Pedo Crossing
Week of 09/05/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump Reacts After Epstein Survivors Demand He Stop Calling It a Hoax
–– ‘I wouldn't touch that bunch even if they were underage.’
Iran is poking the bear again
–– Russia? US is eagle, genius.
Top DOJ Official Spills Epstein Cover-Up Plans to Honeytrap
–– In sweet spot for utter incompetence.
DOJ Posts Embarrassing Apology Over Official Caught in Honeypot Trap
–– Stresses she was at least legal.
Jeffrey Epstein victims join lawmakers on Capitol Hill calling on Trump for transparency: 'No leniency, no deals'
–– Male GOP representatives call for see-through blouses.
Jeffrey Epstein Kept an '8x10 Framed Picture' of Donald Trump on His Desk, Survivor Claims: Trump Was 'His Biggest Brag'
–– Imagine other lame-ass scumbags he must’ve known.
Trump Drowns Out Emotional Epstein Victims Rally With Noisy Flyover
–– Way he used white noise to drown out teen screams.
Betrayed Epstein Victim Says She Voted for Trump Because She Trusted Him ‘to Protect Us’
–– As predators do.
Jimmy Kimmel Is Certain Trump Didn’t Have Epstein Killed: ‘He Wouldn’t Be Able to Shut Up About It’
–– And would insist he was better hung.
Center for American Rights Files FCC Complaint Against ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’ for ‘Unlawful Politicking’
–– ‘Center’s’ biggest causes: protecting abusive horse owners, horse’s ass.
America’s job market flashes yet another warning sign about the economy
–– LOSER in big red letters over White House.
Rising electric bills become political problem for Trump, GOP
–– Not in terms of illuminating light bulbs over heads.
Trump to rebrand Defense Department as War Department
–– Anything for impotent men to feel least bit hard.
‘I think it sends a message of victory’: Trump on rebranding of Pentagon to ‘Department of War’
–– Getting into war highest achievement of humankind.
Trump to move U.S. Space Command headquarters from Colorado to Alabama
–– State that screams, ‘THE FUTURE.’
Trump administration use of National Guard in L.A. violated law, judge rules
–– Did he include, 'on purpose?'
Bowser puts D.C. first by cooperating with Trump on public safety
–– Such a selfless act of cowardice.
D.C. attorney general sues Trump, seeks halt to National Guard deployment
–– Yowzer, Bowser!
How Stephen Miller is running Trump’s effort to take over D.C.
–– Like Mussolini, but with less class.
At an ICE career expo, thousands line up to ‘defend the homeland’
–– America's endless supply of proto-thugs raised on FPS games.
Raid at Hyundai factory in Georgia is Trump administration’s largest yet
–– Picked wrong Venue.
RFK Jr. Claims mRNA Vaccines Kill People in Heated Senate Hearing
–– But only in heated Senate hearing.
Medical groups call on US Health Secretary Kennedy to step down
–– Come-down with something.
Health Secretary RFK Jr. lobs insults back after Senators grill him during raucous hearing
–– The worm turns… our stomachs.
VP Vance curses out senators after heated Kennedy hearing: 'Full of s--- and everyone knows it'
–– Vice Proctologist has finger up asses, can feel.
RFK Jr.’s Senate ravings prove he won’t bring sanity back to public health
–– From the New York friggin’ Post!
RFK Jr.'s brother David died on Palm Beach of OD; Caroline said RFK Jr. had drugs all over
–– And his death only mental.
Top tech CEOs flatter Trump around table at White House dinner
–– In latest slang for 'unsuccessfully fluff.'
Trump, 79, Awkwardly Hides Bruised Hands Under the Table During Tech Bro Dinner
–– Tries choking lifeless ‘Don Jr.’
The ‘wonder’ of AI, through Melania Trump’s eyes
–– I, Rowboat.
Humanoid robots were a sci-fi dream. Suddenly they’re everywhere.
–– And a nightmare.
Trump says the video of garbage bags dropped out of a White House window was AI-generated, ironically adding, people ‘blame AI’ to cover up bad things
–– And stuff body parts in garbage bags to do same.
How Trump health conspiracy theories went wild on social media
–– Blame wishful thinking.
Judge rules Trump administration cannot withhold funding from Harvard
–– About to flunk sophomore year in remedial law.
Trump’s BLS nominee discussed controversial theory on gender IQ with interns
–– His low IQ positively nonbinary.
The group behind Project 2025 wants a ‘Manhattan Project’ for more babies
–– As they strive to create world in which any thinking person would reconsider having one.
RFK Jr.’s Aide Crashed Into His Vehicle While Distraught After Her Firing
–– Almost knocked roadkill from roof.
Paul: Gay CDC official’s ‘lifestyle’ disqualified him from government
–– Sort of like Paul’s ‘brainstyle.’
FBI seized folders labelled ‘Trump’ during John Bolton raid
–– Ones with penises doodled on them.
Trump Ordered Military To Blow Up Suspected Drug Boat Instead Of Intercepting It, Rubio Says
–– Wants to reserve prison space for immigrants.
NASA’s acting chief “angry” about talk that China will beat US back to the Moon
–– Sean Duffy snipes, ‘Asian people don’t even like cheese.’
Amy Coney Barrett: Reports of a constitutional crisis have been greatly exaggerated
–– Another misruling.
Justice Amy Coney Barrett defends overturning Roe v. Wade and reveals Supreme Court dynamics in new book
–– Welcome to Looney Park on Coney Island.
Barrett: Supreme Court ‘should not be imposing its own values on the American people
–– No, should be imposing values of white nationalist Christians.
Barron Trump Didn't Show Up to NYU for First Week of Classes as Official Says He's 'Doing a Semester' Elsewhere
–– Being homeschooled in Three Laws of Robotics by mom.
Newsom Outflanks Trump Again In Battle Over Kamala Harris’ Security; POTUS Takes Away Ex-VP’s Secret Service Protection Just Before Book Tour
–– Read it and Veep.
Nadler, Pillar of Democratic Party’s Old Guard, Will Retire Next Year
–– From 'pillar' to post.
Schiff responds to ProPublica report on Trump cabinet mortgages: ‘Staggering’ hypocrisy
–– You mean of guy convicted of falsifying business records?
Kaine sparks backlash after calling Declaration of Independence's God-given rights ‘extremely troubling’
–– Where besides your echo chamber, Fox?
Giuliani Released From Hospital After Car Crash
–– Offender bender.
Trump says he will award Rudy Giuliani the Presidential Medal of Freedom
–– A bigger wreck.
Twist revealed as Rudy Giuliani breaks silence on car wreck over domestic violence ‘victim’ he says flagged him down
–– Magnum of Chianti ‘IV’ in arm might have led to confused account.
Mace leaves meeting with Epstein victims visibly upset
–– Claims she mighta, coulda been one herself.
GOP Senator Draws Outrage After Speech on Who America “Belongs To”
–– Gimme Schmitt.
Putin Finds a Growing Embrace on the Global Stage
–– Should be rope around murdering neck.
Russia Suspected of Jamming GPS for E.U. Leader’s Plane, Officials Say
–– Blew bury jam.
Putin’s response to Melania Trump should be the last straw
–– How he treats clueless bimbo red line?
Putin ran down Trump’s two-week clock. Time to rattle Russia.
–– Too weak.
Russia is leader in prosthetic limbs thanks to Ukraine war, says Kremlin official
–– While costing them arm, leg.
Tucker Carlson Praises Putin as the ‘Most Effective Leader in My Lifetime’ and Less ‘Evil’ Than Biden: ‘Look It Up’
–– Does Putin have video of him in bed being christened by little boys?
China tries to use Trump turmoil to unite leaders against U.S.-led order
–– Bringing world together like never before.
On WWII anniversary, China seeks to erase U.S. role in victory
–– Say they don't know them from atom.
What happens if Latin America bleeds Chinese tech
–– Stitches?
North Korea wipes traces of Kim Jong Un after Beijing meeting with Putin
–– Can’t fully clean toilet seats.
India’s growing lion population should be cause for celebration, but it’s also a deadly problem
–– What's mane objection?
Israel is committing genocide in Gaza, leading scholars’ association says
–– You really don’t need to be genius.
Stephen A. Smith is ready to talk politics: ‘I will spare no one’
–– ‘My ignorant opinions.’
Dwayne Johnson arrives in Venice with his most vulnerable movie yet
–– Vulnerable to mockery.
Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson shocks with new slimmed-down physique after MMA fighter role in ‘The Smashing Machine’
–– Looks almost human.
Dwayne Johnson Uncontrollably Sobs as ‘The Smashing Machine’ Gets 15-Minute Venice Standing Ovation and Generates Oscar Buzz
–– Guess he’s off testosterone injections.
Will Smith Sets First-Look Film Deal at Paramount
–– Confirming David Ellison’s punchy.
The Bar for Superhero Films Has Been Raised, Sony Pictures CEO Says: ‘You Can’t Make a Bad Movie’
–– ‘Like we did with Kraven, Madame Web, Morbius, etc.’
Aziz Ansari Reflects on 2018 Sexual Misconduct Allegation in Rare Comments: 'I Apologized' to Accuser 'Personally'
–– His people too embarrassed to.
Is the Alleged Smear Campaign Against Blake Lively Tied to Rebel Wilson’s Legal Battle Over ‘The Deb’?
–– Monsieur Poirot?
Sabrina Impacciatore Told Jason Momoa That He Reminds Her of ‘Sex’
–– Mo moaner.
Charlie Sheen Opens Up About Sexual Encounters with Men for the First Time in New Memoir and Documentary: 'So What?'
–– Like he could tell difference half the time.
Charlie Sheen Says Sexual Encounters With Men Started Amid Crack Use: ‘So What? Some of It Was Weird. A Lot of It Was F—ing Fun’
–– Trying to bi way back into industry?
Demi Moore Ditches Her Signature Waist-Long Hair for an Unexpected Chop
–– Pork.
Pink’s summer vacation ended with treatment for an E. coli infection
–– Pink slipped.
Roger Waters Launches Brutally Blunt Attack On The Late Ozzy Osbourne
–– One more prick in the wall.
Oasis Brings Britpop and Bromance to Triumphant New Jersey Stadium Show
–– Only appears so in musical desert.
Cardi B found not liable of assault allegations in civil case
–– Cardi B not guilty.
Millionaire CEO who went viral for snatching hat from boy at tennis match says he made a ‘huge mistake’ after ‘first come, first served’ comment
–– Admitted serve was underhanded.
Spin Magazine Sale Collapses After Buyer Doesn’t Wire the Money
–– Spin out?
A Man Paid Me Thousands Of Dollars For Sex. Most People Would Never Guess Why I Did It.
–– Spoiler in first sentence.
How Do You Spot a ‘Performative’ Male? Look for a Tote Bag.
–– With multiple bottles of lube in it.
Both my parents died. This letter explains how I kept going.
–– Like 100 billion other humans?
What I learned from the dentist about biting off more than I can chew
–– Spit.
The battle for Pepsi’s future has begun
–– Will make Cola wars look like food fight.
Nestlé Dismisses Chief Executive Over Relationship With Subordinate
–– Was it chocolate chippie?
I Asked 4 Chefs To Name the Best Fast Food Chicken Wings, and They All Chose the Same Chain
–– On the toilet tank.
The Real Reason Sprite Tastes Better at McDonald's
–– Than what? Cat urine?
The Allure (and Hubris) of Candles in Restaurant
–– The waxy bitches.
Fallingwater's Roof Is Leaking. Can This $7 Million Renovation Protect Frank Lloyd Wright's Masterpiece?
–– Or just rename Fillingwater.
Horrible Things Are Happening at Antarctic Facilities
–– Yeah, we saw The Thing.
At Least 15 Dead After Lisbon Funicular Derails and Crashes, Officials Say
–– Cable cutting taken to tragic extreme.
Man charged with murder after he and his friend allegedly took turns shooting each other
–– But did win $2 bet.
Cause of Death Revealed for Paranormal Investigator Whose Body Was Found After Touring with 'Possessed' Annabelle Doll
–– Nearly two months ago and not reported now to promote The Conjuring: Last Rites.
Hikers hallucinating on mushrooms rescued by forest rangers
–– Fly them out of park.
Plagued by geese, one city pays for drones and dogs to scare them away
–– Goose for broke.
Fishermen stunned after reeling in shark with never-before-seen mutations: 'We saw an orange glow below the water'
–– ‘And the beast was holding a basketball in its hands!’
“Our hearts stopped": scientists unearth 150-million-year-old animals in Germany. Post-mortem reveals violent thing that killed them
–– Hearts stopping?
Something Weird Happened That We Can’t Really Explain With Existing Physics
–– But you shouldn't use bathroom for awhile.
Florida plans to end vaccine mandates statewide, including for schoolchildren
–– In unique approach to overcrowded schools.
A rare South American bird took a wrong turn towards Florida
–– Which is only way you’d end up in state these days.
People can’t get COVID vaccines as cases surge. Anger is building against Trump
–– He insists more bleach available than at any time with Biden.
Wildfires are fuelling air pollution, UN weather body says
–– This week in ‘you don’t say!’
Hail, lightning may spoil Friday night plans in North Texas. Here’s the latest
–– Them armadillos are not gonna shoot selves.
Graham Greene, Oscar-Nominated ‘Dances with Wolves’ Actor, Dies at 73
–– Dances with worms.
The Turtles co-founder Mark Volman dead at 78 after ‘brief, unexpected illness’
–– Goes with Flo.
Giorgio Armani, Master of the Power Suit, Dies at 91
–– Fitted with open-back model.
