Jack of All Traitors
Week of 10/04/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Judge unseals new evidence against Trump in the Jan. 6 election interference case
–– Guilt tripled.
What to expect from the only VP debate between Vance, Walz
–– Debatable value.
Trump campaign sets expectations for Vance debate against ‘wily political veteran’ Walz
–– Vs. 'seasoned literary fabulist.'
Trump’s Idiot Son Feels “Totally Vindicated” Over J.D. Vance Pick
–– Which one?
Fact check: Vance’s promise to cover people with preexisting conditions
–– With goo.
Influential prophesizing pastors believe reelecting Trump is a win in the war of angels and demons
–– Don't they mean a-holes?
’Trump Is a Scab’: Harris Campaign Fumes Over Trump’s Wild Anti-Overtime Rant
–– America his wound.
Trump Says ‘One Really Violent Day’ Would End Property Crime
–– Or his campaign.
Whoopi Goldberg censored on “The View” over reaction to Donald Trump’s 'unhinged' speech advocating for police violence
–– Cops: a feel.
Elon Musk: Voting for Trump ‘only way’ to ‘save’ democracy
–– Smoking e-doobie size of couch.
Flake: Many conservative Republicans ‘just can’t support a candidate like’ Trump
–– Many but not enough.
Trump escalates attacks on Harris' mental fitness and suggests she should be prosecuted
–– For not being Joe Biden.
Trump Pushes Hurricane Helene Lie Even After Republicans Debunk Him
–– Debunker mentality.
Donald Trump’s Absolutely Baffling Claim About ‘Phone Apps’ Raises New Questions
–– And apprehension in Silicon Valley.
Rudy Giuliani’s daughter says she ‘lost her dad’ to Trump and begs people to vote for Harris
–– As you would to fatal disease.
She escaped the religious sect she grew up in. Now she says Trump’s MAGA movement is eerily similar
–– January Sixth-Day Adventists.
Zachary Levi Endorses Donald Trump After Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Suspends Campaign: ‘We Are Going to Take Back This Country’ and ‘Make It Great Again
–– Zasham!
RFK Jr’s endorsement of Trump moved the needle more than Taylor Swift backing Harris, top pollster says
–– Lot of crazies still on fence?
Michael Moore: Only ‘landslide’ loss will guarantee Trump’s ‘permanent removal from the public eye’
–– C’mon, we’d take single additional vote in swing state, be happy.
Helene hit Trump strongholds in Georgia and North Carolina. It could swing the election.
–– There are your landslides.
‘Do they think we’re stupid?’: Melania Trump backs abortion rights just before election
–– Who thinks they don’t?
Trump’s Response to Melania’s Abortion Claim Sparks Outrage
–– Has choice words?
JD Vance praises Marjorie Taylor Greene hours after she suggested Hurricane Helene was man-made
–– Calls her explanantion involving Jewish space lasers, 'brave.'
Clinton warns of October surprise that will ‘distort and pervert’ Harris
–– Deepfake cheesecake?
Doug Emhoff Responds To Report That He Forcefully Slapped Ex-Girlfriend In 2012
–– Got too handsy?
The Biden administration isn't extending a two-year program for migrants from 4 nations
–– After considering four-year from 8 nation, five-year from 10 nation, and even one-year from 12 nation alternatives.
Hochul told Adams to clean house in private call but has not asked him to resign
–– He called Turkish cleaning service to scrub records.
Florida congressional candidate charged with threatening to kill primary opponent
–– In most bipartisan way possible.
4 voters charged with intentionally voting twice in Michigan primary election
–– They plead ambidexterity.
Georgia judge rejects lawsuit from GOP officials raising concerns about voting machines
–– And fear they might ally with Daleks, conquer our planet.
GOP hopeful sends debate off the rails when he says military needs ‘alpha’ recruits who will ‘eat their own guts’
–– Which might make it hard for army to travel on stomachs.
US Supreme Court to decide if white, straight workers face higher bar in bias lawsuits
–– Assuming gay African-Americans can jump higher?
Mark Kelly: IDF sent ‘powerful message’ to Hezbollah with death of leader
–– It read, ‘Die, motherf**ckers.’
Netanyahu in poll rebound after Hezbollah attacks
–– Proving old political adage: 'Might makes rightwing.'
Boris Johnson: Netanyahu may have bugged my bathroom
–– Or you might just have crabs.
Hezbollah has not committed violence, Lebanese ambassador tells BBC
–– While bombs were landing on heads.
Trump slams Biden for saying Israel shouldn’t target Iranian nuclear sites: ‘The craziest thing I’ve ever heard’
–– ‘And I’ve been listening to voices in my head for seven decades.’
Iran's massive missile strike on Israel is just a fraction of what China could do
–– And don’t get us started on the Borg.
Thousands of Jewish pilgrims come to Ukraine for Rosh Hashana despite official warnings
–– Wanted someplace nice, safe with all the bombing back home.
Xi vows ‘reunification’ with Taiwan on eve of Communist China’s 75th birthday
–– In latest slang for rape.
A North Korean defector who struggled in South Korea stole a bus and tried to drive across the border, police say
–– Collecting fares en route!
Mexico’s first female president promises ‘no return to drug war’
–– But only because she wants to live.
Supreme Court will weigh Mexico's $10 billion lawsuit against U.S. gun makers
–– Thomas, Alito respond with blank stares.
Executive resigns at Trump Media, Truth Social’s parent company
–– Will return to job as caddie at Trump International golf club.
Frankie Valli Speaks Out Amid Fan Concern and Elder Abuse Worry: Nobody Is ‘Forcing Me to Go on Stage’ and ‘I Plan to Be Doing Shows as Long as I Can’
–– Abuse concerns are for audiences.
Cardi B Reveals She Got Another Round of Butt Injections Removed in January
–– How long were needles in there?
Have We Reached Ryan Murphy Overload?
–– We hit wall with Popular.
Viewers Gawk at ‘Megalopolis’ as a ‘Near Perfect Stylistic and Tonal Fusion’ of ‘Citizen Kane’ and Star Wars’ ‘Revenge of the Sith’
–– Offer gawkward analogies.
Aubrey Plaza Explains the ‘Madness’ of Filming ‘Megalopolis’: ‘My Mentality Every Day Was Every Man for Himself’
–– Went mano a manic with director.
Sgt. Slaughter Turned Down Role In New Kevin Smith Movie Because He ‘Can’t Act’
–– Alright because Smith can’t direct.
‘Men in Black’ Director Says ‘Will Smith Is a Farter’: One Fart Was So Bad ‘We Evacuated the Stage for About Three Hours. And That’s Incredible’
–– GI Jay.
'Joker: Folie à Deux' review: A middle finger to fans of Lady Gaga, the DC movies, and musicals
–– The Joaquin dead.
Angelina Jolie fuels speculation of relationship with Corbynista rapper
–– Didn’t realize anti-semitic Labour MP inspired hip hop subgenre.
Daniel Day-Lewis ends acting retirement for a movie directed by his son
–– Nepo police issue APB.
Ricky Gervais Approved ‘The Office’ Australia Having a Female Lead, Star Felicity Ward Says: ‘Just in Case Anyone Is Angry’
–– OKed switch Down Under.
Pink Floyd’s David Gilmour Will ‘Absolutely Not’ Perform With Roger Waters: I ‘Steer Clear’ of Those Who ‘Support Genocidal and Autocratic Dictators’
–– Words we're longing to hear from MAGA voter.
’Apartment 7A’ Director Natalie Erika James on the Challenges of Making a ‘Rosemary’s Baby’ Prequel
–– That utterly defeated her.
TV Ratings: ‘SNL’ Hits Four-Year Premiere High With Season 50 Opener
–– Hearkens back to golden age of 45th season.
Nate Bargatze Thinks Kenan Thompson Has Been on ‘SNL’ for 50 Years in New Promo
–– Which is unfair to all unfunny hacks who proceeded him.
‘SNL’ Star Michael Che Is Prepping a Late Night Show
–– Hope you're sitting down because he will be.
–– Sheer volume of scum in show biz.
Diddy Accuser’s Attorney Says “High-Profile” Person Seen With Mogul in Pornographic Video
–– You can just make out ass.
Sean “Diddy” Combs to Face Lawsuits From 120 Additional Accusers
–– Were asked 'Who's your Diddy?'
Mark Zuckerberg Reveals Daughter August, 6, Wrote Her Own Book — and They Used AI to Illustrate It: 'Proud Dad'
–– Will get Metaverse chip implanted in brain for 7th birthday.
‘Today there is crying in baseball’: Athletics bid farewell to Oakland with one final victory
–– It's mostly from foul stink of 69-93 losers.
Green Day Banned from Two Las Vegas Radio Stations After Billie Joe Armstrong Calls City “Worst Shithole in America”
–– Town wants credit for whole Western Hemisphere.
Boris Becker marries again but only invites half of his children to the wedding
–– From waist down.
New Mom Says She Won't Discuss Baby's Name with Family Because They 'Don't Think It's a Real Name'
–– %XR& (explode firework in air) is little hard to pronounce.
Little boy's feet barely touch the ground as he races to see Grandma at the airport
–– Was pumped full of helium by parents as joke.
Nitrous, one of the oldest mind-altering drugs, is back
–– Whippet good?
The Truth About Lithium Might Never Come Out
–– Makes a mood point.
Red Lobster’s new CEO said the seafood chain’s endless shrimp offering caused an all-you-can-eat chaos
–– And all-you-can-egest backlash.
The Cottage Cheese Brand We'll Always Put In Our Shopping Carts
–– And not pay for.
Trump surprises Florida restaurant owner struggling to stay open, encourages guests to 'keep it going'
–– In lieu of tip.
An airline flagged my oversized carryon bag — but young, hot passengers with the same luggage were let on
–– And theirs was full of carrion.
Massive port strike begins across America’s East Coast, threatening shortages and rising prices
–– Failing Bidenomics and Krazy Kamala caused this…
Biden will 'wreck' US economy by failing to intervene in dockworkers' port strike, GOP leader warns
–– … See what we mean? Old Joe probably doesn't know it's even happening and Kooky Kamala is probably laughing and…
How Biden helped end a port strike that threatened Democrats in November
–– … Settled in a day? Better lade than never.
A US bomb from World War II explodes at a Japanese airport, causing a large crater in a taxiway
–– No ‘Blast From Past’?
South Jersey EMT dies after finishing his 12-hour shift: 'Big shoes to fill'
–– That’s what killed him?
The Surprising Reason Why the Menendez Brothers Went on a $700K Shopping Spree After Murdering Their Parents
–– You ever here phrase 'mad money'?
Indiana man sentenced for neglect after rat attack on his infant son
–– Should’ve provided rodent with bite-sized snacks.
Black bear found dead on highway next to platter of pancakes
–– He'd just cooked.
Can wombats kill with their butts? We found the hard truth.
–– In this final report from our bestiality reporter.
Geckos have a ‘sixth sense’
–– For inflated insurance rates.
Do insects have brains?
–– No, don’t be ridiculous…
Scientists Unveil the First-Ever Complete Map of an Adult Fruit Fly's Brain, Captured in Stunning Detail
–– … um, ‘Help me!’
Black-colored plastic used for kitchen utensils and toys linked to banned toxic flame retardants
–– Fork give and forget.
Aerial footage shows Asheville, North Carolina before and after Helene's devastation
–– Kicked Asheville.
Factory workers in Tennessee were swept away by Helene. Their families say they weren’t allowed to leave work in time to flee
–– Should’ve been docked.
An Alarming New Trend in Hurricane Deaths
–– Plaid ponchos.
Politicians flying less or cutting out meat is ‘missing link’ in climate action
–– Claims this Neanderthal.
Jimmy Carter turns 100, and his hometown is ringing in the milestone
–– Plains and fancy.
The 10 Longest-Living Presidents in U.S. History, from Jimmy Carter to Joe Biden
–– Biden: 'Hey howzabout Trump at 11?'
Donald Trump Takes Aim at Jimmy Carter on His Milestone 100th Birthday
–– Threatens to push around gurney.
Jimmy Carter ‘can’t even talk on the phone,’ grandson says in heartbreaking birthday update on president’s health
–– Neither can Trump unless for bribe.
Popular TV Host Announces Her Own Death at 67 in Moving Social Media Post: ‘See You Again on the Other Side’
–– We ghosted her.
Frank Fritz, ‘American Pickers’ Co-Host, Dies at 60
–– Picked off.
John Ashton, ‘Beverly Hills Cop’ Actor, Dies at 76
–– Eternal arrest.
Pete Rose, baseball’s controversial all-time hits leader, dies at 83
–– Hustled out.
Stephen A. Smith sounds off after Pete Rose death: 'Murderers have been let off quicker'
–– Wanna bet?
John Amos, ‘Good Times’ Dad and ‘Roots’ Actor, Dies at 84
–– Good tombs.
Kris Kristofferson, Country Music Legend and ‘A Star Is Born’ Leading Man, Dies at 88
–– Kris crinkled.
Sinéad O’Connor Was Booed Offstage. Kris Kristofferson Came to Her Defense
–– That’s career highlight?
