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Protected Specious
Week of 03/01/24

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Satirical photo-illustration of a large robed justice as from the Supreme Court holding a gavel and law book with Donald Trump hiding inside her garment and popping his head out to smile. Her face cannot be seen and on her chest with an arrow pointing down towards Trump are the words, "I'M WITH STUPID" referencing the decision by the Court to hear his plea for presidential immunity.Supreme Court's immunity hearing leaves prospect of pre-election Trump Jan. 6 trial in doubt
–– Like vaccine against elective Democracy.

Why Mitch McConnell Is Calling It Quits
–– Just remembered he was Minority Leader.

Opinion | Why Is Trump Getting Special Treatment From the Supreme Court?
–– Republican appointees offer fascist discount.

Biden says he’s sorry to hear McConnell stepping down: He ‘never misrepresented anything’
–– ‘While representing absolutely nothing.’

How the Biden-Trump Border Visits Revealed a Deeper Divide
–– Trump's bottomless mouth.

The secret to a long and happy marriage is ‘good sex’, says the 81-year-old Joe Biden
–– Which today constitutes tight hug, shot of warm milk.

Hunter Biden asks GOP: What about Jared Kushner?
–– They answer, 'Yeah, but he stole real money and didn't freebase it.'

Johnson reacts to being ganged up on at ‘intense’ White House meeting
–– Must always feel that way when size of garden gnome.

Trump prosecutor visited Fani Willis’s locality 35 times before hiring, records show
–– In latest slang for ‘hooha.’

‘Star witness’ says he can’t remember details of Wade-Willis relationship in Trump Georgia case
–– Or Wade's willie?

Hackers threaten to release Trump documents from Georgia case if they don't get a ransom by Thursday
–– Pay at troll booth.

E. Jean Carroll's lawyers demand Trump ponies up $83.3 million verdict and say he needs to prove he has the money
–– Their client evokes abuser Cuba Gooding Jr. by enacting his 'Show me the money' scene.

Rick Scott would ‘absolutely’ support convicted Trump for president
–– Would serve as Oval Office bitch if Trump sentenced to house arrest.

At CPAC, Trump Invokes Clashing Visions of America’s Future
–– In own head.

Nazis mingle openly at CPAC, spreading antisemitic conspiracy theories and finding allies
–– Heil fellows well met.

At CPAC, Steve Bannon Hosted the Only Party That Mattered
–– Why wasn’t it at Club Fed?

Trump forgot to name one of his kids during victory speech in South Carolina — despite them standing onstage with him
–– Jumping up, down, screaming, "Me, Eric, me!'

Melania Trump’s Time As First Lady Was Allegedly Spent Discussing Prenup With Her Lawyers
–– And primping.

University of Florida eliminates all DEI positions due to new state rules
–– DeSantis: ‘It feels like I totally won the Republican nomination!’

First Jan. 6 rioter to breach the Capitol spent months regurgitating Trump's election lies
–– Had really serious stomach ailment.

Trump: ‘Black People Like Me’ Because I ‘Got Indicted’
–– ‘And talking crazy doesn’t hurt either.’

Trump exchanges a close hug with Argentine President Javier Milei at conservative summit
–– Coiffes briefly caress.

Michael Steele warns of GOP being ground ‘into the dust of nothing’ over Trump support
–– 'And sprinkled into empty MAGA skulls.'

Graham said he hopes Trump picks Tim Scott for VP: ‘There’s some chemistry there’
–– ‘Makes me hard.’

Trump hired me to find election fraud in Arizona. Here's what I found instead
–– Biggest fraud who ever ran in U.S. election.

Lauren Boebert's son arrested on 22 charges — hours after she attacks "Biden Crime Family”
–– We noted hint of admiration in voice.

Police IDed Lauren Boebert's son from surveillance footage because he wore a hoodie bearing the name of his mom's shuttered gun-themed eatery
–– We know where he got brains from.

A victim in Tyler Boebert's alleged theft spree said she was going to use the money stolen from her to pay for a brain tumor surgery
–– Tyler: ‘Same reason I stole money for my mom!’

GOP House candidate JR Majewski refuses to drop out after disparaging Special Olympics athletes: 'I will not be threatened’
–– Eric Trump, ‘At least he mentioned me.’

RFK Jr. says he didn’t read Alabama IVF ruling, won’t say when life begins
–– Asks if IVF stands for Is Vax Fatal?

Dean Phillips says it's 'absurd' that Amy Klobuchar is running for reelection while comparing himself to Liz Cheney
–– As ‘preposterous’ as his presidential bid?

Marianne Williamson unsuspends her presidential campaign after placing 3rd in Michigan
–– Cuts it down from gallows

Sweden is set to join NATO: What to know about the military alliance
–– Just got more understatedly elegant.

Russia returns Navalny's body after his widow accused Putin of 'torturing' the political dissident's corpse
–– Putin: 'Is lie, but I must be admitting I was dying to bugger it.'

Alexey Navalny's funeral in Russia draws crowds to Moscow church despite tight security
–– Provides resistance cognitive dissidents.

Putin Says West Risks Nuclear Conflict if It Intervenes More in Ukraine
–– Dropping megatons of bullshit.

A breakaway region in Europe is asking Russia for protection. Here’s what to know
–– We didn't write name because Tirasol sounds like disinfectant.

Hungary’s Orbán to visit Trump at Mar-a-Lago next week
–– On Goulash archipelago.

Hamas Is Losing Every Battle in Gaza. It Still thinks It Can Win the War.
–– Same smarts that had them think October 7 massacre good idea.

Palestinian Authority gets a shake-up, but Abbas clings to power
–– 88-year-old Abbas gets shake-up to waken, inform him.

Airman who set self on fire grew up on religious compound, had anarchist past
–– In HS voted ‘Most Likely to Immolate.’

Veterans Burn Uniforms in Solidarity with Airman Who Died After Setting Himself on Fire to Protest Gaza War
–– Only impressive if they're in them.

Students tell House committee campus antisemitism causing 'climate of hatred,' 'fear'
–– From Gaza-stepping classmates.

After U.S. Strikes, Iran’s Proxies Scale Back Attacks on American Bases
–– Or, ‘Biden Solved Problem.’

Hungary approves Sweden’s NATO bid, unblocking historic expansion
–– Hungary for approval.

Tucker Carlson: Jon Stewart ‘a tool of the regime in a sinister way’
–– Carlson’s just tool.

Da’Vine Joy Randolph Jokes About Lack of Heated Seats in a Boston Winter While Filming ‘The Holdovers’ in Spirit Awards Acceptance Speech
–– How could we’ve missed that!

What is Gilbert syndrome? "Bachelor" star Joey Graziadei reveals reason for "yellow eyes"
–– What is Joey Graziadei?

Shogun’ Remake: This Time, the White Man Is Only One of the Stars
–– Fear Chalky Peril.

‘Avatar: The Last Airbender’ Stars on Bringing Animated Characters to Live Action: “We’re Weren’t Doing a Caricature”
–– You we’re were so!

‘Dune: Part Two’ Star Stellan Skarsgard Laughed Seeing Austin Butler as Feyd-Rautha: Butler ‘Really Enjoyed Being Evil’
–– Laughter is reaction you want trying to act evil.

Wendell Pierce to Play the Daily Planet's Perry White in 'Superman'
–– Pierce so.

Jet carrying Grammy-winning artist Karol G makes emergency landing
–– That’s chilling… she won Grammy.

Adult Film Star Knockout Claims Explicit Photos Used In Diddy Lawsuit Are Of Him, Not Stevie J
–– May we be excused from this scandal?

Wendy Williams' family says they don't know her exact location
–– When in same room.

Wendy Williams' guardianship is the subject of a new documentary. Here's how it works
–– You have no self-respect, you watch it.

Billie Eilish Says Dream About Christian Bale Made Her Realize She Had to Break Up With Boyfriend
–– Decided to Bale?

Wiz Khalifa Opens Up About Insane Amount of Joints He Smokes in a Day
–– Like bragger can remember.

Rihanna Performs Rare Fan Favorites for Billionaire's Private Wedding Party in India
–– How much did he have to pay to make her act like she gave s**t?

Forget the Pantless Trend—Emily Ratajkowski Has Moved on to the Shirtless Look
–– Already had brainless style down pat.

At Tate Modern’s Reimagining of Yoko Ono’s Oeuvre, the Beatles Are Beside the Point
–– As is artistic merit.

Prince Harry loses court challenge over loss of security protection
–– Suggests he take Aikido lessons from Steven Seagal.

Trump Attacks Prince Harry’s ‘Unforgivable’ Betrayal of Queen Elizabeth
–– 'Who I thought was a real GILF and he goes and marries that nasty actress.'

The conspiracy theories about Kate Middleton’s disappearance, explained
–– Conspiracists are lonely, bored aliens.

The talk of spring training this year? Somehow, it’s the pants.
–– Just like it was when reporters were all male.

Fairies, dragons and steamy sex scenes: ‘Romantasy’ books are the new must-reads
–– If there isn’t real book anywhere in house or on web.

Yale joins another Ivy League school to again require standardized test scores amid equity concern
— Put away color-coded prize wheel?

A widow unexpectedly received $1 billion of Berkshire Hathaway stock. Now, she's covering Bronx med students' tuition forever.
–– Great-grandkids apply to Albert Einstein College of Medicine to get share.

Americans have racked up a trillion dollars in credit card debt. That’s actually OK
–– For banks.

They Promoted Body Positivity. Then They Lost Weight.
–– Started praising followers’ ‘personalities.’

What a cold plunge actually does to the body
–– Major shrinkage.

‘Who TF Did I Marry?!?’ Rings in TikTok’s Midlife Crisis Era
–– What TF are you publishing, NY Times?!?

I’m Dying to Get Back in the Game After My Divorce, but This One Sex Move Is Holding me Back
–– Actually, after marriage, any sex move's alien.

Is Reverse Cowgirl the Most Feminist Sex Position Ever? Here’s What the Experts Say.
–– Like f**kin' bronco?

This Pope Francis calls for studies into 'ugly' gender theory
–– They: 'Who you calling ugly, old man?'

How Much Advil Is Too Much
–– Ask Dr. Pfizer.

Ozempic Could Power the Nation’s GDP, Goldman Says
–– Thin on evidence.

The reviled electric scooter is back. Does it deserve a second chance?
–– At eliminating dickish riders?

US government sues to block largest supermarket merger in history
–– Pileup in aisle nine.

KFC’s Chizza is a chicken-pizza mashup with one looming question: Why?
–– We prefer giblets-pizza mashup or Jizza.

Is menopause getting worse? Scientists say it is.
–– Now that they’re getting big bucks to study.

Is It Possible to Reverse the Dark Circles Under My Eyes?
–– Prefer them above?

How a brain "pacemaker" could treat severe depression
–– Will it keep thoughts from racing?

Step up your spring wardrobe with up to 50% off select styles at Allbirds
–– Missing one wing?

93% of women are stressed about money. Building a cash reserve can help, experts say
–– Wait, more money makes you less worried about having money?

I’m not a gambling addict, but I’ve been to Vegas 44 times. Here’s why
–– I’m a gambling addict.

NYU doctor dies after dining at Disney World restaurant where waitstaff insisted food was allergen-free: lawsuit
–– Will take Snow White Apple cobbler off menu.

I Spent a Week Rescuing Food From the Trash. Here’s What I Ate.
–– By R. Rattus.

New Mexico teacher had students duel with swords in class, leading to serious injury of teen girl, lawsuit says
–– Masked educator returned tests with letter Z sliced through them.

U.S. launches probe into possible fraud by organ collection groups
–– Code named Operation Gutbuster.

Sam Bankman-Fried's parents are begging a judge to keep him out of prison, warning their son's social awkwardness could put him in 'extreme danger’
–– Amidst typically well-adjusted inmate population.

Idaho is set to execute a long-time death row inmate, a serial killer with a penchant for poetry
–– And potato sculptures.

Driving at ridiculous speeds should be physically impossible
–– How about Ludicrous Speeds?

Ants’ ability to heal comrades may hold lessons for human infections
–– Among Red ones.

A frog in India has a mushroom sprouting out of it. Researchers have never seen anything like it
–– After smoking so little hashish.

Deadly bird flu discovered on Antarctica, threatening penguin colonies
–– Up there easy to mistake for cold.

Flaco, the owl that escaped from Central Park Zoo, is dead after hitting a building
–– Leaves behind 2 owlets, bag of potato chips.

Stone-Age DIY: Neanderthals Were Making Glue 40,000 Years Ago
–– But calling it Gorilla Glue cut too close to home.

Dallas could hit 95 degrees as warm spell threatens hundreds of records
–– If only average IQ in legislature was anywhere close.

‘Goodnight, Odie:' Historic Odysseus lunar lander powers down after a week on the moon
–– About as effective as clumsy cartoon dog.

Dead ‘cannibal’ star spotted with metal scar after consuming part of a planet
–– Other stars: ‘Eat me.’

The ‘Doomsday Glacier’ is rapidly melting. Scientists now have evidence for when it started and why
–– Took name, hatched plan after watching The Day After Tomorrow.

Decades after the US buried nuclear waste abroad, climate change could unearth it
–– Or, y'know, not.

Boiling Tap Water Could Help Remove 80 Percent of Its Microplastics, Study Suggests
–– Tea fans glad to hear.

200,00 snow geese once flocked to this Pennsylvania lake, but climate change has caused the number to plummet
–– Pedestrians walking gingerly around lake relieved.

Car crash death of Mitch McConnell’s sister-in-low treated as suspicious
–– Fear tread of violence.

Fashion Icon Iris Apfel Dead at 102
–– Apfell.