BUNKER MENTALITY
Week of 01/27/17
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump Orders Suspension of All Refugees, Immigrants From Some Muslim Nations
–– And neon worms crawling around inside own head.
Conway makes dig at 'black-stretch-pants women'
–– From 'white-stretch-truth woman.'
Trump: Telephone call with Mexican president was 'very friendly'
–– 'But what's cabeza de mierda mean.'
Donald Trump and Theresa May: Another 'special relationship'?
–– Less Reagan/Thatcher, more Farook/Malik.
John Hurt, Oscar-Nominated Star of 'The Elephant Man,' Dies at 77
–– Placed in Hurt locker.
Trump opens talk to GOP retreat with brag about his election win
–– Audience chanted back, 'Your hands aren't small, your hands aren't small…!'
Trump to Sign Executive Order Related to Voter Fraud, White House Says
–– Will they investigate brain dead on rolls who voted for him?
Tucker Carlson vs. Ben Smith: BuzzFeed Has A Political Agenda Masquerading As Journalism
–– Carlson has political agenda masquerading as Ted Bundy.
Trump Administration to United Nations: "Don't Have Our Back? We're Taking Names"
–– “Butchering them, but trying to write them down.”
Prosecutors will not pursue Bridgegate charges against New Jersey governor
–– Christie hoping poll numbers will leap to 20%.
Melania Trump on Vanity Fair Mexico cover at an awkward time
–– She's married to human habanero.
Florida’s largest county to comply with Trump's sanctuary crackdown
–– Dade of the dead.
Keystone pipeline: How many jobs it would really create
–– Not counting lawyers, Federal troops, dermatologists, oncologists, morticians?
‘Apocalypse Now’ to be a video game?
–– And presidential administration?
President Trump ‘in Awe’ on First Trip Aboard Air Force One; Arrives in Philadelphia to Raised Middle Fingers
–– 'See, they say I'm Number One. Did I ever tell you I love Number One?'
Trump Acts To Sabotage Obamacare Enrollment, Days Before Deadline
–– Sick fuck.
Republicans Now Marching With Trump on Ideas They Had Opposed
–– As lemmings will.
Trump Strategist Steve Bannon Says Media Should ‘Keep Its Mouth Shut’
–– Around him must also hold nose.
Tennessee yarn shop bans 'vile' Women's March knitters
–– Everyone out of the spool.
Republicans to kill U.S. rules on corruption, environment, labor and guns next week
–– Actually guns first so they can mow down others.
Texas lawmaker who introduced bill criminalizing abortion: Women should be more ‘personally responsible’ for sex
–– Oh, if only his mother had been around to hear advice.
Contractor says Trump refusing to pay for work at DC hotel
–– She insists she fulfilled contract, thoroughly soaked sheets.
American Airlines eliminating in-seat screens on new jets
–– Spaces so tight your screen will be in your seat.
Donald Trump: 'Had we taken the oil, you wouldn't have ISIS'
–– Or international law.
US State department's entire senior management team quits as Secretary Rex Tillerson takes up post
–– To be replaced by three gas station attendants and grease monkey.
Trevor Noah Likes Seeing Kellyanne Conway ‘Taste The Bulls**t In Her Mouth’
–– Her picture replaces Paul Ryan’s in dictionary definition of ‘shit-eating grin.’
‘Doomsday Clock’ Moves 30 Seconds Closer To Midnight
–– Kellyanne Conway: ‘That’s clearly noon on the clock –– it’ still morning in America!’
Mexico’s President Cancels Meeting With Trump Over Wall
–– From now on Mexicans will go under wall.
‘Sanctuary City’ Mayors Vow to Defy Trump’s Immigration Order
–– Lacks deport authority.
Pope forces conservative out in condom battle
–– Where rubber meets road.
Marvel Chairman Ike Perlmutter Allowed to Pursue Legal Claims Over Theft of His DNA
–– Victory for Incredible Schmuck.
Instagram model who 'made sex tape with Broncos star Von Miller' claims Washington's DeSean Jackson is 'built like an Asian'
–– Even has Takata airbags.
This is bull***t!': Republican blasts Schumer on Senate floor over cabinet delay tactics and says he was 'getting my a** shot at in Afghanistan' when Obama's picks were quickly confirmed
–– How long before Ukraine Parliament-style fistfights?
Elon Musk is getting serious about digging a tunnel under Los Angeles
–– What an utter bore.
What Does The World Think Of Donald Trump? 'Buffoon,' 'Vulture,' 'Orange Prince Of American Self-Publicity'
–– Yeah, but you know what they say about first impressions.
Trump dogged by insecurity over popular vote, media coverage
–– But not, repeat NOT, his little Apprentice.
Mary Tyler Moore, Who Incarnated the Modern Woman on TV, Dies at 80
–– No Moore.
House science chairman: 'Get your news directly from the president'
–– Make that House science fiction.
Nicholas Hoult Wrote Short Stories, Took Up Yoga to Understand J.D. Salinger for ‘Rebel in the Rye’
–– Shagged fly balls in wheat field, drank whiskey from baseball mitt.
McCain on Trump torture stance: 'The law is the law'
–– You mean there’s way to gag him?
Univision’s Deadspin tells Sen. Ted Cruz to 'eat s---'
–– Cruz; ‘Again?’
Another Twist: James Comey Expected to Stay on as F.B.I. Director
–– Who says Trump doesn’t pay debts?
Putin May Brag About Russian Sex Workers, but He’s Killing Them
–– They can't stop laughing.
Russia to decriminalize some forms of domestic violence
–– Covering Putin’s homeland policy.
Women rush to get IUDs because of Trump
–– In case they run into him alone.
Chicago man sentenced in celebrity photo hacking scandal
–– Creep: ’This can’t be fappening.’
Trump calls for 'major investigation' into voter fraud
–– Will include x-ray of his head, brain scans.
Secret Service looking at agent who suggested she wouldn't defend Trump from bullet
–– Excellent suggestion.
George Orwell's '1984' hits bestseller list again
–– All’s well that’s Orwell.
Trump believes millions voted illegally, WH says -- but provides no proof
–– Going to need to start forging documents if they keep this up.
Hide and seek: Feds find $20 million in a mattress
–– In WH bedroom.
There’s something amiss with this inauguration photo
–– Asshole standing in front.
Oscar Nominations: No Repeat of #OscarsSoWhite
–– But what about #OscarsSoShite?
Ewan McGregor Cancels Appearance on Piers Morgan's U.K. TV Show After Women's March Comments
–– Did Piers review.
White House Shuts Down Phone Comment Line, Tells Callers to Use Non-Existent Facebook Messenger Account Instead
–– Or just toss bottles with notes reading HELP! in ocean.
Trump Repeats Lie About Popular Vote in Meeting With Lawmakers
–– Feared some might still have shred of respect.
Manhattan Jail That Holds El Chapo Is Called Tougher Than Guantánamo Bay
–– With lousier weather.
‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Nick Woos the Women With Shovels Full of Literal S—
–– In honor of new President.
Minnesota governor collapses during state of state address
–– State of exhaustion.
White House site updated to remove Melania Trump QVC reference
–– Escort service still available.
Spicer: Press coverage 'demoralizing'
–– Or ‘perfect reflection of new administration.’
‘Saturday Night Live' Writer Katie Rich Suspended After Controversial Barron Trump Tweet
–– Something to Barron mind.
Trump adviser had five calls with Russian envoy on day of sanctions: sources
–– Had to gargle between each.
Accusations and Harsh Words Mar First Day of Syrian Peace Talks
–– What are two sides so upset about?
Bane Creators on Donald Trump's Inauguration Speech and Why They Voted for Him
–– They prefer DC comics.
Can burnt toast and roasted potatoes cause cancer?
–– Just don't serve your pet lab rat.
Rubio announces support for Trump secretary of state nominee Tillerson
–– Littlest Marco.
‘We won't tell the press what's in that letter': Trump holds up letter Obama left him in the Oval Office
–– ‘But does anyone know what coprophagia means?’
Kellyanne Conway 'Didn't See the Point' to Women's March on Washington
–– ‘Why aren't they at home composing elaborate excuses for their husbands' abhorrent behavior?'
Mexico City Policy: Donald Trump reinstates global abortion funding ban
–– Working towards Sadr City Policy.
Trump withdraws US from Trans-Pacific Partnership deal
–– China sends flowers…cheap ones, but flowers.
Melania Trump returns to New York
–– Escapes DC in back of turnip truck.
Trump’s official White House biography calls him the 'very definition of success,' touts his 'miraculous' victory, trumpets his 'prestigious' hotel addresses and calls him an 'accomplished' author
–– Fails to mention walking on water, healing leper.
Who's closest to President Trump in the new White House?
–– And will he or she need chastity belt?
‘This Is Populism': Tucker, Hume, Wallace & Perino on Trump's Inaugural Address
–– ‘When you hate people.’
Trump’s Inauguration ‘Designated Survivor’ Revealed
–– El Chapo.
Report: Trump's Inaugural Address Written by Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller
–– Speculation because Goebbels is dead.
Trump’s White House Website Takes Down Official Pages on Civil Rights, Climate Change, LGBT Rights
–– Evolution, Gravity, Objective Reality.
Fox News Hires Brexit Mastermind Nigel Farage As An On-Air Contributor
–– Will translate stupid for Anglophile racists.
Netanyahu to discuss Syria, Palestinians and Iran with Trump
–– Trump to discuss huge size of inauguration crowd and shvantz.
Jared Kushner, Trump’s Son-in-Law, Is Cleared to Serve as Adviser
–– Designation as human still pending.
Trump says he has "running war" with media, gets facts wrong, in CIA speech
–– Armed with endless supply of bullshit.
White House press secretary attacks media for accurately reporting inauguration crowds
–– Will next sue TV meteorologists over inauguration day forecast.
She’s 54, white, rural and a lifelong Republican. Why is she protesting Donald Trump?
–– Has soul?
In R-rated anti-Trump rant, Madonna muses about 'blowing up White House'
–– Giving FOX reason to even mention historic event.
Attack on Alt-Right Leader Has Internet Asking: Is It O.K. to Punch a Nazi?
–– In rhetorical question.
Former CIA chief says Trump should 'be ashamed'
–– Like asking ferret to recite Hamlet soliloquy.
Schumer: Booing 'speaks poorly' of some in inauguration crowd
–– You know that crowd speaks poorly.
Southeast likely to get more severe storms
–– God’s been listening to Trump.
President Trump Accused the Media of Lying About His Inauguration Crowd Size. He’s Wrong
–– He insists we’re not really talking about size of ‘hands.’
Trump draws far smaller inaugural crowd than Obama
–– ‘Yeah, but he’s a black guy –– everyone knows theirs are bigger, but I still get way more pussy.’
Crowd Scientists Say Women’s March in Washington Had 3 Times as Many People as Trump’s Inauguration
–– ‘See — waaaay more pussy.’
White House claims largest crowd size in history, despite evidence to the contrary
–– Insist there were 10 to 15 million undocumented TVs.
Conway: Trump White House offered 'alternative facts' on crowd size
–– Provided by statisticians in alternative reality.
Trump admin tells National Park Service to halt tweets
–– Facts held in detention.
Canadians say they were turned away at US border on way to Women's March
–– Women marchers would like to join them heading North.
Trump inauguration draws nearly 31 million U.S. television viewers
–– Train wrecks are ratings machines.
Donald Trump Inauguration Draws 30.6 Million Viewers, Fewer Than Obama in 2009
–– Calls Nielsen ‘liar’ –– ‘We outdrew every president including Washington, Lincoln.’
SWORN THIN
Week of 01/20/17
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
It's now President Trump, vowing 'America First' in nationalist speech
–– Demonstrating again how #1 turns him on.
We prayed with Donald Trump
–– After sacrificing she-goat.
President Trump’s “American Carnage” inauguration speech makes Twitter cringe
–– And gives presidential historians title for Vol. 1.
Military refused Trump’s bid to parade missile launchers at inauguration
–– Aimed at protesters.
Barack Obama’s Final Tweet as President: ‘I Believe in Change’
–– ‘Not today’s, but in general.’
Obama last strike kills over 100 al Qaeda in Syria
–– Which explains his smiling through Trump Inauguration.
The world reacts as Donald Trump takes power
–– Note vomitous scent in jet stream.
Donald Trump says he 'outworked everybody who ever ran for office'
–– In latest slang for shamed.
Hillary Clinton's gut-wrenching day
–– Did she give tubby Trump's tummy a twist?
Former Sen. Barbara Boxer Signs With CAA
–– Eyes career in MMA.
Female lawmakers brawl in Turkish parliament
–– Rhonda Rousey considers running for MP.
Trump’s team says he’s ‘troubled’ by Chelsea Manning commutation
–– ‘Anything about transgentrified people kinda creeps him out.’
Julian Assange Says He Will Return to U.S. After Manning Decision
–– Finally Manning up?
Despite boasts, Trump’s administration riddled with staffing holes
–– In positions already filled.
The huge crack in this Antarctic ice shelf just grew by another 6 miles
–– Trump suggests wall to keep climatologists out of DC.
Pfizer CEO: This is what Trump doesn’t understand about the pharma industry
–– Produces 25 bound volumes.
Pence Says 'Obamacare' Users Should Have 'No Anxiety' About Losing Insurance
–– Because Trump plan will fund painkillers, nothing else.
Trump walked out to 'Heart of Stone' at the inaugural concert for some unfathomable reason
–– Head of, maybe.
My Niece Has My $1M Kandinsky Painting in Her FIT Dorm Room, Aunt Fears
–– Sounds like nice FIT.
Mexican drug lord 'El Chapo' to face judge in Brooklyn
–– Lawyers request hearing in Brooklyn Tunnel.
'El Chapo' Guzman pleads not guilty in US to 17 counts
––
13 barons, 4 dukes, an earl.
Trump: My Cabinet has 'highest IQ of any Cabinet ever assembled'
–– Including some from IKEA.
Scott Baio Now Wants to See Trump Lead an American "Resurgence"
–– Baio pigs.
Madonna on Trump: "We Have Gone as Low as We Can Go"
–– Coming from her, that's saying something.
Malia Obama to Intern for Harvey Weinstein
–– Is she really McGowan there?
Trump makes $25 million payment for Trump U settlement
–– Somebody got schooled.
Reports: ISIS destroys facade of Roman theater in Syrian city of Palmyra
–– As they officially run out of ways to shock civilized world.
Trump taps NY Jets' owner as UK ambassador
–– Based solely on fact he’s been in Jet.
Trump’s spokesman on Cabinet: 'It's not just about skin color or ethnic heritage'
–– ‘It’s about sheer greed.’
Nearly $70,000 In Cocaine Found Hidden In Box Of Jamaican Beef Patties At JFK
–– ‘Yo, mon, and we was wantin' to be chillin’.’
Spicer: Trump inaugural address to be a 'philosophical document'
–– Sort of The Tao of Poo.
Donald Trump's inauguration speech: 'He wants to talk about his vision'
–– ‘Look, no glasses, no contacts, the doctors can’t believe it. I’m 20/15, incredible!’
Pope Francis to Bless Philippines and President Rodrigo Duterte
–– And make gift of God Bless This Mess wall hanging.
House Speaker Ryan Hopes White House Will Be 'Tempering Agent' for Trump
–– Kind of how Bonnie cooled out Clyde.
Ivanka Trump Says She Will Not Be Filling In as First Lady in Trump Administration
–– Though President would like to fill her in.
Alanis Morissette manager admits to $4.8M theft from singer
–– Ironic.
Steven Mnuchin, Treasury Nominee, Failed to Disclose $100 Million in Assets
–– Didn't see petty cash line on disclosure form.
Octomom foreclosure haunts Treasury nominee
–– Tried to find her garden in shade.
Skeletal government: As Trump takes over, hundreds of jobs will be unfilled
–– Looks like Army of Darkness.
Outgoing administration raises alarm bells on Trump readiness
–– Can't be heard over civil defense siren.
Drugmaker fined $100M for hiking price 85,000%
–– Execs claim they did in sleep while on Ambien.
Woman’s amputated foot becomes Instagram star
–– Stumps millions.
Donald Trump's 2020 Presidential Slogan Same as Horror Movie 'Purge: Election Year'
–– Stole plot for current production opening January 19.
Vladimir Putin has hailed Russia's prostitutes as 'the best in the world'
–– ‘Including stud we send to White House.’
BunnyRanch Boss Says Putin’s Claim That Russian Prostitutes are ‘Best in the World’ Is ‘Ridiculous’
–– Finally, open and honest debate on world affairs.
Jim Brown’s ‘love’ for Donald Trump is at odds with the man we’ve come to know
–– Until you consider all the likely concussions.
Russian Officials Invite Marine Le Pen to Crimea
–– Returns to scene of Crimea.
Trump pick Price on Obamacare repeal: 'Nobody's interested in pulling the rug out from anybody'
–– ‘But, c’mon, there’s no funnier gag.’
Fox News 9 p.m. ratings soar as Tucker Carlson takes over for Megyn Kelly
–– Viewers like host better as brunette.
A Video Store That Only Carries Copies of ‘Jerry Maguire’ Opens in Los Angeles
–– Show me the monotony.
‘Learning Curve’ as Rick Perry Pursues a Job He Initially Misunderstood
–– Thought Energy Department supervised nation’s supply of Red Bull.
Sheryl Sandberg: "People Don’t Want to See Hoaxes on Facebook, and We Don't Want to Either"
–– "But if we edit for accuracy, we'd have to remove 50% of status updates, 77% of Friends, 93% of Likes."
Norman Lear: Why Do People Fall For Fake News?
–– It's all in the family.
New moth named in honor of Donald Trump
–– Is fly-by-night.
Obama’s parting words: 'We're going to be OK'
–– ‘That’s the royal we –– you’re fucked.’
McDonald’s just tweaked the Big Mac
–– In latest slang for upchucked.
2,000 GM workers to lose jobs on Trump Inauguration Day
–– Offered $2 an hour to line Inaugural Parade.
Again, we just experienced the hottest year on record
–– Give me swelter.
Trump Entering White House Unbent and Unpopular
–– Oh, he’s totally bent.
Trump Budget Nominee Did Not Pay Taxes for Employee
–– 'But President-elect says that makes me smart.'
Trump’s Army Secretary Pick Was Once Accused of Punching Auction Worker
–– His bid is going, going, gone.
Patrick Stewart to Voice Poop Emoji in 'Emoji Movie'
–– Shakespearean training finally paying off.
600-year-old Buddha statue emerges from lake
–– Takes gulp of air, submerges.
Trump says he DOESN'T LIKE tweeting and would quit 'if the press were honest' – but Americans are beginning to worry about 'unintended major consequences'
–– Being reminded daily they elected sociopathic thug.
Dancing with the devil: Inside the Los Angeles Satanic Temple's biggest EVER 'black mass' with blood-letting, demonic cats, tattoos... and 'destruction rituals'
–– Now that's how you celebrate an inauguration!
Trump's Education pick Betsy DeVos argues that teachers should be allowed to take guns to school... in case they are attacked by GRIZZLY BEARS
–– That are armed!
Emaciated bears beg for food
–– DeVos cites as reason to cut school lunch programs.
NFL denies it asked Lady Gaga to stay silent on Trump
–– No gaga order.
Here’s Donald Trump's inaugural lunch menu
–– Shit three ways.
Trump Suggests, Without Evidence, That CIA Director Is 'Leaker' Behind Unsubstantiated Report
–– Offers $50 to watch him eliminate.
Donald Trump waits in his tower — accessible yet isolated
–– Ready to let down golden hair.
Nearly 50 House Democrats vow to boycott Trump inauguration
–– In Operation Orange Crush.
Even Pro-Trump Celebs Are Skipping D.C.
–– Requested swearing-in be held under cover of darkness.
Last man to walk on the moon, Gene Cernan, leaves behind a dying wish
–– "Enough already with "One small step…'"
In ‘Brexit’ Speech, Theresa May Outlines Clean Break for U.K.
–– May Day! May Day!
Glenn Beck Is Done Being a TV ‘Cartoon Character’
–– Will play wacky animated pal in movies.
Billy Eichner: Donald Trump Is ‘So Transparently Full of S— — It’s Shameful’
–– Oh, there's way more s— — under the suit.
Obama’s Secret to Surviving the White House Years: Books
–– With cigarettes hidden in them.
Zebra shark surprises scientists by giving birth without male
–– Shows true stripes.
Paul LePage: John Lewis should thank Republican presidents for ending slavery, fighting Jim Crow
–– And letting them caddy at Maine country clubs.
Ivanka Trump has her father's trust
–– And lust.
Donald Trump mistakenly tweets Ivanka Majic instead of his daughter
–– Luckily wasn't sext.
Reality Check: Trump says Atlanta is 'falling apart' and 'crime infested'
–– ‘I saw Gone With the Wind.’
When He Goes Low, They Go … Where? Democrats Mull How to Confront Trump
–– Go…get high?
Hail Trump? White nationalists already losing faith in President-elect
–– Trump: 'Heil be back.'
Ethics paperwork still missing for Trump's billionaire Cabinet picks
–– Eaten by fat cats.
Before presidential run, Trump called Russia the 'biggest problem' and geopolitical foe of U.S.
–– ‘I wouldn’t put blackmailing a U.S. presidential candidate past them.’
Despite 'Famous' friendship, Trump team hasn't asked Kanye to perform
–– Was afraid of being out-crazied.
Bob Beckel Will Return to Fox News’ ‘The Five’
–– Murdoch couldn't find sadder token liberal.
Fox News Alum Monica Crowley Backs Out of Trump Administration Amid Plagiarism Accusations
–– Eats crowly.
Bill Maher Isn’t High on Trump: The State of Free Speech in a New Era
–– Admits he's still addicted to dope.
Husband to give wife kidney for wedding anniversary
–– Not his.
When Jerry Jones bought the Dallas Cowboys they were losing $1 million per month and now it is the most valuable team in the world
–– Because Texas loves perennial playoff loser.
Scotland’s 'Sunday Herald' Treats The Trump Inauguration As A 'Twilight Zone' Revival In The TV Listings
–– When he wants 'to serve man,' he means on platter?
Trump suggests he may do away with Russia sanctions if Moscow helpful
–– By asking politely.
Trump aides hope to shift Inaugural week focus away from recent controversies
–– To focus on fresh set he'll create.
Say What Now? Florida Man Arrested for Having Sex Over 100 Times with the Family Dog 'Baby Girl'
–– And he’s not even married to bitch.
Anti-Trumper John Kasich to doubters: I'm no lame duck
–– 'I'm the conscience of a mindless political party.'
Texas teacher who had sex almost daily with 13-year-old student gets 10 years in prison
–– He gets counselling and daily ice bucket challenge.
South Korean prosecutors seek warrant to arrest Samsung head for bribery
–– Apple sues saying charges look suspiciously familiar.
Trump vows ‘insurance for everybody’ in plan to replace Obamacare
–– 'Everybody who voted for me.'
Trump rattles NATO with 'obsolete' blast
–– Putin soils self in excitement.
These 8 men are richer than 3.6 billion people combined
–– Going for 4 bil in Trump’s first term.
In Trump’s Feud With John Lewis, Blacks Perceive a Callous Rival
–– Very perceptive.
Trump Team Considers Moving Press Corps, Alarming Reporters
–– Will submerge in literal pool.
Justice Clarence Thomas to swear-in Mike Pence
–– If he can be convinced to ask questions.
Democrats already are trying to get out the vote for 2020
–– Might take dynamite.
Famed Ringling Bros. circus closing after more than 100 years
–– PETA takes bow.
Netanyahu: Paris peace conference is 'useless'
–– 'Settle down? Never!'
Dick Gautier, Hymie the Robot on 'Get Smart,' Dies at 85
–– Praised by co-workers as 'automatic.'
GOP introduces new gun silencer law
–– Silent but deadly.
It’s All Over: 'Dreamgirls' star Holliday backs out of Trump inauguration performance
–– Holliday on ice.
Protesters shut down Milo Yiannopoulos event at UC Davis
–– First Amendment doesn't know whether to shit or go blind.
‘You Focus on the Good’: Women Who Voted for Trump, in Their Own Words
–– ‘I mean, you try desperately to find it first, and then…’
Scott Pruitt, Trump’s E.P.A. Pick, Backed Industry Donors Over Regulators
–– Another pollutocrat.
Trump’s national security advisor has been in touch with Russian ambassador
–– FSB has intimate contact on tape.
MEDIA SHOWERS
Week of 01/13/17
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump: Only 'stupid' people think warm ties with Russia are a bad thing
–– He prefers warm tides.
First days of 2017 bring new 'bathroom bills'
–– Government officially in toilet.
Hollywood Reacts to Trump's "Sensual" Inauguration, "Golden Shower" Reports
–– Comes as relief.
US ending 'wet foot, dry foot' policy for Cubans
–– Trump instituting for Russian hookers.
Russia’s Sexual Blackmail Didn’t Die With the Soviets
–– Welcome back to Cold Whore.
Far-right French politician Le Pen sighted at Trump Tower
–– Shopping for gift basket of deplorables.
John Lewis: Trump is not a ‘legitimate’ president
–– Hard to call bastard ‘legitimate.’
Trump, 'Family Feud' host Steve Harvey meet
––
Survey says: 'Uncle Tom.'
Lyle Menendez is happily in a sexless marriage
–– Is what he tells his wife on outside.
Florida Man Strangled Wife, Then Impersonated Her on Facebook, Police Say
–– Where he hooked up with Lyle Menendez.
Obama’s bittersweet goodbye: ‘Yes we can. Yes we did.’
–– ‘Now we won’t.’
Electroshock Therapy for Internet Addicts? China Vows to End It
–– Low voltage undies optional.
3 Takata Executives Face Criminal Charges Over Exploding Airbags
–– Feel 'deflated.'
Lee Greenwood to perform at concert for Donald Trump's inauguration
–– In case you need to bone up on redneck jokes.
Toby Keith, 3 Doors Down to Perform at Trump Inauguration
–– Each door leading to Underworld.
Donald Trump Lashes Out at Hillary Clinton, Calling Her ‘Guilty as Hell’
–– ‘And I am final arbiter Below!’
William Peter Blatty, ‘The Exorcist: Writer, Dies at 89
–– Devil may care.
Joseph Fiennes as Michael Jackson is not going over well
–– Weren’t there enough epicene, surgically-altered, paedophiliac addicts of bleached color in England who could’ve played part?
Latest to Disagree With Donald Trump: His Cabinet Nominees
–– Just because they're sane doesn't make them competent.
In Iowa, Trump Voters Are Unfazed by Controversies
–– In latest euphemism for comatose.
Why Killer Whales Go Through Menopause
–– They've devoured women of certain age.
Peter Thiel, Trump’s Tech Pal, Explains Himself
–– Latest slang for sexter.
Ben Carson sits for hearing amid questions about qualifications
–– ‘Have you any?”, ‘Even one?!’
What the last 48 hours told us about Trump's next 4 years
–– Canada immigration: 1-888-242-2100.
Front Door of Chargers Park Egged After Reports of Relocation to LA
–– Thrown with greater accuracy than QB Philip Rivers.
Trump national security pick Monica Crowley plagiarized multiple sources in 2012 book
–– Trump: ‘I know something about her reminded me of Melania.’
HarperCollins pulls Trump pick Monica Crowley's book amid plagiarism revelations
–– Editor: “Why couldn’t she just’ve made stuff up like her boss?”
Trump on Compromising Dossier Leak: ‘Are We Living in Nazi Germany?’
–– ‘Not yet? OK, let’s see what I can do.’
Trump Under Fire for Invoking Nazis in Criticism of U.S. Intelligence
–– ‘Look I know from Nazis –– we called dad ‘dear Führer’ at home.’
Aasif Mandvi on Trump’s Press Conference: ‘These Are the First Signs of Fascism’
–– ‘See, even the Muslim recognize my progess.’
Megyn Kelly, Greta Van Susteren Moves Force Fox News to Go Trumpier
–– They’ve always been at cutting edge of stupid.
Will Smith in Early Talks to Star in Tim Burton's 'Dumbo'
–– In title role.
Larry Flynt Lashes Out at Trump "Hypocrites," "Redneck" Voters and a Brewing War on Obscenity
–– The Conscience of a Nation 2017.
Mother surprised by 14-pound baby
–– Gave her hand-woven perineum for his birthday.
Ex-wife of Labor nominee leveled abuse claims on 'Oprah'
–– Did he strike?
George Lucas Selects Los Angeles for $1 Billion Museum
–– Why not just a shelf at Toys “R” Us?
Trump Getting Rid Of Those in Charge of Securing America's Nukes Before Securing Replacements
–– Hiring George Zimmerman to keep safe.
Taiwan leader heads to Americas; US stops set to irk China
–– Trump has Taipei personality.
Texas Gov. Greg Abbott met with Taiwan's president, gave her a very awkward present
–– Giant foam hand reading 'China One!'
D.C. Dress Shops Dispute Trump’s Claim That They Are ‘Sold-Out’ for Inauguration: ‘There’s Never Been Less Demand’
–– 'Except for funeral ensembles.'
Cows as big as elephants may soon roam Europe
–– In increasingly nasty slang for large women of certain age.
Sessions suggests Trump admin could stamp out legal pot
–– 'You just step on the 'roach' repeatedly.'
Shake Shack founder: Tipping is 'one of the biggest hoaxes pulled on an entire culture'
–– Like a $6 fast food burger?
Alibaba’s Ma meets Trump, promises to bring one million jobs to U.S.
–– Mostly in woodcutting, her son’s specialty.
What Trump doesn't know about Alibaba's jobs pledge
–– He's only biggest bullshit artist in West.
Fox News Quietly Settles Sexual Harassment Suit Former Host Juliet Huddy Filed Against Bill O’Reilly: Report
–– Huddy boo boo.
Marie Osmond: I'd perform at Trump's Inauguration
–– Added: “Look, I’d perform at a Klan bar mitzvah –– I’m desperate!”
Buddy Greco, Hit Singer of ‘The Lady Is a Tramp,’ Dies at 90
–– Greco roamin’.
‘Flip or Flop' stars move to divorce, report says
–– Will they rehab and flip as reconciliation?
Donald Trump is 'gaslighting' all of us
–– As psychotic murderers do.
Compromising Dossier on Donald Trump Is ‘Pulp Fiction,’ Russia Says
–– Scene where Ving Rhames gets raped.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie release first joint statement agreeing to seal divorce documents
–– And describing how much he loves joints.
BAFTA Nominations: Do Snubs of Denzel Washington, Barry Jenkins Merit #BAFTAsSoWhite Scrutiny?
–– And doesn't accompanying article accusing BAFTA of ‘a race-related problem’ constitute scrutiny?
Horse dies after cop leaves it alone for 16 hours
–– Of broken heart.
Read Donald Trump's Tweet About "Black-ish"
–– It’s “Race-isht.”
Stuck Without a Trump Job, Christie Looking for Career Options
–– Something before summer job at boardwalk custard stand.
Darth Maul Reveals Himself to the Jedi
–– Who are unnerved by Darth ball.
Manning, Hankins, Adams reportedly subjected to postgame drug test
–– Officials concerned they might be on crack after that performance.
Ben Affleck Teases He Was 'a Little Taken Aback' That Brother Casey Didn't Thank Him in Golden Globes Speech
–– Although his woodenness did make bro look better.
Emma Stone Freaks Out Watching Ex Andrew Garfield Smooch Ryan Reynolds at the Golden Globes
–– Won peckpool.
Werewolf Cats Drawing Crowds at London Cat Show
–– But only on full moonlit nights.
Trump talked about WikiLeaks incessantly during last month of campaign, analysis finds
–– Had contractual obligation to sponsor.
There are illnesses that could bankrupt our society, Merck CEO says
–– Or, more accurately, drug prices that can.
Donald Trump benches ex-Washington Senators announcer for inauguration
–– Figured WWF ring announcer more appropriate.
This Elusive Gecko Hides in Plain Sight
–– At insurance industry trade show.
Country star finds slithery surprise in toilet
–– Swears off unagi at sushi bar.
George Clooney Recalls Most "Moving Moment" of Obama's Presidency
–– That comes January 19, 2016.
J.J. Abrams Says He’s Done With Remakes & Reboots
–– Until he releases two original bombs.
Tomatillo Fossils, 52 Million Years Old, Are Discovered in Patagonia
–– Basis of Flintstone’s salsa verde recipe.
Complaint challenges Prevagen memory claims
–– Feds: Fuhgeddaboudit.
David Lynch Makes Surprise TCA Appearance, Talks 'Twin Peaks' Revival
–– Makes exactly no sense.
Volkswagen Executive’s Trip to U.S. Allowed F.B.I. to Pounce
–– Squashed bug.
Trump’s decision to appoint Jared Kushner to top White House post raises potential ethical problems
–– Patrick Bateman wannabe: 'Whatever that means.'
Collapse of Atlantic Ocean Current Could Trigger Icy Apocalypse, Researchers Warn
–– Wave bye bye.
Lola Kirke Didn’t Shave Her Armpits For The Golden Globes. Now Get Over It.
–– Can’t we get into it?
Lola Kirke Wore A ‘F**k Paul Ryan’ Pin On The Golden Globes Red Carpet
–– Now that's sexy.
Jenna Bush Hager Offers Teary-Eyed Apology for 'Hidden Fences' Flub: "I'm Not Perfect"
–– “But I do see all the Afro-American pictures –– I loved Hidden Moonlight, Birth of a Fence, Boo! A Madea Hiddenween…"
Bush daughters offer advice to Malia and Sasha Obama in open letter
–– “Don’t get the names of black movies confused when you’re hosting a TV show.”
This young woman was having strokes. Doctors found the answer in a tiny hole.
–– But were too discreet to identify whose.
Kellyanne Conway Says Meryl Streep’s Trump Speech Left Her ‘Concerned’
–– Not to worry: Trumpists think Meryl Streep is rural route.
A Dairy Queen owner unleashed a racist tirade against a customer. He no longer has a business.
–– A reality TV star did same thing, is President of United Staes.
Hillary Clinton Receives Ovation at ‘The Color Purple’
–– Which is current shade of her bruises.
Kerry apologizes for State Department discrimination against LGBT employees
–– Expect a lot more of that from Tillerson.
McDonald’s gives up control of its China business in $2 billion deal
–– Hamburglar sentenced to reeducation camp.
How did Fort Lauderdale suspect get gun back?
–– From FBI with bow around it.
Charles Manson in California prison, no comment on condition: official
–– A worried nation holds its breath.
Queen Elizabeth Heads to Church With Will and Kate in First Outing Since Illness
–– Prince Charles praying it was in back of hearse.
David Blaine’s Attempt to Shoot Himself in the Mouth Went Awry, Making You Wonder If You Even Understand Magic
–– Would’ve been miracle if it made him disappear.
Ted Cruz issues China an epic eye roll, saying it can't tell the U.S. what to do
–– At least he didn’t squint eyes and put chopsticks under top lip.
President Obama Says He and Donald Trump 'Are Sort of Opposites'
–– Right, a real president and a …?
Martin Shkreli kicked off Twitter, Periscope
–– Not sociopathic creep we wanted banned.
Kia unveils its own European sports sedan
–– If you want to pay German price for Korean car.
President Obama to offer 'admonitions' in farewell address
–– Trump tweets: “But he doesn’t even own a gun. Sad.”
‘La La Land' Choreographer Mandy Moore Isn't the Same Person as 'This Is Us' Actress Mandy Moore
–– Whoa, like two different people can have same name? Holy John Smith!
Donald Trump Calls Meryl Streep “Hillary Lover” After Her golden Globes Speech
–– “And I wouldn’t pay to see that if those two were 25.”
Donald Trump Lashes Back at Meryl Streep, Calls Her an ‘Overrated’ Actress
–– ‘Her Sophie was merely jejune, Silkwood lacked metaphysical grandeur, and that Danish accent in Out of Africa –– I thought I was listening to a Swedish scullery maid.'
MMA President Invites Meryl Streep to a Fight After Golden Globes Diss
–– Best two out of three falls.
What Are You Hiding, Jeff Sessions?
–– His widdle Trump bump.
With Speech, Theresa May Prepares to Walk ‘Brexit’ Tightrope
–– With her jaw.
The Limited just shut all of its stores
–– Now Really Limited.
Kushner: Trump didn't believe conspiracy theories
–– That he originated.
Rand Paul: Trump 'fully supports my plan to replace Obamacare'
–– Like he supports Mitt Romney for Secretary of State.
Trump Calls for Closer Relationship Between U.S. and Russia
–– As abused spouses sometimes do.
Trump's 'Great Wall' vs the Chinese competition
–– Both border on ridiculous.
Former Mexican President Says He Is Still Not Paying for Donald Trump’s Wall
–– Rejects peso as you go plan.
JULIAN DONKEY-BOY
Week of 01/06/17
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Putin Led a Complex Cyberattack Scheme to Aid Trump, Report Finds
–– To be named US Ambassador to Ukraine.
Russian cyber attacks are 'acts of war' - McCain
–– Calls for Charge of Light Brigade.
Intel report says US identifies go-betweens who gave emails to WikiLeaks
–– Code named Eric, Don Jr.
President-Elect Donald Trump 'Prepared to Listen and Understand' Intel on Russia, Spokesman Says
–– If they speak slowly, use small words and don't mention Putin.
If Obama is a Muslim, is Trump a Russian spy?
–– But aren't they supposed to be undercover?
Trump’s Incoming Press Secretary Questions Whether Obama's Russia Sanctions Are Out of 'Proportion'
–– Until Trump reinstates state-sanctioned assassinations, perhaps.
Trump jabs at 'head clown' Schumer amid Obamacare fight
–– High praise from King of Fools.
The Clown Face Registry of the UK
–– Yes, Boris Johnson is #1.
With Schwarzenegger as Host, ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Lacks Old Bite
–– It’s the dentures.
Trump Blames Schwarzenegger for Bad Apprentice Ratings; Arnold Responds by Quoting Lincoln
–– 'You can foul some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not foul all of the people all of the time.'
Arnold Schwarzenegger Reveals His 'Apprentice' Firing Catchphrase
–– 'Trump you, motherfocker.'
Trump Nominees’ Filings Threaten to Overwhelm Federal Ethics Office
–– And drain nation's supply of anti-nausea medications.
Israeli police question Netanyahu again over graft suspicion
–– And why hair keeps getting darker.
Cuban troops’ bizarre chant: We’ll make Obama ‘a hat out of bullets to the head’
–– Skull caps?
Villagers sentence falsely accused woman to death by fire ants
–– After granting final picnic.
SeaWorld’s ‘Blackfish’ Killer Whale Tilikum Dies
–– Putin sends tribute, flowers.
50 pole dancers escort Taiwan politician's funeral procession
–– Trump team looking to book for Inauguration Parade.
Iceberg the size of Delaware to break off from Antarctica
–– Joe Biden considers running for Governor of it.
Trump Said ‘Torture Works.’ An Echo Is Feared Worldwide.
–– 17 months of it won him election.
Dan Coats, the ‘Mister Rogers’ Senator Poised to Be Intelligence Chief'
–– 'It’s a beautiful day in the cyberhood, a beautiful day for a cyber thief. Would you be hacked? Could you be hacked?'
Obama's government grew by less than Reagan's
–– Doggone socialists!
A record 75 straight months of job growth under Obama
–– About to end for federal workers who supported him.
In Break With Precedent, Obama Envoys Are Denied Extensions Past Inauguration Day
–– Yep, upresidented.
Trump asking Congress, not Mexico, to pay for border wall
–– Figures enough of them bring drugs, crime and are rapists.
Massachusetts sheriff volunteers inmates to build Donald Trump's border wall
––
They can't wait to build, tunnel under, escape to Mexico.
The Iconic ‘Seinfeld’ Theme Song Was Totally Improvised
–– Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Trump’s debt spread across 150 companies, Wall Street Journal says
–– President of the IOUSA.
Kevin Costner Went Looking for Mushrooms With a Stuntman While Filming 'Robin Hood'
–– Hallucinogens might've improved accent.
Megyn Kelly Signs Off Fox News: ‘I’ll See You Again Soon’
–– 'When you start watching libtard, fake news, crooked NBC.'
Tucker Carlson to Replace Megyn Kelly on Fox News
–– With tagline for loyal male viewers: 'A new kind of jerkoff.'
Trump’s spiritual adviser, Paula White, fires back at critics
–– "I'm Donald J. Trump's spiritual advisor, fer chrissakes. Who'd you expect, St. Francis of friggin' Assisi?"
Mysterious radio signal traced to dwarf galaxy light-years away
–– A transmission of Terror of Tiny Town.
Lyle Menéndez Remembers ‘Force of Nature’ Father He and Brother Killed in Infamous 1989 Murder
–– Bros and cons.
Carl Reiner Remembers Debbie Reynolds, Carrie Fisher as "Absolutely Different People"
–– “I’m positive –– I saw them in the same room together.”
Debbie Reynolds' Close Friend Ruta Lee Recalls Yacht Trip With Alex Trebek and a Search for Hot Dogs in Monaco
–– Anecdotes that don’t include dead star.
Disney Might Receive $50 Million Payout After Carrie Fisher's Death
–– Part of their ‘Leia away’ plan.
Petition Started to Make Carrie Fisher's Leia an Official Disney Princess
–– With drug droids, electroshock hairbuns.
Stallone Daughters on Miss Golden Globe Gig: "This Is Our Moment"
–– “Because you’ll never hear about us again.”
Smart breast pump lets moms multitask
–– Not for boobs.
South Korea speeds up creation of Kim Jong Un 'decapitation unit'
–– Want to get ahead of selves.
Homicide charges dropped against ex-pro wrestler Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka
–– Court did revoke criminally silly nickname.
A TV as thin as wallpaper
–– And programming to match.
Trump team looking at ways to limit the power of DNI, sources say
–– Any agency with Intelligence in name makes him nervous.
Pro-weed organization to hand out free joints on Inauguration Day
–– Crowd will need Fentanyl to get through ordeal.
Dylann Roof: 'There's nothing wrong with me psychologically'
–– Not in South Carolina.
The mesentery: A 'new' organ you didn't know you had
–– Expect messy entry.
Naomi Campbell wants to write a book
–– Will first try reading one.
China tells Donald Trump to lay off Twitter
–– We have to agree with China, now? Really?!
Apple Removes New York Times Apps From Its Store in China
–– And will need to change name to Pomegranate.
Viacom Breaks Ground on First Nickelodeon Resort in China
–– SpongeBob's square pants must be red, there will be Teenage Kung Fu Turtles, Dora can't explore Taiwan.
WikiLeaks’ Assange: Russia didn't give us emails
–– Was some 400 lb. dude named Bradamir Putnam.
Ex-CIA spokesman: Trump believes Julian Assange over the CIA
–– He trusts that hair: ‘It’s fantastic.’
GOP worries about repealing Obamacare with no replacement
–– Just occurred to them.
Huckabee visits West Bank: 'Build Israel Great Again'
–– As it was in 10th Century BCE.
Parents and Students Brawl in Stands After Ohio High School Game
–– Compelling excuse for open carry law.
Attorney Ordered to Identify Dead Client Who Taunted James Woods on Twitter
–– Desperate for name of someone who knew he was still alive.
Coming to Carnival Cruises: A Wearable Medallion That Records Your Every Whim
–– It better have adjustable band to fit expanding passengers.
Leslie Jones Says Publisher Spreads Hate by Publishing Milo Yiannopoulos’s Book
–– And vowels.
Megyn Kelly’s Jump to NBC From Fox News Will Test Her, and the Networks
–– And our patience.
Congressman’s son dabs during official swearing-in photo, adults don't get what's happening
–– Ones that do find it even more pathetic.
George Kosana, 'Night of the Living Dead' Actor (and Investor), Dies at 81
–– Now he’s really invested.
Trump celebrates new year with convicted felon
–– Hopefully next year it will be with whole cell-block full.
Woman busted smuggling teen refugee inside suitcase
–– Accused of getting emotional and carrying on.
NAACP stages sit-in at Jeff Sessions' office
–– Staff OK with it as long as they're in back of
Charles Manson Had Over 100 Infractions in Prison Before Recent Hospitalization: ‘Not a Model Prisoner’
––
Just Charlie bein' Charlie.
Hillary and Bill Clinton to Attend Donald Trump’s Inauguration
–– Seriously considering pulling a Kanye.
Trump Responds to Kim Jong-un’s ICBM Threat: ‘It Won’t Happen!’
–– Shall will it so.
Trump team misspells name of trade pick on Twitter
–– Trade pick identifies self as ‘tread pick.’
Facebook banned Neptune statue photo for being 'explicitly sexual'
–– And you can’t even see his cockles.
Nixon Tried to Spoil Johnson’s Vietnam Peace Talks in ’68, Notes Show
–– Just Dicking around.
Bruce Springsteen Says He Feels a Special "Kind of Fear" Over Donald Trump's "Competence" as President
–– Knew he wasn't born to run.
Congress opens with an ambitious Republican agenda for the Trump era
–– Timer on bomb set for 100 days.
House Republicans pull plan to gut independent ethics panel after Trump tweets
–– Even gutless on gutting.
Ex-wife of oil tycoon sued for allegedly demanding "black people food"
–– She was at Popeye’s.
Assange Says Russia Allegations Just Way to ‘Delegitimize’ Trump
–– Before returning to his legitimate blow job.
‘You have to straddle me’: Sumner Redstone’s weird in-flight demands
–– Only when he was in upright position.
Gingrich Says Biggest Worry About Trump Administration Is That They Might 'Lose Their Nerve'
–– Losing mind doesn’t concern him.
‘Morning Joe’ Scarborough Wants to be Clear: He Did Not ‘Party’ With Donald Trump
–– Did host Trump ‘party’ in his mouth.
Robin Williams rejected for Harry Potter role thanks to 'British-only' rule
–– And ‘living-only’ regulation.
Ben Affleck Seems Ambivalent About Directing ‘The Batman’
–– Nation ambivalent about seeing it.
France gives workers 'right to disconnect' from office email
–– And annoying American customers.
Pilot passed out in cockpit, accused of being drunk, police say
–– ‘But I hadda deshignated driver, my co-pilot!’
Donald Trump-themed restaurant opens in Iraqi Kurdistan
–– Called Trump Fish. No, you cannot make these things up.
‘Stray’ bullet hits Texas legislator in the head at New Year's celebration
–– Them's ominous quote marks.
ADHD Symptoms: 5 Signs You Have Adult ADHD
–– 3. How many times did you need to reread this?
Trump kicks biographer off golf course
–– Par for the coarse.
Coal Country Picked Trump. Now, They Want Him To Keep His Promises
–– He’ll need to rewind VCR to remember what he said.
President Obama blindsiding Trump as he leaves office?
–– Which side isn’t already blind?
Hipsters Broke My Gaydar
–– And Beardar?
Trump Promises a Revelation on Hacking
–– He thinks it involves machete.
Meet the Musician Who Can't Wait to Play for Donald Trump
–– Nero.
Hollywood Sign Once Again Changed to ‘Hollyweed’
–– Which is kinda funny if you're high.
Mariah Carey Suffers Epic Lip Sync Snafu on 'New Year's Rockin' Eve'
–– Oh, please headline Trump Inaugural Ball.
Mariah Carey's Rep Says 'Rockin' Eve' Producers "Set Her Up to Fail"
–– Trump considering her for wife four.
Mariah Carey Tweets ‘SH** Happens’ As Technical Difficulties Blamed for NYE Meltdown
–– Summing up career.
New UN chief wants consensus but faces antagonistic Trump
–– Has to get holdouts Russia and Philippines to hate him, too.
21 People Stuck 100 ft. in the Air for Over 7 Hours After Ride Malfunction in California
–– Had to pay for 28 additional rides each.
Job No. 1 for a New Congress? Undoing Obama’s Health Law
–– After which they'll have no purpose in life.
Obamacare repeal costs: 3 million jobs gone, $1.5 trillion in lost gross state product
–– VP-elect Pence: 'And dead poor people –– so huge savings on entitlements!'
Is Donald Trump the Friend Israel Needs?
–– Or merely deserves?
UFC’s once-great hope Rousey suffers lightning-fast defeat
–– After Nate Silver predicted easy victory.
Tyrus Wong, ‘Bambi’ Artist Thwarted by Racial Bias, Dies at 106
–– Never rolled in doe.
Zsa Zsa Gabor's Husband Gives Bizarre (and Touching) Funeral Eulogy, Details Red Carpet Obsession
–– Touching oldest, richest widows.
Trump praises ‘very smart’ Putin after U.S. retaliates against Russia
–– Compared to himself.
Cliven Bundy’s “army” is back with more armed threats: “Time for another win”
–– Besides Trump election?
Man jailed over negative Yelp and online reviews wants to use free speech defense at his Dallas trial
–– Online rant about prison food won’t help.
Frank Sinatra's Fettuccine Recipe Is the Perfect Dish for New Year's Eve
–– If you don't have to get up New Year’s Day.