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Haley Fellow Well Met
Week of 01/26/24

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Haley on DeSantis’s Withdrawal: ‘May the Best Woman Win’
–– Referring to bitch Trump?

Hamas eyes post-war role in Palestinian politics
–– As tunnel-filler?

Attorney Says He Quit Trump's Legal Team Because 'I Had To Follow My Compass’
–– Goin' south.

DeSantis ends 2024 presidential campaign and endorses Trump
–– Eats crow with sauce de merde on live TV.

DeSantis Once Led Trump In The Polls: Here’s How His Campaign Collapsed
–– He campaigned.

"Embarrassing": Ron DeSantis mocked for dropping out with fake Winston Churchill quote
–– ‘Never in the field of human conflict was so much been owed by so many to so confused.’

Haley Hits Trump on Age, Suggesting He Is ‘in Decline’
–– What’s her excuse?

Haley questions Trump’s mental fitness, citing New Hampshire rally flub
–– And physical fitness, citing flab?

Jury finds Trump must pay $83.3 million to E. Jean Carroll
–– Defame is de name of de game.

Stefanik pushes back on reports Trump mixed up Haley, Pelosi
–– Charges media with elder abuse.

‘Disturbed person’ thrown out of New Hampshire Trump rally after storming the stage
–– Not Trump?

Navarro Is Sentenced to 4 Months in Prison for Stonewalling Congress in Jan. 6 Inquiry
–– Stonewall jackass.

OpenAI suspends bot developer for presidential hopeful Dean Phillips
–– Created virtual impression someone besides Yang, Ackman would vote for him.

Sen. Tim Scott Announces Engagement To Mindy Noce, And Marjorie Taylor Greene Approves
–– Serves media Noce.

Credit card statements show Trump special prosecutor appointed by Georgia DA Fani Willis bought her plane tickets
–– Didn't give flying f**k about law.

Fani Willis ally pushes for election interference case prosecutor to step aside
–– Needs to acknowledge she has Wade problem.

Could Georgia's Fani Willis be removed from prosecuting Donald Trump?
–– Willis nilly.

Kari Lake just successfully pushed out Arizona's top Republican Party official after he allegedly tried to bribe her to stay out of politics
–– Lake eerie.

Supreme Court allows federal agents to cut razor wire Texas installed on US-Mexico border
–– Suggests it be installed in State House bathroom stalls.

Wayne LaPierre's brain is shrinking, and he is too ill to commit to all-day testimony in his NRA corruption trial, new court filing says
–– How could it get any smaller?

Oliver North says NRA reacted to misconduct allegations like a 'circular firing squad’
–– Those gun nuts shouldn't miss.

Fetterman rejects top Democrat's attempted crackdown on Zyn: 'On the side of more freedom’
–– Zyn city.

The Media Is Melting Down, and Neither Billionaires Nor Journalists Can Seem to Stop It
–– News normal.

Opinion: What the West gets wrong on Stalin and Putin
–– Basically nice guys.

Freezing Russians forced to cook their meals in the street
–– Serve cold cuts.

Russia’s relentless ‘meat assaults’ are wearing down outmanned and outgunned Ukrainian forces
–– And leaving them hungry for missing sausage.

A Ukrainian soldier says he escaped from behind enemy lines hidden inside a sofa
–– Avoided pillow talk.

Top UN court says Israel must take ‘all measures’ to prevent genocide in Gaza but stops short of calling for ceasefire
–– Invokes ‘play nice’ precedent.

State Dept. pauses funding for UN agency amid allegations employees involved in Israel attack
–– Asks employees to take ‘all measures’ to not abet in murder of Jews but stops short of halting calls for genocide.

How Hamas leader Yahya Sinwar stays one step ahead of the Israeli military
–– Taunts them with ‘nayha nayha!

As Gaza deaths top 25,000, Hamas defends attacks that sparked war
–– Occupancy, occupants rates way down.

Qatar, a key mediator in sensitive Israel-Hamas talks, lashes out at Netanyahu over critical remarks
–– Qatar some slack.

New York Times, NPR and Others Left Out That Israeli Official Was Talking About Hamas, Not Gaza
–– Not Bibilievers.

Chair of Harvard’s new antisemitism task force accused of antisemitism
–– Doctor heal thyself.

Palestinian restaurant Ayat to throw free sabbath dinner after backlash over ‘river to the sea’ menu listing
–– Jewish customers, 'Zion us up!'

Over 1 million rally in Germany against rising power of far-right party
–– Heil be damned.

Russia’s top diplomat accuses US, South Korea and Japan of preparing for war with North Korea
–– How dare they plan defense against madman who threatens nuclear Armageddon weekly!

They Got Hard Labor in a North Korean Prison. Their Crime? Watching K-Dramas
–– Watching not punishment enough?

Kim Jong Un admits lack of 'basic living necessities' is 'serious political issue' in North Korea
–– Blames non-evil twin.

South Korean lawmaker is injured in an attack weeks after the opposition leader was stabbed
–– In pointed argument.

Anna Wintour Kept Her Sunglasses On the Entire Time She Was Telling Pitchfork Staffers They Were Getting Laid Off, Writer Says
–– Left off horns, pointy tail?

The Los Angeles Times plunges into ‘chaos’ as brutal layoffs loom and senior editors call it quits
–– Now LA Weakly.

Whoopi Goldberg Says Margot Robbie and Greta Gerwig Weren’t Snubbed by the Oscars: ‘There Are No Snubs…Not Everybody Gets a Prize’
–– Snub knows revolver.

A New ‘Barbie’ Book Will Reveal Margot Robbie’s Never-Before-Seen Press Tour Looks, Rare Mattel Photos and More
–– Comes with plastic glasses that filter out pink.

Elle King Says She Was ‘F–king Hammered’ at Grand Ole Opry, Venue Issues Apology
–– Would had to have been in that state to attend.

Netflix Shelves Halle Berry’s ‘The Mothership’
–– Berry it.

Jacqueline Novak’s Netflix special is a manifesto on sex and power
–– Y’know, comedy.

John Oliver Surprised by Jon Stewart’s ‘Daily Show’ Return: It Will ‘Be Very Exciting to See Jon Again in an Election Year’
–– Olivers twits.

Razzie nominations led by ‘Expend4bles’
–– Sly f**ks.

Martin Scorsese, Robbie Robertson to Receive Spirit of Collaboration Award at Society of Composers and Lyricists Awards
–– Robertson dying for honor.

Met Opera Taps Its Endowment Again to Weather Downturn
–– Broke into song.

Prince Harry accuses John Travolta of 'dining out' on dance with Princess Diana
–– After gorging on never-ending buffet of pity as motherless son.

Don’t play Rule, Britannia at Proms, says Prince Harry and Meghan cellist
–– Suggests theme from Suits instead.

‘Wide right’: The two words that haunt Buffalo Bills fans
–– Along with 'child support.'

Why is almost no team interested in Bill Belichick?
–– Because Tom Brady retired.

A Chinese man who chain-smoked his way through a marathon was disqualified for smoking on the course
–– Huffing and puffing.

In-N-Out has never closed a location, until now. It cites crime as the problem
–– Out-N-Out.

How meat and milk companies are racing to ease your climate guilt
–– They can slow down, we have none.

I've been a bartender for over 10 years. Here are 11 things I wish customers would stop doing.
–– 8. Wrapping selves around telephone poles after running down children.

Saudi Arabia, a country where you can be publicly whipped for drinking alcohol, is opening its first liquor store, report says
–– Knuckles rapped with each purchase.

Plumber finds 20 bones while digging under bathroom: ‘Never seen anything like it’
–– Realtor claimed house had good bones.

Americans Can’t Decide What It Means to Grow Up
–– Have to consult influencers first.

Neuroscience Says This Is the 1 Thing Everyone Should Do as Soon as They Wake Up in the Morning
–– Breath.

Opinion | How tens of thousands of Black U.S. doctors simply vanished
–– Moved practices to TV.

Record rate of female chief executive departures blamed on ‘tall poppy syndrome’
–– What’s height of daddy?

What the Ultrarich Wear to the Grocery Store
–– Tom Food? Bodega Veneta? Jimmy Chew? Moschino Cherry? Michael Quarts? Deli & Gabbana? Bluberry? Manolo Beetnik? Alexander McCream? Taco Rabanne? Oscar de la Raisin?

Nvidia's Jensen Huang sheds his biker chic look to dance in a red floral vest during a visit to China
–– Thanks for keeping us up on billo chic.

Starbucks Fires Hero Baristas Who Prevented Armed Robbery
–– Got to Vente anger.

Tech CEO falls to his death in front of horrified employees at company party in India
–– Company and he will need new head.

San Francisco's largest mall loses more retailers as exodus continues
–– Police weigh 'stop and Frisco' policy.

Billionaire Joe Lewis says he's 'embarrassed' by knowingly committing securities fraud after pleading guilty to the crime
–– Or unknowingly getting caught?

Sandy Hook denier Alex Jones eyes late March bankruptcy exit
–– Through his protuberant, rolling, bloodshot orbs.

Couple’s Wedding Is Canceled After Bride Is Caught Having an Affair with Groom's Uncle
–– On altar!

Americans Looking for Love Are Getting Killed by Gangs in Colombia
–– Meeting on eHarmin’me.

They met on a dating app in Bogota. He woke up dizzy and without his passport the next day
–– In unrelated stories.

Colorado pastor accused of pocketing $1.3M in crypto scheme says 'Lord told us to’
–– ‘Buts the devil made me do it!’

Police arrest California woman for allegedly stealing 65 Stanley cups
–– Was feeling puckish.

Alabama parents reportedly spent $3,000 to get their 16-year-old every variety of Stanley Cup
–– Called for icing.

An Alabama prisoner will soon become the first in the US to be executed by nitrogen gas. Veterinarians won't even use the method on most animals.
–– State might add hit of nitrous oxide so he exits laughing.

Alabama Carries Out First U.S. Execution by Nitrogen
–– Remains to fertilize prison garden.

Three men were found dead outside a Kansas City home after watching the Chiefs. Two weeks later, it’s still not clear what killed them
–– If the house is 48 minutes from Arrowhead Stadium driving at an average speed of 35 mph, how many points did the Chiefs score?

Parents of Kansas City Chiefs fan found dead think victims 'saw something they shouldn't have seen’
–– Was game that bad?

Ted Bundy tried to kill her, but she survived. Here's the one thing she's sick of being asked.
–– ‘Were you ever able to laugh at Al Bundy in Married With Children?'

Angry driver follows motorcyclist home, Florida cops say. ‘I’m going to run you over’
–– Regrets decision –– realizes it would’ve been easier on open road.

Man, dog found in car likely died of carbon monoxide poisoning, Arlington police say
–– Doesn’t explain pants around ankles.

Excessively farting passenger forces American Airlines flight to turn around
–– Wow, that’s lot of G-force.

Is your dog autistic? Expert sheds light on the exceptional mind of the Border collie
–– Wanna pay us big bucks to find out?

Majority of land hermit crab species now use trash for shells
–– Outgoing crabs share whole dump.

Leading Museums Remove Native Displays Amid New Federal Rules
–– Which deepens understanding, appreciation, respect of native culture how?

Controversial study claims megalodon didn't look like a 50-foot giant great white shark
–– How drunk would you need to be to have that debate?

14,000-year-old tusk offers clues about the relationship between early Alaskans and woolly mammoths
–– Might’ve been purely sexual.

Ex-Google CEO Eric Schmidt quietly created a company called White Stork, which plans to build AI-powered attack drones, report says
–– Targeting Bing HQ.

The U.S. just sold its helium stockpile. Here’s why the medical world is worried.
–– Government says fears are inflated.

Japan Becomes the Latest Country to Land on the Moon
–– Providing Sailor, Luna base.

Japan Explains How It Made an Upside-Down Moon Landing
–– Used this recipe.

Ingenuity, the NASA Helicopter Flying Over Mars, Ends Its Mission
–– Not so clever after all.

They Abducted a River in California. And It Wasn’t Even a Crime.
–– Keeping under lock and key.

Frost quakes’ were felt around Chicago this week. Here’s what scientists do and don’t know about the seismic phenomenon
–– Weather Channel made up.

Carl Andre, austere sculptor and minimalist pioneer, dies at 88
–– Grave to be marked by pebble.

Charles Fried, legal scholar who bridged law and ethics, dies at 88
–– Fried at last.

Singer Melanie, Who Performed at Woodstock and Had Hits Such as “Brand New Key,” Dies at 76
–– Melaniecholy.

Norman Jewison, Director of ‘In the Heat of the Night’ and ‘Moonstruck,’ Dies at 97
–– Snaps out of it.