Thick Ass Thieves
Week of 07/10/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Bessent on Trump's crypto earnings: "I don't think there's an appearance problem"
–– No, it’s theft in HD.
A Zombie Congress Is Threatening Trump’s Agenda
–– Zombies he created.
Nearly 1 Million TRUMP Meme Coin Buyers Lost $3.81 Billion: Is the Cycle Complete?
–– Or just disappointing –– we were hoping for $10B.
Trump Made 327 Stock Purchases the Day Before He Announced ‘This Is a Great Time To Buy’ and Paused Tariffs
–– This week in 'Coinkydinks.'
Trump’s Iran envoys face scrutiny as diplomacy stalls
–– Diplomacy takes one look at Kushner, Witkoff, freezes.
Trump says U.S. and Iran will keep talking but declares ceasefire ‘OVER!’
–– Can they hear each other over expensive explosions?
The Fight Over Hormuz Boils Down to One Poorly Worded Clause in Trump’s Deal
–– Yes, Virginia, there is an insanity clause.
Hegseth pushes for action after sailors appear to flout his beard policy
–– Prefers clean cut kid.
After Epic Fury: Replenishing America’s arsenal won’t be easy
–– Like finding less stupid names for failed military missions.
What we know about Iran's apparent plot to assassinate President Trump
–– Woefully inadequate?
The Shockingly Lazy Schedule of Trump, 80, Exposed by Daily Beast Analysis
–– He has aides to put feet on desk, twiddle thumbs.
Bubba Bites Back: Bill Clinton Rips Trump In America 250 Message; “Their New Deal Is Socialism For The Super-Rich”
–– Solver-lined basket of deplorables.
Detainees tell their lawyer an ICE officer shot a Houston driver through a passenger window
–– Trying to save tax payers detention, deportation costs?
In shift, Trump praises Zelensky, will let Ukraine build Patriot missiles
–– Or Yo-yo yo-yos.
Trump orders halt to US trade with Spain over NATO spending, Iran
–– Or barks at lapdog Bessent who yips back, but will ultimately heel.
Spain says Trump softened rhetoric after learning of Madrid's contributions to NATO
–– Si, no evil?
Nato leaders surprised by Turkish president’s gift of guns after summit
–– Without trigger warnings.
Secret Service advised Trump to not fly Qatari-gifted Air Force One
–– Due to possible risk of attack, suggested Vance board with entire press corps.
White House says Trump's Air Force One switch was a 'misdirection'
–– Descriptor for entire second term.
Trump tells reporter she’ll be killed if Iran strikes Air Force One: ‘If I go, you go’
–– ‘Yes, Mr. President, but you’re 80 and despised around the globe.’
Trump’s July 4 crowd size keeps growing as president baselessly claims 422,000 were there to hear him speak
–– Place so empty he was hearing echoes of applause.
Melania Trump Displayed ‘No Genuine Joy’ Beside Donald Trump at July 4 Celebration – Expert
–– But only because lightning didn’t strike husband during speech.
Trump kicks off Fourth of July weekend with symbolic salute to America’s legacy
–– By breaking wind in general direction of Washington Monument.
D.C. Issues Code Red Air Alert After Trump’s July 4 Fireworks Show
–– See above.
Trump bragged about his July 4 celebrations in DC but one guest was noticeably absent – Barron
–– Grown-up Damian too busy mentally hurling elocution tutor to death.
’A total disappointment’: revelers face unbearable heat at Great American State Fair
–– Not from any performers, displays.
Video Shows Large Chunk of Stage Falling Off and Nearly Hitting Performers at Trump's State Fair
–– Ironically during number praising Trump's sky-high poll numbers.
Insiders Warned of State Fair Disaster Before It Happened
–– You didn't need to be Cameron McKintosh to know it was flop.
MAGA stalwart claims someone with Trump Derangement Syndrome ‘geoengineered’ DC heatwave
–– Has heatstroke of genius.
What is Patriot Front? Men wearing symbols of White supremacist group gather in DC
–– Elephant’s backside.
What to Know About the Giant ’86 47′ That Appeared on National Mall Grass
–– Even worms want Trump gone.
Crews Are Draining The Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool Again In More Trouble For Trump Revamp
–– Has more fluid retention issues than Trump's cankles.
George Washington helped forge the nation. Photos show how his spirit endures.
–– Some great selfies at Valley Forge.
As America Celebrates 250th Anniversary, the Number One Book in the Country Details Donald Trump’s ‘Vengeful’ Presidency
–– Proving adage 'revenge is a dish best served old.'
Trump reflects on his weight and JFK’s looks as he goes off script on Usha Vance’s podcast
–– From Camelot to Cramalot.
Trump Says He Doesn’t Read For Fun: ‘Usually Read Stories About Myself’
–– Or summaries of praise Natalie Hart scrawls on diapers in lipstick.
White House Rages After Embarrassing Walmart Trump Story Exposed
–– Typical rotten beef.
Trump ruthlessly mocked for fake ‘library’ books on his new Qatar-gifted Air Force One
–– Don’t all read ‘ME’ on spine?
Opinion - Three changes that could restore the Supreme Court’s independence
–– 25th Amendment, impeachment and…?
White House report accuses Smithsonian museum of ‘extreme political activism’
–– Dubs Director Queen Antifa.
Seven Trump State Fair Attendees Required Advanced Life Support Amid Scorching Heat: Report
–– Little late for those already brain dead.
Why is everyone saying they talked to Mitch McConnell for 20 minutes?
–– Took him that long to say ‘hello.’
For Mitch McConnell and Congress, health transparency is a choice, not a requirement
–– Covered up as effectively as hospital gown.
Sweeping housing affordability bill becomes law, despite Trump’s delay. Here’s what it actually means for the housing market
–– So not 'affordability'?
Platner says he is ‘taking the time to reflect’ on his candidacy
–– Hope he took dramamine.
Graham Platner ex reveals reach-out before campaign, says he was trying to 'take my temperature'
–– With meat thermometer.
The problem with ‘Tax the rich!’
–– Jeff Bezos owns this paper.
–– Which Kennedy regularly has at tip of tongue.
Trump renews feud with Italy PM Giorgia Meloni by suggesting she’s stalking him in latest social media post
–– Was she seen carrying elephant gun?
Apple sues OpenAI, alleging the AI company stole trade secrets
–– Not the Apple of AI?
Adam Sandler Officiated Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s Wedding
–– Providing solemnity it deserved.
AMC Theaters CEO Lets Slip Details of Taylor Swift’s Wedding Before Deleting Post
–– Needs to be charged with treason.
Lena Dunham Reportedly Made Gasp-Worthy Football Joke at Swift-Kelce Wedding Celebration: “Straight Guys Reenacting Gay Porn”
–– Only because she's never had tight end.
Christopher Nolan Says 'Odyssey' Backlash Over Casting and More Is 'Irrelevant' and He's Learned Not to Worry: 'Remember, I Spent 10 Years Dealing With Batman'
–– Is that other one by Homer?
Tilly Norwood to Lead New Movie ‘Misaligned,’ Marking Feature Debut for AI ‘Actor’
–– Sure to be ‘maligned.’
Candice Bergen Shares Rare Personal Memory of Volatile Film Icon Steve McQueen, Who Would ‘Beat up’ Men for Fun
–– Thomas crowned affair.
Dustin Hoffman Talks “Divided America” and How He Got ‘The Graduate’ Role: “It Was an Accident”
–– Hoff and hoff?
Anthony Hopkins, 88, announces surprising new career change after legendary acting career
–– Going to hit Lecter circuit?
Robin Byrd Ended Up Sleeping with a Guest on Her Public Access Film – with Her Husband Watching and Filming
–– Ah, porn yesterday!
The Legend of Cynthia Plaster Caster
–– After her they broke the mold.
Prince Harry's war with UK press is over, and he's lost
–– They rolled a Spare.
Donald Trump thanks FIFA for reversing 'great injustice' on Folarin Balogun ban
–– USMST thanks Trump for jinxing game.
Belgium Had Two Words for Donald Trump After Beating the US
–– 'Overturn this'
Is there a Trump sports curse? USMNT's World Cup flameout revives the theory
–– Sports? How about every frickin’ thing he touches?
Why Norway’s team shipped 660 pounds of salmon and trout to the World Cup
–– For salmon in dill sauce victory dinner or to fish slap opponents in defeat.
IOC lifts ban on Russian Olympic Committee, clearing path for athletes’ return to Games
–– Were waiting until Putin hit 2 million casualties.
Completely nuts: Dutch gallery covers floor in peanut butter to honour late artist
–– Invite visitors to get into jam.
This Board Book Genius Is One of America’s Great Authors
–– Whatever you say, NY Times.
If You Know These Sayings, You Definitely Grew Up In The South
–– Lots of stuff with n-word.
She kept waking up “unable to breathe,” than she looked under the bed
–– And found her lungs!
This syndrome linked to heavy cannabis use is often misdiagnosed
–– Because doctors so f**ked up.
Why gout is on the rise, and who’s surprising at risk
–– Greatest of Ugh Time.
’Explosive’ diarrhea illness reported across US. See map of affected states
–– Perfect for Trumpy July 4th festivities.
An outbreak of diarrhea caused by a parasite has hit at least 1,400 people. Here’s how to stay safe
–– Don’t walk behind them.
Why Do You Get Thick Toenails?
–– Sprinkled on ice cream.
Atlantic Beach Pie Is the Ultimate Summertime Pie
–– Sounds like euphemism for dump under boardwalk.
I’m a Therapist. Not Everyone Should Be in Therapy.
–– Especially with me.
A Master Gardener Is Urging You to Prune These 5 Plants in July—Before It’s Too Late
–– 1. Audrey.
Meet the Wagyu Hot Dog That Tastes Like a Ribeye
–– Do we say Konnichiwa?
Panda Express Is Bringing Back the ‘Best Thing on the Menu,’ According to Fans
–– Pantone red.
This Southern Chicken Chain's Tenders Have Become Unexpectedly Controversial
–– Getting chirpy about race, gender.
S.F.’s most see-and-be-seen restaurant is back from the dead. Does the food even matter?
–– Covered in maggots?
59-year-old sandwich chain shuts down, lays off workers
–– Who wants 59-year-old sandwich?
Say Goodbye To Squirrels, Rabbits, And Other Garden Pests With This Cayenne Pepper Trick
–– Just sprinkle on, eat up.
Unstable building on East 42nd Street forces multiple evacuations in Midtown Manhattan
–– Filled with theatre folk!
Student Pilot Forced to Land Plane After Instructor Jumps Out Mid-Flight
–– Thought he could instruct birds in flying.
Counterfeit airbag parts are killing drivers in the U.S. – and the government can’t stop it
–– Because it’s counterfeit, too.
Fellow passengers pull back man partly sucked out of broken window on a flight from Greece
–– Apparently imagined he was dog.
Arizona man pleads guilty after illegally living in forest for years among ‘1,000lbs of trash’
–– ‘1,000lbs of trash’ sues for squatters rights.
Man bit by rattlesnake in California, requires 54 rounds of antivenom
–– Rattlesnake required extensive dental work.
It was a snake, but no ordinary snake. At a staggering 4m long this prehistoric monster was the largest venomous serpent to have ever lived
–– Whoa, teach, dude was like 4 miles long? That’s like 2 football fields, right?
“Swarms attack and dismember anything in their path, piece by piece…” 10 brutal and savage animals that can kill and devour prey twice their size
–– 10. Sabertooth Tapir, 9. Big Mouth Basset Hound, 8.
Can any animals kill a polar bear? 6 contenders that could just be brave enough to take on the deadliest, most powerful bear on the planet
–– If able to pull trigger.
Scientists Just Learned That This Bat Eats Birds Midflight. A Renaissance Painter May Have Known About It Hundreds of Years Ago
–– Before passenger jets?!
The coati who came to tea – and now “waltzes in, eats a pear and falls asleep”
–– Coati ya gonna do?
A tree that can walk? The 'walking tree' that's said to be able to move itself to a sunnier spot
–– And drunk who said it.
When a deep-sea robot ventured down into the Atlantic's Doldrums, it found something massive no one expected – leaving scientists stunned
–– How to try to make story about Doldrums exciting.
“Death sentence’: Trump’s EPA to open habitats of endangered species to logging and mining
–– Burgum’s only regret not being able to finger each beautiful creature’s rotting corpse.
The City of Boston Discovered One of the Oldest Known Gravestones of a Free Black American, Who Shared a Name With the Massachusetts Capital
–– Incredibly, last name Bakedbeans.
Roughly 100,000 Years Ago, This Man Got Stabbed in the Face—and Survived. He's Likely One of the First Known Victims of an Attack by a Sharp Weapon
–– And might have spurred evolution of second nostril.
See Artifacts That Archaeologists Discovered in This 1,600-Year-Old Byzantine Christian Town Buried in an Oasis in Egypt
–– Find website with flight and tour information.
700-year-old ‘Etch A Sketch’ found preserved in a medieval toilet
–– More etch-a-stench.
Donald Iwerks, Disney Camera Technician and Co-Founder of Iwerks Entertainment, Dies at 96
–– Iwerks out.
Margaret Kerry, the Model for Tinker Bell in 'Peter Pan,' Dies at 97
–– Fairy dusted.
’Casino Royale' Actress Joanna Pettet Dies at 83
–– Unfortunately not Daniel Craig version.
Randolph Mantooth, Firefighter-Paramedic Johnny Gage on 'Emergency!,' Dies at 80
–– Mantooth extracted.
Louise Lasser, Star of ‘Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman,’ Dies at 87
–– Lasser come home.
