When the Goon Gets Good
Week of 01/15/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump Has Another Justification for the Shooting of Renee Good: Disrespect
–– Checking video to see if she looked at Ross sideways.
Trump flips off antagonizing worker at Ford plant in Michigan
–– National bird.
Trump Administration Begins Criminal Inquiry Into Minnesota Leaders
–– Misdirect worthy of Mandrake the Magician.
‘Yes, She Did’: Megyn Kelly Disputes That Renee Good ‘Didn’t Deserve To Be Shot in the Face’
–– Aside from making former employer Fox News look ‘not so ‘bad’, what is this harpy’s mission?
“The View”'s Sara Haines says woman killed by ICE 'contributed to the heat' by 'cutting off the road' with car
–– Only ‘heat’ contributed was Jonathan Ross’ gun.
The ICE Shooter's Face Was Everywhere Online Within Hours. There's Just One Problem.
–– We’re waiting for mug shot.
Minneapolis mayor doubles down on ICE comments: ‘I’m sorry I offended their delicate ears’
–– Were still ringing from triumphal shots.
Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey dismisses new ICE shooting video, says agent 'walked away with a hop in his step'
–– Murder feels good, ask Kristi.
‘Who Is Jewish’: Fundraiser for ICE Agent Who Shot Renee Good Takes Anti-Semitic Swing at Minneapolis Mayor
–– Why wouldn’t morons also be bigots –– it’s most natural thing in Trumpworld?
‘I Will Not Answer Any More of These Questions!’ Tom Homan Bristles at Kristen Welker Confronting Him About Alleged $50K Payoff
–– ‘Unless you pay with unmarked bills in a paper bag.’
’I’m Begging’: Tom Homan Makes Plea for ICE Critics To ‘Tone Down the Rhetoric’ After Minneapolis Shooting
–– Also claims he doesn’t like killing, didn't take bribe, so you judge sincerity.
Border czar says ICE shooting victim's actions 'could fall within that definition' of domestic terrorism
–– Definition provided by lying sociopath.
Anti-Trump journalist claims ICE offered her a job after six-minute interview and ‘sloppy’ vetting
–– Three minutes of which was game making up new anti-immigrant slurs.
ICE agents ate meal at a Minnesota Mexican restaurant – then arrested the staff who worked there
–– Left no tip!
In Minneapolis and beyond, businesses ban ICE officers as outrage grows
–– Let them pack own lunch.
Trump Cabinet secretaries conspired to violate Constitution, judge says
–– Our only argument is with limited past tense.
Thune warns DOJ's probe of Fed Chair Powell 'better be real' and 'serious' amid political backlash
–– Like every other act of revenge.
Pirro on Powell probe: ‘None of this would have happened if they had just responded to our outreach’
–– Who? Idiot voters who refused to respond to Trump’s promise of overreach?
FBI searches Washington Post reporter’s home
–– Should be searching editorial board's psych records.
A Supreme Court ruling that strikes down Trump’s tariffs would be the fastest way to revive the stalling job market, top economist says
–– Faster than limiting AI in workplace?
Inflation remained at 2.7% in December, as high prices continue to weigh on many Americans
–– Who someday will see actual figures.
Donald Trump Tells CBS News’ Tony Dokoupil That If Kamala Harris Won In 2024, “You Probably Wouldn’t Have A Job Right Now”
–– Nor you, genius.
Ford Worker Suspended for Calling Trump a ‘Pedophile Protector’ Says He Has ‘No Regrets Whatsoever’
–– For calling out little PP.
Clinton fails to show for Epstein deposition, threatened with contempt of Congress
–– As invisible as Epstein files DOJ is weeks late in releasing.
Trump wants $1.5 trillion for defense. What a bargain.
–– Does delusional WaPo ed board think DOD orders materiel from Amazon?
Venezuela’s Machado gave Trump her Nobel prize. In return she received a swag bag but no promise of support
–– And bumper stick, 'Trump Took My Nobel Prize and All I Got Was This Swag Bag.'
Trump pushes for $100 billion in oil investments in Venezuela while Exxon and others say it’s currently ‘uninvestable’ without major reforms
–– Landman Trump didn’t know?
Trump says he might keep Exxon out of Venezuela after CEO called it 'uninvestable'
–– Exxon, ‘Thanks.’
Vance casts tiebreaking vote to kill Venezuela war powers resolution
–– After rats Hawley and Young crawled back up Trump'sback alley.
GOP Rebel Gives Crazy Reason Why He Caved on Anti-Trump Bill
–– Hawley tearfully reveals doctors discovered spine had melted.
Donald Trump Says He Wants 'Ownership' of Greenland Because It's 'Psychologically Important for Me'
–– Hole in psyche twice size of land mass.
Mitch McConnell Eviscerates Trump’s Greenland Ambitions in Scathing Floor Speech: Would Be an ‘Unprecedented Act of Strategic Self-Harm’
–– Like Dr. Frankenstein critiquing Creature’s table manners.
Trump Gets Snippy With Reporter Asking About a Military Incursion Into Greenland: ‘You Don’t Know What I’m Going To Do’
–– Makes two of you.
Lindsey Graham Testified After 2020 Election That if You Told Trump 'Martians Came and Stole Votes,' He'd Believe It
–– He was dressed as little green man being digitally probed.
House Democrat Calls Out GOP Colleagues for Giving the Founder of the Oath Keepers a Reserved Seat at Hearing
–– Amazed they didn't invite to rest feet on Pelosi's desk.
Donald Trump goes to quick dentist appointment in Florida
–– Two hours ‘quick’? Must’ve had long sit in waiting room.
Trump Goes On Social Media Spree Attacking Opponents After Mystery Dentist Appointment
–– Wishes he could’ve seen this guy.
Trump’s ‘Hole Milk’ Comment Breaks Jimmy Kimmel’s Brain
–– Trump is asswhole.
RFK Jr. Likens Donald Trump to a God for Staying Alive with His Diet: 'Pumping Himself Full of Poison All Day Long'
–– And spewing out 10x as much.
RFK Jr. Says Donald Trump Has ‘Highest Testosterone Level’
–– Of any impotent 79-year-old.
Trump’s ‘Superstar’ Appellate Judges Have Voted 133 to 12 in His Favor
–– Protection money withheld 12 times.
Smithsonian removes Trump impeachment text as it swaps his portrait
–– Will need to vastly expand in next couple of years anyway.
Donald Trump Wears Pin of Himself Beneath the American Flag, Calls It 'Happy Trump’
–– Has same cartoon character on drool cup.
Nobel Committee Warns That Peace Prize Cannot Be Shared or Transferred amid Trump's Meddling: 'The Decision Is Final'
–– Like Polaroid Instant Camera Package on Price is Right.
Trump Embarrasses Melania With Bombshell Movie Admission
–– Embarrasses America by premiering lube job at Kennedy Center.
Trump Leaves Us Speechless In A Low-Cut Dress At Mar-A-Lago NYE Bash
–– Exposing melons on body that aren’t empty.
The Trump administration flipped the food pyramid. See what foods fit with this quiz.
–– Should be crow at top.
Trump’s college agenda may have a lasting impact on research, culture
–– Insuring just stupid remains.
Chinese Universities Surge in Global Rankings as U.S. Schools Slip
–– The triumph of freedom of thought!
The House Republican Majority Is Down to Almost Nothing
–– And up to no good.
What Stephen Miller Gets Wrong About Human Nature
–– Like dog reading computer manual.
Mamdani’s First Big Move to Help Renters Is Dealt a Blow by Court
–– Next you're going to tell us real estate industry is powerful in NYC.
San Francisco Is on the Rebound. What Happened to Its Ousted Mayor
–– Breed contempt.
Is the Iranian Regime About to Collapse?
–– This week in 'tiresome geopolitical questions asked regularly since 1979.'
How the Iranian regime falls
–– In your dreams, WaPo.
Trump calls on Tehran to show protesters humanity amid reports of rising death toll in crackdown
–– Speaking from pinnacle of moral authority.
Iraq War critic, Venezuela mission defender: Vance’s foreign policy journey
–– To hell, not back.
How Venezuela’s New Leader Went From Revolutionary to Trump’s Orbit
–– Threat of murder?
U.S. plane used in boat strike was made to look like civilian aircraft
–– Pete Hegseth disguised self in commercial pilot's uniform while directing operation at Pentagon.
Senior Hamas figure killed in Israeli air strike in Gaza
–– This week in ‘Ceasefires.’
Haiti drone operation strikes home of gang leader ‘Barbecue’
–– Is he done?
This CEO laid off nearly 80% of his staff because they refused to adopt AI fast enough. 2 years later, he says he’d do it again
–– And this time kick each in ass as they left.
Compass Acquires Top Rival, Creating World’s Largest Brokerage
–– Not in Compass mentis.
David Letterman GOES OFF On ‘Those Idiots at CBS’: They’ve ‘Trampled On, Pissed on and Eviscerated’ the ‘Integrity of CBS News’
–– Stupid In-a-Pet Trick.
Oracle struggles to attract workers to Nashville ‘world HQ’—even with a 2-million-square-foot office and Larry Ellison’s favorite
–– Sounds great if you never go home.
David Ellison Takes Warner Bros. to Court as Paramount Launches Proxy Battle Over Netflix Bid
–– He’s idiot son Trump already has.
Fran Drescher Interrupts Nikki Glaser’s ‘Marty Supreme’-Inspired Kpop Spoof At The Golden Globes
–– Too late, had begun.
Remember when Julia Roberts upended tradition by wearing a suit to the Golden Globes?
–– You do? Get a life.
Presenter Wanda Sykes Makes Famed Atheist Ricky Gervais Thank God In Golden Globes Acceptance Speech As He No-Shows Another Ceremony
–– Sykes out.
Bong Joon Ho to Chloé Zhao on ‘Hamnet’: “I Felt Healed Watching This Film” (Exclusive Video)
–– Anything else her publicist cares for us to hear?
Emilia Clarke Is Done With the Fantasy Genre After ‘Game of Thrones’: ‘You’re Unlikely to See Me Get on a Dragon Ever Again’
–– Unless flagging career prompts OnlyFans page.
Adam Sandler Promises to Make “50 More Movies Before I Am Dead — and at Least 25 of Them Will Be Good”
–– Or 95% more than currently.
Mel Brooks’ son says director was ‘intolerable’ during early years of his career: ‘Very volatile.’
–– He Mellowed?
Kiefer Sutherland Allegedly Asked Uber Driver to Pull Over, Repeatedly, Before Arrest
–– Slurring something about stopping to look for his dignity.
Jude Law and Andrew Garfield Transform Into Siegfried and Roy in First Look — See the Photos
–– Look silly, we’re not lion.
Pamela Anderson gives disappointing update on relationship with Tommy Lee
–– No one’s more disappointed than us having to read about that burnout.
Despite his $2.6 billion net worth, MrBeast says he’s having to borrow cash and doesn’t even have enough money in his bank account to buy McDonald’s
–– Gee, he's just like unemployed fans who squander lives on content that made him rich.
Does ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ Have a Streaming Problem?
–– Is it all those tucks?
‘Tell Me Lies’ Duo Grace Van Patten and Jackson White on That Videotape Scene: “F***ing Awful”
–– Sorry Hollywood Reporter, even ’F***ing’ won’t get us to read.
Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Karl Urban Are Pirates With Violent Pasts in ‘The Bluff’ Trailer
–– For BDSM fans, Bloody Dames Shooting Men.
Oprah says Joan Rivers ruined 'horrible' interview by body-shaming her: 'Felt it was my fault'
–– Lack of humor and all?
Why on Earth Have I Seen the Same Broadway Show 13 Times? An Investigation.
–– Fit only for your analyst.
"I Hate Trump But I Agree With Him": Conan O'Brien Is Going Viral For His Cautionary Advice To Comics Who Say "F Trump All The Time"
–– Don’t write head to make it seem like O’Brien agrees with Trump, not Redditor.
NFL legend Cam Newton admits he’s not ‘superman,’ can’t provide for his 8 kids like he used to. Here’s his 1 big mistake
–– 8 kids?
Bettors and players fixed dozens of NCAA basketball games, prosecutors say
–– Of course young folks defer to their bettors.
Sex Had Become a Chore. Then They Started Reading Romantasy.
–– Now it’s just embarrassment.
Older Americans Quit Weight-Loss Drugs in Droves
–– Don’t want to live out life on shitter.
Running vs. Walking: Which Is Better for Lasting Health?
–– No question which you’ll look less ridiculous doing.
Science shows very different psychiatric disorders might have the same cause
–– Social media.
Saks Files for Bankruptcy as Department Stores Fight for Survival
–– Saks starved.
Dos Equis revives ‘Most Interesting Man’ ads as beer sales struggle
–– 'MIM' needed CPR.
There’s Never Been a Better Time to Eat Chinese Food
–– Then Christmas when other restaurants are closed.
Add cabbage to your pasta sauce. You’ll thank me later.
–– After you’ve blown hole through your shorts.
Plant-based food was the future. Then meat came roaring back.
–– And kicked seitan's skinny ass.
‘Garden of Eden’: the Spanish farm growing citrus you’ve never heard of
–– Because you don’t speak language.
Why Anthony Bourdain Said This Pasta Is the ‘Greatest Thing in the History of the World’
–– In one of his manic phases?
USDA: Costco has a serious problem with its $4.99 chicken
–– Already using reconstituted sewer rat.
A New Look at the Sex-Abuse Case Against TV’s ‘Frugal Gourmet’
–– And his recipes for serving chicken.
FBI: Arson suspect admitted to starting fire at Mississippi’s largest synagogue ‘due to building’s Jewish ties’
–– Devil’s butt-boy Spencer Pittman termed it ‘Satan’s synagogue.’
–– Police 'gotta catch 'em all.'
Exquisitely preserved animal pulled from ancient swamp in Illinois. Strange dimples on body reveal what killed it
–– Killer smile?
Lemon-Shaped World Is the Most Stretched-Out Planet Ever Seen
–– Perhaps squeezed-out?
Creature with enormous eyes rediscovered in a Roman mine that dates back 2,000 years
–– Orebs?
In ancient Arabia, people dined on sharks and stingrays
–– For desert?
Trump Claims China Doesn’t Have Any Windmills – But It Has the Most In the World
–– Sound you hear is wind whistling through brain pan.
John Cunningham, Character Actor and Broadway Stalwart, Dies at 93
–– Heaven has new stuffed shirt.
Thomas Kent ‘T.K.’ Carter, ‘Punky Brewster’ and ‘The Thing’ Actor, Dies at 69
–– T.K.O.
Scott Adams, Creator of the ‘Dilbert’ Comic Strip, Dies at 68
–– Made redundant.
Bob Weir, Grateful Dead rhythm guitarist, vocalist and founding member, dies at 78
–– Weir no angel.
Bob Weir Was the Dead’s Invisible Thread
–– More broken string on Deadening jams.
