TIME SUCK
Week of 12/27/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
‘Duck Dynasty’s’ Phil Robertson Buys Wife Lavish Christmas Gift
–– Hand-carved straight white duck whistle.
Target confirms PIN data stolen
–– According to PIN head.
10 Most Dog-like Cat Breeds
–– That still won't come when you call.
The Most Dangerous Energy Drinks Around the World
–– Hemlock ‘n’ Load, Dead Bull, Jølt.
Alien Planet May Lurk Around Nearby Failed Stars
–– Katherine Heigl and Taylor Kitsch.
Beyoncé Will Make You Cry as She Fulfills Dying Kid’s Wish
–– To knee you in the balls.
A white mayor for ‘the chocolate city’?
–– Willie Wonka?
Cowboys sign teacher for one game
–– To learn them fo-mations.
‘JWoww’ and other celebs expecting
–– To be forgotten shortly.
On Dasher, Dancer, Prancer ... and venison
–– Santa's Boxing Day menu.
Shh, It’s a Secret: Check Out This Hush-Hush McDonald’s Menu
–– McMystery Meat.
440-Pound Woman Trapped in Basement By Obesity
–– Which put bagel with cream cheese and lox on the door.
Peter Schiff: Why Wal-Mart can’t pay $15/hour wages
–– How about $8/hour wages?
Gift inside the box will melt your heart
–– Strontium 90.
Grinch delivers toys after Santa is shot
–– By Cindy Lou Who.
Alan Turing, code-breaker castrated for homosexuality, receives royal pardon
–– Sentence cut, uh, short.
Rev. Jackson: Phil Robertson 'More Offensive' Than Rosa Parks Bus Driver
–– Ducks criticism.
Mysterious object halts construction of Seattle's $3 billion tunnel
–– 200lb. coffee bean.
Do you love your pet too much?
–– Is that your litter?
How Karl Rove went from GOP mastermind to the right's political punching bag
–– He was finally hung from a rafter.
Joe Namath's Daughter Scores Reception of Lost Dog 5 Years Later
–– Broadway Joe scored with her 25 years ago.
5 Ways to Eat Fast Food and Not Break the Bank, or Scale
–– Or wind.
Puck-in-pants goal wins NHL game
–– After causing some high sticking.
Pope’s approval rating sky high
–– Seraphim pad numbers.
Woman's secret Santa turns out to be Bill Gates
–– She wondered who the hell would gift a brown Zune.
Inventor of AK-47 dies
–– NRA presses Vatican for sainthood.
Vin Diesel Confirmed To Play Alien Tree In ‘Guardians Of The Galaxy’: Photo
–– Though producers feared his acting might be too wooden.
Mariah Carey Walks Dog in Aspen Snow Wearing Red Bikini: See the Pictures!
–– She left the bitch’s red snow suit at home.
Wife’s loving letter from beyond the grave
–– Took post office two years to deliver it.
Politician smears Arizona as ‘racist’
–– Neglects to add ‘xenophobic' and 'miasmic.'
Ex-PR exec ‘ashamed’ of AIDS tweet
–– But not for promoting The Daily Beast?
Rand Paul’s ‘Festivus’ grievances
–– He hates the rest of us.
Russia frees Pussy Riot band members
–– By unlocking chastity belts.
Rodman: Basketballers ‘awesome’
–– When you’re smoking Pyongyang Gold.
Cheerleader now carries a rifle
–– To keep Houston Texans’ fans from attacking team.
Cracker Barrel reverses decision to pull Duck Dynasty products
–– In order to put the Cracker back in Barrel.
See why guy holds ‘scumbag’ sign
–– He was waiting to pick up Ted Cruz at the airport.
US hits bin Laden son-in-law with new charges
–– To his toes and testicles.
Washington Post: Gen. Carey ‘behaved like a boor’
–- Outflanked Russians in Boor War.
Skier Vonn’s knee fails number one fan Tiger Woods
–– When it gives out while pleasuring him.
Cracker Barrel Pulls ‘Duck Dynasty’ Products
–– Replaces with Sambo dolls.
Widow in U.S.: I love Benghazi killers
–– Sen. Lindsay Graham: ‘Me, too.’
Pope to priests: Cut the gossip
–– ‘My ass does not look big in these robes.’
Polar bear attacks woman on road
–– In ice cream truck.
PAUL RUT
Week of 12/20/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Peter King: Rand Paul ‘disgraced’ his office
–– In the corner behind a potted plant.
The first ‘smartphone killswitch’ bill
–– Kills which witch?
Beck: Chris Christie is fat nightmare
–– Beck a slightly chubby one.
She can’t eat but she wants to be chef
–– So, priests preach birth control.
U.S. general drinks, annoys Russian
–– Russians; ‘No one likes to be drunk. With a straw.’
Topless photo could put mom in jail
–– It’s of her husband without his head.
Dennis Rodman lands in North Korea
–– Asks “Did I miss the execution?”
Prince’s pet name for Kate in 1 text
–– ‘Little red corvette.’
Rex Ryan felt like Justin Tucker kicked him in the head
–– Experienced some groinal discomfort as well.
A New Option for Dog Neutering
–– Castrating hydrants.
Double-Kudos for Keef! Keith Richards Turns 70 On His 30th Wedding Anniversary
–- Gets one new kidney for each celebration.
Mom Defends Going Overboard on Christmas Gifts for her Kids
–– “They love seaweed and mollusks!”
Food of the Day: ‘The Dirty’ Grilled Cheese at the Melt Shop
–– Those aren’t bits of bacon in it.
Microsoft’s ‘Project Siena’ lets anyone create Windows 8.1 apps
–– Which is how they got just anyone to create Windows 8.
Want to Know What Your Dog is Thinking? This Will Tell You
–– “You paid how much for this?”
Moon’s Newest Crater Revealed in Crash-Site Photo
–– In ex-treeeme closeup.
Sofia Vergara Spills Her Best Beauty Secret
–– Personal assistant vacuums white powder off counter.
Kim Jong-un’s Aunt Now Missing From Photo
–– Kim Jong-il in drag in her place.
How to Make Buche De Noel (Christmas Yule Log)
–– Eat a one-pound goose with all the trimmings and drink a gallon of spiked egg nog.
1 in 200 Women Say They’ve Had a ‘Virgin Pregnancy’
–– 1 in 20 men relieved.
India diplomat says she faced cavity search in NYC
–– By her dentist.
UPDATE: Sarah Palin, Louisiana Governor Weigh In On ‘Duck Dynasty’ Star Controversy
–– Other quacks wait to comment.
5 Most Intelligent Dog Breeds
–– Dobermann Pensées, St. Brainard, Clever Spaniel, Chinese Shar-pie, Wisemaraner.
The Hilarious X-Rated Reason Jennifer Lawrence Wants to Be a Hotel Maid
–– Would like to polish Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s knob.
10 pop-culture robots we love
–– 4. Taylor Swift.
Tippi Hedren Gets $1.5 Million After a Gallon of Water Falls on Her Head
–– Left her feeling ‘tippy.’
Nigella Lawson wrote popular cookbooks during cocaine binges, says former personal assistant
–– Including 4 Courses in 3 Minutes.
Military retirees ‘screwed’ in budget deal
–– But must tip hookers.
Ancient Stonehenge gets an upgrade
–– Granite counter tops.
Radio preacher who predicted doomsday dies
–– Camping out.
Hand grafted onto man’s leg
–– A real knee-slapper.
Pope celebrates birthday with homeless
–– They dine on halved Communion wafers and Thunderbird wine.
Teen suspended after hugging teacher
–– By his thumbs.
Creepy robocall insists it’s human
–– Reince Priebus often has this problem.
10 things Canada does best
–– 4. Gratuitous courtesy.
Soccer player banned for fascist chant
–– Ve are number von.
Steamy deleted ‘Star Trek’ scene
–– Scotty beams up Kirk. Way up.
Google’s new battle robots
–– Their motto: ‘Search and destroy.’
Ikea tents too nice for refugees?
–– Or just too hard to put together?
McCain: ‘I’m disturbed by the CIA’
–– ‘They should get off my lawn!’
As Mandela departs, atrocity emerges
–– The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is not that bad.
Part of polygamy ban struck down
–– You can have a second spouse, but they must be same-sex.
Booze-soaked Santas descend on N.Y.
–– Rudolph slapped with DWI.
Iran: Space monkey in ‘perfect health’
–– Appointed head of nuclear energy commission.
REO cancels SeaWorld gig
–– Dolphins way relieved.
New ‘Naked Gun’ movie in works
–– OJ sends audition tape.
LETH'L KIM
Week of 12/13/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Kim executes his uncle
–– Rodman: 'Told you m'man was gangsta.'
Light bulb ban set to take effect
–– Watt?!!
Stephen Colbert and Megyn Kelly Agree: Santa Is White
–– If you call Eurarctic white.
Miley Cyrus Knows How To Do Christmas
–– The old man likes it when she doesn't shave her "beard."
Christie: Bridge scandal is 'hullabaloo'
–– 'A-go-go.'
Courtney Stodden Dyes Hair, Goes Brunette: "I Feel Born Again"
–– Jesus dyed for our sins.
Ford plans massive expansion
–– Into heroin, LSD, Vicodin and shrooms.
Prince Harry reaches South Pole
–– Is crushed to find Santa isn’t there.
Hawaii official who confirmed Obama birth certificate dies in crash
–– Tea Party contacts McGarrett with murder leads.
7 Dog Breeds that Should Never Be Mixed
–– 4. Borzoil and Spanish Water Dog.
Ready to Paint a Room? 7 Mistakes You Don’t Want to Make
–– 6. Forgetting pet drop cloths.
New Cockroach Species Replacing Oriental Roach in Southwest US
–– Easier to grab with clip and relight.
Nativity Nearly Becomes ‘Duck’ Disaster
–– Robertsons' wing magi.
Is The Universe A Hologram? Physicists Say It’s Possible
–– But they might just be projecting.
Utility pole snaps, lands inside car
-– Lineman from Warsaw taken to psych ward.
Bob Barker picks side in House race
–– Assures lobbyists the price is right.
Danica Patrick takes turn as showgirl
–– Takes straightaway as stripper.
Ridiculed interpreter: I’m a champion of sign language
–– “Can you read this finger?”
Meteor explodes over Arizona
–– Wakes Sen. McCain from nap.
Obama-Castro shake: Now what?
–– The mambo?
$8-a-gallon milk? Don’t worry
–– $35-a-pound butter? Never mind.
‘Revenge porn’ website creator charged
–– Soon to appear on 'jail porn' website.
200,000 people apply to live on Mars
–– Or one third of Wyoming.
How Kim Jun Un purged his uncle
–– With a kimchi, castor oil and milk of magnesia cocktail.
Congressman hosts gun safety event for kids on Newtown anniversary
–– And The Dark Knight Rises movie night on Aurora anniversary.
When stay-at-home dads embarrass
–– Dusting in the nude.
Old churches reborn as nightclubs
–– With pope-wannabe bouncers.
Ex-Men’s Wearhouse boss’ ugly firing
–– Wolverine wheeled him out screaming.
‘Sound of Music’ actress Eleanor Parker dies at 91
–– After seeing NBC’s live production.
Oldest human DNA found in Spain
–– On Charo’s dress.
Sources: Russian spies bilked Medicaid
–– Trying to cure Cold War.
Guess where satanists want a statue?
–– Michelle Bachmann’s garden?
Kaye Middleton Changed Her Part, and Our Heads Exploded
–– Which changed our parts!
If WalMart Jobs Are So Terrible Then Why Do So Many People Want One?
–– They’re bored with their high-paying jobs at Goldman Sachs.
Officer Who Fired on Runaway Family’s Minivan Fired
–– On Runaway Family’s Minivan.
Is Dark Matter Made of Tiny Black Holes?
–– Sewn together with moon beams?
Man Trapped in Empty Dark Plane Cabin at Houston Airport
–– Governor Perry ‘never panicked.’
Rand Paul: Unemployment Benefits Extension Would Be A ‘Disservice’ To Workers
–– Hunger and homelessness would ‘reward’ them.
10 Signs Your Man Is A Psychopath
–– 3. Begins to sound like Rand Paul.
Do Dogs Need Coats or Sweaters? Only 3 Types Do
–– Dachshunds, whippets, and those owned by douches.
Former bartender turns wine into water
–– Dubbed Antichrist.
Sheriff won’t lower flag for Mandela
–- KKK sheets at full mast.
Lawmaker: Terrorism threat growing
–– In direct proportion to my request for anti-terror funding.
Violent “Sharkeisha’ video goes viral
–– Will face Piranhaconda in Syfy Original Movie.
Surprising Mandela Facts
–– Requested Dave Chapelle play him in Invictus.
D'OH-RE-MI
Week of 12/06/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
'Sound of Music' Ratings Sing for NBC Thursday Night
–– If only the ratings could act.
11 Things You Never Knew You Could Find at Costco
–– 8. A case of herpes.
There’s a New Type of Boredom, and Everyone Is Feeling It
–– I felt it halfway through this headline.
Taking pics with imaginary girlfriend
–– Tom Cruise never looked happier.
Amanda Bynes wants to go to school
–– Just to score some cheap weed.
Crocs hunt with sticks, researchers say
–– "Small dogs come to fetch and 'snap', we got 'em."
Can GOP’s Cantor talk to women?
–– Damn, he can sing them Kol Nidre.
Mexico: All stolen cobalt-60 found
–– In 5-alarm burritos.
Top Army Watchdog Signed Off On Unwanted $36 Million Complex Afghanistan
–– Was licking his balls when it was approved.
Metta World Peace Says Pasta Sparked Heated Argument With Kenyon Martin
–– Clashed over whether Knicks were more like limp spaghetti or linguini.
Lisa Lampanelli –– Check Me Out … I’m F******* Skinny!
–– And still not funny.
Julianne Hough Undergoes Hair Transformation, Wows With Extensions And Bangs
–– Bangs who?
Wendy’s Employee –– SERVES MARIJUANA BURGER –– Gets Arrested, Fired
–– While customer placed a dozen orders of fries.
There’s a Change Coming to the Chick-Fil-A Chicken Sandwich
–– Gay mayo.
Global-warming ‘proof’ is evaporating
–– In the super-heated atmosphere caused by ozone depletion.
Most-arrested man to face judge as friends hope for ‘Christmas miracle’
–– Santa delivering a fifth to his cell.
Microsoft developing a ‘smart’ bra
–– For boobs.
Boehner rejects ‘do nothing’ label
–– ‘I won’t lift a finger to dignify that.’
Pope: I was once a bar bouncer
–– 'And one time, a priest, a rabbi and a minister walked in…'
Rowdy Seattle Seahawks fans register as earthquake during Monday Night Football
–– Triple shot espressos banned in fourth quarter.
Chimps are ‘legal persons,’ suits claim
–– And eligible to run for Congress.
Lost WWII mega-sub found
–– Bread stale, but cold cuts still edible.
Polio causes 43-year hospital stay
–– Which bankrupted 3 insurance companies and Medicare.
Why was this Denver Bronco crying?
–– Peyton Manning is sooo awesome.
‘Volton’ Turns 30 With Awesome New Diecast Action Figure
–– Feels 'transformed.'
262 Pounds of Pot Falls From The San Diego Sky, Two Arrested
–– Jerry Garcia and a very high St. Peter.
Kim Kardashian’s Little Black Dress Has Us Scratching Our Heads
–– And her scratching her crotch.
3 Signs You Should Call Off The Wedding
–– 2. He puts a birth control ring on your finger.
Black Friday in Unemployed America
–- With specials on refrigerator cartons and newspaper bedding.
Here’s A Mind-Blowing Picture Of The Grand Canyon That Only Happens Once Every 10 Years
–– It takes that long to get back from Fotomat.
‘Killer Nanny’ Expecting Baby
–– To taste good.
Landry Thompson, 13, Taken Into Custody After Dozing Off In Dance Instructor’s Car
–– By alien chorus boys.
12 more annoying airplane behaviors
–– 7. Pilots who hum over PA.
‘Homeless Mozart’ can’t read music
–– Or spell Amadeus.
Victoria Beckham’s tiara costs more than your car
–– Even my Crown Victoria?
Limbaugh: Pope preaches Marxism
–– Holy Commie union!
Bad Eating Habits Start in the Womb
–– With Whammnio Fruity Fluid.
Suspicious death at NFL stadium
–– Of Jets’ season.
Shanghai smog 10 times safe levels
–– Loses face in it.
Amazon says drone deliveries are the future
–– Of personal injury lawsuits.
Mom: Get ‘yes’ text before sex
–– And ‘yesssss’ text during it.
World’s ugliest dog dies
–– Of mortification.
Stun gun used in Black Friday brawl
–– $19.95 for a limited time!
Korea Accuses Captive Veteran of War Crimes
–– And of having wizardly powers.
Brussels sprouts power Christmas tree
–– WIth methane gas.
Hunter nabs huge 772-lb. bear
–– Provide example of redundant.
Humpback whale gets REALLY close
–– Close enough to hump back.