Revenge of the Turds
Week of 10/09/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
How Trump’s Revenge Campaign Descended Into Turmoil
–– Clue’s in title: ‘Trump’s.’
Darline Graham is no Lindsey. Voters are noticing.
–– A lot more macho.
After pledging swift results, Trump team prepares for long economic war with Iran
–– It must be awful burden to be this right.
All B-1 Bombers Returning to U.S. From U.K. Base
–– Flying west for the winter?
Iranian campaign planted fake articles in real U.S. publications using ChatGPT
–– Like every online retailer.
Fort Hood shooter’s execution will be live-streamed, Defense Dept. says
–– Only want to see if Hegseth, Trump pull triggers.
Execution TV? Pete Hegseth has taken the once ‘greatest democracy’ to a horrific new low
–– Inspired by Pol Pot.
Trump promises another round of checks before the midterms
–– Stealing your money to bribe you.
Washington Taxed Its Millionaires. Now the Rich Want It Repealed.
–– Trump demonstrated law is their plaything.
Trump’s tariffs were meant to shrink the trade deficit—but the $106 billion gap just reached its widest since before ‘Liberation
Day'
–– The only thing he's 'freed' is Treasury funds for his mob.
Scott Bessent spat in his food and exploded at DC restaurateur after being confronted by protesters: report
–– How about spitting in America’s face?
As pro-Trump rulings boost Justice Alito’s stature, retirement speculation swirls
–– Yeah, now full-blown monster.
What is pneumonic plague and how dangerous is it?
–– Bubonic plague with jack hammers?
Trump wants to turn his West Palm Beach golf club into the new Camp David
–– Any means to bilk taxpayers further.
Trump bought over $1 million in SpaceX debt days before unveiling space policy
–– This week in 'astronomic graft.'
‘Honey Please’: Kimberly Guilfoyle Pushed Donor to Wire $100,000 to Her Amex Account
–– Filler not as cheap as it used to be.
Kimberly Guilfoyle associate says when she asked him for $100K, it was "quid pro quo"
–– Thank God they can’t speak Latin in White House.
White House Names Katie Zacharia as New Press Secretary
–– She’s blonde enough, she’s dumb enough, and, doggone it, people hate her.
Mike Tyson predicts 'Trump will win' midterms
–– Sadly voters nearly punch drunk as him.
The Fed was unanimous about raising rates in September. Economic signals have since changed.
–– Warsh goes by Trump rectal thermometer.
Man shot and wounded by ICE agents during operation in New York City while in car with 5-year-old
–– Mullin disappointed they didn't ICE him.
DHS chief defends New York ICE shooting, calling victim one of ‘the worst of the worst’
–– Or his spiritual cousin.
Democrats can ask and ask. I won’t drop out of Montana’s Senate race.
–– Stomping feet while stumping.
Bondage Photos Weren’t Part of the Campaign Plan
–– Besides, Democrats already nailed that demo.
Navi Pillay, leading human rights jurist, awarded Nobel Peace Prize
–– And purported discoverer of Unobtanium.
Nobel Prize Winner Mocks Trump After Receiving Award
–– Now vying for Mark Twain Humor Prize.
Russia Says It Found No ‘Emergency’ in Plague Lab
–– Assurance didn’t get world to unclench sphincter.
Trump to speak to Putin about plague lab worker's death in Russia
–– Likes to be kept up-to-date on buddy's kill count.
Former German Chancellor Schroeder celebrates Putin's birthday at president's home
–– Gifted him with some lovely Nazi memorabilia.
As Putin Wages Shadow War, Europe Looks for a Way to Hit Back
–– Was kinda hoping Schroeder was wearing bomb vest.
What is pneumonic plague and how dangerous is it?
–– Bubonic plague with jack hammers?
Trump announces Russia will release millions of tons of diesel to help with skyrocketing costs
–– Trump to take nozzle straight up ass.
‘This was communicated at every level’: Netanyahu military aide reveals internal warnings before October 7
–– So three years of slaughter to prove critics wrong?
Riot police fire teargas as 250,000 take part in schools protests across France
–– Ecole day in Hell.
Elon Musk abruptly dumps mother of 4 of his kids with 'no warning' — days after saying 'love you'
–– If you want sympathy for woman who spawned more Musks you’re going to have to do better than that.
‘Breathtaking,’ ‘Devastating’: Mathematics Reels After New OpenAI Release
–– Higher math just OD’d.
Skydance’s High-Wire Act Begins: Wall Street Scrutinizes Strategy for Juggling $80 Billion in Debt and a Three-Year Runway to Chop it Down
–– And Tom Cruise hanging for dear life to exterior of cargo plane self-destructing.
David Zaslav Bids Farewell to Warner Bros. Employees in Video on Eve of Skydance Merger Close: ‘It’s Been a Great Honor to Be Alongside All of You’
–– He was more behind them, dry humping.
Jon Stewart’s ‘Daily Show’ Skips David Ellison-Skydance News to Take on AI
–– Satire is what closes with a new boss.
Aaron Sorkin Says It ‘Never Occurred’ to Him That Jesse Eisenberg Wouldn’t Play Mark Zuckerberg in ‘The Social Reckoning,’ Claims the Paycheck Was a ‘Disincentive’
–– We claim check ‘wasn’t big enough.’
He Made the Year’s Most Divisive Movie. That’s the Point.
–– Applause for guy who took $170mil from Warner Bros. to say f**k you to audience?
Anne Hathaway Gives Tom Cruise's 'Digger' a Perfect Score: “Brilliant Movie”
–– Not costing her anything.
Jeremy Strong Defends Method Acting, Says He Doesn’t Feel the Need to ‘Apologize’ to Co-Stars Who May Think ‘I’m Taking It Too Seriously’
–– Came on too Strong?
‘I’ve hit my midlife sexpot era!’ Romola Garai on marital misery, cheating … and sex scenes in cars
–– Even Mrs. Robinson is, 'Nah.'
Anne Hathaway Ends ‘Renaissance’ Year With Third No. 1 Movie
–– All of them just faire.
Matthew Lillard says Hollywood doesn’t ‘understand’ him: ‘I still fight for jobs now.’
–– Makes it sound like it does.
Crafting a Grittier, Grimier ‘Sense and Sensibility’
–– What Austenworld really wants.
Slow Horses star responds after character killed off: ‘I’m not alright about it’
–– In Coe blood.
Ex-Prince Andrew finally gives up royal home, king pays huge repair bill
–– Don’t get him started on lavs.
The Yankees Aren’t Arrogant Jerks Anymore. That Might Be a Problem.
–– Just average jerks.
Paintings Stolen From Renoir Museum Are Recovered, Authorities Say
–– Art world, 'Oh great, we could never have lived without those two.'
The first Marcel Duchamp retrospective in 50 years opens at the Philadelphia Museum of Art
–– Come to Dada.
The one thing strong couples do when they fight
–– Thumb wrestle.
I’m a Child Psychiatrist. Screens Are Not the Problem.
–– Text us your credentials.
College students desperate to join the best sororities are turning to weight-loss drugs
–– Like Zepbound Tau Alpha?
These Are the hidden Symptoms of High-Functioning Anxiety in Men
–– Men or anxiety successful?
Are you ‘fawning’? The secret behavior costing you a healthy sex life
–– Is your name Bambi?
The 13 best fleece-lined leggings you’ll be happy to have when temperatures drop
–– And the women you’ll have to tear them off of.
5 Most Dangerous Condiments Hiding in Your Fridge
–– 5. Hellcatsup, 4. Colonel Mustard with Lead Pipe, 3. Spahn Ranch Dressing, 2. Piccalilli for Your Grave, 1. Frank’s DeadHot Sauce.
Jeff Bezos Praised Raising Cane’s. Its Founder Built a $22 Billion Fortune by Breaking 3 Fast-Food Rules
–– And religiously adhering to one: tasteless grub.
When Picky Eating Is Actually a Psychiatric Disorder
–– If you turn down bacon.
Ex-CIA officer found with over $40M in gold bars pleads guilty to $194M fraud
–– Other $154M in quarters.
Las Vegas showgirl allegedly beats tourist with high heel after $20 photo tip sparks brawl
–– Talk about kinky boots.
Hundreds march to White House in response to Cornell rape accusations
–– Go to source of rape culture.
Cornell rape allegations reignite debate over laws on intoxication and consent
–– And regret.
A headmaster’s challenge to his male students: Speak up about rape
–– Even if by Royal St. George’s College faculty?
Facing Fury Over Failed Execution, Tennessee Prison Chief Steps Down
–– Will look for newcareer in anaesthesiology.
Christa Pike is conscious and speaking after Tennessee failed execution, her attorneys say
–– First words, 'Tell me this isn't Heaven.'
'Medically Unprecedented': Inside Christa Pike's Shocking Survival and Recovery
–– State of Tennessee taking credit for miracle.
They Argued About Trump at a Dog Park. Then They Pulled Their Guns.
–– And, of course, wrong dog got shot.
21 Birds Are Found at Miami Airport Stuffed in Underwear and Hidden in a Belt
–– By two men with expressions that could’ve been extreme pain or pleasure.
A Photo of Mussolini’s Corpse Led Page 1. How It Got There Is a Tale.
–– Hegseth read this avidly.
Why the FBI Secretly Investigated Bigfoot-and the Brutal Truth They Found
–– It is related to Kash Patel aka Littlefoot.
Radio Waves Coming From an Alien Planet May Be a Cosmic First
–– Or, y'now, not.
Here’s the “Pencil Trick” I Used Get Rid of Mice in My Home for Good
–– Erase animated ones.
Do hibernating animals need to go to the loo?
–– And if seniors, how many times do they have to get up during winter?
The hidden cost of farmed fish: Pollution. forced labor and the depletion of wild fish
–– Hey, LA Times reporter, you climb into boat in freezing weather at dawn for low pay and bring me back dinner.
7 mystery coffins containing human remains found at North Dakota governor's residence
–– They all voted in this year’s primaries.
Justice for Neanderthals!
–– That would be Samuel Alito.
Scientists Are Learning How to Control HIV Without Drugs
–– It was always called abstinence.
California Prepares to Ban Quartz Countertop Production
–– Where will we put quarts of milk?
Gulf Coast faces hurricane threat as Tropical Depression Nine is forecast to strengthen
–– Sounds like AI’s now naming storms.
Jeffrey Archer, bestselling UK novelist and scandal-plagued politician, dies aged 86
–– Bows out.
Televangelist Jim Bakker, who built a faith-based empire before resigning amid scandal, dies at 86
–– Tammy Fae looking down from makeup chair in Purgatory.
Marjoe Gortner, Preacher and Actor Who Was Subject of Oscar-Winning Doc and Appeared in ‘Earthquake,’ ‘Falcon Crest,’ Dies at 82
–– Jesus, Mar and Joe.
Legendary coach, Hall of Fame TE Mike Ditka dies at age 86
–– Bear's down.
Eva Marie Saint, Graceful Star of the Silver Screen, Dies at 102
–– Saint goes marching in.
