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Stocking Suffers
The Phantom Minus
Slash and Burn
Breach Bum
Button Holes
Doxing Day
Ornamental Breakdown
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Hardy Horror
Booking the Cooks
WHAT NOT 2014-2016
WHAT NOT 2012-2013
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WHAT NOT 2005 2

Doxing Day

Let us set the scene as The Yuletide Trust announces its 2017 Top 12 Wishes of Christmas List just in the Saint Nick of time. It's X-msk Eve in balmy Omsk (only -15º C), and Wishfinder General Adesta Fidelis is standing at the podium in the festively festooned Rudolph Room about to deliver her remarks. Her audience is composed of her bodyguard Misha, two ham radio operators, four Yuletide Trust interns, two correspondents from the local newspaper Komsomolskaia Pravda, and a reporter from RT who wrote an insufficiently enthusiastic article about Vladimir Putin's personal depilatory engineer. Ms. Fidelis is attired in a GFK Ugly Sweater from the Ghostface Killah Collection and we are told the long-stemmed martini glass by her side is filled with pure melted Siberian snow.

With a broad, but nervous smile, the diminutive Ms. Fidelis begins, 'Welcome, one and all, to the most eagerly-awaited Celebrity List since Ranker's The Absolute Worst Actors-Turned-Musician. Every year we are one step ahead of the competition, including the NSA, in uncovering the most secret desires of the rich and famous and sharing them with the poor and anonymous –– let's hear it for our Jolly Bear cyber team! Extra bitcoins in your virtual stockings this year."

After a swig of 176 proof water she continues, "Now some of you might like me to address the elephant in the room, not the pink one doing the Cossack dance on Misha's shoulder –– and explain why it is I, not CEO Holly Ann D'Ivie, standing here at this momentous moment. First, let me dispel some fake news reports that have been circulating concerning our fine leader. A) She is not in the Boris Yeltsin Clinic "drying out". She is definitely not dried out. And #2, I shlipped her a Polonium cocktail and this is my All About Adesta moment. C'mon, you can't even get arsenic around here, for cryin' out loud."

"No," she insists after another cleansing shot, "no, the truth is she's in Washington, DC appearing before some Senate or House or Souse Committee on Russian meddling in the 2016 election. Seems like Ms. D'Ivie was alleged to be in a certain shecret meeting at Trump Tower last June translating between that fat record promoter and Don Jr. English to whatever it is he speaks. Well, that, and the accusations of money laundering here at the Trusht for that stalled Trump Siberian Resort Project."

"And yes, the escape attempt failed and Yul Tannenbaum, our original CEO, is back in Alaska's Goose Creek Correctional Center. Maybe he can tidy up a space in the cell next door for Ms. D'Ivie –- heck, they'd go at it like cats and dogs. Now you know my secret wish. And here are the next dreamy dozhen." With that Ms. F disappears behind the podium, presumably stepping down from her stool. We can still see the following list waving in her left hand, as though in surrender.

12) Kevin Spacey: Digit spinner.
11) Rose McGowan: "Hurry, cane Harvey!"
10) Kim Jong-un: Testes rocket kit.
9) Sarah Sanders Huckabee: An ounce of truth.
8) Sen. Al Franken: Double-D stress balls.
7) Roy Moore: Teen Wolf boxed set.
6) Meghan Markle: Royal prints.
5) Ivanka Trump: Tiffany watched.
4) Colin Kaepernick & Trump Cabinet: New knee pads.
3) Stephen Miller: What do you give the man who hates everything?
2) America, T minus 1122 Days: 190 proof water.
1) Santa Claus: A U.S. travel visa.Drawing © Rob Shepperson
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