Win-Wince
Week of 07/04/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Holdouts say Trump promised he'd 'make the bill better' in the future
–– Make silk purse from sow’s dump.
Three reasons why Republicans cut Medicaid
–– 3. They. 2. Love. 1. Pain.
House Republicans are ready to finish Trump's big tax cuts bill after Democrat's marathon speech
–– Have straight razors out, exposing necks.
Trump threatens Senate Republicans who defy him as Elon Musk attacks ‘utterly insane’ megabill
–– Truly madly deeply.
G.O.P. Bill Has $1.1 Trillion in Health Cuts and 11.8 Million Losing Care, C.B.O. Says
–– Compromised on illness, death –– wanted more.
Jeffries Breaks Record in Hourslong Speech Opposing Trump’s Policy Bill
–– Finally something for his gravestone.
Lisa Murkowski’s Strategy on Trump Budget Bill Is Already Backfiring
–– Baked Alaskan.
‘Totally Unhinged’: Trump Ripped After Bizarre Attack On Lawmaker’s ‘Ugly Face’
–– Was Raskin for it.
Trump Plans to Start Notifying Countries of US Tariffs Up to 70%
–– Sure he is.
Trump uses term viewed as antisemitic slur to refer to unscrupulous bankers
–– No shit Shylock.
James Carville Fears Election Tampering From Trump: 'I Don't Put Anything Past Him'
–– Didn't in 2016, 2020.
Paramount, President Trump reach $16 million settlement over "60 Minutes" lawsuit
–– CBS Paramounted from behind.
CBS settlement with Trump slammed by journalists, commentators as 'appalling' surrender
–– Shari Redstone offered WH all-expenses paid trip to piss on Edward R. Murrow's grave.
Inside CBS News, Staffers Voice Disgust, Anger, Relief and Anxiety After Trump Settlement
–– The Eye's had it.
–– Good question, John. No.
Former CBS anchor Dan Rather calls Paramount's $16 million deal with Trump 'a sell-out to extortion'
–– Adds, 'Don't those sumbitches remember the times I signed off with Courage?'
Trump Says the UFC Will Host a Championship Fight at the White House
–– Will have AOC tossed in ring for half-time bout.
Why some fear government data on the U.S. economy is losing integrity
–– Because Trump, everyone around him are lying sacks of shit?
UN nuclear watchdog chief says Iran could again begin enriching uranium in ‘matter of months’
–– Iran, ‘We beg to differ.’
Intercepted call of Iranian officials downplays damage of U.S. attack
–– Whereas publicly they humor Trump.
–– In latest slang for 'completely obliterated.'
Satellite images appear to show excavators and bulldozers at work at Iran's bombed-out nuclear site
–– Trump convinced they're building monument to him.
Trump says DOGE is a monster that may ‘go back and eat Elon’
–– Like in DOGE and Dragons.
Trump taps 30-year-old with little government experience and links to Holocaust denier to lead federal agency
–– But lips amongst sweetest that ever touched his ass.
Tillis Announces He Won’t Run Again as Trump Threatens Him With a Primary
–– Maul Tillis.
Loved ones share tributes as leaders, including former President Joe Biden, attend funeral for slain Minnesota House Speaker and her husband
–– As Americans pay tribute with heartfelt, 'Who?'
State Department Staff Are Miserable Working Under Marco Rubio
–– Who's only hired the miserable.
Rubio hails end of USAID as study says its elimination could contribute to 14 million deaths in next 5 years
–– Brags it will be closer to 20 million.
Bush, Obama and Bono bid farewell to USAID as researchers warn agency’s closure means 14m extra deaths
–– Oh, those bleeding-heart liberals, especially Dubya!
Donald Trump threatens to arrest NYC mayoral Democratic nominee Zohran Mamdani
–– On grounds of not abetting his criminal schemes.
For Zohran Mamdani, Mom Mira Nair’s Films Were a Formative Influence
–– By being uniformly mediocre.
Bill Ackman’s ‘hundreds of millions of dollars’ in NYC mayoral race goes to Eric Adams—‘ready to go to battle, guns blazing’ against Zohran Mamdani
–– Adams' family values.
Protesters line highway in Florida Everglades to oppose ‘Alligator Alcatraz’
–– Hungry gators line up with knives, forks.
How ICE raids turned parts of Los Angeles into ghost towns
–– Chilled MAGAritas.
‘MAHA Report’ calls for fighting chronic disease, but Trump and Kennedy have yanked funding
–– MWAHAHA.
Trump was bleeding so much on the hospital bed after attempted assassination that staff thought he had been hit five times
–– Claims him.
Trump Says He Is ‘Very Disappointed’ With Putin Conversation on Ukraine
–– He got off phone before Trump could tell him, 'I love you.'
Russia brushes off talks, launches largest assault on Ukraine
–– Maybe it was how many times Trump called Putin 'genius.'
Son of Norway’s Crown Princess Is Charged With Rape and Sexual Assault
–– After taking one good look at him.
The Sheikh Who Conquered Soccer and Coddles Warlords
–– Sheikh your bootee.
Why Is Trump Returning MS-13 Leaders to El Salvador? 5 Takeaways From the Times Investigation.
–– 1. You don't understand 6-dimentional chess so we're not even going to try to explain.
Sam Altman scoffs at Mark Zuckerberg’s AI recruitment drive and says Meta hasn’t even got their ‘top people’
–– Would take AI 10 years to determine which one of these two is bigger douche.
AMC warns of longer previews at movie theaters
–– Suggests you can watch pop-up ads on phone while you wait.
Dr. Phil's Anti-Woke TV Network Sues Christian Broadcaster After Filing For Bankruptcy
–– Phil for bankruptcy.
Rob McElhenney Files to Legally Change His Name to ‘Rob Mac’
–– Mac erroneous.
Inside ‘Elio’s’ “Catastrophic” Path: America Ferrera’s Exit, Director Change and Erasure of Queer Themes
–– Queer themes would’ve boosted BO?
Ironheart fans claim it's "one of the best Marvel TV shows" as they call for a second season following its cliffhanger finale: "Don't leave these storylines to die"
–– Some fans.
Marvel’s Big TV Teases: Will Mephisto Go the Way of the Power Broker, Hulk’s Son, Super Skrull G’iah…?
–– Is this question or editor having stroke?
La Roux Wants You to Know That Beyond Singing, She Also Writes, Produces, and Performs Her Music
–– Because you’ll never hear, see any of it.
Charlize Theron on Why She Hasn’t Revealed Name of Director Who She Says Sexually Harassed Her
–– Case of Therondippity?
Scarlett Johansson Says She Was Offered ‘A Lot’ of Roles ‘Revolving’ Around ‘Desirability’ and ‘The Male Gaze’ as a Young Actress: ‘That Is Less Frequent’
–– At 40? Hunh.
Clint Eastwood’s ‘addictive’ affairs during first marriage exposed in new biography: ‘I was going to do as I pleased’
–– Every which way and loose.
Emma Stone Praises Pedro Pascal, Says ‘I’d F—Him’
–– After hot Stone massage?
Is Brad Pitt Having a Midlife Crisis?
–– And will he really live to 122?
’Sinners’ on Max Will Include a Black American Sign Language Version
–– Flashing plenty of birds.
Stand Up Comedian Earthquake to Develop Fox Sitcom Based on His Life, Bill Burr to Produce
–– Faulty Towers?
Dylan O’Brien Says “Reboot Mania” Led Him to ‘Ponyboi’: “I Get Tired of Watching the Same Shit”
–– Solution: New Shit.
Michael Cera Says He Turned Down a Role in ‘Harry Potter’ Spinoff ‘Fantastic Beasts’: ‘I Had a Big Fear’ That ‘I Would Get Too Famous’
–– Michael who?
’The Office’ Star Rainn Wilson Says the Show Was a ‘Struggle’ After Steve Carell Left: ‘We Knew it Was Coming For a Long Time’
–– How do you think viewers felt?
Glastonbury Organizers ‘Appalled’ by Bob Vylan’s Chants After Set Sparks Controversy: ‘There Is No Place for Antisemitism, Hate Speech or Incitement to Violence’
–– Senseless Vylan’s.
Rock singer addresses decades-old rumor: ‘Cat’s out of the bag’
–– Cat Power was in a bag?
Four Killed and 14 Injured in Mass Shooting Outside Mello Buckzz Record Release Party in Chicago
–– Released crackin'.
Charli xcx Hits Back at “Boomer” Criticism of Autotune Use During Glastonbury Set: “Yawn”
–– Yawn was perfect C-flat.
Beyoncé Pauses Show After Prop Car Tilts in the Air
–– Stalls for time.
Mylene Klass:’That bikini got my children through school’
–– Klass act.
John Legend responds to Ye saying he smells like 'mashed potatoes' after antisemitic rants: 'It's just sad'
–– Takes his lumps.
Why feds failed to convict Sean 'Diddy' Combs on biggest charges. 'The government overreached'
–– Like defendant with minors.
Here's What Diddy Will Eat in Prison On July 4
–– Shit, one would hope.
Taraji P. Henson to Make Broadway Debut in August Wilson Play
–– With chew guards on all scenery.
Wet Leg Became Indie Superheroes Overnight. Now They’re Acting Like It.
–– Don’t piss down our leg, tell us it’s raining.
Ringo Starr asked Sam Mendes for changes to Beatles biopic script: 'That's not how we were'
–– No Ringo truth?
Anna Wintour Won’t Ever Be Replaced
–– Good news or bad?
Rosie O’Donnell Calls Out Oprah for Attending Jeff Bezos’ Wedding: ‘How Is That Possible? He Treats His Employees With Disdain… He Is Not a Nice Man’
–– Outlook anything but Rosie.
Jeff Bezos & Lauren Sanchez Are Reportedly 'Livid' About One Star's Ruthless Criticism of Their Wedding
–– No Bezos in fact?
Joey Chestnut returns to Nathan’s after year away, eyes hot dog eating record
–– And Tums.
Is AI rewiring our minds? Scientists probe cognitive cost of chatbots.
–– Are too many blank slates?
Cracker Barrel Fans Mourn Mourn the Loss of That Old-Timey Feeling
–– Particularly crackers.
Shrimpers sue 25 South Carolina restaurants over alleged 'shrimp fraud'
–– Marvel at how tiny creatures got their bank account passwords.
Don't Make This Rude Mistake at Restaurants That Servers Absolutely Hate—Chances Are, You're Doing It!
–– And absolutely loving it!
We Asked 4 Chefs the Best Way to Cook Corn on the Cob—They All Said the Same Thing
–– ‘F**k off!’
Swamp Potatoes and Sausage
–– Isn’t that slang for possum droppings?
A Cheat Sheet For Where To Eat During The Edinburgh Fringe Festival
–– Who are you cheating?
Atlanta drivers have been losing thousands to ‘water boys’ — here's how the sneaky water-bottle scam works
–– Drink it in.
The bizarre true story of Disney’s failed US history theme park
–– Where all Presidents were cartoon animals like Franklin Perch, Woodcock Wilson, Herbert Hoofer, Ronald Racoon, George W. Bush Baby, Barack Opossum.
Idaho murders suspect Bryan Kohberger accepts plea deal avoiding death penalty, sources claim
–– No Kohberger with fry?
Bryan Kohberger Returned to Scene Before Bodies Were Found — Then Took a Grinning Selfie
–– Only slightly less grim then average selfie.
It moves like a cat, climbs like a primate and spends much of its time high up in trees — meet the world's weirdest, most rule-breaking canine of the dog world
–– We call ‘im Freaky Fox!
Is this the world's weirdest ocean animal? Known as unicorns of the sea they're the size of shipping containers and have a tooth two-thirds the size of their body
–– And go by nickname Buck.
Watch tiny cubs hitch ride on mom’s back as she crosses MA reservoir. ‘How sweet’
–– Until bears maul, drown Mrs. McCarthy, mother of 3.
Meet the Oropouche virus. It may be visiting your city soon.
–– Please make it welcome in your blood stream.
Scientists sink cow 1,629m into South China Sea, then gigantic animal appears out of the gloom
–– Subject of much de bait.
National Geographic’s ‘Sharkfest’ Returns: When and Where to Watch It Online for Free Without Cable
–– And without guilt?
This Whale Died Decades Ago. Its Carcass Is Now the Ocean’s Hottest Housing Complex.
–– Gray Whale Gardens boasts 1 BDRM units w/ infinity pool.
Scientists May Have Found the Blueprint of the Human Body at the Bottom of the Ocean
–– And it’s really really wet.
Chilling images emerge from remote Australia - exposing a government project
–– Pile after pile of stacked reports.
Your Eyes Are Tricking You. Everything You See Is From 15 Seconds in the Past, Research Suggests
–– Impossible, we stopped reading headline 25 seconds ago.
Scientists successfully sequenced the oldest Egyptian DNA. Here’s what they found.
–– Had tendency towards innie navel, urine might smell after eating asparagus.
Quantum Physics Is Nonsense
–– Phew! Now we don’t have to take that adult ed course.
Planetary defense system spots interstellar object
–– Dispatch Flash and Dale to see if Ming is responsible.
We are eating the Earth. The result will be catastrophic.
–– Dirty mouths?
'The Great Dying' mass extinction was a warning from the trees, study says
–– Trees are such downers.
Canada races to build icebreakers amid melting ice and geopolitical tensions
–– Shouldn’t it be racing to build jet-skis?
G.O.P. Bill Adds Surprise Tax That Could Cripple Wind and Solar Power
–– So-called 'Oil ❤️ you!' provision.
–– Nap/tuck.
Michael Madsen, actor of ‘Kill Bill’ and ‘Reservoir Dogs’ fame, dead at 67
–– Dump Blonde.
Virginia Madsen Says ‘I Miss My Big Brother’ After Michael Madsen’s Death: ‘I’ll Miss Our Inside Jokes, the Sudden Laughter, the Sound of Him’
–– Helps the Madsen go down.
