Twin Freaks
Week of 12/27/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump’s DOGE Guy Sparks MAGA Civil War With Slam on American Culture
–– Prom queens, jocks said to be 'exfuriated.'
Biden Commutes Sentences of 37 Death Row Inmates
–– Other 3, ‘Hey, c'mon!’
–– Looks like he got stuffed while in locker.
‘Willing to take that risk': Republicans want Trump to have vast control over government spending
–– The Gonzo Old Party.
‘Crazy worked just fine the first time’: Why some Republicans see Trump’s imperialist musings as an act of negotiation.
–– Fine? Were these morons alive in 2019?
Trump asks Supreme Court to pause TikTok ban, while Biden says app poses ‘grave’ threat
–– Trump counters, 'Ban causes grave threat to my payoff.'
House Ethics Panel Draft Report Accuses Matt Gaetz of Regularly Paying for Sex and Using Drugs
–– Gaetz, 'Hey, at least I paid!'
Matt Gaetz, former Trump AG pick, had sex with underage girl while in Congress, House Ethics report says
–– Easier to see why Trump chose him.
Donald Trump Comes To Matt Gaetz’s Defense, Says Ethics Report ‘Very Unfair’
–– Stating facts ‘simply not done.’
Matt Gaetz sends fundraising message after bombshell House Ethics report: ‘I need your help’
–– Can barely afford hand job.
Another MAGA Rep Calls on Congress to Release ‘Sexual Slush Fund’ Claims List
–– Gaetz had Slushie fund to pay for dates’ icy flavored drinks.
John Bolton warns: I’m ‘very worried’ about how Trump would handle ‘much more likely’ international crisis
–– Pin on your Bolton bored.
Trump border chief: US-born children of undocumented immigrants "going to be put in a halfway house"
–– Which is 3/4 way to internment camps.
Jeffries on Johnson’s future as Speaker: ‘There will be no Democrats available to save him’
–– He can take that to House.
Trump says he hasn't "ceded the presidency" to Elon Musk
–– Who’s seeding presidency with even more crazy.
Scaramucci advises Musk to ‘stick to business’ because ‘these people can hurt you’
–– We wish.
Elon Musk says America will be ‘toast’ and US dollar will be worth ‘nothing’ without fast action — what he means
–– We’re deciphering pure gibberish now?
Elon Musk's 'Ozempic Santa' post turns heads, clashes with RFK Jr.'s stance
–– He seems to be injecting directly in brain.
Trump says Katie Miller, wife of Stephen Miller, will join DOGE
–– Trump won’t choose anyone not in eyeshot.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Wants to Ban Drug Ads on TV. It Wouldn’t Be Easy.
–– Is this just plan to put network news out of business?
'We're going to advertise how bad drugs are for you': Trump vows to launch anti-drug campaign
–– By running Musk out in front of cameras.
Trump Says He Will ‘Stop the Transgender Lunacy’ His First Day in Office | Video
–– To make more room for his own?
Trump says US owning Greenland ‘absolute necessity’
–– Where to file? ‘Standard insanity’? ‘More bullshit’? ‘Other hallucinations’?
Trump’s Wish to Control Greenland and Panama Canal: Not a Joke This Time
–– This time Mexico really will pay for it.
Fox News’s Kilmeade estimates Greenland could cost $1.5 trillion
–– In cold cash.
Former D.C. police intel chief found guilty of tipping off Proud Boys leader ahead of Jan. 6 attack
–– Intel inside.
Trump’s faith journey mirrors America turning to God in challenging times, Cardinal Dolan says
–– As he turns every crucifix in St. Pat’s upside down, scrawls giant pentagram on floor.
Trump blasts Biden's federal death row commutations: "Makes no sense"
–– From Mr. Sensible.
Trump tells 37 people with sentences commuted by Biden to ‘go to hell’ in lengthy Christmas post
–– And visit him?
Will Trump Cut Short the Biden Clean-Energy Boom? Investors Are Nervous.
–– Will it cost property, lives? Sure.
Biden administration withdraws student loan forgiveness plans. What borrowers should know
–– They're screwed.
Biden signs 50 bills into law on Christmas Eve - including legislation supported by Paris Hilton
–– And one suggested by Scranton Holiday Inn.
Claire McCaskill: The only person who decides what Kamala Harris does next is Kamala Harris
–– Pray she’s referring to her dinner plans.
Ocasio-Cortez faces uncertain political future
–– Runs AOC/DOC?
Dear Democrats: I survived the Biden administration. You'll survive Trump. | Opinion
–– Sure, Biden=Trump. Perfect sense.
Joe Rogan Says He Doesn’t Expect ‘Cagey’ Trump To Drop Government UFO Secrets After Drone Sightings
–– As in ‘belongs in a cage.’
Mexico tests cellphone app allowing migrants to send alert if they are about to be detained in US
–– While placing taco order from Doordash.
Finland boards oil tanker suspected of causing internet, power cable outages
–– Captain. 'But is not cord-cutting all the rage?'
Asma al-Assad’s Family Responds to Reports She Is Divorcing Deposed Dictator Hubby
–– Insist, ‘How dare you! He didn’t pay Putin all his drug money.’
More than 100 of North Korea's elite 'Storm' troops are dead and 1,000 more wounded from their first battles for Russia: South Korean intel
–– They high-stepped beautifully to demise.
North Korean soldier captured by Ukraine as it says Russia is trying to hide Pyongyang's losses
–– Insists dying in Ukraine winter like dog still better than celebrating Kim birthday at home.
Putin ‘inhumane,’ Zelensky says, as Russia pounds Ukrainian power grid on Christmas Day
–– Tries to Krampus style.
Putin apologizes to Azerbaijan’s leader after ‘tragic’ airline crash
–– 'We are sorry if you are feeling dead in any way, but shit, it is happening.'
Mark Cuban Admits: 'I've Gotten Beat' After Losing $20 Million On Shark Tank Startups
–– Shark tanked.
Sean Hannity Proposes to Fellow Fox News Host Ainsley Earhardt on Christmas Week
–– Jesus wept.
Seth Meyers Jokes Trump Only Wants US Statehood for Canada Because of Their ‘Abundant Natural Supply of White People’ | Video
–– Don't tell him about poutine or he might invade on first day.
Denzel Washington becomes a minister as Hollywood actor admits you 'can't talk' about religion in industry
–– In Equalizer 4 he'll baptize thug, then drown.
Timothée Chalamet says his ‘greatest hope’ for ‘A Complete Unknown’ is that younger generations discover Bob Dylan
–– By awarding him Oscar nod.
Willem Dafoe says it was 'very special' working alongside 2,000 trained rats in 'Nosferatu': 'They were excellent co-stars'
–– Though 'hell on craft services.'
Nicholas Hoult Has Bill Skarsgard’s Prosthetic Penis From ‘Nosferatu’ “Framed at Home”
–– Often mistaken for wooden stake.
Disney Plus' new Spider-Man show is no longer canon in the MCU because it was "not fun" to put limitations on its story
–– And writers too lazy to read comic books.
Adam McKay says he 'wouldn't be surprised' if “Wicked” is 'banned in 3-5 years'
–– No way Hollywood develops any taste by then.
Francis Ford Coppola Slams ‘Absurd’ Idea Trump Would ‘Reverse Course’ on Vaccines, Recalls ‘Horror’ of 10-Day Polio Ward Stay
–– A polio lapse now?
Jennifer Grey Recalls 'Smoking a Lot of Weed' Before Sex Scene with a Drunk Patrick Swayze in “Red Dawn”
–– Same way scriptwriters got through final draft.
I tried Matthew McConaughey’s viral tuna salad. It was more than just ‘alright, alright, alright’
–– Did catch virus, spent two days in bathroom.
Blake Lively Sues “It Ends with Us ”Costar Justin Baldoni for Sexual Harassment, Claims He Caused Her 'Severe Emotional Distress'
–– This week in the Lively arse.
Jay-Z’s Accuser Can Remain Anonymous, Judge Criticizes His Lawyer’s ‘Relentless’ Filings
–– Fueled by 'endless' billable hours.
Sony Pictures CEO Says ‘Madame Web’ Flopped ‘Because the Press Crucified It’: Our Marvel Movies ‘Are Not Terrible Films. They Were Destroyed by Critics’
–– Just 'crummy'? 'half-assed'? 'lousy'?
Christopher Nolan’s Next Movie Revealed as ‘The Odyssey’
–– Guaranteed to be arduous trek for viewer.
Chris Hemsworth Just Won A Villain Of The Year Award. I Had No Idea That Was A Thing, But I Love This For Him
–– In what deserved ‘Only Decent Film of the Year’ award.
Keanu Reeves Says 'My Heart' Wants 'John Wick 5' but 'I Don't Know if My Knees Can Do It': Right Now They're Saying 'I Can't Do Another'
–– Can talk and act better than him.
A 67-year-old woman now lives in her car after losing thousands to a romance scammer pretending to be Keanu Reeves
–– A carjacker convinced her he was Keanu Reeves from Speed, stole vehicle.
Princess Charlotte Broke Royal Protocol at Sandringham Christmas Walk in the Sneakiest Way
–– Peed in bushes.
'Home Alone' Director Chris Columbus Says This Iconic Scene Was a 'Complete Accident' — and 'All' Macaulay Culkin's Idea
–– Whole movie seemed to be written by 9-year-old.
Original ‘Christmas Vacation’ Director Quit Because ‘I Couldn’t Work With’ Chevy Chase: ‘He’s Not Engaged. He’s Treating Me Like S—. I Don’t Need This’
–– If he'd been engaged he could've accepted rejection.
Xmas Eve at the ‘A Christmas Story’ House Will Cost You $2,495 (Plus $10 for the Bunny Suit)
–– Yeah, you, idiot with too much money, creepy Peter Billingsley fetish.
Multiple drones fall from sky during downtown Orlando's Holiday Drone Show
–– One had red nose.
23 New Year's Eve Appetizers That Will Get the Party Started
–– 1) Meth poppers.
Lying down and vomiting between courses: This is how Ancient Romans would feast
–– Tradition carried on by Sbarro, Olive Garden, Pizza Hut.
10 Facts You Didn't Know About Burger King's Whopper
–– 3) Originally inteneded as slur against Italian inventor.
No, the Waiter Is Not Ignoring You — Here's What's Actually Happening
–– He's serving non-cheapskates who won't stiff him.
You Should Read 'Kitchen Confidential' To Your Kids
–– If you'd like to inspire drug-fueled career in miserable workplaces.
Why Are So Many Christians So Cruel?
–– Learned it from lions.
When My Husband Died Suddenly, One Of His Family Members Said 5 Words That Taunted Me For Years
–– ‘He willed house to girlfriend.’
Is Everyone High?
–– It’s almost only explanation.
Why Some Brains Don’t Rot and Other Wild Things We Learned about the Human Body in 2024
–– Not subjected to dreck like this.
How Drone Fever Spread Across New Jersey and Beyond
–– So many susceptible tiny minds.
Woman climbs onto wing of Alaska Airlines plane at Seattle airport due to 'anxiety'
–– Where things are way more relaxed.
When a Barndominium Won’t Do, Try a Shouse
–– Or a slut?
This Is How French Women Make Their Perfume Last All Day Long
–– Apply with 700w spray gun.
Brazil’s iconic Christ the Redeemer statue is caught in a battle between church and state
–– Each have arm in tug 'o Lord.
Luigi Mangione's terror case: Was the suspected UnitedHealthcare CEO assassin 'overcharged'?
–– With electrodes attached to nuts?
Luigi Mangione's Christmas Behind Bars: A Meal of Cornish Hen and Sleeping on a 2-Inch Mattress (Exclusive)
–– Did Santa bring pack of menthols?
Luigi Mangione Isn’t Solely Responsible For UnitedHealthcare CEO’s Death, Poll Respondents Claim
–– Had accomplice in scrambled brains?
What to know about the death of a woman who was set on fire in a New York City subway train
–– Stop right there.
Man accused of fatally setting New York City subway rider on fire says he doesn't recall incident
–– We’re desperately trying to forget.
US sex-abuse watchdog fires investigator after learning of his arrest for stealing drug money
–– Insists he was going to give to molested.
Poop and vomit reveals how dinosaurs got so big
–– Then we'd rather not know.
20 Big Cats Die From Bird Flu at a Washington Sanctuary
–– Tweety's revenge.
Primate brains have evolved to rapidly detect snakes
–– Newsss flash.
How maggots are able to help solve crimes
–– Ratiocination.
Scientists make troubling discovery while researching alligators in the Florida Everglades: 'We need to get ready'
–– ‘Them critters is armed!’
This household item is so toxic it could kill your pet with just one lick: 'I had no idea'
–– Your greasy comb.
Raging Waves Batter California’s Coast and Its Beloved Piers
–– Quay pasa?
Climate takes its toll on the ‘cherry capital of the world’
–– Pitty.
Big Oil backtracks on renewables push as climate agenda falters
–– If you can't trust Big Oil to save planet…
The next volcanic eruption is coming. It will cause chaos the world is not prepared for
–– Are forecasters just venting steam?
Richard Perry, Record Producer Behind ‘You’re So Vain’ and Other Hits, Dies at 82
–– All is vanity.
Richard Parsons, Former Time Warner Chairman, Dies at 76
–– Time warns yer.
Burt, Reptilian Star of ‘Crocodile Dundee,’ Dies at More Than 90 Years Old
–– Still looked better than reptilian co-star.
Olivia Hussey, 'Romeo and Juliet' and 'Black Christmas' Star, Dies at 73
–– Star-crossed off.
Dayle Haddon, Model and Actress, Dies at 76 in Suspected Carbon Monoxide Leak
–– Haddon ‘nuff.
Rickey Henderson, baseball Hall of Famer and MLB stolen base king, dies at 65
–– Swiped out.
