Headbangers
Headbangers 11/17
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Headbangers 03/17
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Headliners
Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

PRICE SLASHED
Week of 09/29/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Tom Price Resigns as Health and Human Services Secretary After Furor Over Use of Private Jets
–– Trump: ‘Bilking taxpayers is my gig.’

Workers may have found Paul Revere's outhouse
–– #2 if by sea.

Tom Price, out as Health secretary, was worth $14 million
–– Priceless.

Price vows reimbursement for flights 'approved through the normal process'
–– Of ripping off HHS.

Big winner under Trump's tax plan for 'everyday Americans': Donald J Trump
–– Tragically, we're reminded every day he’s American.

Trump Could Save More Than $1 Billion Under His New Tax Plan
–– Quite the coinkydink!

How Did Hugh Hefner Die? What 'Natural Causes' Means
–– Went off Hef cocked.

Herbert Kalmbach, Who Figured in Watergate Payoffs, Dies at 95
–– Right before Trump coud hire as consultant.

Price chalks up jet travel to Trump’s ‘very ambitious agenda’
–– To bankrupt government.

News Anchor Gives Birth to Baby Boy After Her Water Breaks Live on Air
–– Fortuitously during report on Hurricane Irma.

Clapper: When I briefed Trump, he accepted DNC hacker wasn't 400-pound man
–– But added it could’ve been fat lady.

Cashier who stole $13 million at work gets 8 years in prison
–– Replaced at McDonald’s cash register.

Canadian woman warns of eye tattoos after botched one leaves her partially blind
–– Didn’t see it coming?

Woman Who Allegedly Poisoned Niece's Breast Milk Didn't 'Feel an Ounce of Guilt,' Cops Say
–– Nor drop of milk of human kindness.

A Former Vietnam Energy Boss Has Been Sentenced to Death in a Mass Corruption Trial
–– Nam perishable.

Paul Ryan sees Trump 'giving us the leadership we need'
–– Leadership you deserve.

Women to plead not guilty in high-profile Kim Jong Nam murder trial
–– Won't name Nams.

Rescue Worries that All the Strays of Puerto Rico's 'Dead Dog Beach' Perished During Hurricane Maria
–– Sad, but strangely appropriate.

‘Empire’s' Jussie Smollett Slams Trump As A 'Pig, Racist And A Horrible Human Being'
–– Yeah, but what about the hair?

Bar With Homemade 'Lynch Kaepernick' Doormat Can't Figure Out Why Everyone Is Calling It Racist
–– Should replace with jerseys 'White Smallwood.'

ISIS Leader Baghdadi Speaks of North Korea ‘Nuclear’ Threat to U.S. in New Speech, Suggesting He Is Alive
–– Also congratulated Kylie Jenner on pregnancy.

These Are The Restaurants Banning NFL Games Because of Anthem Protests
–– The Lynch Counter, Cracker in the Box, KKKFC.

Rep. Steve Scalise returns to House for 1st time since Alexandria shooting; tweets ‘I'm back'
–– Classic good news/bad news.

Melania Trump Donated Books to a School Library. Here's Why the Librarian Rejected Them
–– They’re in Slovene.

Millionaire Trump Adviser Says Americans Can 'Buy A New Car' With $1,000 Tax Cut
–– Chief economic advisor: ‘Or two!’

Trump Administration Says Employers Can Fire People for Being Gay
–– And bakeries can refuse to make going away cakes.

Lawmakers Lambast Twitter Over Lackluster Probe Into Russian-Linked Accounts
–– Tweet thins.

Russia warns U.S. over treatment of its media outlets
–– Pravduh.

Confused by Trump, North Korea contacts ex-US officials
–– Putting out feelers to Vince McMahon, WWE.

Amputee gives mesmerizing performance in Vegas
–– Feet of strength.

Ric Flair on Why He’s Not Proud to Admit He Slept with 10,000 Women: 'I Don’t Want My Grandkids to Know'
–– Flair for the traumatic.

If you look closely, you can see some lingering Hurricane Irma damage at Disney World
–– Pluto’s ears sticking straight out.

Fla. Mom Allegedly Tries to Hit Daughter's Boyfriend With Mercedes After He Told Her of Their Affair
–– Mercedes the housekeeper.

‘Dukes of Hazzard' Star Tom Wopat Allegedly Told 16-Year-Old He's Accused of Touching: 'I'm a Creepy Old Man'
–– Hopes for time off for self-awareness.

Zinke says his workers are disloyal. They say his personnel moves break the law.
–– Claims they have Interior motives.

Accused NSA leaker Reality Winner says she smuggled classified docs in her pantyhose: Documents
–– Yes, docs means documents, we know.

Pruitt Took Charter, Military Flights That Cost Taxpayers More Than $58,000
–– Insisted on least fuel efficient means of transport possible.

How a New York Times writer tracked down Donald Trump, Jr. after he went off the grid to go hunting
–– Scat.

Trump’s recent tweets supporting Luther Strange deleted
–– You can’t erase stupid.

Tom Cruise shuts down 'Valkyrie' fake butt speculation
–– He’s 100% genuine ass.

Exclusive: Russian-bought Black Lives Matter ad on Facebook targeted Baltimore and Ferguson
–– Name Black Sea Lives Matter was giveaway.

Trump says hospitalized senator can't vote
–– Because he doesn’t exist.

Trump Claims NFL Owners Are "Afraid of Their Players"
–– ‘Like if you were in the street and saw a big black guy.’

Hugh Hefner, Playboy Founder and Leader of '60s Sexual Revolution, Dies at 91
–– Centerfolds.

Jared Kushner is registered to vote as a female
–– Kobach voter fraud commission can pull plug.

Paul Horner, Fake News Writer Who Took Credit for Trump Victory, Dies at 38
–– We think.

Steven Seagal Calls NFL Kneelers ‘Disgusting,’ Gets Mocked on Twitter
–– Jealous anyone could kneel, get back up.

Lena Dunham compares Trump to Charleston mass murderer and white supremacist
–– Raises Roof.

Meet 'vika': New 2-pound rat discovered
–– Visiting family in NY subway tunnel.

Leonardo DiCaprio to Play Theodore Roosevelt in Martin Scorsese-Directed Biopic
–– Just so he can quit diet.

Trump infuriated after backing Alabama loser
–– His whole brand is backed by Alabama losers.

‘You’d think he'd get the basics right': Donald Trump mocked for repeatedly referring to the Spanish Prime Minister as 'President' during a press conference at the White House
–– You mean el basicos?

Russian ‘cannibal couple’ may have drugged, killed and eaten as many as 30 people, police say
–– Chew on that.

Hillary Clinton: I'm not sure Trump knows that Puerto Ricans are American citizens
–– He does, thinks they should be deported.

Joe: Who Raised the People That Boo John McCain?
–– Boos hounds.

Saudi women celebrate news they will finally be allowed to drive
–– Camels decline comment.

‘A feeble no may mean yes': Indian court overturns rape conviction
–– Did Lady Justice issue 'feeble no' before judge raped her?

Why Kobe Bryant is huge in China
–– Even bigger in North Korea.

EPA chief getting his own $25,000 sound-proof booth
–– Hiring Maxwell Smart to confer with under Cone of Silence.

Steven Tyler suffers 'unexpected medical issues,' Aerosmith cancels tour dates
–– Dude looks like a lady.

New STD cases hit record high in US, CDC says
–– Vini, VD, vici.

Tennessee’s Bob Corker Announces Retirement from Senate
–– To put cork in it.

Sessions Calls for ‘Recommitment’ to Free Speech on Campus, Diving Into Debate
–– In latest slang for hate speech.

Bannon, Farage say Roy Moore can save Trump from himself
–– He’d need Dr. Kervorkian for that.

Odell Beckham Jr. says peeing-dog celebration was a response to Donald Trump
–– Getting leg up on competition.

Bannon: NFL players should take a knee and ‘thank God’ Trump is president
–– If their God is Hades.

Clinton calls use of private email by Trump administration 'height of hypocrisy'
–– CC, senora.

Pentagon Says It Will Give Trump Options to Deal With North Korea If Its 'Provocative Actions' Do Not Desist
–– Copy of The Giant Book of Insults.

Funeral Director Charged After Allegedly Showing Off Photos of Corpses: Cops
–– Mortifying.

‘Kevin Can Wait' Botches 'Wife' Erinn Hayes' Death In Season Premiere
–– He couldn’t wait.

Mattis: US wants to resolve N. Korea standoff diplomatically
–– Can’t you tell?

Donald Trump 'joked about making Princess Diana take a HIV test before sex'
–– He would need test for mad cow disease.

Lindsey Graham Fights Back Tears Defending John McCain From Trump's Attacks
–– Reveals McGraham-in-a-heart tat.

NBC’s Megyn Kelly experiment unveils its latest creation, a morning-show Bride of Frankenstein
–– With better hair.

Alamo Drafthouse Severs Ties With Harry Knowles Over Sexual Assault Allegations
–– Ain’t it Crude?

At Least 6 White House Advisers Used Private Email Accounts
–– Lock them up…in loony bin.

Anthony Weiner gets 21 months in prison in sexting case
–– Lil Weiner on masturprobation.

Dear doubters, B.o.B wants to prove the Earth is flat once and for all
–– So he can be appointed to Trump Science Council.

Trump’s gut knows that America agrees with him on NFL controversy
–– It’s smartest part of him.

US sees 'no indication' Iran launched a ballistic missile, despite Trump tweet
–– Was likely dream prompted by nocturnal emission.

‘World’s heaviest woman' dies
–– Plot thickens.

Conservatives accuse the Pope of spreading heresy
–– Idol chatter.

This actress turned into a knife maker
–– Tempestt Bledsoe?

‘Clifford the Big Red Dog' Nabs 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' Director
–– Imprisons him in massive dump.

Twitter conspiracy theory erupt over Prince Harry's 'devil' hand gesture while greeting Melania Trump
–– Prince horny.

Yes, Princess Diana Told William About His Father's Affair - and She Did It in the Sweetest Way
–– ‘You know that Daddy’s in line to succeed the Queen? I’m going to make it easier for him with this cleaver.’

Trump: 'We're looking into' Price's use of private planes
–– With jealousy.

Is Melania Trump a Good First Lady? The President Made His Own Poll to Find Out
–– After she ignored his pole.

Lavrov says US will not strike North Korea
–– ‘And that’s an order.’

Trump Does Not See NFL Players Kneeling 'Through A Racial Lens' Claims White House Legislative Chief
–– It’s through ‘bigot binoculars.’

President Trump responds to anthem protests: 'locked arms is good, kneeling is not acceptable'
–– ‘Twerking OK for cheerleaders.’

Terry Bradshaw Says Donald Trump Doesn't Understand What Freedom Means
–– Neither does he, but he can blame CTE.

Richard Petty says he’d fire NASCAR drivers who protest national anthem
–– Talk about Petty.

White House Aide Struggles To Defend GOP Bill's Pre-Existing Conditions Loophole
–– Because its pre-existing condition is cranial rectosis.

Who Built Ancient Egypt’s Great Pyramid? Hidden Text Holds Clues to Thousand-Year-Old Mystery
–– Sent by Ben Carson addressed to Ramses IX.

Does Milan Matter?
–– If you want Italian-style schnitzel, maybe.

Nothing Is Too Strange for Cities Wooing Amazon to Build There
–– Custom piranha ponds for Bezos.

Angela Merkel, Reluctant Leader of the West, ‘Has Gotten the Taste for It’
–– Tastes like sauerbraten.

Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe calls snap election
–– Citing May’s success in England.

Four graphics that explain how a far-right party won third place in Germany
–– Fit together to form swastika.

Keeping up national anthem controversy, Trump touts NASCAR's patriotism
–– Which is mighty white of them.

Trump touts 'Big Luther's' loyalty, electability at Alabama rally
–– America’s biggest Luther.

Is cheese healthy?
–– Check its pulse.

Ex-NFL coach who backed Trump: 'I'm pissed'
–– ‘Gotta drink when listening to that shithead.’

Charles Bradley, soul singer who found fame late in life, dies at 68
–– With this headline.

Earthquake in North Korea sparks fears over new nuclear test
–– First time limp Kim felt earth shake in years.

British actor Colin Firth granted Italian citizenship after Brexit vote
–– Not the Firth time.

Donald Trump withdraws NBA All-Star Stephen Curry's White House invitation
–– Won't Curry favor.


KNEE JERK REACTION
Week of 09/22/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump delivers unhinged rant on NFL, calls Colin Kaepernick a ‘son of a bitch’
–– Called for roughing passer.

Uber Loses Its License to Operate in London
–– Hacked off.

The reason 'Frida,' the trapped little girl, gripped our imagination
–– Rent Ace in the Hole.

Marilyn Manson: Columbine massacre 'destroyed' my career
–– Oh, then it was tragedy.

Trump administration to replace travel ban with country-specific restrictions
–– Eeny, meany, minus Muslim.

Jessica Simpson owns her apparent drunkenness — as only she can
–– Ten year lease with option to buy.

Starbucks robber to SUE Good Samaritan customer for 'excessive force'
–– Takes whole latte nerve.

Mel Gibson and director sue to STOP the release of his comeback film 'The Professor and the Madman' co-starring Sean Penn and Natalie Dormer
–– Still hoping for outside shot at Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award.

Trump touts being 'most tweeted about world leader' at UN General Assembly
–– Disasters trend.

Suge Knight Thinks Tupac Shakur May Be Alive
–– And living in walls of his cell.

Monster Foxes Caught on Camera at Fur Farms
–– These supernatural creatures are smokin’!

Paul Manafort reportedly offered 'private briefings' to a Putin ally about the Trump campaign
–– With ‘happy endings.’

Mugabe at UN stands up to 'Giant Gold Goliath' Trump
–– Jolly Green Giant demands equal time.

Peter Thiel is being considered to chair Trump's intelligence advisory board
–– Name gets permanent parens around "Intelligence."

Phallic Image Hidden in Children's Cartoon on Netflix Leads to Outrage and Jokes
–– Carlos Danger animator credit was tip-off.

Melania Trump's $2,950 hot pink dress distracts from her anti-bullying speech
–– Pushed around eyeballs.

Jerry Lewis Left All Six Children from His First Marriage Out of His Will
–– Surviving five sons starring in The Patsy remake.

Curt Schilling again rips ESPN for having 'some of the most racist people in sports'
–– ‘Even after they canned me.’

Kim’s Rejoinder to Trump’s Rocket Man: ‘Mentally Deranged U.S. Dotard’
–– Kim can only afford 1950s used insults.

North Korea's Kim Jong Un Ripped Teen Sex Slaves From Schools and Forced Citizens to Watch Executions, Defector Says
–– Trump: 'Maybe I was too harsh on him.'

Trump Says Nothing While North Korea Gets Fuel From Russian Companies
–– Too busy pumping Putin.

Why Trump’s Softening on Immigration Is Unlikely to Splinter His Base
–– Because base is solid, dumb as rock.

Abe Says Kim Jong Un Is Worse Than Any Dictator Since Cold War
–– Saddam, Qaddafi not around to argue.

Hillary Clinton opens up about Vladimir Putin and his apparent habit of ‘manspreading’
–– ‘My Lil Vlad boy’s’ gotta breath.'

Philippines’ Rodrigo Duterte says son will be killed if involved in drugs
–– Just say 'no mercy.'

Why Woman Who Had Affair With Serial Killer Todd Kohlhepp Fears She Could Have Been Next
–– You'll never guess.

TRUMP: I assumed when I won, I would 'sit down at my desk and there would be a healthcare bill'
–– 'And a Diet Coke machine, endless shrimp and topless dancers.'

Melania Trump's Anti-Bullying Speech Did Not Go Down Well
–– And going down well is on her resume.

Almost 2,000 Harvard University Alumni Don’t Want Sean Spicer And Corey Lewandowski to Receive Fellowships
–– Fellowship of the Rank.

North Korea Is Threatening War With The U.S., And It Won't Pay Its NYC Parking Tickets
–– NYC Parking Authority threatens to go ballistic.

Fox News' Tucker Carlson, White Man, Says He Gets Racism, Oppression Because He's American
–– Contracted in childhood, never cured.

Jimmy Kimmel Shreds Fox News Host Brian Kilmeade: 'Phony Little Creep'
–– Wait a sec –– he’s totally ‘genuine’ little creep!

Florida Nursing Home Listed Dead Resident as ‘Resting in Bed,’ State Says
–– In lame homage to Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch.

Manafort Working on Kurdish Referendum Opposed by U.S.
–– His stock in traitor.

Spokeswoman Cites ‘Demanding Schedule’ for Health Secretary’s Use of Private Jets
–– And fear of ‘cooties’ on commercial fights.

Puerto Rico: 11 years in recession and now no electricity
–– Real PR disaster.

Trump praises health care of Nambia, a nonexistent African country
–– Oh, Nambia-Pambia, you Trump haters!

How Will Another 'Terminator' Reboot Attempt to Address the Plot?
–– Travel back to past, terminate it.

NBC Touts Megyn Kelly’s Softer Side in Bid to Launch New Morning Show
–– Her brain.

Parliament Square in London Is Closer to Having First Female Statue
–– Which they’ll have to tear down in 50 years when it becomes Gilead.

Trump speaks with Mexican president after deadly earthquake
–– 'Must be lots of Mexican jumping beins' down there.'

Russia Attacks Hollywood’s Morgan Freeman and Other Celebrities Declaring U.S. at ‘War’ With Putin
–– Vlad's doesn't fear wrath of God.

Longtime Trump aide Keith Schiller leaves White House gig
–– President must now scratch own nuts.

Donald Trump Jr. and Kellyanne Conway Lose Secret Service Protection
–– Given tees with targets printed on back.

Trump To African Leaders: My Friends Go To Your Countries To Get Rich
–– 'And for the hookers with big tits.'

Ivanka Trump reveals her struggles with postpartum depression: 'It was a very challenging, emotional time for me'
–– Like our post-election depression?

Charlottesville: Alt-Right Chief Boasts of Secret White House Links in Undercover Sting
–– He, Stephen Miller share briefs, boxers.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders says not to read into the photos of John Kelly looking distraught during Trump's UN speech
–– Take portrait of despair at face value.

Tucker Carlson Had A Witch On His Show. It Did Not Go As Planned
–– What did Kellyanne do this time!

Jake Lamotta Dead, Real-Life 'Raging Bull' Boxer 'Fought Til the End'
–– Punched Death below belt before KO.

Governor compares 'Trump-ites' to cave dwellers
–– Cro-Magnon Defense League cries slander.

Trump blames Clintons for North Korea nuke crisis
–– And invention of hydrogen bomb.

Kevin Durant: Comments on Billy Donovan, Thunder Were 'Childish' and 'Idiotic'
–– Which are new Twitter standards.

Jimmy Kimmel takes on new health care bill, says Sen. Cassidy lied 'right to my face'
–– Plan doesn't covered strained credulity.

Flushed! Why did two women deposit €100,000 in Geneva toilets?
–– Wanted to piss away fortune?

Chipotle’s recovery hopes melt with 'gritty' queso
–– Discovered in taco diarrhea.

Trump calls Kim Jong Un 'Rocket Man' in front of the entire United Nations
–– Because there was still a venerable institution to debase.

John Bolton declares Trump's U.N. debut his 'best' speech ever
–– Clearing bar so low worm couldn’t limbo under it.

Netflix Issues Cease-and-Desist Order on Unauthorized ‘Stranger Things’-Themed Bar
–– Served Upside Down cake.

Maria Sharapova: Serena Williams 'owns me'
–– We assumed she was a rental.

Trump calls for whistleblower protections as part of UN reforms
–– And dixiewhistlers.

Here’s Why Steve Bannon Wears So Many Shirts
–– Hide werewolf fur.

Young Women Across the World Have Been Exposed to Toxic Levels of Mercury, Study Finds
–– Partial explanation for insanity.

The PowerPuff Girls Introduces a New, Fourth Sister, Will Retain the Same Number of Mojo Jojos
–– Created with brown sugar, spice, everything nice.

Jerhonda Pace Describes Being ‘Trained’ to Sexually Please R. Kelly When She Was a Minor
–– Put through Paces.

Paramount Responds to Mother! Backlash: ‘Everyone Celebrates Netflix When They Tell a Story No One Wants to Tell’
–– ‘And we elected a President everyone hates.’

Jackie Hoffman Screams ‘Damn It’ After Losing to Laura Dern, Goes on Emmy-Worthy Twitter Tirade
–– Dust-up Hoffman.

California woman fakes a seizure while being mugged in move she learned from Law and Order
–– Mugger gave her two thumbs down.

Sean Spicer helps Colbert mock Trump at the Emmys: Ex-press secretary betrays his old boss with shock cameo as host ridicules the 'morally corrupt' President and kicks off a celebrity hate-fest
–– An Emmy of the people.

The Shameful Embrace of Sean Spicer at the Emmys
–– Should've been above belt.

Trump Tweets He Was ‘Saddened’ by ‘Bad’ Emmy Ratings
–– Auditioning for best actor in extremely limited series.

Lady Gaga postpones tour due to 'severe physical pain'
–– In listeners’ ears.

NYT: Cobb overheard talking about colleagues, Russia probe at DC steakhouse
–– And how client will get T-boned.

When U.N. Envoy Nikki Haley Talks, Does President Trump Listen?
–– She is a woman.

Alexander Skarsgard Used More Than $710 Worth of Skincare for Emmys
–– To guard scars.

Colin Kaepernick Says He Wants to Play Football, Is 'Ready Right Now'
–– Just keep practicing that kneel, big guy.

Breitbart: Trump voters burning MAGA hats
–– With heads in them.

Rex Tillerson: US considering closing Havana embassy
–– Why? Havana clue.

As UN meets, some ask, 'Where's Rex?'
–– In doghouse?

Pro-Trump rally that sought to bring one million supporters to Washington musters little over a thousand
–– Which equals one mil in millitrumps.

Bossert out front as Trump's detail man on homeland threats
–– That's a guy who travels light.

Octlantis is a just-discovered underwater city engineered by octopuses
–– Every door has four knobs.

Conway: Trump to promote sovereignty at United Nations
–– Will insist on being referred to as King.

‘Mother!’ Dies With ‘F’ CinemaScore And $7.5M Start As ‘It’ Becomes Biggest-Ever September Release With $218M+ Cume
–– New definition of MILF.

Jennifer Lawrence says motherhood is getting “less and less” appealing the older she gets
–– Just like ‘Mother!’.

Bernie Sanders Slams Trump: 'Let Me Tell You What A Curse On The American People Is'
–– ‘Vox pox.’

’Game Of Thrones’: This Is the One Thing the Night King Wants
–– King-sized bed.

Duterte to Human Rights Chief: 'Are You a Pedophile?'
–– Seeking common ground.

Man turns himself in for fatal shooting — from 1962
–– On Throwback Thursday.

Trump Organization Suggests Shrimp Fra Diavolo to Cope With Post-Irma 'Stress
–– Intestinal distress can make you forget everything.

Fox News' Jesse Watters Says Hurting Trump is a Job Requirement at CNN After Anthony Bourdain's Joke
–– More like a perk.

The Powerful Reason Why This Artist Has Been Saving His Urine For The Last 200 Days
–– Real Peecasso.

Locations Manager For ‘Narcos’ Killed In Mexico; Netflix Offers Condolences
–– And thanks for publicity.

Trump Tweets Gif of Himself Hitting Hillary Clinton With Golf Ball and Mocks Kim Jong Un
–– Can take rest of week off.

Tom Brady's restrictive diet includes avocado ice cream and bone broth
–– In latest slang for ejaculate.

Kevin Hart Apologizes to His Pregnant Wife, Kids for 'Bad Error and Judgement': 'I Got to Do Better'
–– Spelling, too.

Nikki Haley: Trump's fire and fury comment 'not an empty threat'
–– ‘Vacant, maybe. Uninhabited, perhaps.’

Trump vs. Bannon in Alabama Senate slugfest
–– Each support opposing mollusks.

Pence Up to His Neck in Trump Russia Scandal
–– Like potato bobbing in vat of borscht.

Donald Trump Calls Paul Ryan a 'Boy Scout' and Can't Make Small Talk With Mitch McConnell
–– 'They make Pence seem like Dennis Rodman.'

President Trump Tweets Internet Must Be 'Cut Off' To Stop Terror Attacks In Response To London Bombing
–– How about just Twitter?

Hurricane Irma: Outrage after amateur sign language interpreter warned of ‘bears and monsters’ in storm update
–– Inexperienced, but maybe not wrong.

An investor said this CEO was too overweight to sell cosmetics. Now she runs a billion-dollar company.
–– Really heavy eyeliner.

’He cut your heart out': Trump's anger proves memorable
–– Because he hasn’t his own.

Cake Is His ‘Art.’ So Can He Deny One to a Gay Couple?
–– Rejects 'fruitcakes.'

Equifax Breach: Two Executives Step Down as Investigation Continues
–– Discredited.

Trump Declines to Release List of His Visitors at Mar-a-Lago
–– Can't find Cyrillic translator.

Video shows naked woman in sweltering nursing home where 8 died
–– Fappening jumps shark.

Bewildered by That Rarest of Sightings in Washington: Bipartisanship
–– More uncommon than Trump apology?


DESE DEMS DOPES
Week of 09/15/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.


Trump's debt ceiling deal with Schumer, Pelosi stunned White House budget director
–– But he was already dazed.

OJ growers are devastated by Irma
–– Orange is the new blecch.

Left warns Pelosi, Schumer: Don’t get too close to Trump
Especially you, Nancy.

Hollywood Mourns Death of ‘Legendary’ Harry Dean Stanton: ‘The Definition of Cool’
–– Now cold.

Black man poses as white supremacist
–– At American Foundation for the Blind’s Klan chapter meeting.

Florida Keys residents trickle back to warning of new crisis
–– Trickle when they see shape of homes.

Mike Pence's press secretary is leaving the White House
–– No one ever asked question.

Billy Joe Saunders' Son Punches Dad's Opponent in the Groin at Weigh-In
–– Getting in some heavy bag work.

‘Where can I go to meet 30-something single women?': Journalist Katy Tur describes interactions with married senior Trump campaign staffer
–– ‘I need to get our ‘pole’ numbers up.’

Smuggled North Korea Clams Show China's Struggle to Stop Kim
–– Though they refuse to talk.

Trump White House’s Latest Strategy to Deal With Leaks… Has Been Leaked
–– Drip drips drip.

Girl sexting Anthony Weiner 'was trying to influence US presidential election', lawyers claim
–– Thought she could sway dick pick.

Candice Bergen Describes Her Very Color-Coordinated Date With Donald Trump
–– All-white.

Trump Blames Bad Cell Service for Failure to Call Mexico After Earthquake
–– Insists Mexico will pay for the call.

Hillary Clinton: 'Nobody Said A Word' When It Was My Fake Severed Head
–– C’mon, Trump said ‘lock it up.’

Ivanka Trump Is a Failure at the White House, and Now Democrats Are Stepping in to Save Her Child Care Plan
–– Appoint Jared full-time nanny to their kids.

Alice Waters’s Grilled Cheese Is Not Like Yours and Mine
–– No Cheez Whiz?

The Playlist: Björk Rediscovers Love and 10 More New Songs
–– Still searching for key.

SoFi Board Says C.E.O. Is Out Immediately Amid Sexual Harassment Scandal
–– So Fired.

Report: At WH dinner, Pelosi asked, 'Do the women get to talk around here?'
–– Trump: ‘If you call me Daddy.’

Steve Bannon Is Reportedly Trying to Make Movies Again
–– Sequels to Birth of a Nation, The Great White Hope.

George Clooney Slams 'Failed F---ing Screenwriter' Steve Bannon
––‘American chaos’ line was heard on most screens in history!

Floyd Mayweather: Donald Trump Is a 'Real Man' for P---y Grabbing Comments
–– Comments apparently grabbed this pussy.

Motel 6 says it will stop sharing guest lists with ICE
–– No more ‘We’ll leave the spotlight on for you.’

What the Latest Crackdown in Cambodia Means
–– Government really hates Angelina Jolie’s new movie.

China wants to ban gas and diesel cars
–– Bring back rickshaws drawn by North Korean immigrants.

Alabama senate candidate repeatedly appeared on radio with pastor who preaches penalty for homosexuality is death
–– Which makes him too Liberal for Alabama senate.

Surveillance video 'shows disoriented 19-year-old walking into hotel freezer alone and the door shutting behind her' hours before she was found dead after wild party
–– Did pause to see if door said Ladies.

Trump Called Sessions an 'Idiot' Before Demanding His Resignation in May, Report Says
–– For those who say he can’t do anything right.

Hot mic catches Schumer talking Trump: 'He likes us'
–– We know he loves junk feud.

Hannity to all-white panel: ‘We are not racist’
–– ‘Oh, and we’re not dumb blondes. I’m salt-and-pepper!’

Game of Thrones to Reportedly Shoot Multiple Endings So You’re Not Sure Who Dies
–– But how will they make you care who does?

Anthony Scaramucci Reportedly Wants a Paternity Test for Newborn Son
–– Hasn’t been able to get it up in years, except for Trump.

Harrison Ford breaks silence on Carrie Fisher
–– With what sounds like belch.

Congress pushes Trump to condemn white supremacists
–– Like asking him to give up taco bowls.

Trump on DACA recipients: Does anyone really want to 'throw out' good, educated young people?
–– Yeah, you.

Has President Trump passed enough tests as yet?
–– Are rabies results in?

Why Hillary Clinton Is Into 'Alternate Nostril Breathing'
–– Began when Trump was upwind from her at debates.

Hillary Clinton Suggests That Women Didn’t Vote for Her Because of the Men in Their Lives
–– Pollsters didn't bet on point manspread.

Bride and Her Bridesmaids Walk Down the Aisle With Doughnut Bouquets: “Can We Eat Them?”
–– Will throw bride's to crowd of unmarried fatties after ceremony.

‘Marvel’s Inhumans’ Rockets Up to a 7 Score on Rotten Tomatoes — Goodbye, Goose Egg
–– Goose Egg lamest supervillain.

Trump White House Accused of Smear Campaign Against James Comey
–– Claim to have compromising photos with Bigfoot.

Russia Wants Trump to Think of These Ordinary North Koreans Before Starting a Nuclear War
–– Starving ones for whom incineration would be blessing.

White House Wants ESPN Anchor to Be Fired for Calling Trump a Bigot
–– In color analysis.

Fenway Park Security Confiscate 'Racism Is as American as Baseball' Fan Banner
–– So it can proudly be strung up in Southie.

Sean Spicer Stands by Trump, Defends "Alternative Facts" on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live!'
–– Still exhibiting Schlockhome Syndrome.

Selena Gomez's best friend gave her a kidney this summer
–– Always was a pisser.

Mnuchin asked to use a government jet for his honeymoon
–– Requested Ivanka serve, join newlyweds in mile high club.

Democrats Say Trump Agreed to Make Deal on ‘Dreamers’
–– While asleep at wheel.

Top Dems Say Trump 'Agrees' To Law Protecting Dreamers; White House Denies
–– Whoa, Trump’s inconsistent? No way, dude.

Amber Tamblyn Pens Open Letter to James Woods After He Called Her a Liar: "I Call You a Silencer"
–– Wish that small bore had silencer.

There’s an interesting reason South Korea is publicly talking about a 'decapitation unit' for Kim Jong Un
–– A heady move.

Stevie Wonder: Climate Change Deniers ‘Must Be Blind’
–– Look it up.

How Omarosa Became the Most ‘Despised’ Person in the Trump White House
–– By just being herself.

Democrats investigating whether Flynn promoted reactor project as Trump aide
–– In latest Flynn Flam.

Richard Branson: Devastated Caribbean islands need a ‘Marshall Plan’ after Irma
–– Or a Margaritaville Mandate.

Meet Hope Hicks: Donald Trump's 28-year-old new White House communications director
–– Stix nix Hicks pix.

Black Lives Matter targets Jefferson monument in Charlottesville
–– Trump just grins.

Ahem, Alex Jones Now Says Donald Trump Is Being Covertly Drugged
–– Finally, one of his conspiracy theories that makes sense.

'My body freezes — my heart stops': Journalist Katy Tur describes receiving an unwelcome kiss from Trump while covering 2016 campaign
–– ‘Now I understand that look on Melania’s face.’

St. John Mom Who Survived Irma Under Mattress Speaks Out: ‘The Smell of Death Is Overwhelming’
–– ‘I really need a new mattress.’

Bossert says the link between climate change and recent hurricanes to be analyzed 'at a later date'
–– ‘Like a hundred years when we’re all living on rafts.’

New Miss America Says U.S. Needs Seat at Paris Climate Table
–– Yes, even beauty contestants smarter than president.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: “Sad” That Last Chapter Of Hillary Clinton’s Political Life Is Propping Up Book Sales With “False Attacks”
–– Twat happened.

Clinton blasts Don Jr.'s 'absurd lie' about Russian lawyer meeting
–– Jr.: ‘Hey, that lie was genius!’

Hillary Clinton Blames Loss on Not Sharing White Anger, but Still Hates 'Creep' Trump
–– Needed to share man anger.

Inside an all-clown screening of 'It'
–– Audience far more terrifying than film.

Top White House Official to Discuss Climate Change at U.N.
–– In dead Prussian dialect.

Eric Luke Trump, the President’s Newest Grandchild, Is Born to Lara and Eric Trump
–– Father’s middle name’s Lunk.

Seattle Mayor Ed Murray Resigns After Another Abuse Accusation
–– Seattle slew.

Jamie Dimon calls bitcoin a 'fraud'
–– Dimon in the rough.

Myanmar’s Suu Kyi skips UN assembly amid criticism over Rohingya crisis
–– Suu Kyi self.

Report: Russia proposed full normalization with US under Trump
–– America, U.S. despise each other again: mission accomplished

Selena Gomez Recalls Feeling ''Really Violated'' Throughout Her Disney Days
–– Mickey being questioned by authorities.

Gwyneth Paltrow Creeps Up On James Corden While He’s Mocking Goop
–– More like oozes.

Fox host compares 9/11 memorial to Confederate monuments
–– From when Grant flew balloon into Tara.

Ex-UFC Fighter Diego Brandao Leaves Cage Mid-Fight
–– Cage-free chicken.

Why airplane cabins now smell different
–– Tacos!

Viral gospel singers perform on 'Tonight Show'
–– Spirit ‘infectious’.

Rare 'barn find' Ferrari sells for $2M
–– Chickenfeed.

Pope Francis slams climate change deniers
–– Building ark in St. Peter's Square.

Irma destroyed about 25% of houses in Florida Keys, FEMA says
–– Cay pasa?

Irma: Florida residents call on Trump to open Mar-a-Lago as a shelter for hurricane victims
–– Mar-a-Water-Logo.

Donald Trump Jr. hits Michael Moore for suggesting Mar-a-Lago open as shelter: ‘Narrative!’
–– Moore: 'Documentary!'

Jennifer Lawrence told boyfriend he had 'psychological problems' after reading his 'Mother!' script
–– ‘Not to mention dramaturgical ones.’

Michelin-Starred Chef Reveals A Surprising Secret To His Scrambled Eggs
–– He gets oeuf on them.

Trump refuses ‘to make eye contact’ with his top economic adviser
–– Don’t see eye-to-eye.

Nordstrom Is Opening Concept Store That Has No Inventory
–– What a concept!

Kristen Bell Sings 'Frozen' Songs for Floridians at Hurricane Irma Shelter
–– Haven't they suffered enough?

Bannon: Comey firing was worst mistake in 'modern political history'
–– By worst mistake in modern political history.

Steve Bannon on ‘60 Minutes’: Mainstream Media Trying to ‘Destroy’ Donald Trump
–– Before he does it to self.

Toronto: Darren Aronofsky Should Make a Comedy, Says 'Mother!' Star Jennifer Lawrence
–– Like a sequel/remake My Mother the Car!

It’s finally dawned on Trump how much people 'f---ing hate' him — and he's pivoting to a new strategy
–– Get them to ‘motherf---ing hate' him.

Bill Maher: It's An 'Inconvenient Truth' That Climate Change Deniers' Homes Are In Irma's Path
–– And damp shame.

Trump’s EPA head Scott Pruitt on Irma: Now is not the time to talk about climate change
–– ‘Can’t hear critics anyways–– they’re underwater.’

Hillary Clinton Says Political Career Is Over; Calls Trump Inaugural Speech “Cry From White Nationalist Gut”
–– We know where that hot air escapes from.

Trump’s Bid to End Saudi-Qatar Stalemate Ends in Recriminations
–– Winning!

Bound to No Party, Trump Upends 150 Years of Two-Party Rule
–– Establishes Donner Party.

Trump Monitors Hurricane as His Cabinet Descends on Camp David
–– So he can get Fox News in woods?

Newly unearthed ancient tomb with mummies unveiled in Egypt
–– Daddies absent.

Ex-Inmate Takes to Hong Kong’s Airwaves, and Prisoners Tune In
–– All Thugs Considered.


IRMA LA DOUCHE
Week of 09/08/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Hurricane Irma threatens 'to devastate the United States,' FEMA chief says
–– Sorta like Tornado Trump.

Ivanka Trump’s Plea to ‘Daddy’ Makes Twitter Cringe
–– Or cwinge.

FEMA could run out of cash this weekend
–– Couldn't some rich Floridian float them loan?

Rush Limbaugh Says Hurricane Irma Is Conspiracy, Evacuates Anyway
–– Has to change underwear.

Gay people to blame for Hurricane Harvey, says US Pastor
–– Pastors to blame for Hurricane Irma says RuPaul.

New FBI head says he’s not seen ‘any whiff’ of White House interference in the Russia investigation
–– Needs to get nose out of Trump's ass.

'Lips and teeth' no more as China's ties with North Korea fray
–– But still lots of 'tongue'.

Trump, Schumer agree to pursue plan to repeal the debt ceiling
–– Creeping with the enemy.

Donald Trump doesn't realise Ivanka 'isn't that impressive to people', says political analyst
–– Trump: "C'mon, when she walks in all the guys in my Cabinet 'stand at attention'."

Kid Rock: 'F*** any mother****' who disrespects the National Anthem
–– Admits Colin Kaepernick's afro makes him Rock hard.

'I smell a rat here': Lindsey Graham wants James Comey to testify on the Clinton email case again
–– 'Here, in mah dainties.'

Trump admin backs Colorado baker who refused to make cake for same-sex wedding
–– Won't touch those buns.

Eric Bolling out at Fox News after report of lewd text messages
–– Bolling for dullards.

The formerly conjoined McDonald twins' amazing journey home
–– So two heads are better than one?

GOP bristles at Mnuchin’s debt plea: Do it for me
–– ‘Remember the good times we had. Think of all I’ve done for you. Plus my wife wants me to take her shopping…now.’

Trump blasts own party, calls filibuster 'GOP death wish'
–– Nominating him was death wish.

All five living former presidents launch joint Harvey relief effort
–– Unprecedented blast of hot air.

President Trump's $17 Million Caribbean Home Was Just Pummeled By Hurricane Irma
–– Always a silver lining.

High School Students in White Hoods Burned Cross and Waved Confederate Flag
–– At Jefferson Beauregard Sessions Prep.

‘Shiloh’ Star Blake Heron Dies at 35
–– Trying to add 'i' to last name.

Strong Earthquake Hits Off Mexico’s Coast
–– Because there is a God and he’s sick of all the shit.

Giant Equifax data breach: 143 million people could be affected
–– You gotta give 'em credit.

Equifax execs sold stock before hack was disclosed
–– Equifux SEC.

How Do You Get Back on the Field After Losing 98-0? As Quickly as Possible
–– Ask Trump.

Priebus was sure Trump tape ruined campaign
–– No wonder the Mooch whacked 'im.

Steve Bannon: ‘Access Hollywood’ Moment Showed Who Was Loyal to Trump
–– 'I mean if you can't even defend sexual assault…'

Bannon: 'Access Hollywood' tape cost Christie a Cabinet post
–– 'It was his for the groping.'

Bannon: I’m going to be Trump’s ‘wing man’ outside the White House
–– 'As in vulture.'

Bannon on Catholic Church's DACA support: 'They need illegal aliens to fill the churches'
–– 'We need 'em to spook our voters.'

Cardinal Dolan responds to Bannon's 'insulting' remarks
–– 'That's like saying we just need altar boys for those long winter nights.'

Trump Is Disgusted by White Supremacists, Paul Ryan Says, Because 'His Grandchildren Are Jewish'
–– "His adorable 'liddle yids'."

Three 6 Mafia Star Remembers His Oscar-Winning Night: "Like That, Salma Hayek Killed My Hard-On"
–– ‘I was like high, then ecch!

What 'Game of Thrones' Still Needs to Accomplish With 6 Episodes Left
–– Make you forget every Season 7 episode but last.

Graydon Carter to End 25-Year Run as Vanity Fair’s Editor
–– The snark descending.

Who is Jim Bridenstine, the Climate Change Denier Trump Picked to Head NASA?
–– Guy who’d build space wall if we discover illegal aliens.

Squid ink could make your dentist visits much less painful
–– But kiss white teeth goodbye.

‘Boomer and Carton' co-host Craig Carton arrested on charges stemming from fake ticket sales
–– Juiced Carton.

NBC Sports’ Lead Baseball Writer on Craig Carton Arrest: ‘Pardon Me if I Die Laughing’
–– Skunk at a Carton party.

Joe Buck admits to secretly peeing while calling a touchdown on national television
–– Borrowed waterboy.

Jennifer Lawrence wore head-to-toe, see-through fishnet at the London premiere of “mother!”
–– Crotch of the day.

ISIS Supporters Call For Poisoning of Food in Grocery Stores Across U.S. and Europe
–– Shrinking terror org will next suggest short-sheeting infidels.

North Korea Erupts in Mass Celebration of Sixth and Most Powerful Nuclear Test to Date
–– Government offers hungry citizens slices of mushroom cloud.

Martin Shkreli offers $5K reward for sample of Clinton's hair
–– $50K if from ‘carpet’.

Kentucky Could Become The Only State Without A Clinic That Performs Abortions
–– And one that needs them the most.

Jeff Sessions Always Wanted to Deport Undocumented Immigrant Youth. Now He Can
–– As a child painted tin soldiers brown, sent them back to Toyland.

BIAS ALERT: Conservative publisher Regnery cuts ties with the New York Times over best-seller lists
–– When they won't count illiterates who buy their books.

Washington National Cathedral to remove stained glass windows honoring Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson
–– Peggy Lee stricken from American Songbook, Jackson Pollocks removed from MOMA.

Trump gets millions from golf members. CEOs and lobbyists get access to president
–– Caddy slack.

Navy Ships Suffered From Shoddy Maintenance, Overworked Sailors
–– Admiral issues stern warning.

Trump bucks GOP leadership, backs Democratic deal on debt ceiling, funding government
–– The arggh of the deal.

Facebook says it sold ads to Russian 'troll farm' during 2016 campaign
–– Produced 'bump her' crop.

Jimmy Fallon Reveals He Had Another, "Hopefully Last" Surgery on Finger
–– Digit redo.

Washington Nationals Star Bryce Harper Rocks Cornrows in New Look
–– National disgrace.

Tiger on the loose near Atlanta killed by police
–– Didn’t know Detroit was in town.

Boy whose heart stopped after bite of hot dog found to have rare condition
–– Mustard gas.

Madonna is happy she moved
–– And America’s not exactly complaining.

Man Tied to Cinder Block and Dumped in Water Was Son of Mob Associate
–– Sinks in.

White House Says President Trump 'Wrestled' With Decision to End DACA
–– That's why his head locked.

Trump’s EPA Can Now Veto Science Grants if They Mention Climate Change
–– According to CC rider.

Kenyan shares drop 2 pct on election ruling, shilling stable
–– Actually shilling at all time high.

Israel: Netanyahu's Wife To be Charged With Fraud Over Lavish Dinner Parties and Private Chefs
–– Bibi ate.

Venezuelan President Maduro to address U.N. Human Rights Council
–– Like him giving keynote at Mental Health Day.

White House: It's Congress' job to legislate
–– Just handed Constitution.

North Korea’s ‘pink lady’ serves up earth shaking news from a reclusive regime
–– Cocktail shaker.

John Kelly is running a tight ship
–– With loose pirate captain.

Donald Trump 'lashed out' at new chief of staff John Kelly amid rising tension in White House
–– 'Aye, thirty lashes with me cat o'nine tails, matey!'

John Kelly Doesn’t Like Donald Trump, According to Closest Ally Keith Schiller: Report
–– Who's been schilling for him for long time.

Trump's departing security chief, Keith Schiller, is apparently also his 'emotional binky'
–– Thought he was like Bannon and sucked own.

North Korea warns Trump of "gift packages" heading towards the U.S.
–– Evil genius quips still in early stages of development

Putin says the country that perfects AI will be 'ruler of the world'
–– Kim needs to study real supervilllain.

The EPA’s bizarre response to report on Houston contaminants
–– 'Yummy!'

Report: Red Sox stole signs with Apple Watch
–– Use finally discovered for device.

Why J.J. Watt's turning down movie roles and ads
–– Can’t act, looks like Leatherface’s illegitimate son.

Lego to cut 1,400 jobs citing declining revenue in U.S., Europe
–– Management filled with blockheads.

Democrats, Republicans slam Trump's DACA decision as 'heartless'
–– Equally brainless.

Spicer’s 'candor' helps him land speaking job: report
–– As press secretary to El Chapo.

Ingraham to Trump: Remember how you won the presidency
–– ‘Co-dependant women like me voted for you.’

Putin Says Trump’s ‘Not My Bride,’ But Still Hopes for Detente
–– ‘And I can still fuck him when I like.’

North Koreans Will ‘Eat Grass’ So Kim Jong Un Can Buy War Weapons, Putin Says
–– ‘At least we turn into vodka first.’

Descendent of Robert E. Lee Has Stepped Down From His Church Following VMAs Backlash
–– Career goes South.

‘Too Big to Fail’ Label May Shrink for Some Firms Under Trump
–– Because ‘to fail’ his signature business strategy.

Louise Linton: 'I see the irony of making an apology in a ball gown'
–– ‘But irony is for losers, bitches!’

Duchess of Cambridge topless photos were invasion of privacy
–– And criminally not hot.

A robotic crib rocked my baby to sleep for months
–– After nursing on teflon teat.

Walter Becker, Steely Dan Guitarist, Dies at 67
–– Reelin' in the biers.

North Korea Says It Has Tested Hydrogen Bomb That Can Fit on ICBM
–– Or in Kim’s shorts.

What’s left to sanction in North Korea after its big nuclear test?
–– Ban export of Kim’s hair gel.

How the world reacted to William and Kate's exciting royal baby news
–– Gave one-and-a-half shits.

Germaine Greer blasts Princess Diana: 'Worst f*ck in the country'
–– Thought that was Nigel Farage.

Janis Joplin's Drug-Related Death Isn't as Cut-and-Dry as You Think
–– Cut-and-Dry-and-Hydrate-and-Inject.

Trump Downsizes Black College Conference, Because At This Point What Does He Have to Lose?
–– Dennis Rodman's support?

Trump threatens to cut off trade with China if it does not stop trade with North Korea
–– File under Empty Threats, right after 'Fire and Fury'.

Trump told Hurricane Harvey survivors to ‘have a good time’ while visiting shelter
–– Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Idaho Police Department Thanks 'Heroic' Nurse For Standing Up To Utah Cop
–– ‘That took some pretty big potatoes.’

GOP Lawmaker Mocks Trump’s ‘Great Heart’ In Blistering Response To DACA Threat
–– 'Why, aorta…'

‘My Hands Are Too Big,' Says President With Smaller-Than-Average Hands
–– Trying to pull on child's mittens.

Nikki Haley Says Kim Jong Un Is 'Begging For War' With 'Abusive Use Of Missiles'
–– ‘You see the brutal way he’s flogging them trying to get them off?’

‘Twin Peaks': 18 Burning Questions Following the Showtime Finale
–– 3. Should we use gasoline?

Burning Man attendee dies after running into flames
–– A bit on the nose.

Domino’s testing self-driving pizza delivery
–– Offers 20 minute delivery guarantee if you’re willing to pay for injured pedestrians.

Startup behind ridiculed $400 juicer shuts down
–– Felt squeeze.

Tom Jones Postpones Fall Concerts to Spring 2018
–– It's not unusual.

Astros provide healthy distraction from Hurricane Harvey
–– Texans love seeing New York asses kicked.

Two NASA astronauts slated to return from space to Houston after devastating floods
–– As aquanauts.

Prince’s sister says purple wasn't his favorite color
–– And beret was ruby not raspberry.

McCain: Trump 'poorly informed,' Congress 'not his subordinates'
–– Master of the obvious.

Justice Department: No evidence Trump Tower was wiretapped
–– But was it 'wiretapped'?

Obama’s 2018 budget requests will make him most expensive ex-president on taxpayer dime — Here’s why
–– Luther, his pricey anger translator, needs to respond to nonsense like this.


APPALL HARVEY
Week of 09/01/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump returns to Texas to see Hurricane Harvey recovery in Houston
–– 'I just can't get enough of pain and suffering!'

Mattis disputes reports of being at odds with Trump
–– Sitting on Defense.

How Merkel Has Neutered the Far Right as Vote Nears
–– And spayed their bitches.

Trump Says Decision on ‘Dreamers’ Program Will Come Soon
–– ‘Of course, I have to sleep on it.’

Energy Department Official Who Called Obama A 'Kenyan Creampuff' Resigns
–– Which are, BTW, delish.

Ahead of Trump's visit, Houston mayor says crisis is urgent: 'We need the resources yesterday'
–– Trump brags ‘we sent them last month.’

Russian official warns of retaliation after US closes consulate with 'solo breakdance moves’
–– 'We do cossack dance and kick ass.'

Seven sentenced after animal rights activists film abuse at chicken farms
–– Mostly for choking chicken.

Second grader reports weeks-long sexual assault on second day of school
–– In very uncomfortable show-and-tell.

Kushner Family Still Struggling With 666 Fifth Avenue
–– Having Devil of a time.

Mysterious Floating Brain-Shaped Creatures Are Washing Up In A Canadian Lagoon
–– In lamest rerun of The Outer Limits.

Paul Ryan Calls Alternative Health-Care Proposal ‘Intriguing’
–– In latest slang for ‘DOA’.

Harvey is a 1,000-year flood event unprecedented in scale
–– According to Woodland tribesmen cave paintings.

Displaced undocumented immigrants won't face screenings
–– Although ICE deployed frogmen to Houston.

Donald Trump Jr. Will Get Six Figures for 30-Minute Talk at North Texas University Event
–– Each one $20.

U.S. Gives Russians More Eviction Notices As Diplomatic Row Escalates
–– Row of embassies levitates?

Hungry North Korean soldiers 'ordered to steal corn because war is imminent'
–– From other soldiers’ feet.

Trump reportedly calls Steve Bannon on his personal phone when John Kelly isn't around
–– Asks him to talk dirty.

Donald Trump Spelled 'Heal' Wrong Again in a Tweet
–– Time wounds all heals.

A third of Bangladesh under water as flood devastation widens
–– Is that anywhere near Houston?

Geraldo: Ending DACA will permanently tarnish Trump's legacy
–– Can shit tarnish?

‘Marvel’s Inhumans’ Premieres to Harsh Reactions: ‘Thor But S–ty’
–– Oh, the Inhumanity!

Trump: First Lady "Affected" by Harvey
–– Latest excuse to not sleep with him.

Trump loyalists have reportedly nicknamed John Kelly 'the church lady'
–– Because their entire frame of reference is 80s TV.

‘Hannity’ Sub On Heather Heyer: 'She Was Still Marching With Antifa'
–– Subhuman?

Charlie Hebdo's Harvey Cover Praises Drowning Of 'Neo-Nazis Of Texas'
–– Sadly, fake news.

Sean Spicer's Last Words To Staff: 'Honor of a Lifetime' to Serve Trump
–– Summing up pitiful existence.

Of Course Sean Spicer's Goodbye Email Contained A Typo
–– Proofed by Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Utah nurse arrested for refusing to draw blood from unconscious patient
–– Didn't have red marker.

Trump says he 'could not be happier' with chief of staff Kelly
–– Kelley hears, registers at monster.com.

John Kelly Pushing Out Omarosa for ‘Triggering’ Trump
–– Which sounds dirty until you picture either of them.

Glenn Beck's TheBlaze Lays Off Dozens of Staffers
–– Goes out in TheBlaze of glory.

Pence says Trump will make DACA decision with 'big heart'
–– Has all the cholesterol and rage enlarged his ticker?

‘False and wholly unsubstantiated': Trump's lawyer pushes back on Steele dossier allegations amid Russia firestorm
–– ‘All wet.’

Even Fox News Isn't Taking Kellyanne Conway's Sh*t Anymore
–– After she's been playing with it.

Kate Hudson revealed the “worst thing a party guest could do”
–– “Over there floating in the punchbowl.”

Georgia Mom Says Husband Left Her After She Was Severely Burned in Fire He Accidentally Started: 'I Was Devastated'
–– Lost face.

Houston offers a grim vision of Los Angeles after catastrophic earthquake
–– Yes, LA, it's all about you.

Eric Trump says his father 'tunes out' criticism so he doesn't kill himself
–– Crank it up, Mr. President!.

GOP Rep Tells Black Attorney She May 'Go Missing' For Protesting Confederate Statues
–– Like his mind.

House GOP eyeing $1B disaster funds cut to finance wall
–– Why not just use Harvey debris as base?

White House Quietly Removes Sexual Assault Report From Website
–– Replaces with Bill Cosby Spanish Fly recipe.

Trump Ramps Up Obamacare Sabotage With Huge Cuts To Enrollment Programs
–– Thank God there are no ramifications for patients.

Firefighter who heard Princess Diana’s final words tells how he thought he’d saved her life after giving her CPR
–– Said: 'You're standing on my…urk.'

Trump called him "my African American." But he condemns the president's treatment of black America
–– After being sold.

Trump: 'All I want to do is MAGA'
–– New Afro-Caribbean dance sensation.

No joke: Robbers walk into a bar full of off-duty cops
–– Shots on the house.

‘We Only Shoot Black People’: Georgia Police Lieutenant Under Investigation After Comment During DUI Stop
–– No points for honesty?

Pete Rose out at Fox Sports in aftermath of underage sex allegations
–– Network already owns pedophile demo.

What North Korea’s Missile Tests Look Like to a South Korean Reporter
–– Too damn close.

Storm’s Impact on Oil Industry Is Felt at Gasoline Pumps
–– And everyone gets soaked.

Libya’s Increased Oil Production Thwarts OPEC’s Reduction Plans
–– Has them over barrel.

Bush’s Press Secretary Criticizes Trump's Harvey Response For Lacking Empathy
–– Just the way cold-blooded reptiles are.

Trump Pledges $1 Million Donation to Harvey’s Victims
–– How rich sociopaths say 'I care.'

White House walks back promise about Trump donating his ‘personal money’ to Harvey victims
–– 'Discount vouchers for online MAGA merch as good as cash.'

‘The Six Million Dollar Man' actor Richard Anderson dies at 91
–– Goldman sacked.

David Clarke, Milwaukee County Sheriff and Trump Supporter, Resigns
–– Turns in gold star, tinfoil hat.

Sheriff David Clarke expected to join Trump administration: report
–– His level of self-loathing will make it non-minority hire.

‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi' pits BB-8 against its dark side, BB-9E
–– Balls to the wall.

Cohen lawyer rebuts Russia dossier allegations
–– ‘There were no butts involved.’

Trump’s Lawyer Addresses ‘Pee Tape’ Dossier Allegations Against Him in Letter to Congress
–– Said they left him ‘drained.’

Wells Fargo uncovers up to 1.4 million more fake accounts
–– Filled with Monopoly money.

Google Critic Ousted From Think Tank Funded by the Tech Giant
–– Google's explanantion: 'Search me.'

Doctor braves Harvey flooding in canoe to perform teen's surgery
–– Already had paddles for defibrillation.

How social media shamed Houston televangelist Joel Osteen in to opening his dry megachurch to Hurricane Harvey evacuees after he claimed it was inaccessible and flooded
–– Noah count varmint!

Joel Osteen Talks Hurricane Harvey Backlash: 'I Feel at Peace Because We Did the Right Thing'
–– 'The Lord let 'em drown, too.'

Skin suits, 'shrunken heads' and soup bowls made of skulls: The true crimes and grotesque souvenirs of Wisconsin bachelor who inspired film villains from Psycho and The Silence of the Lambs
–– Geinocology.

Larry Sherman, Donald Trump's First Publicist and New York Actor, Dies at 94
–– Sherman tanks.

Flavor Flav Sues Chuck D, Public Enemy Team Over Unpaid Royalties and Releasing Music Without His Consent
–– And not telling him he had giant clock hanging around neck.

Kanye West Faces Insurer's Countersuit Pointing to Drug and Alcohol Policies
–– That should be hard to prove.

Warner Bros. Plans Female-Led 'Lord of the Flies'
–– Won’t need to zip up.

Taylor Swift’s ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ Breaks Multiple Records
–– Makes buyers do same.

Kermit the Frog's new voice debuts on 'Muppet Thought of the Week'
–– Has throat in frog.

ESPN Analyst Ed Cunningham Resigns Due to Concern over Head Injuries in Football
–– And that's just his fans.

Report: Mueller, New York AG to work together on Manafort
–– Schneiderman will hold arms, Mueller has brass knuckles.

AFL-CIO’s Trumka: Some White House aides 'turned out to be racist'
–– ‘Turned out’ in the sense of always were.

Conservative firebrand Tomi Lahren joins Fox News as contributor
–– Commentary just wasn’t dumb enough.

Do It Now!’ U.K. Regulator Turns to Animatronic Arnold Schwarzenegger
–– Indistinguishable from real thing.

Trump pitches tax reform to 'bring back Main Street'
–– After complete teardown, rebuild as over-priced condos.

Trump is about to unveil his tax plan by targeting a 'rigged' economy
–– And making it ‘riggier’.

“What a crowd, what a turnout!” Trump visited Texas and forgot to mention Hurricane Harvey’s victims
–– “There’s a flood of people, all for me! There haven’t been this many folks since the parting of the Red Sea."

Trump Feels 'isolated' Following Chief of Staff John Kelly's White House Moves, Gorka Says
–– Should be quarantined.

KKK Hoods And Urine-Proof Sheets Seen At Trump Tower Gift Shop
–– Sold so well they’re restocking.

‘Only morons pay the estate tax,' says White House's Gary Cohn
–– Is he previewing Trump’s return?

Peskov: Trump lawyer wrote to Kremlin, got no response
–– Glad that’s settled by reliable source.

Trump: 'Talking is not the answer' with North Korea
–– Empty, grandiose threats is?

6,000-year-old wine residue found in Sicilian cave
–– Next to pizza sauce stains.

Trump fumes at staff over Phoenix rally crowd size
–– Whole administration running on fumes.

Royals GM Dayton Moore Suggests Link Between Pornography, Domestic Violence
–– Batty, takes balls.

Anheuser-Busch halts beer production to give water to Harvey victims
–– In extraordinary act of charity … helping victims nice, too.

Bolton says he's no longer allowed to see Trump
–– By marriage counselor.

Melania Trump Arrives in Texas Wearing Sneakers After Facing Heat for Leaving D.C. in Stilettos
–– ‘It is because I heard there might being high water.’

New York Times Beats Sarah Palin Defamation Lawsuit
–– Palin: ‘But I’m still defamous!’

21st Century Fox Pulls U.K. Fox News Feed From Sky
–– First good news since Brexit.

Tim Cook: Apple will invest $1.3 billion in Iowa
–– Could buy entire state for half that.

Trump retweets claim that 'true' source of violence is from anti-fascists and not the right
–– Encourages pro-fascist militias.

Trump to Fully Restore Military Surplus Transfers to Police
–– Citing threat of Antifa insurgents.

Cruz Explains Harvey Aid Request Despite Sandy ‘No’ Vote
–– ‘I’m a venal, hypocritical sack of shit.’

Boomers And Those Living With Dementia Cringe At Description Of Trump As 'Demented'
–– He actually gives ‘demented’ worse name.

Congress Needs to Open a Formal Impeachment Inquiry
–– We don't care if they're wearing T-shirts, cut-offs.

Trump Associate Tried To Broker Moscow Deal So That 'Our Boy Can Become President'
–– ‘Y’know, the one who’s emotionally five years old.’

White House aides 'call Ivanka Trump Princess Royal behind her back'
–– And Jared Prince of Dorkness.

Former Trump adviser says in email that he 'arranged for Ivanka to sit in Putin's private chair' during a trip to Moscow
–– With him, pantless, in it.

Can Trump turn his presidency around?
–– And head it into fire instead of off cliff?

Trump attorney reached out to Kremlin to pursue Moscow Trump Tower project
–– In pussy-grabbing sense.

Trump Says He Pardoned Former Arizona Sheriff During Hurricane Watch for Better Ratings
–– And everyone was already discussing disasters.

North Korea has launched a 'projectile'
–– As they call any discharge from Kim's body.

Trump to aides: 'I want tariffs'
–– 'They're tariffic!'

Judges remain silent as Trump pardons Arpaio
–– Justices deaaf, dumb, blind.

Trump could pay a price if he hands out pardons in the Russia inquiry as he did for Joe Arpaio
–– In rubles.

Sears is closing 28 more Kmart stores
–– K stands for Kaput.

EPA will no longer sponsor the annual climate leadership awards
–– Will instead recognize

Special counsel Mueller is looking into whether Michael Flynn took part in an effort to get Hillary Clinton's emails from Russian hacker
–– Not Mikey!

Sebastian Gorka: Hillary Clinton Allies Are Working From Within White House To Ruin Trump
–– Live in walls, emerge only at night.

Donald Trump 'might refuse to leave the White House when his term ends', expert warns
–– Might take tumorectomy.

Harvey: 'Unprecedented' flooding 'beyond anything experienced' inundates Houston area, kills at least 3
–– Everything bigger in Texas.

‘Texas has never seen an event like' Harvey, FEMA chief says
–– Not even when JR got shot?

Fire destroyed their home during Harvey. But a Virgin Mary statue survived
–– Now they can pray for new one.

Memphis Theater Cancels ‘Gone With the Wind’ Screening
–– Frankly, I don’t give a damn.

Tobe Hooper, Director of ‘The Texas Chain Saw Massacre,’ Dies at 74
–– Tobe or not to be.

Trump Forges Ahead on Costly Nuclear Overhaul
–– Gold-plating warheads top priority.

Floyd Mayweather Beats Conor McGregor by 10th-Round TKO in Megafight
–– May weather shellacking.

Gorka: Bannon, others 'systematically undermined'
–– Underminded.

Paul Ryan 'does not agree' with Arpaio pardon, spokesman says
–– Them’s "not fightin’” words.

Report: Trump asked Sessions to consider dropping Arpaio prosecution
–– Sessions: 'I was contempted.'

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