FBI: Most Wanting
Week of 12/13/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Why Trump Soured on F.B.I. Director Christopher Wray
–– Too ‘law and ordery.’
Harris Ally Says Biden Broke a Promise
–– To transform her into viable candidate?
Democrats say FBI Director Wray should have forced Trump to fire him
–– Two-face-to-face.
Trump says members of Jan. 6 committee should be jailed
–– What they should be is visiting him in stir.
Adam Kinzinger Has Defiant 3-Word Response To Donald Trump’s Jail Threat
–– No interest if not 'suck my dick.'
Jan. 6 committee chair says he’d accept preemptive pardon if Biden offers
–– Black man not so cocky.
Charlamagne tha God says Biden shouldn’t issue preemptive pardons to Trump rivals: ‘Makes you look guilty’
–– Do they quote clown because they still can't believe name?
McCabe ‘not surprised at all’ by watchdog report on FBI, Jan. 6 riots
–– We've all moved beyond whatever follows shock.
Bragg says Trump's crimes and 'history of malicious conduct' are too serious for his hush-money case to be dismissed
–– Earns malice in frequent liar program.
Bolton: Senators ‘won’t escape history’s judgment’ if they vote to confirm Patel to FBI
–– How long before they burn history books, erase disks?
Vance, GOP committees ask Supreme Court to strike down coordination limits
–– Lack of coordination astounding.
Trump Tests Ethical Boundaries With Branded Merch. (And All Sales Are Final.)
–– Ethical will be mythical in four years.
Trump says his presidency won't be a failure if he can't lower grocery prices
–– Promises hundreds of other reasons it will.
Jimmy Carter to skip Trump inauguration due to declining health but would go if he could
–– Too weak to throw tomato.
'Ready for it?': Laura Ingraham calls on Taylor Swift to perform at Trump inauguration
–– Abysmally stupid suggestion from you? Yep.
Critics Slam Time's 'Person Of The Year' Award For Donald Trump
–– Everyone in America shocked when they received latest issue in mailbox.
Elon Musk's record $447 billion fortune means he's nearly $200 billion ahead of Jeff Bezos — and worth more than Costco
–– Which seems epitome of fairness.
GOP senator offers curious defense for Pete Hegseth drinking claims: ‘There’s a lot of alcohol that flows through Washington’
–– Not enough to explain dead brain cells on right.
Mitch McConnell, 82, Falls at U.S. Capitol More than a Year After Public Freezing Episodes
–– On ice?
To Show His Health Credentials, Kennedy Ditches His Shirt
–– His worm molts.
Survey: Most voters disapprove of RFK Jr.’s nomination after learning his views
–– And stop laughing.
Warren on RFK Jr. pick: ‘Say goodbye to your smile and say hello to polio’
–– The tooth hurts.
Dr. Mehmet Oz had up to $33 million in companies doing business with agency he'd run
–– Hopes to double that.
Harvard president privately tells faculty university needs to rethink messaging after GOP victory
–– Why? Only 80% of America hates them.
Michigan University diversity officer fired after saying ‘wealthy and privileged’ Jews don’t need help
–– Was that diverse of it?
Kamala Harris' campaign has $1.8 million left in the bank after spending over $1 billion to defeat Donald Trump
–– She defeated him?!
Kamala Harris Shines in Metallic Bodice Dress at 2024 Kennedy Center Honors With Doug Emhoff
–– Campaign now has $1.75 million in bank.
Surprise! Key Witness Reveals He Lied About Biden Corruption
–– Surprise! All Republican committee members bought it.
Biden says it was 'stupid' not to have signed his name on COVID-19 stimulus checks like Trump
–– Stupid times demand stupider tactics.
Manchin: Biden ‘went completely insane on me’ over American Rescue Plan opposition
–– Wanted to sue for Manchin cruelty.
Trump uses photo with Jill Biden to sell his new fragrances: 'Enemies can't resist'
–– Trump comes out smelling fresh as a disease.
Jon Stewart Slams Donald Trump for Releasing Fragrance Ad Featuring Jill Biden: ‘I Find it Hard to Believe I’m Saying This, but It’s Beneath You’
–– Thing beneath him stinks 10x worse.
Kimberly Guilfoyle Out of the Picture as Don Jr. Appears with New Squeeze
–– She always looked squeezed out.
Don Trump Jr. Began Seeing Bettina Anderson 'About 6 Months' Ago, as Kim Guilfoyle 'Looked the Other Way' (Exclusive)
–– His eyes began focusing after cocaine blackout.
Donald Trump Jr. Would Like You to Know He and Kimberly Guilfoyle Will Always Have a ‘Special Bond’
–– Created by Elmer’s glue.
Meta donates $1 million to Trump’s inaugural fund in latest step to mend relationship
–– Thugs will visit Zuck next month for next payoff.
I Was Having Sex With An Old Hookup. Midway Through, I Discovered He Was A Trump Supporter.
–– When he handed me bill.
Missouri introduces ‘Donald Trump’ bill that makes it legal for people with felonies to run for office
–– Addendum to legalize rape while in office.
Judge rejects sale of Infowars to satirical news site the Onion
–– Extending story funnier than Onion ever published.
Secretly recorded videos are backbone of corruption trial for longest-serving legislative leader
–– Spine-tinkling.
Syrian rebel leader’s victory speech holds a message for Iran – and for Trump and Israel too
–– And for Western Union and for Uncle Larry and for…
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and his family are in Moscow under asylum, Russian news agencies say
–– Not in?
Inside Assad's dungeons: Evidence of torture and unspeakable cruelty
–– We ask phone: Syria, what was cruelty?
CNN's Clarissa Ward Stumbles Across Hidden Syrian Prisoner In Unbelievable Scene
–– He did stick leg out.
With Assad’s Fall, Iran’s ‘Axis of Resistance’ Unravels
–– Denied Axis?
Assad’s fall was swift and unexpected. But the signs were always there
–– We just didn’t feel like telling you about ‘em.
What next for Assad and his family?
–– Considering killing health insurance execs to improve image.
Trump pressure pushed Hamas to relent during Gaza ceasefire and hostage talks, U.S. official says
–– On condition it makes Trump look good so he won't persecute me.
Last bone surgeon in northern Gaza killed, Palestinians say
–– Saw loser.
Russian missile scientist ‘assassinated by Ukrainian special forces’
–– Lunch aborted.
Belarus has dozens of Russian nuclear weapons and is ready for its newest missile, its leader says
–– As Lukashenko bends over in front of Putin.
From farmer to premier: who is François Bayrou, the new French prime minister?
–– Macrony?
French first lady helps keep Trump, Bidens apart at Notre Dame
–– Sat gargoyle between them.
Trump mocks Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as the 'governor' of the 'Great State of Canada'
–– Trudat?
A major cocaine transit country is halting U.S. antidrug cooperation
–– As they’ll very excitedly tell you while rubbing nose.
Even After ‘Kraven the Hunter’ and ‘Madame Web,’ Sony’s Marvel Movies Aren’t Dead (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Even worse –– undead like Morbius.
Jessica Chastain Reflects on How Acting Changed Her Life, as “First in My Family to Not Get Pregnant as a Teenager”
–– That includes father, brothers!
Lana Del Rey Credits Jack Antonoff for Her Marriage to Jeremy Dufrene: His Love For Margaret Qualley Is ‘A Big Reason’ Why She Waited to Tie the Knot
–– Qualleyfied success.
It’s Official: Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour Is History’s First $2 Billion Tour
–– Taste officially dead.
Goldie Hawn Recalls Daughter Kate Hudson Asking Her 'Mommy, Is God My Cousin' at Age 6: 'I Didn't Know What to Say'
–– Hard to call little girl ‘stupid.’
‘Dexter: Original Sin’ Is Guilty of Beating a Dead Horse: TV Review
–– Animal cruelty? Now he's gone too far!
Ted Danson Thought ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ ‘Sucked’ and Offered to Play Himself Because He ‘Felt Sorry’ for Larry David — Then It ‘Changed My Life’
–– Danson with woofs.
Conan O'Brien Parents, Who Were Married for 66 Years, Die 3 Days Apart from One Another
–– Thoughtfully saving rich son on funeral expenses.
Elton John Says Legalizing Marijuana in America and Canada Is “One of the Greatest Mistakes of All Time”
–– High on list?
Keith Urban recalls fan throwing her prosthetic leg on stage for autograph: 'This leg landed with a thud'
–– Real knee-slapper.
Guy Pearce Says He Never Acted in Chris Nolan Films After 'Memento' Because a Warner Bros. Exec Disliked His Acting and Said: 'I'm Never Going to Employ' You
–– And now that he’s switched to Universal?
Megan Fox Was ‘Blindsided’ by Machine Gun Kelly Breakup
–– Almost ‘mowed down.’
’Real Housewives’ Star Brandi Glanville Says ‘Parasite That Jumps Around my Face’ is Responsible for Dramatic Change in Appearance
–– In victory dance?
Cardi B Reveals She Spends 'About $3 Million' a Month and Was Recently Offered a $65 Million Tour Contract
–– Will we still have to read her nonsense when she’s broke in year?
"His ear was very crusty." Flaming Lips frontman Wayne Coyne on meeting Paul McCartney for the first time
–– Was he 64?
Trump reports King Charles is ‘fighting very hard’ against cancer
–– Noted oinkologist.
Juan Soto reportedly breaks Shohei Ohtani's record with monster $765M deal with Mets
–– More than Mets expectations.
Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen makes NFL history in thrilling loss to Los Angeles Rams
–– History like Custer?
WNBA owner says league, not Caitlin Clark, should have been TIME magazine Athlete of Year
–– Clark bah?
Where Beards Grow, Strong Feelings Follow
–– Like intense itchiness.
How A.I. Can Revive a Love of Learning
–– In machines.
It Wasn’t You. It Was Your Parents.
–– Nah, JK, was totally you.
How Can I Show My Boyfriend My Parents’ Filthy Home?
–– Unlock front door?
FDA may outlaw food dyes ‘within weeks’: Bombshell move would affect candy, soda and cakes, revolutionize American diets
–– Or dye its?
Fentanyl may enter the US from Mexico, but the drug of choice there is different
–– Cristal clear.
Albertsons calls off merger and sues Kroger
–– Gets green grosser.
One of Japan’s Great Sushi Masters Is Working, Quietly, in Manhattan
–– Raw dogging it.
Cracker Barrel Sparks Outrage After Refusing to Serve Group of Students with Special Needs
–– Like for food that doesn’t taste like macerated styrofoam.
Here's Why Everyone Eats Cabbage On New Year's
–– So they can toot Auld Lang Syne.
New Jersey Mystery Drones Caught on Video by Journalists From Fox News and More: ‘The Size of a School Bus!’
–– ‘At an overflowing Trump rally!’
Daniel Penny Is Acquitted in Death of Jordan Neely on Subway
–– Penny flips.
Jay-Z Named With Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs in Sexual Assault Lawsuit; Jay-Z Calls Claims ‘Idiotic’ in Fiery Response
–– Diddy or didn't he?
Pregnant Gypsy Rose Blanchard Details Shooting Mom With BB Gun In Book
–– Dee Dee BB?
Internet sleuths investigate killing of health care CEO
–– It's great that concerned netizens…
Why top internet sleuths say they won't help find the UnitedHealthcare CEO killer
–– … support cold-blooded murder.
Suspect Is Charged in C.E.O.’s Murder After Arrest in Pennsylvania
–– Superseized at McDonald's.
Who is Luigi Mangione? Suspect arrested in UnitedHealthcare CEO killing.
–– Another deluded punk.
People who knew Luigi Mangione describe him as 'thoughtful,' 'well-adjusted' young man who struggled with back pain
–– Shooting sensation in other person’s back typical symptom.
Luigi Mangione suffered from spondylolisthesis, a back condition. Experts say it can cause 'massive' pain.
–– Wasn’t enough.
UnitedHealthcare Shooting Suspect’s Capture Draws Boos From ‘Daily Show’ Audience
–– Mental health condition no insurance could cover.
NY police force strip searched nearly everyone it arrested, DOJ says
–– Except that sweaty fat guy with skin condition.
Report finds police in Massachusetts city let officers engage in sex with suspected prostitutes
–– Just trying to prove guilt?
Woman behind infamous Duke lacrosse rape accusations admits she lied
–– Put up Duke's.
Is it time to finally ban glue traps in the U.S.?
–– And classify mouse droppings as nutritional supplement?
Scores killed as Haiti gang leader reportedly orders massacre of elderly
–– Over 100 he believed might have sickened his child with witchcraft. You write joke.
Rats, pigeons and water buffaloes massacred in world’s largest animal sacrifice
–– Over 200,000 in Hindu Gadhimai festival named after goddess who temple’s founder dreamt mandated slaughter 250 years ago. Again, your serve.
Is my dog 'old'? Vets finally have the answers
–– After he relieved self on their feet.
Don’t forget to fill your pet’s stocking: 4 holiday gift ideas for cats and dogs
–– The way they filled your shoe.
Does your pet need a Santa hat? Shop festive pet outfits at Chewy
–– Then you need dunce cap.
From pendulous noses to pseudo-penises, 10 of the weirdest animal parts
–– 10) pseudo-noses, 9) pendulous penises, 8) pseudo-penises attached to pendulous noses, 7) third eyes blind, 6) lactating knees, 5) navels with teeth, 4) removable butt cheeks, 3) combination baby pouch/ fryer, 2) edible tails, 1) Clyde.
Meet 10 deadly prehistoric birds,including one that could swallow human babies and a 1.5m-tall penguin
–– In mammoth-skin tux!
A ‘cold moon’ is about to rise. Here’s how to see it.
–– Um, uh, look up?
Michael Cole, Actor on ‘The Mod Squad,’ Dies at 84
–– Raked over Cole.
