SALES BITCH
Week of 11/29/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Man Arrested for Attacking Cop at Black Friday Sale
–– Mistook him for Talking Sheriff Woody Action Figure.
Mexico’s booming car industry selling unsafe cars
–– The boom is from exploding engines.
Why Mario Batali Bought 200 Pairs of Crocs
–– Making amphibian stew for himself and a small circle of friends.
Tesla’s ‘unrealistic expectations’
–– That you won’t burn to death on a Sunday drive.
Jon Bon Jovi’s Daughter Shines at Prince William Event One Year After OD
–– She was really lit.
Crustacean Invasion! Millions of Red Crabs Move Onto Christmas Island
–– Santa has crabs!
Kanye West Calls Out Nike Head During Nashville Concert
–– Airs complaint.
Jason Kidd fined $50K for dropping cup
–– NBA: Even coaches need athletic supporters.
‘Forget holidays’, Putin tells Sochi Olympic organizers
–– Especially Gay Pride Day.
Pumpkin Soup with an Unexpected Twist
–– Jack O’Lantern croutons.
Q&A: ‘I’d rather _______ than shop on Thanksgiving
–– Get stuffed.
Beyoncé Reportedly Booted From Egyptian Pyramids For Being ‘Rude’
–– Archaeologist: ‘Tut,Tut!’
Arpaio Sticks It To Inmates On Thanksgiving
–– With his ‘turkey baster.’
Pregnant Chinese flock to U.S.
–– Along with storks.
Barenaked Ladies’ SeaWorld gig is off
–– Shamu objects to aging, twee Canadian rockers.
Prince William sang with THEM?
–– On Baby, Please Don’t Go.
UK TV chef Nigella ‘had drug habit’, court told
–– Addicted to cocoacaine.
5 Sides to Bring to Thanksgiving Dinner
–– 3. Left.
Khloe Kardasian Could Be O.J. Simpson’s Daughter, Claims His Manager
–– ‘Because the glove didn’t fit when he had sex with Kris.’
Gay waitress tip story questioned
–– She never took any man’s tip.
Confessions of mall Santas
–– ‘My family name is Clausewitz.’
Can food affect your mood?
–– Yeah, asshole –– duh. Now, where’s my lunch?
Where was Buddha really born?
–– Kenya.
Spotting human trafficking on flights
–– Check the overhead bin.
Will this end checking in the NHL?
–– Interest-free VISA cards.
The 15 most influential animals
–– 13. Top dog.
Katie Couric to be ‘face’ of Yahoo
–– And its ‘yahoo-hah.’
Turkey Stuffed With Dressing Is Also Dressed With Stuffing
–– Say Charlie Chan.
Bill Cosby: Comedy Central Broke the Rules to Air My New Standup Special
–– ‘Not one effin’ bleep!’
Vatican unveils St. Peter’s bone fragments
–– Critics: ‘Simply fibulas!’
Letterman Admits to Friendship With Leno
–– And anal warts.
10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone Who Uses a Wheelchair
–– 7. Don’t get up.
61-Year-Old Raiders Fan Tried To Catch A Woman Who Jumped From The Upper Deck, ‘100% Saved Her Life’
–– Even though he fumbled her on the food line.
What 11 Billion People Mean for Earth’s Animals
–– A smorgasbord!
Blind Dog and His Brother Find New Home
–– With seeing-eye human.
How ‘Great Satan’ and ‘Axis of Evil’ made a deal
–– Hand sheikhs.
Wal-Mart names new CEO
–– ‘Evil Bastard of the Year.’
‘Duck Dynasty’ star’s dark past
–– In blind.
Presidential liars in chief
–– Millard Fibmore, Harry S. Untruman, Gerald R. Fraud, George W. Bushwa.
Police: Winner cheated out of $999,000
–– We call that a loser.
Is ‘knockout game’ a cheap thrill
–– If you get a pro bono lawyer.
Bear crashes birthday party
–– A honey boo-boo.
Feds: Cons got sex, drugs from guards
–– Relatives smuggled in rock ‘n’ roll.
IRANIAN NUKEGOTIATIONS
Week of 11/22/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Rouhani and his shy, sweet smile
–– Only imam could love.
Two men rescue moose-eating beached shark
–– In an attempt to save Bullwinkle.
10 Drunkest States in the U.S.
–– 10. Arizoneda, 9. Pissedsylvania, 8. Oregone, 7. Loopedsiana, 6. Mississlippi, 5. Dullerware, 4. Missedagain, 3. I da ho, 2. Missery, 1. Texas.
Top 10 ‘Pint-Sized’ Dog Breeds
–– 10. Beergle, 9. Bitters Griffon, 8. Rottskeller, 7. Aired ale, 6. Lager Apso, 5. Bass Hound, 4. Black and Tan Goonhound, 3. Bodlington Terrier, 2. Porter Collie, 1. Saint Brewnard.
Sheriff: Krokodil in Athens County Possibly Came From Columbus
–– Didn’t know Christopher kept reptiles on board.
Johnny Weir’s Husband Victor Weir-Voronov Was In The Closet Until One Month Before His Wedding
–– Hiding from Johnny.
Kenya snubs envoys of ICC backers in tit-for-tat diplomacy
–– And you’ve seen their tits!
Scott Thorson Says Ex-Lover Liberace Discarded Him ‘Like A Piece of Trash’
–– In a mink-lined bin.
Sarah Silverman: ‘I’m Older and Stranger and I’m Different’
–– Did you hear ‘funnier?’
Charles Manson Getting Married To 25-Year-Old Named ‘Star,’ According To Her
–– Not your typical ‘Star’ fucker.
How Christie got the best of Jindal
–– Sat on him until he cried Uncle.
Cop charged in cold case he worked
–– The corpse sued.
NFL player: I peed myself every game
–– On a forward piss.
Goats found in Jose Canseco’s car
–– Absolutely ripped goats.
Pastor defies faith to marry son
–– Not to mention laws against incest.
Gold bars found in airplane lavatory
–– After King Midas used the facilities.
Fan who fell from top deck at Jets-Bills game loses his job
–– As cherry picker.
When JFK met future tea party Rep.
–– In H.G. Wells’ time machine.
Harry Reid likely to ‘go nuclear’ today
–– Expected to blow his top (he prefers the bottom.)
Former President Bush displays painting prowess on Leno
–– Changes name to George W. Brush.
Abercrombie & Fitch to offer plus-sizes
–– 0+ and 1+.
Victoria’s Secret petitioned to hire transgender model
–– For Victor/Victoria’s Secret.
Mike Tyson returns Holyfield’s ear
–– Holyfield won’t hear of it.
Crack-Smoking Mayor’s TV Show Premieres
–– 30 Rocks.
GOP Congressman Busted for Cocaine in D.C.
–– Rob Ford sues for copyright infringement.
Mayor Ford charges like ‘crazy train’
–– Ozzie sues for copyright infringement.
Education Sec. Duncan under fire for comment about ‘white suburban moms’
–– Fails to strike a common core.
WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? Mom and son charged with animal cruelty after posting pic of 8-week-old pup ‘Baby’ stuffed in Ziploc bag to Facebook
–– They wanted to keep him fresh?
Girls basketball coach in Mississippi resigns after accusation of BITING PLAYER’S FACE during high school game
–– Player didn’t lose face.
‘Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark’ ending Broadway run
–– ‘Stagehand: Turn Off the Light.’
MSNBC host Martin Bashir apologizes for saying Sarah Palin should eat feces because of her slavery comment
–– Afraid she might think he meant babies.
Blind Dog Hugs Brother, Melts Our Hearts
–– Humps a stool.
Internet can give ‘brain orgasms’
–– In the medulla oblongat-aah-ooh-aah.
Don’t freak out over Butterball shortage
–– You won’t have to go cold turkey.
Robot Handjobs Are The Future, And The Future Is Coming
–– In a metal glove.
5 Things You Don’t Know About Chiwetel Ejiofor
–– 5. Real name: Chiwitel Ejiofor.
Ireland Baldwin Defends Alec Baldwin: “My Dad Is Far From a Homophobe or a Racist”
–– About two feet.
1 Shocking Picture of America’s Drilling Boom
–– A dentist with a jackhammer.
Think You Know What a Hungry Dog Looks Like? Think Again
–– And look down at the pit bull gnawing at your leg.
Deformed, Pointy Skull from Dark Ages Unearthed in France
–– First LePen supporter.
White mayor, black wife: NYC shatters an image
–– From 1965.
Ben Affleck on Batkid: He Is the ‘Best Batman Ever’
–– ‘Especially compared to me.’
Kanye West Speaks at Harvard, Kim Kardashian Comes Along: All the Details
–– Lecture’s title: ‘Greatest Effin' Masterpieces of the West.’
Cornelius Gurlitt wants to keep Nazi art: ‘I haven’t loved anything more’
–– ‘Except der Führer!’
Iran unveils what it says is its biggest drone
–– And you thought Achmadinejad could go on and on.
Armstrong: Doping cover-up went to top
–– ‘There were bigger shots than me.’
QB attacked in bathroom
–– By case of ‘Montana’s Revenge’.
‘Duck Dynasty’ gets boy in trouble
–– He’s pregnant with a mallard.
Cheney sisters on same-sex marriage
–– They nearly chew each other out.
NFLer rips out opponent’s hair
–– Called for clipping.
Prehistoric bones found in cave
–– Buried by Dino.
Joan Jett removed from parade float
–– Jettisoned.
Larry King Can’t Believe He’s 80
–– Only 80.
TORONTO RAP STAR
Week of 11/15/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Rob Ford claims he has 'more than enough to eat at home'
–– His wife's soft and cuddly feline and crow.
Blind man & dog kicked off plane
–– Didn't see eye-to-eye.
Bishop plans gay-marriage exorcism
–– In new episode of Beyond Scared Straight.
Justice Bieber Apologizes for Flag Scandal: I Thought it Was a Bra!
–– 'Wanna see my Stars and Bars panties?'
Happy 65th birthday, Prince Charles!
–– Long live the…um, uh, never mind.
Eddie Cibrian Says LeAnn Rimes Wants to Have a Baby “Badly”
–– Like in a cab buried in a snow drift during wartime.
Miley Cyrus: ‘I Feel Like I’m One of the Biggest Feminists in the World”
–– ‘That’s Spanish for ho, right?’
McDonald’s Frozen McRib Photo Stirs Web, Not Appetites
–– It's in a shot of prehistoric McCro-Magnon.
Woods Makes Caddie’s Beef Jerky Golf-Bag Accessory at $54-Pound
–– He keeps his balls in it.
Mariah Carey “Hated” American Idol: “It Was Like Going to Work Every Day in Hell With Satan”
–– "Or some weird-ass Minaj à trois.”
Five Things We Can’t Stop Thinking About from the Victoria’s Secret Show
–– 4. Are any of those real?
New Bartlett’s compiles black quotations
–– Half of audio version bleeped out.
R2-D2 Coming Back for J.J. Abrams’ ‘Star Wars: Episode VII’
–– Fresh from rehab.
Shirtless on ‘Criminal Minds’?
–– Or mindless on ‘Criminal Shirts’?
City-size iceberg may threaten ships
–– ‘I’ll go all Titanic on you, motherf**ker.’
What I Learned as a Porn Tagger
–– Always tag above the belt.
Al-Qaeda-linked rebels mistakenly behead fellow fighter, rebel group says
–– Blame Imam: ‘It was a clerical error.’
Bachmann: I lost health insurance
–– Due to a pre-existing condition. Psychosis.
Rare ‘Asian unicorn’ caught on camera
–– Minus horn which was ground into Ha Don Virility Powder.
Cruise ship passenger overboard
–– Totally over-the-top.
Rupert Sanders Set to Direct ‘Napoleon’ for Warner Bros.
–– The pastry will star as itself.
Francis Bacon painting sells for record $142.4M at auction
–– Buyer brings home the Bacon.
Jeff Koons’ Balloon Dog Sculpture Sells for Record-Breaking $58.4 Million
–– Talk about inflation!
Did Kimmel skit endorse genocide?
–– Just youth in Asia.
Neo-Nazi learns he’s part African
–– Unfortunately for him, not that part.
1 WTC to be tallest U.S. skyscraper
–– Once they rent out space on the antenna.
Man finds $98k in Craigslist desk
–– That cost him $100k.
Big airline merger back on track
–– In case they want to merge with a train, too.
Crack-smoking mayor won’t quit
–– Speedballs next!
Lady Gaga; I Want ‘Tons of Kids’
–– Baked in a pie.
The One Thing Bethenny Frankel Won’t Say Around Daughter Bryn
–– ‘Are you going to finish that?’
Marital Infidelity Is Unfit Topic For Holiday Banter
–– You did not see Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
President Obama Clearly Never Worked For Goldman Sachs
–– But they’ve had him on retainer for five years.
10 things e-cigarettes won’t tell you
–– 7. You look like an asshole smoking me.
Lincoln: ‘Walking Dead’ battle scenes were ‘epic’
–– Like Gettysburg or Antietam.
Dad Allegedly Characterized as ‘Unfit’ for Refusing to Feed His Son McDonald’s
–– By Mayor McCheese.
3 Reasons Why America Is Using Less Oil
–– 2. It’s tan is already perfect.
Dogs Running Loose Are Not The Only Ones At Risk
–– Ones tied up outside of Vietnamese restaurants better watch out, too.
ASPCA Reveals the Dog, Cat and Kid of the Year
–– Kid baas and eats award.
Jennifer Aniston Loves New Bob Haircut And Color, Says Colorist “Outdid” Himself
–– Nobel committee takes note.
Recycling shower cuts bills by $1,300
–– Cuts personal hygiene by 50%.
Incognito: I’m not a racist pig
–– Pigs can’t text.
Dog brings home human leg
–– Had buried human arm.
No identity: Being second child in China
–– Sort of like being Vice President in America.
Guy wins football bet, stun-guns wife
–– Would’ve done it for free.
Trebek shocks in his underwear
–– What is it to Roker, Alex?
Where on Earth will satellite crash?
–– On Carmen Sandiego?
Tom Cruise did not make widely reported claim that acting is as tough as combat
–– He said watching his acting was.
Inside a ‘sophisticated’ drug tunnel
–– Where they mix exotic drug cocktails.
Porn-viewing bosses infect corporate networks
–– With STDs.
NURSE WRETCHED
Week of 11/08/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Obama sticking by HHS Secretary Sebelius for now
–– He can’t afford to switch plans.
Best viral relationship advice
–– Penicillin.
Mystery Meat: 7 of the Scariest Ingredients in Processed Food
–– 4. Vito.
Nine Inch Nails Unleash ‘All Time Low’ on ‘Kimmel’
–– Remove the first set of quote marks.
The Simple Thing Pope Francis Did to a Severely Disfigured Man That Has Captivated the World
–– Offered him a monk’s robe…with hood.
Hunky Men + Kittens = 2014 Kittendales Calendar
–– + striped rodents = 2014 Chip ’n’ Dales Calendar.
Pig-Like Beast Leads the Way to Ancient Cave Drawings
–– Archaeologists just hold on to its corkscrew tail.
First-Time Grandma Is Crushed When She’s Told To Stay Home
–– During tornado.
The Coach Who Exploded
–– Puffed Rice.
500-pound man too big for plane?
–– Even a jumbo jet?
Guns & Ammo editor resigns
–– Not fired?
Clifford Nass, Researcher on Multitasking, Dies at 55
–– Wake, funeral and burial will be held at same time.
Couple’s odd baby announcement
–– ‘We are proud to welcome a bouncing, bizarre baby boy.’
This May Make You Never Want To Eat A Banana Again
–– A James Deen film festival.
Matt Lauer, Al Roker to Get Prostate Exams on ‘Today’
–– Carson Daly might sit in.
Where does Chris Christie go next?
–– Disneyworld. Mickey’s Backyard BBQ, to be exact.
Miami QB: Incognito, Martin like brothers
–– Cain & Abel, say.
Guy with jet pack circles Mount Fuji
–– Long-lost stunt man from You Only Live Twice.
ABC News anchor enters rehab
–– Hooked on hype.
GOP civil Lawsuit: 6 cavity searches, no arrest.
–– Let’s see: mouth, two ears, navel, rectum, and, hmm, a nostril?
Atheist gets her day at Supreme Court
–– Takes oath with left hand on The God Delusion.
Obamacare launch worse than thought
–– You mean the severed head had eczema, too?
Marvel introduces Muslim superhero
–– Iran Man.
Toronto Mayor Ford admits crack cocaine use
–– Part of Rock the Vote campaign.
Voters to decide pot tax, secession
–– Spliffs, splits.
India’s Mars mission fuels space race
–– To Saffron Planet.
10 more secrets from campaign 2012
–– 5. 47% was a conservative estimate.
Olympic champ’s McNugget diet
–– A Gold medalist in hurling.
BlackBerry abandons search for buyer
–– Will just give the damn things away.
Lawsuit: Woman Spent 5 Days In Jail For Soda Possession
–– A standard sentence for Coke.
Jesus spotted at the New York City Marathon
–– Face seen in sweat stain on runner’s back.
Hamas Writes Its Own Textbooks to Shape Young Minds
–– Following example of Texas School Board.
Air Force’s next target: Birds
–– In chodors.
Belafonte: Koch bros. are like KKK
–– As in KKKoch Industries, Inc.
Does Cher think Sonny burns in hell?
–– In the lounge, maybe.
20 Pics That Prove Animals Do NOT Belong On The Red Carpet
–– They should go on the stage.
Skygazers see rare eclipse
–– As Mitsubishi launches last one off the assembly line.
Alligator captured in Chicago airport
–– At Cayman Airways gate.
Did you change your clocks?
–– Yes, they’re now ashtrays.
Fan injured by hot dog sues
–– Angry Rottweiler hires defense attorney.
Troubled orca’s early history
–– Got too big for his breaches.
Tina Fey: ‘My Daughter Might Be A Sociopath'
–– ‘But I have experience after seven years of Tracy Morgan.’
Parents Sue City Over Broken Legs at Park Slope Playground
–– Kid mobsters to be charged.
Cirque du Soleil ‘Wheel of Death’ performer injured in Vegas show
–– In accordance with truth in advertising laws.
Bernhard Goetz arrested on drug charge
–– Dealer: ‘You don’t look so bad, have another.’
6 things presidents wish they never said
–– 4. G.W. Bush.: Read my lisp.
‘Cannonball Run’ record shattered
–– As is Burt Reynolds.
Mom’s song makes makes baby do WHAT?
–– Burp Yankee Doodle Dandy.
Beers, bulls and…beef jerky?
–– Steer Night special at the Mustang Ranch.
ED TRAUMA
Week of 11/01/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Snowden gets website job in Russia
–– At eTraitor.com.
Coulter: ‘The birther thing is crazy’
–– She said to the mirror.
Mac and cheese to be less yellow
–– More vomit-green.
Pumpkins found filled with cocaine
–– It’s the G-rock pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
Sex workers embrace Obamacare
–– Refer to is as the Big O.
Judge denies California town’s request to halt sauce production
–– In chili response.
A-Rod accuses MLB of ‘gross, ongoing misconduct’
–– ‘They’re like a massive, sore lump on my left buttock.’
The Adorable Way Jennifer Garner Greets Ben Affleck
–– In a Batman Snuggie with ‘You Won’t Suck’ embroidered across the chest.
Cops: They put shock collar on kid
–– ‘And Honey Boo-Boo kinda liked it.’
Cruz’s dad: Send Obama back to Kenya
–– ‘And Teddy back to bughouse.’
Marvin Gaye heirs sue Robin Thicke
–– On thinne evidence.
TV reboots: Is Hollywood just out of ideas?
–– Not shitty ones.
Finally, Capt. Kirk has a cloaking device
–– Sort of a high-tech beard.
Mirror Earth: Science Closes in On Our Planetary Twin
–– In next issue of Superman.
Dreamworks Books Teddy Roosevelt–Howard Taft Story
–– John Goodman goes off diet.
Drive in Google Glass, get a ticket
–– From geek police.
Why do allies spy on allies?
–– They’re all lies.
Tough Day 1 for intercontinental tunnel
–– When riders realize it connects Istanbul with Istanbul.
See bus driver grab woman off ledge
–– How he got the bus up there is the real story.
The hottest job skill is…
–– Arson.
Mets take part in Hurricane Sandy
–– Because they really blow.
Cornell University Student Mascot Reportedly Told To Act Like A ‘Heterosexual Man’ and ‘Approach Only Women’
–– And ‘straight female bears.’
Barnes & Noble releases new Nook e-reader for $119
–– Nicknamed the Schnook.
Get Rid of Student Loan Without Paying for It
–– Go to prison without visiting it.
What Is Unique About Apple’s Rumored Phablet?
–– The nonexistent device's phantom apps.
Did she distract Concordia captain?
–– By swabbing his dick?
Mistress sexted doctor after funeral
–– With message, ‘You feeling a little stiff?’
Bob Barker to mark his 90th birthday on ‘Price Is Right’
–– Will try to guess price of new hip.
Notre Dame QB admits cheating on test
–– Or ‘cheetin n tesst.’
There’s a global wine shortage
–– Except in the House Speaker’s chambers.
Why Facebook is full of giraffes
–– Because they’re even cuter than kittens.
Graham: I’ll block all appointments
–– “I need some me time.’
Charge against Chris Brown reduced
–– To fit the smallness of the individual.
How to help ‘defective girls’
–– Have them fixed.
Tennessee cop fired after shooting, pepper spraying squirrel
–– For playing with his nuts in public.
Cop fired in mentally ill man’s shooting
–– Of course he did.
Kim Kardashian Says She Was “Shaking the Entire Time” During Kanye West’s Proposal
–– She finds him funny, too.
This is What Happens when You Cook Everything Delicious Inside a Pumpkin
–– Jack-o-gaggin’.
Traveler tried to check loaded rifle
–– And place in overhead gun rack.
Ketchup switch-up at McDonald’s
–– Now squirting burgers with Ronald’s ‘special sauce.’
Cowboys Bryant throws tantrum
–– To ineligible receiver downfield.
Ke$ha: I was threatened with jail.
–– ‘And that was just for my EP.’
Hooters waitress: Hair got me fired
–– ‘Guess I should’ve left the shorty shorts on.’
Iowa TA who sent students nude photos is reassigned
–– As T&A.
Soccer team sorry for Nazi-like logo
–– And Sieg Heiling when they score.