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Turd Eye Blind
Week of 06/26/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

President Trump ignoring the coronavirus by covering eyes, ears and mouth with the help of apesAmericans' Approval of How Trump Handled Coronavirus Reaches All-Time Low
–– Lower than a SARS-CoV-2's glycoprotein spike.

Dems warm to Biden’s bunker strategy
–– Want full 1st term there.

Russia Secretly Offered Afghan Militants Bounties to Kill U.S. Troops, Intelligence Says
–– So-called Kabul Dead Pool.

James Carville: Trump has 'zero chance' of being re-elected,' more likely not to run at all
–– Likelier still to not run, say he did.

Tucker Carlson Says 'Exhausted' Trump Faces Losing 2020 Election
–– Tuckered out.

Wall Street Journal Editorial Board Issues Dire Election Warning To Donald Trump
–- Or ‘hopeful election cheer’ to America.

‘There’s no discipline to his strategy’: Trump is undermining his own campaign
–– There’s strategy?

Roseanne Barr calls Donald Trump 'the first woman president of the United States'
–– Damning her entire sex.

Donald Trump Claims A Friend Called Him 'The Most Perfect Person'
–– That friend? Jeffrey Epstein.

Charlize Theron rips into 'overweight' Steven Seagal because 'he's not very nice to women'
–– ‘Especially when he’s, um, on top of them.’

Trump administration considers ending Congress' review of arms sales: sources
–– Saw too many single stars on Yelp.

Amid national crisis on police brutality and racism, Congress flails
–– Like drunk, racist cop with billy club.

Dems sink GOP police bill, leaving Senate deadlocked as country reckons with racism
–– The South: ‘Ah reckon it’s jest fine.’

Marvel's Tessa Thompson and more demand Hollywood cut ties with police
–– Believes Asgardians will protect citizens.

Oakland Mayor Hits Back After Trump Says City Is 'Like Living in Hell'
–– He should try it to prepare for Eternity.

Fighting misinformation online is 'easier than people think': Steve Ballmer
–– ‘It’s like Zune-simple.’

Dennis Quaid says 39-year age difference with new wife 'just doesn't come up'
–– Wife: ’Not only thing that doesn’t come up.’

Patton Oswalt's Mom Is Thrilled He Made Tucker Carlson's Naughty List
–– He stole list from Santa after having him beat senseless.

Robot Named Erica Cast as Lead Actress in Movie: 'She Was Created from Scratch to Play the Role'
–– For that kind of scratch they could’ve afforded two Kristen Stewarts.

Elizabeth Banks Cast as Ms. Frizzle in The Magic School Bus Live-Action Film
–– Expect fizzle.

Action-Adventure 'Tomiris,' About Kazak Warrior Queen, Sells to Key Territories
–– Where it will fail to open.

'Gone With The Wind' Returns To HBO Max With New Introduction
–– After blowback.

Actress Jenny Slate withdraws from voicing biracial character on Netflix's 'Big Mouth'
–– Producers consulting 23andMe to find voice artist with 90% match with animated character.

Trevor Noah Gives 'Honest' Response To Bubba Wallace Noose Incident
–– Knot happy.

Jon Stewart Explains Why Joe Biden's "Humility" Makes Him the "Man of the Moment"
–– And how he totally, completely earned it.

Jon Stewart on Why He Decided to Write, Direct New Political Comedy 'Irresistible'
–– No ‘Humility.”

Producers, Talents Talk Hit Saudi Biopic 'Born a King'
–– Subtitled No Great Sheikhs.

NASA outlines plan to use steam-powered robots to explore icy moons
–– And create froth for frozen lattes.

Genome study opens pathway toward sustainable edible seaweed
–– Feel grateful you’ll be extinct before then.

Blood-sucking 'vampire fish' spawning in Vermont, experts say they are safe
–– Unless you swim after midnight.

Tailless whale spotted swimming off the coast of Italy
–– With outboard motor attached.

Why This Guy Sees Spaghetti Squiggles Instead of Numbers
–– Worked at Olive Garden for 20 years.

80-pound iguana found inside Florida pizza restaurant's freezer
–– Owner was experimenting with alt Southwest Pie.

Hubble Telescope finds flapping 'Bat Shadow' in deep space
–– Suspect extraterrestrial Commissioner Gordon as source.

The Easygoing Linen Trousers That’ll Make You Feel Like a Classic French Cinema Star
–– Pre-stained with vin, distressed with Gauloise burns, sans fly.

Large hybrid sea turtle partakes in 'race' near Florida Keys
–– Resents sarcastic quotes around race.

Humans and dogs have been sledding together for nearly 10,000 years
–– And species that sled together shed together.

Cocker spaniel becomes 'surrogate mother' to orphan quail chick
–– Quail sick of fetching twigs.

Dog walks in SLOW-MOTION when he knows he is about to be told off
–– Like every other domesticated dog for last 20,000 years.

Bizarre Lawsuit Sees Court Deny An Appeal Because Spiders Are Insects
–– Defense hadn’t legs to stand on.

Spider baby boom in a warmer Arctic
–– Lon Chaney Jr. flick gets sequel?

Bugs resort to several colours to protect themselves from predators
–– Mostly scared-piss-yellow.

Playful sea lion chases after a school of tiny fish at Bronte Beach
–– Waddling heights.

All-mail pandemic election ends in fraud charges against NJ politicians
–– All-mail dancers.

Senate confirms Trump's 200th judicial nominee
–– Shit stain that’ll outlast him.

Race car driver Jessi Combs has posthumously been named the fastest woman on Earth by Guinness
–– Was dying to break record.

Fort Lauderdale woman dies in multi-vehicle accident in unincorporated Central Broward
–– Local residents had warned for years of dangers of not incorporating.

Appeals court orders judge to dismiss Michael Flynn case
–– Flynnch.

Ex-Stone prosecutor says Stone treated differently 'because of his relationship to the President'
–– ‘Like remora to whale.’

Here’s what Apple Silicon means for you
–– First show us your wallet.

Court rejects bid to block Mary Trump book
–– No obstruction of Justice?

Trump says niece set to publish book had signed a nondisclosure agreement
–– But won’t cry Uncle.

It’s not just you -- there's a sudden wave of fireworks exploding in cities across the US
–– Um, that noise you heard us make wasn’t fireworks.

Lady Gaga Forgoes Pants for an Iced Coffee Date with Michael Polansky
–– Is she gonna perform at Tim Horton's?

Malala Yousafzai graduates from college 8 years after Taliban gunned her down
–– Shot to head of class.

‘Sex Education' Star Asa Butterfield Says Working With Intimacy Coordinator Helped Cast "Find Our Boundaries"
–– Can’t pathological exhibitionists just drop their drawers anymore?

Chaturbate Launches First Scripted SFW Comedy Series 'Cam_Girlfriend'
–– About bunch of jerkoffs.

Susan Rice Explains Exactly Why Donald Trump's White House Is 'Racist To Its Core'
–– Amidst the rot.

Fact check: Police killed more unarmed Black men in 2019 than conservative activist claimed
–– He claimed 8, Post says 13, but still…

Woman Who Praised KKK Apologizes, Vows To Never Wave Confederate Flag Again
–– Can't wave when tattooed on forehead.

After George Floyd, Ghana’s simple message to African Americans: “Come home”
–– Klan: ‘That’s what we been sayin’.’

A Racist Attack on Children Was Taped in 1975. We Found Them.
–– At New York Times we’ll travel back more than 45 years to stir pot.

Comedian D.L. Hughley Reveals COVID-19 Diagnosis After Being Treated for Exhaustion
–– Isn’t ‘exhaustion’ excuse enough before rehab?

The Dixie Chicks are now called The Chicks
–– Salute with sparking grape juice poured in Dixie-less Cups.

Trump calls protesters 'terrorists,' pledges 'retribution' for tearing down statues
–– Toxic avenger.

Theodore Roosevelt statue will be removed from the front steps of the Museum of Natural History
–– Teddy bare.

Protesters tear down statues of Union general Ulysses S. Grant, national anthem lyricist Francis Scott Key
–– With exsculptatory evidence?

Native Americans to protest against Trump visit to Mount Rushmore
–– Protesters suggest toppling heads instead.

Muhammad Ali's son said his dad wouldn't have supported Black Lives Matter movement or protests over George Floyd's death
–– Is there statue of his can be knocked over?

Rapper who filmed Macy’s beatdown of white man says attack was ‘instinct’
–– Bashic instinct.

California college professor on leave after asking student to 'Anglicize' name
–– Suggested she change Phuc Bui to Shag Ladd.

Why the Oaxaca earthquake made buildings sway hundreds of miles away
–– Made locals ask ‘Oaxacapen?’

For $125,000, You Could Ride a Balloon Into the Stratosphere
–– For $50,000 more we’ll make sure you don’t return.

Molten Mustafar-like Planets Might Have Created Pesky Cosmic Meteorites
–– Amazingly, headline not written by Star Wars fan.

Botched Art Restoration Renders Virgin Mary Unrecognizable
–– Adding leather bustier, crotchless panties, stiletto boots didn’t help.

Pentagon Names 20 Chinese Firms It Says Are Military-Controlled
–– Rest controlled by government with military ‘management.’

If you're firing up the grill this Father's Day, avoid these recalled meats and veggies
–– But nostalgia’s such a big part of Holiday.

Sahara Dust Storm Hits Gulf States—Where Is It Now, Where Is It Going?
–– An exclusive interview.

Toddler Found in Cage Surrounded by Large Snakes During Tennessee Home Raid
–– To be fair, parents paid snakes 2 rats per shift.

Hong Kong activist Joshua Wong says he will be 'prime target' of new security law
–– Xi whiz, you think so?

John Bolton: Boris Johnson ‘playing Trump like a fiddle’
–– Like Nero playing There'll Be A Hot Time In The Old Town Tonight.

Trump: Bolton should be jailed over White House memoir
–– Right next to you.

Gates: Bolton allegations, if true, are 'real mistake'
–– Yeah, a felonoopsy.

Bolton says Trump proposal to intervene in SDNY investigation of Turkish bank felt 'like obstruction of justice to me'
–– ‘Had my first chubby in years.’

John Bolton Tells Stephen Colbert He Didn't Believe Trump Was 'That Bad'
–– While gesturing to fetid pile of month-old guacamole.

Trump administration opens sensitive Arctic areas to oil development
–– Flies sample of President’s stool over to be dropped on territory for 'christening.'

“The Guy Is With the Devil”: The Rosemary’s Baby Theory of Attorney General Bill Barr
–– Looks like he ate devil baby.

Rep. Steve Cohen launches push for Barr impeachment probe
–– Push expected to reach 10 meters max.

65 faculty members from AG Barr's law school alma mater say he has 'failed to fulfill his oath of office'
–– In latest slang for ‘flagrantly violated.’

Trump on firing of Geoffrey Berman: 'I'm not involved'
–– In latest slang for ‘ordered.’

RNC Won't Return Donations That Bought Chinese Officials Access to Trump
–– “He didn’t understand word they said, anyway.’

Vladimir Putin says it was Red Army that vanquished Nazi Germany
–– Gives them credit for defeating Sauron's Army.

President Trump Confronts China's Domestic Atrocities
–– Looking for distraction from own.

Japan is Suspicious about Kim Jong Un's Health After 'Strange' Activity
–– Corpse seemed to twitch.

'The Salesman' Star Taraneh Alidoosti Gets Suspended Sentence in Iran
–– Made her commission.

US cites rise in Iran-backed and white supremacist attacks
–– Demonstrating disparate groups can agree.

Pompeo increases bounty on new, shadowy ISIS leader to $10M as rumors of his death in Syria swirl
–– Wanted poster looks like Bigfoot.

’Lobster King’ Trump Extends Farmer Bailout to Maine
–– He’s got his claws into everything.

Johnny Depp admits to 'challenges with alcoholism and addiction,' but insists Amber Heard abuse claims are false
–– Finally, some real news!

Dark Horse Comics Cuts Ties With Editor Scott Allie After Sexual Abuse Accusations
–– Neigh means nay!

David Lynch Admits He Is Proud of 'Everything' He's Directed 'Except Dune'
–– Dune buggy.

Philip Seymour Hoffman Turned Down ‘The Office’ When Offered Michael Scott Role
–– Writers refused to add drug-induced blackout scenes.

Woman Grieving Late Dog Comforted After Spotting Her Pup's Face in the Clouds
–– Could almost smell foul wet fur after downpour.

Trump sidesteps grim coronavirus surge to sell a happier message
–– Into pile of own shit.

Trump ‘like a child’ in responding to coronavirus, Biden says
–– Like Pugsley Addams getting off on hanging.

A White House official dismissed the President's coronavirus testing comment as 'tongue in cheek.' But it wasn't Trump's first time.
–– More ‘tongue between cheeks.’

Trump quips that he told aides to 'slow the testing down' for coronavirus
–– Quip pro quote?

At Tulsa Rally, Trump Says "Kung Flu" is Among Names for COVID-19
–– 'Our bitch' among coronavirus' names for him.

Tulsa Fire Department says Trump rally attendance was about 6,200
–– Or .001% of idiots who voted for him.

Sick staff and empty seats: How Trump's triumphant return to the campaign trail went from bad to worse
–– He'd Sooner stayed home.

Brad Parscale, Other Trump Staff in Quasi-Quarantine After Tulsa COVID Cases
–– Rated below Par scale.

Donald Trump Jr. Desperately Tries To Spin His Dad's 'Walk Of Shame' Picture
–– Which is now printed in Webster's next to definition of 'despondent.'

Tom Petty's family issues a cease and desist order to Trump campaign
–– I Won’t Back Clown.

‘I don’t kid’: Trump says he wasn’t joking about slowing coronavirus testing
–– ‘Should be slow as me.’

Trump—After ‘Slow The Testing Down’ Remark—Will End Federal Funding For Testing Sites
–– Planning virus injection sites.

White House abruptly cut off funding to coronavirus grant research, Dr Fauci says
–– Trump: "I love Grant, a great General –– no Lee, but I hate that those wise guys tore down his statue. The money was for helping cure Grant? We'll have to take another look at that."

Fauci reveals 'pool' coronavirus testing is being considered
–– Trump threatens to pee in it.

White House Says Trump Won't Follow New Jersey's Quarantine Order Because He's 'Not a Civilian'
–– ‘Or civil.’

This California Hotel Is Offering Guests a Night Stay for $5 Plus a Free Bottle of Wine
–– You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

Coronavirus is killing the Dutch mink industry
–– Stole out from under nose.

The Trump Administration Sent $1.4 Billion In Stimulus Checks To Dead People
–– And they barely budged.

CDC added 3 new coronavirus symptoms to its list, and we almost missed them
–– 2) Blurred vision when CDC issues new guidelines.

Study suggests 80% of Covid-19 cases in the US went undetected in March
–– CDC new symptom #1: Shyness.

New Los Angeles Coronavirus Cases Reportedly Plummet By 50%, But State Data Says Otherwise
–– Initial figures provided by skid row wino.

Dogs are joining the fight against NYC's coronavirus rat problem
–– Ratter ptui!

DHS Secretary says U.S. is 'doing a great job' at reopening despite coronavirus spikes
–– Got whole 'turn key in keyhole' down pat.

Republican senators line up to tell Trump to wear mask as virus spikes
–– Over gag in mouth.

'A Karen in the wild': More than $22,000 in donations pour in for a Starbucks employee who refused to serve a customer not wearing a face mask
–– While chain seeks to make mask wearing easier with Boofaccino.

Why some people can't resist crowds despite the pandemic
–– Do idiots really need more excuses?

Liz Cheney posts photo of former VP in face mask and says 'real men wear masks'
–– Yes, but we’re not even sure he’s human.

Herd Immunity Threshold for COVID-19 Could Be Just 43 Percent
–– Here’s a dart, you take shot at chart numbered 1 to 100.

U.S. Coronavirus Transmission Rate: These States Have the Highest R Number
–– R as in Red?

A Virus Study You’ve Never Heard of Helped Us Understand COVID-19
–– You epidemiologists who’ve spent your lifetime studying pandemics and just happened to click on.

Hotels rethink the rituals of hospitality as they prepare to reopen
–– Why even say hello to ungrateful bastards as they walk through door?

’I’m only human’: Health secretary apologises for ‘momentary lapse’ in breaking social distancing
–– In entire government?

Prince William Becomes the First Working Royal to Wear a Mask in Public
–– Of Harry by Queen's command.

Brazilian doctors fume as President Bolsonaro gets rap for eating hot dogs while COVID-19 cases are on track to pass U.S.
–– Hey, even despotic weiners have to eat.

Excessive Sex Hormones Could Be Making Bald Men More Vulnerable to COVID-19
–– Therefore, even more attractive to women.

Britons in Dubai sell possessions and return home as coronavirus ends expat dream
–– Before they melt in Summer heat.

Joel Schumacher, Director of Batman Films and ‘Lost Boys,’ Dies at 80
–– Rest his soles.

Alan Metter, Director of Rodney Dangerfield's 'Back to School,' Dies at 77
–– Metter bitter end.