Fudd Ruckus
Week of 02/13/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Homeland Security Department shuts down as Democrats and Trump negotiate changes
–– Stop negotiating, let rot.
Bad Bunny represents U.S. better than Trump, Americans say in poll
–– Bugs Bunny would govern it better.
Trump Administration Erases the Government’s Power to Fight Climate Change
–– Washed away like beach in hurricane.
Federal authorities announce an end to the immigration crackdown in Minnesota
–– Mission accomplished.
Top ICE Lawyer in Minnesota Departs as Immigration Lawsuits Overwhelm Courts
–– The ICE have it.
Immigrant whose skull was broken in eight places during ICE arrest says beating was unprovoked
–– Ended with baton rouge.
Border Patrol official praised agent’s ‘excellent service’ hours after he shot Chicago woman, new evidence shows
–– Awarded coupon for two deep-dish pizzas, one paper-thin defense.
Trump Declares ‘I Am the Least Racist President’ in ‘A Long Time’ Amid Racist Post Uproar
–– Since 2016-2020.
Trump privately lashes out at GOP lawmakers over racist video blowback, sources say
–– Asks plaintively, ‘Can’t we all just get it wrong?’
GOP breaks with Trump White House on Obama post as Tim Scott opens the floodgates
–– Moral courage so inspiring.
GOP Senator Changes Tune On Epstein Files Release: ‘Now I See What the Big Deal Is’
–– Had to reveal rape victims under 14 to get her attention.
–– Welcome to Bondi bitch.
Dem Demands DOJ Interview FBI Caller Who Made Rape Allegation Against Trump
–– Before he gets suicided.
Epstein installed secret cameras with help of ‘handy’ Russians
–– Got special on equipment from Moscow Ritz-Carlton.
James Comer Trashes ‘Very Bad Person’ Ghislaine Maxwell for Taking the Fifth
–– And filth.
Searing Dem Letter Asks Ghislaine Maxwell If She or Epstein Procured ‘Underage Girls to President Trump’
–– Her definition of 'underage' may not be theirs.
Bill Clinton Accuses House GOP of Running a ‘Kangaroo Court,’ Demands Public Hearing
–– Claims they need to ‘get hopping.’
A Guide to the Epstein Files if You, Like Me, Just Need to Know What Timothée Chalamet Is Doing in There
–– We, unlike you, find pedophilia unamusing.
Trump Allies Are Offering Personal Access to Him for $1M Donation to ‘Freedom 250’ Group: NYT
–– That rate only gets you ass play.
‘How is That OK?!’ ABC’s Jon Karl Confronts House Republican On Trump Dangling Funds in Exchange for Landmarks Being Renamed After Him
–– How about we give him Death Valley?
Some folks on Wall Street think yesterday’s U.S. jobs number is ‘implausible’ and thus due for a downward correction
–– Ones with functioning prefontal cortexes.
Senators’ stock trades directly overlapped with their committee work, CNN analysis finds
–– This week in 'coinkydinks.'
Jan 6 apologist Jim Jordan tells hearing: ‘You don’t have a right to go into the Capitol and disrupt Congress’
–– 'Unless you've got the balls to pepper spray a police officer.'
‘Their loss’ White House says to governors skipping meeting after no Dems invited
–– Had chance to see Orange Ape sleeping up close.
Doctors bear the burden as ‘medical freedom’ fuels worst US measles outbreak in 30 years
–– Feels great to be untethered from reality.
Vatican announces Pope Leo will not visit U.S. this year
–– Tour of Hell not educational?
Trump Is a Global ‘Wrecking Ball,’ European Security Experts Say
–– If wrecking ball even denser.
Iran sentences Nobel laureate Narges Mohammadi to 7 more years in prison
–– Imanent domain.
Widespread arrests roil Iran weeks after security forces crushed protests
–– Men of god offer alternative to morgue.
China critic Jimmy Lai sentenced to 20 years in jail after landmark Hong Kong trial
–– Lai out.
Ukrainian troops taught the British Army that it takes at least 60 hours of work to become a decent drone pilot
–– Even if you just want to film sunbathing neighbor?
A de facto death sentence for publishing a newspaper
–– Rich coming from WaPo board trying to snuff selves.
Washington Post C.E.O. Will Lewis Steps Down After Stormy Tenure
–– Post mortem.
The women who saw Melania in theaters: ‘If you’re Republican, this is girls’ night’
–– ‘Every other day is father knows best.’
Michael Douglas shares brutal note he received from “Wall Street ”director: 'You look like you've never acted before'
–– Stone cold.
HBO’s ‘Harry Potter’ Series to Reveal Draco Malfoy’s Home Life, Actor Says
–– Consider spinoff blackarts·ish.
‘Rehab Addict' Canceled by HGTV After Host Nicole Curtis Uses Racial Slur During Filming
–– Demos career.
Why '80s Singer Says He's Not Concerned About Growing Old as a Rock Star
–– Or being portrayed by Johnny Depp in crappy biopic.
Kid Rock’s MAGA-friendly country music festival canceled in South Carolina after artists drop out
–– On ICE?
Michael Jackson ‘was a pedophile who could abuse children almost with impunity,’ claims prosecutor who tried King of Pop
–– Why doesn't Epstein have Broadway musical, biopic?
Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl Halftime Show Was an All-American Triumph. Turning Point USA’s Was a Boring MAGA Grift With Kid Rock
–– Yeah, but you could at least understand how stupid it was.
Joe Scarborough Rips ‘Self-Righteous’ Franklin Graham’s Praise of Kid Rock Halftime Show: ‘Guy’ Sings About ‘Sex with Underage Girls’
–– American girls, dammit!
Pete Hegseth Introduces Turning Point USA’s All-American Halftime Show: ‘The Things That Really Matter’
–– 'Guns, God and gonads.'
Republican Congressman Calls for Formal Inquiry Into Bad Bunny’s ‘Indecent’ Super Bowl Show: ‘Pure Smut’
–– Eye-popping comments by leering Tennessee clown actually named Ogles!
Jake Paul, Who Lives in Puerto Rico, Calls Bad Bunny a ‘Fake American’ in Halftime Show Rant
–– PR stunt.
Brandi Carlile’s ‘America the Beautiful’ performance slapped at the Super Bowl
–– This is head for glowing fanboy review –– only thing slapped is his ding dong.
Ben Affleck Spoofs “Good Will Hunting” with Jennifer Aniston and More '90s TV Icons in Dunkin’s 2026 Super Bowl Commercial
–– Turd Dunkin'.
Margot Robbie's New Film Ripped For Its 'Exhausting Sex Scenes' In Harsh Reviews
–– Withering shites.
Matt Damon, Anne Hathaway, Tom Holland are a family divided in new The Odyssey images
–– We hope they’re long lost.
Who Cares if Matt Damon’s ‘Odyssey’ Helmet Is Historically Accurate?
–– Use your noggin!
Robert Wagner’s Daughter Celebrates His 96th Birthday with Candid Photos: 'Funny as Hell and Good as They Get'
–– ‘And skilled at uxoricide.’
Steve Martin Says 'The Pink Panther' Has 'Favorite Comic Scene I’ve Ever Done’
–– Hamberrrgau helper.
The Wicked Witch of the West’s ‘Sesame Street’ Episode, Banned for Scaring Children, Aired 50 Years Ago
–– Before witches ruled US.
Lindsey Vonn’s 2026 Olympics journey, despite her crash, is anything but a failure
–– This week in ‘whatever you say.’
Lindsey Vonn says she has no regrets after breaking leg in serious crash while competing in Winter Olympics
–– Was ‘thinking of breaking it anyways.’
Sarah Schleper is 46 and in her seventh Olympics. Who’s here with her? Her son.
–– At least boring sports story's succinct.
Ice dance will incorporate queer culture unlike in any other Olympics
–– And it used to be so macho.
Olympic store sells out of controversial T-shirt promoting Adolf Hitler’s 1936 Games
–– Triumph of the shill.
Ilia Malinin gives 50 percent and finishes second in first Olympic skate
–– Like double Yutz.
How “Quad God” Ilia Malinin plummeted back to Earth in an epic Olympic collapse
–– More like ‘Squat God.’
Steve Ballmer never regretted paying $2 billion for the Clippers: "It's not the craziest thing I ever acquired"
–– Yeah, we were thinking that about $100 pair of shoes.
Masked Thieves Steal Statue of British Boxer Teddy Baldock From a London Park, Leaving Only His Boots Behind
–– Oh, bad lock.
The Intimate, Luminous Poems Found in Iris Murdoch’s Attic
–– Were they radioactive?
The single word that can destroy a friendship
–– Moist.
The AI boom is so huge it’s causing shortages everywhere else
–– Mostly in human brains.
Anthropic’s Chief on A.I.: ‘We Don’t Know if the Models Are Conscious’
–– We don’t know if tech CEOs have conscience.
Why AI Chatbots Can’t Be Trusted for Financial Advice: They’re Sociopaths
–– Who want to see you broke one way or other.
Apartments Billionaire Passes Control Of Real Estate Empire To His Sons
–– For first time in recorded history!
A Designer Moves Upstairs — and Starts Over
–– In 900 sq ft (including closets?) NYC idea of deal at $1.725m.
An anti-aging vaccine exists. Why aren’t more people getting?
–– Have you met 'more people'?
Here's Why Restaurants Won’t Seat You Until the Rest of Your Party Arrives
–– They just polished that chair.
How I Connected With My Polish Ancestry Through Street Food in Krakow”
–– Like attending pierogial school.
Chipotle CEO fights back after online uproar over its wealthy customers
–– If you're rich and go to Chipotle, buy yourself palate.
Chicago pizza place among the ‘best’ in the world — one of only 2 U.S. spots on the list
–– Is compiling ‘best of’ pizza lists full-time profession?
The Aldi Finds That Copycat McDonald's Filet-O-Fish With Low Effort
–– Tastes like carp jizzed on it.
Farmers Made a Fortune on This Fruit. Now It Is Piling Up
–– The picture of durian gray?
Border Officials Are Said to Have Caused El Paso Closure by Firing Anti-Drone Laser
–– Sadly missing Sec. Noem.
Killers without a cause: The rise in nihilistic violent extremism
–– Trump's a clockwork orange.
Murderer tells police he’ll ‘miss Grand Theft Auto’ after admitting to killing ex-partner
–– Cops promise cellmate will provide joystick.
Woman Allegedly Beat Boyfriend with Hammer and Left Him to Die Half-Naked in Tool Shed: Police
–– Nailed him.
Trump Says “Very Strong” Clues Found in Nancy Guthrie Case, Answers May Come “Fairly Soon”
–– “People are saying in two weeks. Maybe more. So I’ve heard. There are some beautiful clues. Who?”
Man Detained for Questioning in Suspected Kidnapping of Savannah Guthrie’s Mother Nancy Guthrie Has Been Released
–– In signature Kash Patel strategy of psyching out actual perp.
Can chimpanzees and other great apes breed with monkeys?
–– And can we watch?
"The entire family of a deceased matriarch surrounded her corpse, gently touching her with their trunks, as if trying to lift her" – Do animals understand death...?
–– Do we understand headline?
“It has ventilation systems, food storage, nurseries, toilets and highways" – 11 animals that build villages, towns and even cities
–– Without permits!
Ice Fishermen Catch Record-Breaking 244-Pound Atlantic Halibut After Hours-Long Struggle
–– Sorry, but we have no choice: Just for the halibut.
Seabird Poop May Have Fueled This Pre-Inca Kingdom's Rise to Power in South America
–– Or maybe juvenile Smithsonian readers love ‘poop’ headlines.
Scientists Just Found a ‘Spiny Dragon’ Dinosaur With Features Never Seen Before
–– It’s a fossil, so we'll never really see ever.
Metal detectorist finds 19th century Japanese coin in Australia
–– Realizes it fell from own pocket!
Rumors Suggested That Anne Boleyn Was a Witch With Six Fingers. Did This Elizabethan Artist Rework a Portrait of the Tudor Queen to Debunk the Gossip?
–– And get thumbs-up?
Scientists find a ‘blue hole’ so deep they can’t reach the bottom, and they have no idea what is down there
–– Edging their way to ‘explosive’ discovery.
Trump Allies Near ‘Total Victory’ in Wiping Out U.S. Climate Regulation
–– Choke over noxious emissions of human methane bubble Lee Zeldin.
Brad Arnold, Lead Singer of 3 Doors Down, Dies at 47
–– Locked out.
James Van Der Beek, ‘Dawson’s Creek’ Star, Dies at 48
–– Up a Creek.
Bud Cort, ‘Harold and Maude’ Star, Dies at 77
–– Cort adjourned.
