CINEMA

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A Haunting in Venice –– Rude canal.
Dumb Money –– Invest wasteland.
Outlaw Johnny Black –– Gunk slinger.
Camp Hideout –– Camp wallower.
My Last Best Friend –– Bestie boys.
Satanic Hispanics –– Latin loathers.
The Inventor –– The da Vinci goad.
Cassandro –– Loucher libre.
Rebel –– Dead Syria’s.
Radical Wolfe –– Tom hardly.
Canary –– Glacial pace.
Invisible Beauty –– Bad seen.
Elis & Tom: It Had to Be You –– Bossa novocaine.
LIFT –– A letdown.

The Nun II –– Nun lethal.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 –– Dull and dolma.
Hello Dankness –– Thankless.
Good Boy –– Roll over.
Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe –– Greeked chorus.
Amerikatsi –– Armenial labor.
Rotting in the Sun –– Truth decay.
A Million Miles Away –– From the mark.
8 Found Dead –– Ocdead.
My Animal –– Dimmer wolf.
Megalomaniac –– Selfie shtick.
El Conde –– Conde nasty.
Joyce Carol Oates: A Body in the Service of Mind –– Hell and Oates.
American: An Odyssey to 1947 –– Welles intentioned.

The Equalizer 3 –– Washington depths.
The Good Mother –– Mom jeez.
Perpetrator –– Stuffed to the guilt.
Beaten to Death –– Pulpy love.
Don’t Look Away –– Avert your oys.
All Fun and Games –– Wreck room.
Zombie Town ––Deadsville.
Nandor Fodor and the Talking Mongoose –– Fodor’s cavil guide.
The Road Dog –– Comic stripped.
Marisol –– Cheater Rivera.
Never Give Up –– Quit it.
The Mountain –– Uppity.
Astrakan –– Fur naught.
Orca –– Dork ‘er.
Ernest & Celestine: A Trip to Gibberitia –– Gibberitsch.
Mr. Jimmy –– Page turner.
Mutiny in Heaven: The Birthday Party –– Cave dwelling.

You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah –– Shul be sorry.
Bottoms –– Out.
Golda –– Meir bagatelle.
The Hill –– Of beans.
Retribution –– Neeson jerk reaction.
Scrapper –– Scrap ‘er.
Megaladon: The Frenzy –– Of laughter.
Fremont –– Refugeez!
Piaffe –– Horse’s ass.
Before, Now & Then –– Never.
The Dive –– Bar.
The Elephant 6 Recording Co. –– Trunk hated.
Carpet Cowboys –– Rugged.

Blue Beetle –– The bug stops here.
Strays –– Yappy accident.
The Adults –– Underaged stinking.
birth/rebirth –– Still birth.
Landscape With Invisible Hand ––Slips through fingers.
Back on the Strip –– Vegas fly trap.
Dead Shot –– Plot shot.
Haunting of the Queen Mary –– That shit has sailed.
Aliens Abducted My Parents and Now I Feel Kinda Left Out –– Probe beau? No.
Dark Windows –– Don’t look in.
Mutt –– Mongrel hoard.
The Moon –– Maroonic.
Madeleine Collins –– Dom Collins.
Simone: Woman of the Century –– Weil away the time.
The Owners –– Buyable study.
Downwind –– Blasting crap.

Gran Turismo –– Lame Nissan.
The Last Voyage of the Demeter –– On board murder.
Heart of Stone –– Head to match.
Jules –– And chimp.
Aporia –– A bore-ee-yah.
The Pod Generation –– Baby bum.
Match Me If You Can –– Ass swipe.
Medusa Deluxe –– Tangled.
Operation Napoleon –– Napoleon so low.
Between Two Worlds –– Neither here nor there.
King on Screen –– Crapshow.
King Coal –– Mine over matter.
Aurora’s Sunrise –– Ottomant.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem –– Mock turtle stupe.
Meg 2: The Trench –– Out of its depth.
Shortcomings –– Foible abuse.
Dreamin’ Wild –– Blot on a record.
Passages –– Bi and bye.
Go West –– Bust Western.
LOLA –– Twee time.
Brother –– Oh, Brother!
Corner Office –– Botch job.
Til Death Do Us Part –– Knot for nothing.
Mob Land –– Gang plunk.
What Comes Around –– Revolving dork.
A Compassionate Spy –– Broke the mole.
Our Body –– Corpus crusty.
Klondike –– Bah.

Haunted Mansion –– Dead give a wave.
Sympathy for the Devil –– He edited it.
War Pony –– Gave me the trots.
The Baker –– Burnt offings.
The Mistress –– Sighed chick.
Susie Searches –– Unfounded humor.
The Unknown Country –– All over the map.
Talk to Me –– OK, mate, y'stink.
The Beasts –– Farm flesh.
Sons of Summer –– Muff the surf.
The First Slam Dunk –– Hair ball.
Kokomo City –– Cuckoo mo.
Bobi Wine: The People’s President –– Wine and dyin’.
North Circular –– Dublin over.

Barbie –– Pink aie!
Oppenheimer –– A-bombinable.
The Beanie Bubble –– Non-plushed.
Mother, May I –– Abodes ill.
Fear the Night –– Night swats.
Cobweb –– Sweep away.
The Island –– Coast clod.
Natty Knocks –– Natty dumpo.
See You on Venus –– Venus implant.
Miraculous: Ladybug & Cat Noir, the Movie –– Numb that toon.
Return to Dust –– And bite it.
Stephen Curry: Underrated –– Overexposed.

Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning, Part One –– Mission creep.
Theater Camp –– Skit scat.
The Miracle Club –– Lourdes help us!
They Cloned Tyrone –– Carpin' copy.
Fourth Grade –– Degrade escape.
The Flood –– Flush Flood watch.
Final Cut –– Edit in the wrong direction.
Afire –– Misfire.
Two Tickets to Greece –– Hellene wheels.
The YouTube Effect –– Clip to maniacs.
Black Ice –– Hockey sack.
20 Days in Mariupol –– False front.
Lakota Nation vs. United States –– Tribe: every trick in the book.
Have You Got It Yet? The Story of Syd Barrett and Pink Floyd –– Syd viscous.

Joy Ride –– Drive to despair.
Biosphere –– Dome and gloom.
Insidious: The Red Door –– Exit wounds.
Sound of Freedom –– Lets lose.
Earth Mama –– Birth-brain.
Dead Man’s Hand –– Not gripping.
Our Deadly Vows –– Sworn enemas.
The Lesson –– Writer's crap.
Amanda –– Petty petty Princess.
Bad Girl Boogey –– Boogey on downer.
The League –– Fill Negro.
Odd Hours, No Pay, Cool Hat –– Fire sign theatre.
Once Upon a Time in Uganda –– The gassed picture show.
Wham! –– And fuzzy.

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny –– Butt Dial.
Prisoner’s Daughter –– Under schlock and key.
The Unseen –– By me.
Warhorse One –– SEAL with a kiss.
Confidential Informant –– Rat busted.
The Childe –– Shorts subject.
Millie Lies Low –– Millie seconds.
The Passengers of the Night –– Paris mash.
Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken –– Kraken a joke.
Every Body –– Genital sorts.
Umberto Eco: A Library of the World –– Eco chamber.
In the Company of Rose –– Styron foam.
We Were Famous, You Don’t Remember: The Embarrassment –– Demean-spirited.

No Hard Feelings –– Limp deke.
God Is a Bullet –– Vapid-fire.
Maximum Truth –– Really?
Wonderwell –– Blunderhell.
Loren & Rose –– Sufferer Loren.
Nimona –– Numb boner.
Revoir Paris –– Bataclank.
Love Gets a Room –– And takes a nap.
Mad Heidi –– Heidi, Heidi, ho-hum.
Clean –– Scrub.
Desperate Souls, Dark City and the Legend of Midnight Cowboy –– Buck's tradition.
The Last Rider –– Lemond icing.
Here. Is. Better. –– No. It. Isn’t.
Make Me Famous –– Nobody fool.

The Flash –– Quick run-down.
Elemental –– Four worn.
Asteroid City –– Crater lack.
The Blackening –– Dapslash.
Maggie Moore(s) –– Maggie mayn’t.
Nobody’s Hero –– Everybody’s zero.
Happer’s Comet –– Noes to tail.
Pretty Red Dress –– The frock Prince.
Soul Doctor –– Ninny Simone.
Glow –– On the dull.

Transformers: Rise of the Beasts –– Notional Autobot society.
Extraction 2 –– Pull out.
Mending the Line –– Flighty fishing.
Dalíland –– Dilly Dalí.
The Angry Black Girl and Her Monster –– Afro beast.
97 Minutes –– Crash coarse.
The Secret Kingdom –– Pangolin retrievers.
Scarlet –– Red-faced.
Blue Jean –– Jean therapy.
Persian Lessons –– Farsical.
Time of Mounting –– Slough off.
Squaring the Circle (The Story of Hipgnosis) –– Hip not, ick.
Americonned –– Too left feat.
The Good Man –– JC puny.

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse –– Multi-taxing.
The Boogeyman –– Will forget you.
Past Lives –– Pass.
Padre Pio –– P U!
Unidentified Objects –– Doesn’t fly.
Follow Her –– I can’t.
Rise –– Jeté propulsion.
Concerned Citizen –– Show and Tel Aviv.
The Roundup: No Way Out –– For weeds?
Falcon Lake –– Falcon crust.
Horseplay –– Rough hosing.
Montréal Girls –– Filles simple.
Lynch/Oz –– Lynch mop.

The Little Mermaid –– Ariel bombardment.
You Hurt My Feelings –– Emotive con.
About My Father –– Assault and papa.
The Machine –– Kreischers’ management.
Kandahar –– Lemon extract.
Close to Vermeer –– The Rijks stuff.
The Wrath of Becky –– Beck off.
A Hole in the Fence –– Gory Hole.
Will-o’-the-Wisp –– Wispy quitters.
White Balls on Walls –– Nailed there.

Fast X –– Bland X.
Master Gardener –– Soil sport.
Sanctuary –– Dumb dom bullshit.
Come Out Fighting –– From bad to wars.
Robots –– Automatic dejection.
Moon Garden –– Cloy de lune.
Stay Awake –– I dare you.
Outpost –– Doesn’t look sharp.
Dark Nature –– Lighten up.
Buddy Games: Spring Awakening –– Spring’s a leak.
The Night of the 12th –– Slowest slain.
White Building –– Demolition dirty.
Eric Clapton: Across 24 Nights –– Strum und drag.

Knights of the Zodiac –– Horror scope.
Book Club: The Next Chapter –– Loo read.
Hypnotic –– Daze of the weak.
Mother –– Brooding.
BlackBerry –– Device cracks.
Fool’s Paradise –– Pyrite’s booty.
The Starling Girl –– Bird-brained ideal.
Monica –– Manic-er.
Rally Road Racers –– Rally craps.
L’immensità –– Lost in trans elation.
Still: A Michael J. Fox Movie –– Fox casher.
It Ain’t Over –– Yogi bearer.
Wild Beauty: Mustang Spirit of the West –– Bronc’s jeer.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 –– Rocket mawkish.
Love Again –– Offensive rebound.
What’s Love Got to Do with It? –– Crack Lahore.
Johnny & Clyde –– Johnny dumb lately.
One Ranger –– The lunk Ranger.
Queens of the Qing Dynasty –– Qing of pain.
Giving Birth to a Butterfly –– Pooper stage.
Land of Gold –– Karat patch.
Chile ’76 –– Problemo Chile.
Unrest –– Agitation cycle.
The Melt Goes on Forever: The Art & Times of David Hammons –– So does title.
Anxious Nation –– Nervous in the surface.
Unconditional –– Hate.

TOP

THE CALAMITY AWARDS 2022

Best Picture Nominees:

All Quiet on the Western Front –– UnRemarqueable.
Avatar: The Way of Water –– Soggy bottom.
The Banshees of Inisherin –– A scream.
Elvis –– Disgraceland.
Everything Everywhere All at Once –– Mess appeal.
The Fabelmans –– Spiel ‘burb.
Tár –– Pit.
Top Gun: Maverick –– Jet leak.
Triangle of Sadness –– I suss a least Triangle.
Women Talking –– Men in night.

Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. –– Margaret choke.
Big George Foreman –– Missed Grill.
The End of Sex –– Butt End.
The Black Demon –– Shark as attack.
Sid Is Dead –– Took movie with him.
R.M.N. –– Hot Hell Transylvania.
Freaks vs. the Reich –– Dead to Reich.
Sisu –– So-so.
The Eight Mountains –– Peaks early.
Broadway –– Malady.
Spirited Away: Live on Stage –– Ghibli gravy.
Little Richard: I Am Everything –– Duty fruity.
Nuclear Now –– Gone fission.
32 Sounds –– 30 are snores.
T.S. Eliot’s Four Quartets –– Eliot mess.

Chevalier –– Ardor in the court.
Guy Ritchie’s The Covenant –– Ritchie retch.
Somewhere in Queens –– Romano cheese.
Evil Dead Rise –– Half a wake.
To Catch a Killer –– Snare dumb.
Cherry –– Abort missin’.
The Tank –– No tanks.
Carmen –– Cigarette bust.
Plan 75 –– Youth in Asia.
Other People’s Children –– L’enfant gasser.
Trenque Lauren –– Train in vain.
Cadejo Blanco –– White whacker.
Judy Blume Forever –– Blume ma’am group.
River –– Hung out too dry.

Renfield –– Vein attempt.
Beau Is Afraid –– Little Beau peepee.
The Pope’s Exorcist –– Driving mess doozy.
Mafia Mamma –– Dry mob.
Nefarious –– Foul tips.
Rare Objects –– Inanimate Objects.
One of These Days –– Endure plumbing.
Human Flowers of Flesh –– Dislocated ship.
Sweetwater –– The trouble with dribbles.
Everything Went Fine –– Goes pere-shaped.
Sakra –– Iliac.
Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman –– In first row.
Hilma –– Klint blecch.
Suzume –– The worst.
Wild Life –– Conserve your energy.
De Humani Corpora’s Fabrica –– Way off corpse.
Dry Ground Burning –– Oily days.
Matter Out of Place –– Heap of trash.
The Lost Weekend: A Love Story –– Pang bang.

Air –– Kicks ass.
The Super Mario Bros. Movie –– Mushroom clout.
Paint –– Blank canvas.
How to Blow Up a Pipeline –– Leak soup.
Showing Up –– Slowing up.
One True Loves –– Seeing double.
You’re Killing Me –– Bored to death.
Simulant –– You’ll need stimulant.
Chupa –– Goat sucker.
Joyland –– Paks fudge.
The Strange Case of Jacky Caillou –– Jacky eww.
Ride On –– Trots in hell.
Fist of the Condor –– Talon off.
Elemental –– The grate outdoors.
Grandpa Was an Emperor –– Addis a blah-blah.
Sam Now –– Sam I scam.

Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves –– Bored game.
A Thousand and One –– M1 tanks.
His Only Son –– Abraham lynchin’.
Spinning Gold –– Platter push.
Enys Men –– Anus, man.
Acidman –– Reflux poorly.
Space Oddity –– Mars sparse.
Malum –– Mute.
Velocity Girl –– Slow-witted.
Smoking Causes Coughing –– Hack work.
Róise & Frank –– Frank lessor.
The Line –– Line dunce.
In Viaggio: The Travels of Pope Francis –– Papa don’t reach.

John Wick: Chapter Four –– Flips its Wick.
Tetris –– Short stack.
A Good Person –– A bad movie.
The Lost King –– Richard the turd.
Stalker –– Follow the muddy.
Last Sentinel –– Nard guard.
The Tutor –– Lesson zero.
Chantilly Bridge –– Chantilly lazy.
Tori and Lokita –– Do-it-yourself kids.
The Five Devils –– Sniffy.
Walk Up –– Step off.
The Worst Ones –– Made this.
Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. –– Ill lizard activity.
What the Hell Happened to Blood, Sweat & Tears? –– A crying shame.
Nam June Paik: Moon is the Oldest TV –– Paik from scratch.

Shazam! Fury of the Gods –– ‘Sa sham!
Inside –– Shut-in place.
Moving On –– Goes nowhere.
Wildflower –– Don’t pick it.
All the World is Sleeping –– In theatre showing this.
Rodeo –– Horsey and lariat.
Supercell –– Anemia.
The Ghost Within –– Flea spirit.
American Cherry –– Pop tart.
Pinball: The Man Who Saved the Game –– Tilt death.
Country Gold –– Curious George Jones.
The Innocent –– Go finger.
Rimini –– Cad power.

Scream VI –– Shriek tragedy.
65 –– Claws and effect.
Champions –– Champs at the butt.
Punch –– Rump Punch.
The Magic Flute –– Reed thin.
Southern Gospel –– Hype praise.
Righteous Thieves –– Loot behavior.
The Ritual Killer –– Rite and wrong.
Unicorn Wars –– Hornswoggle.
99 Moons –– Um, bare-assed.
Martyr or Murderer –– Come off it.
I Got a Monster –– Po-po excuse.
Rewind & Play –– Monk fishes.

Creed III –– Pound foolish.
Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre –– A small Fortune.
Children of the Corn –– Kernel mustered.
Palm Trees and Power Lines –– Junk male.
What We Do Next –– Foul-up questions.
Blueback –– Blow back.
Transfusion –– Drip’s drip.
The Donor Party –– Sperm bunk.
The Year Between –– Bi cycles.
Give Me Pity! –– I sat through this.
A Little White Lie –– Author doxy.
Hunt Her, Kill Ker –– Bag lady.
The Forger –– Fraud with danger.
La Civil –– Fervent.
Still the Water –– I wanted sparkling.
Gods of Mexico –– Dios the dead.

Cocaine Bear –– Worser major.
Luther: the Fallen Sun –– Sore Luther.
Linoleum –– Fatally floored.
Juniper –– Bury.
My Happy Ending –– Fades out.
Who Are You People –– Daddy eschews.
Jesus Revolution –– Savior simplex.
God’s Time –– End of daze.
Bunker –– Hell.
Ambush –– Am bushed.
The Year of the Dog –– Barf beg.
The Confession Musical –– Amish shocked as you are.
Mummies –– Looney tombs.
Path of the Panther –– Spoor relations.

Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania –– Anty climax.
Marlowe –– A cross dick puzzle.
Emily –– Brontë sore.
Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey –– Bears a grudge.
Devil’s Peak –– Peak a boob.
Heart of a Champion –– Horse plucky.
A Radiant Girl –– Glow figure.
Hidden Blade –– Cut-rate.
Of An Age –– Old enough to know bugger.
The Other Fellow –– Pale Bondsmen.

Magic Mike’s Last Dance –– Lemon grind.
iMordecai –– I mortify.
Sharper –– Duller general.
Seriously Red –– Dolly partin’.
The Outwaters –– Run off.
She Came From the Woods –– Horror wood hills.
Consecration –– Bless, then zero.
Huesara: The Bone Woman –– Don’t pick this Bone.
The Blue Caftan –– No laughing shmata.
Irreversible: Straight Cut –– Noé out.
Cinema Sabaya –– Sabaya’s remorse.
Facing the Laughter: Minnie Pearl –– Pearl jammed.

80 for Brady –– Pity Pat.
Knock at the Cabin –– Knock on wooden.
Baby Ruby –– Ruby slip-ups.
Ocean Boy –– See urchin.
A Lot of Nothing –– To the nth degree.
Who Invited Charlie –– Charlie bobbles.
The Locksmith –– Off key.
Little Dixie –– Dixie chucks.
She Is Love –– I am hate.
The Amazing Maurice –– Catty slack.
The Blind Man Who Didn’t Want to See Titanic –– How about dumb one who did?
Let It Be Morning –– Wake up and smell the cliché.
Godland –– Hollowed ground.
Full Time –– Working bomb.
Woman of the Photographs –– Snapshat.
BTS: Yet to Come in Theaters –– These jerkoffs?
Ping Pong: The Triumph –– Table tenets.
Shtetlers –– Nu comers.

Infinity Pool –– In dip doo-doo.
Life Upside Down –– Ham stand.
Maybe I Do –– Honey don’t.
Fear –– Scares up.
Blood –– Not worth a red sense.
Remember This –– Karski and such.
Left Behind: Rise of the Antichrist –– Left behind sore.
Pinkfong Sing-Along Movie 2: Wonderstar Concert –– Singing in deranged.
Kompromat –– Runaway bribe.
Cairo Conspiracy –– Egypt beef.
The Man in the Basement –– Cellar smeller.
Free Skate –– Sow cow.
Petit Mal –– Mal rat.
Geographies of Solitude –– Bad credit lone.

Missing –– Screen idle.
Women Talking –– Men in night.
When You Finish Saving the World –– Salvation barmy.
Blaze –– Modestly Blaze.
After Love –– Doxy moron.
Kids vs. Aliens –– The young and the rasslers.
Alone at Night –– Bed karma.
In From the Side –– The back one.
That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime the Movie: Scarlet Bond –– Ooze your Daddy.

Plane –– And simple.
Otto –– Otto sight, out of mind.
Skinamarink –– A stinky dink.
The Offering –– Limited time.
The Devil Conspiracy –– Blow off some scheme.
The Price We Pay –– Admission creep.
The Seven Faces of Jane –– Meh Jane.
Door Mouse –– Dormant.
Night of the Bastard –– Poppa squat.
House Party –– Toker party.
Saint Omer –– Trial balloons.
Beautiful Beings –– Boy’s down.
Chess Story –– Call it a knight.
Kitchen Brigade –– Pans labyrinth.
My Father Muhammad Ali –– Soap-a-dope.

M3GAN –– Chucky cheese.
The Old Way –– I want no pard of it.
Candy Land –– Sour push.
Last Resort –– Final record.
Deleter –– Leave it out.
Imani –– Pit.
Mars One –– Audience zero.
The Wounded Man –– Hurt instinct.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a #@%! –– I overtly don’t.