Donkey Bunch
Week of 03/29/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Biden raises $25 million in ‘historic’ fundraiser with Obama, Clinton
–– Joe's Gramp prize.
'Make America pray again': Trump reveals he is selling Bibles
–– Trump preys again.
Trump wins partial stay of fraud judgment, allowed to post $175 million
–– Hovering like Hindenburg above law.
Eric Trump says he was laughed at while attempting to secure his dad's $454 million bond
–– And as he entered office, dropped, phone, opened mouth.
Joe Biden, Obama and Pelosi warn against Trump's push to repeal Affordable Care Act
–– Raise health.
I'm not voting for Trump or Biden. You want my vote? Choose better candidates.
–– Sounds like we need better voters.
Trump’s Truth Social is now a public company. Experts warn its multibillion-dollar valuation defies logic
–– Like its content.
Trump’s social media company soars in its first day of trading on Nasdaq
–– On unbelievable quantities of pure gas.
Qatari royal invested about $50 million in pro-Trump network Newsmax
–– His Trump card: endless supply of rich scumbags.
Trump indicates he'd testify in hush money trial, says a conviction could 'make me more popular’
–– Second Trump card: and poor dumb ones.
Lee Greenwood hits back at critics of ‘God Bless the USA’ Bible sales: ‘Trump haters’
-– Who hate song and you, too.
Trump slow to invest in states that could decide election as some in GOP fear 'skeleton' campaign
–– Fronted by death’s head.
“This is insane”: RNC reportedly makes Trump’s false election claims a “litmus test” for new hires
–– Hirees must be false positive.
Georgia Republican official and outspoken election denier caught voting illegally 9 times
–– Trying to make case there was cheating.
Newly released transcripts reveal a MAGA betrayal: Donald Trump never cared about Ashli Babbitt
–– But only because she was human being.
Trump ally Clark attempted 'coup' at US Justice Dept, ethics counsel says
–– But kept pronouncing it coop, was referred to Agriculture.
Jim Jordan Mocked For Claiming 'No One Backs The Blue' More Than Trump
–– 'But I've never seen anyone pay off cops more handsomely.'
After Trump attacks hush money judge’s daughter, DA seeks broader gag order
–– Trump behavior usually induces some level of gagging.
Fani Willis doubles down after Nathan Wade scandal, warns 'train is coming’
–– Should’ve been 6am out of Atlanta for her.
Rudy Giuliani says forcing him to sell Florida condo could make him ‘join the ranks of the homeless’
–– That’s unhoused, Rudy.
Aaron Rodgers not chosen as vice presidential running mate of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
–– Ultimately deemed ‘insufficiently silly.’
Who is Nicole Shanahan, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s pick for running mate?
–– A joke?
Erin Hawley: The Woman Arguing Against the Abortion Pill
–– Seen barking at mifepristone pills at CVS.
Johnson informs Schumer he will send Mayorkas impeachment articles to Senate on April 10
–– Missing April Fool’s Day deadline.
Here’s Just How Stupid Tommy Tuberville’s Military Blockade Really Was
–– We broke stupid meter trying to measure it.
Texas AG Ken Paxton makes deal to avoid felony securities trial
–– Demonstrating he actually does understand certain state laws.
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signs bill that bans children under 14 from having social media accounts
–– Only decent move made in 5 years.
DeSantis eliminates 'squatters' rights' in Florida, gives power to cops to remove offenders
–– Continues to do squat.
Baltimore Key Bridge collapses; rescuers search for people in water
–– Wreckage becomes temporary key.
Owner of ship that crashed into Baltimore bridge will likely try to invoke 1851 law used to cap damages after Titanic disaster
–– Should ice it.
“Submoronic pratfall of a human": "The Wire" creator slams MTG over Baltimore bridge conspiracy
–– Wire cutter.
Russian diplomat says US didn't pass along 'concrete' info before attack
–– To FSB blockheads.
Terror suspects appear in court in Russia showing signs of torture and abuse
–– Or were they just really tired?
Russia Promotes Evidence-Free Claim That Ukraine Was Behind Attack
–– Corrupt petrostate says it just 'knows it in my heart.'
Israel cancels diplomatic visit to U.S. after U.N. vote demanding cease-fire
–– State Department puts rugelach in freezer.
A Pivot to China Saved Elon Musk. It Also Binds Him to Beijing.
–– Or maybe he just loves thugs.
India reacts sharply to U.S. criticism over democracy and rights
–– Sends Shiva down spine.
Colombia expels Argentine diplomats after Milei calls Petro ‘terrorist murderer’ in CNN interview
–– But he said in nicest way possible.
Lara Trump drops single, teases future songs for ‘liberal media’
–– You’ll drop it, too.
After landing a job at NBC, former RNC chair Ronna McDaniel finally admits Biden won the 2020 election 'fair and square'
–– 'Whatever those words mean.'
’Our bosses owe you an apology': NBC anchor bashes network on air for hiring former RNC chair
–– Todd: 'Chuck!'
NBC reverses decision to hire Ronna McDaniel after on-air backlash
–– Crotch and release.
–– For reboot of Orange is the New Black?
Diddy Captured Anxiously Pacing at Miami Airport Following Raids on 2 Residences
–– Is pacing criminal offense?
What Authorities Found in Raids at Sean "Diddy" Combs' Home
–– So many combs.
Is Kevin Hart funny?
–– We hear idiots laughing.
Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s Charity to Close After Oscars Slap: Donations Sink; Thousands Spent on Elusive Mental Health Orgs and Overdrawn Bank Fees (EXCLUSIVE)
–– And not penny for anger management.
‘Quiet on Set’ alleges a ‘dark underbelly’ at Nickelodeon
–– Dan Schneider’s would’ve cast long shadow.
Olivia Colman on Pay Disparity in Hollywood: “If I Was Oliver Colman, I’d Be Earning a F*** of a Lot More”
–– Yeah, but he’s better actor.
Jake Gyllenhaal Says It’s ‘Pretty Cool’ That Christopher Nolan Personally Called to Say He Lost Batman Role: It Motivated Me to ‘Just Keep Going’
–– To unemployment office.
‘Euphoria’ Season 3 Filming Delayed, Cast Can “Pursue Other Opportunities”
–– To humiliate selves.
Aaron Taylor-Johnson's Wife (And His Two-Time Director), Sam, Had A Bold Response To That Him Report Of Becoming The Next Bond
–– With editor’s blue pencil, we hope.
–– Will that actully fit on marquee?
Rebel Wilson lost her virginity at 35. That's nothing to be ashamed about.
–– Don't celi-bait her.
Rebel Wilson Alleges Sacha Baron Cohen Asked Her to Stick Finger in His Butt
–– She refused to stick up for him.
Britney Spears says she’s ‘having a hard time understanding English’ in bizarre Instagram post
–– Media having hard time understanding mental illness?
Anne Hathaway on Tuning Out the Haters and Embracing Her True Self
–– Which she's not crazy about.
Michael Jackson's 3 Children Make Rare Appearance Together at 'MJ: The Musical' Red Carpet
–– Spooky how they all look so much like dear old dad.
Stockard Channing Says 'Chemistry' with Costar Will Smith on “Six Degrees of Separation” Was 'Very Motherly’
–– So who slapped who?
Barbara Corcoran and Her Husband Sleep in 'Separate Bedrooms' to Keep the 'Sexiness' Alive in 35-Year Marriage
–– With members of service staff!
Nelson Peltz Criticizes Disney’s “Woke” Film Strategy With ‘Black Panther,’ ‘Marvels’
–– Black Panther made $1.34 bil, Captain Amnesia.
‘Dune 2’ Criticized for Lack of Middle Eastern and North African Inclusion and Influences: ‘A Missed Opportunity’
–– And why didn’t they hire more native Arrakisians?
Mel Brooks Recalls Trying to Help Gene Wilder with His Memory After Alzheimer's Diagnosis: 'It Was So Sad’
–– ‘Except forgetting The Frisco Kid.’
'Yellowstone' star Forrie J. Smith says he was 'kicked off' flight for refusing to sit next to masked passenger
–– The Lone Ranger!
Opinion | New Beyoncé album is a welcome-back-to-country gift to Black Americans
–– They were abroad?
Beyoncé Is Officially in Her Country Era—and She's Got the Assless Chaps to Prove It
–– Look little saddle trampy.
Lizzo Embraces ‘Body Neutrality’
–– With lots of Swiss cheese.
With Catherine’s cancer diagnosis, the royals must do more with less
–– Best to her, but we’re supposed to give shit about other layabouts’ workload?
Prince Edward Set to Become the Royal Family’s Temporary Leading Man, Report Says
–– So monarchy now officially farce.
Why King Charles Won't Be Seated With the Other Royals at Easter
–– He always steals roasted potatoes.
’Bite of the night’: UFC fighter Igor Severino disqualified for biting opponent Andre Lima
–– Won't be world chomp.
USWNT's Korbin Albert apologizes after Megan Rapinoe calls out anti-LGBTQ social media content
–– Shit kicker.
Travis Kelce Is in His "Dad Bod" Era — and Apparently, Taylor Swift is Loving It
–– Like most dad’s could be NFL tight end.
How and why to look at Pierre Bonnard, one of the great modern painters
–– When and what?
Who was Mary Magdalene? Historians are still trying to figure that out
–– Whore not.
Pope Francis breaks with tradition in annual ritual by washing the feet of women only
–– Men's gross him out.
A Filipino villager is nailed to a cross for the 35th time on Good Friday to pray for world peace
–– But has trouble putting hands together.
Why School Absences Have ‘Exploded’ Almost Everywhere
–– Prevalence of M-80s?
Why middle names might reveal more than you think
–– We were interested initially.
Don’t want sex at the same time as your partner? Try this technique instead
–– We can handle it.
NYC woman suffers broken jaw when randomly punched while walking down street
–– New York's potential swing state.
Bethenny Frankel Says She Was Randomly Attacked amid 'Insane' N.Y.C. Punching Trend — Then Deletes Her Comment
–– Spiked punch?
NYC’s worst landlord 'is punched in the face after arriving at Rikers Island to begin 60 day sentence for making tenants live in rat and roach-infested hellhole apartments
–– Lettor rip.
Man Killed by No. 4 Train After Being Pushed Onto Subway Tracks
–– Perpetrator of which we, the NY Times, will not show you, lest you get wrong idea.
He killed a man 26 years ago in Missouri. His husband secretly worked with investigators to get a confession
–– We smell a trial separation.
An indicted Tennessee judge is sent to jail after her bond is revoked for positive cocaine tests
–– Committed high crimes?
Robotic police dog shot multiple times, credited with avoiding potential bloodshed
–– Amidst hydraulicfluidshed.
Brothers did ‘everything by the book’ in mountain lion attack, California wildlife experts say
–– Entitled, How Not to Live Past 21.
Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun to step down in wake of ongoing safety problems
–– Out of cabin without parachute.
Texas man walked onto a Delta flight without a ticket, gets caught outside the restroom
–– Or arrestroom.
Why is my gas so smelly? Gender, diet and plane rides can play a role.
–– Remind us when we come to.
A Woman Jumped Into an Icy River to Save Her Dog. Her Family Says Her Body Was Found Holding the Pet
–– That had frozen bone in teeth.
Jane Goodall Is More of a Dog Person, Actually
–– Chimp, ‘I knew it!’
Chick-fil-A will stop using its ‘no antibiotics ever’ label on chicken
–– Will replace with ’locally-sourced antibiotics only.’
To Live Past 100, Mangia a Lot Less: Italian Expert’s Ideas on Aging
–– So you can slurp gruel last 20 years of life.
The genius Roman creations that still amaze us today
–– And dumb ones we can actually afford to visit.
Remains of an ancient dinner still sit in a Bronze Age village 2,850 years later
–– With skeleton of infuriated wife tapping foot over late husband.
See The Face of Emperor Wu, a Sixth-Century Chinese Ruler Brought to Life with DNA Analysis
–– You mean ‘ol pencil neck?
Rare Eyewitness Sketch of American Revolutionaries Found Hanging in a Collector's Bedroom
–– What was their crime?
Archaeologists are now finding microplastics in ancient remains
–– Giving them that modern flair that screams, 'Today!'
Everest climbers will have to take their poop away with them, as Nepal tries to address growing waste problem
–– New opportunity for potty porters.
First cars, now trucks: Biden takes aim at tailpipe pollution
–– Finds exhausting.
Melting Polar Ice Sheets Are Slowing Earth's Rotation. That Could Change How We Keep Time
–– Or if it's even worth it.
Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos dead at 94
-– Traded to Angels.
Ron Harper, ‘Land of the Lost’ and ‘Planet of the Apes’ Actor, Dies at 91
–– Buried in paper bag he could not act way out of.
Maurizio Pollini, Celebrated Pianist Who Defined Modernism, Dies at 82
–– The trill is gone.
Louis Gossett Jr., 87, Dies; ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ and ‘Roots’ Actor
–– Roots out.
