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Utterly Predictable
Stocking Suffers
The Phantom Minus
Slash and Burn
Breach Bum
Button Holes
Doxing Day
Ornamental Breakdown
Alabama Quakes
Hardy Horror
Booking the Cooks
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EDITORIAL

Button Holes

At what point will Donald J. Trump issue the executive order to officially change the inscription on the Great Seal of the United States from E Pluribus Unum to Magnitude Rerum? He judges reality entirely in terms of quantity over quality and the proportion that obsesses him most is that of Dong Jr. He finds metaphors for his manhood everywhere, from skyscrapers to bank accounts to missiles to men's heights to Marco Rubio's dick. Surely this phallocrat would love the precept Size Matters thus enshrined on a scroll held in the beak of a bulked-up blond, coiffed eagle with two large testicles hanging beneath the striped shield.

North Korea's Kim Jong-un bragged in his New Year's day speech that, "The entire United States is within range of our nuclear weapons, and a nucler button is always on my desk."

The President of the United States tweeted the following measured response: "North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the “Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times.” Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!"

Will the acrimonious comparison of the magnitude of their comparative mushroom clouds be the 'inauguration crowd controversy' of this year?

Update: Porn star Stormy Daniels released her memoir Full Disclosure on October 2, 2018. In it she recounts her alleged affair with Donald Trump in 2006 and helpfully describes the President's mushroom-like member. Boom.

01/03/18