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Ever Dense Tampering
Week of 02/23/24

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Satirical photo-illustration showing House Biden Impeachment Inquiry Chairman James Comer banging his gavel as he says "For Our Next 'I'm Witless' Account…" as cartoon character Boris Badenov is taken away in handcuffs in front of him, attached to an unseen police officer's hand.What is the cost for Republicans of their key FBI informant having Russian ties?
–– Owe Putin $1M rubles ($10,550.)

4 things to watch in South Carolina’s Republican primary
–– 1) Comically slow death of GOP.

Poll Ranks Biden as 14th-Best President, With Trump Last
–– Actually had to add 47th slot to accommodate.

NY Times publisher: White House ‘extremely upset’ about coverage of Biden age
–– Threatens to overturn bowl of porridge.

Indicted ex-FBI informant told investigators he got Hunter Biden dirt from Russian intelligence officials
–– Who told him he needed to line coffin when he slept each day.

Raskin says FBI informant revelations 'destroy' Biden impeachment case; GOP downplays impact
–– RNC, 'No biggie. Remember it was based on Marjorie Taylor Greene fever dream to begin with.'

Greene says Judge Engoron ‘should be disrobed’
–– She smiles, winks, ’I bet he’s hung like a stallion.’

“But it's not true!": CNN reporter confronts Jim Jordan over indicted informant's debunked claims
–– Jordan: ‘But this shit smells like sizzlin' steak!’

Republican: Colleagues were warned informant’s Biden claims were not verified
–– Could not spell verify to check definition.

Tuberville says Biden running for reelection to stay out of jail
–– ‘And to protect a beautiful head of blonde hair and his marriage to Melonie, that cute Slobbovian gal. His boys, Dan Jr. and Eric need ‘im. But I guess house arrest at Marlboro-lago wouldn’t be so bad. Did I say Biden? How many fingers ya’ holding up?’

Expert says this is why Biden's dog keeps having issues at the White House
–– Russian expert insists Hunter sprinkling coke on kibbles.

Hillary Clinton warns Trump will seek to withdraw U.S. from NATO if elected
–– And keep budget for self.

Trump asks judge to delay enforcing the $355 million civil fraud decision for one month
–– Swears he'll have enough once his Oscar bets pay off.

Judge in Trump's NY fraud case denies request for delay in payout
–– Levies additional $1 mil nuisance fee for having to rule.

Trump lawyer Alina Habba brushes off NY AG threat to seize assets: ‘It will not be successful’
–– And she’s been dead right about everything else.

Trump, facing multimillion-dollar fines, is now selling $399 shoes
–– Sneaky con.

GoFundMe launched to help pay Trump’s legal fees
–– More like GoFuckYou.

'Chicago Ray' walks back trucker NYC boycott, but says 'leave Trump alone’
–– Backs semi up over own foot (while in mouth.)

Turner claims Trump’s NY fraud verdict is ‘threat’ to all businesses
–– That cheat? Dandy!

Lara Trump says she thinks GOP voters would like to see RNC pay Donald Trump's legal fees
–– And Eric’s brain transplant.

Trump says Melania will be on campaign trail ‘quite a bit’ when asked about absence
–– ‘I’ll be leaving trail of Benjamins.’

Ex-White House doctor known as the ‘candyman’ dispensed pills without prescriptions
–– And enemies with his hook.

How the decision to honor a Trump ally tore apart a Hall of Fame
–– Error Flynn.

DeSantis says he wouldn’t serve as Trump’s vice president but doesn’t rule out 2028 run
–– 2028 texts, ‘yeah rite!’

Former Trump adviser Peter Navarro ordered to return presidential records
–– Had LPs pressed of Trump crooning Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?

Pence group announclyes $20 million effort to fight GOP’s ‘drift toward populism’
–– Pence, 'I am thoroughly and completely against being popular.'

President Biden’s great-great-grandfather was pardoned by Abraham Lincoln, documents show
–– Chancellor Otto von Bismarck pronounced Trump's great-great-grandfather a 'schweinehund.'

Wisconsin ‘fake elector’ Andrew Hitt says he was tricked into signing document claiming Trump won in 2020
–– With clever use of laser, cat chow.

Alabama Supreme Court rules frozen embryos are children, imperiling IVF
–– Demands labs provide tiny mittens.

Biden rips ‘outrageous and unacceptable’ Alabama IVF decision
–– As state weighs granting 'twinkle in eye' legal rights.

Tennessee governor signs bill allowing public officials to refuse to perform same-sex marriages
–– Unless he can watch videos of wedding night.

Rep. Barbara Lee in California Senate race says minimum wage should be raised to $50
–– So potential senate candidates can afford math lessons?

With Prison Certain and Death Likely, Why Did Navalny Return?
–– Was tired of guessing?

A Stunned Russian Opposition in Exile Considers a Future Without Navalny
–– Stunned?

Navalny’s Widow Pledges to Carry On Opposition Leader’s Work
–– Blonde ambition.

Biden holds poignant meeting with Alexei Navalny’s widow, daughter
–– Holds hug several minutes too long.

Trump breaks silence on Navalny, casts no blame on Putin
–– Elegant as breaking wind.

In Navalny's last letters, the Russian dissident called Trump's agenda for a second term 'really scary’
–– Considered transferring to ADX Florence in protest.

Pelosi: Trump comments on Navalny’s death ‘beneath the dignity of a human being’
–– Or 'predictable for that organism.'

Putin on Biden's 'crazy SOB' remark: shows why he is preferable as U.S president
–– "I like when real man talk dirty to me."

Tucker Carlson’s Lesson in the Perils of Giving Airtime to an Autocrat
–– In Chapter 4 of Tucker: The Compleat Asshole.

Zelensky on Tucker Carlson interview with Putin: ‘two hours of bulls—’
–– Scored 0% on Potatometer.

The Kremlin has never been richer – thanks to a US strategic partner
–– Indian givers.

Ukraine Enters Third Year of War as Stalled US Aid Dims Outlook
–– US House enters 16th month of coma.

Putin gifts car to Kim Jong Un in sign of ‘special personal relations,’ North Korean state media reports
–– Comes equipped with dozen clowns.

Bullet-riddled body found in Spain was Russian defector, Ukraine says
–– Riddle us that.

Netanyahu’s postwar “plan” for Gaza is no plan at all
–– Massive Bibiland theme park doesn't show potential?

I’m the Mayor of Dearborn, Mich., and My City Feels Betrayed
–– 'From the river to Erie!'

The Wife of Haiti’s Assassinated President Is Accused in His Killing
–– Haiti’s gonna hate.

Mexico president denies report of allegations that close associates took drug money during campaign
–– ‘They took drugs, were given money.’

Africa’s Donkeys Are Coveted by China. Can the Continent Protect Them?
–– And cover their asses?

’Jawbreaker’ is turning 25, but the film’s costumes still represent iconic teen fashion
–– ‘Classic’ with 14% on Tomatometer, D+ audience rating.

Kristen Stewart Defends Wearing Jockstrap On Provocative Rolling Stone Cover
–– Can't hold her own.

‘Madame Web’ flops at the box office
–– Receipts threadbare.

For Zelda Williams, Daughter of Robin, a Goth Zombie Comedy Is Cathartic
–– For investors traumatic.

‘NCIS’ Star Wilmer Valderrama Looks Back on Working With ‘Inspiring’ David McCallum: ‘He Never Left Food on the Table’ | Video
–– ‘I mean never, he’d finish your sandwich if you put it down for a second.’

Zendaya says Tom Holland does indeed have ‘rizz,’ whether he thinks so or not
–– Mum on 'jizz.'

Sharon Stone complains about how 'very expensive' it is to be famous despite a net worth of $40M — calls herself a 'blue collar' worker who gets stuck with $3K dinner checks. Is she right?
–– You can ask her to show receipts.

Opinion: ‘Drive-Away Dolls’ is DeSantis’ worst fear
–– He should be thrilled lesbian heist film’s this dumb.

How Tom Sandoval Became the Most Hated Man in America
–– Pubic Enemy No. 1.

Johnny Manziel Reveals Dramatic 40-Pound Weight Loss Was Due to a Cocaine ‘Diet’
–– Hash marks disappeared in games he played.

Former digital-media darling Vice to end website, lay off hundreds
–– Vice squat.

The Shocking Death That Has Devastated Gamers for Decades
–– If you're still mourning Aerith better hit reset on life.

Zero Black Women Have Won BAFTAs’ Best Actress Category in 76 Years, So When Will They?
–– Our Magic 8 Ball says ‘Concentrate and ask again.’

Blaxit: Tired of Racism, Black Americans Try Life in Africa
–– Bored silly with democracy.

Study Finds 80 Percent of Americans Test Positive for Little-Knossswn Chemical Contained in Cheerios and Quaker Oats
–– Company spokesman, not William Penn, to appear before House committee.

Red Lobster was nearly crippled by all-you-can-eat shrimp. Now it’s trying endless lobster
–– Next up: Infinite Chum.

Gait speed is one of your vital signs, so make sure yours is OK
–– Join gaited community.

How Long Is Too Long to Stay in Bed?
–– Those sheets used to be white.

Should you clean up for hotel housekeeping?
–– And pocket tip?

My Mother Got on a Bike. It Changed Her Life.
–– Haven’t seen her since.

Cougar attacks mountain bikers on Washington trail
–– So that’s what old girl’s been up to.

Why Do I Feel Butterflies in My Stomach When I’m on a Date
–– You ordered pupa salad.

Are you taking your meds wrong? Many patients make these common mistakes.
–– Yes, pill fits in anus –– doesn’t mean it goes there.

Grant Cardone Says Earning $400,000 A Year Would 'Embarrass' Him As A Husband, Father And Human Being — 'How Do You Make Sense Of $35,000 A Month?’
–– He's embarrassment at thrice the salary.

Popular parent blogger Ruby Franke sentenced to consecutive prison terms for 4 counts of child aggravated abuse
–– More flogger than blogger.

Mom of Mississippi 10-year-old arrested and given probation for urinating in public files suit against police
–– Doesn't know better than to wee-wee in public files?

Alleged shooter at Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl celebration told police he was ‘just being stupid’: affidavit
–– Should get life just for laughs.

Video shows Target store sliding down hillside in West Virginia as store is forced to close
–– In sales skid.

The American who bought a home in Italy and found ‘big surprises’ inside
–– Turned out not to be portions of tiramisu dumped on floor.

Don’t use a space heater this winter. Do this instead.
–– Freeze.

The Future of Medicine Is Unfolding Before Us. Are We Nurturing It?
–– We gave virus on slide hug last week.

Opinion | Why not pay teachers $100,000 a year?
–– Why not place golden apples on desks?

Why you should consider bunnies as your next pet
–– Can be quite affectionate.

How (and why) to peacefully coexist with squirrels
–– If you value your nuts.

70 coins removed from stomach of alligator at Nebraska zoo
–– None judged lucky.

Famous fossil is really just paint, rocks and a couple of bones, researchers say
–– Bunkumsaurus antiquus.

It seemed clear Monday: Despite the chill, spring is coming
–– Finally, news we can use.

The Odysseus lunar lander is sideways on the moon, company that built it says
–– Intuitive Machines described result as 'odiferous.'

Nearly 30,000 objects are hurtling through near-Earth orbit. That’s not just a problem for space
–– Time said to feel 'unsafe.'

Astronomers say mysterious galactic ‘wave’ may have once washed over Earth
–– Ridden by Silver Surfer!

This weekend’s full moon will be a ‘micromoon.’ Here’s what that means
–– Mini cheese wedges.

Piece of space junk the size of a school bus could crash into ocean off California coast
–– Endangering ET kindergartners!

Florida surgeon general defies science amid measles outbreak
–– Was previously tree surgeon.

Company fined over massive Kazakhstan methane leak
–– Authorities knew something smelled funny.

Why you probably shouldn’t blow up a pipeline
–– While standing on it.

The surprisingly simple way to convince people to go green
–– St. Patty’s Day all year long!

Smokey Bear is turning 80—but forest fires have never been worse
–– Fire him!

Climate change clouds future of winter sports
–– Hot cocoa manufacturers panic.

Three frequently asked questions about EVs, answered
–– 3,2,1) Where's the damned charging station?!

Green energy, EV sales are growing remarkably in the US as emissions fall. Is it enough?
–– Fuelish question.

Hydropower Won’t Stop the Climate Crisis—It Might Make It Worse
–– Water down expectations.

Banks backpedal on climate amid federal scrutiny, anti-ESG pressure
–– And primal desire to foul planet.

Why designers are rethinking the toilet
–– Have heads up their asses.

Foremost Group CEO Angela Chao died after car went into Texas pond, sheriff says
–– Chao down.

Pamela Salem, Miss Moneypenny in Bond movie ‘Never Say Never Again,’ dead at 80
–– Never again.