Signal Corpse
Week of 03/28/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Here Are the Attack Plans That Trump’s Advisers Shared on Signal
–– Who says administration's not transparent?
Elon Musk’s AI Company Acquires X in $45B Deal
–– So he’s schizophrenic, too?
Administration says Signal messages sent to Atlantic editor about attack on Houthis appear to be authentic
–– As real as anything in fantasy WH.
Trump on war plans group chat: ‘It’s just something that can happen’
–– As is everything that’s ever happened.
Jeffrey Goldberg describes moment he realized Trump cabinet group chat about military strikes ‘might be real’
–– When he read Hegseth’s 'I fully share your loathing of European free-loading. It’s PATHETIC.'
“Incompetence is staggering": Trump admin accidentally leaked Yemen war plans to Atlantic editor
–– Nah, it's strutting around with confidence of Hulk Hogan.
House Republican on war plans chat: ‘There’s no doubt that Russia and China saw this stuff’
–– Putin got gold-embossed transcript.
If Pete Hegseth Had Any Honor, He Would Resign
–– Or at lease buy everyone in military a round.
CIA director blows up after Democratic Congressman asks if Pete Hegseth was drinking before Signal leak
–– How dare he! He always gets smashed during incredible f**k-up.
DOJ asks Supreme Court to intervene in deportation flights case
–– If anyone can subvert Constitution…
Mike Waltz Says He’s Never Met Jeffrey Goldberg. Here’s a Photo of Them Together
–– Dead meet.
Trump warns EU and Canada not to team up to resist tariffs—they must take the beating or worse will follow
–– Now King of the World, apparently.
'Gonna Be Some Upset Seniors At Town Halls,' Says Mark Cuban. He Calls DOGE Social Security Actions 'A Back Door Move To Cut Payments'
–– DOGE loves getting in your back door.
Long waits, waves of calls, website crashes: Social Security is breaking down
–– Hope billionaires can get through if check's late.
Why DOGE is struggling to find fraud in Social Security
–– They're fraud.
Tax revenue could drop by 10 percent amid turmoil at IRS
–– Trump speeds national bankruptcy.
Trump administration invoking state secrets privilege over deportation flight information sought by federal judge
–– Cite legal precedent set in 70s-80s Argentina.
Trump signs executive order ending collective bargaining rights for many federal workers
–– Morale decay.
Patel plans major cutback to ATF by moving as many as 1,000 agents to FBI
–– Alcohol, tobacco, firearms = MAGA trinity.
Trump blocked from deporting migrants to countries where they’re not citizens
–– Moves to rename Central and South America Gaol of America.
Alleged top MS-13 member arrested in Virginia was ‘leader for the East Coast,’ AG Bondi says
–– According to something she saw in Netflix doc.
Formula, Fries and Froot Loops: Washington Bends to Kennedy’s ‘MAHA’ Agenda
–– Kennedy all-natural Froot Loop.
Health benefits company co-founded by Dr. Oz could be a conflict of interest
–– Unless he cuts Trump into profits.
Musk says he will finish most of $1 trillion federal cost cuts within weeks
–– Or will unequivocally claim he has.
Multiple bombs found inside Tesla showroom in Texas as threats against Elon Musk continue
–– And not just the shitty vehicles.
‘Something stinks’: Elon Musk, congressional Republicans target Democrats’ main fundraising machine
–– Take off black tee you’ve been wearing for weeks.
Musk announces $1 million for Wisconsin voter in Supreme Court race. Opposition calls it 'corrupt'
–– We call it 'illegal.'
‘Lying And Gaslighting': Elon Musk Torched After Unbelievable Claim About Trump
–– He uses gas to light crack pipe?
Senator Mark Kelly snaps back again after Musk doubles down on ‘traitor’ insult
–– Can you betray traitor?
Nikola founder Trevor Milton says granted full pardon by Trump
–– Trump thought name meant it was part of Tesla.
’Use your power’: Hakeem Jeffries at a crossroads as Democrats urgently search for strategy
–– Superpower seems to be invisibility.
‘This is not your grandmother’s Easter Egg Roll’: White House seeks corporate sponsorships for Easter event
–– Kiddies will hunt eggs, ‘wabbits’ with guns.
Marjorie Taylor Greene battles NPR and PBS leaders in House hearing
–– Wait, wait, don't tell me … she kneed Big Bird in groin?
Greene attacks Ocasio-Cortez: ‘This is a woman that has really no life experience’
–– Yeah, Greene's face looks lived in, by commune of drunken ticks.
Berrnie Sanders’s Anti-oligarchy Tour Is Vindication. But What Is It for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?
–– Photo-op that makes her look like teenager.
Rep. Lauren Boebert employs a new tactic in order to avoid being grilled by constituents at town hall
–– By phoning it in –– literally.
Who Is the Artist Behind the Portrait Trump Hates?
–– And can we personally thank her for using Jiminy Glick as model?
Feds charge Sen. Justin Eichorn, Minnesota lawmaker accused of attempting to pay for sex with minor
–– Ick horny.
Trump on Greenland’s fury over visit: ‘This is friendliness, not provocation’
–– Two words he can barely utter, let alone define.
Trump says he had productive call with Canadian PM Carney
–– Carney barker.
Putin 'lying' to Trump envoy: McMaster
–– And lovin’ it.
Putin says US push for Greenland rooted in history, vows to uphold Russian interest in the Arctic
–– Y’know, like how history justifies murderous invasion of Ukraine.
Airbus chairman sees ‘strong indications’ an emboldened Putin is mobilizing forces to attack NATO’s eastern flank
–– Will take flyer?
Rosie O’Donnell Questions ‘Why’ Donald Trump Won Every Swing State Considering He Is ‘Best Friends’ With a ‘Man Who Owns and Runs the Internet’: ‘I Would Hope That Would Be Investigated’
–– Musk's AI is right on it.
Trump Signs Order To Restore Racist Monuments, Remove 'Anti-America' Ideology
–– Is he refacing Trump Tower?
Trump order targets 'improper ideology' at famed US museums
–– As always, Trump’s very model of propriety.
Chelsea Handler Says She Shared Drugs with 'Everyone' at Oscars Afterparty but Was Not 'Irresponsible About It'
–– Dope sic.
Jimmy Kimmel Was Left Visibly Stunned After Elisabeth Moss Told Him That A “Handmaid’s Tale” Crew Member Asked For The Underwear She Wore During Filming
–– Were they handmade?
Chris Hemsworth reveals why he regrets taking selfie with Billie Eilish: ‘We will never be friends’
–– Came within Eilish of not taking it.
Denzel Washington Corrected An Interviewer Who Described Him As A “Hollywood” Actor, And The Exchange Is Fascinating
–– If self-deluded thespians is your thing.
43 years later, John Carpenter has hinted at who turns into The Thing in the horror movie and one eagle-eyed fan has worked it out
–– Musk, obviously!
Corey Feldman claims Johnny Depp pushed him out of “What's Eating Gilbert Grape” by telling producers he was a junkie
–– Gilbert Grapenuts, maybe.
Matt Damon Looks Jacked in Stunning Transformation for Christopher Nolan's 'The Odyssey'
–– Jack reacher.
Laurence Fishburne Says Francis Ford Coppola Was “Disappointed” by His Lack of “Sexual Experience” as a Teen When Filming ‘Apocalypse Now’
–– Nam nuts.
Seth Rogen Spills on Real-Life Inspirations Behind 'The Studio': “I've Been Yelled at Three Times in the Last Week”
–– “By my supplier for over-ordering.”
Bill Murray Still Regrets Turning Down a Clint Eastwood Movie in the '80s: 'I Wish I'd Done That, Clint'
–– Every Which Way But Scrooged.
Duke slams HBO's 'The White Lotus' for using its apparel in suicide attempt scene
–– Disappointed it was only dream sequence.
Fans Think Joe DeVito Is Related to Danny DeVito
–– Normal people are like, ‘Joe who?’
Harry Styles Co-Signs the Return of the Popped Collar
–– With some loser from early 2000s prep school.
Twiggy on Her Iconic Haircut, David Bowie, and What King Charles Told Her at Buckingham Palace
–– ‘Eat something…anything.’
Carey Mulligan Goes Even Shorter With the “Carey Crop”
–– She’s now 4’10”.
Meg Ryan Has a Thing for This Genius Spring Shoe That’ll Replace Your White Sneakers
–– Was seen
CIA found the Ark of the Covenant by using psychics, declassified files claim
–– At Raiders of Lost Ark memorabilia auction!
’After Midnight’ Ending After Two Seasons on CBS
–– The mourning after.
Dua Lipa’s Yoga Videos Feature Poses That Are Not for Everyone
–– Who isn’t interested in pleasuring self.
Will Smith Addresses Chris Rock Oscars Slap on New Album: 'My S— Still Hot Even Though I Won't Get Nominated'
–– Egomania –– ya gotta hand it to him.
Pete Townshend Says The Who 'F---ing Nailed It' with These Two Hit Songs
–– Who-whee!
With a little help from my friend: John, Paul and the ‘romance’ that transformed culture
–– Gave each other hand.
Scotty McCreery trips, falls over backward on stage during live performance
–– Show's entertainment high point.
Box Office: How ‘Snow White’ Landed in Potential Bomb Territory
–– Bites poisoned apple.
Jenna Bush Hager’s Husband Henry Blushes On-Air When She Brings Up ‘The White House Walk of Shame’
–– For bush hater.
4 new volumes of poetry that help restore nuance to our chaotic world
–– For you 4 people who still buy, read poetry.
My baby screamed during a flight, and I broke all my parenting rules trying to soothe her. A stranger still told me I was a good mom.
–– Then tried to sell me insurance.
What should come after DEI? PFJ.
–– Peanut Butter, Fluffernutter, Jelly?
DNA testing company 23andMe has filed for bankruptcy. What does that mean for your data?
–– Or your mama?
‘Brain rot’: is TikTok causing brain abnormalities?
–– Or other way around?
Something Bizarre Is Happening to People Who Use ChatGPT a Lot
–– Loss of 2 IQ points per week.
Neurologist reveals what happens in your brain during orgasm
–– Whatever cums to mind?
Passenger makes common mistake that got a woman wrongfully escorted off a plane: ‘Felt like a d—k’
–– ‘But she actually grabbed a Sharpie in my pocket.’
Things Are Bad At Tesla. They’re About To Get Much Worse.
–– This week in ‘Cheer up.’
U.S. tech Giants are betting big on humanoid robots –– but China’s already ahead, analysts say
–– Most of population qualifies.
Barcelona finally turned on its crowds of tourists. Now the city faces a major problem
–– Turned-on tourists, amigo!
The First-Ever LongHorn Steakhouse Location Had A Unique History
–– Of utter mediocrity.
Popular burger chain begins closing down restaurants
–– Popular?
Iconic burger chain makes big move to take down McDonald's
–– Whatabugger.
How long can yogurt safely sit out?
–– Before it just goes totally mental!
If You’re Storing These Foods in the Fridge, Stop – There’s a Better Way to Keep Them Fresh
–– Buy them next week.
Mangione Was Sent Socks With Heart-Shaped Notes Inside, Prosecutors Say
–– Like, 'Thompson is dead, His family is blue, I'm homicidal and so are you.'
The most important part of the ocean you’ve never heard of
–– Davey Jones's VIP Locker.
Massive eyes, exceedingly long intestines and a flying cloak – meet the almost unfathomable colugo
–– Appearing on stage as the Fabulous Colugo.
Tiny dachshund survives 16 months on remote island but eludes rescuers
–– Wiener takes all.
Gentle dog surrendered to shelter yearns to feel safe. ‘Her person really did try’
–– To feel safe from pit bull.
Affluent India's love for 'fur babies' fuels pet care industry boom
–– Hairy Krishna.
What is catnip, and how does it work? Why cats go wild for the treat
–– Like feline catnipis.
The 'ugly' blobfish doesn't look like this—when it's underwater
–– We'll take your word for that.
Why scientists just bred these baby red fish with 'hands' in Tasmania
–– Were way high, thought maybe they could train them to roll doobies.
Largest fully preserved dinosaur claw unearthed in Mongolia’s Gobi Desert
–– Scratches archaeologists' itch for big discovery.
Bizarre creature preserved in 99 million-year-old amber was ‘beyond imagination,’ scientists say
–– Unimaginative scientists, but still…
This Crazy Instrument Lets Us Hear How Dinosaurs Might Have Sounded
–– If they were in jazz quintet.
In Europe, You Can Be Sued for Not Taking Action on Climate Change. In the U.S., It’s the Opposite.
–– Musk offering $1 million to biggest polluter.
EU appears to back down on carbon levy on international shipping
–– Joins in global warming to idea of Apocalypse.
Utah becomes the first state to ban fluoride in public drinking water
–– And any other chemical they can't spell.
