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ANACONDA & FETCH
Week of 11/24/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Jeff Bezos is now worth $100 billion
–– Still can't afford head of hair.

Black Friday posts new single day record for gun checks at more than 200,000
–– Santa better watch out.

Thousands of names purged from FBI background check system for gun buying
–– Including Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen.

These So-Called Apologies For Sexual Misconduct Completely Missed The Mark
–– Didn't hit below the belt.

‘Game of Thrones’: Emilia Clarke and Kit Harington to Compete for Lead Acting Golden Globes in 2018
–– For whole Kit and canoodle.

Why ‘Made in America’ Is Stitched Into the Law, but Not the Uniform
–– Didn't follow that thread.

Apple Projected to Spend $4.2 Billion on Original Content by 2022
–– Not core business.

Diplomats Sound the Alarm as They Are Pushed Out in Droves
–– Foggy Bottom horn.

New York woman killed by hunter while walking dogs
–– Avoidable if dogs were armed.

State Dept spokeswoman: 'Sure, there's a morale issue in this building'
–– And morals.

Couple slept in disgusting bed bug infestation for years
–– On Squealy Posturepedic.

Dog Who Was Too Hurt To Be Pet Can't Stop Hugging His New Dad
–– Painfully.

Trump Fears Black People, 'The Art of the Deal' Ghostwriter Says
–– Has Omarosa for protection.

Trump Allies Accused of 'Another Desperate Attempt' to Discredit 'Pee Tape' Dossier
–– Won’t dry up.

Gang stabs man 100 times, beheads him, carves out his heart
–– As warning.

John Kelly Has Cut Jared Kushner's Many White House Roles, Report Says
–– Confiscated big cardboard sheriff’s badge.

Donald Trump's name to be removed from Trump SoHo hotel amid boycotts and lost business
–– Was to be renamed Trump AssHo.

Uma Thurman hits out at Harvey Weinstein saying disgraced producer does 'not deserve a bullet'
–– Well, maybe down there.

Republicans in Virginia Refuse to Call Transgender Lawmaker Danica Roem a Woman
–– They may be referred to as Your Honorable Shithead.

Trump’s Thanksgiving Call to Troops Was 'Insulting,' Retired Lieutenant General Says
–– Isn’t having him as Commander-in-Chief insult enough?

Many don’t want politics with pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving, poll finds
–– Trump critics prefer mincemeat.

Russian TV Editor Says His Network Got Calls from The Kremlin To Attack Clinton
–– Putin one over on her.

Body Found Sealed in in Barrel Identified as San Diego Music Producer: Police
–– Drum beat.

After DNA test, California man freed from prison in 1978 double-murder
–– Spit, out.

Moore campaign dodges Washington Post's questions, slams paper as a 'worthless piece of crap'
–– Ideal for covering useless piece of shit.

ISIS Beheads 15 Of Its Own Fighters In Afghanistan
–– Makes them easier to inculcate.

People were distracted by Tiffany Trump's bare legs at White House turkey pardon
–– Pair of dumbsticks.

Ex-Tiger Beat editor: I watched fame take its toll on young David Cassidy
–– And groupies take his

Flynn’s lawyers no longer sharing information with Trump's legal team
–– Will never know his favorite color.

Donald Trump Wants Ivanka and Jared Kushner to Move Back Home to NYC
–– Or maybe 100 miles further east?

Rep. Joe Barton Apologizes for Sending Junk Pics and Sexting Woman
–– Barton funk.

Senator says WH economic adviser faked a bad connection to get Trump off the phone
–– Could've just said, 'I have to take this call from Santa Claus.'

This man is about to launch himself in his homemade rocket to prove the earth is flat
–– Job in Trump’s NASA awaits if he returns.

‘Poor man’s version of Don King’: Trump continues his war of words with LaVar Ball
–– Harsh words from poor man’s version of George Wallace.

Steve Martin's 'King Tut' Sketch Is Racist, Liberal Arts Students Say
–– Tut-tut.

Trump says man who helped convict Klan members in church bombing case is ‘soft on crime’
–– Trump: 'You call that crime?'

Gayle King Says She ‘Came This Close to Canceling’ Colbert Appearance After Charlie Rose Allegations
–– ‘Like Charlie’s hand to intern’s hoohah.’

Since the attack, my husband Rand Paul hasn't taken a single breath without pain
–– Stop smiling already.

Roy Moore says he first noticed his wife when she was 15 or 16 years old
–– Before she hit wall.

Tiffany and Ivanka Trump Wearing Short Skirts Caused an International Uproar Because Sexism
–– Could almost glimpse turkey wattles at pardoning ceremony.

The worst day for mall diamonds in 25 years
–– Like blood diamonds, but on credit.

Uber Reveals 2016 Hack Exposed 57 Million People
–– Hack left meter running.

Pixar’s John Lasseter Was the Subject of a ‘Whisper Network’ for More Than Two Decades
–– Which only turned him on.

John Lasseter Taking Leave of Absence From Pixar Amid "Missteps"
–– The Good Dinosaur, Cars 3?

Anthony Scaramucci Couldn't Sell White House Memoir Because Publishers Thought It Sucked: Report
–– And was three pages long.

Charles Manson, leader of murderous '60s cult, dead at 83
–– To be buried helter-skelter.

Charles Manson Was a 'Loving, Compassionate Man' Who Cared About the Environment, Says Grandson
–– Champion of human fertilizer.

Charles Manson left estate to longtime pen pal
–– 2 cartons of Pall Malls, copy of Helter Skelter, comb, spare change.

Bryan Cranston Says He Was in Charles Manson’s ‘Grasp’ as a Kid in Scary Tweet
–– Little man Tate?

Fox News Taps Mark Levin for New Weekend Primetime Show
–– Now that Charlie Manson’s out of running.

An “Idiot” and a “Dope”: McMaster Reportedly Unloads on Trump During a Private Dinner
–– Advisors disagree where to place on Asshat Spectrum.

McMaster Calling Trump a 'Kindergartner' Makes Him Latest Official Questioning President's Intelligence
–– Huckabee Sanders: 'The President can clearly count by 10s which is a first grade skill.'

Kim Jong-un 'bans drinking, singing and Mothers' Day celebrations' in wake of sanctions on North Korea
–– Still planning fireworks for Nuke Year's Day.

Anti-LGBT Politician Resigns After Being Caught Having Sex With A Man In His Office
–– Pulls out.

Donald Trump Shuts Down His Million-Dollar Charitable Foundation That He Never Gave Money To
–– Except self in tax breakss.

‘Game of Thrones'-Type Series Wouldn't Be Possible in Russia, Culture Minister Says
–– ‘Reality TV not big thing here.’

Workers Lured to Australia Find Low Pay and Tough Conditions
–– ’N' ripper brew, Mate.

Debating Whether Reptiles or Amphibians Should Be House Pets
–– Which are most like Representatives?

Alabama G.O.P. Says It Stands Behind Roy Moore
–– Where it’s harder for him to grab ‘em.

Charlie Rose Made Crude Sexual Advances, Multiple Women Say
–– In most boring way possible.

Gayle King: Charlie Rose "Does Not Get a Pass Here"
–– Already had one from hall monitor.

Bol Bol commits to Oregon Ducks
–– Gimme the Bol.

’Parks & Rec’ Mike Schur Says “Everybody Knew About Kevin Spacey”; ‘Leftovers’ Damon Lindelof Regrets Theroux Jokes
–– Schur they did.

Our Ancient Neanderthal Relatives Went Extinct Much Later Than We Thought
–– Recently spotted in West Wing.

The Latest: Trump promises 'huge tax cut for Christmas'
–– Scrooge celebrates.

IHOP will deliver your pancakes in select cities
–– If they fit through mail slot.

Nicole Kidman slayed the thigh-high boot trend at the 2017 AMAs
–– Needed to wade through bullshit.

Morrissey comments on Hollywood sexual abuse scandal, says some victims are 'just disappointed'
–– With Weinstein's post-rape pillow talk?

Harrison Ford helps rescue woman from car wreck
–– He didn’t cause with plane.

Ralph Shortey: Former senior member of Trump’s Oklahoma campaign will plead guilty to child sex trafficking charge
–– Got Shortey.

Trump’s Mar-A-Lago is Losing Palm Beach Elite, Can Only Bring in Far-Right Groups
–– Which actually might be upgrade.

Ashley Graham just threw some major shade at Victoria's Secret
–– Just standing in sun.

A-Rod was 'unable to have an intellectual conversation about anything,' says ex's mom
–– Because she never brought up PEDs.

One of Roy Moore's defenders said Mary was a teenager and Joseph was an adult — here's what the Bible says about that
–– God knocked up underaged girlfriend.

Roger Waters, Brian Eno Criticize Nick Cave for Israel Concerts
–– Cave dwelling.

Argentinian navy detects noises that could be from missing sub
–– ‘Glub, glub…’

The Zimbabwean parliament may plan on impeaching Robert Mugabe, but he won’t give up that easily
–– Just wait until he takes nap, carry out.

A Strongman Nicknamed ‘Crocodile’ Is Poised to Replace Mugabe
–– Snaps up office.

Celebrating a 25-Year-Old Clinton Win, but Still Stung by a Trump Defeat
–– Bill's eight years yuge comfort to Hill.

How Pixar Made Sure ‘Coco’ Was Culturally Conscious
–– Hired dead consultants.

Trump voter: I'd believe President over Jesus
–– ‘I’m crazy, but I know that statement will get my picture all over the internet.’

Uber rolls out location sharing and glowing windshields
–– Near nuclear plants.

Glenn Thrush, New York Times Reporter, Accused of Sexual Misconduct
–– Glenn thrust.

Trump swipes at Flake on Twitter, calling his career 'toast'
–– Rye comment.

Family of 5-year-old boy crushed in rotating Atlanta restaurant files lawsuit
–– What goes around comes around.

Trump calls on NFL to suspend Raiders' Marshawn Lynch
–– Joins Lynch mob.

Trader Joe's recalls salads over plastic, glass fears
–– Greens really have to get over phobias.

London buses are being powered by a new fuel: Coffee
–– Tea fueling Mini Coopers.

Kushner’s attorney accuses Senate panel of 'gotcha game' over documents request
–– Point is they 'gotcha.'

‘I should have left them in jail!' Trump blasts UCLA basketball player's dad for 'unaccepting' what he did for son detained in China for shoplifting
–– And joined them.

Nigel Farage ‘mistress’ claims she was ‘prevented from visiting him in hospital after plane crash’
–– Faraging for sympathy.

Russell Simmons and Brett Ratner Accused of Teaming Up to Engage in Sexual Misconduct
–– In diversity push for abusers.

Russell Simmons Is Being Accused Of Sexually Assaulting A 17-Year-Old Model While Brett Ratner Watched
–– Almost worse than sitting through own films.

Rep. Dingell says she was groped by 'prominent historical person' in the '80s
–– Hint: Hand so low.

Russian Ambassador: List of Trump Officials I Met Is So Long It Would Take 20 Minutes to Name Them All
–– "Good drinking game –– had shot of vodka every time one called.'

Saudi Arabia 'settlement': Why the kingdom is offering detained elites freedom for their assets
–– It’s what extortionists do.

White House: The Difference Between Trump And Franken Is Franken 'Admitted Wrongdoing'
–– Precisely.

Top General Says He Would Reject An 'Illegal' Nuclear Strike Order From Trump
–– After asking Jared to define 'illegal'.

Justice League’ Encounters Kryptonite At The B.O. With $96M+ Opening: Why The DC Movie Weakened
–– Because it opened Friday, played Saturday, Sunday.


FRANKEN SENSE & MERDE
Week of 11/17/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump's Tweet Condemning Al Franken Assault Allegations Backfires Spectacularly
–– Criticizes him for groping ‘too high’.

US Navy admits aircrew drew penis in the sky
–– To salute Commander-in-Chief.

‘Where do his hands go?’: Trump takes aim at ‘Al Frankenstien’ over groping claims
–– Deride of Frankenstein.

‘Al Franken kissed and groped me without my consent,’ Leeann Tweeden says. The senator apologized.
–– Insists, 'I felt for her.'

Top Russian Official Tried to Broker ‘Backdoor’ Meeting Between Trump and Putin
–– Seems Putin already entered ‘backdoor.’

White House Requests More Disaster Aid but Also Seeks Cuts as Deficits Rise
–– For corporate tax payers.

‘Transparent’ Mulls Future Without Jeffrey Tambor Amid Harassment Claims
–– Producers saw through him.

Germany supplants US as the country with the best global reputation
–– Germany in 40s has better rep than Trump’s America.

School cancels Muslim speaker after community backlash
–– Moronification of America continues apace.

Trump’s bizarre claim that Obama ‘never got to land’ in the Philippines
–– Latest slang for ‘happy ending at Manila massage parlor.’

Ohio governor candidate boasts of sexual history with ‘approximately 50 very attractive females’
–– His slogan: Ohio-State of Arousal.

The judicial nominee who’s never tried a case is also married to a Trump administration lawyer
–– Talley whacker.

World’s first human head transplant a success, professor says
–– Severed head to replace Talley if he drops out.

Victoria’s Secret is struggling because women want to be comfortable
–– Errant go bra.

Head of Puerto Rico's electric power authority resigns
–– Lit out.

Russia Vetoes U.N. Effort to Finger Those Responsible for Syrian Chemical Weapons Attacks
–– Victims fuming.

Book: Steele says 70-90 percent of his Trump-Russia dossier is accurate
–– The juicy stuff?

Gamecocks won’t attend White House
–– Gamey cocks won’t leave.

Trump reverses Obama ban to allow (his sons’) elephant hunt trophies
–– Tusk-a-loser.

Saudi Arabia reportedly arresting people for graft, taking their money, and letting them go
–– Saud-and-scandal epic.

US Treasury Secretary says Saudi Arabia is doing a 'great job' with corruption purges
–– Mnuchin: ‘Can’t we do that with our welfare cheats?’

The House just passed a $1.5 trillion tax bill that’s brutal for poor people
–– And vote to redesignate 'poor people' 'non-voters.'

Apple VP of diversity and inclusion Denise Young Smith is leaving
–– Has nothing to VP.

When Has Trump Been Accused of Rape or Attempted Rape? Allegations Include a Child, His Wife and a Business Associate
–– How about his country?

Donald Trump Jr. Could Be The Worst First Kid In The History Of First Kids, Historians Say
–– Eric jealous, pouting.

Trump Organization falls 37 spots on list of largest NY companies
–– File under Silver Linings.

Prize Of Christmas Breakfast With Donald Trump Makes Stomachs Turn
–– Bring us some fuggy puddding.

North Korean Defector had 10-Inch Parasite in His Stomach, Unlike Anything Surgeon Had Seen Before
–– Nicknamed Brilliant Comrade.

Kim Jong Un May Have Caused a Parasitic Worm Epidemic in North Korea By Making Farmers Spread Human Faeces on Their Crops
–– As he’d spread on the farmers, everyone else.

Dog owners have a lower risk of mortality
–– And self-respect.

Mystery at the new Bible museum: Are its Dead Sea Scrolls fake?
–– Which would be perfectly appropriate.

‘The Royals’ Female Cast & Crew Members Speak Out, Accuse Showrunner Mark Schwahn Of Sexual Harassment
–– Takes Schwahn dive.

Sarah Silverman Addresses Louis C.K.'s Sexual Misconduct: "It's a Real Mindf—"
–– Is that what he was trying to do?

Tony Bennett Honored With Gershwin Prize, Talks "Doing Something" for Trump in Near Future
–– Say it aint necessarily so!

Lil Peep, Rising American Rap Star, Dies at 21
–– According to peeps.

NBCUniversal Turning Lights Off on Chiller Network
–– Just as viewers were mere weeks way from finding it on cable boxes.

Rotten Tomatoes finally reveals Justice League score. It's bad.
–– Bad man.

Rachel Dolezal is now an artisanal lollipop saleswoman
–– Chocolate ones all have vanilla centers.

Joe Scarborough Is Releasing a Trump-Themed Christmas EP, Because This Is Our Reality Now
–– Scarborough unfair.

Paul Manafort's buddy Rick Gates is trying to get released so he can take his kids to school
–– At Fagin Academy for Artful Dodgers.

Roy Moore May Have Been Banned From A Mall For Harassing Teen Girls In 1980s
–– Except JC Peddy.

Woman Says Roy Moore Tried to Rape Her When She Was 16 and Signed Her Yearbook
–– Chose her as Most Likely to Suck Seed.

Roy Moore Tells His Supporters to 'Defeat the Forces of Evil'
–– In apparent plug for opponent.

Moore: 'I'm being harassed by media'
–– ‘Ah feel postively violated.’

Advertisers Ditch Sean Hannity Over His Coverage Of Roy Moore’s Alleged Pursuit of Teens
–– Did pick up spots for Subway, R. Kelly's Greatest Hits, Roman Polanski Boxed Set.

Hannity Fans Destroy Keurig Coffee Makers After Company Pulls Advertising
–– What you’d expect from pod people.

Rush Limbaugh: Roy Moore ‘Was a Democrat’ When He’s Accused of Targeting Teen Girls
–– Limbaugh was already staunch asshole.

Mitch McConnell Tells Roy Moore To Leave Senate Race, Says ‘I Believe The Women’
–– Which is first time he believed woman.

Ivanka Trump's Message To Roy Moore: 'There's A Special Place In Hell For People Who Prey On Children'
–– ‘And Daddy will eventually reign there.’

To Avoid Debacles Like Roy Moore, Repeal The 17th Amendment
–– Right, who can trust goobers to vote for own Senator.

Sam Bee pleads with Alabamians to not vote for alleged pedophile Roy Moore
–– Her Alabama viewer is weighing decision.

Everyone Knew Roy Moore Dated High School Girls, Says Former Colleague
–– Why he wanted to be Junior Senator.

Roy Moore Uses Title Of Teen Cheerleader Movie In Attempt To Defend Himself
–– Gimme a P, gimme an E, gimme an R, gimme a V…what's that spell?

Fake Jewish reporter’s call seeks ‘damaging remarks’ about Roy Moore
–– OK: 'Esn drek, putz!'

Steve Bannon's wacko Roy Moore conspiracy theory
–– More like wackoff.

Trump Can't Get Rid of Jeff Sessions; Attorney General Won't Replace Roy Moore in Alabama Senate Race
–– He only abused fellow elves.

Mass killer Charles Manson is reportedly gravely ill
–– Satan asks for your prayers.

Republicans Explain Why They Want Permanent Tax Cuts For Corporations But Not People
–– ‘Well, they’re people too –– the best kind.’

George Washington's famous Revolutionary War tent found in newly-discovered painting
–– As collage element?

Here’s Scientific Proof That Trump's Hands Are too Small To Hold A Water Bottle Like A Normal Adult
–– Needs to use sippy straws to get fluids into sphincter-like mouth.

Joss Whedon's Twitter gaff angers Justice League fans
–– Did he use it to hook Aquaman?

Millionaire Treasury Secretary, Socialite Wife Pose With Sheets Of Cash
–– No pic when they devoured them.

Rare Da Vinci painting smashes world records with $450 million sale
–– Leonardo

Rubio criticizes Trump's mid-speech water-sipping form
–– Gives pointers lizard-to-lizard.

Biden: Hero Who Stopped Texas Shooter Was Wrong To Have A Gun
–– No, that gun, an assault rifle.

A legal analyst went on Fox News to say women lie about sexual assault—then she lost her job
–– Four months ago would've been been named Fox HR chief.

Orb-Weaving Spiders Have the Fastest Biological Clocks
–– Like hummingbirds on crack.

Trump deletes tweet that appeared to reference wrong mass shooting
–– In fairness, they do run together.

Princes Harry and William Play Stormtroopers in New 'Star Wars' Film
–– Prince Charles to appear as boulder.

‘Zombie’ star won't die, even after exploding
–– Norman Reedus shakes off TNT enema.

Kindergarteners With These Two Skills Are Twice as Likely to Get a College Degree, According to a 19 Year Study
–– Marksmanship

She led Trump to Christ: The rise of the televangelist who advises the White House
–– Christ wouldn’t answer door.

Jeff Sessions just threw a wet blanket on President Trump's Russia dossier conspiracy theory
–– One he used to sop up mattress.

Blasts Heard in Zimbabwe Capital as Army Splits With Mugabe
–– Situation pretty Harare.

Blake Shelton Named People's Sexiest Man Alive
–– By people who are horses.

Joe Jackson's odd message to Blanket
–– ‘Bundle up.’

Barbie Gets a Hijab
–– Ken gets explosive vest.

How one state could become the first with no abortion clinics
–– Not Alabama, not Tennessee…starts with a K…No, not Kansas…

Her husband overdosed on heroin inside their home – so Staten Island woman snorted the rest of the drugs to hide it from cops, and overdosed too
–– And the moral of the story?

Bodybuilder Rich Piana would reportedly snort pre-workout powder like it was cocaine before his death
–– Nostrils totally jacked.

Half of US adults have high blood pressure in new guidelines
–– Merck, Pfizer, Roche, Novartis send sympathies.

Protesters Jeer as Trump Team Promotes Coal at U.N. Climate Talks
–– Give them black eye, lung.

Donald Trump Has Nominated 480 People So Far in His Presidency. 80% of Them Are Men.
–– Barely.

Hate Crimes Rose About 5 Percent In 2016, FBI Report Says
–– At 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Trump sounds ignorant of history. But racist ideas often masquerade as ignorance.
–– On other hand, sometimes stupid’s just stupid.

Is Trump Being Manipulated By Putin? Former Intelligence Officials Say The President Fears Russian Leader
–– Or does he just like fist up there?

Top New York Times photog gets 'revenge' with unflattering Trump picture
–– aka ‘any picture of Trump’.

George Bush Snr 'groped 16-year-old girl' during 2003 photo op
–– Bottom feeler.

Bob Geldof hands back award in protest against Aung San Suu Kyi
–– She unsucessfully tries to find Boomtown Rats album to smash.

Trump Chooses Alex Azar for Health and Human Services Secretary
–– Eli Lilly-livered choice.

Michael Wright Named President of Epix
–– Even he said, ‘Where?’

Marc Maron Says Louis C.K. Lied to Him About Masturbation Claims
–– Jerked him around.

Box Office: With 'Daddy's Home 2,' Mel Gibson Is Once Again Family-Friendly
–– That one in The People Under the Stairs.

New Pacific trade deal could leave U.S. playing catchup
–– Trump: ‘I love catchup, especially on fries.’

Colin Kaepernick Named 2017 Citizen of the Year by GQ; Featured on Cover
–– Issue expected to fly off shelves in South.

Ex-ESPN reporter Britt McHenry says it’s ‘a joke’ GQ named Colin Kaepernick its ‘Citizen of the Year’ 
–– “More like ‘Comrade.’”

White House says Trump, Duterte 'briefly' discussed human rights but Philippine spokesman says they didn't
–– Trump: 'Human?', Duterte: 'Right. Right.'

Duterte warns military conflict with North Korea will ‘end humanity’
–– ‘Whatever that is.’

“You are the light" - Philippines' Duterte croons at Trump's request
–– “Like red dot on pusher's head, right before we shoot him dead."

Trump’s chief of staff: 'I do not follow the tweets'
–– 'So I can pretend I'm not a traitor to my country.'

Bannon appeals to US Jewish community to join war on GOP establishment
–– ‘C’mon, you hebes, get on board.’

Stephen Miller In Regular Contact With George Papadopoulos, As Were Other Top Trump Officials
–– Miller lide.

Trump Sarcastically Aggressive In New Tweet Calling Kim Jong Un With 'Short and Fat'
–– Called him with 'short and fat' what?

How Old Is Kim Jong Un? Trump Is More Than Twice the Age of His North Korean Nemesis
–– But emotionally twins.

Trump Is Cool With Putin Because He Thinks Russia Is In A 'Friendly Posture'
–– With exposed flanks sticking in air.

Donald Trump Tweets That Suggest He May Be Two Different People
–– Sharing half a brain.

Conservatives are more susceptible to believing lies — but not because they're stupid
–– Did they believe this one?

‘The Flash,' 'Supergirl' showrunner suspended amid sexual harassment claims
–– Flash says it all.

Famed NY gossip columnist Liz Smith dead at 94
–– Bury the lead.

Sex rarely causes hearts to stop, research says
–– When you're doing it wrong.

Queen Elizabeth hands over Remembrance Day duty to Prince Charles
–– WIll let him wear Burger King crown to state dinners next year.

Trump Says Putin ‘Means It’ About Not Meddling in U.S. Elections
–– And will hold breath if he asks him again.

India rounds up beggars ahead of Ivanka Trump's visit
–– Now she'll have to taunt government functionaries.


JUDGE ROY PEEN
Week of 11/10/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Roy Moore Is Fundraising Off Report He Pursued Relationships With Teens
–– Through Roys for Tots.

Why New Zealand wants to be predator-free
–– Same reason as Hollywood.

Roy Moore's brother to correspondent: He's being persecuted like Jesus
–– Jesús the pedophile in Alabama Dept. of Corrections.

Trump, Republicans Send ‘Incredibly Dangerous Message’ by Doubting Roy Moore’s Sex-Abuse Accuser
–– It’s supposed to seem dangerous to accusers.

Watch GOP Sen. Luther Strange accuse Roy Moore of being soft on pedophiles back in September
–– And hard on underaged.

Alabama state auditor says Roy Moore bombshell ‘much ado about very little’ — even if ‘completely true’
–– 'Weren't a blood relative. Which still ain't so bad.'

Internet destroys Breitbart for describing Roy Moore’s advances on underage girls as ‘being romantic’
–– Like Romeo and juvie yet.

Sean Hannity Targets Senate Candidate Roy Moore’s Accusers: ‘Do People Do It for Money?’
–– Yeah, why couldn’t he just pay for teen sex?

Louis C.K. Breaks Silence on Sexual Misconduct Claims: 'These Stories Are True, I Wielded Power Irresponsibly'
–– 'And my pud.'

Donald Trump’s Morning Routine: What He Does Every Single Day
–– Drops load, then hits john.

IS leader Baghdadi reported in Syrian town - Hezbollah media
–– On staycation.

Before Trump Meeting, Rodrigo Duterte Reveals He Was a Murderer at 16
–– Which some would take as encouraging.

Gorka on Trump's Asia trip: He's knocked it out of the park
–– 'Like an ICE agent with a nightstick on a Dreamer.'

McConnell to NYT: I 'misspoke' on tax increase for middle class in Senate plan
–– ‘I meant no tax increase fuh middle rich.’

Omarosa reportedly leaves her shoes 'all over' the White House
–– Under who’s bed?

Soccer star Hope Solo says ex-FIFA chief grabbed her inappropriately
–– Hard to imagine Sepp Blatter doing anything inappropriate.

Trump voters: We'd do it again
–– Referring to driving nail into head.

Why the church shooting hasn't changed rural Texans' minds about guns
–– Too small to fit new evidence.

Polish far-right march goes global, drawing people from afar
–– Pretty good likenesses of tiny Nazis.

Trump’s nominee to lead his environmental council isn't sure if water expands as it warms
–– Does demonstrate how Trump nominees shrink when exposed to light.

‘I Am Not a Scientist.' President Trump's Pick for Environmental Adviser Is Climate Change Skeptic
–– You are a science experiment.

Steve Bannon in Michigan: 'You can't fake Trump agenda'
–– ‘That’s like fake fake, a double negative.’

Steve Bannon Is On A Juice Cleanse And Avoiding Doritos To Prepare For 'Battles,' Book Says
–– Acai, kale, wheat germ, Scotch.

Bannon compares Moore accusations to coverage of Trump's 'Access Hollywood' tape
–– Both accurate reports of sex crimes.

Louis C.K. Crossed a Line Into Sexual Misconduct, 5 Women Say
–– O.C. missing from name.

Louis C.K. movie release halted following misconduct allegations
–– Yanked it.

Why men use masturbation to harass women
–– Stiff competition.

A Virginia bus driver's dark journey to Raqqa
–– No headlights?

Sean Parker Says Wealth Disparity Will Create a 'Class of Immortal Overlords'
–– He won't live to see the day.

Bill Clinton suggests Donald Trump is a member of 'the dictators club'
–– aka Herr Club for Men.

Are Mass Murderers Insane? Usually Not, Researchers Say
–– Then what does word even mean?

Why has Fox News abandoned Benghazi?
–– Efforts to revive dead horse for more beating failed.

Longtime bodyguard Keith Schiller reveals Russians offered Trump ‘five women’ for group sex
–– With own mops.

Massive Leak Reveals New Ties Between Trump Administration and Russia, Implicating Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross and Jared Kushner
–– Same five women.

Portia de Rossi claims Steven Seagal 'unzipped his leather pants' during audition
–– No Fire Down Below.

White House urged DHS secretary to end Honduran immigrants' protections
–– Including confiscation of condoms.

Red Square rendezvous: Visiting Lenin's body in Moscow
–– Get cold shoulder.

Pope Francis wants the faithful to lift hearts, not cell phones, during Mass
–– And no sectsting.

Self-driving bus involved in accident on its first day
–– Luckily ran over robot.

Second fatal crash this year involving Icon A5 flown by ex-pitcher Halladay
–– Twice with same pilot?

Trump blames Gillespie for loss in VA race: He 'did not embrace me'
–– Didn’t want to ruin suit.

Trump warns North Korea: 'Do not try us'
–– ‘Our court system will.’

Jared Kushner on Donald Trump's Election Night: ‘I Got an Idea, Let’s Call Drudge'
–– So they got Pence on phone.

Britney Spears Sold a Flower Painting for $10,000 to Benefit Las Vegas Shooting Victims
–– Hopefully, ones with bad eyes.

Syria Vows To Sign Paris Agreement, Leaving U.S. Alone In Climate Denial
–– Gassy bovines will sign before Trump.

Trump not invited to Paris climate summit next month
–– Would be like inviting Ted Nugent to Lilith Fair.

Zimbabwe: Ruling Party Youths Say Grace Mugabe Reputable, Untouchable
–– Voters shouldn't, with ten-foot pole.

Mother-of-five who encouraged terror attacks is spared jail
–– Sent home to little terrors punishment enough.

Fox News host: At least the Texas shooting victims got killed in church
–– Fitting, like you saying unbelievably stupid thing on Fox.

Rose McGowan Blasts Alec Baldwin As 'Baby Man' And 'Scum Bucket' In Weinstein Feud
–– Think she meant Baby Boss.

Mary Jo Buttafuoco: Amy Fisher, Who Shot Her in the Face as a Teen, Is ‘Kind of a Waste’
–– Why she was almost wasted.

Trump Bodyguard Sent on McDonald’s Runs Because White House Food Not Yummy Enough
–– McDonald’s runs is what Trump should get.

Police: Man snapped woman's neck, ripped her eyes out after she rejected his marriage proposal
–– Her instincts were good.

Crown Prince bin Salman 'bribed' Trump, Saudi Twitter whistleblower claims
–– Smoked Salman.

Meek Mill’s Lawyer Says Judge Showed ‘Enormous Bias’ in Sentencing
–– Put through mill.

Sean "Diddy" Combs Has Changed His Name Yet Again
–– Diddy?

‘Shameless’ star Ethan Cutkosky arrested for DUI in Los Angeles
–– Doing research.

Saudi prince killed in helicopter crash near Yemen border a day after royal purge
–– Sheikh down.

Weinstein Lawyer Repped NYT During Sexual Harassment Probe, "Secretly Worked to Stop" Story
–– Boies will be Boies.

Anthony Bourdain Slams Weinstein Conspirators: "You Are Beneath Whale S--t"
–– Which is delicacy in kinky igloos.

Audience Network Head Chris Long to Depart
–– Not for sexual harassment!

Sia Outwits Paparazzi by Leaking Nude Photo
–– Can you Sia…?

Paul Ryan Defends His Call For Prayers After Texas Mass Shooting: ‘Prayer Works’
–– Prayers to LaPierre.

Trump: Gun Control Would Have Left ‘Hundreds More Dead’ In Texas Church
–– Because killer could’ve holed up for years and picked off subsequent attendees.

Woman Fired For Flipping Off Donald Trump’s Motorcade
–– Finger fucked.

This Is the Haircare Line Used on Superheroes
–– The Green Hairnet.

BMW Recalls Roughly a Million Vehicles at Risk of Catching Fire
–– Like Reichstag in '33.

Flint Mayor, Ushered in to Fix Water Crisis, Now Faces Recall
–– Total washout.

Paul Ryan's latest line in the sand on Trump? Firing Mueller
–– Line in sand with tide rolling in.

Kaepernick could bring this team a Super Bowl
–– If he stole Vince Lombardi Trophy, drove it to Texas.

Trump to Kim: Returning abductees would be 'something very special'
–– Church Lady agrees.

New 'Fifty Shades Freed' Trailer Teases Dangerous Last Chapter
–– Could hurt self laughing.

Trump asks Japan to build cars in the U.S. It already does
–– Takes credit for plants opened in 1980s.

Trump Gets Visas For 70 Foreign Workers At Mar-a-Lago Despite 'Hire American' Pledge
–– Promises they’ll all swear they’re American to ICE.

Donald Trump's press secretary promotes 'tremendously successful' Trump Hotel during official briefing
–– In PSA.

Vin Scully: 'I will never watch another NFL game' due to protests
–– Dodger blew.

Fans reckon slurring Johnny Depp was 'drunk or high' on Graham Norton
–– Actor’s reps: ‘Johnny’s always been high on Graham –– he thinks the world of him.’

Donald Trump Jr. Told Russian Lawyer 'If We Come to Power' an Anti-Russia Law Would Be Reconsidered
–– Even he thought it was joke.

British Media Regulator Finds Fox News in Breach of Impartiality Rules
–– Didn't have to look far.

Dent: Trump team hires 'almost an embarrassment'
–– Team promises to strive for 'complete.'

Anti-Defamation League Blasts Larry David’s Concentration Camp ‘SNL’ Jokes: “Offensive, Insensitive & Unfunny”
–– Don't appreciate camp?

Trump: Texas shooting a mental health problem
–– Insane gun laws.

Trump Blames Texas Shooting on Shooter’s Mental Health: ‘This Isn’t a Guns Situation’
–– Maniac used brain waves to kill 26.

After Texas Massacre, The State's Attorney General Calls For More Guns At Church
–– Apparently disappointed with body count.

Nancy Friday, 84, Best-Selling Student of Gender Politics, Dies
–– TGIF.

Horror show just won't end for Macy's and Nordstrom
–– Zombie stores.

Trump’s approval rating hits historic low, Washington Post-ABC poll says
–– The Floorwalking Dead.

Warner: Papadopoulos 'had been on our screen for a long time'
–– ‘We haven’t switched from CNN for hours.’

Kevin Spacey is dropped from Dutch event over abuse claims
–– After tiptoeing through two lips.

Trump Kicks Off Native American Heritage Month By Reviving 'Pocahontas' Slur
–– He's definitely not red-faced.

What Do People Eat in North Korea? A Lot of Corn, Pizza and 'Man-Made Meat'
–– aka 'Kim Jr.'

Ivanka Trump's miniskirt is too short for Japan, says social media: 'Inappropriate!'
–– Can almost see Hirohito.

Papa Johns Tells Nazis 'Don't Buy Our Pizza' After Chain Is Claimed As Official Pie Of Alt-Right
–– Then announces sales blitz.

LA Times columnist faces backlash after comparing Sarah Huckabee Sanders to a 'chunky soccer mom'
–– Well, fat in the head.

Paul Manafort Offers Up Trump Tower Apartment In Bid To Get Off House Arrest
–– Suite deal.

Melania Trump is a vision in white wrap dress during visit to Pearl Harbor
–– Whora Whora Whora.

House GOP revises tax bill, makes it less generous to middle class
–– Redefines middle class as the 99.9%.

Trump makes unexpected stop before Asia trip
–– Hoping to get leid.

Donald Trump mocked by Hawaiians holding 'welcome to Kenya' signs
–– WH claims as proof 'President was right all along.'

Donald Trump's mother asked: 'What kind of son have I created?'
–– What kind of husband had you married?

Could Bernie Sanders have won a primary that wasn't 'rigged'? Um.
–– Hillary couldn’t win general election that was.

Lebanon’s Prime Minister resigns, plunging nation into new political crisis
–– This week's.

Police: Rand Paul assaulted in Bowling Green
–– Shocked nation: 'What took so long?'

Rand Paul's Pumpkin Patch, Lack of Respect For Neighborhood Rules, Possibly Led To Six Broken Ribs
–– Or maybe it was nasty Jack o' Lantern portrait.

George H.W. Bush labels Trump a 'blowhard' in new book
–– Suggests wind farm be erected on South Lawn.


THE RUSSIAN REVELATION
Week of 11/03/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump campaign aide met Russian officials in 2016
–– Carter paged.

Papadopoulos Repeatedly Represented Trump Campaign, Record Shows
–– In all its incompetence.

Vanilla Ice’s ‘Ice Ice Baby’ Honored by the Smithsonian (for Some Reason)
–– Because they couldn't find Kevin Federline's address to mail notification.

Trump expected to meet ‘Pen Pineapple Apple Pen’ singer Pikotaro in Japan
–– And receive Pineapple Apple Pen to sign agricultural reform executive order.

Brett Ratner Harassment Claims Turn Spotlight on Friendship With Warner Bros. CEO
–– Jack Warner would've been proud.

Richard Hambleton, ‘Shadowman’ of the ’80s Art Scene, Dies at 65
–– Shadow of former self.

Corey Feldman Names One of the Men Who Allegedly Assaulted Him in New Interview
–– During chat?

Trump Says He Has Little Memory of Papadopoulos Meeting
–– And no possible idea how to spell name.

Pope paves the way for married men to become Catholic priests
–– Altar boys breathe sigh of relief.

'I'm The Only One That Matters,' Trump Says Of State Dept. Job Vacancies
–– ‘And nobody’s more vacant.’

Poll: Nearly Half Of Americans Believe Trump Likely Committed A Crime Linked To Russia
–– Other half not paying attention.

Bin Laden played video games like Counter-Strike and Super Mario Bros.
–– And The Legend of Zealot.

Osama bin Laden's hatred of West developed after visiting Shakespeare's birthplace
–– No holds Bard.

The world will never see Osama bin Laden’s huge stash of porn
–– Rumored to include Debbie Does Riyadh, Behind the Green Zone & Abbotobad Girls starring Johhny Fatwad.

Jake Tapper Unloads On 'Sick' And 'Disgusting' Fox News In Blistering Takedown
–– Wired Tapper.

Former Trump Aide: Mueller Investigation “Will Not” Exonerate Trump
–– No matter how much he offers to pay them.

Did Russia make this ship disappear?
–– USS State?

Puerto Rico's leaders don't know who has power. We tried to find out
–– Don’t they?

Trump slams Bergdahl decision: 'Complete and total disgrace'
–– ‘Like me.’

U.S. Report Says Humans Cause Climate Change, Contradicting Top Trump Officials
–– Science still out on how red faces should be.

Twitter: Employee briefly shut down Trump's account on last day of work
–– Considered for Congressional Medal of Honor.

Donald Trump laments he's 'not supposed' to influence DOJ, FBI
–– At least he has vague idea it's illegal.

Scientists discover mysterious 'void' in Great Pyramid of Giza
–– Where grain used to be.

Melania Trump to be protected by special all-female Japanese police squad
–– In latest Tarantino flick.

Defected North Korean diplomat: I was 'a modern slave'
–– Defecated?

Sanders explains tax plan with beer anecdote
–– Falls flat.

Tyrese Gibson Threatens to Quit ‘Fast 9’ if Dwayne Johnson Returns
–– Wants to get Rock off.

Trump pick Sam Clovis blasted schools for 'indoctrinating' students with ideas like 'environmentalism' and 'racism'
–– And 'occasional salads', 'stop talking crazy', 'zip up your fly'.

Trump’s pick for USDA chief scientist withdraws
–– Cow-like Clovis put out to pasture.

Rick Perry claims fossil fuels can help prevent sexual assault
–– If you line underwear with coal.

Kevin Spacey to Seek "Evaluation and Treatment" in Wake of Sexual Assault Claim
–– Diagnosis: "scumbag", prescription: "jail time".

‘House of Cards' made Netflix a powerhouse. What now?
–– Nutflex.

Netflix Mulling 'House of Cards' Spinoffs
–– Ace Holes, King of Queens.

Trump calls for death penalty in NYC truck attack
–– Wants suspect torn apart by Ram pickups.

Trump Court Pick Rated 'Not Qualified' Sits Through Humiliating Senate Hearing
–– In preparation for mortifying career on bench.

Trump’s NASA Pick Skewered For Climate Change Denial, Divisive Past At Hearing
–– Dumb as moon rock.

‘Great British Bake Off' judge Prue Leith spoils finale
–– Leith likely to secede.

Trump Argues His Sexual Assault Denial Is "Political Speech" Outside Reach of Defamation Law
–– Makes sense when you consider every political statement is essentially "Fuck you."

New York terror suspect planned attack for weeks, police say
–– Took moron days to figure out how to get from Paterson to lower Manhattan.

Uber: New York truck attack suspect passed background check
–– Driven crazy.

Six women accuse filmmaker Brett Ratner of sexual harassment or misconduct
–– Six million of being lousy director.

More Allegations of Sexual Misconduct Surface Against Kevin Spacey
–– The Usable Suspects.

Today’s the last day to get your boarding pass to Mars
–– Not far enough from Trump.

Amazon wants you to shop for Black Friday in augmented reality
–– With imaginary credit.

Kim Jong Un and wife appear on state media
–– In latest episode of Desperate Housewife.

Trump didn't dismiss idea when foreign policy adviser suggested setting up Putin meeting
–– Was mentally weighing which tie, cologne he’d wear to impress him.

Trump can hardly remember meeting Papadopoulos
–– Heard PapaJohnpoulos, daydreamed of pizza.

Papa John's says NFL protests are hurting sales
–– So there’s one positive.

Trump labels US justice system 'laughing stock'
–– Prefers Saudi-style beheadings for fake news peddlers.

Top NPR editor resigns amid allegations of harassment
–– They really are considering all things.

Showtime Says 'The Affair' Actress Shouldn't Complain About Being Called a "Sexytime Double"
–– Which sounds like sake bar cocktail.

White House says Trump will not visit DMZ
–– Afraid Harvey Levin might ask tough question.

Wendy Williams Faints on Halloween Show
–– One look in mirror of self as Lady Liberty did it.

How the world potty trains
–– Who gives a shit?

Adam Sandler blasted after repeatedly touching Claire Foy's knee
–– Happy Gropemore.

Ann Coulter Thinks Sexual Harassment Allegations Against Harvey Weinstein Are a ‘Lot of Fun’
–– As she pulls wings off butterflies.

Ivanka Trump Admits She 'Doesn't Understand How Birthdays Work' After Ignoring Tiffany's
–– Keeps setting cakes on fire, eating candles.

Newt Gingrich Is Outraged Paul Manafort Was Woken Up In His Pajamas
–– He leant them?

Mueller’s Investigation Won’t Shake Trump’s Base
–– Mullosks can’t read.

Andy Dick Fired From Movie Over Sexual Harassment Claims
–– Handsy dick.

Arrest Warrant Issued for Rose McGowan in Connection to Drug Charge
–– High on pity.

Facebook estimates 126 million people were served content from Russia-linked pages
–– Or 1/4 that oohed over puppies.

Kelly: 'Lack of an ability to compromise' led to Civil War
–– North could’ve at least allowed day slaves.

Trump Chief of Staff John Kelly calls Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee an 'honorable man'
–– 'Traitors can be. Right, Mr. President?'

Kelly says he'll 'never' apologize for comments about Rep. Frederica Wilson
–– On General principle.

Google CEO addresses hamburger emoji debate
–– What happens when Japanese flip your cheeseburger.

Japanese man arrested after body parts found in cooler
–– Cheese underneath meat.

Tony Podesta stepping down from lobbying giant amid Mueller probe
–– Podestrian x-ing.

Jam Master Jay remembered on 15th anniversary of his murder
–– By fans of lame handles.

Kevin Spacey criticized for how he came out
–– To 14-year-old he was accused of molesting?

Danish inventor admits dismembering journalist Kim Wall but denies murder
–– Demoed Wall.

Mom uses Halloween costumes to help 3-year-old embrace her arm amputation
–– With other arm?

Trump comes ahead with fresh criticism of Russia inquiry
–– And acropper.

Trump Ignored His Kids Until They Entered College, Ivana Says
–– Lucky bastards.

Trump Assails 'Phony Witch Hunt' Ahead Of Possible Indictment In Russia Probe
–– Right: charge it’s ‘Witch Hunt’ is ‘phony’.

A seven-year-old baseball fan with a 3D-printed hand is throwing out the first pitch of World Series Game 4
–– And threw better than anyone else in 13-12 debacle.

Donald Trump Concedes He's 'Not At All Presidential' As He Slams Michael Moore Play
–– Except in Idi Amin sense.

Controversial Congressman Touts Iowa 'Peasant Hunt' With Donald Trump Jr.
–– It’s good to be King.

Paul Manafort: Trump former campaign manager ‘not aware’ of possible criminal charges against him
–– Really hitting bottle since raid on house.

Paul Manafort turns himself in as Trump-Russia inquiry heats up
–– Not sure he can Manafford $10 mil bail.

$934K at a rug store. How the feds say Manafort spent lavishly
–– Thought that was his own hair.

The new Japan Taxi from Toyota wants to be an international icon
–– Chances fare to middling.

Andy Cohen Calls Kathy Griffin’s Accusations of Drug Use ‘100% False’
–– ‘Is she high? On my stash?’

Jared Kushner Doesn’t Read, Calls His Father Daddy, Former Employee Says
–– Calls Trump Mommy.

Kushner took unannounced trip to Saudi Arabia
–– Thought plane was on way to Vail.

Twitter suspends account of Trump ally Roger Stone
–– Dropped like one.

Chelsea Handler Earns First No. 1 on Top TV Personalities Social Media Ranking
–– Out of gratitude for quitting show.

Astros first baseman Yuli Gurriel made a racist gesture after World Series home run off Yu Darvish
–– Whirling Darvish.

Barack Obama called for jury duty in Illinois
–– If only current President called for witness stand.

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