Slush Puppy
Week of 07/31/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump defends DOJ weaponization fund and attacks Cornyn, further imperiling Blanche nomination
–– Piggy needs his slop.
Markets Challenge Warsh’s Approach to Taming Inflation
–– Sucking off Trump?
Trump defends DOJ weaponization fund and attacks Cornyn, further imperiling Blanche nomination
–– Enough to make every American blanch.
Trump says he’s open to temporarily withdrawing Blanche nomination amid GOP resistance
–– Suggests suspending all law enforcement activities for six months except deportations, political revenge.
Vance, Caine raised concerns about escalating war in Iran, sources say as US pauses consecutive nights of strikes
–– Caine not, add Vance?
Iran says it will halt strikes as long as US bombing pause holds
–– Or simply jerk Trump around until he pays ransom.
Iran war appears to expand to Egypt's coast as drones hit gas port
–– Appears? Was it CGI?
Trump giving U.S.-Iran talks ‘some space’ amid pause in attacks, aide says
–– Like teen getting over break-up.
Waltz blames Biden for depleted stockpiles, but says US military has ‘everything that it needs’
–– Yeah, remember his asinine unprovoked attack on Iran?
Mediators see progress in efforts to halt Iran war as drone attacks rattle region
–– In this sense.
Sen. Kennedy says Trump likes daily strikes on Iran: ‘Sometimes you have to kill a few chickens to scare the monkeys’
–– Is monkey-f**ker like you a little nervous?
Trump’s insult-laden speech to press dinner draws mostly stunned silence
–– Press corpse.
Trump Calls Out Speechwriters After His ‘Awkward’ Sex Joke Bombs At WHCD: ‘Worst Delivery Known To Man’
–– That accolade would go to his mother.
Trump Eulogizes Lindsey Graham as Senate Giant, ‘American Original’
–– What other country could have produced such a conflicted, corrupted, closeted, co-conspirator?
Lindsey Graham’s death leaves Trump reflecting on his own mortality
–– As do we –– on his –– every day.
‘Sick of this s***’: Mike Johnson rages after GOP rebellion and then immediately
–– What we say about him all the time.
Trump ‘border czar’ says ICE officer in Maine killing should not have cleared vetting
–– Nor jail.
Fauci's diary shows he fed questions to journalists, built friendships with media figures
–– Unlike any other public figure ever, right, FOX News?
‘Excessive.’ Fetterman criticizes GOP grilling of Fauci
–– Fauci wa wa!
Jim Jordan Melts Down On CNN When Confronted Over Support for Candidate Accused Of Abuse
–– Blame PTSD from watching body slams in showers.
Health Expert Blasts FDA for ‘Catastrophic’ Food Poisoning Response
–– Can't keep it down.
‘Not standard’ for Taylor Farms to ask White House to delay cyclospora recall, ex-FDA head says
–– Lettuce be real.
Jon Ossoff Says RFK Jr. Is to Blame for Explosive Diarrhea Outbreak
–– In DC, for sure.
Hope You Like Raccoon Penis, Because RFK Jr. Has a New Cooking Show
–– With recipes for ‘explosive diarrhea’?
Uninsured Patients Rise Sharply, Hospitals Report, Citing Obamacare Cuts
–– This week in ‘Ya don't say!’
Pulte boasts about dramatic ODNI cuts as he nears the end of his time at the agency
-– Odd knee in National Intelligence's groin.
Congress Budgeted Billions for Big Transit Projects. Trump Isn’t Spending It.
–– Typically off tracks.
Gorsuch: US ‘never supposed to be … about one race or one religion’
–– Anything else from Justice Obvious?
Smithsonian history museum called out for DEI ‘insanity’ during congressional hearing
–– By this DIY clown.
Trump blames governor, not Iran, for Minnesota cyberattack
–– Wall-to-Walz crazy.
Why Trump rushed the Qatari-gifted Air Force One into service before it was ready
–– He has patience, intellect of 4-year-old?
Kentucky Gov. Beshear demands McConnell prove ‘capacity to serve’ or resign
–– Himself soup.
Quote of the day by Vladimir Putin on AI: 'Whoever becomes the leader in this sphere will become the ruler...
–– Napoleon of Ukraine quoted by AI slop-site where robots can’t even manage an end quote mark.
Netanyahu accuses Mamdani of 'fomenting hate,' says rhetoric is making New York Jews afraid
–– Have pumpernickels in a twist?
Democratic discontent with Mamdani mounts in New York City’s outer boroughs
–– Staten Islanders mounted in trees.
Sam Altman says we are in the singularity: 'This is the moment'
–– Of course delusional soulless twat would think so.
Sam Altman says one of his biggest fears is that a small number of companies will control AI: 'That'd be very, very bad'
–– Small number of companies and Trump.
Larry Ellison Bet It All on the A.I. Boom. Will He Be the Face of the A.I. Bubble?
–– No face we’d rather see punched.
Ukraine strikes Siberia refinery as Kazakh leader tells Putin war should end
–– Putin’s reasonable guy, sure to listen.
Putin Melts Down in Front of Stunned Sailors After Canceling Parade
–– Leaves tiny, pale puddle.
After being ‘bamboozled by Russian propaganda,’ Laura Loomer says she’s all in for Ukraine
–– She'd be bamboozled by Nigerian Prince's e-mail.
China built full-size models of US warships and aircraft to hone its missiles
–– In world's biggest bath tub.
Tens of Thousands Crossed Into Spanish Territory, Officials Say
–– Maybe they can get Mexicans to pay for wall.
Honduras ex-President Hernandez returns home after Trump pardon
–– Stopped to pick up coke at airport, brought home 100 kilos in luggage.
State Dept. apologizing for Africa map that mislabeled every country
–– Was caught by Trump’s sharp eye!
Elon Musk Attacks Media After Reporter Suggests People ‘Loathe’ Him: ‘They Hate You More’
–– Reporter, ‘No, you.’ Musk, ‘No, you.’ Reporter, ‘No, you.’ Musk, ‘No, you.’ Reporter, ‘No, you.’ Musk, ‘No, you.’ Reporter, ‘No, you.’…
After Losing 40% Of His Net Worth In A Month, Elon Musk Attempts To Raise $4 Billion For Another Company
–– How it works in billionaire boy’s club.
Why did a $154 billion CEO just endorse stripping most Americans of voting rights––and taking us back to the 19th century?
–– Same reason we’d strip all billionaires of voting rights, political contributions.
Sadie Sink’s Secret Role in ‘Spider-Man: Brand New Day’ Finally Revealed
–– Sinks in.
Robert Downey Jr. has seen Avengers: Doomsday and says it's "absolutely fantastic": "We may redeem ourselves”
–– What a relief to have unbiased opinion.
Chris Evans turned down a Nomad movie and "dozens" of Marvel pitches since Avengers: Endgame, and only said...
–– ‘That’s a lotta paychecks.’
Black Panther 3's New T'Challa Actor Leaves Marvel With One Tricky Problem
–– Character 'born' in 2018? Or actor 'boring' in everything he's appeared in?
‘Wonder Man’ Un-Renewed at Disney+, No Season 2 Coming
–– In case you wonder.
Keke Palmer to Close Martha’s Vineyard African American Film Festival with Wellness and Beauty Seminar
–– Hold that ferry!
Benedict Cumberbatch, Alan Cumming, Benedict Wong Pen Op-Ed Urging U.K. to Block “Dangerous” Paramount-Warner Bros. Merger
–– Want to doctor strangely?
‘The Odyssey’ shows how online rage finds a home
–– And really impacts boxoffice.
‘The Odyssey’ Translator Cited by Nolan Trashes Film: “I Would Be Ashamed”
–– Yeah, but you did more than just watch Kirk Douglas movie.
Joyce Carol Oates Defends ‘The Odyssey’ and Slams Translator for Scathing Review: ‘Speaks in the Crude Language of MAGA Folks’
–– Doubt she’s feeling her Oates.
How Emily Wilson’s Takedown of ‘The Odyssey’ Ignited a Debate
–– And got you to learn her name.
Matt Damon’s Biceps in That ‘Odyssey’ Fight Scene? They’re Hers.
–– His bulge? Theirs.
Director Barry Sonnenfeld Says His Parents Knew His Cousin Was Molesting Him as a Child
–– And now, lucky you, do too.
Kelsey Grammer admits it's 'exhausting' when movies try to alter history to fit modern tastes
–– Isn't about time Grammer schooled?
After Seeing Masters Of The Universe, I Have To Ask Why It Was Even Made
–– Question to be asked of 90% of productions.
See Alexander Skarsgård’s ‘nipples made out of wicker’ in steamy first trailer for Wicker
–– We're holding out for rattan balls.
1969 Classic, Which Clint Eastwood 'Never Liked', Named the 'Greatest Western' of All Time
–– Not-Wild-About Bunch?
Morgan Fairchild Recalls “Dallas ”Producers Sending Actors to Her and Larry Hagman to Learn the ‘Texican’ Accent
–– And other Tex arcana?
Larry the Cable Guy recovering after being rushed to hospital for health scare
–– Had to cut the Cable?
Kevin O’Leary's Labubu was stolen after he turned down $5 million to sell it
–– Only la boob boob would've bought in first place.
Bruce Springsteen Blasted by Journey’s Jonathan Cain in Explosive Politics Clash
–– Geez, how many sites picked up non-story of bitter old man calling Springsteen ‘bitter old man’?
Keith Richards Says He and Mick Jagger Find Themselves ‘Writing the Same Song Without Knowing It’
–– Could’ve asked any listener of last 10 albums.
Mick Jagger says that a life in rock and roll will "permanently damage" you psychologically
–– No more than your slavish fans.
’80s Rock Legend Tom Keifer Cancels Remainder of 2026 Tour
–– In latest slang for ‘has-been.’
Boy George releases song minimizing Palestinian genocide
–– Culture clubbed.
World Cup 2026: Gianni Infantino slams critics who were 'spreading hate' during event
–– More than supporters like Trump?
Gianni Infantino defends World Cup sale plan amid global backlash and boycott calls
–– 'Hey, I'm-a greedy bastard!'
Women’s pro baseball is back. Here’s what to expect from the WPBL
–– What, you’re not a relative? OK, share with someone who is.
Gen Z-ers Are Ditching Sex. They Might Be Onto Something
–– Or on –– libido-killing drugs, online porn.
Why women didn’t wear panties for centuries. The truth will shock you
–– Tore when stretched over chastity belts?
’Virginity is a myth we've given too much power'
–– It’s also reality Jeffrey Epstein would’ve agreed with you about.
Should I Tell My Conservative Mom Her Grandchild Is Trans?
–– Maybe try gender reveal with lavender streamers?
Dear Abby: Wife’s never been interested in songs he writes for her
–– Didn’t love his version of The Bitch Is Back?
The Newest Status Symbol in Longevity Circles? A “Top One Percent” Vagina
–– Split decision?
Meet the Woman Who Stands to Inherit Much of Jeffrey Epstein’s Fortune
–– By lying down?
They ripped up “disgusting” carpet in a 100-year-old home. They were shocked at what was underneath.
–– “Repulsive” laminate.
The Italian paradise island with no roads, no phone signal — and almost no tourists
–– And no us.
Never Suffer A Soggy Jersey Mike's Sandwich Again — Try This Simple Request
–– ‘Please take me anywhere else.’
The Most Famous Cake in Texas Has Changed
–– Turned to goo in summer heat.
Want To Own a Piece of Colonel Sanders History?
–– 12th herb and spice still available.
This Little Thing Is the Greatest Compliment You Can Give a Waiter
–– A chubby as you stare at ass?
Georgia school shooter’s father, who bought him a gun, is sentenced to 15 years
–– Learned to be abettor dad.
3 people killed, several wounded in shooting at Seattle food festival
–– Forgot to order 'Duck!'
“It’s as secretive as a ghost, so secretive that, prior to 2012, it had never been photographed." When India's grumpiest cat moved into a house, the family moved out
–– Ghosts we see in movies are always spilling family secrets.
“It doesn't reach sexual maturity until 150 years old and can be pregnant for a humongous 18 years." The 10 longest living animals on the planet
–– 10. Methuselamb, 9. Larry Kingfisher, 8. Mel Brooks Trout, 7. Ancient Mariner Moose, 6. Gray Goose, 5 Olden Retriever, 4. Grizzled Bear, 3. Senior Prawn, 2. Old Coot, 1. Silver Fox.
Forget the liger… the astonishing wild animal hybrids that prove why nature – and love – is far stranger than you think
–– We’ll certainly forget stupid name.
Why the FBI Secretly Investigated Bigfoot–and the Brutal Truth They Found
–– Wore size 8 regular.
A Metal Detectorist Discovered Tiny Tiles in a Farmer's Field. A Spectacular Ancient Roman Mosaic Was Buried Beneath the Surface
–– Yet this will never happen to you, weirdo with metal detector.
Archaeologists Discover Two Thumbnail-Sized Bird Sculptures Carved From Mammoth Ivory 40,000 Years Ago
–– Feel kind of silly.
Archaeologists found 37 people buried in one giant ‘death jar’
–– Contestant won prize by guessing there were 36 in it.
A desert town may run out of water. Others could face the same fate.
–– Possibly why they're called desert towns?
This Pacific Island Disappeared Under Rising Seas. A New Sculpture Marking the Spot Will Morph Into a Home for Seabirds, Coral and Marine Life
–– Culture vultures thrilled.
George and Amal Clooney Forced to Evacuate French Home Amid Fast-Moving Wildfires
–– Ah, Maintenant, c'est réel!
Glen Hansard, Frontman of Irish Band the Frames, Dies at 56
–– Drops out of Frames.
