Armored Card
Week of 10/11/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump asks for military aircraft protection amid Iran threat, reports say
–– Biden administration offers WWI biplane.
The Many Meanings of Kamala Harris’s Glock
–– Bang on analysis.
Trump ends speculation on another debate: ‘There will be no rematch’
–– First one was no match.
Harris says it’s ‘not the 1950s anymore’ in dismissing criticism over not having biological children
–– Trump: ‘It’s sad, I miss kneeing girls on playground.’
Dress Codes: How the pussy-bow blouse became a political staple for Kamala Harris and other powerful women
–– Because it … naw, better not.
Kamala Harris Tells ‘Call Her Daddy’ That Trump Won’t Be Women’s ‘Protector’: ‘Same Guy’ Said ‘Women Should Be Punished’ for Abortions | Video
–– After being pelted by host’s powder puffs.
Kamala Harris Helped Save Teamsters’ Pensions. She Still Couldn’t Get Their Endorsement.
–– Not because she’s ‘black chick.’
In Michigan, Harris doesn't get hoped-for firefighters endorsement amid shifting labor loyalties
–– See above.
White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre promoted to senior adviser: Exclusive
–– Opposite of above.
Black Men Are Waiting for a Democratic Party That Delivers for Them
–– Any other excuses for not voting, electing actual racist?
Barack Obama Laughs at Trump Adult-Diaper Joke as Trump Proves He’s a 78-Year-Old Baby
–– Took dada dump.
‘Joy’ Is Working for Harris, but Can It Close the Deal?
–– Against Killjoy?
Stephen King calls out ‘old man’ Trump for refusing to release medical records: ‘Past his sell-by-date’
–– You can pick up sour smell from here.
Trump allies threaten Deloitte contracts after employee leaks Vance comments
–– How simply Deloitteful.
Elon Musk Leaps to Trump’s Side in Rally Appearance
–– Provides X-lax factor.
Elon Musk Joins Trump Rally, Claims Harris Winning Would Make This ‘the Last Election’: ‘I’m Dark MAGA’ | Video
–– Isn’t that more ‘dim’?
Cornel West campaign to appeal judge's decision barring him from Pennsylvania ballot
–– Inexplicably hoping to bleed whatever votes he can from Harris in deadlocked state.
Adams’s Top Deputy Mayor Resigns, Intensifying Wave of Departures
–– What happens with sinking shit.
After ‘Gays Against Groomers’ stunt, Colorado halts honorary flag program
–– Furled again!
Majority of Supreme Court Appears Receptive to Biden Administration Limits on ‘Ghost Guns’
–– Prefer solid guns that can really kill.
Clinton Defense chief says Netanyahu ‘does not have any confidence’ with Biden
–– Who would raging bull trust?
Mossad’s pager operation: Inside Israel’s penetration of Hezbollah
–– Beep, still my beating heart.
Hezbollah members were likely holding pagers with both hands when they exploded due to a dark feature: report
–– All thumbs.
Iran’s Secret Warning to U.S. Allies: Don’t Help Israel, or You’re Next
–– We’ll get our surrogates to bleed all over your territory.
CBS Jewish anchor reprimanded for Harsh Ta-Nehisi Coates interview; DEI consultant brought in
–– Network sugar Coates.
Shari Redstone says CBS leaders made ‘bad mistake’ with handling of Ta-Nehisi Coates interview fallout
–– She expects news execs to defend, like, news?!
Paramount Co-CEO Pledges “Reflection” About Standards Following CBS’ Ta-Nehisi Coates Interview
–– Spreads Cheeks.
The Russian arms dealer who was exchanged for Brittney Griner is trying to sell weapons to the Houthis: report
–– Slam dunk sale.
Trump secretly sent covid tests to Putin during 2020 shortage, new book says
–– With box of chocolates, mushy valentine.
Trump ‘asked Putin for advice’ about whether the US should help arm Ukraine
–– Tyrant expects Under Secretary of State post in second administration.
Saudi Arabia loses bid for a seat on UN's premier human rights body
–– Couldn't hack it.
Self-described Nazi becomes first in Australian state of Victoria to be convicted over Nazi salute
–– Vows, ‘Heil be back.’
Mexican mayor ‘decapitated’ by drug gangs six days into job
–– Got a head of himself.
Johnny Depp's New Teeth Are Apparently Part Of A Big Overall Change The Actor Wants To Make For His Health And Career
–– Reputation still bites.
With ‘Megalopolis,’ the Flop Era Returns to Cinemas
–– In sequel Son of Flopper.
Francis Ford Coppola Praises Todd Phillips as ‘Joker: Folie à Deux’ Flails: “He’s Always One Step Ahead of the Audience”
–– Looking back, flipping bird.
Inside the ‘Joker: Folie à Deux’ Debacle: Todd Phillips ‘Wanted Nothing to Do’ With DC on the $200 Million Misfire
–– Now they feel same way.
“Joker: Folie à Deux” Makes History as First Comic Book Movie to Earn a D CinemaScore as It Flops at Box Office
–– D as in deux-deux.
‘She-Ra’ Live-Action Amazon Series Taps ‘What the Constitution Means to Me’ Creator Heidi Schreck to Write (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Taps AI version of Hemingway for next He-Man.
Chris Nolan's Next Film After Oppenheimer Revealed
–– After Oppenheimer isn’t greatest title for sequel.
‘Alien: Romulus’ Sets Date for Digital and Physical Releases
–– You should avoid xenomorph’s physical release.
Andrew Garfield Says He And Florence Pugh Awkwardly Went "Further" Than They "Meant To" For A Sex Scene Because They Didn't Hear "Cut"
–– Did not include vasectomy.
Melissa Gilbert slams 'appalling' “Little House on the Prairie” reunion events: 'A shocking affront to the fans'
–– Were in big house, in town!
Kristen Bell accidentally lit her trash can on fire by throwing away a burning match
–– Wait, say that again. She what? No way! Her trash can? Get outta here…
Selena Gomez 'shines' in new Oscar-tipped musical
–– No AC on set?
Kevin Smith and Wife Have 'No Rules' in Marriage: 'Probably Why It's Worked So Well for 25 Years' (Exclusive)
–– Not even about stupid backwards caps?
Sex Pistols' Johnny Rotten Reason Glen Matlock Quit Band
–– Uncocked.
Sum 41’s Deryck Whibley accuses ex-manager Greig Nori of grooming, sexual abuse in new memoir: The allegations and Nori’s response
–– Claims he forced him to misspell own name.
Prince William Asked Bourne Director Paul Greengrass to ‘Please’ Make Another Jason Bourne Movie; He Laughed It Off: ‘They Need Somebody Younger’
–– Green Greengrass not home.
Jelly Roll, American Greetings Launch Inspirational ‘Creatacard’ Collection
–– Congrats on a Successful Rehab!, Sorry About Your Diet, Well I Love Your Tats.
Drake Appears on the Cover of Fly Fishing Magazine ‘The Drake’
–– Eating Drake’s Cake!
NYFF: Holocaust-Studies Dramedy ‘A Real Pain’ Debuts With a Giant Digital Jesse Eisenberg
–– Which is like whiny nerd x 10.
Riley Keough on Being at Graceland with Lisa Marie Presley While Tourists Were There: We'd 'Stay Upstairs and Wait'
–– For drugs to kick in.
Why Lisa Marie Presley Kept Her Son's Body on Dry Ice After His Death
–– Freezer ice machine broken.
Lisa Marie Presley Shares Michael Jackson Was a Virgin at 35 in Memoir
–– Underage sex didn’t count.
Charlamagane Tha God Believes Michael Jackson Was Conspired Against For Having “Too Much Power”
–– Over little boys?
Sean “Diddy” Combs’ Mother Defends Music Mogul Amid Sex Crime Allegations: “My Son Is Not the Monster They Have Painted Him to Be”
–– “He’s different monster.”
Chelsea Handler to Host 2025 Critics Choice Awards; Ceremony to Air on E!
–– Next on list was ex-boyfriend Jo Koy.
Salma Hayek Showed Off Her "White Hair" While Wearing an Itty-Bitty Yellow Bikini
–– Oh, down there?
Maura Tierney Just Joined “Law & Order” — but Did You Know She Guest-Starred on the Show in 1991?
–– Then you must be her agent.
Saoirse Ronan Says It Was ‘Sad’ but ‘Valid’ When Ryan Gosling Got Fired From ‘Lovely Bones’ After 60-Pound Weight Gain: ‘It’s Not Personal’
–– Wasn’t plump role.
‘Saturday Night’: Cory Michael Smith Recalls J.K. Simmons’ Prosthetic Penis Mishap: ‘It Fell Out and Slapped the Floor’
–– Appearing as Uncle Milkie.
Dan Aykroyd Calls ‘Saturday Night’ Movie a “Stand-Alone Masterpiece”
–– Opinion upon which he stands alone.
Keanu Reeves makes professional auto racing debut at Indianapolis Motor Speedway
–– Car explodes when it slows to 49 mph.
Snoop Dogg Felt 'Infatuated' with Sting as They Worked Together on the Rapper's Upcoming “Missionary ”Album
–– Position he wanted to take with him.
Alicia Silverstone to Star in Mystery Drama ‘Irish Blood’ at Acorn TV
–– Seems appropriately nutty for Acorn.
Al Pacino Reveals He “Didn’t Have a Pulse” During Near-Death Experience Due to COVID-19
–– Like in every movie role after Donnie Brasco.
Allen Media Group Undergoes More Layoffs, Says It’s A Continuation Of Spring Cuts
–– Allen wrenched.
King Charles “Trembled” and “Shrieked” When He Saw This Everyday Kitchen Staple
–– Mugs you pour hot liquid in to reveal nude Camilla.
Jack Nicholson, Spike Lee and Billy Crystal set to become basketball Hall of Famers as superfans
–– Cited for traveling… to arena.
Dodgers fans throw stuff at Padres, Jurickson Profar, who earlier in game taunted them after robbing Mookie Betts of a HR
–– If you Profar, all Betts off.
Major McDonald's french fry supplier closes plant in Washington, slashes jobs as inflation continues
–– Super seizes.
McDonald's CEO shares prediction that 2025 will be 'another challenging year'
–– Speaking digestively.
Mountain Dew is putting the mountain back in its logo
–– And goat piss back in recipe.
The Waffle Dish You Should Never Order At Waffle House
–– One made while Gobber's on iron.
Statement Dressing Is Back
–– For Thanksgiving?
Who Gets to Be a Daddy?
–– Where son don't shine?
The Great Wealth Transfer Is Here, But Millennials Are Also Stuck with The 'Great Stuff Transfer'
–– Faulty DNA.
Tesla’s value drops $60bn after investors fail to hail self-driving ‘Cybercab’
–– Farely obvious.
Google Faces Painful Reckoning as Antitrust Crackdown Revs Up
–– Execs seen googling ‘ass-kicking.’
Qantas apologizes for showing movie with nudity and sexts to whole flight
–– Roo the day.
Pilot dies aboard Turkish Airlines flight, forcing emergency landing in New York
–– God not his co-pilot.
Opinion Feel guilty about your Tesla? Go (a little) easy on yourself.
–– Run over self only once.
Alcoholism charity executive caught drink driving and hiding from police in bush
–– Charged with Driving Under Brush.
Deadly shooting outside Wawa in Delaware County sparked by argument: police
–– Over which hoagie tasted most like cardboard.
Decorated off-duty Atlanta officer allegedly breaks into neighbor's house, is killed when homeowner opens fire
–– Causing festive feather headdress to fall off.
Human foot found on Everest may hold key to one of mountaineering’s greatest mysteries
–– Between toes!
Building blocks of life on Earth originate from a relatively small amount of source material
–– Available at bodega in Bronx.
These lions devoured 28 humans, wildebeest, and more in 1898
–– Breaking news!
More than 100 raccoons besiege house of woman who had been feeding them
–– Was it McGarbage sign out front?
What are the most dangerous snakes in Australia? Discover the country's top venomous serpents
–– On Road Scholar’s Pretty Poison Reptiles tour.
The Flying Snake Doesn't Fly So Much as Fall With Style
–– Like Ian McKellen.
Discovery in Tiny Worm Leads to Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine for 2 Scientists
–– Awarded to one or other.
Hurricane Milton Made a Terrible Prediction Come True
–– Wussiness of name not indicator of severity.
False claims about the federal response to Helene are an ominous sign for the coming election
–– Afraid of more hot air?
Biden warns hurricane-relief funding needed soon as he calls on Congress to ‘step up’
–– Budgetary blowout.
Alligators Displaced by Milton Are Turning Up in Unexpected Places
–– Your bedroom!
In a Florida Town Ravaged by Storms, Homeowners All Want to Sell
–– Seeking buyers recently awakened from years-long comas.
Food reaches homes in flood-ravaged North Carolina by foot, horse and ATV
–– Foot-longs, horse burgers, roadkill.
Helene ravaged North Carolina’s mountains. Its citizens are hollering back.
–– Girls not so much.
Kevin Costner Releases New Song to Benefit Hurricane Victims and Provide 'Refuge' amid Ongoing Storms
–– Lip sinks.
Have We Reached Peak Human Life Span?
–– Dying to know.
Richard Simmons' brother shares 'little secret' about late fitness guru's burial: 'Not too many people know'
–– Far fewer care.
Maggie Smith’s Face Has Something to Teach Us
–– Did she leave it behind?
Broadway Will Dim All Theater Lights For Gavin Creel, Maggie Smith, Adrian Bailey After Outcry
–– We demand lights dimmed for old lady who fell down open manhole in front of Lunt-Fontanne theatre!
Luis Tiant, Crowd-Pleasing Pitcher Who Baffled Hitters, Dies at 83
–– Where we knew he’d wind-up.
Ethel Kennedy, Passionate Supporter of the Family Legacy, Dies at 96
–– Mercifully, released from making excuses for son.
