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EDITORIAL

The Phantom Minus

Leaves are falling, screams are rising, and the scent of artifical pumpkin flavoring is in the air. All Hallow's Eve is fast approaching and E. Basil St. Blaise has fired up the ol' VCR for his annual Blood Feast ((1963) –– Red red whine.) wherein he binges horror classics until he feels Braindead ((1992) –– Smarts.) "And then I'm ready for FOX News," he reports.

Sipping a Zombie, of the cocktail variety, our reviewer went on to explain, "Lon Chaney Sr., the Man of a Thousand Faces, gave us two of the iconic monsters of Hollywood's Silent Era, the grotesque Hunchback and the horrific Phantom. Those were my kind of leading men –– extremely threatening, but not as romantic leads. They were the kinds of suitors that made you feel good about your chances at romance. Later, one became a Disney song and shuffle man à la Nathan Lane, the other a skulking, crooning ad for Proactiv. "

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923) –– Never gets over the hump.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1939) –– Dead ringer.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1956) –– Quasidodo.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996) –– Gargoyle interrupted.
The Phantom of the Opera (1925) –– Erik addle.
The Phantom of the Opera (1943) –– Disaster aria.
The Phantom of the Opera (2004) –– Webber gruel.
The Phantom of the Paradise (1974) –– Rocky horror picture slough.

And, as a bonus, the vertically-challenged St. Blaise scales the heights and plumbs the depths of sci-fi flicks that feature terrors awfully small or terribly big.

The Devil-Doll (1936) –– Shrinking violence.
The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957) –– Mini camp.
The Incredible Shrinking Woman (1981) –– Minute maid.
Attack of the Puppet People (1958) –– Wee whackers.
Fantastic Voyage (1966) –– Micros cope.
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989) –– Teeny boppers.
Honey, I Blew Up the Kid (1992) –– Shoulda used dynamite.
War of the Colossal Beast (1958) –– Jumbo scrimp.
Attack of the the 50 Foot Woman (1958) –– Econo-large.
Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman (1993) –– Stun size.
Village of the Giants (1965) –– Mega what?

10/25/18