Flunkhead
Week of 09/11/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump’s Grand Midterm Convention Finale: ‘I’m a Little Bit Tired of Politics’
–– We’re f**king exhausted with his.
Oil Prices Surge as Stocks and Bonds Wobble
–– Like Jenga tower in earthquake.
Trump’s Ability to Channel Voter Concerns Is Tested as Republicans Gather in Dallas
–– Channel to his alimentary canal.
Trump tells GOP faithful to ‘pretend I’m on the ticket’ as he closes out convention
–– And pretend he’s legitimate president.
Trump makes an extraordinary offer of $5,000 payments, and other takeaways from RNC convention’s first night
–– He should be taken away.
–– Seats and heads.
Crowd chants "JD 48" during Vance's GOP convention address
–– Will take 4800 JDs to prosecute this administration.
JD Vance embraces tricky role as Trump’s midterm messenger — and potential successor
–– How does massive boil remove self from host's posterior?
Supreme Court Again Blocks Republican-Backed Missouri Voting Map
–– ‘Disappointed’ it was drawn in crayon.
Trump announces $500 checks for Americans for alleged overcharge under Obamacare
–– If potential recipients swear he's sexier than Obama.
Trump trashes Ken Paxton in convention speech meant to boost his Senate chances
–– You’d think abusive, corrupt felon would be his kinda guy.
Saudi Arabian oil pipeline system hit by projectiles triggering fires
–– Sheikhs rattle and roll.
Saudi Arabia has few options as it faces mounting threats from Iran and its allies
–– Can't dismember-a-journalist-their-way out of this.
Fuel prices at record Labor Day high in US thanks to Iran War and refinery issues
–– Or 'gratitude, Mr. Trump.'
Former labor secretary misused funds and drank on the job, report finds
–– No illicit pole dancing?
Diesel costs more than $6 a gallon for the first time. Here’s how that affects you
–– Longer waits for goods delivered by mule.
Elevated Inflation Keeps Pressure on Fed to Raise Rates
–– If Trump pressure on Warsh’s neck not greater.
Trump’s ‘Catch-Me-If-You-Can’ presidency keeps finding ways around the law
–– And he can't run half as fast as Leo DiCaprio.
She Was Given Up for Dead, Then a Faint Cry Came From the Depths of the Mud
–– Thus Natalie Harp became Trump’s closest aide.
AP says it will refer to Lake Ontario by its original name, despite Trump’s order
–– Will they now refer to him as Canadian Gangster?
Trump shares map that renames New Mexico as ‘New America’
–– And Mar-a-Lago as Sea-to-Lake?
‘I Am Weary of Excessive Expectations About Democracy’
–– Oh, are you, poor widdle pundit?
NYC Mayor Mamdani releases 9/11 records showing officials misled New Yorkers about air quality around Ground Zero
–– City should've held its breath.
Cancer’s toll on 9/11 survivors is accelerating 25 years later
–– Ground Zeroed out.
Sniping ex-staffers. Party politics. John Fetterman could lose.
–– Not skewed judgment, brain damage?
Philadelphia Inquirer editorial tears into Fetterman: ‘Still an embarrassment’
–– And still crazy after all these years.
Dan McKee becomes first governor in 8 years to lose primary
–– No McKee to success.
For Trump’s Former Fixer, a Tortured Path From ‘Rat’ to Reconciliation
–– If 'reconciliation' synonym for 'reptile.'
Americans Without College Degrees Are Having One of the Best Job Markets in Years
–– So are drones at beehive.
Houthis Seize Strategic Red Sea Port, a Major Victory for Iranian Ally
–– Houthi hell do they think they are?
AfD just won 44% in a German state. Now Germany's firewall faces its biggest test.
–– Yeah, they’re D AF.
Iceland summons US ambassador after Trump posts map showing island under American flag
–– And just to basically mock this boob.
The 'Godfather of AI' says it's not 'unreasonable' to believe there's a 10% chance the technology will end humanity
–– 90% chance it will debase it.
Cyberattack by Rogue AI Swarm Stokes Fears of Out-of-Control Agents
–– Tin Man in White House will protect us.
Anthropic CEO calls for ‘pacing the frontier’ of AI race amid safety concerns
–– In latest slang for 'slamming on brakes.'
Kimmel Says Trump’s FCC Has Threatened Show, So His James Talarico Interview Will Air On YouTube Instead Of ABC
–– Fewer Carr ads?
The Next James Bond Has Been Picked, Says Gary Oldman, Whose ‘Fingers Are Crossed’ for ‘Slow Horses’ Co-Star Jack Lowden
–– Has Jack lowdown?
Boycott? Portuguese artists cancel shows at Seinfeld-headlined festival
–– Pastel de nada.
I’m Tired Just Hearing Robert Pattinson’s Take On Having Four Movies Come Out In One Year
–– Everything about his career pretty draining.
Suki Waterhouse Says She’d Be ‘Nepo-Babying’ Her Daughter With Robert Pattinson if She Wanted to Work in Hollywood
–– More like nopetism.
Maxwell Caulfield says 18-year age gap with ‘Elephant Man’ costar Juliet Mills ‘didn’t occur to me’ before 1980 marriage
–– She’s a little saggy, but calling her ‘Elephant Man’ costar, geez…
Dave Franco Says Playing ‘A**holes’ Early on Changed How People See Him
–– How about being one?
Henry Winkler Addresses Ongoing Tension with Tom Hanks: ‘I Am Still Working on My Perspective’
–– We’re ready for Grumpy Old Men remake.
Lilly Wachowski Has Some Words for Harry Potter Fans
–– Thank God we don’t have to listen.
Sandra Bullock Rejected 'Every Pervert' in Auditions 'Asking Me to Drop My Pants' and Stopped Acting in Rom-Coms When 'I Was Getting So Much S— For Them'
–– Didn't bollix up career?
Candace Cameron Bure recounts ‘shameful’ moment she attended ‘dark and demonic’ S&M party with husband
–– Dressed like Hillary Clinton, tied up and violated hubby pretending to be schoolboy in pizza parlor.
After 9/11, New York movies like ‘Men in Black II’ were never the same
–– Yeah, was its generation’s Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
I Will Never Unsee George W. Bush’s 9/11 Paintings, and I Regrettably Wish the Same for You
–– Have to admit he's as good a painter as President.
Isla Fisher reveals post-divorce ‘dating ick’ that made guy ‘lose the p——-‘
–– Pencil? Pickle? Penguin?
Chris Hansen Calls ‘Primetime’ an “Insult,” Has No Regrets About ‘Predator’ Sting That Ended in Suicide
–– Was it autoerotic ass fixation?
Sebastian Stan on Why 'Fjord' Is Being Called a 'MAGA Movie' and How Making 'The Batman 2' Feels Like 'F—ing Godfather Part 2'
–– If Godfather Part 2 was dircted by Fredo.
‘One Day at a Time' star Mackenzie Phillips reveals why she’s been celibate for 15 years
–– We get it.
Sharon Stone Shares She Has Been Celibate for ‘Quite a While,’ Wants to Be With ‘Someone That I care for’
–– Little harder to understand.
Ella Beatty Talks About Coming from the ‘Most Loving’ Hollywood Family, as Fans Marvel at Resemblance to Aunt Shirley MacLaine
–– Inasmuch as there is none.
Brad Pitt says he 'can't watch porn' for one very valid reason
–– Most of performers remind him of ex-wife.
‘Human Centipede’ Director Tom Six Addresses Career Collapse, Impending Death: “These Are My Final Words”
–– Six them on us.
Josh Hartnett Reveals He Was “Actively Not Looking to Do a TV Show” Before Joining ‘Below’
–– Seeing him in it, that’s apparently still case.
Martin Herlihy Exits ‘SNL’ After Five Seasons
–– Entertainment news equivalent of dog lost in neighborhood.
Pink Explains Slamming Macklemore's Pro-Palestine Performances, Acknowledges Heavy Backlash: 'I'm Standing Up for My Own People, and I Thought I Knew How Lonely That Would Be. It's Lonelier Than That'
–– Shanah tovah.
Susan Sarandon says film offers have dried up due to her political beliefs
–– Now 79, she's been in seven movies since '24. Dang Zionists!
‘Phoebe Bridgers, the Gallagher brothers and more stars arrive at the 2026 Venice Film Festival
–– All those screen immortals.
Rick Springfield Says He Killed a Man While Entertaining Troops During Vietnam War
–– Jessie’s Girl drove poor bastard to suicide.
Remember when pro-wrestler Chyna flipped the script on red carpet fashion?
–– If so, reexamine life.
The crowd wanted Coco Gauff but got Elena Rybakina instead
— Is that how competitive sports can work?
He’s 87 and Has Never Taken a RMD From His 401(k). Here’s His Secret.
–– PBJs thrice daily.
Many treatments promise relief from tinnitus. Here’s what actually helps.
–– This has familiar ring to it.
This Common Part of Your Daily Life Could Be Causing Erectile Dysfunction
–– Looking at your mate.
How Can I Tell if Someone Dislikes Me?
–– We’ve met, they do.
How Gross Is It to Rewear Pajamas? Health Experts and Dermatologists Weigh In
–– Utterly, but only if you do so while leaving your house.
I Tried Drinking Olive Oil Every Day for a Week and This Is What Happened to My Body
–– Popeye couldn't keep away from it.
Experts studied the world’s longest-living people – and found something incredible about their drinking habits
–– They regularly drink wine which of course, also kills them.
Never Buy Bananas if You See This Red Flag
–– So not if in China?
We Asked Servers What Diners Should Never Order or Use At a Restaurant––and Some of Their Answers Are Pretty Gross
–– Chopsticks that were in waitress' dirty hair.
Why Five Guys Gives Customers So Many French Fries
–– Family motto, 'Quantity not Quality.'
Jacques Pépin Says This Is the Right Way to Crack an Egg – and Experts Agree
–– You need French chef to tell you? Oeuf!
EPCOT Fans Mourn the Loss of a Beloved Disney Dining Option
–– Trash can dining. Honest.
Dispute over hair length leads to soldier pulling gun on fellow guardsman, police say
–– Felt he didn't do his part?
Mother charged after 5-year-old walks to pond alone, stirring parenting debate
–– Ridiculous unless it was this one.
Plane with Amazon logo crashes outside Miami airport
–– Blue Origin would’ve been more appropriate.
Lindsay Clancy juror says holdout ‘admitted he had reasonable doubt’
–– Sounds unreasonable no doubt.
–– In loony bin that is Florida.
Federal jury in Los Angeles acquits Grammy-winning rapper Lil Durk in murder-for-hire case
–– Dug up a Lil Durk?
Former Louisiana mayor completes 90-day jail term for raping 16-year-old boy
–– Won't run for reerection.
This deadly creature nicknamed the ‘Death Star’ grows up to 50 ‘bear trap’ arms to snare its prey
–– Antarctic star sunfish lives in -2ºC waters –– what kind of bear?
“Males bite the female’s aorta to deliver TTX. This sudden paralysis renders her immobile, enabling the male to mate successfully without being eaten.”
–– Takes necking to whole other level.
They hide in the nooks and crannies of our beds, then come out at night to slurp up our blood like a smoothie…" 8 animals that could be in your bed
–– 8. Sheet Dogs, 7. Cat Naps, 6. Shamsters, 5. Twin Pikes, 4. Dream Weevils, 3. Counting Sheep, 2. Cot Fish, 1. Pigs in a Blanket.
An elephant-like animal was discovered in this gigantic underwater cave. And that’s not all
–– Tons of wet peanuts.
Well-preserved tooth from Pacific mastodon found in a creek in San Francisco Bay Area
–– In well-preserved Ichthyosaur’s ass.
A Finnish Metal Detectorist Was Shocked to Unearth a Trove of Viking Age Silver in His Hometown. Then His Detector Went Off Again
–– Had forgotten to remove cock ring.
The Vikings mutilated and maimed their defeated enemies. So why did Alfred the Great spare their leader?
–– Those pretty blue eyes.
Lost city where Jesus performed miracles has finally been identified, expert says
–– Lost Vegas?
Archaeologists Excavating a Roman-Era Cemetery in Poland Were Surprised to Stumble Upon a 5,000-Year-Old Necklace Made of 42 Teeth
–– As one would expect they'd be.
Federal court rules against Trump order keeping Michigan coal plant running
–– Directs current inventory be delivered to Trump's stocking for Christmas.
Inside the failed mission to eliminate FEMA
–– Couldn’t respond to tempest in teapot.
Nina Shipman, Actress in 'The Oregon Trail' and 'The Munsters,' Dies at 88
–– Shipped off.
