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Headliners
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JUMPING TO COLLUSIONS
Week of 10/27/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

First charges filed in Mueller investigation
–– Stakes raised in witch hunt.

Paul Newman Rolex Sells at Auction for Record $17.8 Million
–– Has cool hand, Luke.

Mexico loses tuna trade battle to Trump administration
–– Lo siento, Charlie.

White House reiterates Trump's claims that his sexual harassment accusers lied
–– No, they’re still standing.

Texans Owner Bob McNair on Protests: 'We Can't Have Inmates Running the Prison'
–– Insisted, 'What we have here is failure to communicate.'

Aaron Rodgers says Anthony Barr gave him finger after hit
–– Felt good, but didn’t make him forget pain.

Richard Spencer was reject by Poland's right-wing government for being too racist
–– And dumber than average Polish joke.

Jann Wenner's 'Sticky Fingers': 10 Things We Learned About the 'Rolling Stone' Founder
–– 8. Changed name from Jannn.

Mysterious object from deep space has entered the solar system
–– Caught Trump news conference, turned around, went back.

John Lewis' birthday gift for Hillary Clinton was a glimpse of what could have been
–– If she’s slept with him.

Clinton campaign, DNC helped fund dossier research
–– With liquid assets.

Yes, Democrats Funded The Steele Dossier. The Question Is Whether They Got The Goods.
–– Results golden.

Ex-Fox Host Eric Bolling Urges Opioid Fight As Son’s Death Deemed Accidental
–– Mixing cocaine, marijuana, Xanax, fentanyl a big oops.

Hillary Clinton 'Sex Tape' Was Made By Russian Trolls
–– One with pointy ears, rainbow hair, purple nose played her.

Cruz Hopes JFK Files Will End "Ludicrous" Trump Claim
–– And inspire "merely absurd" ones.

The JFK files reveal the US government considered paying Cubans two cents to assassinate Castro
–– Trump: "I always said Cruz's dad was penny ante.''

America’s big issue is 'black Africans' killing each other, Sebastian Gorka says
–– If only Afrikaners came over in slave ships.

Sebastian Gorka suggests Hillary Clinton should be tried for treason, executed over Uranium One deal
–– Can't Peter Theil shut down this Gorka?

Stephen Colbert Struggles to Defend "Groper" George H.W. Bush: "Who’s Next? Colonel Sanders?"
–– That chickenhawk.

J.F.K. Files, Though Incomplete, Are a Treasure Trove for Answer Seekers
–– If question's ‘Hunh?’

Weinstein Sues Weinstein Company, Demanding Access to Records
–– Promises part in his trial if they put out.

Yes, Oysters Can ‘Hear.’ They Probably Wish We’d Clam Up.
–– Unless we have pearls of wisdom.

A Turkey-Sized Dinosaur With a Raccoon-Like Bandit Mask
–– Is pretty good description of Jeff Sessions.

Under Obama, Christians Were Treated Like People In Nazi Germany, Claimed Trump Judicial Nominee
–– Right, the Gestapo.

Donald Trump says soldier’s widow must be wrong because he has 'one of the great memories of all time'
–– Sadly, so do we.

New findings have physicists questioning reality
–– See above.

Donald Trump 'has personality disorder', says former Republican senator Tom Coburn
–– Cluster B fuck.

Trump Blames Generals for Niger Ambush That Got Four U.S. Soldiers Killed
–– Threw under the bush.

Kellogg’s Changing Corn Pops Box After Its Design Was Branded Racist on Social Media
–– There was kernel of truth.

Dolly Parton Reveals Her Mother Once Sewed Her Toes Back on With the Same Needle She 'Used to Make Quilts and Stuff'
–– ‘Same time she attached these here dirty pillows.’

Brexit is the ‘stupidest thing any country has done’ apart from elect Donald Trump, says Michael Bloomberg
–– Whoa, how about

Trump Is Hardest Working President Since WW2, Say Republicans
–– And they do mean Hitler.

Joe Girardi, Yankees Part Ways After 10 Seasons
–– Shooless Joe.

George H.W. Bush Accused of Touching Actress From Behind
–– Could've been looking for own ass.

George HW Bush apologizes after 'sexual assault' allegation
–– At 93 you get quote marks?

Second Actress Says George H.W. Bush Touched Her, Told ‘Cop-A-Feel’ Joke
–– What the Dickens?

Multiple Women Accuse Veteran Journalist Mark Halperin Of Sexual Harassment
–– Game change.

Europe’s first underwater restaurant to open in Norway
–– You can catch own lutefisk.

US Ambassador Scott Brown under investigation for comments in Samoa
–– Kept asking, ‘Where are melty marshmallow, chocolate and graham cracker treats?’

Gloria Allred Calls on Weinstein Co. to Set Up Fund for Harvey Victims
–– Which storm?

Bill O'Reilly Says He's 'Mad at God' for Lack of Protection Amid Sexual Harassment Allegations
–– God flips bird.

Eric Bolling: Bill O’Reilly’s Comments About His Dead Son Are ‘Beyond Inappropriate’
–– Or 'exactly what you'd expect.'

Bob Corker: Donald Trump's Legacy Will Be The 'Debasement Of Our Nation'
–– Expected to anchor Debase the Nation.

Trump says he did know Sgt. Johnson's name because it was on 'a chart' in front of him
–– The one after ‘White’, marked ‘Other’.

This Republican senator doesn't think it's his job to say when Trump is lying
–– 'There aren't enough hours in the day.'

Anna Faris Explains Why Threesomes Sound Better Than They Actually Are
–– Doesn't like being tri-humped.

Meet the Beijing-Born Starchitect Putting His Stamp on L.A.
–– What shititor came up with that?

CBS Finally Names New 'Evening News' Anchor in Jeff Glor
–– Glor-y be!

‘Stranger Things' and Lyft Team Up for Halloween Paranormal Rides
–– If you want to arrive upside down.

James Murdoch Claims $32M O'Reilly Settlement Was "News to Me"
–– Which explains quality of Fox reporting.

NAACP warns black passengers about traveling with American Airlines
–– Take knee on tarmac.

Queen Elizabeth II has earned over $8 million in horse racing prize money
–– And, boy, is she saddle sore.

Fats Domino dead at 89, medical examiner's office says
–– Read his will on Blueberry Hill.

Dietl Ad: Mayor de Blasio ‘Turned His Back on Dead Cops’
–– Bo ho.

Roy Moore Says Gay Marriage Ruling Is 'Even Worse' Than 1857 Pro-Slavery Decision
–– Dread Scott and Todd.

Protester throws Russian flags at President Donald Trump before Capitol Hill lunch
–– Why not damp sheets?

GOP senator brings popcorn to lunch with Trump and Corker
–– For inhumane event.

Joe Lewis, Head of Comedy and Drama at Amazon Studios, Is Out
–– After producing neither.

China Enshrines ‘Xi Jinping Thought.’ What Does That Mean?
–– ‘You've no idea.’

Terry Richardson Banned From Working With Conde Nast Publications Including Vogue, GQ
–– Eff-stop.

Anna Faris Recalls Director's Sexual Harassment: "He Slapped My Ass in Front of the Crew"
–– "He brayed.'

Kathy Griffin: Anderson Cooper a 'spineless heiress'
–– Her life on the delist.

James Comey confirms he's 'Reinhold Niebuhr' in the strangest possible way
–– More like 'Nutbar.'

ESPN Cancels 'Barstool Van Talk' After One Week
–– Bar stool.

MLS: Philadelphia Union hires Chief Tattoo Officer to ink players
–– To new contracts?

Anti-Putin Activist Bill Browder Says He’s Been Barred From Entering U.S.
–– Trump administration casts wide nyet.

Mitch McConnell says he still trusts President Trump, despite past scuffles
–– Reliable like cancer.

Scott Pruitt and EPA Accused of Scientific Censorship After Pulling Climate Researchers From Conference
–– Instead offer to fund study of Noah's Ark.

Damon, Clooney say they never saw Weinstein's 'darkness,' vow to fight sexual misconduct
–– Even when they were kissing ass.

Gold Star widow breaks her silence, says Trump couldn't remember husband's name and said 'he knew what he signed up for'
–– Added that he earned Gold Star for attendance.

Why the Athletic Wants to Pillage Newspapers
–– Jocks strapped.

McCain hits Trump where it hurts, attacking ‘bone spur’ deferments in Vietnam
–– Allowed him to ankle.

Report: Bill O’Reilly settled sexual harassment claim from Fox News contributor for $32 million
–– That should've bought a lot of sexts.

'This is crap, and you know it': Bill O'Reilly rants at New York Times reporters who exposed sexual harassment allegations against him
–– Extremely expensive crap.

Bill O'Reilly portrays himself as the victim in interview with New York Times
–– Constant rejection of creepy advances damaged self-esteem.

Megyn Kelly Uses NBC Perch to Attack Bill O’Reilly, Her Ex-Fox Colleague
–– Sqawking about spilling his seed.

Steve Bannon: George W. Bush's Presidency Was the Most 'Destructive' in U.S. History
–– But Trump rapidly gaining on him.

North Korean peak suffering from 'tired mountain syndrome' after repeated nuclear tests
–– Kim prescribes horn of rhino aphrodisiac.

Director Rob Reiner warns of 'more Harvey Weinsteins in Hollywood'
–– ‘It’s a pretty common name.’

Did Satan Create Catholicism? Trump-Supporting Pastor Robert Jeffress Thinks So
–– Does Pope sacrifice small animals in the woods?

Tom Hanks Says Trump's Comment To Soldier's Widow Was 'One Of The Biggest Cock-Ups On Earth'
–– Which Trump took as compliment.

Strudel The Obese Dog's Fitness Journey Is Nothing Short Of Inspiring
–– Made it to food bowl, back to pillow.

Cub Scout kicked out after asking lawmaker about gun control
–– Merit badge

Trump family breaks with presidential pet tradition
–– Eats strays.

‘Trump’ football sign called racist
–– Any sign with his name would be.

Rose McGowan Vaults Into Top 10 of Top Actors Social Media Ranking
–– For work as The Victim.

Pixar’s ‘Coco’ Moves Morelia to Tears
–– Coco loco.

Dozens of Women Accuse Director James Toback of Sexual Harassment
–– As Producer-Erector.

James Toback Responds to Sexual Harassment Allegations in Bizarre, Combative Interview
–– Wacky Tobacky.

Tom Hanks: 'If you're concerned about what's going on today, read history'
–– Forrest Gump: Conscience of a Nation.

3.5 million fewer Americans have health insurance since Trump became president
–– Insurance pool replaced by dead pool.

Five ex-Presidents attend hurricane relief concert; Trump appears in video message
–– Can’t decide which one he hates most.

Al Gore Addresses Trump’s Climate Stance at Morelia: ‘I Thought There Was a Chance He Would Come to His Senses’
–– Were you huffing pure ozone?

Thieves ram U-Haul into Louis Vuitton store in $150,000 smash-and-grab
–– Everyone left holding the bag.

Finn Wolfhard Leaves Agency After Sexual Assault Allegations
–– Have heard stranger things.

Donald Trump being subjected to most 'ruthless attack on a president in US history', claims NRA
–– Yeah, like with rhetorical AK47s.


KELLY CON WAY
Week of 10/20/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

Kelly says he was 'stunned' by congresswoman's account of Trump's call
–– Hearing his words repeated back is jaw-dropping.

Deficit for 2017 hits $666 billion
–– Satan approves.

White House: It's 'Highly Inappropriate' For Journalists To Criticize A General
–– Brass bawls.

Blade Runner Star Sean Young Accuses Harvey Weinstein of Sexual Harassment: He Pulled His 'You-Know-What Out of His Pants'
–– Oscar?

The Most Shocking Things President Trump Believes About Money
–– 3. Goes great with ranch dressing.

John Kelly Is Sad Women Are No Longer 'Sacred.' Women Are Not That Sad.
–– Think he meant ‘scared.’

Kim Jong Un Sips Hennessy While the North Korean People Starve
–– Hey, haters, be grateful he's not gulping!

34 pot farms have burned down in California wildfires
–– Industry takes a hit.

'Geostorm': What the Critics Are Saying
–– Once they stop laughing.

Blindsided Trump officials scrambling to develop opioid plan
–– Blind only side they have.

Tom Price's wife asked about quarantining people with HIV
–– Trump considers nominating her for new Health Secretary.

John Kelly Just Praised This Movie For Its Depiction of How the Military Handles Death
–– World War Z.

Woman heartbroken after discovering her dog wasn’t euthanised for five months after she bid 'final' farewell
–– Time away from her was happiest he ever had.

Woman gets hospitalized for a broken heart after her dog dies
–– At St. Bernard's.

Stewardess claims first-class passengers pay flight attendants for sex
–– Bag of nuts extra.

Congresswoman says Trump told widow of fallen soldier 'he knew what he signed up for'
–– Reading from life insurance policy.

Trump 'didn't even know fallen US soldier's name' when he called grieving widow, congresswoman claims
–– Thought ‘the colored one’ was sufficient.

Rep. Frederica Wilson on Trump: ‘That Is Not What You Say to a Grieving Widow’
–– Unless she'd never vote for you in million years.

Trump calls Rep. Wilson 'wacky' in ongoing feud about call to military widow
–– 'Can you believe that thing on her head? People must make fun of that!'

After being assailed by Kelly, Rep. Wilson says White House full of 'white supremacists'
–– Trump: 'Full? We've got 100 fewer people on staff than Obama!'

Donald Trump Insisted He Owns A Renoir That's Hung In Chicago Museum Since 1933
–– Pronounced Re-noyer.

Amber Tamblyn Says She Believes Woman Who Accused Husband David Cross Of Racist Remarks
–– Shares Cross words.

What Does 'Empty Barrel' Mean and Where Does It Come From?
–– Has familiar echo.

Sen.: Benghazi, Niger comparisons make me sick
–– Says Inhofe, human papillomavirus.

Where is the leader of ISIS?
–– Canyon Ranch, Kirkuk.

Quentin Tarantino on Harvey Weinstein: ‘I Knew Enough to Do More Than I Did’
–– Gulp! fiction.

‘Loud House’ Showrunner Chris Savino Fired From Nickelodeon for Sexual Harassment Allegations
–– Lout house.

In attempt to sow fear, Russian trolls paid for self-defense classes for African Americans
–– Fear in who exactly?

George W. Bush: Bigotry and white supremacy are 'blasphemy' against the American creed
–– As any idiot can tell you.

Chelsea Handler Announces She's Ending Her Netflix Talk Show to 'Elect More Women to Public Office'
–– And on humanitarian grounds.

Restaurant owner proudly defends serving Popeye's chicken on her menu
–– Fried in Olive Oyl.

Elon Musk's Boring company readies its second, poetic tunnel digger
–– Even drills are dull.

Trump Uffered Military Father $25K, Didn't Follow Through
–– Sounds like uffer nonsense.

William Patrick Corgan says he saw a human transform into something else
–– Absolutely smashing pumpkin.

Foods Melania Trump Might Have Eaten While Growing Up
–– What keeps you thin, stupid?

Channing Tatum Pulls Sexual Abuse Film From The Harvey Weinstein Company
–– Like giving Pinocchio yank at Disney.

British Film Institute strips Harvey Weinstein of fellowship
–– After he stripped, asked for massage.

SeaWorld is laying off 350 workers as attendance wanes
–– Feeding most to orcas.

New study suggests insect populations have declined by 75% over 3 decades
–– Buzzed off.

Trump promised $25,000 to a grieving military father in a phone call. The check hasn’t arrived.
–– Did mail Trump U hoodie.

Trump’s Condolence Call to Soldier’s Widow Ignites an Imbroglio
–– Imbroglio expected to burn for several days.

Tiffany Trump shares optical illusion photo that gives her legs for days
–– Arms for nights.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders says Americans will 'be begging for four more years of President Trump'
–– 'From’ not ‘for'.

Trump’s tweet on Lamar Alexander 'pretty much' kills the effort: Sen. Kennedy
–– Even dead Teddy knows it.

Trump was given an official statement of condolence for the US soldiers killed in Niger but never delivered it
–– Was afraid of mispronouncing place name.

Woman Claims Delta Stopped Her From Singing National Anthem For Slain Soldier
–– His family had suffered enough.

John Kelly is Disgusted By The Way His Son's Death Has Been Politicized, White House Says
–– Prefers when its exploited to provide cover for sociopath trying to console.

GOP Lawmaker Says Emergency Rooms Should Be Able To Turn People Away
–– Reversing law signed by bleeding heart Reagan in ’86.

Harvard Rescinds Harvey Weinstein's Du Bois Medal
–– And Wallbanger renamed Harry.

Trix with artificial flavors is coming back after customer complaints
–– They missed discolored tongues, elevated risk of cancer.

Billy Joel expecting third child
–– At 68 he’ll soon have legitimate excuse for being absent parent.

Male Director Accuses Weinstein of Forcing Him Off a Movie for Refusing to Cast a More 'F*ckable' Actress
–– Was boner of contention.

Branson: I met Trump once, and all he talked about was destroying people who wouldn't help his bankrupt firm
–– Guess that was all of us.

Roy Moore claims "it's against the law" for players to kneel during national anthem
–– Twice Chief Justice of Alabama Supreme Court.

Mother of dead soldier confirms Trump 'disrespected' widow in phone call
–– He disrespects entire nation every day.

Harvey Weinstein in Cannes: Why the King of the Croisette Was Called "The Pig"
–– His taste for porc aux champignons?

‘The Snowman’ Director Says They Didn’t Get to Shoot 10-15% of the Script
–– So you’ll be spared that.

E! Finally Retires 'Fashion Police'
–– No more cuffs, collars.

Karlie Kloss Has a New TV Show Coming Soon
–– Kloss, but no cigar.

Tina Turner Bio-Musical Finds Its Star
–– Made entirely from recycled materials.

Here’s the real reason Gregg Popovich hates Donald Trump so much
–– Simple sanity.

Market strategist Marc Faber under fire for racist remarks
–– Not for black market.

Putin’s 'chef,' the man behind the troll factory
–– Spam his specialty.

The Han Solo movie has a title — Solo
–– Hans-free.

Marilyn Manson was in 'excruciating pain' after stage accident
–– Like audience during previous number.

Cher Joins ‘Mamma Mia!’ Sequel ‘Here We Go Again’
–– Sponsored by adult diapers.

Man Rescued from Taliban Didn't Believe Donald Trump Was President
–– Of Hair Club, maybe.

Trump Says Las Vegas Shooters Brain Was Wired Up Extremely Badly: Autopsy Literally Just Showed This Wasn’t True
–– Should mind own business.

Carrie Fisher once sent a cow tongue to a sexually inappropriate Hollywood producer
–– Wasn't worth a lick.

Trump falsely says Obama did not call families of dead soldiers
–– 'And promised to send money, but didn't.'

Trump Reportedly Promised A Gold Star Father $25,000, But Never Sent The Money
–– 'But I promised way more than Obama!'

Why is FCC chair silent on Trump's TV threat?
–– Chair sits it out.

Mudd: Trump 'has the empathy of a cockroach'
–– No, even cockroach can't identify with him.

Anthony Michael Hall Sentenced to Three Years' Probation for Assault
–– And community service cleaning up after Breakfast Club.

Harvey Weinstein Reportedly Forced Felicity Huffman To Wear His Wife's Dresses On The Red Carpet
–– Even though they were different sizes!

Plague outbreak leaves 57 dead, more than 680 infected in Madagascar
–– May inspire bleakest cartoon sequel ever.

Trump claims he and McConnell are 'closer than ever before'
–– ‘When I bend over naked you can see him peeking out like a turtle.’

Is the Slasher Movie Dying?
–– Death by thousand cuts.

DC Reviving Hanna-Barbera's 'Snagglepuss' as Gay Playwright
–– With that name, hopefully female one.

Ancient Roman theater unearthed next to Jerusalem's Western Wall
–– Hebrew Slaves! the Musical still on marquee.

Game of Thrones Actor Roy Dotrice Dead at 94
–– 70+-year career reduced to 2 episode walk-on.

Larry Flynt offers $10 million if you have information that'll impeach Trump
–– Here's clip of him firing Comey –– pay up.

Women Shouldn't Have the Right to Vote, Says ‘Alt-Right’ Leader Richard Spencer
–– Not Alt-Right in head.

Trump Ally Says President Cut Off Obamacare Payments To Destroy Health Law
–– Ohhhh, now we get it.

Woody Allen: You Don’t Want a Hollywood ‘Witch Hunt’ in Wake of Harvey Weinstein Scandal
–– At least not for allegations of under-aged witches.

Trump Fails to 'Castrate' Secretary of State: 'I'm Fully Intact' Rex Tillerson Retorts
–– Sex Thrillerson is porn handle.

Trump Reportedly Joked That Pence 'Wants To Hang' All Gays
–– Opening his lynch mob comedy set.

Michele Bachmann Offers Her Thoughts On Donald Trump Being A 'Man Of Faith'
–– He’s deeply committed to Baal.

The little red pill being pushed on the elderly
–– Cyanide?

FCC commissioner on Trump's media threats: 'History won't be kind to silence'
–– So I hear.

Rouhani to Trump: Re-read your history books
–– Re-read?!!

Tillerson on North Korea: Diplomacy will continue 'until the first bomb drops'
–– Or ‘until next week.’

Two simple ways to lower odds of stillbirth
–– Condom, IUD.

Joe Jonas engaged to 'Game of Thrones' star
–– To tie knot with Mountain at private ceremony.

Colin Firth feels 'shame' for failing to act on co-star's alleged Harvey Weinstein encounter
–– And for appearing in Bridget Jones’s Baby.

‘I am ready’: Mata Hari faced a firing squad for spying — and refused a blindfold.
–– Last act: winking seductively at second shooter on right.

If You Think Your Job Is Hard, Imagine Being Apple's Head Of Diversity This Week
–– She has four non-white workers to deal with.

North Korea labels Trump a ‘strangler of peace’
–– Latest mistranslated slang for masturbator (supposed to be ‘piece.’)

Power Lawyer Lisa Bloom Says She Made a ‘Colossal Mistake’ in Representing Harvey Weinstein
–– She also thought he was Harvey Fierstein.

Jimmy Fallon Says Making Fun Of Trump Is 'Just Not What I Do'
–– He’s Muss See TV.

Sexual Harassment Does Not Happen in Russia Because of Vladimir Putin, Pageant Queens Say
–– “Because he calls it ‘bear hugging'.”

Don’t Worry About War with North Korea — Venezuela Is the Real Problem
–– Developing missile to launch loaded arepas into Texas.

Hillary Clinton: Maybe I should have just called Donald Trump out as a creep
–– If I wanted to lose more states.

Man who sucker-punched 62-year-old fan at NFL game says he felt threatened
–– Feared he'd collapse on him in bottom of inning.

Woman at Las Vegas shooting loses California home to wildfires
–– Figures it's time to buy Lotto ticket.

Acting EPA science adviser retiring
–– Because withTrump, he knew he was just acting.

Sarah Polley Calls Weinstein "One Festering Pustule in a Diseased Industry"
–– Blistering criticism.

Coldplay Rocker Chris Martin Debuts Original Song About Julia Roberts' Famous Smile
–– Will make listeners grit teeth.

Alex Rodriguez Says PED Suspension Cost Him His Reputation, More Than $40M
–– Rep was valued at 40 cents.


PRESIDENT WHINESTEIN
Week of 10/13/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Donald Trump “Not At All Surprised” About Harvey Weinstein Sexual Assault Allegations
–– “It's the one thing we could agree on.”

Obesity among all US adults reaches all-time high
–– Especially in heads.

Fraud Scandals Sap China’s Dream of Becoming a Science Superpower
–– Chinese checkers.

Linkin Park's 'Carpool Karaoke' episode airs
–– More ‘Deadpool Karaoke.’

Trump says he spoke to US Virgin Islands' 'president' -- which is him
–– Asked self if he could be President of Virgins.

Trump’s goals for decertifying Iran deal remain a mystery
–– Like trying to explain dog chasing tail.

Rep. Dent: Republicans own Obamacare now
–– And they’re sure to break it.

After Twitter suspension, Rose McGowan says: 'HW raped me'
–– Does writing ‘HW’ let her keep $100,000?

Jane Fonda Thrilled Harvey Weinstein Branded But “We Have A President Who Does These Things”
–– Referring to Bar-T seared into Jeff Sessions' haunch.

Lindsey Graham Promises That Donald Trump Really Did Shoot A 73, Or Maybe A 74, He Swears
–– On front 9.

Mystery surrounding ancient Easter Island people deepens
–– As stone figures sink.

Samsung forecasts a strong quarter on the same day its CEO resigns citing "unprecedented crisis"
–– Stronger because ‘Mr. Negativity’ is gone.

U.S. actor Seagal meets 'The Punisher' Duterte, talks drug war
–– Teaches how to kick women below belt.

How Men Can Make Sexual Harassment Unacceptable
–– Because it’s too acceptable?

Tom Hanks Doesn't Buy Harvey Weinstein's Response to Sexual Assault Allegations: I Grew Up in the '60s and '70s Too
–– Yeah, but in Mayberry.

Donald Trump will be the first sitting president to address a hate group's annual summit
–– State of the Union in front of Congress?

Trump reportedly 'threw a fit' when Mattis and Tillerson told him to keep the US in the Iran deal
–– In current slang for ‘acted Presidential.’

Harvey Weinstein under investigation by Scotland Yard over London sex assault claim
–– Oral sex charges deemed ‘alimentary, my Dear Watson.’

Quentin Tarantino breaks silence on longtime partner Harvey Weinstein
–– Plump fiction.

Did Donald Trump Just Compare the NFL to Inner City Gang Violence in Chicago?
–– And refer to Bears as Thugs?

Energy drinks cost new father part of his skull, brain
–– Manufacturers call Red Bull on that.

Californian couple survived in a pool for six hours as wildfire destroyed everything around them
–– Blood boiled.

Oliver Stone Accused of Groping TV Actress in Early 1990s
–– Blames it on Second Groper.

Jackie Chan Wants to Win a Best Actor Oscar
–– I want to be King of France.

Trump to Scrap Critical Health Care Subsidies, Hitting Obamacare Again
–– Because lost insurance is going to hurt legislation not people.

Marijuana farms are burning in California wildfires
–– Firefighters tell flames 'just chill'.

Kate Beckinsale Details Harvey Weinstein Encounter: ‘He Couldn’t Remember If He Had Assaulted Me’
–– Which in sick way has gotta be insulting.

Trump reportedly didn't know about the loophole in the 25th Amendment that lets 14 people remove a sitting president from office
–– He’s still trying to finish First.

ISIS 'White Widow' Recruiter Sally Jones Killed With Child in U.S. Airstrike: Reports
–– It's what husband would've wanted.

Rush Limbaugh Suggests Trump Is Acting like a Dictator and Is Making Him 'Nervous'
–– Doesn’t the Oxy help with that?

Rose McGowan blocked on Twitter
–– But gets more coverage than ever.

‘Blade Runner 2049’ Was Never Going to Be a Blockbuster, But It Can Become Something Cooler: a Cult Classic
–– Investors in $200 million bomb doing jig.

Trump slams Iran deal as 'incompetently drawn'
–– 'Like Bushmiller's Nancy, but without naive charm.'

North Korea foreign minister: Trump has 'lit the wick' of war
–– Ironically name of Kim’s favorite sex game.

Mark Zuckerberg Unveils Oculus Go Standalone Virtual Reality Headset
–– Full name: Oculus Go & Look Foolish.

White House Is Largely Not Taking the Bait on Democrats and Weinstein (So Far)
–– Because Trump grabbed for bait too often himself.

Liz Hurley: I've known Harvey Weinstein for two decades...he never asked me to massage him
–– You were already over thirty.

Bob Weinstein Takes Reins as Embattled Brother Harvey Takes ‘Indefinite Leave’
–– Latest slang for 'definite leave.'

Bob Weinstein Condemns Brother Harvey Over Rape Allegations: ‘He’s A Very Sick Man’ and ‘A World Class Liar’
–– ‘I just noticed when our profits sank.'

Scientists find gold worth $2 million in Swiss sewage
–– Beneath Herr Midas’ house.

Arianna Huffington advocates for women to repeat outfits
–– Redressing past wrongs.

McDonald’s vows to reboot Szechuan Sauce for spurned 'Rick and Morty' fans
–– And maintaining level of styrofoam in McNuggets.

Terry Crews Alleges ‘Hollywood Executive’ Groped Him: ‘Weinstein Is Not the Only Perpetrator’
–– Was Crewsin’.

Steve Bannon Tells Sen. Bob Corker To Resign For Insulting Trump
–– America’s conscience speaks.

Fires Are Engulfing California’s Wine Country. Here’s What You Need to Know.
–– Avoid those smoky accents.

Trump mocks ‘Liddle’ Bob Corker, says senator was ‘made to sound a fool’
–– Like someone who spells ‘little’ ‘liddle’?

Mike Ditka hasn’t seen social injustice the last 100 years
–– Bears witness.

Diamondbacks had police on horseback guard pool after Dodgers sweep
–– Phoenix drought still on.

Matt Damon, Russell Crowe Reportedly Helped Kill a 2004 New York Times Harvey Weinstein Article
–– Good Swill Hunting,

Trump feels in 'pressure cooker,' ally tells Washington Post
–– Like overcooked ham hock.

Trump Bashing Worked, NFL Has Quietly Changed Rule on Taking a Knee
–– Almost as good as healthcare reform!

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre won’t commit to backing bump stock bill, tells ATF to "do its job"
–– “And raid my home and confiscate arms before I commit mass shooting.”

Las Vegas hotel weighs fate of notorious 32nd floor suite
–– Rename The Lapierre, rent out for NRA events.

Martin Scorsese on Rotten Tomatoes, Box Office Obsession and Why 'Mother!' Was Misjudged
–– Because he might need David O. Russell to defend his next bomb.

Judi Dench Says She Was "Completely Unaware" of "Horrifying" Harvey Weinstein Accusations
–– “How could I? I’m a national treasure!”

Trump challenges Tillerson to battle of IQ tests over reported 'moron' jab
–– We know he'd win ICK test.

White House lets Jones Act waiver expire for Puerto Rico
–– Trump livid Island didn’t thank him for 10-days of supplies.

Adam Levine is YSL's Newest Fragrance Ambassador
–– You Smell Loser.

‘Honest Trailers’ Creator Andy Signore Fired for ‘Egregious and Intolerable’ Sexual Behavior
–– Like Halvely Weinstein.

Jean Rochefort Dies: French Actor Was Famously to Appear in ‘Don Quixote’
–– Beautiful tribute to great star –– he didn’t appear in failed Terry Gilliam mess.

Mattis Discloses Part of Afghanistan Battle Plan, but It Hasn’t Yet Been Carried Out
–– Promisese reboots on the ground for Season 16.

Brad Ausmus is reportedly a candidate to be the Mets' next manager
–– Club impressed with 98-loss season in Chicago.

Las Vegas Strip dims lights for 11 minutes to honor shooting victims
–– What greater honor than darkened Sin City?

Dolphins’ Chris Foerster resigns after snorting video; why did Vegas model Kijuana Nige release it?
–– Don’t get sniffy about it.

Cooking show star had sex with friend’s teen son
–– Kneaded tender meat.

Fierstein tells internet: You have the wrong Harvey
–– Harvey milked.

Get Ready for President Ivanka Trump, Her Mom Says In New Book
–– Of local garden club.

Colin Kaepernick Says It's A Lie He Would Stand For Anthem If Signed To NFL Team
–– ‘I’d kneel on Sundays, just like I do in living room.’

EPA chief says administration to roll back climate plan
–– 'It's not so hot.'

Jeff Koons' augmented reality Snapchat artwork gets 'vandalized'
–– Could only improve.

Frank Sinatra told Donald Trump to “go f*** himself”, new book reveals
–– Though he couldn't find own ass with two hands.

Donald Trump takes credit for inventing the word 'fake'
–– Embodying, maybe.

Advertisers work on new image for "Sin City" after Las Vegas shooting
–– What happens in Vegas slays in Vegas.

Kellyanne Conway calls Sen. Corker’s tweet to Trump ‘incredibly irresponsible’
–– Which make Trump’s tweets ‘inconceivably reckless’?

Donald Trump Revels In Recounting The 'Very Good Towels' He Threw To Hurricane Victims
–– 'The kind Russian hookers prefer.'

Trump threatens to abandon Puerto Rico recovery effort
–– ‘There are only so many beautiful, soft paper towels left.’

Puerto Rico governor: 'hell to pay' over water, food deliveries
–– Trump: 'OK, get Satan to pony up because I'm not.'

Kim Jong Un promotes sister at key North Korea ruling party summit
–– Assuming 'Ivanka' role in administration.

Egypt sent into raptures as country qualifies for first World Cup since 1990
–– After years of deNile.

Pharma Bro Martin Shkreli Says Prison Is Not That Bad And He's Teaching Prisoners 'Some New Things'
–– Pack of cigs now $150.

Bannon to Target All Incumbent Senators Except Ted Cruz
–– Scum stick together.

Ivana Trump: Donald Trump wouldn't be who he is without me
–– Bumblebrag.

Sykes: Corker sees the emperor isn't clothed
–– Is staring agape at 'Don Jr.'

Trump: North Korea 'should have been handled 25 years ago'
–– So should you have been.

TV Journalist Says Harvey Weinstein Masturbated In Front Of Her
–– Moistened potted plant.

Harvey Weinstein called ‘Captain America’s Hayley Atwell ‘a fat pig’
–– Trash Carter.

Fox News: Las Vegas Shooter May Have Targeted Christian Country Fans Because He Was Atheist
–– Name Hillary as accessory.

Our Ancient Ancestors Were Forced From Africa 60,000 Years Ago by Climate Change
–– Led by Ul Garrgh.

Man accused of sexual battery of 2-year-old in Chick-fil-A bathroom
–– In case you’re having trouble purging.

Thousands demand Putin quit as birthday protests turn violent
–– Wish Many Happy Returns…to dacha.

Garry Kasparov, who battled IBM's supercomputer, reveals the REAL danger of AI
–– Trash talk after they crush you.

Vice President Mike Pence Wants to Send Astronauts Back to the Moon
–– Men, women in separate rockets.

Donald Trump: 'Unfunny' Late-Night Hosts Should Give Republicans 'Equal Time'
–– Let Trump fill in for Guillermo on Kimmel.

Former Watergate Investigator Ken Starr Predicts Indictments Over Russia Probe
–– Isn't Whitewater more à propos when discussing Yellowwater?

Donald Trump Marks Hispanic Heritage Month By Mocking The Puerto Rican Accent
–– Ordered Taco Bell Burritos Supreme® for island residents, sent via parcel post.

Donald Trump On Health Care: 'Who Knows!'
–– We know who doesn’t.

Here’s What the 'Golden Shower' Dossier Now Being Investigated by Mueller Claims About Trump and Russia
–– Mutual flow couldn’t be contained.

Survivalist spends 45 years filling huge basement with food — then decides Puerto Ricans need it more
–– Especially fresh lettuce from 1973.

Under President Trump's new budget, if you don't work, you don't eat: Republicans are kicking people off SNAP
–– Party finally SNAPs.


MORON DISS LATER
Week of 10/06/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Reporter says Rex Tillerson called Trump a "fucking moron," not just a regular one
–– Trump tweets: "F**king means cool, ask Don Jr."

Hugh Hefner Laid To Rest Next To Marilyn Monroe
–– On top, actually.

Report: Tillerson Nearly Resigned, Called Trump a ‘Moron’
–– Displaying judgment we want in Secretary of State.

Trump quickly learned of Tillerson's "moron" comment
–– Told it was acronym for Man Of Really Outstanding Nature.

'Moron-mania' spreads after Tillerson headlines
–– This moron’s mania has already spread.

Congressional baseball shooter fired at least 70 rounds, cased area for months
–– So has Trump since taking office.

RIP AOL Instant Messenger
–– Postcards being mailed with funeral arrangements.

Bump fire stocks might be changed, but by whom?
–– Bump on log?

Stoking Islamophobia and secession in Texas -- from an office in Russia
–– So easy to stoke, you could do from Mars.

Nobel Peace Prize awarded to anti-nuclear weapons campaigners
–– A-bomb for effort.

Will O.J. Simpson Do a Post-Jail Reality TV Show?
–– Real Dead Housewives of Brentwood.

Why Chrissy Teigen Is Going Public With IVF Struggle Again
–– Attention junkie needs fix.

Jackie Chan Teases Plans for "Rush Hour 4" Film
–– Plans not amused.

A ‘Sonic Attack’ on Diplomats in Cuba? These Scientists Doubt It
–– Hedgehog not detected in vicinity.

Washing Machine War Will Test Trump’s Mettle on Trade
–– Sure to put spin on it.

The 7 trips Steven Mnuchin took on government planes for $811,800
–– $250,000 for excess baggage.

The Cotton-Top Tamarin fights for survival
–– Carrot Top Tamarin still getting gigs.

‘SNL’ star: 'I'm depressed all the time'
–– For most viewers it’s only Saturday nights, 11:30 to 1.

Harvey Weinstein apologizes, intends to sue NY Times following sexual harassment story
–– Meant to call Hef as character witness.

Archeologists believe remains of St. Nicholas may be in Turkey
–– That'll put you off Christmas dinner.

Trump at dinner with military commanders cites 'calm before the storm'
–– Taco bowls loaded with beans.

Las Vegas massacre: why did Stephen Paddock open fire? The theories
–– Not to get too technical, but fucking crazy?

Paul Ryan's 'mental health' focus is a sham
–– Unless it's on NRA.

Would You Buy a Condo From the Trumps?
–– Wouldn’t buy a condom from them.

Ben Affleck Calls ‘Batman v Superman’ Criticisms ‘Fair’
–– But ‘insufficiently harsh.’

Harvey Weinstein Lawyers Up for Bombshell New York Times, New Yorker Stories
–– Fear Confessions of a Dangerous Mind.

Twitter Tracker: Trump Calls for Senate Investigation of ‘Fake News Networks’
–– Fox and which others?

Republicans Open to Banning ‘Bump Stocks’ Used in Massacre
–– Gun manufacturers to dump stocks.

Las Vegas gunman planned to escape after massacre, sheriff says
–– Made it, to Hell.

Aung San Suu Kyi to be stripped of Oxford honor
–– And shirt.

Tom Brokaw Says Megyn Kelly Didn’t Actually Censor His NRA Comments
–– ‘She’s not smart enough for that.’

What a macho, gun-packing Instagram star did when he was caught in the Las Vegas shooting
–– Sweated bullets.

Trump Says He Only Heard ‘Thank Yous’ During Visit to Hurricane-Ravaged Puerto Rico
–– ‘Either that or they kept calling Melania ‘crazy ass’.

Trump: Puerto Rico’s Debt Will Have to Be ‘Wiped Out’
–– Like island.

US votes against UN motion to condemn gay sex death penalty ‘over fears executions could be banned in the States’
–– Ambassador Haley: ‘This administration is vehemently pro-death!’

Donald Trump Helps Suffering Puerto Ricans By Throwing Paper Towels At Them
–– Trump: ’Quicker-picker-uppers terrific solution for flooding.’

Trump Treating Us Like 'Dogs,' Say Puerto Ricans
–– Trump: ’Well, you’re not JLos, that’s for sure.’

Trump: Only 'politically motivated ingrates' can't see we're doing a great job in Puerto Rico
–– 'Somebody's gotta drain that swamp. Literally.'

Brooke Shields reveals the cringeworthy pickup line Donald Trump used on her
–– ‘Hey, Pretty Baby, wanna dip in my Blue Lagoon?’

President Trump Tells Puerto Rico Hurricane Destruction Killed The U.S. Budget
–– Adds, ‘I hope you’re proud of yourselves.’

San Juan Mayor Slams Donald Trump For 'Terrible And Abominable' Puerto Rico Stunt
–– Which is not, surprisingly, hyperbole.

Brett Ratner on Hugh Hefner: He "Was Trying to Make This Country a Better Place"
–– ‘For sleaze buckets like me.’

Netflix’s Ted Sarandos on Why Aziz Ansari Is the Voice of His Generation
–– His generation totally lost.

DOJ releases slew of memos lobbying against presidential appointments for family
–– Trump will have grandkids read for him.

Tommy Lee Jones Really Hated Working With Jim Carrey on 'Batman Forever'
–– So did everyone who labored through that pic.

Bonkers artwork of two buildings ‘having SEX’ axed from top show because it would be seen from a school playground
–– In PARIS! Sacre bleu!

Archie to Meet The Monkees in Comic Book Crossover
–– Just 50 years too late.

President Trump thought dedicating a golf trophy to hurricane victims was a helpful idea
–– Thought they could use it to bail.

Mnuchin Won't Say If Trump's Tax Plan Would Benefit Trump
–– Doesn’t like to be obvious.

Hugh Hefner's Widow Crystal Harris Is 'Heartbroken' Over His Death, Still Mourning
–– Fears she won't be able to count all the money herself.

Severed head of eccentric Jeremy Bentham to go on display as scientists test DNA to see if he was autistic
–– Or just off his nut.

NASA Is Testing Technology to Reach the Metal World of Psyche
–– Consulting with Megadeth.

Trump says U.S. “will be talking about gun laws as time goes by”
–– You must remember this, a dis is still a dis.

Zimbabwe arrests journalist over Grace Mugabe 'used' underwear
–– Got panties in twist.

Ex-Rep. Grimm eyeing Congress comeback after tax fraud plea
–– Latest fairy tale.

Keith Olbermann: The NRA Should Be Branded A Terrorist Organization
–– ISAS: Infernal Second Amendment State.

‘Fox & Friends' Guest Says CNN Partly To Blame For Las Vegas Shooting
–– For making gun nuts feel so bad about selves they have to slaughter people. Really.

477 Days. 521 Mass Shootings. Zero Action From Congress.
–– Get the lead out!

House to vote on abortion ban after 20 weeks of pregnancy
–– Reps starting to show.

Nobel Prize in Physics goes to 'black hole telescope' trio
–– And their heavy metal band of same name.

Salesman at Shop That Sold Gun to Vegas Shooting Suspect: 'He Was Just Like a Normal Person'
–– Who feels need to gun down 600 folks.

The battle for the future of Tide
–– It will all come out in wash.

Sarah Sanders chokes up talking about Las Vegas
–– All that thar sin makes her ‘motional.

Paris Designers Want Women to Wear Denim and Crocs For Spring
–– Live ones.

GM: The future is all-electric
–– We’ll miss acoustic days.

Trump shocks world with measured response to Las Vegas massacre
–– Not Borowitz Report headline.

Bill O'Reilly On Las Vegas Massacre: 'This Is The Price Of Freedom'
–– To pander to NRA.

Televangelist Pat Robertson: Vegas Attack Is Due To People’s 'Disrespect' of Trump, National Anthem
–– Investigators relieved to have motive.

Arthur Janov, Psychologist Who Set the World Screaming, Dies at 93
–– Shout out.

CBS Erroneously Reports Tom Petty’s Death, Setting Off an Outpouring
–– Freefailin'.

Body clock scientists win Nobel Prize
–– One around Flavor Flav’s neck.

Trump welcomes Thailand's junta leader at White House
–– Tries out three pronunciations of Thailand, four of junta.

Fan throws shoe at Jennifer Hudson mid-concert: 'I could barely finish my song'
–– Not old soft one.

Kendall Jenner Cries Recalling Pepsi Scandal: 'I Just Felt So F**king Stupid'
–– That's typecasting.

Las Vegas shooting: Man who believes he was staying in hotel next to gunman Stephen Paddock describes attack as 'hardcore'
–– Yo, bro.

Team Trump Joins The President's Assault On San Juan Mayor
–– Diminutive, Democratic, Hispanic, woman, hundreds of miles away –– perfect target.

ISIS Claims Las Vegas Shooting, Says Stephen Paddock Converted to Islam
–– Also took credit for Hurricanes Irma, Maria.

A North Korean ship was seized off Egypt with a huge cache of weapons destined for a surprising buyer
–– Umm, uh, Egypt? Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!

Equifax breach shows signs of a possible state-sponsored hack
–– And absolute evidence of executive hacks.

What Are Las Vegas' Gun Control Laws?
–– Have you read rules for Grand Theft Auto?

It's Completely Legal To Walk Around Las Vegas With A Machine Gun
–– Remember when visitors were thrilled by open carry beer bottles?

Paul Ryan On Trump And Race: 'His Heart's In The Right Place'
–– Where it's protected when he sits.

Donald Trump Tells Ivanka, 'Baby, You're Getting Killed,' As Her White House Role Shrinks
–– Gilt by association.

CBS fires vice president who said Vegas victims didn't deserve sympathy because country music fans 'often are Republican'
–– That's awfully harsh –– couldn't she just get reprimand?

Gunman Stephen Paddock was an accountant who played $100-a-hand-poker
–– Shit out of luck.

Mormons Slam Racism As 'Morally Wrong' at Conference
–– Latter day taints.

Trump Didn’t Contradict Rex Tillerson, Adviser Says
–– Just said complete opposite.

‘Saturday Night Live’ Sees Head Writer Shuffle
–– Won't effect gag order.

Trump attends Presidents Cup golf tournament
–– PR stunt.

US scientists awarded Nobel in medicine for body clock insights
–– Sloppy seconds.

Trump: Tillerson 'wasting his time' negotiating with North Korea
–– ‘As pointless as talking to me.’

GLAAD President Responds to Hugh Hefner Media Coverage, Calls Playboy Founder a "Misogynist"
–– GLAAD rag.

‘Transformers’ Star Josh Duhamel to Receive Honorary Doctorate
–– From Hasbro U.

O.J. Simpson Released From Nevada Prison After 9 Years
–– Should've taken in Route 91 Harvest Music Fest.

Magazine legend Si Newhouse, publisher of Vogue, dies at 89
–– Subscription cancelled.

‘Flatliners’ Is Flatlining With 0 Percent Rating on Rotten Tomatoes
–– Has No Resuscitation order.

Bill Maher Takes a Knee to Support NFL Athletes, Blasts Trump
–– Sorry, Bill, you're still not n****r.

Monty Hall, 'Let's Make a Deal' host, dead at 96
–– Buried behind tombstone #2.

‘Trump’s Katrina?' No, it's much worse
–– It's Katrina and the waves.

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