Fourth and Wrong
Week of 07/03/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Nearly Half of Americans Don’t Even Know What America 250 Celebrates, Poll Finds
–– Most pretty hazy on how to even breathe.
Trump’s Huge Windfall Has Few Known Global Precedents
–– In post-Pharaonic Era.
People Think Trump Hallucinated Teddy Roosevelt. The Truth Is Weirder.
–– In multiverse Teddy hallucinated Trump, but is unable to unimagine.
Does Trump Worry About Conflicts of Interest? ‘I Found Out That Nobody Cared.’
–– 'Within earshot of me.'
Trump’s real-estate licensing income in foreign countries nearly doubled –– and now features Qatar and Romania
–– Castle Dracula will fit nicely in portfolio.
‘Exactly What Warsh Is Afraid Of’—Bitcoin’s Fed Nightmare Is Suddenly Coming True
–– Warsh out!
Iran’s leader was killed in February. The country will finally bury him.
–– You thought he stunk before!
It’s Day 1 of the Supreme Leader’s Funeral, and Allies Gather in Iran
–– You can celebrate at Trump’s green Refluxing Pool in DC on 4th.
Iran prepares for dayslong funeral for late Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, killed in war
–– Capital may miss round-the-clock bombing.
U.S. Officials Believed Israel Was Plotting to Kill Iranian Negotiators
–– To promote pieces negotiations.
Trump’s U-Turn on Iran Sanctions Would Unravel Decades of Curbs
–– Kicked to curb.
Qatar says indirect US-Iran talks have made ‘positive progress’
–– Hallelujah!
US says it has agreed to 'stand down' after exchange of strikes with Iran
–– Offers to bend over, lower trousers, whistle Dixie.
John Roberts fought for decades to overturn Humphrey’s Executor
–– A rape’s progress.
Supreme Court lifts Watergate-era caps on campaign spending
–– Finds really tiny minds beneath.
US Supreme Court won't revive lawyer Alan Dershowitz's case against CNN
–– How about blanket do-not-revive order for Dershowitz himself.
Supreme Court Allows Reporter to Be Fined for Failing to Disclose Source
–– Places First Amendment on toilet roll.
Johnson: Blocking House agenda over SAVE America Act is ‘self-defeating’
–– More ‘self-fellating.’
Speaker Johnson sends bipartisan housing bill to White House — but Trump says it’s a ‘yawn’
–– His comment ‘technicolor yawn.’
White House commission brushes off First Amendment, eyes ‘bridge’ between church and state
–– With permanent Trump troll beneath.
Trump presidency reignites its founding debate - how much power is too much?
–– In hands of mental defective.
Sen. Thom Tillis rails against Trump's fixation on voting legislation
–– If Dems win both Houses Trump will be impeached, imprisoned –– kinda understandable.
Trump made more than a billion dollars from cryptocurrency ventures in first year back in office
–– Hallmark of crypto-presidency.
Trump must pay E. Jean Carroll $5 million after Supreme Court denies his appeal of sexual abuse verdict
–– For billionaire? Trump change.
Trump declares National Scallops Day while ripping Obama, Biden
–– What you’d expect from shell of a man.
Former Trump adviser Jason Miller eyed to join White House in midterms shake-up
–– Stephen Miller's brother from another motherfucker.
John Fetterman answers Larry David's attack on Trump's White House UFC event with a classic movie one-liner
–– What goofball would quote Warren Oates from Stripes?
Trump's 'Freedom Trucks' celebrate US 250th anniversary with 'gift from God' message
–– And theft from taxpayers.
Trump-backed organizer of America’s 250th birthday events may have duped donors, report from House Democrats alleges
–– Had intern legally change name to America250, bank contributions, distribute to Trump Org.
Trump wins court reprieve from restoring slavery, climate park exhibits
–– Set to place Black lawn jockey on East Lawn.
Annual Capitol concert to go forward Friday, despite heat, but gates open later
–– Patti LaBelle, Alan Jackson, Chicago, Kool & the Gang. What heat?
Is the Great American State Fair 'packed'?
–– Like Bessent’s fanny!
Yellow substance seen oozing out of Trump’s ‘Temu’ arch at the Great American State Fair
–– Signature feature of full-scale model.
Trump Concert Humiliated by Last Minute Vanilla Ice Cancellation
–– Meltdown?
Trump: Reflecting Pool will be drained after July 4; algae ‘criminally made’
–– Sure, felon hired felon for job.
MAGA Man Arrested For Masturbating At Trump's America 250 Spectacle
–– Into Reflecting Pool? There’s your culprit.
Former Olympian indicted after arrest over alleged Reflecting Pool vandalism
–– Hercules denies all charges.
Trump returns to Mount Rushmore after years of hinting he belongs there
–– Ever see stone weep?
Trump voters say costs are crushing their wallets — but look past president for blame
–– This is Fox News acknowledging viewers are dupes.
Trump, 80, Spotted on Rainy Day Outing With Blonde Aide, 34
–– See photo if in need of emetic.
Bannon: 'Nobody believes' Patel crime statistics
–– Even man who believes Trump is “one of the most courageous individuals I’ve ever seen” and “greatest public speaker since William Jennings Bryan.”
Sen. Bill Cassidy on Trump: 'Sometimes he acts as if Congress is merely an appendage'
–– From ‘appendage’ who voted in support of Trump 76% of time.
Mamdani does not support changing Constitution to allow him to run for president
–– Democrats will have to figure out other way to lose.
Deleted tweets on Darializa Avila Chevalier’s account had favorable references to communist leaders and Marxism
–– Finds self in Progressive soup.
Leavitt: Midterms a choice ‘between communism and common sense’
–– Really between communism and late-stage malignant capitalism.
NYC rent board dissenter warns Mamdani-backed freeze could hurt affordable housing over time: 'Slow burn'
–– 'On realtors' off-shore bank accounts.'
After mysterious four-month absence, GOP congressman plans grand return
–– Welcome Rep. Thomasina Kean (R)!
Man with Tibetan flag dies after setting himself on fire in front of UN’s New York headquarters
–– In fiery Throwback Thursday.
Putin admits no agreement was reached with Trump to end Ukraine war
–– Trump insists war actually ended in Anchorage.
Bloodier than Stalingrad: Number of casualties in Russia’s war on Ukraine reaches 2 million
–– Student Putin proud Stalin grad.
Meet 3 members of Albania's 'Flamingo Revolution' trying to torpedo a Kushner-linked development
–– On one leg!
Turkish comedian sent to jail to await trial on charges of insulting Erdogan
–– Steven Cheung spontaneously pops Roman candle.
UN issues 'red alert' over 'catastrophe' in Sudan's El-Obeid
–– Marco Rubio's sparkler spontaneously fizzles ot.
Marwan Barghouti to bid for Palestinian presidency from Israeli prison, report says
–– Every campaign button handmade!
What is behind South Africa's anti-immigrant protests?
–– Racism never sleeps.
OpenAI in talks to give Trump administration a 5% stake in the company, FT reports
–– To add some totally artificial intelligence.
At the Kennedy Center, a prize for Bill Maher — and a lot of Trump jokes
–– In Twain weck.
Trump Roasted for ‘Ridiculous’ Tarp at Kennedy Center Event
–– Mulling one for WH when bagmen visit.
The Onion launches InfoWars with new shows, Sandy Hook pledge
–– Just to get in Guinness Book of World Records for Most Elaborate Bad Joke?
How Sesame Street tackles issues like homelessness, addiction and military deployment
–– Furrily.
Mel Brooks turns 100: His 5 essential movies (and where to find them)
–– Essential? That's scavenger hunt that'll take you to century mark.
Tom Hardy Returning for ‘MobLand’ Season 3 Following Spat With Producers
–– Proving fellow actors Hardy souls.
Willy Wonka Competition Show at Netflix Uses AI to Re-Create Gene Wilder’s Voice
–– Willy wonky.
Tinto Brass Soft-Core Classic ‘Deadly Sweet’ to Pre-Open Venice Film Fest
–– Like velcro fly.
‘Chicago PD’ Star LaRoyce Hawkins to Exit Series in Season 14
–– Stop the presses!
Mel Gibson’s ‘Passion of the Christ’ Returning to Theaters With ‘Resurrection of the Christ’ Sneak Peek
–– “SPOILER ALERT!’
Jennifer Lopez Says Oscar Winner ‘Nomadland’ Is Her ‘Worst Type of Film’ Because It’s a ‘Slow-Moving Thing About Grief and There’s No Escapism’
–– More like Sobadland!
Armie Hammer’s ‘Citizen Vigilante’ Secures Worldwide Distribution Following Dramatic Elon Musk Intervention
–– Scum’s to the rescue.
The Most Troubling Part Of Jonathan Majors' Role In That MAGA-Coded Movie
–– A flat Majors?
Jodie Foster Describes ‘F1’ as a Movie “Made by AI” at Aspen Ideas Fest: “I Don’t Say This Disparagingly”
–– We know, we’ve seen scripts of some of your movies.
Renny Harlin Recalls Clashing With Val Kilmer on ‘Mindhunters’ Over Pair of Eyeglasses
–– Made spectacles of self.
OxiClean’s Billy Mays Suddenly Died at Age 50. Here's What Happened in His Final Days
–– Wiped out.
Ready for it? Guests are arriving at MSG for Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s big party
–– A Swift Travisty?
–– Just TNT?
Where Is Don King Now? All About the Promoter's Life After Working with Michael Jackson
–– You'd want him in your corner… of Hell.
Bad Bunny's label gifted concert tickets to Sonia Sotomayor
–– Y?
Lil Wayne Apologizes After Failing to Appear at His Own Concert: ‘I’m So Sorry’
–– Due to Wayne out?
The Kinks' Ray & Dave Davies Stage First Joint Art Exhibition 'The Kinks: Brothers' In London
–– Some Kinks in joint.
Disgraced Singer Gary Glitter Charged With Historic Sex Offenses, Including Alleged Intercourse With a Girl Under 13
–– All that’s Glitter is not gold.
The first Round of 32 in World Cup history is here. There’s a real debate over whether it will be good for the tournament
–– If it ain’t bracket, don’t fix it.
The Caitlin Clark experience isn’t fun anymore — and that’s the WNBA’s biggest problem
–– Like WNBA was ever ‘fun.’
We’re Only Starting to Grasp the Pitfalls of Using A.I. at Work
–– ChatGPT wouldn’t explain to us.
Ford rehires ‘gray beard’ engineers after AI falls short
–– Unshaved changes?
This Cell Feeds, Grows and Reproduces. And It’s Manmade.
–– And votes Republican.
Does criticism hit you harder than it should? You might have RSD
–– How dare you say that about us!
Most people are thinking about aging all wrong
–– Even we’re considering making mess of it.
Why America is obsessed with a grandpa in high-waisted pants who is building sidewalks
–– America is mentally grandpa in diapers.
Neuroscience Just Discovered This Unexpected Hobby Slows Brain Aging
–– Scrapbooking with live snakes.
When Did Bare Nails Become a Status Symbol?
–– Not even a little pedicurious.
I tested this bestselling cooling Columbia dress, and now I can’t survive summer without it
–– How about we take it away to get rid of you?
What your penis is trying to tell you about your health
–– ‘Lemme out, I can’t breath!’
In Thailand’s sex tourism hub, bright lights flash, loud music blares – and underage girls are exploited
–– Sort of Epstein Island for Northern Europeans.
Too hot for a cookout? Heat dome makes some outdoor events unsafe
–– Just set burgers on grill in direct sunlight, save on charcoal.
The World's Largest Hot Dog Chain Sells 20 Million Chili Cheese Dogs Per Year
–– To true gourmets who eat at Weinerschnitzel.
Trader Joe’s Has a Freezer Find That’s a Million Times Better Than McDonald’s Version
–– Only a million?
4 surprising (and evidence-based) health benefits of drinking coffee
–– Unlike BS growers have been selling you for years.
Stanley Tucci Has a Specific Tuna Melt Method, and You Need to Try It
–– He gets all Tucci about it.
Locals fear McDonald's 5am closing plan will put 'extra strain' on police
–– Coppers speeding to get last baked apple pie, coffee.
Pilot checked Into Denver Hotel for Overnight Stay, Then Woke Up to Bats in His Room and a Bite on His Foot: Complaint
–– Was in Vampire Suite.
Eleven killed after plane carrying skydivers crashes in eastern France
–– No one said ‘Saut!’?
I’ve just been inside a Nazi monster’s mansion – and what I found there was deeply haunting
–– How big is Nick Fuentes’ crib?
“After getting the go-ahead, it will drop its act and use its large canines to tear chunks of flesh off its unsuspecting client." Nature's 10 biggest, greatest liars and con artists
–– From who?
“Swollen lesions appear around the mouth, nose, eyes, ears and genitalia with death normally occurring within 10-15 days”
–– So don’t shake hands with JD Vance.
“If a person inadvertently touches this larva's bristles, they can suffer massive internal haemorrhaging, renal failure, haemolysis – and even death"
–– Sounds like a larva minute.
Ice Age Wolf Pulled From Siberian Permafrost. Scientists Are Amazed at What They Found In Its Stomach
–– Ice pop!
Nude inspections, thigh flashers and fights to the death: 15 things you need to know about the Spartans
–– 1) Big on nude thigh flashers' 'sword' fights to death.
Ancient ‘hobbits’ feasted on Komodo dragons’ leftovers
–– With lots of ketchup.
This Ancient Monolith That Archaeologists Unearthed in Mexico May Depict People Receiving ‘Divine Liquid’ in a Ritual
–– In shape of giant bottle of tequila.
6 archaeological discoveries shaping what we know about the Bible
–– 6) Moses' lighter fluid, 5) Samson's toupee, 4) David's slingshot swimsuit, 3) Last Supper's check tray, 2) Jesus's water wings, 1) Joseph's ascot of many colors.
France records around 1,000 additional deaths as extreme heat breaks European records
–– Hit mille stone.
‘Mad Max’ star Kjell Nilsson, known for playing Lord Humungus, dies at 76
–– Goes big.
Khadijah Farrakhan, 'first lady of Nation of Islam' as wife of famous pastor, dies at 90
–– Will Louis sit shiva?
