The F**k-all Finger of Fate
Week of 11/06/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump elevates hardliner Stephen Miller as chief of staff after midterm defeat
–– Reaches absolute bottom of barrel.
DNC Vice Chair: “We Had to Hit the Bottom”
–– Who’s?
Susie Wiles Is the Latest Powerful Woman to Exit the Trump Administration
–– Were all bad, should’ve gone, misogyny beside point.
After Midterm Drubbing, Trump and Republicans Start Pointing Fingers
–– After collectively removing from asses…
Trump Emerges After the Midterms: ‘Did You Guys See the Helipad?’
–– … while Trump pointed his at ballroom.
Trump admin says White House ballroom 'beyond the point of no return' in Supreme Court appeal
–– Will return absolutely nothing to nation.
Trump pulls back curtain on White House ballroom’s fortress-like defenses above and deep below
–– Where he will be sequestered on January 20, 2029.
Vance blames Republicans’ midterm losses on Iran war, cost of living
–– As top two in list of 100 despised Administration policies.
Hegseth’s ‘fight, fight, fight’ video pours fuel on impeachment flames
–– Punchable face reaches punchable phase.
Candy and Smiles on MS NOW, and Some Regrets on Fox News
–– With caramel-dipped crow?
Iran takes a victory lap over stunning US election results, claims 'collapse has accelerated'
–– 'Obliterated' like their nuclear program?
NBC News star Steve Kornacki explains why he abruptly walked off set during live election coverage
–– Had to drop a ‘VP.’
It Only Took Four Months to Destroy Lindsey Graham’s Legacy
–– One he spent decade pissing away?
Harmeet Dhillon resigns as head of Justice Dept.’s civil rights division
–– Just read definition of ‘civil rights.’
He’s the Most Powerful Democrat in Washington. Is He Up to the Job?
–– Can he Hakeem it?
Chuck Schumer after sweeping Democratic midterm victories: 'I'll be re-elected as majority leader'
–– Democrats should chuck.
Trump says US is cutting off aid to Israel at year’s end because ‘they don’t need it’
–– Let us guess. More שְׁטוּיוֹת?
‘Like a bolt from the blue’: Israel’s president shocked by Trump announcing end of aid
–– More like a bull from a shit.
Threats, Gaffes and Men’s Posteriors: Trump’s Talk Gets Wilder
–– He is expert on a-holes.
Judge Rejects Trump Officials’ Move to Challenge Alaska Senate Election
–– Poller bare.
Michigan man charged with threatening to kill FBI Director Kash Patel
–– Kash and carry-out?
Democrat Haley Stevens breaks with her party to endorse Michigan Republican Senate nominee
–– Check her offshore bank account.
Stevens is embracing MAGA because her feelings got hurt
–– Haley, 'bleep' 'er.
Trump touted his Reflecting Pool success. But new problems are visible.
–– Reflecting poo.
Judge blocks construction of Trump’s arch within an hour of its final approval
–– Fallen arch?
Trump says he’s declaring Oval Office and Cabinet Room national landmarks to prevent future changes
–– Gild by association?
U.S. Attorney Who Oversaw Centerpiece of Trump’s Revenge Campaign Resigns
–– Believed, 'Revenge is dish best served clod.'
Melania Forced To Sleep In Separate Room From Trump Over His Bedtime Habit Amid Reports Their Marriage Is ‘Complicated
–– ‘Forced?!!’
Supreme Court Shows Sympathy for Catholic Schools in Case on LGBTQ Protections
–– What happen when you allow SIX Catholics on bench.
Republicans rammed through Supreme Court nominees. Now Democrats will have the votes to stop them
–– Can go all Mitch McConnell on 'em.
Officials condemn planned Philadelphia boycott of Jewish-owned businesses as antisemitic
–– Or ‘define it precisely.’
Harris advises Democrats against attempting to impeach Trump
–– Another brilliant idea.
Iowa’s New Governor Was a Prada Boy
–– Iowa Republicans think that means he worked for Soviet-run newspaper.
Sen. Susan Collins Says She Was ‘Caught Up in the Trump Tsunami’ After Losing Senate Seat She Held for 30 Years
–– If any hypocrite deserved to be washed out…
Russia says responding to US report of planned attack on Moscow
–– Why doesn’t Trump just sent US battalion to guard Putin?
Anthony Scaramucci Says Trump Has Done ‘Everything Putin Has Wanted,’ From Ukraine Military Aid Freeze to Starlink Restrictions: ‘How Can You Not See the Link?’
–– 'I mean, just drop the 'Star.'
Trump touted a record Venezuela oil deal. Now reality is setting in
–– Let us guess. More mierda?
Crypto Was Supposed to Be Unhackable. So How Did North Korea Just Steal $6 Billion in 20 Minutes?
–– Let us guess. More 엉터리?
Michael Burry says Anthropic is 'betting its entire existence' on optimism, and he has no plans to own the stock
–– In latest slang for 'sheer delusion.'
Not Even Tech’s Safest Jobs Look So Safe Anymore
–– Meaning AI is runaway success!
‘The nail that sticks out gets hammered first’: Elon Musk’s net worth falls $113 billion from Tesla and SpaceX drops
–– Get out the sledge.
Salon, a Pioneer of Digital Journalism, Shuts Down
–– Salon die job.
Joe Rogan warns 'woke' ideology is replacing God on the left and entering into Christianity
–– If you’re getting your theology from comic you deserve your cartoon Hell.
Martha Stewart apologizes for dressing as homeless person in second statement on controversial Halloween costume
–– Refreshing that rich have reached ‘mocking the poor’ stage.
Paul Bettany blew out 10 blood vessels in his eye while ‘wildly overacting’ on “VisionQuest”
–– As emotionless android?
Dustin Hoffman Says Filming 'The Graduate' Was a 'Terrible Experience' and Director Mike Nichols Made Katharine Ross Slap Him 27 Times for a Scene He 'Didn't Even Use'
–– Imagining how insufferable Dusty must’ve been, we applaud.
Johnny Depp will only return to ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ for 1 purpose
–– And he wants check to one of those oversized Publishers Clearinghouse numbers.
Dame Judi Dench says it was Daniel Craig’s idea to have her killed off from Bond films
–– M bop.
All of the Actors Who Portrayed Male Crew Members in ‘Alien’ Have Now Died
–– This week in ‘Trivia that redefines trivial.’
Eric Dane nearly fought ‘p‑‑‑y-ass actor’ Josh Duhamel on “Las Vegas” set
–– For impersonating twin?
'Bachelor' alum and ‘DWTS’ winner Melissa Rycroft arrested on suspicion of DWI, her second in a year
–– Dancing With Inebriation?
Heidi Klum Dressed Up as a Severed Human Hand for Her Annual Halloween Party
–– Someone needs to cut her off.
Madonna, 68, Looks Unrecognizable in Couples Halloween Costume With Boyfriend Akeem Morris, 30
–– To his delight.
Nicole Kidman’s Fresh Fringe Is “Cool Without Trying”
–– How'd you describe nearly-60-year-old's ‘Benjamin Button’ anti-aging creme?
Bob Dylan, 85, Meets With Pope Leo XIV in Rare Public Appearance
–– Rare? Pope setting off on tour of South America, Dylan's been on tour since before flood.
Why Brady Bunch Star Robert Reed Refused To Shoot A Scene With Strawberries
–– Afraid of being upstaged.
Michael Mann Accidentally Shoots Himself at L.A. Gun Range
–– Carrying Heat.
Sydney Sweeney reportedly set to join Ellen DeGeneres in celebrity Cotswolds enclave
–– ‘Join’? ‘Enclave?’ Oh, do tell!
Russell Brand Found Guilty of Rape and Sexual Assault at London Trial
–– Brand icks.
Meghan Markle’s father arrested in California child pornography investigation
–– Prince Hairy.
Knicks star says Taylor Swift is the ‘fakest celebrity’ fan: ‘It’s a little performative’
–– Not dribbling with excitement?
LIV Golf is done after 5 years and $5 billion spent dividing the sport
–– The LIVin’ end?
‘I never thought you’d do it to me’: Inside Troy Aikman and Joe Buck’s ESPN unraveling
–– Roughing the patsy?
Noel Gallagher Says He Wears 2 Pairs of Underpants When He Performs to Prevent ‘Leaks’
–– Resists urge to piss on audience.
Should Men Pee Sitting Down or Standing Up? Here's What New Research Says.
–– Somewhere in-between.
What your body is trying to tell you when you keep waking up at 3am
–– ‘We gotta pee!’
He Felt Stuck in New York. So He Started Walking to California
–– This week in 'where's that nut again?'
This Swanky Service Lets Commercial Fliers Skip the Airport Entirely—And It's Now Available in Dallas and Miami
–– While missing their plane!
Why Is Everyone So Mad at Gandhi?
–– Lost all that weight without GLP-1s?
‘I perfected deception’: My secret life as a relapsed alcoholic
–– Actually too drunk to realize everyone was onto you.
We got married. Then he came out as bi. Now what?
–– Afraid he’ll trim beard?
Scientists Are Studying What People See Right Before They Die, and the Results Are Eerie
–– Elizabeth Holmes in glowing raiments.
Lean Into Chocolate Brown Coats to Look Sumptuous as the Weather Drops
–– And look like over-stuffed bon-bon.
I Asked 5 Chefs for the Worst Day To Dine Out—and Now I'll Always Avoid This One
–– National E. coli Day.
Shop fridges and freezers across Europe hit by fresh suspected cyber-attack
–– Spoils of cyberwar?
4 Foods You Shouldn't Cook in a Cast Iron Skillet
–– 2) Cast of Ironman.
5 Holiday Entertaining Trends That Will Be Everywhere in 2026
–– 3. Telling relatives to pay for own damn' gifts.
Woman Makes an Incredible Discovery Behind the Fireplace in Her 136-Year-Old Cottage
–– Her husband!
Inmates drew portraits of shelter dogs. Then the adoptions began.
–– Will sketches by dogs of inmates spur paroles?
Tourists drawn to Indonesia's whale sharks boost villagers' earnings
–– Particularly for morticians.
Was the British King Who Urged the Romans to Invade Actually a Queen? One Archaeologist Thinks So
–– Said to have discovered ‘stunning gown and fabulous wig.’
As Most of England Relaxed Its Stance on Witchcraft, One Hardline City Bucked the Trend. It Even Went After 'Service Magicians,' Who Used Magic to Investigate Petty Crimes
–– And fixed leaks without tools.
Here’s What the Inca Gave Children Before Sacrificing Them on Volcanoes
–– Chocolate lava cake!
Florida Shattered Rain Records This Week. Was That Just a Preview?
–– Wets our appetites.
Desert icons collapse as southwestern US gets pummeled with rain and flooding
–– Hoodoo you blame?
’Star Trek’ Star Gates McFadden Pays Tribute to Patrick Stewart: His Portrayal of Jean-Luc Picard Gave People Hope Around the World
–– Heavens, Gates!
Martin Blinder Has Died. He Was Blamed for the ‘Twinkie Defense.’
–– Came to sugary end.
