YEEZ WHIZ!
Week of 09/27/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Kanye West tweets angrily at Jimmy Kimmel
–– Yeezus wept.
Willie Nelson robbed after show
–– Pot stash safe in beard safe.
Feds offer Detroit $300 million
–– To just go away.
The One Poll Question That Shows How Confused Americans Are About Obamacare
–– Would you support the plan if it covered Ted Cruz Syndrome?
Bags of jewels found atop glacier
–– That’s why they call it ice.
Fey forgets top in ‘SNL’ promo
–– Which stars two boobs and her tits.
Miley Cyrus Reveals the Moment She Knew Her Engagement Was Over
–– When he refused to twerk it out.
‘Dancing With the Stars’ Competitor Bill Nye Injured
–– Straining his credulity.
Why does everyone hate the Tea Party?
–– Sentience.
Guilty pleas in car parts conspiracy
–– On assault and battery.
The Flavor Graveyard: 5 Ben & Jerry’s Flavors that Didn’t Last
–– 3. Cheese & Chong.
Wild pigs scare Atlanta suburb
–– On Real Housewives shoot.
Why ‘Shark Tank’ Investors Had Absolutely No Interest In A Gourmet Pickle Business
–– They soured on the deal.
Stand up to the biggest bully in the room: mental illness
–– If you are hallucinating anthropomorphized psychological states.
Top Five Retired WWE Titles
–– 2. Pins and Prejudice by Steve Austin.
Shortlist of artists announced for London’s “Fourth Plinth” in Trafalgar Square
–– Including the Artist formerly known as Plinth.
Photo: Does Arnold Schwarzenegger Have a New Blonde Girlfriend
–– Or is that Stallone in a wig?
First gay wedding stuns in Korea
–– When couple does it Gangnam style.
E-cigarette sets boy on fire
–– When he lights it with blow torch.
Iran’s new president: Yes, the Holocaust happened
–– Why do you think I am smiling?
Why strippers love the U.N. meeting
–– Acting under secretaries.
Emmys: Yes, That Was Mick Jagger at All Those Parties
–– No, that was not the ghost of Don Knotts.
Andy Samberg weds longtime girlfriend Joanna Newsom
–– Thirteen guests shoot selves in ear when she performs Peach Plum Pear.
Miss Piggy joins Kermit at Smithsonian
–– Skinned, under glass.
NFLer wrecks SUV after dropping pizza
–– Penalized 5 slices.
CEO likens bonus criticism to lynchings
–– With velvet nooses.
Will Obama, Iran’s president shake?
–– Only if they think about press coverage back home.
White supremacists want own town
–– In addition to Boston?
Disney tightens resort disability program
–– Captain Hook banned from Disney World.
DQ manager’s deed goes viral
–– And four die of food poisoning.
Does this dog look like Putin?
–– Let me see him without his shirt.
Wonder Bread is back
–– Many thought it was toast.
Crashes abound in Red Bull contest
–– Once the caffeine wears off.
Air Force Kills Fly with Sledgehammer
–– In no-fly zone.
Palin: Hillary Clinton unfit for WH
–– Palin unfit for WC.
Cops: Teens planned to eat mom’s liver
–– If she served it with mac ‘n’ cheese.
German voters back Merkel
–– They got their ja jas out.
Soros to marry for third time with three-day New York celebration
–– One day for each 14 years of the couple's age differential.
Actress had poop emergency in HOV lane
–– While riding a Ford Probe.
9 rules for surviving Oktoberfest
–– 7. Coat your stein with a liquid antacid.
Hillary Clinton on WH run: ‘I”m realistic’
–– ‘Though my hair is cartoonish.’
Priest’s ‘altar’-cation goes viral
–– Excuse me, but is that what lay people call a pun?
1.3 tons of cocaine found on flight
–– Which made it from NY to LA in 90 minutes.
Actress enjoys X-rated cookbook
–– Especially recipe for sausage stuffing.
CARNIVAL CRUZ
Week of 09/20/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Ted Cruz's origins continue to haunt him
–– Sad memories of the Calgary Zoo Primate House.
Disney Princesses in Pants: Finally!
–– Mine!
Is this the year the Bulls get past the Heat?
–– And stop chasing the cows?
2-year-old gets weight loss surgery
–– To land Pampers ad.
Queen pours her dogs’ gravy, says book on royal love for animals
–– Over the servant’s arm upon which they will chew.
Here’s What McDonald’s And Dunkin’ Donuts Had To Say About Customers Bringing Guns Into Their Stores
–– ‘You want fires with that?’
Dog Still Seeking a Home After Eight Years in Shelter
–– Can’t afford mortgage rates.
House OKs $40 billion food stamp cut
–– Will replace $20 food vouchers with Forever stamps.
Bachmann compares Obama to tyrant
–– Ugandan strongman Eydie Gorme.
Kerry: Don’t debate what we already know
–– Before we didn’t know it.
Gov’t shutdown gears in motion
–– How will we be able to tell when it stops?
Pope; Leave gays alone
–– They’re trying to serve communion!
Soaring Onion Prices Send India’s Inflation to Six-month High
–– Cooks brought to tears.
Discovered Skeletons No Longer Jane Does 6 Years Later
–– Does what 6 years later?
When Did Sean Hayes and Todd Milliner Take Over TV?
–– When it became unwatchable.
Julie Chen; ‘I have never had a nose job’
–– ‘Nor a real job.’
Cop: Officer ogled Whitney’s corpse
–– Quipped: ‘I’d like to reopen that cold case.’
Diver: ‘You could see skeletal remains’
–– In Janice Dickinson’s swimming pool.
Tom Delay’s conviction tossed
–– With arugula.
Same, old pathetic Browns
–– Dan and Jerry.
Gov.: Obamacare’s like the Titanic
–– Perry added: ‘And ah’m like the iceberg.’
Court: Facebook ‘liking’ is free speech
–– And 'criminally sad.’
Police stumble upon corpses in lake
–– While walking on water.
What’s dirtier … your tablet or toilet?
–– Did you bookmark the Farrah Abraham sex tape?
U.N. report: Atrocities in N. Korea
–– Aside from Kim Jun-un’s fashion sense.
First the ‘butt fumble’, now this…
–– The ‘butt dribble.’
Why is Pam Anderson on the run?
–– Her boobs got loose.
How much sex is considered exercise?
–– A fuck load.
Cookie Monster Changes His Eating Habits
–– ‘Me want cukie!’
America’s 5 Most Outrageously Insane State Fair Foods
–– 3. Chicken-fried Manson.
Size matters at China bodybuilding contest
–– Just ask winner Wan Lang Dong.
Mariano Rivera leaves a message in the Fenway Park bullpen
–– By relieving himself.
US wakes up to a Miss America of Indian descent
–– After fainting when they saw she wasn’t wearing a feathered headdress.
The Couple That Has 2,000-Year-Old Archaeological Treasures Under Their House
–– Meets the Tuts.
Distracted Obama struggles with economy
–– Can’t get past level 2 of Angry Birds Star Wars.
Rapper Gucci Mane arrested
–– For designer haircut theft.
Lost ring returned after 39 years
–– The grateful recipient hissed, “My precious!”
World’s oldest man dies at 112
–– Son inherits oxygen tank.
Prince William, Kate Middleton Hire His Childhood Nanny Jessie Webb to Care for Prince George
–– She and baby will share walker.
64-Year-Old Man Has Eaten 12,000 Big Macs in 30 Years
–– Urinates special sauce.
Personal Branding Begins in the Waiting Room
–– As you prepare the logo you will tattoo on your baby’s forehead.
Dog Alerts Parents to Abusive Babysitter
–– While barking out Hit Me With Your Best Shot on a viral YouTube video.
If Kidnappers Chop Off One Of Your Fingers, Here’s Which Finger You Should Sacrifice
–– The one I’m flashing at this headline writer.
5 Things You Need to Need to Know About the “Circovirus Outbreak”
–– 2. It only strikes clowns.
Lego-like meth lab toy is a hit
–– Snaps together in seconds!
John McCain To Attack Vladimir Putin With Column in Pravda
–– Doric.
Where is self-control in the brain?
–– Buried deep beneath sex drive.
Darius Rucker: I’m not Hootie
–– But I blow fish.
Nicole Kidman knocked down by photog
–– Pap smear.
POISON GAS BAG
Week of 09/13/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Bashar al-Assad: Syria will give up control of chemical weapons
–– But he'll hang onto medieval torture devices, including rack, for sentimental reasons.
Ben Affleck’s Batman Will Be ‘Tired and Weary’
–– Like the franchise.
Biden: House GOPers ‘Neanderthals’
–– Neanderthals sue for defamation.
Armstrong returns Olympic medal
–– Exchanges it for Biogenesis gift card.
Must-See: Amazonian Butterflies Drink Turtle Tears
–– From a fairy’s thimble.
The Right (and the Dangerous) Way to Use a Retractable Dog Leash
–– The Dangerous: Attach it to Champ’s scrotum.
See the world’s first “invisible” skyscraper
–– Through imaginary binoculars.
Top Democrat ‘Almost Wanted to Vomit’ Over Putin Op-Ed
–– Into his hyperbole-sickness bag.
Chaz Bono Reveals Weight Loss Success on The Doctors: “Everything Is Easier”
–– Except child-bearing.
Bobby Valentine not backing down from his “the Yankees weren’t around following 9/11” comments
–– Nor his explanation of how the Mets actually won the 2000 World Series.
Top 10 Pro Wrestlers’ Quotes in History
–– 6. 'Yow!'
Meet the blobfish: The newly crowned ‘ugliest animal in the world’
–– Mama June vows to regain title.
Hunter: I killed a chupacabra
–– With a photon ray gun.
Man plotted to eat kids, feds say
–– With fava beans and a nice Kool-aid.
Shocking results from Krispy Kreme diet
–– Custard-filled arteries!
Molasses fish kill in Hawaii a ‘biggie’
–– Makes for a tasty luau.
Men with smaller testicles may be more nurturing dads
–– And a little nuts.
Gun-control Dems ousted in recall
–– James Holmes top write-in as replacement.
Blast hits Benghazi 1 year later
–– Republicans threaten preemptive impeachment for President Hillary Clinton.
Sexting partner crashes Weiner party
–– Abducts two dachshunds.
741-pound gator breaks record
–– By swallowing LP collector and his turntable.
Diana Nyad fires back against critics
–– Lunges at them with her poison spines exposed.
Marriages that ended in mayhem
–– After starting in Reno.
Husband hits on own wife after surgery
–– Groggily mistakes her for nurse he’s been shtupping.
Mountain rescue ends with a twist
–– A-va-lanche!
U.S. should ‘expect everything’ in response to any Syria strikes: Assad
–– Including sarin-laced felafel.
LeBron James, Hulk Hogan, Jerry Jones: yes, this happened last night
–– And the sex tape will prove it.
Meteorite Brought Surprising Ingredient for Life to Earth in 2012
–– Cronuts.
10 things your personal trainer won’t tell you
–– 8. No amount of exercise will fix that cottage cheese ass.
Fla. Man Draws 60 Years in Conn. Cannibalism Case
–– Pleads for plump cellmate.
Dwarf Planet Ceres Could Harbor Ice Underground
–– And really methed-out life forms.
Muslim Fired by Abercrombie for Head Scarf Policy ‘Very Unfair’
–– ‘I mean, I did wear it topless.’
KISS offers Tebow deal in Arena League
–– Must wear Satan face makeup.
Another Dreamliner Hiccup Doesn’t Faze Boeing
–– It’s twin-engine fart does raise eyebrows.
Disney Moves Marvel’s ‘Ant-Man’ to Summer 2015
–– To take advantage of picnics.
James Franco doesn’t care if people think he’s gay: ‘I mean I wish I was’
–– Ditto if they think he’s a good actor.
Bride: I pushed my husband off cliff
–– ‘He shouldn’t have been on top of his best friend.’
Man loses 245 pounds with 3 ‘p’s’
–– He must have been standing at that urinal for quite awhile.
See where terrorists’ bombs end up
–– Cinemax.
Rand Paul: Obama has lost face.
–– Obama: Paul has lost mind.
Carnival ride slams kids to ground
–– They beg for another ride.
Rodman’s ‘very cool’ N. Korea
–– Except around the nuclear reactor.
Sharks attack 2 men on Fla. beach
–– Kick sand in their faces and take their wallets.
Brain-eating amoeba victim speaks
–– Repeats support for Rand Paul.
Gun permits for the blind
–– But only if they’re mentally unstable.
Moon probe bug fixed
–– On Buzz Aldrin’s cortex.
Prince Andrew mistaken for intruder
–– Instead of just ‘unwanted guest.’
Which NFL fans pay the most?
–– Jets'…in dignity.
Umpire grabs manager’s throat
–– In a slurve grip.
Cheetah cubs get a pet puppy
–– Instead of birthday cake.
Motrin recalls infants drops
–– Med: ‘I remember a liquid in a little bottle with a teeny-tiny dropper.’
PUTIN IT THERE
Week of 09/06/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Just How Awkward Was the Obama-Putin G20 Handshake?
–– The joy buzzer left burn marks on the Russian President's palm.
Taylor Swift, Betty White Enter 'Guinness World Records' Book
–– In 'youngest' and 'oldest' 'most forgettable' categories.
Do Americans love their dogs too much?
–– Without protection?
Dallas Teen Is Both Footbal Player and Cheerleader
–– Can blow himself doing sit-ups.
5 Things You Didn't Know About Body Fat
–– 2. It's delicious on crisp toast points.
No lesbian marriage for Batwoman
–– She bats from both sides.
Nine Years After Oprah’s Famous Car Giveaway, Where Are They Now?
–– Repo lots.
This sexy new Volvo concept car worries me, frankly
–– Because I can't stop pleasuring myself when I look at it.
Anne Hathaway is selling apartment that she reportedly uses as a closet
–– For her husband.
Snake found in Starbucks toilet
–– A mambachino latte.
Report: IPhone screens may grow
–– If you repeat the pinch & spread gesture slowly and sensuously.
Dog meat banned in SE Asia
–– Puppy Hut fast food chain to close.
Snooki: It’s Normal for Me to Weigh 96 Pounds
–– One pound per brain cell.
Death in Prison of Man Who Held Ohio Women Captive Prompts Investigations
–– Guards defend inaction, ‘It’s called suicide watch. We watched.’
NHLer ripped for beheading bear
–– Officials angered when they realized their was a face off in the corner.
13 Amazing Uses for WD-40
–– 9. Lubricating the elbow of that stingy bartender pouring you wine.
Haley locks herself out of governor’s mansion – in her robe
–– Left KKK hood in house!
Study: King Richard III had worms
–– In his hump.
Adam Levine debuts menswear line
–- Shirts not included.
Millipedes behind train wreck
–– Prosecutor: ‘They haven’t got a leg to stand on.’
Will the fall TV season be less gay?
–– Is Shepard Smith back at FOX?
Video captures cops Tase, beat man
–– Translated from the Tagalog.
Weiner fires back after remark
–– Squirts ‘im in the eye.
Stranger’s gesture brings mom to tears
–– Twists her brassiere with pliers.
Stubbs the cat, Alaska town mayor, mauled by dog
–– Sarah Palin weighs run to replace him.
Man reaches for beer, finds snake
–– After drinking two six packs.
Sex ‘drive-ins’ open for business
–– Use the Ho-V lanes.
LeBron to produce TV sitcom
–– Entitled Not in Cleveland.
Getting horizontal can make you healthy
–– Or mean you’re dead.
Gator season off to strong start
–– They snap up 3 small dogs, 2 goats and a Seminole.
Dennis Rodman makes 2nd N. Korea trip
–– He left his NBA championship ring on Kim Jun-un’s night table.
Microsoft buys Nokia mobile for $7.2B
–– Misery loves company.
See this painful beauty pageant oops
–– Brazilian wax with Super Glue.
Georgia player tears ACL celebrating
–– His grade school diploma.
Pantsless burglar found in kitchen
–– Stealing pots and pants.
Clint Eastwood Seen With Mystery Woman In Wake of Separation
–– She was dressed in white and wheeled an oxygen tank.
Parents’ ADHD goals tied to treatment choices; study
–– You lost me after ‘Parents’.’
Australia says ‘broken the back’ of people-smugglers
–– Rival slavers say, ‘We’ll sell them at half off.’
India swamped by wave of growth downgrades
–– PM: ‘Sure beats typhoons.’
Chinese Billionaire Wang Jianlin’s Latest Overseas Move is Listing For U.S. Theatre Chain
–– Loew’s Mein Cinemas.
Abandoned casts of Angkor Wat treasures come out of hiding
–– Including sex star Khmer Kardashian and stoner comic Paul Pot.
Khloe Kardashian Tweets She Isn’t “Made of Steel” After Lamar Odom DUi Arrest
–– Many had suspected baggy latex.
Bill O’Reilly apologizes for mistake
–– Starting with the doctor that delivered him.
Cheneys feud over same-sex marriage
–– Daughter can’t swing Dick, but would like to.
Alleged cartel chief ‘Ugly Betty’ arrested
–- Charged with running drugs and witless sitcom.
Kate Middleton shows off slim figure
–– Her IQ.
We could all be from Mars
–– Screeches Richard Simmons.
Why Texas could become a blue state
–– The release of Rick Perry’s sad farewell ballad, Dip in the Heart of Texas.
Pitcher rescued from dugout bathroom
–– Stranded in stall after too many sliders.
Weightlifter busted for steroids … at 80
–– Couldn’t find his testicles, but forgot he was looking for them.
Man donates kidney, nurse throws it out
–– Maintenance man recovers it, makes stew.