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Week of 03/08/24

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Satirical photo-illustration of President Joe Biden as the character Beetlejuce giving his State of the Union Address to the 118th Congress with Vice President Kamala Harris and House Speaker Mike Johnson sitting behind him. The words Biden Juice appear above him three times like the incantation from the movie and the comically demonic Biden is saying' It's Showtime!'Biden uses feisty State of the Union to contrast with Trump, sell voters on a second term
–– Insists he can put them in old soft shoe.

Trump confuses Obama for Biden again at Virginia rally speech
–– Proving he's color-blind or just blind.

Opinion Mike Johnson asked for ‘decorum.’ Republicans ignored him.
–– MTG texted name of her interior decorator.

Mike Johnson's Puzzling Facial Expressions Are The Meme Of The Night At SOTU Address
–– Like watching Pluto trying to read Plato.

Trump says he’s going to do a ‘Play by Play’ of State of the Union
–– Like Vin Scummy.

Disaster for Trump as Truth Social Crashes at Critical SOTU Moment
–– Rat on wheel powering server died.

Father of Marine killed in 2021 suicide bomb attack at Afghanistan's Kabul airport arrested at SOTU
–– Only attendee who earned rage.

Who is Katie Britt? What to know about the GOP senator delivering the State of the Union rebuttal
–– True Britt.

Republicans baffled by Katie Britt’s State of the Union response: ‘One of our biggest disasters’
–– Britt ick land.

Majority of Biden’s 2020 Voters Now Say He’s Too Old to Be Effective
–– And Trump too vile to be believed?

Bill Maher Skewers Biden: ‘Let Your Old Fart Flag Fly’
–– One made from worn red union suit.

Joe Biden’s Superfans Think the Rest of America Has Lost Its Mind
–– Only his superfans?

Biden has canceled $138 billion in student loans. Some say it’s not enough.
–– How political wins are reported these days.

Special counsel report concludes Biden willfully retained classified information but will not face charges
–– After SOTU, report confirms Special Counsel willfully retained grudge, smeared POTUS.

‘Losers are never graceful:' Biden warns Trump won't concede
–– Neither old man exactly Baryshnikov.

Trump claims he "purposely" lost D.C. primary while fuming over Nikki Haley on Truth Social
–– Is still laying out theory he 'intentioanally' allowed 2020 voter fraud.

Byron Donalds Moves the Goalposts for Being Trump’s VP, Suggests He Wouldn’t Certify 2028 Election If Asked
–– Rejects Senator Palpatine’s results on Naboo outright.

Trump Ally and Daughter-in-Law Officially Take Over R.N.C. Leadership
–– FInalize contract which funnels all merch profits to Trump Defense Fund.

Mitch McConnell Calls Idea Of Term Limits For GOP Senate Leaders ‘Totally Inappropriate’
–– Insists he'd tell Minority Leader if he knew him.

GOP Sen. Mullin suggests Trump’s involvement in race for McConnell’s replacement would be a ‘lose-lose situation’
–– We’d throw in couple of ‘loses.’

Senate Republican says McConnell successor needs to ‘stand his own ground’ on Trump
–– In pool of own pee.

"How humiliating": Mitch McConnell endorses Trump despite years of attacks
–– Can't remember condemantions, but can still knit socks in Hell.

Melania Trump's Continued Absence on the Donald Trump Campaign Trail Is Becoming a PR Problem
–– Why? He’ll never campaign in Puerto Rico.

Melania Trump’s Former Aide Explains Why She Skipped Her Husband’s Super Tuesday Victory Party
–– ‘She hates his f**king guts.’

Trump secures $91 million bond for judgment in E. Jean Carroll defamation case
–– Funds he had earmarked for feeding poor, building affordable housing.

Special counsel asks Judge Cannon to label Trump’s immunity claim in classified documents as ‘frivolous’
–– ’Inane’, ‘picayune’, ‘shit-headed.’

Trump calls GOP candidate with a history of offensive remarks 'Martin Luther King on steroids’
–– Cause of enlarged head, uncontrolled rage, shrunken testes?

"They’ve told me he’s Jesus": Unpacking Trump's empty pseudo-religion
–– Who? Insane voices in your head?

The View’s Joy Behar Says Trump’s Last Push-Up ‘Was on Top of Stormy Daniels’
–– With ample padding.

Kinzinger blasts Trump for calling US third-world country: ‘Eat dirt scumbag’
–– Adds, 'eat scum dirtbag.'

Mayorkas slams Texas Gov. Abbott for saying Biden should use executive authority on border
–– Should be with migrant bus.

RFK Jr. bizarrely defends Jeffrey Epstein meetings by listing other “sexual predators” he met
–– Recounts convo with Humbert Humbert.

Navy demoted Ronny Jackson after probe into White House behavior
–– And insistence of 56-year-old physician, now-former Rear Admiral to still call self Ronny.

Third-party group No Labels is expected to move forward with a 2024 campaign, AP sources say
–– We can provide label: ‘Kick me.’

Protester thrown to the ground after calling Joe Manchin "a sick f**k" to his face
–– Dishonoarable Manchin.

Katie Porter, a Rising Star in Congress, Finds Herself Without Another Seat
–– Nothing but endless adulatory press clippings to lean on.

Ken Buck says he’s ‘not going to lie’ on behalf of GOP
–– Party passes Buck.

George Santos announces he’s running for Congress again
–– Santos promises he’s ‘going to lie’ on behalf of self.

Republicans Just Nominated a Conspiracy Theorist Who Compared Gay People to Maggots
–– And who’s skull, ironically, is full of them.

Rubio, Florida lawmakers ask Biden for $725 million for Everglades restoration
–– Protecting GOP's reptilian base.

Philly LGBT Affairs executive director yells, ‘I work for the mayor,’ as she films her and her husband’s arrest
–– Cop didn't reply, 'Me too?'

U.N. Says Inquiry Finds Evidence of Sexual Assault in Hamas-Led Attack on Israel
–– But of ‘possibly justifiable anti-colonialist variety.’

How the U.S. military will use a floating pier to deliver Gaza aid
–– What's up dock?

Responding to subpoena, Harvard describes efforts to fight antisemitism
–– ‘Minimal.’

Girl Scouts were told to stop bracelet-making fundraiser for kids in Gaza. Now they can't keep up
–– Were allowed to knit handcuffs for Hamas members.

'They messed it up': Biden's backing for Haiti's unpopular leader digs US into deeper policy hole
–– Haiti messed up way before Biden.

Honduran ex-president convicted of helping send tons of cocaine to U.S.
–– Talk about high crimes.

Embattled ABC News president Kim Godwin told staffers she's 'still in charge' after effective demotion: sources
–– Broadcasting from ham set at home.

Dakota Johnson on ‘Madame Web’ Blowback: “I’ll Never Do Anything Like It Again”
–– We're hoping she means act.

How to Grow Old Like Isabella Rossellini
–– Start with her genes.

Martin Scorsese, Daniel Day-Lewis Reunite at National Board of Review Awards: ‘Maybe There’s Time for One More’ Film Together
–– Ventriloquist routine with Scorsese on knee killed.

Rihanna ripped for ‘lazy’ performance at Indian billionaire’s bash despite ‘being paid $6M’: ‘She’s a scammer’
–– Can you scam scum?

Sarayu Blue Is Pristine on ‘Expats’ but ‘Such a Little Weirdo’ IRL
–– WTF's editing NY Times IRL?

Mr. Darcy's Famous Wet Shirt Sells for $25,000
–– Buyer to provide own dampness.

Harvey Guillén Says He’s Optimistic Disney Could Develop a Queer Princess Soon
–– Not a queen?

‘Back To The Future’ Actor Crispin Glover Files Restraining Order Against His Ex
–– Should be grateful anyone wants to pester him.

Camila Cabello Is a 'Proponent' of Breakup Sex: 'Do It Until It's Out of Your System’
–– Also fan of douching, apparently.

A man wanted to see ‘Dune 2’ before he died. The director sent his laptop.
–– Laptop hated it.

The ‘Dune’ Popcorn Bucket and the Golden Age of Movie Merch
–– If you have case of carpet munchies.

Millie Bobby Brown Rewatches Stranger Things, Enola Holmes, Damsel & More
–– We get it, she's narcissist.

Jelly Roll's Wife Bunnie XO Marks 1-Year Anniversary of Leaving Sex Work: 'I Was So Scared to Let Go’
–– Don’t tell us of what.

Bethenny Frankel Shares How She Stays 'So Thin': 'I Never Eat to the Point Where I’m Full’
–– ‘Except of diet pills.’

Sofia Boutella Says It Was ‘Hard’ Seeing Zack Snyder’s ‘Rebel Moon’ Get ‘Demolished’ by Film Critics: It’s a Movie ‘I Will Defend Forever’
–– Critics: ‘It was hard seeing Zack Snyder’s Rebel Moon.’

Shirley MacLaine says Hollywood is ‘100% different’ today: ‘The glamour’s gone out of it, I'm afraid’
–– What a way to go!

Pierce Brosnan Thinks Cillian Murphy Would Make a 'Magnificent' James Bond
–– In lifts.

Julianne Moore, Michael Douglas, Emma Thompson and More Join Campaign Against Nuclear Weapons Following ‘Oppenheimer’ Success
–– In detonating one?

Leslie Jones Unleashes Fiery Take On Who's To Blame For The Current State Of The U.S.
–– And we were just about to ask…

Albania's Crown Prince Leka claims estranged wife Princess Elia, her father attacked him with 'strong objects' amid divorce
–– Lies in a Leka his own.

Princess Diana had to deal with Sam Neill's son farting next to her at 'Jurassic Park' premiere
–– Little stinkosaur.

Charles Barkley Says He Will 'Punch' Any Black Person He Sees Wearing Donald Trump's Mugshot
–– So he can get his own?

Jason Kelce had Eagles trainer who's fighting cancer tape his ankles for retirement speech
–– Together!

Caitlin Clark's potential WNBA contract might come as a surprise, and not a positive one
–– Because you thought league with 6% of NBA’s revenue pays same?

Maryland women pass first postseason test at the Big Ten tournament
–– Scored 75 on exam.

Elon Musk is lashing out at MacKenzie Scott, Jeff Bezos' ex, for donating billions to charities for women and minorities
–– Minorities that did not include mentally-ill white South African billionaires.

Why Costco is selling gold bars and silver coins
–– In 24-count variety packs.

Next Time You Eat Out, Make Sure You're NOT Doing These 21 Things Restaurant Workers Hate
–– Thanks for 21 ways to torture lousy waitstaffs.

Shuttered restaurants, burgers uneaten: why vegan products are being left on the shelf
–– They taste like shelf.

How worried should we be about the Drunk Elephant tweens?
–– Only if you're riding one.

Mexico got rid of daylight saving time. Should the U.S. end it, too?
–– And extend Happy Hour with 1/2 off margaritas?

Inside the 'strange mix' of passengers on an all-nude cruise: '60% unattractive’
–– Like mismatched testicles.

She missed her flight to extend her Italy vacation romance. Here’s what happened next
–– Moon hit her eye like a big pizza pie.

Opinion | Women are divorcing — and finally finding happiness
–– Is what they’re telling selves?

I saw my therapist weekly for two years. Then he let slip he’d been watching me. Had he crossed a line?
–– He’d promised to keep eyes closed during sessions?

How psilocybin, the psychedelic in mushrooms, may rewire the brain to ease depression, anxiety and more
–– Or just eff you up.

Single dose of LSD provides immediate and lasting relief from anxiety, study says
–– Trial participants’ only worry was if the floor was melting.

A runner saw a dog stuck near a 1,000-foot cliff. He carried her down.
–– The aisle!

7 Game-Changing Products For Dogs Who Hate Having Their Nails Trimmed
–– 4. Deluxe pawdicures.

‘No discernible nostrils’: Crufts in row over prizes for French bulldog
–– Don’t have to get sniffy about it.

Iditarod musher penalized for not sufficiently gutting moose he killed in ‘self-defense’
–– Even though moose described self as ‘gutted’ to judges.

Pennsylvania woman saw a bear jump a fence before it attacked and thought, 'This is it — I’m going to die’
–– Why was bear scared of her?

Fisherman attacked with harpoon after he and a friend argued about which man caught the bigger fish
–– Makes for whale of story.

Tesla’s “Apocalypse-Proof” Cybertruck Involved in Accident Near Beverly Hills Hotel
–– Not ‘asshole-proof.’

Woman dies after Brazilian butt lift procedure performed by Miami doctor who wasn't allowed to operate, lawsuit alleges
–– Cheeky devil.

Joe Rogan Guest Arrested After Discovery of Headless Torso in NYC: Cops
–– Only interested if at topless bar.

Lumberton police searching for person of interest in shooting outside of laundromat
–– Want assailant to come clean.

Gold ring found in Sweden about 500 years after "unlucky" person likely lost it
–– Found in petrified turd.

Ancient Iberians Ingested Red Dust Loaded With Mind-Altering Mercury
–– Took flight without plane.

A Scientist Says Humans Were Meant to Live So Much Longer––Then the Dinosaurs Ruined It
–– The monsters!

Pentagon report finds no evidence of alien visits, hidden spacecraft
–– Ample evidence of delusion, hidden weed.

Sensational claim of possible alien debris hits a science speed bump
–– Runs over Xenomorph.

The Arctic Might Be ‘Ice-Free’ Within A Decade
–– How’s that float your boat?

Jacob Rothschild, Banker Who Broke From His Fabled Family, Dies at 87
–– Anti-semitic conspiracy nuts mourn loss of trope.

Steve and Eydie co-founder Steve Lawrence dead at 88
–– Steve and weedy.