Bondi Beached
Week of 04/03/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Pam Bondi Wanted a Graceful Exit. But Trump Wanted Her Gone.
–– After graceless entry, disgraced tenure?
This Is What Happens When the Gas Runs Out
–– You stall.
Pam Bondi ousted as attorney general, source says
–– Her word was her Bondi.
Todd Blanche takes over the Justice Department, where there’s no escaping the Epstein files shadow
–– Blanche dubiouse.
Congressman Alleges Trump Fired Bondi To Prevent Her From Testifying About Epstein
–– Good a guess as any.
Whitney Cummings says Ghislaine Maxwell is 'probably trying to not hang herself' in prison
–– Slip not!
Trump requests record-breaking budget of $1.5 trillion for Pentagon
–– Isn't more efficient to Zelle $1 bil payments directly to military contractors?
Trump says US can't fund Medicare, Medicaid, and day care because ‘we're fighting wars’
–– Must prioritize death.
Hegseth’s firing of a top general is the latest sign of Pentagon turmoil
–– 5-star f**k-up.
Hegseth Says U.S. Troops Are Fighting for Jesus. The Pope Disagrees.
–– Jesus, 'I'd rather get nailed again.'
Oil surges and stocks fall as Trump Iran war speech fails to calm nerves
–– Like 12-pack of Rockstar Xdurance Energy Drink at bedtime.
Oil prices jump after Trump demands others ‘take the lead’ on Strait of Hormuz
–– Will he provide mop to clean up spill he made?
Wild Ultimatums and ‘Bombing Our Little Hearts Out’: A Portrait of Trump at War
–– Heart not little, it’s non-existent.
Trump: U.S. will bomb Iran "back to stone ages" over next 2-3 weeks
–– Last one was 2016 to 2020.
Destruction of vital US radar aircraft could hamper ability to spot Iran threats, analysts say
–– That tracks.
Iran-backed Houthis enter war with missile strike against Israel
–– From Houthiville?
The US economy added a higher-than-expected 178,000 jobs last month
–– Believe it… or not.
Trump Tells Karoline Leavitt ‘You’re Doing a Terrible Job’ While Complaining About Bad Publicity
–– C’mon, she’s lying as fast as she can.
Trump shrugs off an attack on U.S. lives. The reason has a name.
–– Pee-pee tape.
Lindsey Graham responds after photos show him at Disney World
–– In Goofy costume.
Peter Alexander Exits NBC News After 20 Years
–– Can media blame Bari Weiss?
'Today' Announces Major Shake-Up With Co-Anchor Exiting After 22 Years
–– Will NBC go for another minority hire like him?
JD Vance warns that extraterrestrials are demons: 'I'm going to get to the bottom of this'
–– How actually insane are these people?
Bill Maher says he ‘respects’ Trump for attempting to block his Kennedy Center honor
–– Offers to reenact Raging Bull scene with him as DeNiro.
Trump ballroom: Bulletproof, drone-proof, with military in basement
–– Drone-proof, so he can’t get in?
Judge halts construction on Trump’s White House ballroom
–– But only because it's totally illegal.
The Internet Is Having A Field Day After Donald Trump Literally Said He "Doesn't Believe In Building Libraries"
–– What's stance on burning books?
Trump’s former White House lawyer says he is ‘clearly insane’ and questions the president’s mental fitness
–– Ty Cobb hits it out of park.
Golden toilet statue on Mall pays faux tribute to Trump renovations
–– Truly appropriate when loaded.
Rev. Franklin Graham Tells Trump His 'Soul Is Secure' After He Fundraised for Help Getting to Heaven
–– He's keeping in thimble wadded with cotton.
White House deletes video footage from Easter event where Trump was compared to Jesus
–– Will be good Friday when he's crucified.
Will the next William Henry Harrison please stand up?
–– Wasn’t he known for lying down?
The Epstein Files About 13-Year-Old Trump Accuser Kept Secret
–– If only lips were sealed.
Epstein Class Had a Signature Weakness
–– For young girls!
What the Birthright Case Is Really About
–– Um, uh, blatant racism?
Takeaways from the Supreme Court decision on Colorado law banning ‘conversion therapy’ for trans and gay minors
–– 1. Nothing straight about this Court.
Shocking pictures of Kristi’s cross-dressing husband flaunting giant fake breasts revealed — sparking grave security questions
–– Tempest in D-cup?
Kristi Noem weighs in on report husband lives cross-dressing double life: ‘The family was blindsided by this’
–– Plastic surgery, augmentation, sexual deviancy always her things.
Kristi Noem's Husband Allegedly Told Model His Wife Was Having Affair with Her Adviser: 'There's Nothing I Can Do About It'
–– Who could compete with this guy?
The lonely photographs of Bryon Noem
–– Only fake boobs to keep him warm.
Trump Education Secretary Bluntly Tells Fox News How ‘Terribly’ American Kids Are Doing in School
–– Raising MAGA’s next generation.
Trump Suggests He’s Getting Ready to Throw in the Towel on His Surgeon General Nominee Amid Heavy Criticism of Her Qualifications
–– And sponge, forceps, scalpel.
Justice Alito Was Taken to the Hospital Last Month in Undisclosed Incident
–– Feared whatever brain-eating disease he’s got was contagious.
Mamdani and Curtis Sliwa Performed a Skit. N.Y. Republicans Are Livid.
–– Always known for livid large.
What Happens When Mamdani Stops Being Polite
–– And actually tries to do something? Anything?
Russian court convicts German sculptor in absentia for depicting Putin and patriarch in sex act
–– Insult to impotent thugs everywhere.
Behind the lobster merch, China’s latest tech obsession could be a game changer
–– Claws and effect?
South Korea president says Iran war shows the need to ditch ‘extremely risky’ fossil fuels
–– It's not like we'd light cigarette near them.
Nick Cannon Calls the Democratic Party the ‘Party of the KKK’ and Says ‘I F— With Trump’
–– With all those kids, guess he did f**k brains out.
Rob Schneider Says the U.S. 'Must Restore the Military Draft' Amid Iran War: 'These Freedoms That We Cherish Do Not Come Without Cost'
–– Like right of old, unfunny prick who’d never serve, to advocate for getting innocent kids killed?
David Alan Grier auditioned to play George on Seinfeld but didn't think show was funny: 'This will never be a hit'
–– Why Grier's household name.
Zendaya Says Tom Holland ‘Is My Person Because I Don’t Feel Nervous Around’ Him, Which Started at ‘Spider-Man’ Audition: ‘He Did Make Me Feel Calm’
–– We think of him as human Xanax.
Meryl Streep Criticizes 'Chick Flick' Label on Devil Wears Prada as Sequel Nears Release
–– Afraid of offending gays?
Kim Novak Criticizes Sydney Sweeney Casting in ‘Scandalous!’: “She Was Totally Wrong to Play Me”
–– Won’t be Picnic.
Gina Gershon says she turned down ‘Friday the 13th’ role because of topless death scene: ‘Exploitation 101’
–– Waited to wave around bare boobies for career suicide scenes in Showgirls.
Pete Davidson takes a major loss on his Staten Island condo after 4 years on the market
–– Had to offer six-figure credit for detoxing.
’Project Hail Mary' Author Andy Weir Says Paramount Rejected His 'Star Trek' Pitch: Their “Shows Are Sh**”
–– Or ‘on brand.’
Here’s Why You Might Wanna Watch The ‘Project Hail Mary’ Credits
–– Instead of whole movie.
Filming on ‘Tomb Raider’ Paused After Star Sophie Turner Suffers “Minor Injury”
–– Ankle Turner?
Megan Thee Stallion Hospitalized in New York After Exiting ‘Moulin Rouge! The Musical’ Mid-Performance
–– At Veterinary Hospital?
Disney's Robot Olaf Dying Is the Funniest Thing to Happen in 2026
–– Iced.
Lili Reinhart Says a ‘Male Director Came Up to Me’ on Set and Said: ‘Just Suck in Your Stomach a Little Bit’
–– Maybe she should just suck it up a little bit.
Penny Lancaster and Rod Stewart's statuesque son, 20, looks unrecognisable after long blonde hair transformation
–– Both unrecognisable?
Gucci Mane Allegedly Kidnapped, Robbed In “Armed Takeover” By Pooh Shiesty And Big30, DOJ Says
–– Sound like Pooh feisty.
Courtney Love Recalls Visit with 'Repulsive' Marlon Brando, Who She Thought for Years Was Her Grandfather
–– She got repulsiveness gene somewhere.
Bigfoot community reeling as new documentary casts doubt on iconic footage of mythic creature
–– Was already pretty unsteady on big feet.
Vanessa Trump issues fierce ultimatum to boyfriend Tiger Woods after shocking DUI arrest: report
–– If our girlfriend was Don Jr.’s ex we’d have driven straight for brick wall.
Help! My Favorite Athlete Is an Idiot.
–– Sounds like perfect match.
Tiger Woods announces he's stepping away 'for a period of time' to seek treatment after crash
–– But can sports writers still endlessly fantasize about you winning Masters again?
Why Didi Tiger Woods Call Trump From the Scene of His DUI Crash
–– Needed reassurance he wasn’t biggest a-hole in America.
Renoir, Cezanne and Matisse paintings stolen from Italian museum in 3-minute heist
–– Paint barely dry.
Why Catholicism is drawing in Gen Z men
–– Gen Alpha boys?
Full network of clitoral nerves mapped out for first time
–– Research ‘on the button.’
How Long Should You Be Able to Hold a Plank? Here’s How You Compare by Age
–– With one hand? Two? While stroking?
Bald is beautiful. Why finally cutting it all off feels so good
–– Yeah, baby.
Why is my kindergartner watching ‘KPop Demon Hunters’ in school?
–– Lazy-ass teachers.
Rethinking Thoreau: We’ve Been Mispronouncing His Name for Centuries
–– Claim scholars too thorough for own good.
The Mystifying Syndrome That Makes People Spontaneously Drunk
–– According to those charged with DUI.
He Suddenly Shuffled When He Walked. Why?
–– Something he heard?
The Dogma of Meat
–– Dog meat?
I Tried Every Popular Potato for Mashing—Here’s the Best One to Use
–– This on Mashable?
The Lost Art of Meatloaf
–– A portrait in ketchup.
The Reclusive 94-Year-Old Who Just Sold His Food Empire for $29 Billion
–– As opposed to all 94-year-old men about town.
McDonald’s Almost Sold This Fruity Sandwich Instead Of The Filet-O-Fish
–– It was during Ronald’s glam period.
The Trader Joe's Cheese I Wait All Year For Is Finally Back
–– And kinda green a year later.
I Asked 4 Chefs To Name The Best Fast Food Hot Dog, And I Can’t Believe the Winner
–– My Mama?!
I Asked 5 Chefs the Secret to the Best Chicken Marinade––They All Said the Same Thing
–– Shove it where?!
Do You Really Need to Peel Asparagus?
–– Absolutely, along with peas, goldfish, eyeballs.
They’re Plus-Size and Kind of Famous at Disney World
–– Like Maxie Mouse.
My mom, the cult leader: ‘She told us what to wear, when to pray, how we would have sex. We were prisoners’
–– When to call every Sunday!
Jen Shah Talks Her Prison Friendship With Elizabeth Holmes and How "Poop Duty" Brought Them Closer Together
–– Theranos words…
Jen Shah Says Prison Mate Ghislaine Maxwell Had ‘Complete Disregard’ for Jeffrey Epstein Victims
–– Still on poop duty.
I wrote a letter to the world’s most famous terrorist – and nothing could have prepared me for his reply
–– Even Carlos the Jackal thought guy was creep.
A Visit to the Unabomber Cabin, 30 Years After the Arrest
–– Strangest Vrbo listing.
Sick passenger dies mid-flight after cabin crew forgets to attach mask to oxygen tank, suit says
–– Crew explains mask was always unattached when they did demo in aisle.
Before an elevator door severed her arm, tenants complained about safety
–– Who'll shoulder blame?
Russian man sentenced to 4 years in UK prison for assault witnessed on video by Barron Trump
–– Must've looked like home movies.
When Coyotes Threatened Livestock on Central Texas Ranches, the Solution Was to Unlock an Ancient Ability in Dogs
–– Marksmanship.
”They can stand up to 9 feet tall and weigh over a whopping 24 stone." 11 bonkers, rule-breaking birds that can't fly
–– 11. Stooping Crane, 10. Emoose, 9. Acrophoebes, 8. Sitting Duck, 7. Dead Parrot, 6. Nightinjail, 5. Punk Flamingo, 4. Rhea Mortis, 3. Notso Swift, 2. Bittern Pill, 1. Pelicant.
"It has – proportionally – the longest penis in the animal kingdom. The human equivalent would be a man impregnating his neighbour via the letterbox.”
–– So long as a postal route, thin as postcard?
Male octopus has ‘sex arm’ that can mate in the dark
–– With tenstacles?
These snakes steal poison from their prey—here's how they know they have enough
–– Go into anaphylactic shock?
Scientists Cloned a Mouse for 58 Generations. The Results Were Catastrophic.
–– Well, sure they started in 6th Century.
Long-Lost Skeleton of D’Artagnan, the Fourth Musketeer, Discovered in Dutch Church
–– Engarded?
Scientists Discovered an Entire Island Made of Ancient Humans’ Leftover Food
–– Any take-aways?
What Archaeologists Found While Searching for a Buried Second Sphinx in Egypt
–– Papyrus Spanx.
NASA is just days away from historic Artemis II moon launch
–– Who wouldn’t want off this planet ASAP?
Why Doesn’t Anybody Realize We’re Going Back to the Moon?
–– Even astronauts?!
The Artemis II astronauts are wearing a twist on the classic Omega Moonwatch
–– Will product placement pay for trip?
Deadly fungal storms are now sweeping the US – and spreading a disease few doctors recognize
–– Bungle in the fungal.
Robert Hinkle, Who Taught Rock Hudson and Paul Newman to Talk Like a Texan, Dies at 95
–– Drawls away.
