Pan's Labyrinth — Woolly maze.
Miss Potter — I have every intention to.
Children of Men — Mamma MIA.
Venus — Half shelled.
The Painted Veil — To no avail.
Notes on a Scandal — Quiff notes.
Perfume — Eau de toilet.
Night at the Museum — Duhorama.
Rocky Balboa — Sly as a lox.
The Good Shepherd — CIA-holes.

We Are Marshall — Cloys "R" Us.
Dreamgirls — Schmotown.
The Good GermanIck! liebe dich.
Charlotte's Web — In a pig's eye.
Eragon — Errorgon.
The Secret Life of Words — Mouth trap.
The Pursuit of Happyness — The achievement of sappyness.
Apocalypto — Mayan kampf.
The Holiday — Ex-mas.
Blood Diamond — Paste.

Unaccompanied Minors — Kid schlock.
Inland Empire — Lynch bag.
3 Needles — Several pricks.
10 Items or Less — Don't check out.
The Nativity Story — Virgin records.
National Lampoon's Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj — Bolly wood.
Turistas — Vacate the premise.
Bobby — RF KO.
Deja Vu — Asinine. Asinine.
Casino Royale — Junk Bond.

Happy Feet — Mosh of the penguins.
The Fountain — Of doof.
Deck the Halls — Foul-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
For Your Consideration — Unwelcome Guest.
Fast Food Nation — A junior whopper.
Who the $#%& Is Jackson Pollock? — Who the $#%& wouldn't know?
Shut Up and Sing — Ditzy chicks.
Come Early Morning — Homily grits.
Let's Go to Prison — Do not pass go.
Stranger Than Fiction — Duller than dirt.

A Good Year — French, bore, dough.
Fur — A touch of stink.
Fuck — Ditto.
The Return — Of an undigested lunch.
Harsh Times — 120 mins. of this.
Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny — A twist of fat.
Borat — World's longest Wild and Crazy Guy skit.
Flushed Away — A sinker.
Volver— Pronounced vulva?
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause — Santa feh!

Death of a President — Bush whacked.
Saw IIISaw loser.
Catch a Fire — Curbs your apartheid.
Flags of Our Fathers — Flags.
The Prestrige — Hokum Pocus.
Running With Scissors — Cut it out!
Infamous — Truman kaput.
Marie Antoinette — Let them eat scenery.
Shortbus — Tard and fettered.
Jesus Camp — Our Lord lip syncs Cher?

Man of the Year — A flea erection.
The Grudge 2 — A nip on one's shoulder.
One Night with the King— Bible stumper.
The Marine — Sub.
Employee of the Month — Work load.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning — You've got the cutest little leatherface.
Little Children — Sucker moms.
The Guardian — Ass, O, Ass.
Open Season — Shot.
School for Scoundrels — PU.

The Last King of Scotland — Idi gourmet.
All the King's Men — Penn pol.
Jackass: Number Two — Stunted.
The Science of Sleep — Snoozology.
Flyboys — Just plane silly.
Jet Li's Fearless — Gassed Li.
The Black Dahlia — Like the victim, opinion is split.
Gridiron Gang — Juvy or not juvy.
Everyone's Hero — Babe Ruthless.
The Last Kiss — Buss stop.

Hollywoodland — Supercide.
The Protector — Thai pinned.
The Covenant — Coven stuffer.
Crank — Bum rush.
Crossover — A dribbler.
Lassie — Bitched up.
The Wicker Man — Wiccan do without.
Invincible — Unintelligible receiver downfield.
Beerfest — Low brau.
IdlewildUnder a Cherry Moon II.

How to Eat Fried Worms — Gross incompetence.
The Quiet — Shhhhhit.
Snakes on a Plane — A crashing boa.
Accepted — Flunkheads.
The Illusionist — Schmuck and mirrors.
Material Girls — The material: a cheap synthetic.
Factotum — Dipso facto.
Pulse — Try Repulse.
Zoom — Zip.
Step Up — Flushdance.

World Trade Center — Rubble-rouser.
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby— Lap dunce.
Barnyard: The Original Party Animals— Cow maneuver.
The Night Listener — Can you hear me snoring?
The Descent— How low you can go.
Miami Vice — A bust.
The Ant Bully — Drones on.
John Tucker Must Die — Of boredom.
Scoop — The poop.
Lady in the Water — Near myth.


Cinema 2023
Cinema 2022
Cinema 2021
Cinema 2020
Cinema 2019
Cinema 2018
Cinema 2017
Cinema 2016
Cinema 2015
Cinema 2014
Cinema 2013
Cinema 2012
Cinema 2011
Cinema 2010
Cinema 2009
Cinema 2008
Cinema 2007
Cinema 2006
Cinema 2005

E. Basil St. Blaise


Crash – And bore.
Brokeback Mountain — Ho mo on the range.
Capote — In cold dud.
Good Night, and Good Luck — Black and white and reds all over.
Munich — An oy for an oy.

Monster House — Not even a rental.
My Super Ex-Girlfriend — Lacks a sense of Uma.
Clerks II — As eagerly awaited as a follow-up colonoscopy.
You, Me and Dupree — Ménage a twat.
Little Man — Pygmy pen.
Wordplay — Puzzling.
The Oh in Ohio — And Oh, shit!
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest — Depp charge.
A Scanner Darkly — Roto-Rooterscoped.
Superman Returns — AC/DC Superhero.

Click — Doesn't.
Waist Deep — And sinking fast.
The Devil Wears Prada — Harpy's Bazaar.
Nacho Libre — Spandex-Mex.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift — Pimp my rice.
Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties — Pussy's close shave.
The Lake House — In a Keanu without a paddle.
Cars — Napper auto parts.
A Prairie Home Companion — Like, woebegone.
The Omen — Sucks Sucks Sucks.

The Break-Up — What a dump!
District B13 — Chop-Sucky.
Cavite — Like having one filled.
X-Men: The Last Stand — X-lax.
An Inconvenient Truth — Gorey details.
The Da Vinci Code — Mrs. Jesus H. Christ!
See No Evil — So shut your eyes after the credits.
Over the Hedge — Warm and fuzzy, like a raccoon passing a tennis ball.
Poseidon — Poisoned.
Just My Luck — The projector was working.

Art School Confidential — Clowes-minded.
Hoot — What not to give.
An American Haunting — What possessed them?
United 93 — Tragitainment.
RV — Hell on wheels.
Stick It — Where the sun don't shine.
Akeelah and the Bee — Poor spellers.
Brick — Pinhead noir.
American Dreamz — The Clay Aiken of parodies.
The Sentinel — Lameassassination.

Silent Hill — JV-Horror.
Scary Movie 4 — Satired.
The Wild — S'poor.
Kinky Boots — TV sitcom.
The Notorious Bettie Page — Bound to disappoint.
Hard Candy — R. Kelly's worst nightmare.
Lucky Number Slevin — Craps.
The Benchwarmers — Methane-fueled.
Take the Lead — And waltz this dog off the floor.
Friends With Money — Regrettably, with enough to cover the budget.

Phat Girlz — Phatal.
Basic Instinct 2 — Stone aged.
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown — Extinks.
Slither — As witty as plastic puke.
Inside Man — Dork Day Afternoon.
Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector — Git-R-Dumb.
Stay Alive — Drop Dead.
The Libertine — The lecher circuit.
V for Vendetta — Reeking havoc.

Thank You for Smoking — Butt ugliness.
Find Me Guilty — Of mugging.
She's the Man — Balls out.
Don't Come Knocking — An unpleasant oater.
The Shaggy Dog — Two legs up.
Failure to Launch — Cialis wouldn't help.
Ask the Dust — El lay.
Game 6 — Curse of the DeLillo.
The Hills Have Eyes — And they're bloodshot.
Ultraviolet — But unfortunately part of the visible spectrum.

Aquamarine — Merdemaid.
16 Blocks — Bummer-to-bummer.
Dave Chapelle's Block Party Block ain't beautiful.
Running Scared — Just keep telling yourself it's only a retread.
Doogal — Boondooggle.
Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion — Cross-housedressing.
Tsotsi — Not so hotsi.
Date Movie — The date: 2000 BC.
Freedomland — Color by numbers.
Eight Below — Ice pups.

The Pink Panther — Sellers is spinning in his grave after tripping on a minkey.
Firewall — Hack work.
Curious George — Pap art.
Final Destination 3 — Terminal boredom.
When a Stranger Calls — Terrifying as 90 minutes with a telemarketer.
Something New — If you've been in a coma since 1967.
A Good Woman — Girls Gone Wilde.
The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada — In turd.
Big Momma's House 2 — A big, fat drag.
Nanny McPhee — A brat's nest.

Annapolis — Naval-gazing.
End of the Spear — The short end.
Dogville — Dogmatic.
Glory Road — *SPOILER ALERT* The scrappy underdogs actually win the big game!
Tristan and Isolde — Tragic micks.
Last Holiday — Rote trip.
Hoodwinked— Grandma, what big, poorly-drawn, awkwardly-animated eyes you have.
Underworld: Evolution — Disproving Intelligent Design.