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Bent Hur
Week of 02/09/24

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Satirical photo-illustration on the Special Counsel's report on President Joe Biden's handling of classified documents which characterized him as "a sympathetic, well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory." A smiling Special Counsel Robert Hur is shown raising his right foot to trip Biden who is seen pitching forward.Biden turns confrontational over alleged memory loss in DOJ report: 'How in the hell dare he’
–– Threatens to 'mostly remember' slight.

Taylor Swift Gives Kansas City Its Own Love Story
–– Not just BBQ rub.

Eight Words and a Verbal Slip Put Biden’s Age Back at the Center of 2024
–– This week in presidemential politics.

Joe Biden forgot when he was vice president and when his son Beau died, special counsel report says
–– Two things anyone would want to forget.

Takeaways from special counsel’s report into Biden’s handling of classified documents
–– Hacked chicken with side of spilled tea.

Holder rips ‘inconsistent’ special counsel report on Biden classified documents report
–– Did unfailingly drag him.

Top Republican says Dems 'will answer' at ballot box for not backing Mayorkas impeachment
–– Sharp Republican voters will be looking to unseat Mayor Kas in November.

Al Green, in Hospital Garb, Delivers Vote to Kill Mayorkas Impeachment
–– While singing Let’s Stay Together.

Federal Appeals Court Rejects Trump’s Claim of Absolute Immunity
–– Condemn his absolute impunity.

Biden says Americans will be living in a ‘nightmare’ if Trump wins re-election
— With national anthem by Metallica.

JD Vance defends Trump, claims invoking E. Jean Carroll verdicts is 'very unfair’
–– Hillbilly ele-jeezus!

With a single word -- 'lover' -- Trump employs familiar playbook in tweaking his investigators
–– Word he always applies when he’s yanking your chain.

McDaniel is expected to leave as RNC chair amid pressure from Trump
–– Has faith there’s someone dumber, less scrupulous out there.

Larry Hogan launches surprise bid for Maryland Senate seat
–– Plops down as music stops.

The wild probe into investors of DWAC, Trump Media’s proposed merger ally
–– Total DWAC jobs.

Judge denies Peter Navarro's bid to remain out of prison while appealing contempt of Congress case
–– His own contempt for Constitution unappealing.

Goofy 'God's Army' convoy on Texas border shows Trump's MAGA movement is just one long con
–– Con void?

Nikki Haley walks back comment that Texas can secede from US
–– Her Certificate in American History finally arrived in mail?

‘SNL’ Faces Backlash After Nikki Haley Makes Surprise Appearance During Cold Open
–– Scold Open.

Nikki Haley’s ‘Rock’ Is Watching Her Campaign From a Distance
–– Reference is to hubby’s head.

Marianne Williamson suspends long-shot Democratic presidential campaign
–– Joins disbelief necessary to have launched it.

Speaker Mike Johnson reverses course and will not endorse Matt Rosendale for Senate in Montana after blowback
–– Opponents made awful mess on House floor.

Tempers flare after Graham accuses Sinema of ‘half-ass’ border effort
–– Graham’s always been full-ass.

Gov. Abbott calls Mayor Adam's plan to give migrants credit cards “insanity,” “reprehensible” and “offensive”
–– So like his MexEx shipping policy.

Tucker Carlson says he will interview Vladimir Putin in Moscow
–– Will not say if he will air inevitable sex tape.

Putin Calls on U.S. to ‘Negotiate’ on Ukraine in Tucker Carlson Interview
–– Between moans of pleasure.

U.S. Hits Back at Iran With More Than Just Airstrikes
–– Posts scathing Yelp reviews.

U.S. Plans Further Retaliation in Mideast as Blinken Heads to the Region
–– For further blinkin' talks!

Pakistan ex-PM Imran Khan and wife jailed for 7 years for unlawful marriage
–– Khannubial blitz.

Pakistan stunned as ex-premier Khan’s party overperforms in election
–– Khanfounding.

North Korea's Kim says he has no desire for talks and repeats a threat to destroy South if provoked
–– Will start with Richmond.

Google’s Once Happy Offices Feel the Chill of Layoffs
–– No more Google gaga?

Taylor Swift shocks at Grammys, announces new album ‘The Tortured Poets Department’
–– Big pop star abuses awards spotlight to hump new record. Real shockeroo.

Fake and Explicit Images of Taylor Swift Started on 4chan, Study Says
–– NY Times Breaking News!

Taylor Swift threatens legal action against student who tracks her jet
–– That’s no student, it’s Kim Jong-un!

Miley Cyrus Jokes She ‘Might’ve Forgotten Underwear’ During ‘Flowers’ Record of the Year Win at 2024 Grammys
–– Obviously misplaced sense of moment.

Miley Cyrus was just joking about not wearing underwear to the Grammys
–– Crack reporting.

Jay-Z Slams the Grammys for Never Awarding Beyoncé Album of the Year: ‘When I Get Nervous, I Tell the Truth’
–– Was afraid she’d beat his sorry ass if he didn’t mention.

Opinion | Beyoncé was robbed at the Grammys. We need to hear from her now.
–– Why, you have her purse?

Killer Mike arrested by police following altercation at the Grammy Awards after earning 3 trophies
–– Bum rap?

What Paris Jackson and Doja Cat’s latest red carpet looks say about tattoos today
–– “Duh.”

Byron Allen Loses $100M Fraud Lawsuit Against McDonald’s Over Ad Spend on Black-Owned Media
–– Comic unleashed.

Bill Maher Says He Axed Two-Hour Kanye West Podcast Interview Because ‘He’s a Very Charming Antisemite’ and ‘I’m Not Going to Contribute to This’
–– Giving charm bad name.

No, Michael Cera Is Not the Mastermind Behind CeraVe
–– Yes, his career is in place where he needs bucks from ad.

’Curb Your Enthusiasm’ Made Something Out of Nothing
–– Unlike this ‘appreciation.’

’SNL’ Sets Shane Gillis as Host After Firing Him for Racist Jokes in 2019; 21 Savage Will Be Musical Guest
–– Was recoverable kinda racism.

Ayo Edebiri Acknowledges Making Fun of Jennifer Lopez in ‘SNL’ Sketch: ‘It’s Wrong to Run Your Mouth on a Podcast’
–– So now she’s downloaded all her music?

Usher on Reworking Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl,” Advice Michael Jackson Gave Him and Being “Vulnerable” for New Album
–– Jacko, “Little boys like candy.”

Jacob Elordi Under Investigation for Allegedly Assaulting Radio Producer Over Saltburn Joke in Australia
–– Must’ve stung.

Christopher Nolan Calls Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man ‘One of the Most Consequential Casting Decisions That’s Ever Been Made’ in Movie History
–– Stark comparison.

Kumail Nanjiani Reveals He Went to Counseling Over ‘Eternals’ Bad Reviews: “I Do Have Trauma”
–– We needed swig of vodka to forget bad view.

Joe Rogan’s Spotify Deal Renewal Worth Up to $250 Million, Podcast Will No Longer Be Exclusive to the Platform
— Actual value $2.50.

Jesse L. Martin Is Watching You
–– We’re not watching him.

Mo’Nique Says ‘My Name Would Be Melissa McCarthy’ If ‘I Was a White Woman’: ‘Same Track Record,’ but ‘Opportunities Aren’t the Same’ in Hollywood
–– Mo’ Lissa?

Prince Philip’s nasty nickname for Meghan Markle revealed: book
–– 'That f*****' stupid c*******.'

Prince William returns to work without Kate Middleton after palace slams report she was in 'induced coma’
–– Hope he got paid leave before returning to hand-shaking line.

King Charles III has cancer and is receiving treatment, Buckingham Palace says
–– Not exactly Royal Treatment he craved for decades.

Father of Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes accused of driving while intoxicated a week before Super Bowl
–– If only he’d gotten smashed day of.

Michael Jordan’s championship sneakers sell for record $8 million at auction
–– Odor-Eaters an additional $500k.

Opinion | The trouble with schools is too much math
–– Doesn’t add up.

When Did New York’s Streets Get So Hollow?
–– And so accurately reflect residents' inner lives?

How Long Does It Take to Get Fit Again?
–– Again?

This is what a cold plunge does to your body
–– Major shrinkage.

She’s Not Celibate — She’s ‘Boysober’
–– Not just ‘unpopular?’

She arranged a date with a guy she met on a plane. When he didn’t show, she unexpectedly met her future husband
–– On a plain!

Can You Optimize an Orgasm?
–– Ask a porn star.

Are We All Technosexuals Now
–– More from Penthouse Lett… oh, the NY Times. (also previous)

What Is The 75 Hard Challenge… And Is It Actually Good For You?
–– 75 and still hard… what could be bad?

Fire causes extensive damage to iconic Chicago restaurant known for its breakfasts
–– Well, done.

Newspaper heiress Patty Hearst was kidnapped 50 years ago. Now she's famous for her dogs
–– Yeah, we’ve all seen pic.

A man is suing the maker of a surgical robot, claiming it burned and tore his wife's small intestine during surgery
–– While having bunions removed!

Warwickshire residents block in fly-tippers caught in act
–– Local ordinance disallows gratuities for any insect.

On live TV, Guardian Angels rough up a man in Times Square then misidentify him as a ‘migrant'
–– Is roughing up or misidentifying offense?

Jennifer Crumbley, mother of school shooter, found guilty of manslaughter in test of who’s responsible for a mass shooting
–– Crispy Crumbley.

13-year-old accused of killing grandpa on Denver bus because his leg blocked aisle
–– Talk about bad trip.

A woman stole a memory card from a truck. The gruesome footage is now key to an Alaska murder trial
–– Did it include views of crazy driver’s face?

Man stabbed wife 20 times in church on Palm Sunday, CA officials say. He’s convicted
–– On not-so-good Friday.

Man pleads guilty to killing of golf pro Gene Siller and 2 others in Atlanta area country club in 2021
–– With more than hole in one.

A sniper killed a Florida bank robber as he held a knife to a hostage's throat
–– Another Florida feel-good story.

Suspect arrested for assaulting stranger with 2x4 in Fountain Square had lengthy criminal history
–– And carpentry background?

Gavin Newsom overrules California parole board that wanted to free gang member who murdered minister early
–– Would’ve reconsidered if he killed in afternoon.

California governor to send prosecutors to Oakland to help crack down on rising crime
–– Get crack down?

Select Few Witnessed Alabama’s Nitrogen Execution. This Is What They Saw.
–– It’s colorless, fer chrissakes!

Mississippi coroner who buried men without telling their families: ‘I don’t know how to find people’
–– Relatives not getting hole story.

Ashes Were Given to His Family. But He Wasn’t Dead.
–– And it's pretty tough surviving cremation.

CIA terminates whistleblower who prompted flood of sexual misconduct complaints
–– Blown away.

Two people who escaped sinking car were stuck in middle of icy fjord until floating sauna showed up
–– OK, finish joke.

Man who diverted national park river to ease boat access on Lake Michigan convicted of misdemeanors
–– Big feller claims he was just trying to clean Augean stables.

Alaska Airlines 737 May Have Left Boeing Factory Missing Bolts, N.T.S.B. Says
–– Pretty screwed up.

Remnants of a Nuclear Missile Are Found in a Garage
–– Under mushroom cloud.

Goldendoodle’s sweet reaction after spotting owners at groomers: “Tail wag”
–– That’s why they call it Newsweek.

Marmoset kept in a birdcage rescued by California officials. Why marmosets aren’t pets
–– Or birds.

Alligator snapping turtle found in Cumbrian tarn
–– Tarn tootin’.

Biologists Discover Four New Octopus Species in the Deep Ocean Off Costa Rica
–– Or one with three disguises.

‘Go faster!' Watch as moose barrels down Wyoming ski slope, weaving through snowboarders
–– Pursued by flying squirrel!

An Ancient Tomb Held Anonymous Bodies for 2,300 Years. Turns Out They’re Famous Royals.
–– With terrible press agents.

AI just deciphered part of an ‘unreadable’ ancient scroll. Here’s what it says
–– 'Hi , Thank you for choosing Geek_Squad®. Please see attached invoice due upon receipt.'

This gadget from 1930 let people ‘talk’ to the dead –– with a magic trick
–– Precursor to tech support help lines.

Gigantic Object on Surface of Sun Turns to Face the Earth
–– And moon Andromeda.

California agrees to $2 billion settlement over Covid pandemic learning loss for struggling students
–– Students, 'Is that a lot?'

Hank Bradford, Stand-Up Comic Turned Head Writer on Carson’s ‘Tonight Show,’ Dies at 88
–– How dead is it?

Henry Fambrough, last surviving original member of The Spinners, dies at 85
–– Imagine what he’s doing in grave.

Seiji Ozawa, Captivating Conductor, Is Dead at 88
–– Ozowie.

Toby Keith, Larger-Than-Life Country Music Star, Dies at 62
–– Now same size as coffin.