Critic's Corner: Cinema 2005

CINEMA 2005

Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World — Stopping at Saddam's trial.
Bloodrayne — Brayne drayne.
Hostel — Youth hostile.
Grandma's Boy — Sagadelic.
The Ringer — Ding Dong.
Match Point — Double fault.
The Matador — Oil of olé.
The New World — Yanks Clobber Indians.
Wolf Creek — Outback Grindhouse.
Cheaper by the Dozen 2 — Kiddie litter.

The White Countess — As tasteful as The White Castle.
Rumor Has It — Rumor can keep it.
King Kong — Hollywood’s new 800-lb gorilla spends $200 million colorizing a classic.
The Producers — Shtick shift.
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe — Where are The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and her Lover?
Memoirs of a Geisha — The World of Sushi Wong.
Fun wIth Dick and Jane — Just stay home and have fun with dick.
First Descent — Eats snow.
Aeon Flux — The sequel? Aeon Reflux.
Transamerica — Tranny 911.

The Family Stone — The family that stinks together, sinks together.
In the Mix — I don't want to see Usher in a movie theatre unless he's holding a flashlight and showing me to my seat.
Rent — Feels like 525,600 minutes.
Syriana — They can't be syrious.
Yours, Mine and Ours — And Satan's.
Just Friends — Sleeping with the anomie.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire — For Thanksgiving. Gobble, gobble, goblet.
Walk the Line — Cash and karaoke.
Zathura — Xanax, Ativan, Nembutal, Valium, Quaalude.
Get Rich or Die Tryin' — 50 Cent worth of entertainment.

Bee Season — Twee. T-W-E-E. Twee.
Derailed — Off track bedding.
Jarhead — Pickled brains.
Chicken Little — Cheap cheap.
The Dying Gaul — The gall!
The Weather Man — You don’t need one to know which way the film blows.
The Legend of Zorro — Grade Z.
Saw II — I never even Saw I.
Prime — Younger man, older woman, ancient jokes.
North Country — Sex with a miner.

Shopgirl — The salesjerk.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang — Dead Dead.
Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story — 10% inspiration, 90% horse sweat.
Stay — Away.
Domino — Makes Dog The Bounty Hunter look like Cries and Whispers.
The Fog — Thick as pea brains.
Two for the Money — So McConaughey and Russo need the cash, but does Pacino have a screw loose?
Doom — Barbecued gibs.
The Gospel — According to Market Research.
Elizabethtown — You lost me at hello.

Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit — I wish it were-funny.
Waiting – Poo poo platter.
In Her Shoes — She should join Odor-Eaters Anonymous.
Into the Blue — Aquadung.
Serenity — Ahh, the stillness of an empty movie theatre.
The Greatest Game Ever Played — Caddy slack.
Oliver Twist — Faginomics.
Flightplan — Set Jodie Foster on autoemote and bail.
A History of Violence — Here Viggo again.
Thumbsucker — Umm, that's not his thumb.

Roll Bounce — Disco. Duck.
Proof — Gwynny should return the Oscar.
Everything is Illuminated — Not by this dim bulb.
Tim Burton's Corpse Bride — Mr. Morbid cracks open a cold one.
Just Like Heaven — Can Wait.
Lord of War — Low-caliber.
Cry Wolf — A howler.
Venom — Voodoodoo.
An Unfinished Life — Sentence.
The Aristocrats — A blue ball.

Transporter 2 — Dedex.
The Man — Hole.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose — Devil dog.
A Sound of Thunder — Or a butterfly passing wind?
The Constant Gardener — Two green thumbs down.
March of the Penguins — Waddle, don't toddle, to your local theater.
The Cave — In.
Undiscovered — Let's keep it that way.
Valiant — It does take balls to go wide with these pigeon droppings.
The Brothers Grimm — Grimmer. Grimmest.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin — Zip it.
Red Eye — We prescribe Melodramamine.
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo — Sloppy seconds.
The Great Raid — The Lousy Escape.
Broken Flowers — Jim, the pan is dead already, bury it.
2046 — Order Kar-Wai Wong for triple delight of Lo Brow Mein, Pork Li Gong, Subdum Chick. Extra slow-cooked in auteur's special hip and sour sauce.
The Skeleton Key — Bolt.
Dukes of Hazzard — Biohazzard.
Four Brothers — Boobz N the Hood.
Sky High — It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...a gnat.

Stealth – SBD.
Must Love Dogs – To love this movie.
Bad News Bears – Bears bad news.
The Island – Of Dr. Moron.
The Devil's Rejects – Satan does have taste.
Hustle & Flow – Pimp and circumstance.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – A bomb bomb.
Wedding Crashers – Rented schmux.
Fantastic Four – The Three Stooges Meet Invisible Woman.
Dark Water – Plumbing the depths.
Rebound – Basket case.

TOP

OSCAR: THE GROUCH 2005

The Aviator – Like a 12-hour non-stop to Vegas for the Celebrity Impersonators Convention.
Finding Neverland – A sexually frustrated Johnny Depp suffers Peter Pain.
Million Dollar Baby – Controversial melodrama that has brain-dead commentators terrified that someone might pull the plug on them.
Ray – The bland leading the bland.
Sideways – An amusing little film with a slightly nutty texture and an unsubtle hint of nebbish.

War of the Worlds – A bizarre alien life form terrorizes the people of Earth on television. And then stars in this clinker.
Bewitched – Like spending two hours perched on an awkwardly positioned broomstick.
George A. Romero's Land of the Dead – Redread.
Batman Begins – To get on my nerves.
Mr. & Mrs. Smith – The Pitt and the Pendulums.
The Honeymooners – The most pointless makeover since Star Jones' tummy tuck.
Howl's Moving Castle – Like watching Astroboy hitting on Snow White over sushi and schnitzel.
Herbie: Fully Loaded – He must have been pretty high.
Layer Cake – Lemon icing.
The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3D – Eww! Lava Girl just erupted on the front row!

High Tension – Vendredi le Treizieme: Chapitre XII. Jason should sue.
Cinderella Man – Crowe-magnon.
Lords of Dogtown – Skate bored.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants – Jean therapy for tweens.
The Longest Yard – The distance between Sandler's set up of a joke and the punchline. Punt.
Madagascar – Aminals make doody.
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith – Same old Sith.
Monster-in-Law – Annoy Jane.
Kicking & Screaming – Snoooooore!
Mindhunters – They came back empty-headed.

Unleashed – Bad boy! Look what you did on the screen.
Kingdom of Heaven – Ridley Scott diddly-squat.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy – Zero-thumb gain.
XXX: State of the Union – Ice Cube : Action Hero :: Ice-T : Rocket Scientist.
House of Wax – Drip, drip, drip.
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room – When Dubya came to call.
A Lot Like Love – Canal.
The Interpreter – Rough translation: Hitchcock and bull.
Kung Fu Hustle – Martial arse.
The Amityville Horror – So bad it makes one reconsider James Brolin's entire oeuvre.

Palindromes – Poop.
The House of D – As in Duh.
Sahara – S'horror.
Sin City – Beaten to a Pulp Fiction.
Fever Pitch – There's something about Barrymore. But it's not acting ability. Farrelly foul.
Beauty Shop – You go, girl! And don't come back.
Miss Congeniality II: Armed and Fabulous – Bullocks!
Robots – Oy, Robot.
Guess Who – Amos and Ashton.
The RIng Two – Crap circles.
Melinda and Melinda – Woody and Willy equal Directile Dysfunction.

Hostage – Could not be more grueling if it had been co-produced by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.
The Passion Recut – Like a sadistic Mohel, Mel Gibson takes another whack at His Lord.
The Upside of Anger – Insincere imbeciles! Pretentious jerkoffs! Sanctimonious scumbags! Hey, this does feel good.
Be Cool – Too late, Travolta's career is already rotten.
Constantine – Not the One.
The Pacifier – For suckers.
Because of Winn-Dixie – Why go to Publix?
The Jacket – Breaks wind.
Hitch – Hike.
Are We There Yet? – Yes, here's the off-ramp to the Ninth Circle of Hell.

Inside Deep Throat – Spit.
Hide and Seek – And Destroy.
Alexander – Glam Bull.
Meet the Fockers – Socks.
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events – Ace Ventura's A Series of Infelicitous Ad-libs.
The Phantom of the Opera – You'll be rooting for the chandelier.
Spanglish – Por el director Brooks, As Malo As It Gets.
The Polar Express – As scrumdiddlyumptious as a wax candied apple.
Pooh's Heffalump Movie – Don't be modest, Pooh's squeezed out a whole lump here.
Christmas With the Kranks – Tim Allen exercises the Santa Clause in his contract with Satan.

National Treasure – Bury it.
Kinsey – Masters his Johnson.
Alfie – Jude 'sexiest man alive' Law proves he can open his zipper, but not a movie.
I Heart Huckabees – I Stomach Idiocies.
Team America: World Police – The South Park geniuses screw Viacom out of $20 million to film puppets screwing.
Shark Tale – Fish bait, chum.
The Machinist – The new Batman loses 63 lbs. Porn for anorectics.

The Grudge – Horror Japanese remake film unintelligible.
Shrek 2 – Mike Myers’ other Fat Bastard makes number two.
The Stepford Wives – Screenwriter Paul Rudnick can’t decide if he wants to bitch slap the ladies who lunch or dish with them as Libby Gelman-Waxner.
The Manchurian Candidate – Actors so hammy Hannibal Lecter couldn’t stomach them.
Exorcist: The Beginning – You’d rather be your mother doing what she likes to do when she’s in Hell.
Around the World in 80 Days – You’ll feel like you’ve crossed the International Date Line. Twice.
The Passion of the Christ – Jesus whipped.