Sloppy Seconds
Week of 11/08/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Republicans widen Senate majority, on track to win House
–– Checks out and imbalances.
How Trump Won the First “Influencer Election”
–– More 'influenza'.
After two presidential losses, women wonder what it will take to shatter the glass ceiling
–– Better candidates?
Harris campaign leadership urges staffers not to speak with reporters: Sources
–– Still no press conferences?
Van Jones on Trump win: ‘It turned out we were the idiots’
–– Duhmocrats.
Trump announces campaign manager Susie Wiles as White House chief of staff
–– Hey, gals, grateful yet?
JD Vance's wife, Usha Vance, set to become history-making second lady
–– Usha's in Age of Obedient Housewife.
Kamala Harris in Concession Speech: “I Do Not Concede the Fight That Fueled This Campaign”
–– Sounds pretty conceded.
Vice President Kamala Harris delivers concession speech after loss to Donald Trump but says, 'I do not concede the fight that fueled this campaign'
–– Looking like she needed urn of coffee to fuel remarks.
Obamas: Harris loss shows U.S. ‘not immune’ from post-pandemic headwinds
–– Excuse sounds more like tailwinds.
Harris defeat is a stinging verdict for the left
–– Which they will inevitably misread. These can’t all be funny.
Opinion Election night might not proceed as you expect. Keep your head.
–– In locked drawer.
For nearly half of Trump voters, overt appreciation of Hitler is acceptable
–– Heil be there.
‘It’s simple, really' - why Latinos flocked to Trump's working-class coalition
–– His voters as dumb as he thinks they are.
For Many Arab Americans in Dearborn, Trump Made the Case for Their Votes
–– See above.
Howard Stern says he feared US wouldn’t elect a woman: ‘I know how men talk behind closed doors’
–– Like you on air for first 80% of career.
Jeff Bezos Praises Donald Trump’s ‘Extraordinary Comeback’ After Tech Mogul Spiked Washington Post’s Presidential Endorsement
–– Orders 4-year supply of mouthwash from Amazon.
Eric Trump: My father will go down as one of the most ‘remarkable candidates’ in history
–– The way one remarks upon Hindenburg disaster.
Adam McKay Says ‘It Is Time to Abandon’ the Democratic Party as Trump Declares Victory: ‘I Thought Liberals’ Whole Thing Is Being Smart? It’s Not’
–– You sound like political genius.
Famed Pollster Ann Selzer Now Thinks Her Completely Wrong Iowa Poll Helped Trump
–– Like calling her ‘known guesser.’
Election Polls Are Increasingly Useless. Can We Get Rid of Them?
–– Then what would talking heads blather about?
If Trump were running against Biden right now, he’d be up 7 points
–– Based on crystal ball up ass?
Celebratory Election Night Watch Parties on Ice as Anxiety and Action Sweeps Through Hollywood: “Mentally Preparing Myself for the Worst”
–– “Remember to ask surprised, remember to act surprised…”
I’m a Presidential Historian. This Is My Biggest Regret About Trump.
–– Everything?
Special counsel Jack Smith expected to wind down Trump prosecutions: Sources
–– Sounds untreasonable.
Trump talks about reporters being shot and says he shouldn't have left White House after 2020 loss
–– Now we'll view last four years as Silver Age.
J.D. Vance’s Closing Message: Harris Is ‘Trash’
–– Bin there, done that.
Trump Boasts ‘Every Rally Is Full’ as Camera Immediately Pans to Empty Seats, People Leaving
–– His capacity for self-delusion at 110%.
Bolton suggests Trump will not accept results if Harris wins: ‘We should be ready for it’
–– We should’ve all been ready for his thumping her despite warnings from rightwing nuts like you.
“My closest friend for 10 years": Epstein discusses Trump friendship in newly released tapes
–– Died in disgrace by own hand? Sounds like friend with benefits.
Jimmy Kimmel Surprised That Bombshell Jeffrey Epstein Tapes About Trump Friendship Aren’t Getting More Attention
–– At this point signed publicity shot of him eating baby wouldn’t make difference.
Rubio blasts the media for ‘concerted effort’ to ‘breathlessly distort and lie’ about Trump
–– We wish he had lot less breath.
Trump says: 'The Germans didn't love me'
–– How about Nazis?
Joe Rogan Endorses Donald Trump for President
–– Goes Rogan.
Dr. Phil Endorsed Donald Trump In “Act Of Rebellion” After Claiming He Was Snubbed By Kamala Harris; Says He Will “Never Tell” Who Has His Vote
–– Phil of shit.
Republicans call to ‘avenge’ Peanut the squirrel’s death at ballot box
–– Nuts to them.
John Oliver Fights Back Tears Urging Viewers to Vote for Kamala Harris: ‘Wouldn’t It Be Great to Live in a World’ Where Trump Is ‘No Longer an Active Threat?’
–– Or, y’know, ‘active.’
Kamala Harris ‘SNL’ Appearance May Have Violated FCC ‘Equal Time’ Rule, Trump-Appointed Commissioner Claims
–– Court preliminarily finds lameness of sketch negates claim.
Donald Trump Election Spot Airs During NBC’s ‘Sunday Night Football,’ NASCAR Coverage in Response to Kamala Harris’ ‘SNL’ Appearance
–– Why would Democrat want to appear on highest-rated events?
TV news anchors have an important message to deliver on election night. Their clothing shouldn't 'be a distraction.'
–– Bret Baier should be allowed foolscap.
Montel Williams Addresses Rumored Kamala Harris “Sex Tape”
–– “Yes, that’s Montel spelled M-O-N-T…”
Trump seethes over repeated microphone problems: ‘I get so angry’
–– Gee, we’re seeing new side of him.
RFK Jr. says Trump will recommend removing fluoride from public water if he wins reelection
–– So teeth can rot along with brains.
Pro-Trump columnist Hugh Hewitt dramatically quits the Washington Post after storming out of interview
–– You nitwit.
Montana GOP Senate candidate Tim Sheehy says there are no records to prove story of his gunshot wound
–– ‘Explanation’ suggests some foreign object lodged in head.
L.A. County district attorney, one of the most progressive in the country, loses re-election
–– Left.
Daniel Lurie elected San Francisco’s next mayor, in rebuke to Breed
–– A Breed depart.
’An Earthquake’ Along the Border: Trump Flipped Hispanic South Tex
–– No one hates espalda mojada more than pocho.
Putin said Russia wouldn't have to choose between guns or butter. The price of butter is soaring.
–– Making it tougher to anally rape citizenry.
Russia suspected of sending incendiary devices on US- and Canada-bound planes, Wall Street Journal reports
–– Insist they wanted to have fireworks ready for Trump victory.
Fears grow that woman arrested for undressing in Iran could be tortured in psychiatric unit
–– Ayatollah there'd be days like these.
Steven Madden C.E.O. Says It Is Moving Production Out of China
–– Shoed away.
Washington Post Employees Ordered Back to Office 5 Days a Week
–– And one weekend day in Amazon warehouse.
Look of the Week: Heidi Klum arrives at annual Halloween bash in elaborate E.T. costume
–– Phone ham.
Robert Zemeckis Breaks Down the Cutting Edge Tech That Powered ‘Here’: ‘We Could Not Have Made This Movie Five Years Ago’
–– Shouldn’t have then or now.
Simon and Garfunkel in emotional reunion as pair put troublesome past behind them
–– Like a bridge over troubled watercress.
Olivia Rodrigo Reveals the ‘Oddly Specific’ Question She Asks Guys on First Dates: ‘The Biggest Red Flag’
–– ‘Do you have all my albums?’
Cuban Actress Lisandra Silva 'Ended Up In The Hospital' After Taking Ozempic
–– Through ear.
Kevin Smith Says Harvey Weinstein Cried Watching “Chasing Amy”, Laments He 'Can't Undo' Career Being 'Tied Up with' Him
–– We’d never even heard about bondage history.
Martha Stewart's Ex Husband and His Current Wife Break Their Silence on His 'Painful and Abusive' Marriage to Martha
–– Without tidying it up.
Ryan Reynolds reacts to Martha Stewart saying he's 'not so funny' with joke that's not so funny
–– Bemoans ‘painful and abusive’ interview.
Ridley Scott Says Joaquin Phoenix Got Cold Feet on ‘Gladiator’ and Said ‘I Can’t Do It’; Then Russell Crowe Called It ‘Terribly Unprofessional’
–– Phoenix falling.
Daniel Craig Jokes There Was a 'Very Secret Recipe' Used to Make the Sperm Shown Onscreen in “Queer”
–– Somebody pulled fast one.
‘Is the Sperm Still in There?’: Daniel Craig and Drew Starkey on Making ‘Queer,’ the Year’s Most Audacious Love Story
–– Don’t want to know what he was pointing at.
Conan O’Brien Regrets ‘Being So Intense’ at ‘SNL’ and Burning Out in Three Years: ‘I Robbed Myself of Fun’ and ‘Could’ve Written There Longer’
–– Robbed audience of none.
‘Venom’ Was Tom Hardy in His Purest Form
–– Unadulterated toxin.
Helen Hunt Recalls 'Immediately' Having Chemistry with Bill Paxton While Filming “Twister”
–– Like whirlwind romance?
Jon Peters’ Final Cut: Hair-Raising Tales From a Legendary Wildman
–– Shaggy dog story.
Paulina Porizkova Reminds Fans ‘Getting Old Doesn’t Mean You’re Broken’ in This Stripped-Down Photoshoot
–– Has skin in game.
Shohei Ohtani, and his dog, steal the show at Los Angeles Dodgers victory parade
–– But out at home.
Juan Soto free agency buzz: Rays reportedly among seven known teams that reached out to OF
–– Then realized he would cost more then whole team payroll.
After their son came out, this conservative Christian couple went into a closet of their own
–– With Jesus.
I'm Demisexual. Here's What I Want You To Know.
–– I’ve no idea what it means either.
Standing desks are bad for your health – new study
–– Have on sit-list.
This common drug can force cells to “spit out” Alzheimer’s hallmark
–– In gerontologist's eye.
‘Exciting’ new lupus treatment could end need for lifelong medication
–– Researchers do lupus-de-loop.
Interest rates are going down. But mortgage rates are going ... up?
–– Hold on… bankers are greedy bastards?
Who Says You Can’t Live Off the Grid in Manhattan?
–– Ask any bum.
I Met a Perfect Man. Then His Pants Came Off. I Don’t Know What to Say.
–– ‘Buy a belt?’
This sherpa-lined sweatshirt is a cuddle-worthy 50% off at Amazon
–– Uses skins of only finest Tibetan guides.
This Country Is So Small, It’s Been Left Off World Maps — But the Food Can’t Be Ignored
–– Yeah, like, who’s even heard of New Zealand?
TGI Fridays files for bankruptcy, COVID-19 pandemic blamed for financial woes
–– Along with recipes that simulate effects of GI tract infection.
New York man allegedly beats up stranger for wearing pro-Trump hat in supermarket: police
–– No damage if blows were to head.
Nicholas Alexander Chavez shares why it's 'incredibly hard playing a real person' after starring as Lyle Menéndez
–– But not actual human being.
Erik Menendez’s Wife Shares Milestone She Hopes He's Home For
–– Parents' memorial?
Man Expecting to Be Tied up for Sex on the Beach with Woman Was Instead Attacked with Hatchet: Police
–– Almost chopped wood.
Dallas singer shot onstage while signing autographs after performance
–– Didn't need to wait for reviews.
Mom Shot "Execution-Style" in the Safest Part of Philadelphia
–– In other parts murders way sloppier.
Man Planned to Use Drone With Explosive to Attack Substation, U.S. Says
–– Was really more aspiration of his.
I slept with a hammer next to my bed after blowing the whistle on an elite cover-up in Jersey
–– And dreamt of building house!
Like humans, chimps often perform tasks differently when crowds are watching
–– Really step up game when masturbating in public.
Cloned ferret gives birth in Va., making history, U.S. officials say
–– Referret.
The oldest tadpole ever has been found—and it’s a big one
–– Dubbed wadpole.
An Adventurer Thought He Found Amelia Earhart’s Plane. Now He Says It Was a Rock
–– That could fly!
How Many Continents Are There? You May Not Like the Answers.
–– From incontinent geologists.
Why this skinned head preserved in ethanol for more than 100 years has got de-extinction experts so excited
–– Kinda looks like Marjorie Taylor Greene.
We finally know how the dinosaurs ended up ruling the planet
–– An ill-informed electorate.
Pompeii DNA evidence contradicts long-held assumptions about victims buried in ash
–– Or 'Theorists make mistakes.'
Scientists have fiercely debated the existence of ‘Planet 9’ for a decade. Some say evidence is piling up
–– Have Plan 9 to conquer it.
Everyone’s ignoring these investors’ warnings on climate risk. You shouldn’t.
–– Drown in debt?
‘A total waste of time’: why Papua New Guinea pulled out of Cop29 and why climate advocates are worried
–– COP to truth.
The Jackson 5 Tito Jackson Laid To Rest Close To Brother Michael Jackson
– Still in shadow.
Elwood Edwards, voice of AOL’s iconic greeting ‘You’ve Got Mail,’ dies at 74
–– You’ve got mulch.
Murray McCory, JanSport co-founder and backpack creator, dies at 80
–– Packs it in.
Bernard Marcus, cofounder of The Home Depot and billionaire Republican megadonor, has died
–– Nailed.
Flight attendants on Home Depot cofounder's private jets say they were overworked and not paid overtime
–– But got to wear cool orange aprons.
Quincy Jones, Master of All Things Musical, Dies at 91
–– Q tips.
15 Best Samples of Quincy Jones’ Music, From Kanye West to the Weeknd to Harry Styles
–– Because ripped-off riffs define him.
The Sinatra song that says everything about Quincy Jones’s genius
–– In its full arrange.
