Shit-eating Grim
Week of 10/31/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Ex-Trump official on president’s SNAP concern: ‘He doesn’t give a s‑‑‑’
–– Oh, SNAP!
Big Tech’s A.I. Spending Is Accelerating (Again)
–– Anything better than retaining workers.
‘These Are Real People’s Lives!’ Irate GOP Leader ERUPTS on Democrats in Senate Speech
–– ‘We are destroying in service to a monster!!’
House Republican Tells Food Stamp Recipients to "Stop Smoking Crack"
–– After Clay Higgins put down half-empty bottle of Scotch.
Millions face 'huge sticker shock' when ACA open enrollment starts Nov. 1
–– And not just because of size of hypodermic needle.
Trump directs Pentagon to test nuclear weapons for first time since 1992
–– As long as Mar-a-lago is ground zero…
Government shutdown live: Trump urges Senate GOP to go 'nuclear' on filibuster as economic pain points mount
–– …or Congress.
Donald and Melania Trump Dress Up for Halloween, as Themselves
–– Aaaaaiiiiieeeee!
Trump arrives in Asia for week of key talks -- including with China's Xi
–– Xi-whiz!
Trump rates meeting with China's Xi 12 out of 10, lowers tariffs
–– Means 1.2, right?
Fox News Guest Gushes Over Trump Handshake in High-Stakes Meeting: ‘President Trump Has Control of That Room’
–– If he was pumping for oil.
Trump Leans Into Showmanship on Day 1 of His Asia Trip
–– Unfortunately, show was The Madness of King George.
Trump receives gold crown and medal from South Korean president during Asia tour
–– Bulgoki King!
Stephen Colbert Marvels at South Korea Welcoming Trump With Crown and Ketchup: ‘Literally Making Him the Burger King!’
–– Even though he continues to act like Hamburglar.
World Leaders Figure Out the Trump Children’s Menu
–– And when to burp him.
Kennedy Center ticket sales have plummeted since Trump takeover
–– He's Ziegzagfeld of impresarios.
Stephen Miller’s Wife Admits He Can’t Sleep Because Trump Won’t Let Him
–– Even during day in coffin?
Trump Says a Recent M.R.I. Scan Was ‘Perfect,’ and He’d ‘Love’ a Third Term
–– Our EKG just exploded.
Trump, 79, Fires Off Gibberish Truth Social Message
–– Most sense he’s made this week.
Heritage Foundation Defends Tucker Carlson Over His Interview With Holocaust Denier
–– Defends Nazi heritage foundation.
Mitch McConnell Slams The Heritage Foundation: ‘Conservatives Should Feel No Obligation to Carry Water for Antisemites’
–– Not even Holy Water?
White House fires commission charged with advising the president on design as Trump pushes construction projects
–– Members found with more than ounce of taste on them.
How ‘grocery buddies’ are feeding families at risk of losing SNAP benefits amid the government shutdown
–– ‘Buddies’ in Congress have bags over heads.
People Are Saying The Mass Layoffs Happening Across The Country Are Verrrrry Telling About The State Of America Right Now
–– Administration verrrrry not telling truth.
Time Magazine Releases New Donald Trump Cover Following His Criticism Of Previous Photo
–– No one reads Time, why are we reading about Time?
Eric Trump Says His Dad Donald Couldn’t Be President Without Him
–– He serves as Groom of the Stool.
Trump Was Concerned About 1 Thing After Assassination Attempt, ABC Reporter Says
–– Did he now get one free shot at rival.
James Comey’s lawyers want the DOJ to tell him what, exactly, they think he lied about
–– Like they know.
Hours after Trump said he'd slap more tariffs on Canada, Ontario's Reagan ad airs again during the World Series
–– Blew Jays way.
Trump Officials Move Into Military Residences in D.C. Area
–– Why not straght into bunkers?
Trump sets lowest refugee cap in U.S. history, allocating 7,500 spots, mostly for Afrikaners
–– Looks like this.
Fact check: What you need to know about Trump’s misinformation about vaccines, autism and hepatitis B
–– His BS is highly contagious.
Erika Kirk delivers raw, faith-filled tribute to late husband at Ole Miss: ‘I slept on his side of the bed’
–– Was there turning point on mattress?
Why the Hell Did JD Vance and Erika Kirk Hug Like That?
––
Hoped to Usha in new era?
JD Vance says only ‘really terrible’ people mistreat dogs – apparently forgetting his cabinet colleague shot hers dead
–– Erika should feel safe.
FBI foiled a 'potential terrorist attack' in Michigan planned for Halloween weekend, Director Kash Patel says
–– Patel unconvincing in FBI costume carrying jack o’lantern.
AK-47s, online chats and a ‘pumpkin day’ reference lead FBI to avert a potential ISIS-inspired terror attack
–– Could’ve been reference to Patel’s head.
Home Depot cofounder Ken Langone: 'New York is on the verge of making a monumental mistake'
–– 90-year-old billionaire Trumpite isn’t fan of Mamdani? Stop the presses!
Chris Murphy needs blue America to wake up
–– Being most boring politician in party won’t help.
Md. Politician Accused of Secretly Filming Ex-Consultant in Bed With Married Lover, Using as Blackmail to Silence Her
–– Insists she was just trying to get her OnlyFans account.
We Need to Rethink How We Think About the Holocaust
–– Who’s stopping you?
CIA cyberattacks targeting the Maduro regime didn’t satisfy Trump in his first term. Now the US is flexing its military might
–– Anything to satisfy impotent bloodlust.
As U.S. ramps up the pressure, Venezuela pleads with Moscow for help
–– Maduro's list of bigger scumbags pretty short.
U.N. Human Rights Chief Says U.S. Strikes On Alleged Drug Boats Are 'Unacceptable'
–– That should get Trump to stop.
F/A-18, Sea Hawk helicopter crash in South China Sea in separate incidents
–– As Pentagon coordinates operations.
Visible from space, Sudan’s bloodied sands expose a massacre of thousands
–– Sure it's not just Insta filter?
Meta Stock Plummets as Investors Horrified at How Much Zuckerberg Is Spending on Misfired AI
–– Explains, 'Otherwise, I'd only have to spend it on humans.'
Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau are ‘officially dating,’ everyone has decided
–– Because ‘speculatively’ is synonym?
Meg Ryan Talks Rom-Coms as Comfort Fare: “People Tell Me They Watch My Movies When They’re Sick”
–– “Which typically puts them in hospital.”
Robert Horry recalls watching Salma Hayek's nude scene while sitting next to her: "Lord, y'all done put me in a bad predicament"
–– Was it kinda whorey?
Box Office Massacre: October Revenue Falls to 27-Year Low, Excluding the Pandemic
–– Rona is like, 'I never told you to shut down.'
MTV mainstay Ridiculousness axed after 14 years amid reports of star’s $32 million salary
–– Had achieved ultimate measure of title commodity.
Mark Hamill Accepts Gregory Peck Award at San Diego Film Festival: 'There Are So Many People Who Helped Me Get to Where I Am Today'
–– Lists Uber driver, ground crew, pilot, van driver, chauffeur.
Taylor Sheridan Shocker: Paramount Keeping Him in Fold for ‘Call of Duty’ Movie with Peter Berg Directing
–– Will be writing with left hand in sleep.
‘Scream 7’ Trailer: Neve Campbell Returns to Face Ghostface in the Franchise’s Next Chapter
–– After turning down all those blockbuster offers?
‘Stranger Things’ Season 5 Official Trailer Released: Vecna Is Back
–– We suggest topical ointment.
Why Tim Curry ‘Loathes’ His Iconic PennywiseRole in ‘IT”
–– Didn’t Curry favor?
Charlie Sheen addresses misunderstanding people have about his sexual experiences with men
–– He’s misunderstanding that we don’t give damn.
Mossimo Giannulli Led ‘a Double Life,’ Made Lori Loughlin Look Like a ‘Total Fool’ Before Split
–– After she got head start with college admissions scandal.
Sydney Sweeney Wore Christian Cowan To Variety’s 2025 Power of Women Los Angeles
— After repeatedly ask him to get off back.
Sydney Sweeney's Chainmail Naked Dress Is Her Most Daring Look Yet
–– Positively medieval with bulging towers, flying butress.
Sean Connery Recalls Hardships Landing Roles During His 'Too Period' Between “South Pacific” and “James Bond”
–– Pretty gabby from beyond grave.
‘Yes, we’ve been to the moon before’: Nasa rebuffs Kim Kardashian conspiracy theory
–– Literally only thing Sean Duffy knows about space travel.
Diane Lane Admits There Was ‘Too Much Testosterone’ on the Set of ‘The Outsiders’
–– 'You had to watch where you stepped.'
‘Springsteen: Deliver Me From Nowhere' Has Divided the Film Critic Community
–– Between ‘eh’ and ’meh’.
Tom Hanks Celebrates Wife Rita Wilson's 69th Birthday With a Sweet Photo of Her in a Plunging Swimsuit
–– Granny, not sexy sweet.
'Dreams' Director Michel Franco Has No Interest in "Comfort Cinema"
–– Or ‘making money’ or ‘getting another job.’
The fabulous life of Chris Pine's grandmother — 1940s scream queen and pin-up girl
–– Gwynne way back.
Madeline Brewer calls out Dave Chappelle after research for her latest role
–– That oughta fix ‘im.
As Shampoo Oscar Winner Lee Grant Turns 100, She Gets Candid About Being Blacklisted for 12 Years
–– Grant her wish?
Iconic 70s' actress looks unrecognizable in rare appearance
–– We're not even sure it was her!
Britain’s Prince Andrew to be stripped of ‘prince’ title and move out of royal mansion
–– In related story, Trump called ‘second coming of God.’
Disgraced ex-Prince Andrew had 40 prostitutes brought to Thailand hotel on taxpayer-funded trip, biographer says
–– Knew limit was 35!
Beatrice and Eugenie Have Both Quietly Left the U.K. Amid Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson Drama
–– Forced to leave dazzlers behind.
Dolphins, general manager Chris Grier mutually agree to part ways
–– Didn’t click?
Controversial artist who duct-taped a banana to a wall is selling his $10M solid gold toilet
–– With banana floating in it?
63% of young adults prefer subtitles. The Enten Scale explains why
–– Ironic because most can’t read.
Stop Blaming Boomers, and Do Something
–– Like get your skinny ass to a protest demonstration.
She hiked the entire Appalachian Trail at 80, unaware she’d just made history
–– She started in 2015.
Chipotle CEO sounds alarm on the American economy: Gen Z and millennials are too burdened by unemployment and student loans to eat out
–– And can’t figure out how to boil water, use microwave!
We quit Diet Coke, soda cold turkey. Here's what happened.
–– Wild Turkey.
Truckers Spend Thousands a Year on Coffee – but Only One Chain Is Worth It
–– One with hot waitresses with shirts open to here.
Arby’s steak nuggets may be as close to real barbecue as fast food gets
–– Which tells you all you need to know about fast food.
McDonald's rounding cash transactions as some locations run short of pennies
–– Rounding beef to offal ratios in Big Macs.
The McDonald's Ordering Hack That Will Get You A Fresh Burger, Every Single Time
–– His name is Melvin.
Beloved pizza chain files for bankruptcy after nearly 50 years in business
–– Customers cheesed off.
10 Italian Dishes That Defined The '80s
–– 10. The Bonfire of the Vermicelli, 9. Baked Reagantoni, 8. Cacio e Preppy, 7. Rubik's Gnocchi, 6. Madonna in Carrozza, 5. MTVeal Parmigiana, 4. Beverly Hills Capicolla, 3. Frutti di Mary Lou Retton, 2. Osso Bowie, 1. Big Angel Hair Pasta.
Restaurant in Highgate which accused locals of 'never supporting us' had decaying prawns and mice droppings
–– As main and side.
Le Creuset Might Be ‘Cheugy,’ But I Don’t Care—Its Dutch Oven Is Still the Best
–– More concerned if meat is chewgy.
72-year-old diner chain closing dozens of restaurants
–– Will donate 2 tons of toothpicks to charity.
Giant pumpkin growers face off for world gourd domination
–– Big fellers not looking to patch things up.
Your Halloween Pumpkin Could Be Concealing Toxic Chemicals – And Now We Know Why
–– Giant pumpkin growers are evil.
Gut Reactions to Your Favorite Halloween Candy
–– Simply gastly.
Car smelling funky? Here are the 20 best car air fresheners to make your vehicle smell luxurious
–– 16. Brandi, her perfume is yummy.
How Do Metal Detectors Work?
–– Asked that old weirdo over there in overalls, thigh boots.
A United flight u-turned over the Atlantic coast when a passenger's laptop fell through a gap into the plane's hold
–– Couldn't they have just shoved dope down there with it?
Suspects arrested over the theft of crown jewels from Paris’ Louvre museum
–– Roi, roi, sis-boom-bah.
Man jailed after burgling Damien Hirst’s London studio while wearing GPS ankle tag
–– Made off with some shark bones, formaldehyde.
How to steal a nuclear power plant and get away with it
–– You’ll need electric fence.
10 animals that could swallow a human whole, from snakes to sharks
–– 100 could swallow a human hole.
Formidable crocodile-like predator discovered in Egyptian desert
–– In state of de Nile?
Napoleon’s Defeat in Russia Was Aided by Two Surprising Deadly Diseases
–– Typhus, disco fever.
Seven Skeletons Found in a Croatian Well Were Likely Ancient Roman Soldiers Who Died During a Troubled Time for the Empire
–– And got what they wished for?
A Secret Nuclear Device Ran Beneath Kodak’s Labs for 30 Years. Authorities Had No Idea It Existed.
–– Say 'Yellowcake!'
Scientists Found a Question So Hard, Even Quantum Computers Can’t Answer It
–– ‘What’s the deal with Sydney Sweeney?’
RFK Jr. orders CDC to study alleged harms of offshore wind farms
–– Effort already has theme song.
No high-level US representatives will go to UN climate talks, Trump officials say
–– Because there are no such creatures.
Harrison Ford blasts Trump as 'world goes to hell': 'I don't know of a greater criminal in history'
–– Darth Vapid.
June Lockhart, Beloved Mom on ‘Lassie’ and ‘Lost in Space,’ Dies at 100
–– Lockout.
