THE MILEY HIGH CLUB
Week of 08/30/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Miley Cyrus’ VMAs Scandal -- the Muslim Connection Exposed!
–– Choreographed by Islamofascists in Twerkmenistan!
Russian, NORAD forces unite for exercise
–– Elbow bends at the vodka bar.
NBA Star Lamar Odom arrested
–– For his part in perpetrating Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
Fake Chicago cabbie scams student from China for $4200
–– Part of U.S. plot to pay back $1 triilion debt.
Fonzworth Bentley Welcomes Baby With Wife Faune Chambers Watkins, Talks Fatherhood With Kanye West
–– And advice on naming child –– his first choice: Ay!wood.
‘Walking’ shark discovered in Indonesia
–– And man, are his fins barking.
Kittens halt NYC subway service
–– On the B and QT trains.
Feds loosen up on weed
–– And cheap red wine.
Ban Ki-moon pleads for time on Syria investigation
–– UN inspectors still unloading their Dick Tracy Biohazard Detectors.
Believe it or Not: These 5 Celebrities own Chain Restaurants
–– 4. Susan Sarandon: Popeye’s.
America’s Most Popular Six-Figure Jobs
–– Sextets.
Jessica Simpson Shows Off Son Ace Knute for the First Time
–– Before he sues to legally change his name.
Obama Refused to Send Gas Masks
–– To Congress’ Annual Chili Cook-Off.
And the Winner Is…A Chimpanzee
–– In Iowa’s latest Republican Presidential straw poll.
Hayden Panettiere Gets Blunt Bangs, Goes Platinum Blonde
–– Which we think means sex with Rastafarians.
Saudi prince’s swipe at tiny Qatar draws riposte
–– In charcoal.
The Funny Personality Trait Most Likely to Land You a Job
–– A tendency to threaten with loaded weapons.
More People Giving Pets Human Names
–– And naming their children Rex, Fido and Spot.
The Sweet, Chewy Snack that Keeps You Full All Afternoon Long
–– Babies.
NK leaders’s ex-lover executed
–– Last words: “Still better than sex with him.’
Fast food strikes hit 50 cities
–– Average BMI drops 5%.
Surgeons shrink Indian child’s head
–– Warn parents about overpraising him.
Blood worms in town’s water
–– Tastes like Clamato Juice.
Billy Ray Cyrus: ‘She’s still my little girl’
–– ‘But I can’t let her sit on my lap no more.’
Frontline Concussion Doc Now Airing in One Night Rather Than Two
–– And he’s still pretty woozy.
Small drone crashes into spectators
–– But Sen. Franken keeps on talking.
‘CSI’ star has spat with producers
–– ‘On’ not ‘with’.
Cursed by Madden for 15 years
–– But his wife is used to it.
Measles hit faith-healing church
–– Pastor makes rash decision.
Millionaires at the Federal Reserve
–– Make withdrawals from their personal accounts.
AEG expert: MJ was a drug addict
–– And: He had two arms and two legs.
Paper calls Chris Christie ‘fatso’
–– Adhering to strict standards for accurate reporting.
Perez Hilton Beats MTV’s '16 and Pregnant’ Star in Court
–– With a pregnancy test stick.
Married nearly 66 years, Ohio couple dies on same day
–– Wife rests in peace, for 11 hours.
Teen wakes to wolf biting his head
–– Vows to stop wearing deerskin nightcap.
I’m melting! Midwest swelters
–– Smells like bacon.
Admit it, you’re not ready for disaster
–– The Lone Ranger really blindsided you.
First look at new, bigger Dreamliner
–– Burns even faster!
Who will be the next Steve Ballmer?
–– Pointy-haired boss?
Voice teacher stuns Kristin Chenoweth
–– Tased for ‘excessive perkiness.’
5 toughest work conversations
–– 2. ‘Y’know that toilet in the men’s big and tall department? It’s clogged again.’
Mother moose unleashes road rage
–– Drives elk off road.
Crocodile takes man in Australia
–– As his wife.
Bin Laden’s Parrots Blood Fuel Boom in Pakistan Artists
–– Play guess-the-verb.
Mike Tyson: I lied about sobriety
–– But only because I was so fucked up.
Trump facing $40-million lawsuit
–– Sued by his hairs.
‘He’ or ‘she’? Who decides?
–– Shim.
‘You’re at CNN; you can do that!’
–– ‘Y’know, just make shit up.’
See panda mom hover over new cub
–– Zookeepers discourage helicopter parents.
Whole Foods selling records
–– Of where their free range chickens went to school.
Man finds 285 lb. surprise in safe
–– Forgot it was where he stowed his dismembered wife.
Calif. mayor resigns, cites ‘lynch mob’
–– ‘With nice asses.’
Putin bans protests at Olympics
–– But will let Johnny Weir perform highlights from Kinky Boots on ice.
DON'T HAVE A KOWTOW
Week of 08/23/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
MacFarlane show called racist
–– He sneers, "Me so solly.'
George Lucas Buys $10 Million in Starbucks Stock
–– Stopped reading sign after Star…
Stolen Photo Wins Samsung Camera Contest
–– Stolen ideas won them their business.
Gambling queen Pansy Ho primes business empire for a new Macau
–– Not a new gay brothel.
Radioactive groundwater at Fukushima nears Pacific
–– Godzilla simply smiles.
Ben Affleck Working Out Two Hours a Day for Batman Role in Man of Steel Sequel
–– On his jaw muscles.
Richie Sambora Leaves Bon Jovi After 30 Years
–– Band’s hair spray budget slashed in half.
Scouts: Tebow not fit for NFL skills
–– Pats designate him holy water boy.
Ex-NFL player: ‘I think I’m going crazy’
–– ‘The Steelers said if I’m homicidal they want me back.’
Microsoft rallies on Ballmer news
–– CEOs of RIM, AOL, and Yahoo! get the memo.
HuffPo to ban anonymous comments
–– How about unpaid commentary?
Effort to clone Lennon advances
–– To replace guitarist in Beatles tribute band.
Glenn Greenwald’s partner David Miranda wins partial court victory
–– Allows digital searches for leaked documents.
Obama evolving on marijuana?
–– If you can call enlarged breasts and the munchies evolution.
The Amazing Mating Dance of the Peacock Spider
–– Even Peter Parker is hard.
Pentagon cuts F-35 operating estimate below $1trillion: source
–– Kept in the gold-plated toilet seats.
Teen May Be Only Third To Survive Brain Eating Amoeba
–– After Ann Coulter and Anthony Weiner.
Mandy Patinkin on His Chicago Hope and Criminal Minds Stints; “I Behaved Abominably”
–– And acted badly.
Ex-pope Benedict says “God told me” to resign-report
–– Actually, he adjusted his combover and said, ‘You’re fired!’
US Institute: Iran asphalts possible nuke site
–– Will charge $2 per hour for parking ICBMs.
Reputation, Regulatory Issues Dog Cruise Industry
–– Tom haunted by gay rumors and PED bans.
Russian spacewalkers stumped by faulty equipment
–– HAL says ‘Prosti, Dave.’
Public school kids no longer forced to kneel before principal
–– He’s willing to stand on step stool.
The Moistest Banana Bread Ever
–– Just add your all-natural ingredient.
New Glue-Spitting Velvet Worm Found in Vietnam
–– Sticky-Snapz® to replace velcro.
Bradley Manning says he wants to live as a woman, be called Chelsea
–– ‘Are you there, Warden? It’s me, Chelsea.’
‘Prison Break’ actor comes out
–– Escapes from closet.
Nixon’s ‘S.O.B. Watergate’ tapes released
–– The bitch is back.
‘Partridge’ star arrested
–– Almost wrapped himself around a pear tree.
Is Oreos Double Stuf really 1.86 Stuf?
–– Get double-stuffed!
A blessing and curse for Gov. Christie
–– Deep-fried Twinkies.
Maine governor denies saying Obama ‘hates white people’
–– Really said he ‘ate’ them.
Tesla crash test: ‘better than perfect’
–– Says Elon Musk.
Cruz renounces Canada citizenship
–– PM thanks him.
Is this guy 123 years old? Some doubt it
–– Barbara Walters: ‘I don’t remember him.’
Robin Thicke: I didn’t copy ’Lines’
–– ‘I snorted them.’
What finally woke up Lohan
–– The horse tranquilizer wore off.
Dick Van Dyke helped from burning car
–– It was smoking like a chim chim-in-ey.
The Calling singer: I was abducted
–– ‘I almost missed my Calling.’
King offers help to 1,345-pound man.
–– Burger King.
5 Insane Student Loan Stats
–– 3. James Holmes has an interest rate of 6.8%.
Prince William; Prince George Reminds Me of His Uncle Prince Harry
–– Red-faced, bare-assed and dribbling on himself.
Iran may be limiting sensitive nuclear stockpile: diplomats
–– Radioactive diplomats are the brightest.
A teen’s digital nightmare
–– Dreamed he choked the chicken.
Hostage standoff in German city
–– Where people are naturally standoffish.
Christie to sign conversion therapy ban
–– Marcus Bachmann hisses ‘that queen!’
CIA admits role in ’53 Iran coup
–– Shah‘nuff.
Ryan Lochte Takes His Talents to Las Vegas to Celebrate His 29th Birthday
–– Will dive from plank and do laps during Treasure Island’s Pirate Show.
Obama golfs with Larry David
–– He was prett-ay, prett-ay, prett-ay pretty bad.
University buys bulletproof whiteboards
–– And camo mortarboards.
Metal rod impales man’s head
–– Able to pick up Sirius XM Radio without an antenna.
1 man, 28,000 prank calls to police
–– George Zimmerman really needs to get a job.
Tejada: I Used Adderall for ADHD
–– Ain’t Damn Hittin’ Disease.
40 pythons seized from motel room
–– In sex party raid.
Madonna at 55
–– Looks like she’s doing 70.
A-ROD AND REEL
Week of 08/16/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Report: A-Rod camp implicated others
–– Gave sport 'shot in the arm.'
Man accused of blowing up his dog
–– It was a bomberanian.
Oprah: N-word doesn't define me
–– 'But I am a narcissist.'
Romanian princess busted in Ore.
–– Authorities term it a Bucharest.
Area 51 officially acknowledged
–– By Beldar Conehead.
Christie delivers GOP tough love
–– Bitch slaps Reince Priebus.
Paralyzed US Swimmer Banned From Paralympics
–– May serve as pool buoy.
Andy Cohen Blasts Back at Russia, Boycotts Miss Universe pageant
–– Putin returns Housewives of Beverly Hills ‘Life is a Journey’ V-Neck T-Shirt.
Enough! You’re Wrong About Bonds
–– Connery totally smokes Craig!
Amanda Seyfried, Justin Long Are Dating: “They're Seeing Where it Goes”
–– After playing Linda Lovelace, she’s not sure where it goes.
Early Humans Lived in China 1.7 Million Years Ago
–– Were making iShards for hominids in Eurasia.
10 Little-Known facts About Marvel
–– 5. Peter Parker’s mother’s maiden name was Spidermann.
Why ‘Lee Daniels’ The Butler’ Has 41 Producers
–– Oprah’s personal assistant was on vacation.
Yogo truck driver pulls knife on Mister Softee rival in midtown ice cream turf war
–– Mister Softee driver defends himself with jagged broken sugar cone.
How Obama kept busy during OBL raid
–– Knitting NAVY Seal beer koozies.
Court sees Manning in wig photo
–– Rules it clashes with his dress blues.
Debbie Rowe: Doctors like vultures
–– They like anything that picks at corpses.
New York Times’ website down
–– Bummed about all those lost ad dollars.
Jesse Jackson Jr. gets 30 months
–– Plots to steal 6 more.
Birds ‘save’ Fleiss from pot bust
–– Fleiss: the coup.
Men tired of paying for dates
–– Demand free figs, as well.
ESPN fires host after incident
–– He appeared ‘insufficiently smarmy’ in public.
Can Cruz run for president?
–– Do bears shit on the Constitution?
San Diego Hooters bans mayor
–– ‘Even for us, he’s too big a boob.’
Boy contracts brain-eating amoeba
–– To ghostwrite his inspirational autobiography.
Family adopts embryos, gets shock
–– They lied about their ages.
Deadly final voyage for ‘Love Boat’
–– Capt. Stubing walks plank.
As Kids Get Fatter, Britain Mulls Drastic Measures
–– Low-fat spotted dick!
6 Things Martha Stewart Thinks You Should Do Before August Ends
–– Crochet decorative underarm sweat pads.
Gross! 15-Ton Blob of Fat Growing in Sewer
–– Beneath Governor’s mansion in Trenton.
How to Make 5 Iconic McDonald’s Menu Items at Home
–– 4. McRib. Step one: Catch rat and butcher.
Here are some photos of Kim Jong-un inspecting the first North Korean smartphone
–– In this one he holds the shoe up to his left ear.
Michael Jordan can still dunk at age 50
–– A cronut.
Out of Birth Order: 7 Ways You Know You’re a Middle Child
–– 1. You’ve met you’re older and younger siblings.
Watch: ‘The Man with the 132 lb. Scrotum’ goes for a walk
–– Actually it’s more of a ‘sack race.‘
Judge: Baby name can’t be Messiah
–– So rules the Honorable Jesus H. Christ.
‘Slap Hillary’ game causes uproar
–– Rod’em Sod’em Robots.
San Diego mayor ends rehab early
–– Pinches female counsellor in disbelief.
Sinkhole opens near Disney
–– Turned into new Journey to the Center of the Earth ride.
Blackberry may be sold
–– First one this quarter.
AOL boss fires worker in front of 1,000
–– Says, ‘you’ve got nailed.’
Rodeo clown mocks Obama at state fair
–– But admits to ‘crying on the inside.’
Cardboard cop stops real crime
–– Of stealing life-size cutouts.
100,000 apply to die on Mars
–– Or live in Uranus.
Missing tot found on street
–– Selling uncut formula.
Skinny dippers warned of biting fish
–– Told not to dangle bait.
This man cost the Navy a submarine
–– Ham and swiss with mayo.
Doctor allegedly stole, sold twin girls
–– In special two-for-one sale.
Don Lemon responds to Simmons
–– ‘You can suck this Lemon, bitch.’
Man allegedly kills wife, posts photo
–– But doesn’t unfriend her.
Thieves return computers, leave apology
–– ‘Sorry you had to buy Compaqs.’
Clerk won’t let Oprah see handbag
–– Makes her choose by O-sense alone.
Religious family abandons US, gets lost at sea
–– Ark springs leak when rhinos mate.
The rise and fall of teen pregnancy
–– Knocked up and knocked down.
Elephants take revenge on village after herd member is struck by train
–– No trumpet solos for a year.
Marvel artist Kirby’s heirs lose appeal over copyrights
–– Publisher redubbed House of Stolen Ideas.
GAS BAGS
Week of 08/09/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
McConnell aide says ‘holding my nose’ in job
–– Boss said to be 'silent, but deadly.'
Cops: Suspect is 'capable of anything'
–– 'He turned into a man-eating cactus!'
U.S. evacuates diplomats in Pakistan
–– Diplomats evacuate selves.
Danish Muslim leader regrets role in cartoon rage
–– But not cartoon religion.
Fans divided over Beyonce’s new ‘do
–– Most say it smells like roses.
New clues about bee apocalypse
–– Scientific community abuzz.
Philly groundskeeper gets lost under tarp
–– While trying to flush out Phanatic.
Sanjay Gupta: I was wrong about weed
–– I mean, like, weed about wrong.
Nursing mom shamed at Chick-fil-A
–– By walking in front door.
Tesla aces its first crash test
–– But dummy electrocuted.
Woman Accused of Cruelty After Refusing Dog Surgery
–– Said she preferred a human doctor.
He bought her drinks, now faces jail
–– Cyanide slings.
See pink planet 57 light years away
–– It’s wearing a hot sequined number.
Shark found on NYC subway car
–– Rumbling with Jet.
‘Lovelace’ wins ‘Deep Throat’ suit
–– On oral argument.
Police: ‘Sandlot’ actor head-butts officer
–– Still doesn’t jog his memory.
Flowerpot Munchkin from ‘Oz’ dies
–– Replanted in a tasteful ceremony.
Long-lost early Orson Welles film ‘Too Much Johnson’ recovered
–– Pioneering porno originally entitled ‘Citizen Came.’
Why am I getting Amber Alerts?
–– Because of the muffled cries emanating from your cellar.
Yahoo is getting a new logo
–– Microsoft Zune gets catchy new jingle.
Yemen, on Alert for Terrorism, Claims It Foiled a Qaeda Plot
–– Also claims it invented Cronut.
Chris Brown may quit music
–– He’s kicking around the idea.
Childhood obesity: Finally, good news
–– Cannibalism is down.
McCain says what Obama won’t
–– ‘I’m a cranky, old white guy.’
Pete Rose: Come forward. Don’t lie.
–– Bet on it.
Chelsea Clinton open for office run?
–– For some donuts and coffee?
Chris Christie on his ‘lowest point’
–– His navel in a Speedo.
Amazon’s Bezos buys Washington Post
–– Allowed to return it in 30 days.
MTV orders virgins reality show
–– They refuse to watch it.
Beauty queen arrested in bomb case
–– Wins Miss Combustibility.
50 Cent enters not guilty plea
–– Prosecutor: ‘Not worth two bits.’
Source; al Qaeda leader urged affiliate to ‘do something’
–– ‘I’m not getting any crazier.’’
Time Warner Cable: We’ll End Blackout If We Can Offer CBS A La Carte
–– With a fork in it.
Cubans now get to do this…
–– Use Fidel Castro as a doorstop.
Tawana Brawley starts paying man she falsely accused of rape in 1987
–– To get attention Al Sharpton falsely accuses Sean Hannity of sexual harassment.
Republican Chairman Threatens to Block 2016 Primary Debates If NBC, CNN Proceed With Hillary Clinton Projects
–– Public responds,‘You promise?’
Lab-Grown Burger Gets a Taste Test
–– Tastes like test-tube chicken.
10 things Italy does better than anywhere else
–– 7. Coitus interruptus.
As PED-Day looms, will it deter drugs in baseball?
–– Yes, but not pederasts.
One-Way Mars Trip: Aspiring Martian Colonists Land in Washington
–– To get acclimated to a hostile, alien environment.
Paris Hilton’s Malibu Home Robbed for the Seventh Time: “I Have Bad Luck”
–– ‘But thank God they got my sex tapes.’
How to Get Rid of Fruit Flies
–– Gaydar.
Oprah to Lindsay Lohan: Are you an addict?
–– Also asks, ‘If you were a vegetable, what kind would you be?’
Award-Winning Halupki Recipe
–– You just need some shmutzka, czszck, vsczkzsck and an onion.
Meet superhero ‘Burqa Avenger’
–– And her archfoe, ‘The Talibandit.’
‘Chewbacca bat,’ other bizarre species
–– ‘Jobba the hamster’, ‘C-3POyster’, “Darth viper’, “Jar Jar lynx’.
Why Does My Dog…Eat His Food Away from His Bowl?
–– At McDonald’s?
Joan Rivers Curses Out WGA East
–– Says, “I haven’t seen a bigger pile of bullshit since Babe the Blue Ox ate that taco stand.’
Mugabe declared winner in Zimbabwe
–– Zimbabwe declared loser.
‘Filner grabbed my derriére’
–– ‘And French-kissed my poodle.’
Huge sinkhole leaves locals in awe
–– As in ‘Awe, shit.’
Angry dolphin attacks people
–– Sick of Flipper jokes.
Original Klingon dies at 91
–– Couldn’t cling on any longer.
PEN AND ICK
Week of 08/02/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Italy’s Berlusconi sentenced to prison
–– At Milan's Bunga Bunga Correctional Facility.
Glee Likely to End After Season 6, Unless…
–– Gay population doubles.
New Doctor Who coming Sunday
–– Who is coming Sunday.
Fans Think They Discovered The Secret Code Name For ‘Star Wars: Episode VII’
–– Same Old Sith.
KFC Is Sending Fried Chicken To A Family Which Woke Up With A 7ft Tall Empty Bucket In Their Yard
–– White Castle is sending sliders to a family which woke up to a septic tank that exploded.
The Turtle Ate My Baby: Why Newborns and Pets Don’t Mix
–– Unless you have a blender.
Prostitutes fight for $1.50 clients
–– Claim they’re big tippers.
The queen’s secret WWIII speech
–– For when England defeats Mars.
Zimmerman pulled over in Texas
–– Ticketed for not carrying a big enough gun.
Student left in cell: Urine saved me
–– It takes a whiz.
Bishop: Pope was ‘on a high’
–– Vatican to replace wine with grape juice.
McCain has an oops moment
–– Rokers in Senate chamber.
SD mayor: Whispers became shouts
–– When women couldn’t hear his creepy come-ons.
Bread Is Losing Its Place at the French Table
–– No pain, no gain.
Burger King Worldwide profit jumps 30 pct
–– And other Whoppers.
Cops shoot unarmed, misidentified man
–– NRA rallies for concealed weapons and name tags.
Bit of hope for girl fighting amoeba
–– Single-cell organism only has a yellow belt.
Feds: Girl put in box to ‘teach’ her
–– Geometry.
Saudi blogger sentenced to 600 lashes
–– For his listicle, Top Ten Gay Sheikhs.
Salad mix behind cyclospora outbreak
–– Classic Seizure Salad.
Scientists create teeth from urine
–– Forget the whitener.
Paul to Christie: He’s king of bacon
–– I’m queen of mad cow!
Sharon Stone reveals how aging changed her
–– By looking into camera.
Grizzlies Get Big Benefit from Wolves
–– Pre-chewed game.
The 5 Most Awkward Moments During Journalist’s Contentious Interview With Muslim Author Behind Jesus Book
–– 2. Offers him a slice of Easter ham.
Gays Bars’ Ban on Russian Vodka Is Going Global
–– But patrons simply can’t resist Black Russians.
Rad or Bad: Septum Doorknockers
–– Who nose?
6 Things You’ve Been Cleaning Wrong
–– 5. Your perineum.
Playful meerkat giggles while being tickled
–– But sues when mongoosed.
Actress Leah Remini gives clues about Scientology split
–– The acid wore off.
2 ‘Real Housewives of NJ’ stars charged with fraud
–– Off screen.
Court: Giant sodas OK in New York
–– But need to be leashed.
Pope on gays: ‘Who am I to judge?’
–– ‘You’re the friggin’ Pope, man. It’s what you do.’
Surfers riot, clash with police
–– Authorities hang five.
Squirrel tests positive for plague
–– After an examination of his nuts.
Twerking Not Allowed at Dizzy Feet Celebration of Dance
–– Twipping is.
Raw: Mega Mushroom Causes Stir in China Village
–– Townsfollk hallucinate that they live in Oz.
Drinking Water Might Just Make You Smarter
–– If the alternative is Bud Lite.
“Chaka Khan Day” culminates with street named after musician
–– Patti LaBelle.
Turkey Captures Bird, Accuses It of Spying for Israel –– See Why They Finally Let It Go
–– It wasn’t circumcised.
It Makes No Sense To Poo-Poo On the Jump In Part-Time Jobs
–– But it makes more sense than this headline.
Jennifer Aniston: Justin Theroux and I “Already Feel Married”
–– I've lost respect for him and we've stopped having sex.
5 Finger Lickin’ Indian Recipes that Are Meatless and Dairy Free!
–– But only if you have vegan fingers.
Weiner’s campaign manager quits
–– Sexts ex-boss selfie with message, “Poll this.”
Robber to man; ‘This is for Trayvon’
–– Takes wallet, hands him Skittles and Arizona Watermelon Fruit Juice Cocktail.
Ex-Cleveland captive on stage
–– In The Prisoner of Second Avenue.
‘Boycott Florida’ isn’t so simple
–– Oh, it’s pretty simple.
Castro deal avoids execution
–– Includes a dozen cigars.
Sterilization victims to get compensation
–– $50,000 and a photo of Honey Boo Boo.
A ‘birther’ movement rises in Venezuela
–– Along with other warning signs of mental illness.
Diver: I saw two mountains in the water
–– Sofia Vergara doing the backstroke.