Swamp Think

It's the slimiest time of the year again when things go squish in the night. A Halloween season made all the sloppier by its convergence with a (gasp!) presidential election cycle that will culminate in a November 5th vote poised to sink us past our chins into unprecedented muck.

But let's not wallow in real-life horrors –– we'd rather reach out across the Okeefenokee of our imaginations to consider the very soggiest in spooky cinema with our guide to gore, E. Basil St. Blaise. He's to tracking down slippery horror films as Jon Voight's character Paul Serone was to hunting massive snakes in 1997's Anaconda ('Wiggly field' was St. Blaise's review.) Which is to say, rarely reliable and difficult to understand –– was Voight's oddly-accented character from Paraguay, Parador or paraquat?

Appropriately, we located St. Blaise in his mobile HQ on the edge of a vast swamp –– Florida. The Sunshine State has clouded over of late and been inundated by a series of storms that would make el Niño cry 'no mas.' When we Zoomed in on the prickly critic he acknowledged the deluge: "This was worse than the movie Hurricane –– the awful 1979 version with Mia Farrow and Jason Robards, the one I clocked at 'Gale farce.' The 1937 John Ford original, The Hurricane, actually had more convincing special effects, but I still rated it 'All wet.' Neither should be confused with Norman Jewison's 1997 The Hurricane with Denzel Washington as imprisoned boxer Rubin 'Hurricane' Carter. Despite clear skies, it too was overly damp. I gave it a standing 10 count, tagging it 'Trash Carter.'

But enough about the weather –– I don't want to sound like a bloody Brit. Although you just might need a slicker for this year's roundup of scary movies set near and in the drink. I already have the rubber booties and rain hat on my faithful Affenpinscher Josef (like those will stay on until I finish this intro.) And I've just poured myself a What's Kraken cocktail –– released it, if you will –– to help me ride the waves like Poseiden.

Of course, the Kraken puts me in mind of Liam Neeson bellowing his command in that Greek tragedy of a remake of Clash of the Titans ((2010) –– Clash poor.) It also recalls one of my favorite sea-going disasters. The classic with the whale, the religious fanatic and the sinking ship. Y'know, Shelley Winters as a belly-flopping grand dame and preacher Gene Hackman as a ham in The Poseidon Adventure ((1972) –– Liner notes.) It's kept me off Disney Cruises for years.

Lagoon Squad

Let's begin in dismal backwaters for some flicks that try to exploit our fear of the creepy, crawly things that breed just below the surface. Universal Studios was known for it's classic land-based threats like Frankenstein's monster, the Mummy and the Wolfman from the 30s and 40s –– those that trod terror firma, if you will (or won't, like I care.) After a long drought they served up a slicker, speechless stalker, their last classic creation.

Creature From the Black Lagoon (1954) –– Amphibious vehicle.
The original was memorable for the Creature's blaring three-chord sting, his full body makeup, and the full-bodied makeup of Julie Adams in a snug white swimsuit. Then came the inevitable dips back into the murk.
Revenge of the Creature (1955) –– Back in Black.
The Creature Walks Among Us (1956) –– Scaly monsters.

The Gillman, a certified mouth breather out of his element, bred several offspring that forced unfortunate stunt men with powerful lungs into rubber suits. The caviar of the catch was the Academy Award-winning effort by auteur Guillermo del Toro which offered a Beauty on the Beast twist. It was predictably overstuffed like a seafood taco with an extra helping of fish balls.
The Shape of Water (2017) –– Manfish, man.

DC Comics had a lumbering, witless half man/half mangrove anti-hero in their stable of horror comics characters that made Bane look like Brainiac (like I know who they are –– a neighbor's kid suggested those two.) Wes Craven got a crack at Athlete's Bigfoot and had some fun bouncing Adrienne Barbeau around on his spongy back. The sequel tried for a more tongue-in-cheek tone –– it was like watching the Golem play Noel Coward (them I know.)
Swamp Thing (1982) –– Mire lemon.
The Return of Swamp Thing (1989) –– A fetid omelette.

I suppose the political cartoon at the top of this page was inspired by this plant-based monster. It has all the flavor of a quinoa patty on a spelt biscuit. And speaking of the sucking sound you hear whilst galumphing through the mud –– leave us remember David E. Kelly's ironic(!) giant crocodile thriller(?) Lake Placid ((1999) –– Snap shat.)

Mystie River

And then there are the sort of noxious bubbles of swamp gas that one typically experiences on Mystery Science Theatre 3000 ((1988-1999) –– Riff raft.) More on MST3000 in a future post, but suffice it to say that these films are so bad that they provide punchlines for space-borne jokes on the Satellite of Love that don't ever need to land.
The She-Creature (1956) –– See hag.
The Horror of Party Beach (1964) –– Sandy menace.
Blood Waters of Dr. Z (1971) –– Falling Z-level.
The Legend of Boggy Creek (1972) –– Boggy on down.

And what's a terrorarium without a fire-breathing turtle? I didn't want to smile for the Gamera in Gammera the Invincible, the 1966 kaiju that had been Americanized with an additional letter 'm' and added scenes out of a road show production of Fail Safe ((1964) –– Nuclear waste.). I offered the tepid observation, 'Terrapin better movies.' This virtual Japanese remake of Godzilla ((1954) –– Tokyo raze.) on the half shell, puts me in mind of a British 'homage' that stuck with a big lizard (this time with an even bigger mamma) rising from the deep and punching Big Ben entitled Gorgo ((1961) –– And spit.)

And let's mention a couple of ancient coastal disturbances with the undead who seem drawn to the surf as long as it's not too salty. Bela Lugosi glowered as the aptly monikered Murder Legendre in the unsettling original which was purportedly the first film to bring these stiffs to our screens. The entire cast was shuffle bored by the time of the Bela-less sequel.
White Zombie (1932) –– Loathe-Haiti relationship.
Revolt of the Zombies (1936) Revolting.
Yes, obvious, but irresistible.

Jaws Breakers

It's Halloween in July when I flash back to an Independence Day 1976 weekend when I first experienced Steven Spielberg's first (and best) blockbuster.
Jaws (1975) –– Lone shark.

Aside from the first sequels's inspired tagline, 'just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water', the subsequent trio all bit in their own special ways.
Jaws 2 (1978) –– Sharks and recreation.
Jaws 3–D (1983) –– Swam-bam, thank you, Ma’am.
Jaws: The Revenge (1987) –– Schmuck fin.

Among the many direct knockoffs of Jaws were these two international productions, the second a rubbery primi plata of calamari from Italy.
Orca (1977) –– Killer wail.
Tentacles (1977) –– Sucker bunch.

Of course apex predators have their fun side, too, so why not a family pic with the slogan, 'Make room in your heart for a six-ton pet!!!' like Namu, the Killer Whale ((1966) –– Black-and-white kooky.)?

Nowadays we've been made to see these stylish, two-tone killing machines as sadly misunderstood and even abused by having being made to perform for the amusement of their chum (as in feed not friend.) The documentary Blackfish ((2013) –– Black and white and red all over.) even alibied the deaths of three humans by noble Tilikum of SeaWorld Orlando due to his being seen, but not, y'know, seen. I hear the poor beast actually missed the spotlight (and the snacks) and passed away a bitter hasbit in 2016.

It's no Poseidon Adventure, but Herman Melville's verbose Moby-Dick; or, The Whale ((1851) –– Spouts off.) has to be acknowledged as the progenitor of all modern sea-faring yarns. It directly inspired John Huston's 1956 Moby Dick, much simplified in punctuation and plot, which I harpooned as 'Fudges the whale.' John Barrymore had starred as half an Ahab in a prehistoric 1930 Dick pic, one which fairly slandered the author's vision. I accused that minnow of 'Breach of contract.'

While we're still adrift out here as the sun sinks in the briny, why not send up a flare for a couple of water-logged Jules Verne adaptations?
20,000 Leagues Beneath the Sea (1954) –– Nemo or less.
Captain Nemo and the Underwater City (1969) –– Sunk set.

Talk about losing Nemo.

Well, annoy, maties and Happy Halloween at 13 bells!"

Previous St. Blaise Halloween Roundups:
Screecher Comforts
U.S. House of Horrors
The Haunted Manchin
Red Meet
Monster Rally 2020
The Phantom Minus
Slash and Burn
Hardy Horror
scroll down for these 3:
Trump or Treat
Field of Screams
Screamed Corn

Listen to E. Basil St. Blaise on his Critic's Corner Podcast.

10/27/24