COLD OPEN
Week of 12/29/17
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump tweets that 'cold' East Coast 'could use a little bit of' global warming
–– Mar-a-Lago could use two, three feet sea level rise.
Trump tells NYT he thinks Mueller will 'be fair'
–– 'Game'.
Roy Moore Is a 'Snowflake' for Not Conceding, Fox Contributor Says on Air
–– Tiny, white, cold, sadly not unique.
Trump Reportedly Terminated All Members Of HIV/AIDS Council Without Explanation
–– At least explanation would’ve provided chuckle.
Ringo Starr and Barry Gibb knighted in Queen's New Year honors list
–– Beatle geez.
Marco Rubio: Tax Bill ‘Probably Went Too Far’ On Corporate Handouts
–– Would not have finshed spanking monkey.
Report: White House intern appears to flash 'white power' hand gesture in photo with Trump
–– Thumb, index finger create circle as in ‘asshole’ gesture.
What I Learned From Reading All The Media Safaris Into 'Trump Country' I Could Handle Before Wanting To Die
–– Should've had elephant rifle.
Sue Grafton: Alphabet crime author dies aged 77
–– Z is for Zilch.
Police shoot dead man after alleged Call of Duty 'swatting' hoax
–– On the fly.
New Year's Eve party in Berlin to have 'safe zone' for women
–– Herr nets.
India’s richest man buys brother's mobile business after pricing him out
–– Indian giver.
Trump Says Russia Inquiry Makes U.S. ‘Look Very Bad’
–– Still better than him.
Dustin Hoffman Accusers Thank John Oliver for Confronting Actor on Alleged Misconduct
–– Dust-up Hoffman.
Princess Margaret and Peter Townsend May Have Had Adjoining Bedrooms When She Was Just 17
–– WHO? Oh, him.
Russian Hacker Says He Left Fingerprints on His DNC Hack in Bid to Bolster His Story That Putin Ordered It
–– Cabbie drove him all around capital.
Man Heckles Animatronic Donald Trump at Disney's Hall of Presidents
–– Robot tweeted “Sad.”
Trump: News Media Will ‘Let Me Win’ in 2020 Because They’ll ‘Tank if I’m Not There’
–– Don't want to cancel Jackass.
Can North Korea Attack New York or D.C. With Nuclear Submarines?
–– Would need pretty big rockets to launch.
Guy Fieri's massive New York restaurant will close at the end of the year — here's what it's like to eat there
–– Diners drive out and dives.
Trump sends a warning after report of Chinese oil sales to North Korea
–– Xi stashes in joke file.
Grieving family called 'scrooges' in anonymous letter for not decorating home for Christmas
–– By tiny dims.
Trump Says He Has An 'Absolute Right' To Control The Justice Department
–– Shows Jeff Session's balls on keychain to prove it.
President Trump Is Very Overweight, but Won’t Stop Eating Burgers and Drinking Soda After Doctor's Visit
–– Should prescribe triping of caloric intake.
North Korea's Most Powerful Missile Was Launched From Pyongyang Outskirts, Celebratory Stamps Confirm
–– Marked opening of mall selling tree bark, rags.
Election Meddling Is Hard Work and Russia Does Not Get Enough Credit, Lavrov Jokes
–– Yakov Smirnoff writing for him.
Trump Exposed Ignorance During Trade Talk With Merkel, Leaving White House Aides Humiliated: Report
–– That's what humiliated them!?
Al Franken Says He's Not Giving Up Voice Despite Leaving Senate
–– Will continue to watch singing competition in retirement.
Rose Marie, actress and showbiz legend, dies at 94
–– Black bow around coffin.
Kidnappers cut off teen's ear after billionaire grandad refused to pay ransom - the true story behind the film All the Money in the World
–– Listen up.
Vanity Fair under fire for urging Hillary Clinton to quit politics and knit instead
–– Stop needling her!
Ivanka Trump's Vacation Picture Has A Confederate Flag In The Background
–– At Klan Med resort.
Ivanka Trump Wears Her Company's Clothes In Social Media Posts, Raising Further Conflict Of Interest Questions
–– Including designer white sheets, hoods.
Italian Box Office Drops 12.5% in 2017; Local Movies Suffer, While Hollywood Stays Strong
–– Industry taking it on the cine.
Will your diet start Monday? Try the 'non-diet diet'
–– Everyone already on it.
After St. Petersburg Explosion, Putin Orders Police to ‘Liquidate’ Terrorists
–– With pee pee tapes?
UK passports will change from burgundy to blue after Brexit
–– Black and blue.
Pilot’s incredible white-knuckle landing
–– On mouthy flight attendant’s jaw.
Bono Thinks Music Has Become "Very Girly”
–– Bono roode.
Bono reveals he almost died
–– U2 coy.
E.P.A. Wanted Years to Study Lead Paint Rule. It Got 90 Days.
–– Has apparently been huffing subject of study.
Once a Cash Cow, Venezuela’s Oil Company Now Verges on Collapse
–– With black milk?
Trump administration has deported fewer illegal Mexican immigrants than Obama, data show
–– Yet another reversal of Obama policy!
Donald Trump Doesn't Even Have a Dog - and That Says a Lot About Him
–– Trump: ‘I had one once, but it was a pity fuck.’
Sylvester Stallone shells out $400,000 for a statue of himself
–– Rocky and bull wangle.
Israel wants to build 'Trump station' near Western Wall
–– aka toilet.
U.S. Is Meddling in Election Says Russia, Days After Moscow Bans Anti-Putin Candidate
–– What's good for goose step is good for gander.
Democrat In Tied Virginia Race Tries To Stop Winner From Being Picked Out Of A Bowl
–– Insists she’d never fit in it.
Donald Trump Said He Passed More Laws Than Any Other President In His First Year. He Didn’t.
–– 2017's most unnecessary second sentence.
Omarosa Left The White House Two Weeks Ago, Why Is She Still Being Paid?
–– Still fulfilling same duties.
Donald and Melania Trump Just Took the "Saddest Christmas Picture" of the Season
–– Because he was in WH.
The 'Thank You, President Trump' ad was a terrible Christmas present
–– Was only one WH staff got.
President Trump is America's second-most admired man, poll finds
–– Definitely No. 2.
Father 'found 13-year-old son and 44-year-old teacher having sex in car'
–– It was driver's ed.
Dress-coded student told that not wearing a bra makes 'people assume bad things'
–– Makes points.
North Korean Defectors Show Signs Of Possible Radiation Exposure
–– Part of Kim’s tanning salon initiative?
Arctic air brings bone-chilling temperatures to US
–– Definitely don’t leave bone exposed.
Roy Moore files complaint to block Alabama Senate result
–– Sues reality for slander.
Jones: I can work with Trump after insults
–– ‘Especially on his project to get impeached.’
Bannon adviser: Ryan challenger Paul Nehlen is 'dead to us' after inflammatory tweets
–– Not first zombie they’ve backed.
GOP congressman explains his call for FBI 'purge'
–– ‘Horror film by that name really captured my imagination.’
I’m 6'3" with tattoo sleeves -- and I have a #MeToo story
–– #Meattoo.
Lorde Cancels Israel Show: 'I'm Not Too Proud to Admit I Didn't Make the Right Call'
–– ‘Nor too smart to know I just screwed up worse.’
Lorde Cancels Israel Show, but Russia Dates Remain
–– Lorde love a schmuck.
Dean: Trump “running a criminal enterprise out of the White House”
–– White House black market.
Bush ethics lawyer: Trump-appointed FBI Director Chris Wray is 'allowing himself to be humiliated' by the president
–– Lunk Wray.
Mark Kelly: This year has been an unequivocal disaster for the future of the planet
–– Kelly blue, books.
Alfie Curtis, Dr. Evazan in 'Star Wars: A New Hope,' Dies at 87
–– Rabid Star Wars completists: “Who?”
Kanye West Gives Kim Kardashian Stocks for Christmas
–– Will pillory for New Years.
Barred From Running, Barred From Boycotting: A Russian Candidate’s Quandary
–– Fears being barred from bar.
Relive Trump's first year in 2 minutes
–– You may not survive it.
Why New Blood Pressure Guidelines Could Lead to Harm
–– Not to Pfizer, AstraZeneca, GlaxoSmithKline or Bristol-Myers Squibb’s profits.
Mike Huckabee Says Trump Is Like Churchill. Historians Disagree.
–– After they catch breath from laughing fits.
Your Uber Car Creates Congestion. Should You Pay a Fee to Ride?
–– Or take Mucinex?
Trump predicts Democrats, GOP will agree on health care plan
–– Republicans will come to see it’s awful, too?
On Christmas Eve, Donald Trump Trashes “Fake News” For “Negative Reporting”, Claims He Saved “Merry Christmas”
–– Grinch and bear it.
President Trump Cuts Funding to UN After Israel Vote
–– Malice a fraud thought.
Things Fox News Hosts Would Rather Talk About Instead of the Russia Investigation
–– Moscow's bullshit ballet.
China halts oil product exports to North Korea in November as sanctions bite
–– Kim: "Really bite."
North Korea Preparing to Launch Satellite Amid Hidden Missile Concerns: Report
–– So leader can get better reception of Kourtney & Kim Take Miami.
NBC Has Reportedly Ordered Employees To Report Sexual Misconduct Or Be Fired In The Wake Of Matt Lauer's Ouster
–– Putting out feelers.
Rep. Louie Gohmert: Mueller Would 'Love to Get Trump's Scalp'
–– We hear it screws off.
Russia Wants Answers Over Chechen Leader Ramzan Kadyrov’s Blocked Instagram
–– Ramzan, thank you, man.
Merry Christmas from Mar-a-Lago: Tiffany and Ivanka Trump Mocked for Bikini-Clad Video
–– Not biggest boobs in attendance.
Melania Trump slammed for 'incredibly tacky' Christmas selfie
–– Kitschy kitschy goo.
Trump has spent nearly one-third of his presidency at a Trump property
–– More than half in one he’s currently rebranding.
US woman stashed cocaine in heels, Australian authorities say
–– Was high-steppin’.
Landon Collins Calls Giants Teammate Eli Apple a Cancer During Interview
–– To the core.
Singer Joy Villa alleges Corey Lewandowski assaulted her at Trump hotel party
–– Villlafied.
Iconic White House tree to be cut down
–– Actually commits suicide rather than shade Trump.
Where Jesus Would Spend Christmas
–– Mar-a-Lago, to throw money lenders out.
Trump reunites with his kitchen cabinet in Mar-a-Lago
–– Potty and panned.
WH denies NYT report claiming Trump said Haitian immigrants 'all have AIDS'
–– Added, ‘And some, I assume, only have syphilis.’
Enraged President Trump reportedly said all Haitians have AIDS, Nigerians own huts at immigration meeting
–– He never said they own them.
Pit Bull Restrictions Lifted in Montreal as New Mayor Makes Good on Pledge
–– Victims must offer bi-lingual apologies to dogs when bit.
Dave Chappelle to Drop Two Netflix Specials on New Year’s Eve
–– You’ll want to drop, too.
How many kids still believe in Santa?
–– How many in MAGA?
UK royal apologizes for wearing 'racist' brooch to palace lunch with Markle
–– Brooch of protocol.
Martha Stewart: Work-life balance 'didn't work for me'
–– Changes name of mag to Martha Stewart Working.
SLIM DICKENS
Week of 12/22/17
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
President Trump: Tax bill 'an incredible Christmas gift for hard-working Americans'
–– ‘Incredible’ as in no one believes it.
Clifford Irving, Howard Hughes Prankster, Dies at 87
–– Maybe.
Trump signs tax bill before leaving to spend Christmas at Mar-a-Lago
–– Will gift workers with autographed photocopies of bill.
Who is Mallory Hagan? Former Miss America Winner Responds to CEO Sam Haskell's Vulgar Emails About Her
–– Tiara del fuego!
What’s True in the Trump ‘Golden Shower’ Dossier? Salacious Report Dogged President Throughout 2017
–– Mattress allegation pure gold.
’Kayak Killer' Released From Prison Just 6 Weeks After Sentencing in Boyfriend's Death
–– Down shit’s creek with paddle.
Trump’s tax bill will allow US President to personally save up to $15m, find analysts
–– Trump: 'Well, I'll be darned!'
Boy’s reaction to receiving puppy for Christmas will melt your heart
–– If we simultaneously shove hot poker in chest.
Alabama Senate write-ins: God, Bugs Bunny, Chuck Norris
–– God was Roy Moore's.
Sen. Mitch McConnell: Tax bill tells middle class Americans 'we heard you'
–– ‘Y’said, Harder!, right?’
Donald Trump's Jerusalem Plan Is Insulting to Jesus, Palestinian Leader Says
–– Jesus: ‘Salaam, bro.’
CNN poll: 7 in 10 Americans say sexual harassment is a very serious problem
–– More like 6.8 of non-Trump supporters.
Trump Is Not Alone: This Country Could Be First to Join U.S. in Moving Embassy to Jerusalem
–– Romania, Romania!
Trump Endorses GOP Rep. DeSantis for Florida Governor
–– Kiss of death.
Ivanka Trump called Steve Bannon a 'f***ing liar' over White House leaks, former adviser to president claims
–– Or was it 'lying f***er'?
‘Morning Joe' hosts call Al Franken ouster political, hypocritical
–– At least inspired GOP soul-searching. They have none.
White House aide says Trump hired all the right people, even the ones he fired
–– Best fodder ever.
UN Security Council imposes new sanctions on North Korea
–– Had to pay Trump rights to label 'toughest-ever.'
Al Franken Uses Final Senate Speech To List Trump's Lies To The American People
–– Talk about delaying exit.
US ambassador denies own comments, then denies denial
–– Double Dutch treat.
What Ben Bradlee Would Love About Steven Spielberg's 'The Post'
–– Hanks marginally more handsome than Robards.
Petition Demands Matt Damon's Removal From Ocean's 8 After Controversial Sexual Harassment Comments
–– Signed by his agent who’d seen film.
Trump Promised to Protect Steel. Layoffs Are Coming Instead.
–– Trump: ‘I said STEAL!’
Six bodies found hanged from bridges near Mexican tourist resort
–– Feliz Navidad, hijos de puta.
Bitcoin lost a third of its value in 24 hours
–– Land of Make Believe suspends trading.
Should You Shower in the Morning, or at Night? Yes.
–– Especially if there’s been presidential appearance during day.
E.P.A. Officials, Disheartened by Agency’s Direction, Are Leaving in Droves
–– Like endangered sea life fleeing oil spill.
Top Trump aide Rick Dearborn to depart White House
–– Dearborn ticked.
Ridley Scott Explains The Difference Between Christopher Plummer & Kevin Spacey’s Performance In ‘All The Money In The World’
–– Plummer’s ‘less touching.’
Papa John's controversial CEO steps down after facing backlash for his criticism of NFL anthem protests
–– Schplatter.
Disney Redubs Louis C.K.'s 'Gravity Falls' Character After Sexual Misconduct Admission
–– Afraid voice might flash diction.
Senior White House adviser at Homeland Security repeatedly promoted fringe conspiracy theories on the radio
–– Of course, was first line of resumé.
–– Have referred it to Ministry of Silly Walks.
US life expectancy drops for second year in a row
–– Trump: “Wait’ll you see how low we get those numbers by 2020!”
Despite Haley threat, UN votes to condemn Trump's Jerusalem decision
–– Haley commits.
Spain watches as divided Catalans vote in polarized election
–– If at first you don’t secede …
If You Work 1 of These Jobs, Trump’s Tax Plan Won’t Help You
–– Will now have to work 2 of these jobs.
Erdogan says U.S. can't buy Turkish support on Jerusalem
–– Adding, “But how much you got?”
White House: Trump businesses 'could' be helped under tax plan
–– Quote marks around ‘could’ largest ever recorded.
‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’ Really Did Land 55 Percent Audience Score, Rotten Tomatoes Says
–– May the force be against you.
Trump White House Christmas Celebrations Include 31,000 Cookies, 12,000 Ornaments and 53 Trees
–– 10,000 cookies for Trump alone.
Mike Pence Says It's a 'Disappointment' No Democrats Supported Tax Reform Bill
–– And he ‘really, really feels bad’ about Merrick Garland.
Pence makes surprise trip to Afghanistan
–– Will hopefully stay.
Mattis is 1st Pentagon chief to visit Guantanamo since 2002
–– Will hopefully stay.
White House temporarily shuts down 'We the People' petition site
–– Weak the people.
Chris Christie is quietly reveling in Robert Mueller’s scrutiny of Jared Kushner
–– Like pig in slop. Literally.
Original Michael Myers Actor to Return to ‘Halloween’ Franchise
–– You’ll recognize distinctive knife hand.
These companies promise to pass on some of their tax cut to workers
–– Just in time for holiday bookmark bonuses.
Apple: Yes, we're slowing down older iPhones
–– Ancient ones from 18 months ago.
Trump lavished with praise at tax celebration
–– Show to poison swallowing victims.
Trailer for 'Mamma Mia!' sequel is here
–– In case ‘Trump lavished with praise’ didn’t work.
Rolling Stone Publisher Sells Majority Stake to Penske, Owner of Variety
–– Gathers moss.
Pence’s Christmas Pilgrimage Is Canceled. His Next Mideast Move Is Complicated.
–– Will watch Dolly Parton's Christmas of Many Colors: Circle of Love again instead, with wife in room.
Nikki Haley: The US is 'taking names' on Jerusalem resolution
–– Misspelling them.
Trump Threatens to End American Aid: ‘We’re Watching Those Votes’ at the U.N.
–– First time.
The Tax Bill Shows the G.O.P.’s Contempt for Democracy
–– Consider it pass-through entity.
Olive Garden is still a hit with pasta lovers
–– In mob sense.
Trump Showed 'Appalling Lack of Humanity' By Hosting NRA CEO on Sandy Hook Anniversary, Victim's Mom Says
–– At least he didn't give him Educator of Year Award as originally planned.
Trump-Russia Probe is Part of Deep State’s ‘Rigged System' Against President, Trump Jr. Says
–– Elevator pitch for his first YA fantasy novel.
Jakarta Is Sinking So Fast, It Could End Up Underwater
–– Another deep state.
Former Green Party presidential candidate cooperates in Russia probe into 2016 election
–– Now you know Senate committee Republicans are just messing around.
Trump Jr.: Some high up won't let 'America be America'
–– Like President who prefers Nazi Germany.
Tavis Smiley To Tucker Carlson: Millions Of Taxpayer Dollars Will Be Squandered On Lawsuit If PBS Does Not “Fix This”
–– Black male?
2 Newport Beach victims testify they were left in desert after torture that included one losing a body part
–– Let's just say
A Pizza Hut Customer Asked For A Joke. The Punchline Got An Employee Fired.
–– Should've ordered rings, fries if they wanted side-splitting.
That cigar-shaped asteroid might be covered in organic goo
–– Dubbed Monicam Lewinskius.
Former Christian school teacher, 29, arrested days after being caught in bed with teen boy by husband: cops
–– Rehearsing as Mary Magdalene for school play.
Matt Damon Says the 'Whole S***load of Guys' Who Aren't Sexual Predators Need More Attention
–– 'And non-smokers are way underappreciated.'
Dogs Went Through `Drastic Lifestyle` Changes Before Mauling Owner to Death
–– Was transitioning to bitch.
People think Disney's Donald Trump robot looks like Hillary Clinton and you can't unsee it
–– Keeps grabbing own crotch.
North Korea’s Kim Jong Un Was Unusually Alone in Paying Tribute to His Late Father
–– Killed other relatives.
Kim Jong Un expands his war on Christmas with new ban on singing and drinking
–– And missile that can reach North Pole.
US government names North Korea as the source of WannaCry
–– Original code name: BetterNotCryBetterNotShout.
Beavers Emerge as Agents of Arctic Destruction
–– Dam!
‘Porch Pirates’ Steal Holiday Packages as They Pile Up at Homes
–– 'Porsche pirates' make out better.
Couple has baby from 24-year-old frozen embryo
–– Name him Coolio.
Catt Sadler Explains Why She Left ‘E! News’: ‘There Was A Massive Disparity in Pay’
–– ‘And now it’s even bigger!’
“We may not be alone," former Pentagon UFO official says about evidence of alien life
–– “We” being him and voice in head.
George Zimmerman, Acquitted of Trayvon Martin Murder, Threatens to 'Beat' Jay-Z and Feed Him to an Alligator
–– Real chummy.
Trump Jr. suggests conspiracy against President
–– Appears he’s already leading one.
Jared Kushner "deserves" to be investigated for his involvement in Russia meetings, Chris Christie said
–– Hasn't
Indian DJ receives death threats after being mistaken for FCC commissioner who repealed net neutrality
–– Pai-eyed.
Does Donald Trump Think He’s Psychic? President Insists He Can Predict GOP Wins in 2018
–– More small than medium.
A fractured GOP unified to pass a landmark tax plan: Here's how it came together
–– Greed is great motivator.
Many happy returns: Tom Hanks gives typewriter to Massachusetts family
–– QWERKY.
McDonald’s to sell a McVegan burger in Europe
–– Made from old shredded Filet-o-Fish containers.
Ex-Cardinal Bernard Law, symbol of church sex abuse scandal, dead at 86
–– Down by Law.
Pope's role in disgraced cardinal's funeral draws outrage
–– Relligious perversion.
Sophia Bush on why she left 'Chicago P.D.'
–– Bushed.
President Trump, the Animatronic Version, Comes to Disney World
–– Droid rage.
Madame Tussauds dropped a savage tweet to completely burn Disney’s new Trump animatronic
–– Wacks poetic.
Sarah Palin's Son Track Arrested for Allegedly Breaking Into Parents' Home, Assaulting His Father
–– Lost Track.
Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper Share Risque Details About Their Personal Lives in 'One, Two, AC' Game
–– AC/Dicey.
ESPN president resigns, citing substance addiction
–– PEDs?
Tavis Smiley: ‘PBS Made a Huge Mistake Here and They Need to Fix It’
–– ‘After they fix me.’
File Your Taxes on a Postcard? A G.O.P. Promise Marked Undeliverable
–– Return to cinder.
The Differences Between Kim Jong Un’s Diet and a Typical North Korean’s Will Shock You
–– His is typical North Korean.
’Bad Santa’ Director Terry Zwigoff Says the Weinsteins Also Blacklisted Mira Sorvino From the Christmas Comedy
–– No Claus in contract.
Moore tells supporters 'battle is not over' in Senate race
–– They think he means Gettysburg.
To evangelical Christian right, the biggest sin is having a 'D' next to your name
–– As in Devil.
63 Percent Of Americans Believe Donald Trump Tried To Obstruct Russia Probe
–– Other 37% believe he happily allowed them to probe him.
Trump says he is not considering firing Mueller
–– Has already decided to.
Jerry Richardson Puts Panthers Up for Sale Amid Misconduct Allegations
–– Entire roster to be replaced by MILFs.
Star Wars Fans Are Very Divided About 'The Last Jedi'
–– Split like Luke's personality.
Keely Smith, Jazz and Pop Singer, Dies at 89
–– Keely hauled.
Trump phones John McCain's wife as Arizona senator hospitalized with brain cancer
–– Says he prefers senators who stay out of hospitals.
She wandered into a rugged canyon, and was found dead near a lion. It didn't kill her, cops say
–– Lioness said he was with her at time of death.
Corker and Rubio reverse course, and the GOP tax bill now looks like a slam dunk to pass
–– Both head directly for drain.
Mueller Has 'Sensitive' Jared Kushner Emails and Thousands More From Trump Transition, Report Says
–– Full of sad emojis.
Mario Batali gives holiday recipe in same email as apology
–– Mamma mea culpa!
Mario Batali Apologizes For Sexual Harassment With Cinnamon Rolls
–– We knew he groped food.
Contractor Has Spent Past Year Scouring the Agency for Anti-Trump Officials
–– Using sledgehammer, claw bar.
AH'M MOROSER
Week of 12/15/17
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Omarosa to leave White House
–– Ben Carson to assume photo-op duties.
Trump on a Flynn pardon: 'Let's see'
–– Suspense is killing him.
Omarosa denies there was a dramatic confrontation at the White House
–– With her, ATM withdrawal is dramatic.
Omarosa Manigault Speaks Out After White House Exit: ‘I Have Seen Things That Have Made Me Uncomfortable’
–– ‘You? What about us?!’
Robin Roberts Literally Says 'Bye Felicia' To Omarosa Manigault Newman
–– If only she’d said figuratively.
Trump Dossier Claims Have Credibility, Says Former Spy Chief
–– Damp right.
Arnon Milchan Sues Warren Beatty Over ‘Rules Don’t Apply’ Flop
–– Hughes and cry.
Fancy Sausages and a $2 Million Bribe: A Trial Uncovers Kremlin Infighting
–– $2 mil was in vodka.
Trump Gets His Own Birthday Wrong and Melania Didn’t Know Where She Lives, NYC Ballots Reveal
–– Still tried writing in Quimby for Mayor.
Steve Bannon said he’s “totally uncowed” by Roy Moore loss, vows to fight GOP in 2018
–– Bull.
UK tribunal declares WikiLeaks a media organization
–– In fake category.
North Korea's Second Most Powerful Official After Kim Jong Un Vanishes, Raising Fears of Execution
–– Scheduled for flight on next rocket test.
George Will Says Donald Trump Now ‘Nation’s Worst President’
–– George W. Bush, grinning: ‘Shucks.’
Laura Ingraham Defends Tavis Smiley Against Misconduct Charges: ‘I Think He Is Telling the Truth’
–– What a character witness.
Ex-Today Staffer Says Matt Lauer Cheated on His Wife with Her: He 'Took Advantage of His Power'
–– ‘'N' I'm just a girl who cain't say no.'
Putin says U.S. influenced doping informant that cost Russia an Olympic berth
–– U.S meddled in Russian sport? Outrageous!
Mario Batali Officially Fired From ‘The Chew’ Amid Sexual Harassment Scandal
–– Bites it.
‘Sunday Night Football' takes a big hit as NFL ratings still struggle
–– Nielsen family diagnosed with CTE.
Trump judicial nominee struggles to answer basic legal questions at hearing
–– Not qualified to be line judge at HS tennis tournament.
For the first time, a key Republican senator finds a Trump judicial nominee whom he can't support
–– Judge doody.
Dustin Hoffman Accused of Exposing Himself to a Minor, Assaulting Two Women
–– Little Pig Man.
Rupert Murdoch Is Having His King Lear Moment
–– Or Leer.
FCC Chairman Ajit Pai 'jokes' about being a Verizon shill
–– We can jeer him now.
F.C.C. Repeals Net Neutrality Rules
–– Chair Pai doesn’t bother to rinse after Verizon finishes.
‘Super Size Me' filmmaker admits to sexual misconduct
–– That’s what title referred to?
Hemophilia trial finds promising cure
–– Not bloody likely.
On tax cuts, Trump is the modern day JFK
–– Why not in motorcades?
‘The Toxic Avenger’ Remake Almost Had Kevin Smith As A Director
–– Certainly deserved him.
Farenthold to retire from House amid harassment accusations
–– Give Texas Hold'em whole new meaning.
Roy Moore issues fiery video refusing to concede: 'Immorality sweeps over our land'
–– ‘And ah want in!’
Kentucky lawmaker accused of molesting teenage girl shot himself in the head, coroner says
–– Roy? Y'all listening?
Disney to Buy 21st Century Fox Assets for $52.4 Billion in Historic Hollywood Merger
–– Rupert pet trick.
Disney-Fox Deal Marks Seismic Shift for Hollywood's Studio System
–– They’re remaking Earthquake?
'Deadpool' Can Stay R-Rated at Disney, Says Bob Iger
–– Walt spinning in like Alice in teacup.
Mark Cuban Says Vince McMahon Thinks New Japan Pro Wrestling Is 'Little S--ts'
–– Assumo the worst.
PBS Suspends ‘Tavis Smiley’ Following Sexual Misconduct Investigation
–– Smiley faced.
Music Mogul Russell Simmons Is Accused of Rape by 3 Women
–– Want Simmons beauty arrest.
Pedophile Barred From Leaving Australia as Sex Tourism Law Takes Effect
–– Ticket to Alabama canceled.
We fact-check White House claim that Trump's immigration plan would've prevented the NYC bombing
–– Found he was not president seven years ago when assailant emigrated.
The Spotted Pig Restaurant in New York Had 'Rape Room' Where Ken Friedman and Chef Mario Batali Are Accused Of Assault
–– Easy to spot pig.
Trump: ‘I Said Roy Moore Will Not Be Able to Win’ in Alabama
–– Also said, '
Roy Moore Lands Neo-Nazi Endorsement Before Election for 'Correctly' Quoting Hitler
–– Knows his Scripture.
Woman who hoarded 84 Great Danes found guilty
–– In hamlet.
Watch: CNN's Don Lemon, Branded 'Dumbest Man' on TV by Trump, Lost for Words at Kayla Moore's Cringeworthy Anti-Semitism Defense
–– Confirming Trump’s analysis?
Brinks robbery driver sues parole board for denying her release
–– Brinks of disaster.
Luc Robitaille's wife Stacia alleges Trump made 'aggressive' advances in elevator
–– That hockey puck!
Alpine skiing-People hope 'I break my neck' after Trump comments: Vonn
–– All downhill from there.
Trump Wants $700 Billion for Defense and Has No Idea Where Money Will Come From
–– His ass, same place as all his ideas?
Mom dodges prison for being passed out on drugs as son froze to death
–– No time in cooler?
Daredevil 'Rooftopper' Plunges To His Death From Chinese High Rise
–– Turned ‘Basementdweller.’
‘SNL’ Names Michael Che, Colin Jost Co-Head Writers
–– Two equal one wit?
Rep. King: Bannon looks like disheveled drunk
–– Disheveled drunk: ‘Up ‘hic’ yersh!’
Man leaves $2,000 tip on $17 breakfast tab
–– Too grand gesture.
Alabama GOP Sen. Luther Strange called Doug Jones last night
–– Strange.
USA Today bashes Trump as 'not fit to clean the toilets' in Obama's presidential library
–– Unless he uses mouth.
Once a Long Shot, Democrat Doug Jones Wins Alabama Senate Race
–– Like American Sniper.
New York bombing suspect on Facebook: 'Trump you failed'
–– Fuck-up trolled by failure.
Pro-Trump students in MAGA hats booted from 'safe space' campus coffee shop
–– And boots tipped.
Dennis Rodman Wants Donald Trump to Send Him to North Korea for Talks
–– Only if he promises not to come back.
What Ever Did Trump Mean When He Tweeted That Kirsten Gillibrand "Would Do Anything" for Campaign Donations?
–– “She was so into me…I could tell she wanted to steam my pants.”
Kayla Moore: We're no bigots, 'one of our attorneys is a Jew'
–– Making hand gestures to indicate big schnoz, horns.
Sean Spicer announces he's writing a book
–– Stop the Press!
Ryan Lizza fired by The New Yorker for alleged sexual misconduct
–– Talk of the town.
Donald Trump's Sexual Misconduct Accuser Says President Groped Her Then Called Her A C**t
–– A cabt?
President Trump 'Resented' Ivanka's Criticism Of Roy Moore in Alabama Senate Race
–– Forgave her after
Alabama Senate Race, Unlikely Nail Biter, Races to Finish Line
–– Unlikely it will be nail biter.
Bomber Was Retaliating for Attacks on ISIS, Authorities Say
–– They got avenger they deserve.
“Power,” "Woke" Top List of Most-Used Fashion Words of 2017
–– Or abused?
Gigi Hadid's Armpit Hair Wasn't Armpit Hair After All
–– Pity.
‘Endless Summer’ Filmmaker Bruce Brown Dies at 80
–– Hangs ten.
Can Parents ‘Robot-Proof’ Their Child’s Job Future?
–– Only if future contains time machine to past.
Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand calls on Trump to resign
–– Ten months too late.
Why Are TV's Top Male Executives Being Replaced by ... Men?
–– Geez, c’mon…‘Male’ is in job title.
Thomas Wildfire Grows to Fifth Largest in California History
–– Gets own PBS kiddie show.
Conrad Brooks, Actor in 'Plan 9 From Outer Space' and Other Ed Wood Films, Dies at 86
–– Dead Wood.
Abu Dhabi Says It Paid ‘Right’ Price for $450 Million Da Vinci
–– Beat out
Saudi Arabia lifts 35-year ban on movie theaters
–– Can only play Lawrence of Arabia.
Catherine Zeta-Jones Wishes Her Hero Kirk Douglas a Happy 101st Birthday
–– Addled Kirk thanks 'Zaide Jones.'
It's Catherine Zeta-Joan! How Tinseltown is turning the Welsh actress into a dead ringer for Dame Joan
–– Jonesing for Collins!
‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’ First Reactions Are Highly Positive: ‘It Will Shatter You — and Then Make You Whole Again’
–– Sez Fan Solo.
A new portrait of Prince Philip has been revealed which highlights his Danish heritage
–– Him holding pastry.
The 1 Thing You Should Never Put on a Sandwich, According to the Sandwich King Himself
–– Your 'Little King.'
As Alabama prepares to vote, Republican Sen. Richard Shelby says state 'deserves better' than Moore
–– Not really, but
Collins says Senate will face ‘tough decision’ if Moore wins
–– Lucky they didn't have to
Trump Group Sends 12-Year-Old Girl to Interview Roy Moore Ahead of Alabama Election
–– In luring case.
Trump Reportedly Loves Showing White House Guests His Bathrooms
–– Or ‘Tweet Shacks’ as he calls them.
North Korea ROCKED by earthquakes after nuclear blast amid fears MORE tests are on the way
–– Residents PRAYING they're swallowed up.
Kim Jong Un Celebrates Missile Launch By Visiting A Sacred Volcano Where His Father Was Supposedly Born
–– Kim Mag-ma was original choice for name.
Mario Batali Takes Leave Over Sexual-Misconduct Allegations
–– Assault and Batali.
Anthony Bourdain feels 'guilty as f--k' over Mario Batali: 'I’ve been sitting on stories that were not mine to tell'
–– As fork?
California wildfires now larger than New York City and Boston combined
–– And have more culture than whole rest of state.
Actor comes out as undocumented
–– Nominated in undocumentary category.
In Franken’s wake, three senators call on President Trump to resign
–– President realizes error of his ways, decides to put country first, apologizes to women and steps … oh, ohh, wait, it was only a dream …
UN Ambassador Haley cites 'will of American people' on Jerusalem decision
–– ’37% of you weren’t totally against it!’
Tears, Pomp, Extravagance as France Mourns Rocker Johnny Hallyday
–– French trickler.
Trump Calls "Fake News Media" a "Stain on America"
–– “Like the one in my shorts.”
Jane Fonda Raises $1.3 Million at 80th Birthday Fundraiser
–– Only half for botox, fillers.
Angry Grandpa, Cranky YouTube Sensation, Dies at 67
–– Kvetch and release.
‘King of Spin' Max Clifford dies
–– Guess what he’ll be doing in grave.
’I Had to Clean Up Underwear’: Can Startup ‘Bro Culture’ Be Reformed?
–– Brought up shorts.
Nuclear destruction 'one impulsive tantrum away,' Nobel winners warn
–– Flabby thigh heat rash could trigger it.
Alabama Sen. Shelby: 'I couldn't vote for Roy Moore'
–– Write-in wrongs.
Iraq is 'fully liberated' from ISIS, its military says
–– To be renamed Freedonia.
Trump recorded robocall for Roy Moore
–– As KKK-2SO.
TOUCH AND GO
Week of 12/08/17
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Franken resigns. It's the GOP's turn now
–– Hold your breath.
Apple to Acquire Shazam for About $400 Million
–– Billy Batson heartbroken.
Now That Al Franken Is Gone, Democrats Need to Hold Hearings on Trump
–– But Republicans will never hold listenings.
Cristiano Ronaldo: 'I'm the Best Player in History,' 'Have Always Thought That'
–– Talk about over-inflated balls.
Bitcoin plunges more than $3,000 after hitting new record
–– On Monopoly Money Index.
Is Trump's base fraying?
–– The hair weave’s unraveling?
Corey Lewandowski claims Trump's insulting nicknames show a deep grasp of Jungian psychology
–– Jung and foolish.
Lewandowski: Yes, I steamed Trump's pants
–– In latest slang for splooged.
Seth Rogen Drops SiriusXM Interviews in Protest of Steve Bannon Getting Program
–– 12-step?
Geoffrey Rush Sues Australian Paper After ‘Inappropriate Behavior’ Allegations
–– Mad Rush.
Tillerson: Jerusalem Embassy Move Will Take at Least 2 Years
–– ‘Huge underground bunkers don’t grow on trees.’
This Guy Researched The Onscreen History Of The Phrase ‘That’s Gonna Leave A Mark’
–– He will not.
Dylan Farrow Asks Why Woody Allen Has Been Spared After Harvey Weinstein Scandal
–– Woody confess?
Kate Winslet On Woody Allen: 'On Some Level, Woody Is A Woman'
–– Which might explain self-abuse.
Barack Obama accused of comparing Donald Trump with Hitler
–– Goo step.
Jennifer Lawrence Says Harvey Weinstein Was 'Paternal' to Her: 'I Didn't Know He Was a Rapist'
–– Paternal in Donald/Ivanka sense.
White House Solved Mystery of Donald Trump’s Slurred Speech—And It Has Nothing to Do With His Teeth
–– They’re not loose, his neurons are.
President Trump will undergo medical evaluation
–– Needs check-up from neck up.
Roy Moore Tried to Hold Rally at Barn Owned by Alabama Child Sex Abuse Advocate
–– Too late for intervention?
How to beat Roy Moore, according to the guy who nearly did
–– With Doug Jones’ wet noodle?
Roy Moore: Last Time America Was 'Great' Was During 'Slavery'
–– Chains of fool.
Roy Moore's incredible 'even though we had slavery' quote
–– ‘We’ll always have Paris’ for racists.
Trump says country 'can't afford' to let Roy Moore lose
–– After tax plan can't afford much.
House lawyers split over Trump Jr. claiming attorney-client privilege to avoid questions
–– Better Call Saul was on in background.
Drew Brees Says Thursday Night Football Is 'Absolutely' Not Safe
–– Sunday, Monday night ‘totally’ not safe.
Trump rally first test in Democrats' search for payoff from lawmaker purge
–– Like most purges, just leaves bodily fluids.
Trump’s approval rating at 32%
–– Approx. 1 turd.
Rep. Trent Franks offered $5 million to aide to bear his child, resigns amid inquiry
–– Red hot Franks.
Geno Smith unhappy with decision to bench him
–– ‘I suck way more than Eli!’
President Trump's Mental Health Is Deteriorating Amid Mueller Investigation, 'Morning Joe' Claims
–– Fifty shades of cray.
Michael Flynn Warning Led Trump to Fire Chris Christie From Transition Team, New Jersey Governor Says
–– Proudest moment in office.
Donald and Melania Trump both flub Pearl Harbor tweets
–– Share date that will live in infamy.
Jennifer Lawrence on returning to the 'X-Men' series: 'I kinda f---ed myself'
–– That should sell tickets.
Father Shoots Gunman Threatening Family in Texas Restaurant
–– Left bullet tip.
Ivanka Trump posts sweet photo of kids hiding under her red dress -- but many were quick to call out her mistake
–– Dad was down there, too.
Matt Lauer Won't Be Cut From 'I, Tonya' or 'Lady Bird'
–– Instead kneecapped onscreen.
J.K. Rowling Defends Casting Johnny Depp in 'Fantastic Beasts' Sequel
–– 'I mean, his actions were beastly!'
‘Dick Van Dyke' Star Rose Marie: What Happened When I Publicly Shamed My Harasser
–– He grunted, let go of hair, put down club.
Tom Brady on 'Damn Good QB' Colin Kaepernick: 'No Idea' If He's Blackballed
–– ‘But Afro would definitely not fit under helmet.’
Trump: 'I'm the only one that matters'
–– Finally, honesty.
How to Reduce Medical Drug Prices At A Stroke
–– Or an infarction.
New Book Quotes Trump Saying White House Comms Director Had 'as Much Experience as a Cup of Coffee'
–– More like Sanka.
Russian operatives tried to contact Hope Hicks, NYT reports
–– Hix nix dix pix.
Trump Said Probing His Finances Would Be A 'Red Line.' That's Exactly What Robert Mueller Is Now Doing.
–– Red ink line.
Public-Radio Icon John Hockenberry Accused of Harassing Female Colleagues
–– Male workers not paralyzed from waist down really worried.
Longtime WNYC Hosts Leonard Lopate, Jonathan Schwartz Placed On Leave
–– For inappropriate fun-raising.
Kal Penn Writing a Memoir
–– Penning it?
Naked Guy Knocks Up Naked Girl On Naked Reality Show
–– Barely.
The NFL's Wokest Team Faces Ultimate Test of Its Resolve on and off the Field
–– Bold Eagles.
Planetarium Opens in New Jersey, Ushering in a New Kind of Star Wars
–– Gazed and confused.
Phony sign language interpreter signs gibberish
–– Need for Trump’s State of Union.
Polygamist farmer: I've struggled with it
–– Shouldn’t he call cow wife ‘her’?
Bannon on Romney: 'You hid behind your religion' to avoid Vietnam
–– ‘Real men hide behind bone spurs!’
Coal CEO: Senate tax plan 'wipes us out'
–– Will take their lumps.
Time’s Person of the Year 2017 is 'The Silence Breakers'
–– Not loudmouth in White House?
Johnny Hallyday, the Elvis of France, dies at 74
–– Hallyday on ice.
–– If only they'd gotten lost.
Terry Crews Sues WME & “Rabid Dog” Adam Venit For Sexual Assault
–– Wouldn’t let go of bone.
Donald Trump's Typical McDonald's Dinner Order Is A Calorific Nightmare
–– Calories go straight to head.
McDonald’s returns to value pricing with $1 $2 $3 Dollar Menu
–– In response to Republican tax plan.
What About the Girls Roy Never Molested, Asks Roy Moore’s Spokesperson
–– 'We'll find 'em eventually.'
John Oliver grills Dustin Hoffman over sexual harassment allegations
–– Like Olivier in Marathon Man.
New Dustin Hoffman Accuser Claims Harassment and Physical Violation on Broadway
–– Willy low, man.
Cocaine deaths among blacks on par with opioid deaths among whites, study finds
–– White lines matter.
McMaster: National security team ‘not missing a beat’ because of Trump controversies
–– It’s completely beat.
Russia Mocks Mueller Investigation and Michael Flynn: ‘Is This a Crime Worthy of the Electric Chair?’
–– Is murder by your president?
Minister Sparks Outrage After Asking People To Pray For Prince George To Be Gay
–– Who doesn't want happy toddler?
Trump Is Giving Staffers Secret Assignments And Telling Aides To Hide Them From John Kelly, According To New Report
–– Mostly to sneak in junk food.
GOP Senator Implies Those Who Aren't Millionaires Waste Money On 'Booze, Women'
–– Waste only because both will be cheap.
Yemen’s former President Ali Abdullah Saleh killed in Sanaa
–– Sanaatized.
Ad promises students 'You won't feel like you're in China when you're on our buses'
–– You'll feel like you're on way to white supremacist rally.
‘Frozen’ short ending its run with 'Coco'
–– Enough stiffs in main feature.
Jennifer Lawrence and Adam Sandler Discuss Why They Avoid Reviews of Their Movies
–– Their movies.
Ben McAdoo, Jerry Reese Fired by Giants After 2-10 Record This Season
–– McAdone.
’House of Cards' to Resume Production in 2018 Without Star Kevin Spacey
–– Producers not playing with full deck.
HBO Removes Russell Simmons’ Name From ‘All Def Comedy’
–– Not short for 'Defile.'
WH lawyer told Trump that Flynn misled FBI and Pence
–– What did he know, when did he forget it?
Trump’s personal lawyer claims the President can't obstruct justice
–– And Nixon didn’t resign under threat of impeachment for same.
President Trump defends Michael Flynn for lying to FBI by claiming Hillary Clinton did the same thing
–– Classic 'I'm-rubber-you're-glue' defense.'
Trump calls Roy Moore to offer his endorsement
–– And ask for copy of little black book.
The Federalist: Is What Moore Did Really So Bad?
–– Not for him.
Trump throws full support behind embattled Alabama Republican Roy Moore
–– Which is Moore's usual position behind cheerleader.
Roy Moore took inspiration from disgraced S.A. pastor
–– Sore Asshole?
Met Opera Suspends James Levine After New Sexual Abuse Accusations
–– No way to conduct self.
Economists Say The Trump Tax Plan Will Have Disastrous Consequences
–– Fact Nazis!
Kim Jong-un thanks North Korean workers for making tyres to transport latest ballistic missile
–– Promises celebratory blowout.
Republicans Will Cut Social Security And Medicare After Tax Plan Passes, Says Marco Rubio
–– SPOILER ALERT!
Former Aides Reveal Trump's 'Face-Ripping' Tantrums and Gargantuan Junk Food Binges on Campaign Trail
–– Campain indeed.
Fox News' Tucker Carlson — a registered Democrat — explains why he always votes for the most corrupt mayoral candidate
–– Sees self in them.
McMaster distances himself from Flynn
–– McMaster of none.
NRA Member Invited Trump To Kremlin On Behalf of Putin, According To Report
–– Tried to arrange shotgun marriage.
What It Means to "Dead-Name" a Transgender Person, and Why You Should Stop
–– Call them Mort?
Mitch McConnell backtracks three weeks after saying Roy Moore should drop out: 'I’m going to let the people of Alabama make the call'
–– Replacement spine shrivels.
North Korea's Nuclear Test Are Spreading 'Ghost Disease' Causing Deformations, Defectors Say
–– Casper has hump.
Donald Trump impeachment odds slashed after Michael Flynn agrees to co-operate with FBI Russia probe
–– Barron bets milk money.
A man's tattoo left doctors debating whether to save his life
–– Read MAGA.
The real reason Wall Street is euphoric over the tax plan
–– Hard not to smile imagining sick babies, no insurance.
Voyager 1 spacecraft thrusters fired up for first time since 1980
–– Like Viagra 1.
Senate Passes Massive Tax Cuts For The Rich In Middle Of The Night
–– Nocturnal emission accomplished.
SINGING FOR HIS SUCKER
Week of 12/01/17
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Michael Flynn pleads guilty, may have flipped on Donald Trump
–– Likely did every acrobatic maneuver on him.
–– Sweeping dirt on graves of poor.
Kushner Is Said to Have Ordered Flynn to Contact Russia
–– And Jared can’t use john without Trump OK.
'Lock them up!' — 'The View' erupts in surreal applause upon learning of Michael Flynn plea deal
–– Trump: ‘Chicks!’
Paul Ryan 'doesn't know' if there's a difference between Roy Moore and Donald Trump
–– 'Like, does Roy lust after own daughter.'
–– Clamps down.
Trump Tweets ‘Build the Wall’ After Immigrant Is Acquitted in Kathryn Steinle Case
–– Trump proved best character witness for Zarate.
Scientists perform DNA tests on 'Yeti' samples
–– Compare to Nessie’s spit sample.
That One Time Meredith Vieira Found A ‘Huge Bag Of Sex Toys’ In Matt Lauer’s Office
–– And dildo sitting in his chair.
–– Haters back on.
Geoffrey Rush Denies “Inappropriate Behavior” During Sydney Theatre Production
––
Rush to judgment?
James Franco To Direct & Star In Film About Artist Shel Silverstein For MWM, Wonderland Sound
––
Shelling out.
Blake Farenthold Used $84,000 In Taxpayer Money To Settle Sexual Harassment Claim, Politico Reports
–– His just showing face to woman constitutes assault.
White House chief of staff soured on Tillerson post-'moron' comment
–– And the truth shall set you free.
John Cena Slapped With Fraud Lawsuit by Ford
–– Or vice versa.
I’m a Depression historian. The GOP tax bill is straight out of 1929.
–– Historically bad.
During tax debate, Republican questions funding for children's health
–– CHIPs are down.
Neo-Nazi Loses Job, Says He Might Lose Home After Widely Criticized New York Times Profile
–– Really goose-stepped in it.
He’s going to prison for shooting a cop. The cop taunted him with K-Y Jelly in court.
–– Smear tactic.
Donald Trump is a psychopath, suffers psychosis and is an 'enormous present danger', says psychiatrist
–– Also confirms 2 + 2 = 4.
Pamela Anderson Blames Harvey Weinstein Victims: ‘You Know What You’re Getting Into If You Go to a Hotel Room Alone’
–– Dozens of sports channels?
Believe! Hundreds of empty seats are pictured at Trump's Christmas tree lighting ceremony in DC compared to Obama's first switch on where there was a packed house
–– WH insists they were filled with Christmas fairies –– not that kind.
EWW! White House Has A Problem With Cockroaches, Ants And Mice
–– And much, much bigger pests.
Jimmy Kimmel Accepts Roy Moore's Invitation to Meet "Man to Man"
–– Who will Moore send?
Amid Other Missteps, Durst Detective Admits Sex With Likely Witness
–– Durst bag.
Jerry Seinfeld Convinced Hugh Jackman to Retire as Wolverine
–– ‘Yeah, so what is it with those retractable claws? Can he even afford manicures? Boy, the furniture in his house must be a mess. And what about…'
Jim Nabors, TV’s Gomer Pyle and Singer, Dies at 87
–– No surprise, surprise, surprise.
Ex-Twitter worker who 'admires' Trump says he was behind account deactivation
–– Sounds like typical genius Trump supporter.
Joe Barton will not seek re-election following nude photo incident
–– Just hoping for re-erection.
Daniel Day-Lewis reveals why he quit acting
–– Couldn't face another Oscar campaign.
Amber Rudd tells people outraged by Donald Trump's anti-Muslim tweets to 'remember the bigger picture'
–– Armageddon.
Theresa May condemns Donald Trump's anti-Muslim tweets as 'wrong' – but won't say she'll tell him to stop
–– ‘I’d never ask a man to give up his livelihood.’
White House Plans Tillerson Ouster From State Dept., to Be Replaced by Pompeo, Within Weeks
–– Why not just install Barron?
Archaeologists Sent an Ancient Egyptian Mummy Through an Imaging Scanner—Here's What They Saw
–– Not sure, but looks like Betty White.
Ivanka Trump Talks Female Empowerment in India. But She's Faced Criticism Over Her Brand's Factories There
–– Suggests underaged workers make Grrl Power tees for selves.
Man choked, defecates himself after trying to pay ticket in pennies, lawsuit says
–– He did for shits and giggles.
How a McDonald's food bag led Tampa police to alleged serial killer
–– 'Special sauce' DNA sample.
Trump Is 'Unmoored,' Says New York Times Top Reporter Maggie Haberman
–– Has no oars in water.
Sioux Leader To Trump: 'Leave The Office You Bought And Take Your Swamp Things With You'
–– Sioux-whee!
White House Bars One of Few Black Journalists From Attending Christmas Party
–– When she refused to wear maid's uniform, serve eggnog.
Trump’s Co-Author: White House Now 'Deeply Concerned About His Mental Health'
–– Should examine own for serving him.
Trump Retweets Anti-Islamic Videos by British Far-Right Group
–– Early Christmas greeting.
Trump retweeted anti-Muslim videos to 'elevate the conversation', White House claims
–– 'And you have to touch absolute bottom before you can do that.'
Woman who shared Britain First tweets with Donald Trump says it is 'irrelevant' they are misleading
–– Coulter: ‘Cow flop, bullshit, deer scat…what’s the difference?’
’News is a Flirty Business.' Geraldo Rivera Defends Matt Lauer Amid Harassment Accusations
–– With disaster, apparently.
Matt Lauer: 'To the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry'
–– ‘Which is mostly me.’
Ann Curry Had This to Say About Matt Lauer’s Firing from the Today Show
–– Is squelaing uncontrollably 'saying' something?
Megyn Kelly: ‘I Heard Rumors’ About Matt Lauer, But ‘I Hear a Lot of Rumors About Myself’
–– Lauer expectations.
Matt Lauer may lose ownership of his farm amid sexual misconduct allegations
–– He bought the farm
Trump responds to Theresa May: 'We are doing just fine!'
–– Question was: 'Asshole.'
Trump: The rich people actually don't like me
–– Well, they are still people.
Trump calls Kim Jong Un 'sick puppy'
–– Says 'dirty dog'.
Marvel Comics New Editor-in-Chief Admits He Once Wrote Under Japanese Pseudonym
–– More in sorrow than in manga.
Trump’s behavior raises questions of competency
–– Or settles questions of incompetency?
Donald Trump Jr. to talk to House Intelligence Committee behind closed doors
–– Closed because they’re embarrassed to be seen with him.
Solange Honored As Billboard Impact Award Winner for 2017 Women In Music, Ciara to Host
–– For hitting wall.
Bono and Chris Martin Cover "One for My Baby" for AIDS Charity on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live!'
–– Which one bigger baby?
US man arrested for yelling sexist obscenity at Canada reporter
–– No charges if he'd said it politely.
Garrison Keillor fired by MPR: 'I put my hand on a woman's bare back,' he says
–– Talk about a back slap.
War Criminal Dies After Apparently Drinking Poison in Court
–– Should be be inspiration to all convictees.
Sean Hannity Criticizes N.Y. Times for Choosing "Angry" Photo of Him
–– Instead of traditional “Stupid” one.
Hollywood Workplaces Face Thorny Questions Amid Harassment Claims
–– After horny ones.
Anthony Scaramucci Quits Tufts Advisory Board After Tangling With Student Paper
–– Claimed Student Council veep sucked own cock in call to staff reporter.
NPR chief news editor David Sweeney is ousted after sexual harassment allegations
–– Which doesn’t even qualify as news anymore.
Former Conyers aide: 'Most of us' have seen him in his underwear
–– Delivering briefs.
Mother faces felony charge after using recorder to thwart school bullies
–– She did beat them over head with device.
Berlin restaurant owner 'rigged card games using radioactive substance'
–– Played Chernobyl Hold 'Em.
Actor Bambadjan Bamba comes out as undocumented: 'We just can't be scared anymore.'
–– And as actor.
Thieves steal car in 75 seconds
–– Trying to beat Nicolas Cage in crappy movie.
Jersey Shore Is Back with a 'Family Vacation' But One Original Cast Member Is Not Joining Them
–– Herpes stayed home.
How Tax Bills Would Reward Companies That Moved Money Offshore
–– Handsomely.
New York Yankees president: GOP tax deal helps special interests, hurts middle class
–– McConnell: ‘Right, a home run.’
Melania Trump Looks Laid-Back in $470 Acne Turtleneck and Skinny Jeans
–– Squeezes into jeans, squeezes turtleneck.
Archbishop Of Canterbury: 'I Genuinely Do Not Understand' Christians Who Back Trump
–– Evangelical: 'A Godless, Muslim-lovin', homo limey wouldn't.'
Roy Moore compares accusations against him to Russia probe
–– So he confesses?
Melania Trump Unveils White House Christmas Decor, Reigniting Lies About Obama and Nativity Scene
–– Allegations baby in manger was
Rex Tillerson's State Department Reorganizer Resigns After Just 3 Months
–– Secretary dissatisfied with placement of deck chairs on Titanic.
GOP Strategist: Sarah Huckabee Sanders Has A 'Tiny Shriveled Husk Left In Her Soul'
–– Not far from tiny shriveled husk in head.
Facebook is rolling out AI-based suicide prevention effort
–– Nothing like human touch.
What’s in That Can of Chock Full o’Nuts? ‘No Nuts,’ Can Promises
–– Lady Fingers promises ‘No digits’, Hershey’s Kisses ‘No smooches’, Kit Kat bars ‘No feline’, Cheez Doodles ‘No sketches’, Hebrew National ‘No Rabbis’, Frito-Lay ‘No sex’, Fiddle Faddle ‘No violin’, Cracker Jack ‘No Southerner’ and ‘No playing card’.
James Cameron Shares Kate Winslet’s One Demand on ‘Avatar’ Sequels
–– Blue Jake doesn’t hang out of space ship, scream, ‘I’m King of the world!’
Harvey Weinstein Expelled From Directors Guild of America
–– Amazon Prime membership revoked, library card stripped.
Tesla has built the world's biggest battery in Australia
–– Will power iPhone 24 hours before recharging.
A woman approached The Post with dramatic — and false — tale about Roy Moore. She appears to be part of undercover sting operation.
–– Moore: 'Funny thing, ah do remember her.'
Trump Donated to Project Veritas Before Organization Tried to Trick Washington Post With Outrageous Roy Moore Claim
–– So 'veritas' Latin for ‘bullshit'?
Jordan Peele Calls Out Tiger Woods For Playing Golf With Trump: ‘Now You’re In The Sunken Place'
–– Woods: ‘Get out!’
‘Avengers 4' Will Feature Something 'Never Seen' Before In A Superhero Movie
–– Climactic battle that’s too short?
Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia vows to rid the world of Islamic terrorism
–– Then try to explain Twin Peaks: The Return.
Donald Trump Never Changed Diapers or Played Sports With His Children, Says Ivana Trump
–– Not even his own.
Susan Sarandon Says 'We Would Be At War' If Hillary Clinton Had Won
–– Instead of in pieces.
Africans are being sold at Libyan slave markets. Thanks, Hillary Clinton.
–– InfoWars claims she picked up two for Bill.
Bill Clinton's housekeeping staff was "afraid to bend over" in front of the former president, Linda Tripp says
–– Linda trippin.
Lindsey Graham says 'the moral of the story is don't nominate somebody like Roy Moore'
–– The title: One Little Pig.
Poor Americans would lose billions under Senate GOP tax bill
–– McConnell: 'See, in America poor are already billionaires.'
Lowest-income Americans would take bigger hit than first thought under Senate GOP tax bill, CBO says
–– McConnell: 'We found those rascals were hiding more in their matresses.'
McCain: Trump Has No 'Principles and Beliefs,' Just 'Takes Advantage of Situations’
–– 'Like me and my Senate colleagues believe in reaming the poor.'
Women speak out about sexual assault at Massage Envy spas: 'The day changed my life forever'
–– Unhappy ending.
Kevin Sorbo Exposes Mainstream Media Bias with Simple Question on Donald Trump
–– Painfully simple.
Meghan Markle 'Won't Be Allowed to Be Black Princess' by Royal Family, Experts Say
–– #WindsorsSoWhite.
Pickup truck slams into gym wall
–– Doing work routine.
Trump slams CNN International — and journalists fire back
–– Hates anything with International in name except IHOP.
In America’s Heartland, the Nazi Sympathizer Next Door
–– Keeping up with the Goebbels.
New York Times says it regrets offense caused by 'Nazi sympathizer' story
–– Serial killers demand want own coverage.
A woman gets a birthday card from her dad, five years after his death
–– Post-mortem.
At a Navajo veterans' event, Trump makes 'Pocahontas' crack
–– Trump: ‘Look, now everyone’s red-faced.’
Navajo vets honored near Andrew Jackson image
–– No Indian Removal Act.
Amazon, in Hunt for Lower Prices, Recruits Indian Merchants
–– Dehli cold cuts.
Suit Aims to Block Trump’s Pick From Taking Over Agency
–– Empty suit.
NYT: Trump questions authenticity of 'Access Hollywood' tape
–– Wants DOJ to investigate 'reality'.
Richard Branson says he does not remember alleged sexual assault
–– But she was no Virgin.
Pope Francis walks religious, diplomatic tightrope in Myanmar
–– Expects close Burma shave.
Time Inc. has new owners, including the Koch brothers
–– Now Trump can be “Person Every Year.’
Trudeau’s teary apology to indigenous students
–– Canada wet.
Ivanka Trump And Chelsea Clinton Come To Malia Obama’s Defense Against The Tabloids
–– Of the first daughter.
Jared Kushner’s Vast Duties, and Visibility in White House, Shrink
–– Hiding behind potted plant.
Wendy’s Deliciously Trolls McDonald’s Over Botched Black Friday Tweet
–– Adds actual Troll to Baconator.