Stocking Suffers
Christmas is coming, and it's time to feel the strains of cheery ditties and stuff your stockings. Thus, we contacted E. Basil St. Blaise, our slightly fruity Panettone of music criticism, whose pan o' Tony is legendary, (Snowfall: The Tony Bennett Christmas Album (1968) –– Flakes out.) and asked him to review 2018's crop of Xmas tunes before they disappear into thin airs.
Holiday music always warms the heart of St. Blaise and his trusty canine companion. His patented Nogasaki Fat Man cocktail takes care of the other organs. From his mobile HQ, currently parked in Santa Claus, IN (he claims) the Christmas Grouse explains, "I put on a cotton beard and fur-trimmed red cap and place foam antlers and a red clown's nose on Josef, while playfully calling him Rudolf. That get-up stays on for about twenty seconds. If I'm in a mellow mood and feel warmly disposed to the little brute, I pop Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong's Ella & Louis Christmas ((2016) –– Scat fancy.) in the CD player. If I'm feeling more Satan than Santa, I choose the tinnitis-inducing Christmas Bells by Carillon Bells ((2015) –– Una-pealing.) and make Josef listen with headphones. If I can't decide, it's Elvis' Christmas Album ((1957) –– Blue suede snooze.) on the Radio Shack Hi-Fi with peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwiches."
Here are this year's Grinch-worthy releases for your listening pleasure.
Legendary Christmas / John Legend –– Legends of the Falalala.
Happy Xmas / Eric Clapton –– Snow hand.
Shatner Claus: The Christmas Album / William Shatner –– Cheap Trek.
This Christmas Day / Jessie J –– JJ what?
It’s the Holiday Season / Martina McBride –– Runaway McBride.
Christmas Party / The Monkees –– Ho ho hosed.
Winter in the Air / David Archuleta –– Nippy slip.
Warmest Christmas Wishes / Engelbert Humperdinck –– Hummer stink.
Warmer in the Winter / Lindsey Sterling –– Tuner melt.
You Make it Feel Like Christmas / Gwen Stefani –– Bah! relief.
Christmas (Take a Ride) / Mitch Ryder –– Sleigh, lady, sleigh.
Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas / Paul Williams –– Otter nonsense.
Season of Peace: The Christmas Collection / Michael McDonald –– Cold McDonald.
Christmas Party / RuPaul –– Glad drags.
It’s Christmas, Eve / LeAnn Rimes –– Eve of destruction.
A Merry Little Christmas / Mormon Tabernacle Choir –– Carol chanting.
Reason for the Season / Mike Love –– For the Love of mic.
'Tis also the season for artists to repackage and resell their once-upon-a-time popular music in shiny, new packages to sonic Boomers with short memories. Here's hoping you live in a state that has legalized Maryjane which should help you remember and/or forget, as needed.
Legacy / Eagles –– Soar losers.
This Was: 50th Anniversary Edition / Jethro Tull –– A Tull roar.
Unzipped / Whitesnake –– Put it back in your pans.
Solo Anthology: The Best of Lindsey Buckingham / Lindsey Buckingham –– Buckingham ballast.
Every Move You Make: The Studio Recordings / The Police –– Stingeroo.
Chris Cornell / Chris Cornell –– Boxed set.
…And Justice for All / Metallica –– Din of iniquity.
Roxy Music Super Deluxe / Roxy Music –– Airy-Ferry.
The Girl From Chickasaw County: The Complete Capitol Masters / Bobbie Gentry –– Landed Gentry.
Down the Road Wherever / Mark Knopfler –– Dire traits.
12/17/18
