CINEMA

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Martin Scorsese looking in a mirror saying "You talkin' to me?" No new releases means classic poison capsule reviews of Scorsese films

Who’s That Knocking at My Door (1967) –– Knock-knock joke.
Boxcar Bertha (1972) –– Depression error.
Mean Streets (1973) –– Mook synthesizer.
Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore (1974) –– Burstyn at the seams.
Taxi Driver (1976)–– Hack work.
New York, New York (1977) –– It’s a helluva down.
The Last Waltz (1978) –– Beats The Band.
Raging Bull (1980) –– Jake tapper.
The King of Comedy (1982) –– Pupkin patch.
After Hours (1985) –– So-Soho.
The Color of Money (1986) –– Sharks tank.
The Last Temptation of the Christ (1988) –– Cross examination.
Goodfellas (1990) –– Flashy mob.
Cape Fear (1991) –– Sicko feints.
The Age of Innocence (1993) –– Wharton hears a hoot.
Casino (1995) –– Hole slot bettor.
Kundun (1997) –– Buddha pest.
Bringing Out the Dead (1999) –– Losing patients.
Gangs of New York (2002) –– City scrapes.
The Aviator (2004) –– Hughesless.

Hooking Up –– Shave the date.
The Climb –– Cycle jerks.
Human Capital –– Figures of fund.
The Infiltrators –– Get out while the get in is good.
Blue Story –– Blown story.
Deerskin –– Hide away.
The Truth –– Honest mistake.
A Dog Called Money –– Currency.

Bloodshot –– Like a poke in the eye.
The Hunt –– Preys be.
Never Rarely Sometimes Always –– Stop child.
Big Time Adolescence –– First, flush of youth.
I Still Believe –– Not I.
Lost Transmissions –– Transmissions fluid.
My Senior Year –– Grad pits.
Tuscaloosa –– Alabama shucks.
Inside the Rain –– Wet wack.
The Postcard Killings –– Dumb as a post.
Lost Girls –– Cheese strays.
M.O.M. (Mothers of Monsters) –– Brood force.
The Roads Not Taken –– Route cellar.
Miss Fisher and the Crypt of Tears –– Fisher price.
Heart of Africa –– Congo least.
Tokyo Godfathers –– Nippon tuck.
Human Nature –– CRISPR critters.
Fat Fiction –– Ipso fatso.
The Dog Doc –– Paw relations.
Heimat Is a Space in Time –– Vatta land!

Onward –– And ugghward.
The Way Back –– Slam drunk.
The Banker –– Overdrawn.
Extra Ordinary –– Loner cars.
Only –– Eff Only.
Run This Town –– Ford fair lame.
Beneath Us –– Beneath me.
Sorry We Missed You –– We’re not.
Hope Gap –– Toodle eww.
The Burnt Orange Heresy –– Muddy ochre.
Sometimes Always Never –– The latter.
First Cow –– Bovine intervention.
Bacarau –– Back ‘er off.
The Wild Goose Lake –– Lam to slaughter.
Foxtrot Six –– Squad thrusts.
The Booksellers –– Bums and noble.

The Invisible Man –– Unseen gestures.
Burden –– Heavy lifting.
The Jesus Rolls –– Gutter ball.
Saint Frances –– Nanny petty.
Greed –– Is bad.
Straight Up –– No erection home.
Wendy –– Windy.
Guns Akimbo –– Popping fresh D’oh! boy.
Blood on Her Name –– Pap smear.
Disappearance at Clifton Hill ––Fade shot.
The Whistlers –– Blown opportunity.
My Hero Academia: Heroes Rising –– Dilated pupils.
Lost in America –– Finders’ fie!
Art Paul of Playboy: The Man Behind the Bunny –– Start spreading the nudes.
Tread –– Plough through it.

Emma –– Match notes.
The Call of the Wild –– London has fallen.
The Last Thing He Wanted –– Who, Affleck?
Standing Up, Falling Down –– Splat on its back.
Seberg –– Jean mutation.
Balloon –– Doesn’t pop.
Premature –– Under rage dating.
Goldie –– Whorin’.
Impractical Jokers: The Movie –– Gag reel.
10 Things We Should Do Before We Break Up –– See this not on list.
The Night Clerk –– Helpless desk.
Brahms: The Boy II –– Guise and dolls
Young Ahmed –– Dardenne variety.
Cabaret Maxime –– Maxime…um…capacity.
Vitalina Varela –– Gape verde.
Manou the Swift –– Manou…er.
Once Were Brothers: Robbie Robertson and The Band –– Bored Band.
Viral: Antisemitism in Four Mutations –– Hits the hate.

TOP

Oscar Dü 2020

Best Picture Nominees:

Ford v Ferrari –– Total drag race.
The Irishman –– Hoffa in the bag.
Jojo Rabbit –– Hitler youth.
Joker –– From the bottom of the dreck.
Little Women –– Average Jo.
Marriage Story –– Split faced.
1917 –– Combat boost.
Once Upon a Time in … Hollywood –– Manson with the stars.
Parasite –– Corporal clinger.

Sonic the Hedgehog –– Sonic bomb.
Downhill –– All the way.
Fantasy Island –– Roarke sewage.
The Misogynists –– Hate like a pig.
Buffaloed ––Buffalo chip.
VFW –– Vet rags.
After Midnight –– Midnight slack.
Impossible Monsters –– Beast of no notion.
Ordinary Love –– Common low wife.
The Photograph –– Snap out of it.
Olympic Dreams –– Uses skier tactics.
The Kindness of Strangers –– Amour’s the pity.
Underneath the Same Moon –– Coma pile.
What About Love –– Canoodle soup.
A Simple Wedding –– Joining farces.
Come As You Are –– We like idiots.
The Rest of Us –– The dull ones.
First Lady –– Political male storm.
Portrait of a Lady on Fire –– Flame fatale.
I Was at Home, But –– Nothing But.
Those Who Remained –– Stragglepuss.
You Go to My Head –– Plenty of space up there.
The Cordillera of Dreams –– Chile con.
The Times of Bill Cunningham –– Itchy Cunningham.

Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn ) –– No Quinn sitution.
The Lodge –– Snored under.
Come to Daddy –– Pounding father.
Horse Girl –– Nagging doubts.
2/1 –– 1/2 baked.
Dream Round –– Putterfingers.
Cane River –– Cane ain’t able.
Waiting For Anya –– Anya gonna keep waiting.
And Then We Danced –– Hey there, Georgia boy.

The Rhythm Section –– Beat down.
Gretel & Hansel –– Flesh from the oven.
The Assistant –– Bland aide.
Coda –– Leak to conclusion.
Beanpole –– Slim and numb.
José –– No way.
The Traitor –– Trust buster.
Incitement –– Not excitement.
The Wonderland –– Alas in Wonderland.
Taylor Swift: Miss Americana –– Swift kicks.
Created Equal: Clarence Thomas in His Own Words –– Gavel pit.

The Gentlemen –– Lads and least.
The Turning –– Of the stomach.
Color Out of Space –– Tints and ass.
The Last Full Measure –– Dogged soldiers.
Elsewhere –– Stain Elsewhere.
John Henry –– Sludge hammer.
Get Gone –– So long sucker.
Assassin 33 A.D. –– Christ! Killer.
Cats –– And jam 'er.
Zombi Child –– Dead baby joke.
The Rescue –– Dog Rescue.
Quezon’s Game –– Quezon's go rolling all wrong.
I Wish I Knew –– How boring this was.

Bad Boys for Life –– Worse than ever.
Dolittle –– Doo little.
Weathering With You –– Weathering or not.
The Host –– With the least.
The Wave –– Bye-bye.
Blood Widow –– Screen bloody murder.
Feedback –– Distorted.
Disturbing the Peace –– That's the ticket.
Intrigo: Death of an Author –– That's all he wrote.
My Hindu Friend –– Morte bored.

Like a Boss –– Ex-echh.
The Informer –– The inside dope.
Underwater –– Sub-merciful.
The Grudge –– Grudge dread.
Three Christs –– And a ‘Damn!’
Corrupted –– Just plain rotten.
Inherit the Viper –– A big asp.
The Dawn –– Scumrise.
The Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson –– Dead Bundy.
VHYes –– Betamucks.
Reality Queen! ––Parasite Hilton.
Les Misérables –– That would be the audience.
The Woman Who Loves Giraffes –– Pain in the neck.
Diving Deep: The Life and Times of Mike Degruy –– Flounders.
At the Video Store –– Be kind, unwind.