Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World — Stopping at Saddam's trial.
Bloodrayne — Brayne drayne.
Hostel — Youth hostile.
Grandma's Boy — Sagadelic.
The Ringer — Ding Dong.
Match Point — Double fault.
The Matador — Oil of olé.
The New World — Yanks Clobber Indians.
Wolf Creek — Outback Grindhouse.
Cheaper by the Dozen 2 — Kiddie litter.

The White Countess — As tasteful as The White Castle.
Rumor Has It — Rumor can keep it.
King Kong — Hollywood’s new 800-lb gorilla spends $200 million colorizing a classic.
The Producers — Shtick shift.
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe — Where are The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and her Lover?
Memoirs of a Geisha — The World of Sushi Wong.
Fun wIth Dick and Jane — Just stay home and have fun with dick.
First Descent — Eats snow.
Aeon Flux — The sequel? Aeon Reflux.
Transamerica — Tranny 911.

The Family Stone — The family that stinks together, sinks together.
In the Mix — I don't want to see Usher in a movie theatre unless he's holding a flashlight and showing me to my seat.
Rent — Feels like 525,600 minutes.
Syriana — They can't be syrious.
Yours, Mine and Ours — And Satan's.
Just Friends — Sleeping with the anomie.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire — For Thanksgiving. Gobble, gobble, goblet.
Walk the Line — Cash and karaoke.
Zathura — Xanax, Ativan, Nembutal, Valium, Quaalude.
Get Rich or Die Tryin' — 50 Cent worth of entertainment.

Bee Season — Twee. T-W-E-E. Twee.
Derailed — Off track bedding.
Jarhead — Pickled brains.
Chicken Little — Cheap cheap.
The Dying Gaul — The gall!
The Weather Man — You don’t need one to know which way the film blows.
The Legend of Zorro — Grade Z.
Saw II — I never even Saw I.
Prime — Younger man, older woman, ancient jokes.
North Country — Sex with a miner.

Shopgirl — The salesjerk.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang — Dead Dead.
Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story — 10% inspiration, 90% horse sweat.
Stay — Away.
Domino — Makes Dog The Bounty Hunter look like Cries and Whispers.
The Fog — Thick as pea brains.
Two for the Money — So McConaughey and Russo need the cash, but does Pacino have a screw loose?
Doom — Barbecued gibs.
The Gospel — According to Market Research.
Elizabethtown — You lost me at hello.

Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit — I wish it were-funny.
Waiting – Poo poo platter.
In Her Shoes — She should join Odor-Eaters Anonymous.
Into the Blue — Aquadung.
Serenity — Ahh, the stillness of an empty movie theatre.
The Greatest Game Ever Played — Caddy slack.
Oliver Twist — Faginomics.
Flightplan — Set Jodie Foster on autoemote and bail.
A History of Violence — Here Viggo again.
Thumbsucker — Umm, that's not his thumb.

Roll Bounce — Disco. Duck.
Proof — Gwynny should return the Oscar.
Everything is Illuminated — Not by this dim bulb.
Tim Burton's Corpse Bride — Mr. Morbid cracks open a cold one.
Just Like HeavenCan Wait.
Lord of War — Low-caliber.
Cry Wolf — A howler.
Venom — Voodoodoo.
An Unfinished Life — Sentence.
The Aristocrats — A blue ball.

Transporter 2 — Dedex.
The Man — Hole.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose — Devil dog.
A Sound of Thunder — Or a butterfly passing wind?
The Constant Gardener — Two green thumbs down.
March of the Penguins — Waddle, don't toddle, to your local theater.
The Cave — In.
Undiscovered — Let's keep it that way.
Valiant — It does take balls to go wide with these pigeon droppings.
The Brothers Grimm — Grimmer. Grimmest.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin — Zip it.
Red Eye — We prescribe Melodramamine.
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo — Sloppy seconds.
The Great Raid — The Lousy Escape.
Broken Flowers — Jim, the pan is dead already, bury it.
2046 — Order Kar-Wai Wong for triple delight of Lo Brow Mein, Pork Li Gong, Subdum Chick. Extra slow-cooked in auteur's special hip and sour sauce.
The Skeleton Key — Bolt.
Dukes of Hazzard — Biohazzard.
Four Brothers — Boobz N the Hood.
Sky High — It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...a gnat.

Stealth – SBD.
Must Love Dogs – To love this movie.
Bad News Bears – Bears bad news.
The Island – Of Dr. Moron.
The Devil's Rejects – Satan does have taste.
Hustle & Flow – Pimp and circumstance.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – A bomb bomb.
Wedding Crashers – Rented schmux.
Fantastic Four – The Three Stooges Meet Invisible Woman.
Dark Water – Plumbing the depths.
Rebound – Basket case.


Cinema 2023
Cinema 2022
Cinema 2021
Cinema 2020
CInema 2019
Cinema 2018
Cinema 2017
Cinema 2016
Cinema 2015
Cinema 2014
Cinema 2013
Cinema 2012
Cinema 2011
Cinema 2010
Cinema 2009
Cinema 2008
Cinema 2007
Cinema 2006
Cinema 2005

E. Basil St. Blaise


The Aviator – Like a 12-hour non-stop to Vegas for the Celebrity Impersonators Convention.
Finding Neverland – A sexually frustrated Johnny Depp suffers Peter Pain.
Million Dollar Baby – Controversial melodrama that has brain-dead commentators terrified that someone might pull the plug on them.
Ray – The bland leading the bland.
Sideways – An amusing little film with a slightly nutty texture and an unsubtle hint of nebbish.

War of the Worlds – A bizarre alien life form terrorizes the people of Earth on television. And then stars in this clinker.
Bewitched – Like spending two hours perched on an awkwardly positioned broomstick.
George A. Romero's Land of the Dead – Redread.
Batman Begins – To get on my nerves.
Mr. & Mrs. Smith – The Pitt and the Pendulums.
The Honeymooners – The most pointless makeover since Star Jones' tummy tuck.
Howl's Moving Castle – Like watching Astroboy hitting on Snow White over sushi and schnitzel.
Herbie: Fully Loaded – He must have been pretty high.
Layer Cake – Lemon icing.
The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3DEww! Lava Girl just erupted on the front row!

High TensionVendredi le Treizieme: Chapitre XII. Jason should sue.
Cinderella Man – Crowe-magnon.
Lords of Dogtown – Skate bored.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants – Jean therapy for tweens.
The Longest Yard – The distance between Sandler's set up of a joke and the punchline. Punt.
Madagascar – Aminals make doody.
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith – Same old Sith.
Monster-in-Law – Annoy Jane.
Kicking & Screaming – Snoooooore!
Mindhunters – They came back empty-headed.

Unleashed – Bad boy! Look what you did on the screen.
Kingdom of Heaven – Ridley Scott diddly-squat.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy – Zero-thumb gain.
XXX: State of the Union – Ice Cube : Action Hero :: Ice-T : Rocket Scientist.
House of Wax – Drip, drip, drip.
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room – When Dubya came to call.
A Lot Like Love – Canal.
The Interpreter – Rough translation: Hitchcock and bull.
Kung Fu Hustle – Martial arse.
The Amityville Horror – So bad it makes one reconsider James Brolin's entire oeuvre.

Palindromes – Poop.
The House of D – As in Duh.
Sahara – S'horror.
Sin City – Beaten to a Pulp Fiction.
Fever Pitch – There's something about Barrymore. But it's not acting ability. Farrelly foul.
Beauty Shop – You go, girl! And don't come back.
Miss Congeniality II: Armed and FabulousBullocks!
Robots – Oy, Robot.
Guess Who – Amos and Ashton.
The RIng Two – Crap circles.
Melinda and Melinda – Woody and Willy equal Directile Dysfunction.

Hostage – Could not be more grueling if it had been co-produced by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.
The Passion Recut – Like a sadistic Mohel, Mel Gibson takes another whack at His Lord.
The Upside of Anger – Insincere imbeciles! Pretentious jerkoffs! Sanctimonious scumbags! Hey, this does feel good.
Be Cool – Too late, Travolta's career is already rotten.
Constantine – Not the One.
The Pacifier – For suckers.
Because of Winn-Dixie – Why go to Publix?
The Jacket – Breaks wind.
Hitch – Hike.
Are We There Yet? – Yes, here's the off-ramp to the Ninth Circle of Hell.

Inside Deep Throat – Spit.
Hide and Seek – And Destroy.
Alexander – Glam Bull.
Meet the Fockers – Socks.
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate EventsAce Ventura's A Series of Infelicitous Ad-libs.
The Phantom of the Opera – You'll be rooting for the chandelier.
Spanglish – Por el director Brooks, As Malo As It Gets.
The Polar Express – As scrumdiddlyumptious as a wax candied apple.
Pooh's Heffalump Movie – Don't be modest, Pooh's squeezed out a whole lump here.
Christmas With the Kranks – Tim Allen exercises the Santa Clause in his contract with Satan.

National Treasure – Bury it.
Kinsey – Masters his Johnson.
Alfie – Jude 'sexiest man alive' Law proves he can open his zipper, but not a movie.
I Heart Huckabees – I Stomach Idiocies.
Team America: World Police – The South Park geniuses screw Viacom out of $20 million to film puppets screwing.
Shark Tale – Fish bait, chum.
The Machinist – The new Batman loses 63 lbs. Porn for anorectics.

The Grudge – Horror Japanese remake film unintelligible.
Shrek 2 – Mike Myers’ other Fat Bastard makes number two.
The Stepford Wives – Screenwriter Paul Rudnick can’t decide if he wants to bitch slap the ladies who lunch or dish with them as Libby Gelman-Waxner.
The Manchurian Candidate – Actors so hammy Hannibal Lecter couldn’t stomach them.
Exorcist: The Beginning – You’d rather be your mother doing what she likes to do when she’s in Hell.
Around the World in 80 Days – You’ll feel like you’ve crossed the International Date Line. Twice.
The Passion of the Christ – Jesus whipped.