Brainiack
Week of 10/02/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump signs executive order renaming AI to ‘super intelligence’
–– Next to him, Roomba reps super intelligence.
Eric Schmitt was warned about the Jack Smith texts. He used them anyway.
–– Figured it was slam dunk.
Trump renames AI to ‘super intelligence’ and tells Americans they have no choice but to trust ‘these folks’
–– Or rename common sense 'super ignorance.'
Trump Signs New ‘Super Intelligence’ Agreement with Major Typo Below His Signature
–– Only human we’d like to see AI fully replace.
Who sat next to Trump — and who was missing — at his big AI lunch
–– Musk seemed to be in lap, was Bezos under table?
Bill Gates says companies that replace human labor with robots should have to pay the same FICA taxes
–– While government provides taxpayer-funded Technicare repair system for aging machines.
Facebook Boss Busted Gloating at Trump Bullying a Woman
–– Zuck's to be him.
Eric Schmitt defends mix-up that led to viral gaffe during Jack Smith’s hearing
–– Thought dirt was in bag.
Senator reveals the moment she knew viral Jack Smith gotcha was a slow-mo train wreck
–– When slo-moron Schmitt hit tracks.
Taxpayers have funded nearly $1.5M in pro-Trump ads. Criticism is mounting, including from the GOP
–– Their criticism is like so many remora sighing.
Homeland Security taps $20M in taxpayer funds for pro-Trump ads
–– Hope they're as uplifing, even-handed as ones we're already paying for.
‘God made Trump’ ad and at least 12 others are part of controversial taxpayer-funded ad campaign
–– And Ebola.
Trump Finds New Assistant Press Secretary in Real America's Voice Correspondent
–– Sure to be seasoned pro with years of experience under her belt.
Trump’s campaign against noncitizen voting demonstrates it's rare and not enough to swing elections
–– But what else should DoJ be wasting energy on?
Senate fails to advance data center and lawmaker stock trading bills before camp
–– Suffer from imPOTUSence.
Appeals court backs finding Trump colluded with IRS, Treasury
–– Clueless, but not colludeless.
Trump administration starts sending $500 Obamacare refund checks — who stands to benefit
–– Nice when bribery is two-way street.
Watchdog finds no criminality in Fed renovation that drew Trump’s scrutiny
–– Biff! Bam! Powell!
Bad language: profane Trump brings presidential swearing out into open
–– Mud pie hole.
Analysis: Trump’s TIME interview shows a president consumed by his own news coverage
–– Like puppy eating own poop.
Trump TV Hits Rock Bottom in Humiliating Disaster
–– 91 viewers, presumably all in one one ward of retirement home for criminally insane.
Natalie Harp Was Devoted to Controversial Pastor Before Trump Obsession
–– Too bad she was too young for Jim Jones.
Supreme Court lets Trump resume deporting migrants to countries not their own
–– Heard Alito might retire, may it be to Devil's Island.
Trump says he regrets nominating Supreme Court Justices Gorsuch, Barrett and Kavanaugh
–– Convinced barrel had false bottom, could've dug deeper.
Pete Hegseth appoints Elon Musk to US taskforce on future of warfare
–– Col. Kurtz not available?
Elon Musk, Palmer Luckey and Newt Gingrich to help Pentagon with warfare initiative, Hegseth says
–– Would rather be Luckey than good.
Elon Shivon Zilis says she was 'let go' from relationship with Elon Musk
–– Part of his strategy for boob redeployment.
Retired Major General Rips ‘Incompetent’ Hegseth for ‘Playing Russian Roulette With the Security of the U.S.'
–– DeNiro in his prime would've made good Hegseth.
Hegseth directs military academies to stop giving tenure to civilian professors
–– And to force them to get crew cuts.
Hegseth confirms 20% of generals and admirals to go in “State of the Force” address
–– The Force is weak in this one.
Iranian singer’s 74 lashes for performing without a hijab ‘a form of torture’, say rights groups
–– Or torture.
G-7 agrees to release oil reserves to reduce fuel prices after U.S. pressure
–– Amazing how everyone's willing to prop up fantasy world of madman.
Saudi Arabia is reaping a massive oil windfall, making it perhaps the Iran war’s only winner. Tehran’s proxies actually ‘did Saudi a favor’
–– It's like, 'Do I root for Yankees or Dodgers in playoffs?'
Five men arrested on terror charge near U.S. air base in Britain
–– Aha! Trump’s sure local farmer’s story of 5 masked men in 3 vans in general vicinity of an RAF air base obviously…
Details emerge of suspects in alleged terror plot near UK air base used by US forces – but questions remain
–– … means a “big damage” terror plot against his military by evildoers who need to be put away for…
UK air base latest: Suspects arrested on terror charges released on bail, police say
–– … a day.
Basic economics show why Mamdani’s socialist grocery stores in NYC are destined to fail
–– Not enough junk food.
GOP Sen. Thom Tillis Reveals The Expletive-Filled Texts He Sent To Trump
–– Trump loves when you talk dirty to him.
Giant pandas Ping Ping and Fu Shuang touch down in the US under new loan deal
–– Proving Trump/Xi summit total success.
Mysterious figure alongside Xi Jinping identified after years of speculation – thanks to White House guestlist
–– His hair polisher.
Russia warns NATO of a possible nuclear response if Kaliningrad is cut off
–– At this point everyone's disPutin' him.
Trump defies Democrats, diverts aid for Europe to Latin America instead
–– After quick stopover in his offshore bank accounts.
Ex-congressman and Rubio ally gets 10 years for secret Venezuela lobbying
–– Like everyone else in Trump's inner circle, Rubio likes people who weren't captured.
The Powerful Yet Fragile Force Propping Up Stocks and the Economy
–– AI biggest bubble since Trump farted in gold-leafed White House bath tub.
OpenAI abandons plan to release upcoming model as safety concerns escalate
–– Guess they listened to Bessent's Hannibal lecture.
Religious Scholars Met With Anthropic. What They Heard Stunned Them.
–– Twilight of the clods.
JFK ‘tried to live beyond’ his serious health issues with sex and drugs, author says
–– At least that’s what he told Jackie.
Five Generations, One Newspaper
–– Inbreeding begets this.
Clint Eastwood Allegedly Once Copped to Daydreaming 'About Eating Some P*ssy' on Set
–– Did someone muff line?
‘Caddyshack’ star Michael O’Keefe claims cocaine was ‘budgeted’ on set, admits filming scenes while high
–– Filled sand traps with blow.
Porn Star Joanna Angel Divorces Small Hands… Divorce Battle Rages On
–– Gets engaged to Big Balls.
Kathleen Kennedy Admits to “A Bit of Relief” in Stepping Down From Lucasfilm After 14 Years
–– Fans admit to ‘a ton.
Nicolas Cage Says the MCU “Is Becoming a Well-Funded and Glorified WWE”
–– Funny coming from thespian equivalent of The Undertaker.
Paramount-Warner Bros. Merger Set to Close Next Week After Judge OKs Settlement With State AGs
–– Guess the Borg were right.
Where Does Tom Cruise’s Oscar Campaign Go From Here
–– Get out your shovels.
Will Tom Cruise’s ‘Digger’ Continue Warner Bros.’ Dismal Box Office Year?
–– Exactly what Ellison deserves.
Ouster Rumors and a Tense Phone Call: Mike De Luca and Pam Abdy's Final Weeks at Warners
–– Were there Warnering signs?
Casey Bloys Says He Believes David Ellison Plans to ‘Maintain What We’ve Done’ at HBO as Paramount and Warner Bros. Merge
–– But only bad parts like Ballers and The Regime.
New Name of Paramount-Warner Bros. Unveiled: Skydance
–– Only name stupid enough to encompass this deal.
Greta Thunberg Makes Surprise Appearance at Zurich Premiere of ‘My Home of Wind and Sand,’ Denounces Occupation of Western Sahara
–– We were anxiously waiting for her to weigh in.
Kyle MacLachlan Admits He Felt ‘Sheer Horror’ Watching His Infamous 'Showgirls' Pool Scene with Elizabeth Berkley
–– But only because his eyes were open.
Milania Giudice Is ‘Under the Care of Professionals’
–– After damage of brutally amateur parents.
Jesse Tyler Ferguson recalls getting ‘trapped’ at Joan Rivers’ shiva when he needed to be on Modern Family set
–– Hand got stuck in honey cake.
Jason Bateman interrogates Will Barnett about his relationship with 28-year-old-girlfriend
–– Trying to bait, man.
Pete Davidson lists all the drugs he did daily before checking into rehab: 'It got scary'
–– Not funny, like everything else about him.
Alix Earle Doesn’t Read. That’s Perfectly Fine.
–– Her TikTok audience couldn’t read a cereal box.
Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs’ Luxurious Life Behind Bars Includes Cellphone, Massages and Premium Cognac, New Report Claims
–– Stop it, you’re making us jealous.
Diddy placed in solitary following NBC News report on his VIP prison life
–– Finally, meaningful prison reform.
Organizer Cancels Festival With Kid Rock After Selling Only 6 VIP Tickets: ‘I Am Never Doing This Event Again’
–– How many Very Imbecilic People are there?
From Laser Butt Plugs to Stuffed Panties, This Madonna VMAs Moment Has the Internet Doing a Double Take
–– Booty crawl.
This Yacht Rock Icon Fathered a Child When He Was 14, and They Just Met for the First Time
–– Old McDonald had a kid…
Ex-Harrods owner potentially trafficked women on ‘shocking’ scale, official says
–– British authorities Al Fayed up.
Austrian Painter horse renamed after complaint it referenced Adolf Hitler
–– Gustav Klimt livid.
Why is fashion so obsessed with sex right now?
–– As opposed to first 170,000 years?
I Tried A Red Light Therapy Vibrator to Treat My Menopause Symptoms. It Changed My Sex Life.
–– I gave it to my husband and he left me alone.
1 Factor May Separate Women Who Keep Having Sex As They Age From Those Who Don't
–– Cash payments.
My Date Was A Liar And I Knew It, But I Didn’t Care
–– He cut me in on stolen funds.
Do You Analyze Your Emotions Instead of Feeling Them? You Might Be ’Intellectualizing”
–– We strongly feel you’re full of shit.
20 fascinating facts about hair: Why baldness is super-masculine – and a pubic bush could be a ‘cheating detector’
–– If you discover someone in it.
There’s a simple way to become a better listener. Most of us don’t do it.
–– Huhn?
Saturday Night at the Massachusetts Lesbian Bar Everyone Is Talking About
–– Yeah, our bowling team can’t stop yapping about it.
Weird signs you’re more attractive than you think
–– Your dog stops peeing when you enter room.
The Uncomfortable Truth About Raising Kids in 2026
–– They're even more trouble than pets.
California Just Banned Child Marriage. 32 States Still Allow It
–– Tying so-called sneaker knot.
Major California Tourist Spot Is Closing Its Doors After Nearly 60 Years
–– Guess birth rate of suckers dropping too.
He Thought 100 Miles on the Appalachian Trail Could Get Him Sober. He Barely Made It 3 Days.
–– Was seeing pink moose by fourth day.
A “Back to School” Sour for Anyone Who’s Had a Long Week
–– Especially grade schoolers.
When You Eat Your First and Last Meals May Be Linked to Longevity, Study Finds
–– Last meal should be pretty strong indicator.
What Should You Do If a Plane Passenger Puts a Suitcase in Your Overhead Bin? Here’s What Flight Attendants Say
–– Etch your name into it before sitting down.
Pilot on Tel Aviv-bound flight tried to crash plane after cockpit stabbing, Netanyahu says
–– Lunatic terrorist used an axe. Can we call it a hacking?
Who is the Indian pilot who fought off his cockpit attacker.
–– Brave Smit Machchhar who doctors were able to save with all his Hs intact.
52 Years Ago, Something Happened To Me At A College Frat House That I Was Never Able To Speak About — Until Now
–– Isn't it all a haze?
Tennessee to execute a woman for first time in 200 years after governor denies clemency
–– At least 200 people have been exonerated from death row in 50+ year. A Christian would pray Gov. Bill Lee be sentenced to hell.
Court halts execution of Christa Gail Pike for a Tennessee murder she committed at age 18
–– 31 years ago. Justice swift and fair.
US Supreme Court clears way for Christa Gail Pike’s execution in Tennessee to go forward
–– Blood on appropriate hands.
What went wrong with the Christa Pike execution attempt in Tennessee?
–– Justice in the Age of Trump: cruel, immoral, incompetent.
What to know about Christa Pike, her failed execution and what happens next
–– If this becomes tale of female empowerment…
The case for America’s original food – the acorn
–– You’re nuts.
‘Antiques Roadshow’ Gives Jaw-Dropping Update to Teddy Bear Valuation 30 years later
–– $10,000 –– enough to make your button eyes pop.
'I grabbed the kettle and doused my attackers with boiling hot water. A few seconds later, all that remained was a puddle full of tiny, floating bodies." What had I done?
–– Made boiled ants for dinner?
Heavy metals found in 99% of cat foods tested in new study
–– Gee, hope it doesn’t make them dumber than they already are.
Marine Scientists filmed a 0.3mm oyster larva feeding. What they found is ringing alarm bells
–– Itsy bitsy bells.
Rare bee rediscovered in Virginia after more than a century
–– In the old drones hive.
Row erupts over Cairo mural depicting Tutankhamun and Nefertiti with dark skin
–– Lots of Tut-Tuting from experts.
A secret Stonehenge under Lake Michigan is baffling archaeologists
–– And intriguing Spinal Tap.
The Ancient Romans Has a Strange Ritual After Thunderstorms
–– Toweling off.
Astronauts arrive at International Space Station on the quickest US express flight yet
–– Luggage left at launch pad.
She Died During Routine Surgery, Scientists Think Her Brain Simulated ‘Heaven’– But Is That the Whole Story?
–– Yep.
