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Headbangers 2016
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Headliners
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Headliners 2010-2009
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Headliners 2007

BACK DOOR MAN
Week of 05/26/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Kushner Is Said to Have Discussed a Secret Channel to Talk to Russia
–– Cool handle Maverick for him, Iceman for Putin.

Video shows moment bear attacks hunter
–– In The Revenant cosplay.

FBI calls emergency meeting with Eric and Donald Trump Jr.
–– Twitter Dumb & Twitter D.

Russian Once Tied to Trump Aide Seeks Immunity to Cooperate With Congress
–– And psychological counseling for bondage habit with Manafort.

Did Trump have Russian investigation attorney threaten comic strip creator of Bloom County?
–– Great story, but…

Trump law firm says 'Bloom County' cease-and-desist letter is fake
–– Consistent with client’s presidential status.

Clinton compares Trump to Nixon in fiery speech at alma mater
–– Then apologizes to Nixon family.

Trump Budget Plan Offers No Clarity, and So Far No ‘Magic Unicorn’
–– Which is nickname of Sec. Mnuchin’s vibrator.

Defending Cuts, Mulvaney Misleads on Food Stamps and Big Bird
–– Suggests poor kids hunt cartoon avian, barbecue.

Trump’s budget: Big gifts for the rich, big cuts for the poor
–– Mulvaney: 'See, it’s balanced!'

GOP candidate charged after allegedly 'body slamming' reporter
–– In latest alt-slang for 'no comment.'

Greg Gianforte, Montana Republican, Captures House Seat Despite Assault Charge
–– ‘Despite’ or ‘because of’?

Montana Republican admits his original story about assaulting a reporter was a lie
–– Taking page from Trump's playbook.

The Latest PC Crash Culprit: a 4-Character Filename
–– What the $MFT?

White House Backs Down on Keeping Ethics Waivers Secret
–– Has retreated more often than Italy in WWII.

Pence left dozens of records requests unfilled
–– Did share entire Pat Boone LP collection.

Sean Spicer didn’t get to meet the pope. Even reporters feel sorry for him.
–– Through the sneers.

The man behind the Ice Bucket Challenge is drowning in medical bills
-–– Shouldn't have let assets melt.

Realtor pleads guilty to murdering 7
–– Rent limb from limb.

MMA Fighter's Mother Slaps Her Son After TKO Defeat
––TLCKO.

Sources: Comey acted on Russian intelligence he knew was fake
–– Folderol Bureau of Investigation.

Aly Raisman Shares Personal Story of Body-Shaming Incident at Airport
–– Should tell TSA agent to 'stick it' upon landing

'Baywatch' movie sinks like a stone
–– After fans skip it.

‘Baywatch’ stars reveal Dwayne Johnson's advice about oiling up and gluing down
–– Johnson?

Dwayne Johnson talks Fast & Furious 'universe,' confirms spin-off with Jason Statham
–– More like ass-to-roid belt.

Dwayne The Rock Johnson Photos: Things He Makes Look Small
–– Reporters assigned stories like this.

1 day, 2 presidents: Merkel meets with Obama, then Trump
–– Most action since Monroe ‘met’ Jack and Bobby Kennedy same day.

Trump Appears to Push Aside the Leader of Montenegro
–– About right size country to bully.

World Leaders Increase Pressure on Trump to Stay in the Paris Accord
–– Worried about a-hole in ozone layer.

Conan O'Brien Comments on Colbert's Trump-Putin Joke: "It's Hard to Know What's Too Far"
–– ‘Let’s put it this way –- I wouldn't steal it.’

Donald Trump Angled for Soviet Posting in 1980s, Says Nobel Prize Winner
–– At time brain tumor was size of walnut.

‘Star Wars' turns 40, but did you know....
–– Mentally it’s still 14?

Boehner chides Trump administration 'disaster'
–– Speaker of the harsh.

Melania Trump is the first Catholic first lady since Jackie Kennedy
–– Other things in common: two arms, two legs.

Lieberman withdraws from FBI director consideration
–– ‘It was a ware mark of wespect to be weviewed for this wole.’

Judge sentences man who raped sister to probation, citing 'stigma'
–– Stigma? Fie!

Drug counselors overdose at addiction facility
–– Performing quality control.

Trump’s $110 billion Saudi Arabia Weapons Deal Won’t Spawn American Jobs
–– Will spawn Salman.

Raw Oysters Are Alive Until You Eat Them, In Case You Didn't Know
–– And apparently may be smarter than you.

Trump Praised Philippines President Duterte For Drug War That Has Killed 9,000 People
–– While insisting his numbers would’ve been better.

Trump called North Korea's Kim Jong-un 'madman with nuclear weapons' in call with Duterte
–– To ‘madman with death squads’.

Trump Praises Bahrain Days Before Brutal Crackdown
–– Adds: ‘And I like how you have the same name as my son. Classy.’

Top House Intel Dem: Flynn Not Cooperating With Russia Probe, Subpoenas Coming
–– Will plead the filth.

Betsy DeVos: If States Discriminate Against LGBTQ Students, It's Cool By Me
–– ‘I mean they can't even get the alphabetic order straight.’

ICE Officers Dined At Cafe, Then Arrested 3 Of Its Cooks, Owner Says
–– Said, ‘We’ll have those to go.”

Texas Sheriff Blames Manchester Attack On Gun Laws And Political Correctness
–– PC gamer.

Top Russian Officials Discussed How to Influence Trump Aides Last Summer
–– Considered Green Stamps and salt licks.

23 million fewer Americans insured under House GOP bill, says CBO
––

Health care negotiator MacArthur criticizes CBO report
–– As ‘fatal subtraction.'

Rep. Gohmert Says CBO Scoring Is 'Ridiculous'
–– Because it’s accurate.

HUD secretary Ben Carson: Poverty is largely 'a state of mind'
–– ‘And mine's piss-poor.’

Pope-Trump meeting agenda: Climate change, terrorism
–– Fat jokes.

Pope predicts potizza on Trump's menu, not pizza
–– For shizza.

‘Climate change musical’ is cited as tax waste at budget reveal. Wait, what?
–– Especially in Italian for Pope.

Trump administration hits reset in FBI director search
–– Button also marked 'panic'.

1 dead after eating nacho cheese
–– A queso poisoning.

Roger Stone: There's a Difference Between Dirty Tricks and Just Being Stupid (Q&A)
–– ‘I just don’t know what it is.’

Chris Cornell’s Gravesite Will Be Open to the Public After 3 p.m. FridayChris Cornell’s Gravesite Will Be Open to the Public After 3 p.m. Friday
–– Tickets go on sale midnight Thursday.

‘I had rocks thrown at me': Meet the women who don't shave or wax their body hair
–– ‘I was pelted.’

Travelers Chant 'Lock Him Up' As Man In Trump Hat Is Removed From United Plane
–– Couldn't they have beat him just a little?

United flight evacuated on Newark airport tarmac after engine fire
–– United we strand.

Unidentified object flies from North Korea over border with South
–– Kim’s relatives dropped in from Pluto.

Huckabee: Pence-snubbing Notre Dame Grads Are 'Leftwing Snowflakes'
–– And he’s Fuckhead the Snowman.

GOP Lawmaker: Lynch Anyone Who Takes Down Confederate Monuments
–– Defends self: ’But ah said everyone, not just coloreds!’

‘Property Brothers' Reveal Which Moments On Their Show Aren't Authentic
–– The ‘we’ve got girlfriends’ part?

Roger Moore Dead: James Bond Actor, 89, Battled Cancer
–– SPECTRE of death won.

Roger Moore Was the Best Bond Because He Was the Gen X Bond
–– Really more junk Bond.

Why director Edgar Wright loved the 'wink and twinkle' of Roger Moore's James Bond best
–– How about 'twink and winkle'?

Manchester Arena: Donald Trump brands suicide bomber behind terror attack as 'evil loser'
–– That’ll teach ‘em.

Fox News staffers 'disgusted' at network's promotion of Seth Rich conspiracy theory
–– That’s Rich.

Sean Hannity says he will drop the Seth Rich conspiracy theory and stay at Fox News
–– Promises loyal fans 'more made-up shit.'.

Chris Christie: I warned Trump about Flynn
–– 'When I was tweezing his buttocks.'

Did the First Hominins Come from Europe and Not Africa?
–– Yes, like do and doo.

Watch Melania Trump Swat Donald Away When He Tries To Hold Her Hand
–– Fly, girl!

Netanyahu’s Wife Tells Melania 'The Media Hates Us'
–– Melania: ‘I am seeing your face, so I understand you, but me?’

Richard Spencer, Confronted Over Alt-Right Views, is Expelled from Gym
–– Dumbbell squat.

Artist Projects Image Of Jeff Sessions In KKK Hood Across Department Of Justice
–– Sessions 'cross, burning'.

Trump: 'I never mentioned the word or the name Israel' to Russians
–– “I just said ‘begins with I and is real.’”

Trump Becomes First Sitting U.S. President to Visit Western Wall
–– Places copy of Electoral College results in crevice.

Cher Proves She Can Plank Way Better Than You at 71
–– If that’s slang for ‘lay out stiff as a board.’

Trump’s groveling speech in Saudi Arabia was a national embarrassment
–– Even shameless sheikhs red-faced.

Ringling Bros. circus ends after 146 years
–– Trump Administration renders it redundant.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders is on a White House tight rope
–– Get out your umbrellas!

Meryl Streep Is Doing A 'Mamma Mia' Sequel So We Can Dance, We Can Jive
–– We can sneer.

Roger Ailes’ Son Vows During Eulogy That He’s ‘Coming After’ Accusers
–– Fitting memorial for predator who came at women.

Saudi King Confident Trump Can Solve Israeli-Palestinian Conflict, Foreign Minister Says
–– And oil will hit $100/bbl.

Notre Dame Students Walk Out During Mike Pence's Commencement Speech
–– The Flighting Irish.

Big game hunter crushed to death by falling elephant that was fatally shot
–– Buried in trunk.

White House Moves to Block Ethics Inquiry Into Ex-Lobbyists on Payroll
–– Drowning in swamp.

Billy Bush talks Trump 'Access Hollywood' tape: 'I wish I had changed the topic'
–– But this one really grabbed a pussy.

WH: Trump was 'exhausted' when he said 'Islamic extremism'
–– Audience could relate.

Trump Softens Tone on Islam but Calls for Purge of ‘Foot Soldiers of Evil’
–– Suggests Dr. Scholl's Massaging Gel Insoles.

Melania Trump gets rave reviews in Saudi press
–– Sheikh offers to buy her for 12 camels, $2 mil in cash.

Ex-NFL player to become neurosurgeon
–– To treat own CTE.

Why Trump's No. 2 donor isn't asking for much
–– The little shit.

Trump compliments Egyptian president's shoes
–– ‘Boy, I could really see those standing on a neck.’

Sebastien Bourdais to Have Surgery After Fiery Crash in Indy 500 Qualifying
–– ABC: ‘Why couldn't he save it for the race!’

Israel: Netanyahu says all government ministers must attend Trump's arrival
–– Vuvuzela’s optional.

Possible leak found at Washington nuclear site
–– In pants when manager read damage report.

Comey’s father: Trump was 'scared to death' of FBI director
––

Russia foreign minister denies talking to Trump about Comey
–– U.S. Intelligence discounts nyet worth.

Trump’s new tune on Islam unconvincing, experts in Mideast say
–– Political hum job.

‘Drive them out': Trump calls on Muslims to share burden in terror fight
–– ‘You people have plenty of gas and you’re typically cabbies. How about suicide Uber rides for ISIS? Brilliant, right?’

Vanessa Bayer leaving 'SNL'
–– Vanessa, we never knew ye.

Rich Buckler, Prolific Marvel and DC Comics Artist, Dies at 68
–– Squash Buckler.

Terry Gilliam's Embattled 'The Man Who Killed Don Quixote' Hit With New Hurdle
–– As it was trying to leap over it.

How to cripple a presidency in 10 days
–– Start with a cripple…

Killing C.I.A. Informants, China Crippled U.S. Spying Operations
–– Russia doesn't even need to spare the polonium.

Trump Gets a Gold Medal as Welcome From Saudi King
–– Appropriate to sack of white flour.

Roger Stone: Trump's Saudi award 'makes me want to puke'
–– ‘With jealousy.’

Trump receives regal welcome in Saudi Arabia
–– That happens in monarchies.


HEX PRESIDENT
Week of 05/19/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump decries 'single greatest witch hunt' in U.S. history
–– 'Check Wiccanpedia!'

Travel ban architect writing Trump's speech on Islam
–– It’s Miller slime.

Trump Told Russians That Firing ‘Nut Job’ Comey Eased Pressure From Investigation
–– How’s that workin' out?

Anthony Weiner Pleads Guilty to Federal Obscenity Charge
–– Name is destiny.

Interior Secretary Claims He's Made No Decision On Bears Ears. His Comments Raise Some Doubts.
–– Insists: ‘I do love bear claws, yum!’

Pentagon provides update on ISIS fight, announces new 'deconfliction' effort with Russia
–– After 'recollusion' effort.

Anderson Cooper: If Trump ‘Took A Dump On His Desk,’ Jeffrey Lord Would Defend It
–– He might ask for ketchup.

Black Man Praised After Slapping White Woman For Calling Him A Ni**er
–– Couldn't slap white off her.

Comey now believes Trump was trying to influence him, source says
–– All those cases of Empire by Trump scent seem suspicious.

Kushner called Lockheed CEO about $100B Saudi arms deal
–– To make sure his cut was in price.

IBM tells employees working at home to get back to the office
–– Holiday parties have really sucked.

Callista Gingrich to be nominated as ambassador to Vatican
–– Whore of Babylon had other gig.

Sources: White House lawyers research impeachment
–– Now know it doesn’t involve removing pits.

Why 'Prometheus' Remains the Most Misunderstood 'Alien' Movie
–– No, was tragically understood.

Harry Styles and James Corden Trade Clothes, Reenact Rom-Coms on "Carpool Karaoke"
–– Make Rupaul's Drag Race look like WWE Raw.

Fox News Fires Bob Beckel Over "Insensitive Remark to an African-American Employee"
–– And that’s their token ‘liberal’.

‘Kissing bug' disease more deadly than thought
–– Especially if you swap spit with pest.

Chris Cornell's wife disputes 'intentional' suicide findingChris Cornell's wife disputes 'intentional' suicide finding
–– Noose to him.

Final Confederate statue coming down in New Orleans
–– Lee grant.

Instagram worst social media app for young people's mental health
–– Will make them snap, chat.

Want to lose weight? Try front-loading calories
–– Instead of rectal rehydration?

Why Democrats don't like Joe Lieberman
–– Can still feel knife in back.

Pantone creator Larry Herbert to divorce wife of 30 years
–– Swatch out.

‘Deadliest Catch’ captain arrested for alleged Uber assault
–– Got crabby.

Scientists think they found proof of a parallel universe
–– Watched Fox News for month straight.

Aerosmith meets Benjamin Netanyahu during trip to Jerusalem
–– Sings Bibi, Please Don’t Go.

Pippa Middleton’s world-famous backside set to walk the aisle again
–– Marrying some asshole.

Times Square maniac was allegedly attempting suicide-by-cop
–– Couldn’t he just put on blackface and put up hands?

Roger Ailes hit his head one week before he died
–– D’oh!

Roger Ailes’ death complicates Fox News' ability to defend itself against lawsuits, experts say
–– Left-wing media accuses O'Reilly of Killing Roger Ailes.

Basquiat tops Warhol after painting sells for $111 million
–– Buyer must be Basquiat case.

What Does Barack Obama Really Think of Donald Trump? ‘He’s Nothing But a Bulls***ter’
–– And 'a hound dog, cryin' all the time.'

As Congress debates impeachment, Trump aides polish their résumés
–– Turds almost shining.

Dutch King reveals he secretly piloted KLM passenger flights for 21 years
–– Nether lands.

Exclusive: Trump campaign had at least 18 undisclosed contacts with Russians: sources
–– Mostly 'u up?' and 'how much is that in rubles?'

Alan Thicke's sons in legal battle with his widow over estate
–– Thicke as thieves.

Anthony Bourdain shows off romance with Italian star Asia Argento
–– In ménage à trois with his ego.

Miley Cyrus Says She'll Never Live Down Naked 'Wrecking Ball' Video
–– 'That's not how I was razed.'

North Korea War a ‘High Possibility,’ South Korea’s New President Says
–– If Kim keep's huffing rocket fuel.

After Fox, It’s Podcast Time for Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck
–– Great to avoid both at once.

Kevin McCarthy: Comment that Putin is paying Trump was bad joke
–– Like whole administration.

Paul Ryan: 'I do' have confidence in Trump
–– A marriage made in Hell.

President Trump’s King Lear Moment
–– More like Leer.

Trump to graduates: 'No politician in history... has been treated worse'
–– And still not half as bad as it oughta be.

McMaster won't clarify Trump's position on Western Wall
–– ‘Besides wanting to keep Mexicans out.’

Israel 'shocked' over Trump aide's Western Wall comments
–– ‘It’s kinda old and run-down, not as beautiful as what the boss is gonna build.’

Trump Too Lazy And 'Indifferent' To Hurt Allies By Sharing Intel, White House Officials Tell NYT
–– Only intel they share is from self-help book The Secret.

Fears Over Trump’s Mental State Gaining Traction In The Media
–– Psychiatrists run over symptoms.

Donald Trump's mental health 'keeps getting worse', Washington insiders claim
–– Needle in red 'gaga zone'.

The scariest thought: What if Donald Trump just doesn't know what he's doing?
–– Or 'most obvious'?

Jimmy Fallon Was on Top of the World. Then Came Trump.
–– Who’s on bottom of underworld.

Conan O'Brien Headed to Trial Over Claims of Stealing Jokes
–– Charged with safe cracking.

Conan O’Brien to Face Joke-Theft Allegations in Court
–– Accused of mans laughter, japewalking, payoffs, pun-running, ribbery, witnapping, negligent hahacide.

Conan O'Brien Inks New 4-Year Deal With TBS, 'Conan' to Remain Nightly (For Now)
–– WIll hire Carlos Mencia as Chief Joke Writer.

‘King Kong' Musical to Bow on Broadway in Fall 2018
–– Book by Neil Simian, score by Sammy Kong, directed by Ape Burrows.

McDonald’s pulls ad about a boy whose father died
–– During Hamburglar home invasion.

Putin offers transcript of Trump meeting with Lavrov
–– Personal mixtape.

Coach buying Kate Spade in $2.4 billion deal
–– Clutch offer.

Woman Is Caught Trying to Scale White House Fence, Officials Say
–– Stopped by dozen staffers climbing out.

This 150-foot-tall 'vending machine' will serve you a Ferrari
–– Will take 1.6 mil quarters.

Amid chaos, couple gets engaged at White House
–– Jared Kushner presented ring.

Republican Suggests Handing Students Over To ICE: “Do We Have To Educate Non-Citizens?”
–– ‘Because coyotes could do a better job. Witness me.’

Trump to Meet With Erdogan, Turkey’s Authoritarian Leader
–– Will share top secret Thanksgiving recipe.

‘Pay Trump Bribes Here’ Projected on Trump Hotel in Washington
–– Trump enraged it didn't include PayPal account number.

Donald Trump's aides heard 'yelling' in White House office as presidency descends into chaos
–– Trumpette so low.

Sally Yates: Russians had 'real leverage' over Michael Flynn
–– ‘Like an Ivan Koloff WWWF headlock.’

Ron Howard is on a mission to make science sexy
–– Just like him.

Picasso painting stolen by Nazis sells for $45 million
–– Hitler's ghost sues for finder's fee.

Defiant Trump says he had 'absolute right' to share information with Russia
–– 'And y'know I could screw your wife on your wedding night, right?'

Sen. Grassley repeats original explanation of Comey firing since contradicted by Trump
–– Simply gassley.

Aaron Hernandez's fiancee: 'I don't think this was a suicide'
–– 'And being his fiancee, you know I'm pretty darn perceptive.'

No clear path for Trump to quell uproar over Comey
–– Well, seppuku.

Miss USA: Health care is a privilege
–– Tom Price better watch out.

Comey, wife attend LGBT-themed musical, in 1st public outing since being fired
–– He came out for first time?

Osama bin Laden's son vows revenge on the west for killing his father
–– Sonni Muslim.

Poll: Women Less Optimistic in Trump Era
–– They shouldn’t worry their pretty little heads.

Report: Trump Aides Slip Him Fake News
–– Sandwiched between lies.

Apple wanted part of its new $5 billion campus to look like a laptop — here's how close it got
–– Will need to be replaced in two years.

Preet Bharara To Rosenstein On Special Prosecutor: Do The Right Thing
–– Preety unlikely.

A 22-year-old who lives with his parents stopped the worldwide malware hack by registering a domain for $10.69
–– idesperatelyneedagirlfriend.com.

Robert Reich: This is How the Trump Presidency Ends
–– A very special episode of Celebrity Apprentice.

Does Kellyanne Conway Hate Donald Trump? President’s Adviser Called Out by ‘Morning Joe’ Hosts
–– Or just herself?

Chinese say Trump ties are 'biggest selling point' in Kushner investment
–– Thought it was dead-eyed charm of Jared.

Putin warns against 'intimidating' North Korea after latest missile launch
–– 'So move slowly, smile, wave, praise Kim's hair.'

Gregg Popovich: 'There’s a dark cloud, a pall over the whole country' since Donald Trump's election
–– Spurs admiration.

Supreme Court declines to hear challenge to ruling striking down NC voter ID law
–– As the Jim Crow flies.

‘Game of Thrones': Fifth "Successor Show" in the Works at HBO, George R.R. Martin Says
–– The Wild Wild Westeros.

Can Prairie Dogs Talk?
–– Just screamed, 'Stop calling us cute!'

Barry Manilow Cancels Two Shows to Rest Vocal Cords
–– And audience’s ear drums.

Clapper: US institutions 'under assault' from Trump
–– Deserves round of applause.

Russia, This Time the Victim of a Cyberattack, Voices Outrage
–– Hacked off.

James Woolsey: It'll be hard to find a 'willing' FBI director
–– ‘Willing’ only qualification.

Henry Chung, Who Helped Bring Hunan’s Flavors to America, Dies at 98
–– Will be buried in twelve-spice mix.

GOP wins in reversing Obama-era rules on guns, environment
–– Returning us to 2008, on track for Year Zero.

Paul McCartney Shares Character Photo for 'Pirates of the Caribbean'
–– In Octopus's Garden.

Pope says doubts Medjugorje apparitions are authentic
–– Asked to take another hit by Bosnians.

Trump’s decision to fire Comey is backed by only 29% of Americans
–– Who are Comeytose.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson: I Won’t ‘Compromise My Own Values’ for Trump
–– ‘Ones I expect to discover in next few years.’

Do Any White House Staffers Want to Speak for Trump? Based on the Sunday Shows, Apparently Not
–– Uncontrollable vomiting makes it tough.

Sean Spicer Likely To Be Fired, Reports Say
–– Spicer says: ‘Please, please, let it be true.’

Mayor condemns torch-bearing protesters defending Confederate statue
–– Points them way to Frankenstein's castle.

Oprah: Find success by engaging with others
–– ‘I’ve been ‘engaged’ to Stedman for 31 years.’

Amazon to build homeless shelter in new Seattle HQ
–– aka Reserve Worker Pool.

Putin performs unexpected piano recital in Beijing
–– Tickles, then tortures ivories.

Russian money-laundering details remain in the dark as US settles fraud case
–– Lost in the ruble.

Nikki Haley: Trump is CEO of the country
–– How to put this diplomatically? 'Wrong, stupid.'

Isolated and agitated, Trump rattles White House from within
–– Making noise with stacking cups, building blocks, too.

Doctor’s accuser: 'I froze, because I knew it was sexual abuse'
–– And his hands were really cold.

Fyre Festival Looks for Crisis Management Miracle, but With More Lawsuits Filed, Is it Too Late?
–– Fighing Fyre with fire?

Anti-abortion student group sues California professor over free speech
–– The born ultimatum.

Elderly Woman, Whose Arm and Leg Were Amputated After Donkey Attack, Settles Suit
–– Owner’s payin’ in the ass.


RUSSKI BUSINESS
Week of 05/12/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump has 'very, very good' meeting with Lavrov, Kislyak at White House
–– ‘But my knees are a little sore.’

OPEC to U.S.: Please don't pump so much oil!
–– Well, well, well…

Trump says Comey better hope there are no 'tapes' of talks
–– 'Because I think I might've recorded over my Kid Rock mix.'

Vice Chair of Donald Trump's voter fraud commission has been successfully sued four times for voter suppression
–– Murder ballot.

Trump redecorates White House with gold walls, chandelier
–– Keeping his chintz up.

The author of Friday's NYT crossword? P-O-T-U-S 42
–– Clue: Bubba gump.

Abercrombie & Fitch's latest sale may be itself
–– So if you want shirtless, broke, sexually ambiguous boyfriend…

FBI agents concerned about future of Russia probe
–– The one Trump will make them insert.

Inmate seeks execution by firing squad, says lethal injection too painful
–– Fires off memo.

‘This was a hit': Bill O'Reilly talks about his firing from Fox News
–– ‘Just because I said I’d hit that.’

Benedict Cumberbatch and Jake Gyllenhaal in Talks to Star in Drama ‘Rio’
–- Cumberbatch to play macaw.

Caitlyn Jenner: 'I'm upset with Trump and could enter politics'
–– Running on both tickets.

Wells Fargo may have created 3.5 million unauthorized accounts — 1.4 million more than estimated, attorneys say
–– Company insists they treated fake customers ‘even better than real ones.’

Handwritten Harry Potter Prequel Stolen in Burglary
–– Disappeared in puff of smoke.

Trump claims F-35s flew over Japan undetected: 'Pretty cool, right?'
–– ‘There were 35, because that’s in their name, like you have to fly 16 F-16s at all times. I tried to get them to change the name of the F-35s to save money, but instead, and this is the first time it’s ever been done, I convinced Boeing to cut $2 trillion off the price, and they –– you know Boeing is not pronounced boing, like boing boing, you probably didn’t know that –– and they agreed to throw in some extra planes for free. 35, I believe, that’s what I saw somewhere.’

'You going to goddamned steam': Trump rails against the Navy's new catapult system
–– ‘Here, like the stuff coming out of my ears!’

Donald Trump gets two scoops of ice cream while everyone else gets one
–– It’s brown so we have to assume it’s chocolate?

Trump Jr. shares tweet linking Clinton's firing of FBI director to death of Vince Foster
–– And terror attack in Olympus Has Fallen.

Sessions orders federal prosecutors to charge maximum sentences
–– Even for him?

Plane in Air Force One fleet was at risk of catching fire
–– From Trump’s hot head.

Pepe, the sometimes-racist Internet frog, is dead
–– Steve Bannon rolled over on him in bed.

Trump contradicts spokeswoman on effect of Comey firing, says it may 'lengthen out the investigation'
–– Another tall tale.

Priming the Pump: The Economic Metaphor Trump ‘Came Up With’
–– In the ‘buggering subordinates’ sense.

Trump Hosts Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov And Ambassador Kislyak At White House
–– They wanted to inspect purchase.

The strange Oval Office meeting between Trump, Lavrov and Kislyak
–– Troika of joika.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov derides reporters asking about Comey
–– Behind irony curtain.

The White House's decision to let only a Russian photographer into Trump's Oval Office meeting has turned out ugly
–– Consider his subjects.

White House furious after being trolled with Russia Oval Office photos
–– Thought pics were for Putin’s scrapbook.

2 Bodies Found This Week in Waters of Central Park
–– Victims named Lilly, Newt.

Patti LuPone Says Madonna "Should Not Be on Film or on Stage"
–– Even “on planet” was iffy.

In Other Disturbing News, the Census Director Resigned Yesterday
–– If you’re keeping head count.

Johnny Depp Says He Would Tell His Younger Self to 'Get Out of This Business Immediately'
–– Our younger selves: ‘Please!’

Steve Harvey’s Shocking Memo to Talk Show Staff Surfaces: ‘Do Not Approach Me’
–– Familiar feud.

Reporter arrested for calling out questions to Tom Price: I was just doing my job
–– Paid asking Price.

The big melt: Glacier National Park is losing its glaciers
–– Renamed Puddle National Park.

A 'white hot' Trump stewed over Comey's fate
–– He only finds white hot.

Trump Shifts Rationale for Firing Comey, Calling Him a ‘Showboat’
–– But not irrationale.

Comey committed 'atrocities,' Sarah Huckabee Sanders says
–– Like FBI was Holocaust center.

Days Before Firing, Comey Asked for More Resources for Russia Inquiry
–– Took about atrocities of timing.

The Trump Taj Mahal casino sold for 4 cents on the dollar — here's how Trump bankrupted it twice
–– Worth 4x Trump White House.

Donald Trump hires lawyers to help defend him over Russia allegations
–– Cellinowich & Barnesky.

Raucous, angry crowd grills Virginia Rep. Brat at town hall
–– Even on roll Brat can’t cut mustard.

Rudy Giuliani as Next FBI Director? Former Mayor Due at White House But Insists He Isn’t Being Considered
–– Human.

How Emmanuel Macron’s Vision of the EU Could Further Marginalize Britain
–– Macroneconomics.

U.S. to Expand Intelligence Cooperation With Turkey
–– Leaders are about equally intelligent.

Whole Foods Plans to Change More Than Half of Board of Directors
–– Label modifications 'all natural.'

Man plays violin in middle of chaotic Venezuelan protest
–– A little something he learned from Nero.

Steve Bannon's Former Hollywood Partner Breaks Silence: "He's Not a Racist" (Q&A)
–– Which is that –– Q or A?

Early human species likely lived alongside us
–– In rent-controlled caves.

Senator: FBI Director James Comey 'as popular as cholera' right now
–– Which makes Trump ‘as popular as ebola.’

Spencer: 'Make white privilege great again'
–– Let me tell ya –– it already is!

Tiffany Trump to Attend Georgetown Law School
–– A major Tiff.

Girl survives alligator attack by prying open jaws after sticking fingers in its nostrils
–– Scent of SweeTarts made it recoil.

Workers remodeling Ted Bundy's childhood home report strange occurrences
–– Adding dead space in attic.

Russia rolled out air defense systems built to operate in sub-zero Arctic conditions at a Red Square military parade
–– Preparing for Really Cold War.

Iowa Republican Flees Reporter's Questions on on Funding After Voting for GOP Health Bill
–– Spinelessness pre-existing condition.

JAMIE DIMON: There is a 'national catastrophe' and 'we should be ringing the alarm bells'
–– Deregulation of banks like Chase.

Owners of dead giant rabbit want United to pay up
–– Demand 14 carrot gold.

South Korea election: Exit poll points to Moon Jae-in win
–– Voters not over the Moon.

Bristol Palin and husband welcome new baby
–– To be raised by wolves.

Mexico was second deadliest country in 2016
–– Will kill for top spot.

Richard Simmons sues tabloids over sex change stories
–– Denies his lede was cut.

Irish beach reappears 33 years after being washed away
–– On epic bender.

Condoleezza Rice: Trump team ‘doing as well as anybody could’ on North Korea
–– ‘Anybody’ meaning ‘I.’

Lawmakers unveil bill to ban school lunch shaming
–– To protect selves when they cut programs.

Spirit Airlines cancels flight, passenger brawl breaks out
–– That’s the Spirit!

Sally Yates says she warned White House that Flynn was a blackmail risk
–– Trump: 'He had golden shower special, too?'

Obama warned Trump about hiring Flynn, sources say
–– Advice fell on deaf and dumb ears.

How the White House Explains Waiting 18 Days to Fire Michael Flynn
–– Trump: ‘I wish I knew how to quit you.’

Toobin: If not for leaks, Flynn could still have job
–– He’s not talking Russian hookers again, is he?

Bill Clinton and James Patterson are writing a novel
–– An oral history?

Bumble Bee agrees to plead guilty in tuna price fixing scheme
–– In sting operation.

Anti-vaccine groups blamed in Minnesota measles outbreak
–– Just the vaxx, ma'am.

Cop fired after acting out scene from 'Training Day'
–– Nominated for Razzie Award.

Pruitt removes scientists from key EPA board
–– Replaces with cannister of CO2, Hummer, 2 tons of cow manure.

A Republican Principle Is Shed in the Fight on Health Care
–– There was one left?

Long-Awaited Miami Science Museum Comes to Life
–– With biggest meth lab in North America.

In Disposable Mucus Houses, These Zooplankton Filter the Oceans
–– Spitting distance.

Geniuses Wanted: NASA Challenges Coders to Speed Up Its Supercomputer
–– Alien life forms need not apply.

Aunt Jemima frozen pancakes, waffles and French toast recalled
–– Causes flap, Jack.

In angry letter, Page discloses 'brief interactions' with Russian official
–– ‘I even cut out foreplay, which is my thing.’

‘I’m thinking slowly and thoroughly' says Novak Djokovic while revealing criteria for next coach
–- Thought it was sound of rusty metal sign creaking in wind.

La La Anthony: ‘My Family and God’ Are ‘My Strength’ Following Split From Carmelo Anthony
–– Well, La-La-di-dah.

Iran defence minister threatens to annihilate Saudi Arabia except for Mecca and Medina
–– Which will make for easier Hadjj.

Tensions rise as New Orleans prepares to topple Confederate monuments
–– The South will raze again.

Gov. Abbott signs bill to ban sanctuary cities in Texas
–– And taco curfew.

GOP Governor Laughs At GOP Plan For People With Pre-Existing Conditions
–– More like evil cackle.

Paul Ryan says 'you cannot be denied coverage if you have a pre-existing condition' under the AHCA
–– Figures outright lies work for Trump.

‘The Leftovers': Four Ways the Series Could End
–– 1. Not soon enough.

Brigitte Trogneux: From Macron's teacher to France's first lady
–– GILF complex.

Michael Moore Calls for Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson to Run for President
–– Wants to Rock the vote.

GOP congressman: "Nobody dies because they don't have access to health care"
–– The Hypocritic Oath.

’13 Reasons Why’ Renewed for a Second Season at Netflix
–– Subtitled Dead Again.

NYPD cop stabbed in his Queens home during party for daughter’s First Communion
–– Did not ask anyone to drink blood.

Texas judge reprimanded for 'tree and a rope' social media post, must complete racial sensitivity training
–– Black defendant hanging on every word.

Africa wealth report: Millionaire island Mauritius is home of the elite
–– More riches.

Nepal man, 85, dies trying to become oldest Everest climber
–– Achieved Ever Rest.

Conrad Hilton Arrested on Charges of Grand Theft Auto and Restraining Order Violation
–– Police Chief: ‘Be my guest.’

Meet the mysterious 35-year-old In-N-Out heiress who just became one of the youngest billionaires in America
–– That’s one wealthy porn star.

Dennis Rodman claims North Korea's leader Kim Jong-un told him 'I don't want to bomb anyone'
–– What a relief!

Stephen Fry faces blasphemy probe after God comments
–– What’d He say?

The single best type of exercise for your brain, according to scientists
–– Mind benders.

Why Hillary's Trump Resistance Group Smells Like a Scandal
–– And this smells like Fox ‘report’.

Here’s why Congress exempted itself from the new healthcare bill
–– Because even they are not that stupid.

Aaron Hernandez's life in prison: Fights, blocked doors, and a metal shiv
–– And hanging out.

US federal staff being forced to watch Fox News instead of CNN, leaked email suggests
–– So dope regulates FDA?

Kushner family pitches U.S. visas for $500,000 investment at event in Beijing
–– With $600,000 you get eggroll.

Jared Kushner’s Sister Highlights Family Ties in Pitch to Chinese Investors
–– ‘Honorable brother is silent round-eye with smile of one who releases wind and has ear of orange Mandarin.’

Kushner family apologizes for mentioning White House adviser Jared Kushner
–– 'Hee-hee, JK, LOL.'

3 views: Is Colbert's off-color Trump joke a firing offense?
–– Next stupid question.

82 Chibok schoolgirls released in Nigeria
–– Trump doesn’t even bother to take credit.

Marilyn Lewis, Co-Founder of Hamburger Hamlet, Kate Mantilini Restaurants, Dies at 87
–– Hamburger Hamlet greatest play set in fast food joint.

MTV Awards go genderless
–– Already lacked balls.


MUTUALLY INSURED DESTRUCTION
Week of 05/05/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

GOP bill says it covers pre-existing conditions. But some are worried sick
–– Can’t believe everything stack of paper tells you.

How the GOP health care plan differs from Obamacare
–– One is actual plan.

Democrats Taunt Republicans With ‘Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye’ During Health Vote
–– Nah, nah, nah, nah is Republicans' line!

James Comey Says He’s ‘Mildly Nauseous’ at Suggestions He Swayed Election
–– He sets barf pretty low.

Obamacare repeal would give wealthy even more of a tax break
–– Your mild nausea will not be covered.

Trump said Australia's healthcare is better, and Bernie Sanders can't stop laughing
–– Dundee’s pre-existing scaliness fully covered.

Trump Army secretary pick gave a lecture arguing against the theory of evolution
–– Cites president as evidence.

Mark Green withdraws his nomination for Army secretary
–– Wasn't natural selection.

Senate Asks Trump Associates for Records of Communication With Russians
–– Including Michael Flynn's cover of From Russia With Love.

Stephen Hawking now says humanity has only about 100 years to escape Earth
–– In that chair, he better get started now.

What ‘Game of Thrones’ spinoffs mean for George R.R. Martin’s books
–– Absolves you of all responsibility to read them.

Rand Paul asks if he was spied on by Obama
–– Wondering if anyone knew he ran for president.

White House fires its chief usher — the first woman in that job
–– WH: “It wasn’t the femaleness. It wasn’t the non-whiteness. It was the lack of hotness.”

Why the Hells Angels Threatened to Kill Roger Corman
–– Even bikers have taste.

Trump signs order seeking to allow churches to engage in more political activity
–– Looking to altar politics.

Trump Likely to Be Most Mocked President by Late Night, Study Finds
–– Study by any slob on couch with remote.

The Amazing Story of KISS Guitarist Paul Stanley’s Missing Ear, and the Doctor Who Reconstructed It
–– Fled after hearing Rock and Roll All Nite.

North Korea claims US 'biochemical' plot to kill Kim Jong Un
–– Kimchee gas attack at banquet.

‘Marvel’s Inhumans’ Costumes Draw Jeers: ‘Discount Halloween Store,’ ‘Walmart’
–– Black Balled.

‘Walking Dead' actor quits social media after viewers send him death threats
–– Weren't they redundant?

What a legal drug that kills more Americans than heroin does to your mind and body
–– What headlines like this does to your soul.

How America's faithless president became a defender of the Christian faithful
–– It's slap in the faith.

World’s 'heaviest woman' shifts to Abu Dhabi hospital after row over her weight loss in India
–– Rolled and floated 1,200 miles.

Komodo Dragon Bites Tourist in First Attack on Humans in Five Years
–– Had a yen for 'stupid.'

Donald Trump is 'worse than any horror story I've written', says Stephen King
–– But could be entitled Misery.

Barack Obama snorted cocaine and considered a gay fling, new biography claims
–– Head, lines.

Police say a teacher took field trip money to buy heroin and had needles in her purse
–– Trip was to shooting gallery.

With maiden jet flight, China enters dog-fight with Boeing, Airbus
–– Boeing hires Snoopy as flying ace.

Dog with deformity gets fairy tale adoption after he's the last one to be adopted at shelter
–– By ogre.

Miley Cyrus Explains Why She Decided to Get Completely Clean and Stop Smoking Weed
–– By Googling her name and clicking Images.

The decision Bill Clinton made that cost Hillary the election
–– To serve as president in country capable of electing Trump.

Father and daughter found guilty of killing neighbour after she burst a football that landed in her garden
–– Worst football story since Deflategate.

Armed customer kills man who allegedly shot Texas bar employee to death
–– Was Two-Shots-for-One Special Night.

George Will: Trump disabled by inability to think, speak clearly
–– Disability shared by 62 million American voters.

A drug dealer got a life sentence and was devastated. So was the judge who sentenced him.
–– Was his supplier.

This teen made her dachshund a matching prom dress, and they both look like queens
–– If you’re a wiener.

California Family With 2 Toddlers Booted From Delta Flight
–– Tykes bootied.

Why aren't women riding for roses at the Kentucky Derby?
–– Prefer petunias.

Jeff Sessions hearing: Activist's giggle leads to conviction
–– You know how Sessions feels about sniggers.

Ivanka Trump Look Tops Among Plastic Surgery Patients, Surgeons Say
–– And anal bleachers.

Hollywood’s Hot Plastic Surgery Trend for Men: “Tie Tucks” to Tighten Jaws
–– Trump needs tie surgically implanted below belt line.

Kurt Russell Reveals the Hungover Pickup Line He Used on Goldie Hawn
–– 'Can you stop that incessant cackling?'

Daliah Lavi, 'Casino Royale' and 'The Silencers' Star, Dies at 74
–– Lavi-dovey.

Beyond Rocket Raccoon: Bill Mantlo's Often Overlooked Comic Book Career
–– Not often enough.

Stephen Colbert Defends Trump Jokes That Sparked #FireColbert Backlash
–– Loathe means never having to say you're sorry.

FCC is reviewing complaints about Colbert's Trump jokes. But that's its job
–– Like it vetted Trump's slanderous lies.

Matt Lauer: Trump Doesn't Hate the Media and Here's Why
–– Talk about a ‘cock holster.’

Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski are engaged
–– Morning joke.

Trump to sign executive order to 'vigorously promote religious liberty'
–– Like priest hitting on choirboy.

Liam Neeson 'taken' by free food offer
–– Has particular set of skillets.

‘SNL’ Alum Joe Piscopo Pulls Bid for New Jersey Governor
–– Out from under self in pratfall.

Steve Bannon's White House whiteboard revealed
–– Blackboard tased, beaten, stuck in corner.

American Airlines is cutting more legroom in economy class
–– Why not trim legs?

Experts warn of increases in tick-borne Powassan virus
–– Expect uptick.

Jane Goodall has some advice for Ivanka Trump
–– ‘Be careful when standing next to raging male apes.’

Trump goes home for a New York minute
–– New York doesn’t want seconds.

Funeral home refused to cremate gay man, lawsuit alleges
–– Ashholes.

Hillary Clinton slams 'groups of men' trying to strip away women's health protections
–– No balls, but I guess they're men.

UK royals seek $1.6 million over topless Kate photos
–– $550,000 per.

Trump repeats that he's open to meeting Kim Jong Un, says he 'would be honored to do it'
–– For him, it would be honor.

Ivanka Trump's book is being promoted by the government-funded broadcaster Voice of America
–– Between new shows Duterte Little Secrets and Putin Us Back to Work.

Joe Scarborough frets about Trump's mental state, compares him to his mother with dementia
–– Mother sends note: ‘Up yours, ungrateful asshole. xoxo’

Desperate note from Chinese 'sweatshop slave' found in purse bought in Walmart
–– Walmart employee writes back: 'Tell me about it.'

White House Scrambling After Donald Trump Aborts Interview Over “I Don’t Stand By Anything” Wiretap Remark
–– Caught himself telling truth.

Surfer found alive, clinging to board after 32 hours at sea
–– Totally waxed.

Cabinet secretary: US strike in Syria 'was in lieu of after-dinner entertainment'
–– Lions never showed up to eat poor people.

Donald Trump: Our country needs a good 'shutdown,' suggests Senate rule change
–– As does his mouth.

$61 million set to be approved for Trump family security
–– No amount of money can protect us from them.

Adam Jones Subjected to Racist Insults, Peanuts Thrown at Him at Fenway Park
–– Red Sux Nation.

CC Sabathia Details Racist Experiences in Boston After Adam Jones Incident
–– Boston Strom.

Fox News Co-President Bill Shine Out, Suzanne Scott to Head Programming
–– Where the sun don't Shine.

Trump says China could have hacked Democratic emails
–– President promotes recycling…manure.

New Fox News Lawsuit Claims Host Was Taken Off Air Over Endometriosis Story
–– Bosses accused her of being ovary sensitive.

Jared Kushner’s Hair is Starting to Look Like Donald Trump’s
–– Dying and braiding pubes.

Barbra Streisand: Sexism Cost Me Multiple Oscar Nominations
–– Never knew sexism had taste.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin Promotes Trump Tax Plan: ‘We’re All on the Same Page’
–– ‘Her name is Bree.’

Oliver Stone's Putin Interviews to Air on Showtime
–– Sequel to House of Lies.

Emmanuel Macron's presidential campaign hacked, officials say
–– Even his oui-mail.

French Presidential Candidate Bans Kremlin's RT, Sputnik From Campaign Headquarters
–– They redefine hack writers.

Ryan Seacrest on Co-Hosting ‘Live’: ‘I Love the Adrenaline’
–– Being paid in glandular secretions.

Sources: Sebastian Gorka to leave White House
–– Was Gorkaward.

Turkey Purges 4,000 More Officials, and Blocks Wikipedia
–– Has Bullymia.

President Trump reads 'The Snake'
–– Latest slang for penile exam.

US-led strikes against ISIS have killed at least 352 civilians, Pentagon says
–– Which sounds like crISIS.

Kelly Ripa teases the end of her hunt for a co-host
–– Exciting three people paid to give shit.

Is sushi healthy?
–– For worms in your gut?

Michelle Obama says she won't run for office
–– Proving she's too sane to be President.

Parishioners survive tornado inside church 'by the grace of God'
–– Who was off enjoying flying cows.

Hasan Minhaj Blasts POTUS at White House Correspondents' Dinner: "Trump is Liar-in-Chief"
–– Whoa, that had to sting.

Head Transplants: Sergio Canavero Says First Patient Will Be Chinese National, Not Valery Spiridonov
–– After docs' skull session.

Elizabeth Warren Shoots Bill Maher Side-Eye When He Teases ‘They Don’t Like You, Pocahontas’
–– Warren: 'So Sioux me!'

Hard times for Whole Foods: 'People say it's for pretentious people. I can see why'
–– 'Not just kebabs have sticks up their asses.'

Two members of alt-right accused of making white supremacist hand signs in White House after receiving press passes
–– Bannon responds with smoke signal.

Thomas Forkner, Waffle House Co-Founder, Dies at 98
–– Ruled with iron fist.

U.S. Confirms It Will Pay for Antimissile System, South Korea Says
–– And send bill to Mexico.

Trump’s ‘Very Friendly’ Talk With Duterte Stuns Aides and Critics Alike
–– With cattle prod Filippino strongman lent him.

Trump Invites Rodrigo Duterte to the White House
–– Death squad entourage will stay at Trump Int'l Hotel.

Trump rallies his base on his 100th day
–– With dinner bell, dog food.

Trump Savages News Media at Rally to Mark His 100th Day
–– After savaging nation.

EPA removes climate change information from website
–– Changes name to Excrement Protection Agency.

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