Tax Rollout
–– Put their pieds down.
“No problem is too small to fix”: New Yorkers are calling on Mayor Zohran Mamdani for help and getting surprisingly fast results
–– Last seen picking up dog poop for elderly voter with bad back.
Trey Gowdy: Socialists want to create an America we ‘don’t recognize’
–– We corrupted enablers of the oligarchs.
Senate passes sweeping Russia sanctions bill negotiated by the late Sen. Lindsey Graham
–– Could slap Putin in chains, still not begin to erase Trump stain on legacy.
Jealously Watching OpenAI and Anthropic, Meta Suddenly Claims That Its AI Went on a Hacking Spree Too
–– ‘Our AI is so badass it could extinct humankind in, like, months!’
SpaceX posts loss of $541 million in first report since record-setting IPO
–– Performing as well as this X.
Ronald Lauder, a Billionaire G.O.P. Backer, Closes His Wallet
–– Sounds lauderble.
‘Sir, How Are You So Handsome?’ Maggie Haberman Roasts Trump’s Adoring White House
–– ‘For an ancient degenerate who’s soul is rotten?’
Departure of New York Times columnist puts a spotlight on the void of pro-Trump voices in its opinion pages
–– Pro-Trump voices on opinion pages put spotlight on own void.
Former ‘60 Minutes’ Correspondents Scott Pelley And Sharyn Alfonsi To Serve As Journalists In Residence At Columbia University
–– Every hour-long class to start with talking head introduction, ticking clock.
David Ellison Breaks Silence on Antitrust Lawsuit: It’s Not About Market Share, It’s About CNN
–– Corporate Net Numbers?
Ariana Grande to Take ‘Step Back From Visibility’ After Tour Ends Amid ‘Public Scrutiny,’ Drops Out of ‘Sunday in the Park With George’ Musical
–– Does tend to happen when on stage.
Ariana Grande Is ‘Taking a Step Back from Visibility’ After Tour as Public Scrutiny Intensifies: Rep
–– She can just turn sideways.
Ariana Grande May or May Not Be Struggling. We Can Talk About It Without Trying to Shame Her
–– If she cares what Variety thinks, she sure is.
Gillian Armstrong slides deeper into sex, but don’t pigeonhole her again
–– Don’t now what act that’s slang for, but assume it involves plenty of lube.
Disney CEO Admits ‘Star Wars: The Mandalorian and Grogu’ and ‘Moana’ Underperformed at Box Office but ‘Fueled Other Parts of Our Company’
–– Specifically HR in producing severance packages.
Disney Expands ‘Descendants’ Universe With New Movie Centered on Sidekicks
–– Descends to new depths.
The Hostiles: The 1973 Western That John Wayne and Clint Eastwood Couldn't Agree On
–– For a feud dollars more.
The 1971 film that saw Trump coming
–– Bananas?
Why Does Every Famous Guy Have a Rogue Forehead Curl?
–– Too many Superman comics?
‘Not afraid of controversy’: Edinburgh fringe rejects calls to cancel Amanda Knox comedy
–– They’re hoping she kills.
Film posters for The Mummy banned from public display in the UK
–– Scared mummy?
Police Respond to Perez Hilton’s Home After He Appeared to Harm Himself in TikTok Livestream
–– Isn't watching this guy form of self-harm?
Are Chef and Nancy in 'Tony' Based on Real People? How the Characters in Tony Compare to the People in Anthony Bourdain’s Life
–– Or cooked up by screenwriter for potboiler.
Director Matt Johnson Didn’t Understand the Anthony Bourdain Hype When He Signed on for A24’s ‘Tony’
–– Suicide the new Humanitarian of the Year award.
Antonio Banderas opens up about where he and ex-wife Melanie Griffith stand 11 years after divorce
–– Many, many miles apart.
Stephen Baldwin Says He Could’ve Been a ‘Big Star,’ Left Showbiz for Religion: Jesus ‘Fascinated Me’
–– ‘He had this wand toy like my cat loves in the shape of a cross.’
What Is It Like to Portray Nazi Heinrich Himmler? Martin Müller Shares His Experience on 'I Is Another'
–– Campy?
Phil Collins Says the Lyrics to His Biggest ’80s Hit Were ’80 Percent Improvised’
–– And 100% embarrassing.
Why Queen Elizabeth “Felt Sorry for” Marilyn Monroe When They Met in 1956
–– Knew she's never have Liz' sex appeal.
Uefa threatens Gianni Infantino and Joshua Kushner with legal action
–– Wherever there's korruption there's a Kushner klose by.
Burnham says it is ‘insane’ that UK has not hosted World Cup since 1966
–– Infantino, ‘No, but it’s-a crazy you no-a bribe-a me since I been here.’
‘Disciplined’ David Stearns betting patience will pay off for Mets long-term
–– Boy genius should be disciplined for destroying team.
Finally, Mrs. Met gets her due as newest member of Mascot Hall of Fame
–– Located in Arizona under assumed name in witness protection program.
Pete Crow-Armstrong jokes Babe Ruth didn't exist. Why the footage is gone
–– Displays Ruthless stupidity.
She Escaped Teen Marriage in Appalachia. Her Time at Harvard Was Even Worse.
–– Meet Ms. JD Vance!
Didn't Have Sex For Almost A Decade. I Was Surprised By What I Discovered When I Finally Did.
–– My G-spot!
He glued $97 in pennies to his floor. Days later, the result was stunning
–– 3 empty piggy banks!
I missed my flight because of a cup of coffee. How did this happen?
–– You’re hapless idiot?
Plan to limit 'vertical drinking' decried by pub landlords and UK politicians
–– And cot makers.
Boeing’s smallest 737 Max wins approval after years of delay tied to crashes
–– Trump Administration ready to give them another chance to top record 5,779 fatalities.
Pentagon releases new batch of UFO files: "Did you see that?"
–– Unidentifiable smudge moving like Pac-Man?
The One Thing Cheesecake Factory Employees Avoid Telling Customers
–– ‘Only losers like this place.’
Pirates Used This Old-School Cooking Method To Prepare Their Food
–– With wooden plank?
This Small Bird Was Once A Dinner Staple, But Is Now Illegal To Eat In The US
–– Robin folks of good vittles.
Lindsay Clancy was ‘calm and cooperative’ days after killing her 3 children, psychiatrist says
–– Without certain annoying distractions.
California woman who admitted to stabbing wife had also killed husband
–– Swung knife both ways.
Notorious Feral Cat That Feasted on Rare New Zealand Ducks Captured After Three-Year Hunt
–– Who quacked case?
We both heard a faint knock. We looked at each other, opened the door and glanced down.”
–– Both our flies were undone!
Dolphin Carries Dead Calf in What Experts Call Grieving
–– What dolphins call ‘eh-eh-eh-ehhh, ehh-eh-eh-ehh, eh ehhh.’
Its legs are as thick as wrists and it's able to rip monkeys from branches with its deadly talons: Meet the world's most powerful bird
–– Limp wrists, but still…
“She may eat parts of her own arms to essentially accelerate her own demise.” 8 females with the wort, most horrible lives ever – including one that has a male fused to her permanently…
–– Like Milly Bobby Brown?
Seagulls are the thieves of the skies. Here's how to stop them stealing your food
–– Arm octopi.
It looks like a big earthworm – but this is no ordinary worm. It has teeth, tentacles, a pseudo penis – and can pop its own eyes out of its head
–– Actually dead ringer for Stephen Miller.
When a pride of lions went down to the waterhole, they bumped into a hippo. Here's what happened next
–– Hold for David Attenborough’s worst joke ever.
Scientists Cloned a Mouse for 58 Generations. The Results Were Catastrophic.
–– Researchers all ended up in loony bin.
Only two complete dodo skulls are known to exist. Scientists just looked inside them – and discovered this
–– Doo-doo.
Prehistoric aurochs are back from extinction and spreading across Europe. And they could be heading to the UK sometime soon…
–– Will auroch your world.
Wandering womanisers? These charismatic bards took the medieval world (and its women) by storm
–– No holes barred?
First a Volcanic Eruption, Now a Crustacean Invasion? See the Giant Lobsters Taking Over the Ancient City of Pompeii
–– Not for lava of art.
At least 12 states face cyberattacks on their water systems, sources say
–– In show of faucet.
Lake Mead, nation's largest reservoir, reaches its lowest water level on record
–– Air dried Mead.
Puerto Rico to begin water rationing amid shortages and record drought in San Juan
–– Aguanizing decisions.
Joan Blackman, Elvis' Love Interest in 'Blue Hawaii' and 'Kid Galahad,' Dies at 87
–– Of course he borrowed from Blackman without crediting.
Jimmy Cricket, comedian known for his ‘And there’s more!’ catchphrase, dies aged 80
–– There ain’t.
