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Shutdown, Drag Out
Week of 03/22/24

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Satirical photo-illustration of a baby with the head of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene lying atop a pile of papers labeled '$1.2T Budget Package' and throwing a temper tantrum below the title The Terrible Tush.Senate sends $1.2T spending bill to Biden's desk in late night vote
–– Caught desk sleeping.

Putin says he supported Alexei Navalny prisoner swap
–– With corpse.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene files motion to oust House Speaker Mike Johnson over spending deal
–– Motion sickness.

Republicans livid as chaos threatens to cannibalize House majority
–– Talk about eating shit.

Biden says at DC dinner that of 2 presidential candidates, 1 was mentally unfit. 'The other's me’
–– Cognitive diffidence.

OK with an 80-year-old president? How about a surgeon? Poll finds surprising answers
–– How about 80-year-old surgeon with limp?

Trump tells Supreme Court that rejecting immunity claim ‘would be the end of the presidency as we know it’
–– As he knows it.

An ex-Biden aide said Obama staffers thought Biden would 'suck' in the White House
–– Then accomplished more in two years than Barry’s eight.

What $8.5 Billion Can Buy: Biden Aims to Bolster Chip Manufacturing
–– Add more salt, jalapeño powder.

Impeachment inquiry appears on ice as House GOP tries to wrangle support
–– Long after it began to stink.

First on CNN: Oversight Committee Democrats invite Giuliani associate Lev Parnas as witness for Biden impeachment hearing
–– Should provide some Levity.

Trump faces 'insurmountable difficulties' in securing $464M bond in civil fraud case, his attorneys say
–– Ask if his accountants can assess face value of check he hands court.

Trump admits he can’t get fraud bond in filing suggesting “he is much less wealthy than he portrays”
–– Needs bond. Fraud bond.

Bankruptcy is one way out of Trump’s financial jam. He doesn’t want to take it.
–– Has anyone mentioned seppuku?

Trump to hire Russia-linked ex-campaign chief labeled “grave counterintelligence threat”: report
–– But can only pay in rubles.

What Trump can learn from OJ Simpson and Bernie Madoff if he fails to pay bond
–– Will have to ask Bernie more than once.

Donald Trump $355M GoFundMe Stalls At $1.3M After A Month Amid Legal Battles
–– Ran into trouble when stopped accepting payment in meth tabs.

Trump says he’d have to hold ‘fire sale’ of properties to meet $464M bond
–– Keep talking…

Hillary Clinton: ‘Half a billion dollars’ later, only Trump can say he was better off 4 years ago
–– Yeah, but remember 8 years ago? We all were.

Opinion Despite McAfee’s jabs, Willis stays on Trump’s case. For now.
–– It was Wade's jabs that has her in mess.

Trump says any Jewish person who votes for Democrats ‘hates their religion’ and ‘everything about Israel’
–– ‘The way I hate yids.’

As Tulsi Gabbard joins Trump's VP shortlist, her father distances himself
–– And he’s this nut.

Tuberville says GOP leadership should have vetted claims in Katie Britt’s speech
–– And he’s big supporter of vets.

Supreme Court says Trump White House official Peter Navarro must begin prison sentence
–– Which is, ‘Be gentle.’

When Peter Navarro goes to prison, he’ll hear the lions roar
–– Before they mount him.

Peter Navarro Compares Prison Sentence to Dead American Soldiers
–– Only in this sense.

Pro-Trump attorney arrested after court hearing about leaked Dominion emails
–– Dumb minion.

Pelosi says most people wouldn't let Trump in their house, so why should he be in the White House?
–– After he fails to pay $460 bil settlement he'll be in outhouse.

Vance slams ‘ridiculous attack’ on Trump in wake of ‘blood bath’ comments
–– Avers he would bathe in any of Trump’s bodily fluids.

Trump asks if Cassidy Hutchinson will be prosecuted over limo testimony
–– That’s stretch.

Trump Sues Stephanopoulos, ABC News for Defamation Over Contentious Nancy Mace Interview
–– Wooly Mace.

Trump: ‘I don’t know’ if Putin was responsible for Navalny’s death
–– ‘But believing he was is only thing that gets me semi-hard anymore.’

Rudy Giuliani said he'll be disbarred but that supporting Trump would 'help me in heaven for sticking to my principles’
–– ‘St. Peter’ with goatee, horns, waves pitchfork and says, ‘Of course, my son!’

Supreme Court turns away 'Cowboys for Trump' co-founder ousted from office over Jan. 6
–– Git along, little dog pee.

In Wisconsin, a vote for Biden or Trump could come down to grocery prices
–– Are heads actually filled with cheese?

"I'll try harder": 5 of Powell's snippiest moments from Wednesday's briefing
–– Queen of the Fed.

Once a Sure Thing, Newsom’s Homelessness Measure Barely Passes
–– Out on pavement.

Opinion | The case for a 32-hour workweek with no loss in pay
–– This week in Fairie Tale Theatre.

Apple Sued by U.S. Justice Department, Alleging Tech Colossus Maintains Illegal Monopoly With iPhone
–– Siri facing fraud charges.

Glassdoor wants to Know Your Real Name
–– They’re so transparent.

Putin vows to punish those behind Russia concert massacre
–– When he's done punishing own citizens.

Moscow concert hall attack: Why is ISIL targeting Russia?
–– Old times’ sake?

'There will be no day after’: hopes fade to end war in shattered, traumatised Gaza
–– But maybe a morning?

White House says Israel lacks ‘coherent and sustainable strategy’ in Gaza
–– Issues official understatement.

Blinken says he will tell Israelis Rafah invasion would be a ‘mistake’
–– This week in ‘Destructive Criticism.’

What Is Antisemitism? A Columbia Task Force Would Rather Not Say.
-– No one on campus has dictionary?

NIH probe of ‘Havana syndrome’ finds no sign of brain injuries
–– Except from Cuba Libres.

NBC hires former RNC chair Ronna McDaniel, who has demonized the press and refused to acknowledge Biden was fairly elected
–– To lick anchors’ chairs clean?

Don Lemon’s Agent Denies He Demanded $5M Advance, Tesla Cybertruck From Elon Musk Before X Show Cancellation (Report)
–– Lemon squeezed?

‘Dune: Part Two’ Nears $500 Million at Global Box Office, Surpasses Entire Run of First Film
–– PR department credits ‘dry hump.’

‘Dune: The Popcorn Bucket’ Has a Surprise Ending
–– Because it looks like you’re reaching into anus.

Sydney Sweeney Says ‘Madame Web’ Was a “Building Block” for Relationship With Sony
–– More stumbling/building block.

Jerrod Carmichael calls Taylor Swift is his ‘best friend.’ She probably doesn’t
–– You read that right.

Dan Schneider Denies Toxic Workplace Claims on His Nickelodeon Shows From ‘Quiet on the Set’ Doc
–– Head of the classless?

Norah Jones: ‘When I met Ray Charles I couldn’t stop crying’
–– ‘He couldn’t see he was stepping on toe.’

Bryce Dallas Howard said her dad Ron Howard wouldn’t let her act as a child
–– ‘I mean she’s 43 –– who’d believe it?’

Jimmy Kimmel Producing Cannabis Series for Hulu
–– Needs hit?

Lukas Gage regrets his ‘unhinged’ wedding with Chris Appleton
–– Didn’t swing same way?

Carrie Coon jokes that she tried to make Paul Rudd feel bad while filming new ‘Ghostbusters'
–– And after, forcing him to read reviews.

Every 'Ghostbusters' Movie, Ranked
–– Every ‘Ghostbusters’ movie: rank.

’Sleeping Dogs' Review: Russell Crowe Plays an Ex-Cop with Alzheimer's in a Scrappy Piece of Dementia Noir
–– Scrappy as in should've been scrapped.

Jenny McCarthy Reveals Romantic Gesture Donnie Wahlberg Does Every Monday That Still 'Gives Me Butterflies'
–– He hands her net.

Ewan McGregor says he had an intimacy coordinator for sex scenes with his wife
–– At home!

Beyoncé says an experience where she ‘did not feel welcomed’ spurred her to make ‘Cowboy Carter’ country album
–– Home, home in da hood?

Celine Dion says living with stiff person syndrome ‘has been one of the hardest experiences of my life’
–– She still has dead hubby at home?

How Barry Humphries will be remembered at Melbourne Comedy Festival
–– Above Everage?

Jennifer Lopez Cancels Multiple Dates on ‘This Is Me… Now’ Tour Amid Weak Ticket Sales
–– So now, way less popular?

Kristen Stewart Says ‘I Got So Many Studio Notes About My Hair and Clothes’ in ‘Happiest Season’ and ‘It Was F—ing Annoying’: ‘The Identity Was Beaten Out of My Goals There'
–– To give most lifeless performance possible.

Why Emma Stone Calls Her Favorite McDonald's Order 'So Depressing’
–– It’s McDonald’s.

Former Price is Right Producer Reveals Protocol for When Excited Contestants Accidentally 'Pee Their Pants’
–– Check streaming service.

‘We said no to Elvis Presley sweat and James Dean condoms’: the agent making a killing from dead celebrities
–– Wow, a publicist of conscience.

Fired ‘Jeopardy!’ Host: Aaron Rodgers Was Most Prepared to Replace Alex Trebek
–– In brain dead department.

Kate Middleton, Britney Spears and the Online Trolls Doubting Their Existence
–– And ones constantly writing about it.

Meghan Markle Made Public Appearance Before Kate Middleton's Cancer News
–– ‘Who knows, I might have cancer too. Serious cancer.’

Dodgers fire Shohei Ohtani’s interpreter Ippei Mizuhara amid ‘massive theft’ allegations
–– Catchphrase: ‘Shohei the money!’

Former Olympian Caitlyn Jenner backs New York county's ban on transgender female athletes
–– Botched gender reveal.

Sports Illustrated Publishing Rights Secured by Minute Media, After Mass Layoffs Under Previous Partner
–– Blood sports illustrated.

Is this heaven? No, it’s Caitlin Clark’s Iowa
–– It’s not even heaven for corn stalks.

I’m 70 years old — why shouldn’t my clothes convey my sexuality, and sense of style?
–– We’re eating.

Phoebe Philo Breaks Her Silence
–– We’ve been dying to hear from her.

Fabrics retailer Joann files for bankruptcy
–– Comes unraveled.

We're Accountants. Here Are 6 Things We'd Never Do When Filing Taxes.
–– 2) Claim hand job as business expense.

How to Watch Oprah’s Weight Loss Special Online
–– While you pig out at home.

When cutting your hair costs an arm and a leg
–– Depending how much fur you have on them.

If antidepressants are killing your sex life, here’s what you can do
–– Cheer up!

This is how we do it: ‘At 80, I’ve discovered a sexual energy I didn’t know I had’
–– May we be excused?

We pay our gym to let us work out naked — it's helped us get fitter
–– Having to really, really wipe down equipment.

Condé Nast Plans More Layoffs, Files Charge Against Union as Staffers March to Executive Offices
–– Management doesn't subscribe to tactics.

Empty Frames and Other Oddities From the Unsolved Gardner Museum Heist
–– Paging Erle Stanley Gardner.

A student persuaded by his friend to get his legs amputated for a $1.3 million insurance scam wound up getting only $7,200 that he now has to return: prosecutors
–– Taken down peg or two.

‘Banksy came overnight’: A neighborhood wakes up to world-famous street art
–– After or before painting it?

The SAT is coming back at some colleges. It’s stressing everyone out.
–– Next thing you know they’ll be forced to hit books.

Partially Blind Dog Finds Loving Home After Being Abandoned Twice: 'He Is the Sweetest and Most Loving’
–– ‘And easiest to hide ball from.’

Do you have a 'fossil dog'? TikTokers' stories of pets who 'won't die’
–– Isn't that 'devil dog'?

The Ideal Dog Name, According to Science, Is Certainly Not What You Think
–– But we think it’s stupid question.

60 million people have watched this touching clip of a woman feeding her dog chocolate
–– In hopes of killing it.

Why don’t humans have tails? Scientists find answers in an unlikely place
–– Our ass?

Can niche lives of bats help them avoid the white-nose syndrome?
–– Can niche writers avoid brown-nose syndrome?

25,000-Year-Old "Pyramid" Not Built By Humans After All, Archaeologists Find Shipwrecks Using Clues From Homer's Iliad, And Much More This Week
–– Tell us it was aliens, tell us it was aliens, tell us it was aliens!

Five Canoes Discovered Northwest of Rome Are the Oldest Boats Ever Found in the Mediterranean
–– Oar not.

At Long Last, a Gold Medal for America’s World War II ‘Ghost Army’
–– That's invisible!

EPA bans asbestos, a deadly carcinogen still in use decades after a partial ban was enacted
–– Partial as in only 40,000 deaths?

Toyota is hitting the gas on hybrids as EV sales cool. But what does that mean for the planet?
–– Headline's mostly gas, not electric.

Worried About Sentient AI? Consider the Octopus
–– Says insentient AI.

Trees "Coughing" as They Fail to Capture Excess CO2
–– Sounds more like “barking.”

Frans de Waal, Who Found the Origins of Morality in Apes, Dies at 75
–– Found or theorized?

M. Emmet Walsh, Actor in ‘Blood Simple’ and ‘Blade Runner,’ Dies at 88
–– Walsh out.