God Smacked
Week of 01/05/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Biden, in Valley Forge speech, hits Trump hard as threat to democracy
–– Crossed the dull aware.
Israel in talks to resettle Gazans in Africa
–– Y’know, the other Africa.
Republican loyalty to Trump, rioters climbs in 3 years after Jan. 6 attack
–– Loyalty program comes with zero rewards.
Opinion | Will voters know the verdict on Trump before November?
–– Real question is care.
Labor market added 216,000 jobs in December, capping year of big gains
–– Voters will only give Biden credit if he personally hires them, signs check, throws company picnic.
President Biden Leaves 7-Day Vacation With Sunburn
–– Or just red-faced that he's having to defend record against orange face.
Trump paid me to find voter fraud. Then he lied after I found 2020 election wasn't stolen.
–– And threatened to sue when I confirmed he weighed more than 215 lbs.
Biden Could Kill Donald Trump And Not Be Prosecuted, Under Trump's Own Legal Theory
–– Prove it, Joe.
Trump pushes to hold Jack Smith in contempt, block further filings in Jan. 6 case
–– Seeing what will stick to wall, like ape tossing feces in primate house.
Trump should be banned from NY real estate for 'outrageous' fraud, attorney general says
–– Must not be allowed to sully that most virtuous of human endeavors.
Doom dominates 2024 messaging as Trump and Biden trade dire warnings
–– It's mourning in America!
Former aides warn of ‘running out of time’ to prevent Trump re-election
–– He's ticked-off time bomb.
Jeffrey Epstein documents unsealed, naming Prince Andrew and former President Clinton
–– Unsealed or unzipped?
Hollywood Stars Name-Dropped In Epstein Docs By Witness Saying She Never Met Them
–– Did apparently read Us Weekly, Washington Monthly.
Why Is Stephen Hawking Being Mentioned in Connection With Jeffrey Epstein?
–– Which male adult who’s name you recognize hasn’t?
Jeffrey Epstein’s former lawyer said, ‘I want everything out,’ as documents release date is delayed
–– Judge: ‘Only, Mr. Dershowitz, if you put your face away.’
Michael Avenatti argues to overturn conviction for defrauding Stormy Daniels
–– Insists she's been screwed too many times to know difference.
Hundreds of migrants dropped off in New Jersey, bypassing New York City restrictions
–– Scammers make killing getting paid for Empire State Building ‘tours.’
Mayor Adams' administration files lawsuit claiming bus companies owe NYC $708 million for bringing migrants to city from Texas
–– Transit strike.
Takeaways from CNN’s town halls with DeSantis and Haley
–– Cold bucket of chicken, side of stupid.
Nikki Haley Pulled a Bizarre Stunt With Her Husband. Maybe We All Should.
–– Renamed Bill Haley Michael, enraging Comets.
After pushup challenge, Ramaswamy says the time to fix systemic racism has long passed
–– But did anyone sit-up, take notice?
Fetterman renews call for Senate to expel Menendez after Qatar-related allegations
–– Wackadoo Fetterman moral conscience of Dems.
New gun laws won’t be enforced by Sutter County Sheriff’s Office: “We have no interest in criminalizing constitutionally protected behavior”
–– California state officials: fire away.
Transgender woman running for Ohio House disqualified for not disclosing deadname
–– Which ironically is Mort.
Hamas says senior leader has been killed in attack in southern Beirut
–– In vacation rathole.
Islamic State Takes Responsibility for Deadly Bombings in Iran
–– Talk about blast from past.
Attacks Heighten Fears of a Wider War for the Middle East and U.S.
–– Arms merchants in perpetual state of arousal.
Israel in Secret Talks to ‘Resettle’ Palestinians in Congo, Report Says
–– With families of hyenas.
Painful surgeries and passing notes, how Israeli siblings survived Hamas captivity
–– Surgeries on each other?
Harvard President Resigns After Mounting Plagiarism Accusations
–– Critics mounted, wouldn’t get off.
Former Harvard president Claudine Gay speaks out in op-ed
–– Your plagiarism joke here.
Conservative anti-DEI activists claim victory in Harvard leader’s fall
–– Should issue formal thanks for all assistance she offered.
Bill Ackman's celebrity academic wife Neri Oxman's dissertation is marred by plagiarism
–– This week in ‘You Cheated, No You Cheated.’
After Harvard and Penn president resignations, focus of ire shifts to MIT’s Kornbluth
–– Right wants to engineer removal.
China’s Xi, US President Biden exchange congratulations on 45th year of diplomatic ties
–– Both would like to extend around each other's throat.
Taiwan’s presidential candidates emphasize peace in relations with Beijing
–– And love for Pooh bear.
India Is Chasing China’s Economy. But Something Is Holding It Back.
–– Keeps tripping on sari?
North Korea says it will no longer seek reunification with South Korea, will launch new spy satellites in 2024
–– And Kim vows never to reconnect with Reality.
North Korea: Kim Jong Un daughter his likely successor, South's spy agency says
–– We assumed she'd pursue career as Cabbage Patch Kid model.
The American Soldier Whose Fear of Fighting in Vietnam Led Him to Defect to North Korea. He Stayed There for 40 Years
–– So much easier than a couple years of community service.
US Navy sinks 3 Houthi boats attacking merchant ship in Red Sea, US says
–– Houthi heck cares.
Separatist Bosnian Serb leader Milorad Dodik vows to tear his country apart despite US warnings
–– And shit where he sleeps.
Burundi's president says gay people should be stoned
–– Bob Dylan sort of agrees.
Denmark’s queen announces surprise abdication live on TV
–– Dane cooked.
The West Badly Needs More Missiles –– but the Wait to Buy Them Is Years Long
–– Awaiting fire sale.
Sean Hannity Says He’s Relocated To Florida
–– Moved there mentally, spiritually decades ago.
Host Jo Koy’s Been Charged with a “Celebratory” Golden Globes — That Doesn’t Mean He Can’t Roast
–– Must play Koy.
Box Office: Existential Crisis Ahead As Hollywood Rethinks What Makes a Hit
–– Isn’t that what business has done since The Great Train Robbery?
Looks Like He Made It: Barry Manilow at 80
–– Which cosmetic surgery decision are they referring to?
–– Yes, and always ordered Apple tart.
J.J. Abrams Praises “Bold, Graphic Storytelling” of ‘Bonnie and Clyde’ for TCM Movie Picks (Exclusive)
–– As opposed to own “muddled, derivative” style.
Who is Marvel’s Echo and how is she one of the universe’s most powerful people in the comics?
–– Or have you heard this before?
Anthony Hopkins Holocaust Feature 'One Life' Amends Marketing Materials to Include Jews Following Backlash (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Because only 85% of those Winton saved were Jews.
Don’t blame us! Are James Bond trigger warnings really for audiences’ benefit?
–– Their scornful amusement at least: “Please note that many of these films contain languages, image and other content that reflect views prevalent in its time, but will cause offence today (as they did then).”
The Marvels Taps Out as Lowest-Grossing MCU Movie at Box Office
–– Industry marvels at result.
Nikki Reed describes her busy farm life with Ian Somerhalder
–– Thought experiment: Try to imagine anything less interesting.
Kelly Clarkson says walking in her new home of NYC helped her lose weight
–– To get her Ozempic.
Kate Hudson Admits That “It’s Hard to Get Male Movie Stars to Make Rom-Coms”
–– “With me.”
America Ferrera and the ‘Barbie’ Monologue We All Talked About
–– Who the eff are ‘we’?
Tia Mowry Wears Daring Sheer Catsuit as She Announces 'Most Unapologetic Version of Myself’
–– Wow, all we can say is, ‘Who?’
’Bachelorette’ Star Rachel Lindsay, Bryan Abasolo to Divorce After Four Years of Marriage
–– Just realized cameras were off.
Jonathan Majors Sits Down For Interview With ABC News Live’s Linsey Davis
–– Network gives defense Creedence.
Opinion: Here’s who you should blame for Dave Chappelle walking off stage
–– And thank.
Billie Eilish says ‘Barbie’ song ‘What Was I Made For?’ is more personal than she thought it would be
–– Check paid for intimate bikini wax.
Jimmy Kimmel Blasts ‘Soft-Brained Wacko’ Aaron Rodgers for Implying Jeffrey Epstein Affiliation, Threatens Lawsuit
–– Human CT scan.
Jets QB Aaron Rodgers reaches new low with grudge-filled attack on Jimmy Kimmel
–– Previous low was joining Jets.
Snoop Dogg Set to Join NBCUniversal’s Primetime Coverage of the Olympics Summer Games 2024 in Paris
–– And besmirch sanctity of Games?
Referee Brad Allen may have cost the Detroit Lions a win against the Dallas Cowboys
–– Ironically, his ancient ancestor in Rome cost lions win against Christians.
Carolina Panthers owner David Tepper appears to toss drink at Jacksonville fans during his team’s loss
–– In sloppiest toast of new year.
Detroit Pistons lose 28th consecutive game after blowing 21-point lead
–– Firing on none of theirs.
ESPN apologizes for showing video of woman flashing breast during Sugar Bowl broadcast
–– Viewers assumed it was closeup of fumble.
MLB player Wander Franco arrested in the Dominican Republic, accused of relationship with minor
–– Experienced Wander lust?
US regulator denies Apple, Disney bids to skip votes on AI
–– They both had jump ropes ready.
No one had ever ‘beat’ Tetris. Then came a 13-year-old phenom.
–– Started with fish bowl beating tetras.
This new approach to drinking less is going viral — and it's easier than Dry January
–– New approach: drink more.
Cracker Barrel Vs Dennys: Which Is Better?
–– Diarrhea vs emesis –– your choice.
Hershey is sued for selling Reese’s Peanut Butter cups without ‘cute pumpkin faces’
–– So salesman put on smiling jack o’lantern mask.
Taco Bell Has a New Burrito That’s Bound To Be an Instant Fan-Favorite
–– The Freebie?
Italy divided over new pineapple pizza
–– Between hate/despise.
What’s the Best Time to Eat Dinner? Here’s the Math
–– When having dim sum.
Day 4: Identify Your ‘Energy Vampires’ and ‘Chaotic Friends’
–– And avoid ‘time-suck articles.’
‘We’ll leave the light on for you': America's last lighthouse keeper is leaving her post
–– To be replaced by Tom Bodett.
F.D.A. Issues First Approval for Mass Drug Imports to States From Canada
–– On backs of moose.
At least 13 million people lost Medicaid this year, with Texas an epicenter of the ‘unwinding'
–– Which seems incredibly careless.
Reno Is Beating the Odds in Solving Homelessness
–– Don't bet on it.
My 30-Year Quitting Addiction
–– Try 'writing confessionals' next.
2023 was District’s deadliest year in more than two decades
–– And dumbest.
Two Case-Shattering Clues Point to the Real Name—and Face—of Jack the Ripper
–– According to Jack the tipper.
New evidence discovered in D. B. Cooper skyjacking case
–– Chute down speculation.
Milwaukee postal theft ring charged; crew called themselves the ‘Scamily'
–– Stamp out crime.
Nude Woman Found After Police Chase
–– Beat officers were very horny.
Iowa high school principal tried to distract shooter so students could flee, daughter says
–– Dad jokes just didn’t land.
Fired Comedian Ordered to Get Day Job Back After Jokes Ruled 'Simply Funny’
–– Biggest shock is NPR has no sense of humor.
I discovered … chimps using tools – and people wouldn’t believe me
–– I told cops they broke into my car, hot-wired and drove off.
This 1,200-Year-Old Artifact Is Stunning—But Nobody Knows What It Is
–– Just know you bop people over head with it.
Reason for mysterious gaps in Great Wall of China reveled
–– Crude urinals.
Testing Tesla’s Autopilot recall, I don’t feel much safer — and neither should you
–– I'm driving in your neighborhood.
NASA is headed for the moon next week, and it's bringing lots of weird stuff
–– Like oldies mixtape.
Every 8.5 Years, Earth's Core Mysteriously Wobbles. Scientists May Finally Know Why.
–– Drinking binges.
A Hidden Blob of Water Has Abruptly Reappeared in the Atlantic
–– Was tucked behind bigger glob of waves.
A Strange Plastic Rock Has Ominously Invaded 5 Countries
–– Has experts asking, ‘does Maroon 5 have new album?’
Megalosaurus, the first ever dinosaur discovery
–– As he keeps telling T Rex.
The Most Mysterious Cells in Our Bodies Don’t Belong to Us
–– Who stuck iPhone up there?
World’s biggest polluter just saw its hottest year on record, marked by deadly extreme weather
–– We heard X had ice cold year.
Respiratory virus activity is high and rising across the United States, CDC data shows
–– Scored crack, hopped balloon.
Maurice Hines, Tap Dancer Extraordinaire, Dies at 80
–– Tapped out.
‘Mary Poppins’ actress Glynis Johns dies at 100
–– A spoonful of sugar will help the monument go down.
Shecky Greene, comic who once ruled Vegas, dies at 97
–– Laid odd.
Tom Wilkinson, Oscar-Nominated Actor Known for ‘Michael Clayton’ and ‘The Full Monty,’ Dies at 75
–– Stripped down.
David Soul, ‘Starsky & Hutch’ star, dead at 80
–– Lost Soul.
