Slash and Burn
FOX News is the AIP of cable stations –– a schlock outfit pumping out scary stories on the cheap that prove inexplicaby popular. American International Pictures was a production company active from 1954 through 1980 that released exploitation films of every sleazy stripe, under the aegis of cigar-chomping vulgarian Samuel Z. Arkoff (a sort of Roger Ailes, but with far more class.) They gave us classics like I Was a Teenage Frankenstein ((1957) –– A total zitshow.), The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini ((1966) –– Sun scream.), and The Thing With Two Heads ((1972) –– And half a brain.) Although FOX's demographic is decades older than AIP's horny teens, this House of Horrors has brought us far more terrifying monsters like O'Reilly, Palin, and Trump.
To celebrate FOX talent in this spooky season, E. Basil St. Blaise, our all-seeing Dr. Cyclops ((1940) –– Dedicated to the one-eye love.) of film criticism, focuses on the slasher flicks that arose in the 70s and 80s and spawned numerous damaged offspring that haunt us to this day. St. Blaise claims not to have been a fan of the gory subgenre. "Most of them are about as exciting as a lumberjack contest with all that chopping," he laments, "I usually end up sawing wood. And those poor teenagers –– getting impaled for the first time oughta' be fun. And not with a fireplace poker."
"The baddies usually have as much personality as a Cuisinart blender. Freddy Krueger changed that, but old pizza face would never shut up. I prefer my horror with a touch of classy menace and a Continental accent. Like that truly scary Sebastian Gorka on FOX. Couldn't you just see him glowering in a red-lined cape in a remake of Count Yorga, Vampire ((1970) –– Bit fit.)?"
Halloween (1978) –– Stab hunter.
Halloween II –– 6 (1981-1995) –– Cutting class.
Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998) –– Watered down.
Halloween: Resurrection (2002) –– Raises a stink.
Friday the 13th (1980) –– Boo camp.
Friday the 13th Part 2 –– Jason X (1981-2001) –– Expiration dates.
Freddy vs. Jason (2003) –– Freddy the 13th?
Friday the 13th (2009) –– Who’s axing?
A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985) –– Like Montezuma’s.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 –– 5 (1987-1989) –– Sleeping bogey.
Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991) –– Dead to rise.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) –– Creep’s up.
Childs Play (1988) –– UpChucky.
Child’s Play 2 (1990) –– Babble head doll.
Child’s Play 3 (1991) –– Gamy face.
Bride of Chucky (1998) –– Raggedy angst.
Seed of Chucky (2004) –– Daft spunk.
Curse of Chucky (DVD 2013) –– Cussin’ It.
Cult of Chucky (DVD 2017) –– Sect’s fiend.
10/23/18
