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Week of 03/15/24

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Satirical photo-illustration of an Asian woman with her face covered by a smartphone with the TikTok symbol on its back. The top of her head is sawed off exposing her brains and Winnie the Pooh, representing Chairman Xi Jinping's China is scooping out the matter to eat as he says, "I'll just have a smackerel!" House Passes Bill to Force TikTok Sale From Chinese Owner or Ban the App
–– And jail all influencers. No?!

Pence says he won't endorse Trump in 2024 race
–– And won’t campaign for famine, pestilence.

Biden says he never meant to keep classified documents. Hur stands by report on president's memory
–– Forget-me nuts.

“Can’t make it up”: Experts say transcript shows special counsel Robert Hur “lied” about Biden
–– Him said/Hur said.

Transcript of Biden's interview with Robert Hur shows the president cracked jokes about his wife and mimicked car sounds
–– Detours down memory lane.

As Biden Impeachment Flails, House Republicans Explore Criminal Referrals
–– And short-sheeting Joe.

Yahoo News/YouGov poll: 'Dread' tops list of Americans' feelings about 2024 election — but 'optimism' is growing
–– Further evidence polls should be banned until election eve.

Opinion | Biden is learning that being progressive is good policy — and good politics
–– In places he can’t lose.

Chubb CEO defends underwriting Trump’s bond in Carroll case: ‘We don’t take sides’
–– ‘It’s just that autocratic traitors give us chubbies.’

Fani Willis can stay on Trump Georgia case, judge rules, as Wade resigns
–– Takes wad, goes home.

Georgia judge drops some charges — but experts say it could be a bad sign for Trump
–– Trump has had more 'bad signs' than Tyler Henry.

Trump Says ‘100 Percent of the Black People Should Vote for Trump’
–– The Black people: '100 percent of MAGA should f**k selves.'

Donald Trump Suggests Cutting Retirement Programs In Incoherent Ramble
–– Ramblin' Jerk Idiot.

Trump: ‘Some people that I didn’t think behaved properly’ ruled out from VP consideration
–– Didn’t come in low enough when kissing ass.

Tulsi Gabbard Tells Donald Trump Jr. How Badly She Wants To Be His Dad's Running Mate
–– Promises to get down on all fours.

Melania Trump Will Always Choose Son Barron over Politics: 'She Dislikes a Petting Zoo' (Exclusive)
–– So doesn’t visit Eric.

Fox News Confronts Katie Britt on Falsely Connecting Biden to Sex-Trafficking Story
–– True Britt.

Ex-Trump adviser Peter Navarro ordered to report to jail on March 19
–– Why not send all conspirators to Mar-a-Lago and seal off?

Trump Gives Rambling Answer on Why He Backtracked on a TikTok Ban
–– Potential Chinese payoffs.

After Orban says Trump won't fund Ukraine, Trump campaign says Europe should pay more of war costs
–– And there's this border wall they might be interested in financing.

Speaker Johnson: ‘There will probably be a change’ to motion to vacate next Congress
–– Even more vacant stares.

Ken Buck announces he is leaving Congress early, saying House has become ‘dysfunctional'
–– Buck’s trend.

R.N.C. Shutting Down Community Centers Aimed at Minority Outreach
–– Had reach of T-Rex.

RFK Jr. slams Biden’s State of the Union address as ‘hyper-partisan’
–– No outreach to lunatic Left.

Lawmakers want to help California be happy
–– Agree to mass resignation.

Justices Barrett and Sotomayor urge Americans to tone down political rhetoric despite charged atmosphere
–– They helped create.

Brett Kavanaugh knows truth of alleged sexual assault, Christine Blasey Ford says in book
–– Beer bully.

The Supreme Court’s puzzling decision to allow the government to ban drag shows, explained
–– Even as male justices add buit-in bras, border frill, boas to robes.

Schumer Urges New Leadership in Israel, Calling Netanyahu an Obstacle to Peace
–– Has no aliBibi for crimes.

Families of US troops in shock as they deploy to Gaza coast to build emergency pier
–– Hadn’t listened to any news, watched SOTU?

Gaza aid reaches shore in first sea delivery
–– Sea-rations?

Putin Employs Forceful Carrot And Stick Approach To Get People Voting In Russia's Election
–– Warning carrots will be hammered into orifices with sticks.

Why Everything Changed in Haiti: The Gangs United
–– Singing We Are the World.

Irish government loses public votes to update ‘sexist’ constitution
–– Alass.

China Nobel prize winner tarred as one of ‘three new evils’ amid rise in nationalist fervour
–– Along with Dr. No, Fu Manchu?

Don Lemon says Elon Musk canceled his deal with X after ‘tense’ interview
–– Polished off Lemon pledge?

“Isn’t It Past Your Jail Time?”: Jimmy Kimmel Gets In A Dig At Donald Trump After Former President Calls Him Worst Oscars Host
–– Oscar mire winner.

Jimmy Kimmel says he was told not to read real Donald Trump message at Oscars: 'Yes, I am’
–– Never turn down perfect set-up.

Robert De Niro slams Trump as likely GOP nominee: ‘The guy is a total monster’
–– Raging bile.

“The View” cohost Ana Navarro says Messi the dog was 'better behaved than Will Smith' at Oscars
–– Yes, peed on Damon’s star, not self.

Al Pacino’s brief best picture Oscar presentation was not a flub. It was a ‘predetermined creative decision’
–– And we’re Michael Corleone.

Controversy Grows After ‘Zone of Interest’ Director Jonathan Glazer Uses Oscar Speech to Condemn the Israel-Hamas War
–– Overlaps our zone of disinterest.

Revisit the Tom Hanks Oscars acceptance speech that Spielberg called ‘incredible’
–– We didn’t believe him either.

Michael Imperioli Escorts Climate Protestors Out of Broadway's 'An Enemy of the People’
–– Wished he could call Tony Soprano to whack.

‘Star Wars’ Child Actor in Mental Health Rehab Following “Psychotic Break,” Mother Says
–– Was in 'galaxy far, far away.'

Razzie Awards: Megan Fox and Sylvester Stallone Win Worst Acting Prizes; ‘Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey’ Nabs Five Dishonors
–– Roo its existence.

Oscars 2025: First Blind Predictions Include Lady Gaga, Zendaya, Saoirse Ronan and More Promising Superstars
–– And deaf, dumb.

Oliver Stone: Charges against Trump are ‘ridiculous'
–– Or perfect basis for one of your ‘asinine’ screenplays.

Matthew Perry’s stepfather says ‘Friends’ star ‘felt like he was beating’ addiction
–– To grave.

Lily Allen says having children ‘ruined’ her career
–– We’ll send ‘thank you’ note.

Kanye West Just Stands There While Pre-Released Music Plays During Headlining Rolling Loud Festival ‘Performance'
–– Lip sunk.

Carol Burnett Reveals Which Trendy Cocktail She Prefers at Age 90
–– Anything with splash of embalming fluid.

Moviegoer Arrested After Lewd Sexual Behavior During 'Love Lies Bleeding' Screening in Detroit
–– Love lies beating off.

‘Maybe everybody feels socially awkward’: the standups turning being autistic into a comedy superpower
–– How about editor who wrote this subhead: 'What is it about standup that lends itself so well to neurodivergent people?'

Adult Film Icon Rocco Siffredi on Netflix’s ‘Supersex’: “I Was Born to Do Porn”
–– Little Rocco in trousers, “Me? I’m-a tired.”

Pornhub Pulls Out of Texas as Age-Verification Law Leads Users to Seek Workarounds
–– For reach-arounds.

Jennifer Garner Shares 34-Year Throwback to When She Was a Teen Ballerina: 'Take a Time Machine’
–– And go anywhere else.

Kate Middleton’s Story Is About So Much More Than Kate Middleton
–– It's about very essence if meaningless celebrity.

King Willem-Alexander Pokes Fun at Kate Middleton Photo-Editing Saga
–– Willem da foe.

Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, says she experienced ‘cruel’ bullying and abuse during her pregnancies
–– And that was just from gyno.

See-Through Baseball Pants Have Fans, and Brands, Pointing Fingers
–– Players other appendages.

Simone Biles Shares Loved-Up Beach Photos with Husband Jonathan Owens: ‘If Home Was a Person’
–– ‘He’d be dog house.’

Picasso tried to ruin his ex’s career. The Picasso Museum will show her art.
–– And ruin museum.

Françoise Gilot's Artistic Career Persisted Long After She Left Picasso. Now, She's Getting an Exhibition in Paris
–– Like low-grade sinus infection.

Heirs Awarded Nazi-Looted Art Are Still Waiting, 17 Years Later
–– Do Nazi it.

The rarest US stamp is going up for auction. It’s expected to sell for millions
–– Lotsa lick.

22 of the Funniest Novels Since ‘Catch-22
–– So ‘Catch 22!’?

Overwhelmed by subscriptions? Here are 8 tips to save money.
–– 1. Cancel them.

The Woman Who Tried to Make Porn Safe for Feminism
–– Pussy riot.

Literary Magazine Retracts Israeli Writer’s Essay as Staffers Quit
–– There’s no flake like a snowflake.

They Sell Candy Instead of Going to School. New York Isn’t Stopping Them.
–– Adams mandates transit cops buy at least candy bar.

Children in Brazil are climbing 70-foot-high trees so you can eat açaí berries
–– Um, obrigado?

If you visit an Irish pub this St. Patrick’s Day, chances are good it has one of these names
–– Paddy waggin'.

7 St. Patrick’s Day recipes, including stew, shepherd’s pie and coffee
–– Other 6 are beer.

‘Like eating a Gucci handbag’: How an exotic fruit once became the pinnacle of luxury
–– With pineapple in it?

McDonald’s Crashed? Outages Reported at the Fast-Food Chain’s Outlets Around the World
–– Crashed like your GI tract?

Potato chips add savory, salty flavor to these 5 recipes
–– Dish sucks if you need to toss chips in it.

16 pistachio recipes that will satisfy any craving
–– For pistachio.

Spring break in Miami Beach: Breaking up is hard to do
–– Art dick-o.

Realtor settlement on commission-fixing could create seismic changes in how Americans buy homes
–– Especially ones built on fault lines.

You’ve Got Too Much Stuff. 3 Smart Ways to Declutter Your Home by 2024
–– 1. Arson.

What’s behind the rapid increase in car insurance rates
–– Greed in overdrive.

World’s oldest known lipstick found in Iran — a country that banned makeup
–– This Week in 'Almost Ironic.'

See farm dog's daily struggle to wake up and go to work
–– Lazy bitch.

Horror as dog owner discovers source of “little yellow dots” on couch
–– Didn't know they made

Study finds that spending time with a dog really does help you relax
–– Unless they have fleas.

The great American llama (and ostrich and emu) collapse
–– We told them exotic animal rides at fat farm wouldn’t work.

Brazil to release millions of anti-dengue mosquitoes as death toll from outbreak mounts
–– With itsy-bitsy ‘Down With Dengue’ placards.

100-year-old giant alligator snapping turtle disappears on North Carolina highway to reptile expo
–– Snail witness: ‘It all happened so fast.’

Researchers present the world's oldest long-necked marine reptile
–– Which bows deeply, licks own backside.

Want a more sustainable meat for the grill? Try a 13-foot python steak.
–– Meal crushes it.

I Always Knew I Was Different. I Just Didn’t Know I Was a Sociopath.
–– Hostage shackled in basement told me.

A funeral home worker tracked down a family — and uncovered a decades-old secret
–– He was at home drumming up business?

A police officer took a 14-year-old girl for a rape kit. Then he assaulted her, too.
–– Only way victim can get one?

Cold water immersion benefits are not backed by quality science, report says
–– Just grade-A masochism.

Shells From Captain Cook's Final Voyage Were Rescued From a Dumpster
–– Conch’s out.

Archaeologists Found an Extraordinary Pyramid That’s Apparently 27,000 Years Old
–– Have to have pointy head to buy 'apparent' archaeological dates.

Ötzi The Iceman's Tattoos Recreated On Living Skin To Discover How They Were Made
–– Researcher real Ötzi-Tötzi.

New framework embraces uncertainty to make sense of history
–– We embrace vast skepticism to make sense of it.

SpaceX’s Starship makes it into space but is lost during reentry
–– Pissed point of no return.

In Minnesota, Researchers Are Moving Trees Farther North to Save Forests
–– Into affordable tree houses.

A New Surge in Power Use Is Threatening U.S. Climate Goals
–– AC dizzy.

COVID-19 more likely originated from a lab than animals, bold new study claims
–– Bold because it confirmed what everybody assumed?

‘General Hospital’ Actress Robyn Bernard Found Dead in Open Field
–– After tackle?

Billionaire Dies After Accidentally Backing Tesla Into Pond
–– Lacked reverse discrimination.

’Polio Paul,’ who spent most of the past 70 years in an iron lung, dies at 78
–– Breathes last.

Joe Camp, Creator and Director of ‘Benji’ Films, Dies at 84
–– Camp out.

Malachy McCourt, Actor, Memoirist and Gadabout, Dies at 92
–– McCourt short.

Gerald M. Levin, Time Warner Chief in a Merger Debacle, Dies at 84
–– UnLevined.