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Guilt By Dissociation
Week of 05/17/24

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Satirical photo-illustration of former Donald Trump lawyer Michael Cohen with the body of a worm emerging from a big apple to utter the phrase "J'Accuse...!" referring to his testimony against his former boss in his New York-based hush money trial.sMichael Cohen Was Paid to Fix Trump’s Problems. Now He’s One of Them.
–– From fixer to fuxer.

Dow closes above 40,000 for the first time
–– Wall Street: "Biden, that bastard!"

White House says Hur tapes are privileged as Congress moves to hold Garland in contempt
–– Ban Hur.

Worry About Female Voters Drove Trump’s Hush-Money Decisions, Cohen Says
–– Not realizing even MAGAettes love a rapist.

Stormy Daniels’ attorney says Daniels wore a bulletproof vest to and from court
–– XXXL.

Biden faces bipartisan backlash on Capitol Hill over Israel ultimatum
–– From the raver to the seize.

Opinion | Trump likes the Oxford comma? That’s stunning, strange and disorienting.
–– Comma again?

Say What?!? Lauren Boebert Gushes Over How 'Pretty' Trump Is When He Sleeps
–– Would be adorable taking big sleep.

Opinion J.D. Vance wasn’t just some hillbilly after all
–– He was Senator Phogbound.

Bannon should report for prison now, Justice Department tells judge
–– And not pass Go, not collect $100.

At Justice Alito’s House, a ‘Stop the Steal’ Symbol on Display
–– Better than swastika tattoo on ass.

Justice Clarence Thomas decries Washington as ‘hideous’ and pushes back on ‘nastiness’ of critics
–– Spouting Thomas.

The Saga of Clarence Thomas and His Luxury RV Takes a Disturbing Turn
–– Running over blindfolded woman carrying scales, sword.

JFK’s Grandson Dons Multiple Personas to Call RFK Jr. a Lying “Prick” Who Goes “Way Freaking Back” With Trump
–– Series of comedy schiz.

House Hearing Spirals into Chaos After Marjorie Taylor Greene Insults Democrat's 'Fake Eyelashes': 'How Dare You?'
–– Utterly batty.

Johnson says personal attacks at committee meeting ‘not a good look’
–– Meaning the eyelashes?

Melinda French Gates is resigning from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation
–– To be renamed Bill & WhatsherGates Foundation.

The Gates Foundation is losing its smarter half, Warren Buffett says
–– One that co-founded $3 tril company?

Overlooking a dark history, tech companies are flocking to the Middle East
–– Refuse to Google it.

70 years later, 1 in 3 Black people say integration didn’t help Black students
–– Is that more than, less than or equal to what you would have thought?

Louisiana may reclassify drugs used in abortion as controlled dangerous substances
–– Are they on heroin?

US says floating pier for aid anchored to Gaza beach
–– To open Uncle Sam’s Clam Bar.

’Bunker mentality’ at Columbia lit protest spark that spread nationwide
–– Archly bunker.

Dartmouth’s Leader Called in Police Quickly. The Fallout Was Just as Swift.
–– More from ‘Damned if You Do…’ files.

As Seinfeld Receives Honorary Degree at Duke, Students Walk Out in Protest
–– What’s the deal with snowflakes?

College students across the U.S. have been arrested and threatened with suspension over pro-Palestinian protests. But what legal rights do they have?
–– In real world?

Acclaimed Iranian filmmaker flees to Europe after prison and flogging sentence
–– Free at lash.

Putin Replaces Defense Minister in Rare Cabinet Shake-up
–– But why mess with winning formula?

Russia says it killed large number of Ukrainian soldiers with ‘vacuum bomb’ in claim Kyiv calls nonsense
–– Exact quote, ‘Suck it!’

Putin Will Visit Xi, Testing a ‘No Limits’ Partnership
–– Xi said to be ‘touchy’ about rear entry.

Slovakia’s Prime Minister Fico in life-threatening condition after being shot multiple times
–– Fico matter.

The elections next door: Mexico’s cartels pick candidates, kill rivals
–– Can't Trump run down there?

Switzerland Wins Eurovision Song Contest, Israel Places Fifth Amid Protests And Controversy
–– Over dumbest competition since Shriners’ Finest Fez Feud.

Is Anyone Canceled in Cannes? Shia LaBeouf and James Franco Movies Shopped Amid France’s #MeToo Moment
–– Or, at least, Canneseled?

Francis Ford Coppola’s ‘Megalopolis’ sparks Cannes frenzy and furious debate
–– A pucker lapse now.

‘Megalopolis’ Producer Addresses Report of Francis Ford Coppola Trying to Kiss Extras on Set: 'I Was Never Aware of Any Complaints of Harassment'
–– Not even Coppola times?

‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith' Renewed for Season 2 at Amazon, Donald Glover and Maya Erskine Not Expected to Return
–– Will not be Smithed.

Hannah Einbinder on How Stopping Adderall Helped Her Comedy, the “True” Queer Representation on ‘Hacks’
–– Comedy today nothin’ but fun fun fun.

The Nerve of Madonna to Pull It Off, Again
–– What, her rubber face?

Chris Pine Addresses “Emotionally Incapacitating” Acne That Kept Him From Landing Role in ‘The O.C.’
–– Addresses it as ‘Dear Zits.’

Nikki Glaser had the week of her career. It’s not over yet
–– Because she can’t read calendar.

’Boardwalk Empire’ star Steve Buscemi punched by maniac in random NYC attack
–– Thank God he didn’t have wood chipper.

Nicola Coughlan Asked to Be ‘Very Naked’ in a ‘Bridgerton’ Season 3 Scene as a ‘F— You’ to Body Shamers: I Want to ‘Remember How Hot I F—ing Looked’
–– Body shamers, ‘Um, uh, thanks for the, um, reminder?’

Inside the Graphic ‘A Man in Full’ Finale: Tom Pelphrey on Wearing a Prosthetic Penis and Avoiding Hot Wax in a Fitting
–– ‘Full’ indeed.

Sixteen Women Accuse David Copperfield of Sexual Misconduct
–– Cop a feel?

Cyrus Vance: What It Takes to Keep Harvey Weinstein, and Men Like Him, Behind Bars
–– Take away money that funds endless appeals?

Sharon Stone and Liam Neeson Call for Kevin Spacey’s Return to Acting: ‘He Is a Genius’ and ‘Our Industry Needs Him and Misses Him Greatly’
–– Lost in Spacey.

Inaugural San Quentin Film Festival — First Film Fest Inside a Prison — Will Screen A24’s ‘Sing Sing’ (Exclusive)
–– Which really needs captive audience.

Prince Harry was reduced to tears after learning King Charles had bestowed a new honor upon Prince William
–– ‘The Entirely Less Stupid Prince.’

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry's Archewell Foundation Declared 'Delinquent,' Ordered to Stop Soliciting or Spending
–– And ‘Juvenile.’

Nikki Glaser Reacts to Tom Brady’s Regret Over Roast Jokes Upsetting His Kids: ‘It’s Impossible to Me He Didn’t Consider What Could’ve Happened’
–– Feel flicker play.

World No. 1 Scottie Scheffler tees off at PGA Championship after being arrested, charged with felony for incident outside Valhalla
–– Charged with trying to steal Odin’s mead goblet.

Avs forward Valeri Nichushkin suspended for at least 6 months an hour before Game 4 against Stars
–– 6 months an hour is quite a rate.

Giants to be featured on first ever offseason edition of 'Hard Knocks'
–– That’s hard ‘not.’

The Mona Lisa was set in this surprising Italian town, geologist claims
–– Bedrock.

OpenAI wants users to act natural around ChatGPT
–– Or it might have you killed.

Think "spaving" can save you money? Think again.
–– Even “spaving” our pets?

Why You Can Hear the Temperature of Water
–– When you’re insanely high.

After my husband transitioned into my wife, I struggled to think of her as another mother to our kids
–– Especially after kids sued for divorce from us, were adopted by ETs, sued them for parental alienation. It’s a little confusing.

Stay-at-Home Girlfriends Are Having a Moment
–– With buy-online toys.

I Grew Up Thinking My Father Didn't Like Me. It Was Decades Before I Learned The Truth.
–– He hated me.

Just Before My Mom Died, She Said 6 Words That Changed My Life — And Made Me A Better Mother
–– ‘Stop being such a cunt, dear.’

Therapists Shared The Sentence You Should Never Text Someone With Anxiety, And As A Fellow Anxious Person I Agree
–– ‘Duck!’

America is hurtling toward a gray trap
–– Isn’t it more shuffling with walker?

Farewell, Chuck E. Cheese Animatronic Band
–– You will live on in our nightmares.

Tokyo Disney is using American influencers to target U.S. customers
–– Along with pickpockets dressed like Mickey.

This Doctor Pioneered Counting Calories a Century Ago, and We’re Dealing With the Consequences
–– Can't work them off.

BBQ Experts Say You Need To Stop Making These Mistakes With Pulled Pork
–– Like not unzipping first.

The Cut Of Meat You Shouldn't Pass Up When Dining At A Brazilian Steakhouse
–– Rio waxed loin.

If Red Lobster’s butter-bathed ship is sinking, remember the shrimp
–– Got shelled.

What Is Italy’s Most Prized Stuffed Pasta?
–– The one Uncle Luigi takes to bed.

My quest to unlock the key to Grandma B’s chicken and dumplings
–– Trying to pick it with claw.

‘I’m a Nephrologist and This Is My Favorite Breakfast for Kidney Health'
–– Please say kidney pie, please say kidney pie…

McDonald's is considering a $5 meal deal. Here's what you'd get.
–– Gastroenteritis.

McDonald’s new McFlurry is inspired by grandmothers
–– Old ladies who set you on path to diabetes.

Here's How An Expert Adds Smoky Flavor When Grilling Meat Indoors
–– Use slab as ash tray.

California high schoolers awarded $1 million after 'blackface' claims linked to acne-mask photos
–– Squeezed blackhead.

Teacher Rebecca Joynes faces jail after being found guilty of sex with schoolboys
–– The Joynes of sex.

Sicko steakhouse worker filmed himself peeing in pickles, rubbing his genitals on meat: cops
–– Disgusting –– pork rub on beef?!

14 Facts You Should Know About Outback Steakhouse
–– 1. Australians consider wombat beef.

Death Valley visitor admits to damaging 113-year-old tower in an act of 'desperation'
–– After driving off road into mud in an act of 'dumbfuckery.'

35 Years Later, the Remains Known as ‘Chimney Doe’ Have a Name and a Face
–– Smoked him out?

Florida woman sentenced to 5 years in prison for abusing Husky with rubber mallet: 'Dog lived in fear'
–– Insists she was just testing his reflexes.

We tried to pet all 200 breeds at the Westminster dog show
–– Utterly humiliating them.

Vegan diets may not be best for dogs, after all
–– For you idiots who can't look up carnivore.

Is My Dog Intentionally Trying to Make Me Laugh?
–– After he just told me to kill neighbor?

Patient Dies Weeks After Kidney Transplant From Genetically Modified Pig
–– Pig still has two kidneys, three stomachs, eight legs.

Discover the world's weirdest lizard, who can self-inflate to twice its size and shoot toxic blood from its eye
–– Why would we want to?

What Really Happens to Your Brain When You Almost Die
–– Imagine you’re watching Fear the Walking Dead.

Orcas again sink yacht near Strait of Gibraltar as high-risk season looms
–– Attention all you Mediterranean yachters.

Scientists reveal mysterious origin of Baobab trees, Rafiki's home in 'The Lion King'
–– We need pop reference to be enticed to read about natural wonder?

Do animals owe their existence to a weird and freakish magnetic field collapse millions of years ago? Scientists think so...
–– We want these nuts’ names…

Ancient Roman ‘Service Station’ Discovered during UK Highway Project
–– With first Sbarro.

2,000-year-old toilet bowl found in Roman ruins –– revealing ancient health issue
–– Linked to Sbarro.

How Many Dinosaurs Are There Left To Discover?
–– By my 5-year-old?

’Zombie’ fires break out in Canada after smoldering under frozen surface
–– Always good to immolate monsters.

What is ‘cloud brightening’—and why did California just stop scientists from studying it?
–– Can’t we try to cheer up cumuli?

Ron DeSantis, Whose State Is Literally Sinking, Makes Ignoring Climate Science Official Florida Law
–– Outlaws tide gauges and satellite altimeters.

Dabney Coleman, ‘9 to 5’ Star Who Made a Career Out of Playing Jerks, Dies at 92
–– Creep's out.

Alice Munro, Nobel Literature Winner Revered as Short Story Master, Dies at 92
–– Edited out.

Mark Damon, Actor Turned Indie Film Exec and ‘Monster’ Producer, Dies at 91
–– Damon in the rough.

Roger Corman, Legendary Filmmaker and King of B-Movies, Dies at 98
–– Even so, a Premature Burial.

Roger Corman, the low-budget movie king behind ‘Little Shop of Horrors,’ dies at 98
–– Body to be consumed by Audrey Jr.