Shit Bagged
Week of 12/29/23
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Donald Trump removed from Maine primary ballot by secretary of state
–– Maine squeeze.
Jack Smith is still grinding
–– We missed his strip show.
Michigan Supreme Court allows Trump to appear on 2024 primary ballot
–– With party affiliation 💩.
’We Are Not Equipped to Deal With This.’ Migrant Surge Overwhelms U.S. Border
–– You are not equipped to regulate Santa, elves migrating from North.
Justice Dept. Threatens to Sue Texas Over Migrant Arrest Law
–– Texas: 'Dang! 'Least we took out the drawn and quartered part.'
Michael Cohen used fake cases created by AI in bid to end his probation
–– In old days he'd just make up out of head.
What Went Wrong for Ron DeSantis in 2023
–– Clue in ‘DeSantis.’
White House love stories: How the Bidens, Trumps and other presidential couples describe their marriages
–– Biden, Obama, Bush, Clinton, Trump: four weddings and a funeral.
Melania Trump’s Absence From Trump Family Christmas Photo Raises Concerns
–– That this is seriously slow news week.
Trump angrily denies claim he forced his way into ‘Home Alone 2’ cameo
–– Won't admit to bribing MacCaualy Culkin with Eric's Hot Wheels collection.
GOP expands impeachment probe into Hunter Biden's defiance of subpoenas
–– To include times he forged parents' signatures on grade school report cards.
House GOP request documents on Biden's involvement in Hunter Biden defying subpoena
–– Pleads with WH to give them absolutely any excuse to continue charade.
Nikki Haley declines to say slavery was cause of US civil war
–– Causes chains reaction.
Nikki Haley defends leaving slavery out as cause of Civil War after backlash
–– Auction blockhead.
9-year-old asks Nikki Haley if she would pardon former President Trump, ‘I would’
–– Proving she's still his slave.
Ramaswamy campaign halts TV ad spending, calling it ineffective
–– Or highly effective at capturing ineffectiveness?
Ohio’s GOP governor vetoes ban on gender-affirming care and transgender athletes in girls' sports
–– Offers trans substantiation.
Lauren Boebert, Far-Right Firebrand, Is Switching House Districts in Colorado
–– If it first you don't suck seed…
Judge rejects Democratic Sen. Bob Menendez's request to delay his May bribery trial for two months
–– Doesn’t want any goldbricking.
Judge upholds Republican-drawn Georgia congressional map
–– Drawn on back of Klan leaflet.
Nebraska governor stands firm on rejection of federal money to feed food-insecure children
–– Hungry kids: 'Eat me!'
U.S. struggles to revive Palestinian Authority for post-war Gaza role
–– Smelling salts not working.
In Campus Protests Over Gaza, Echoes of Outcry Over Vietnam
–– Just way, way more ignorant.
Songs of grief and defiance fuel Arab solidarity for Palestinians
–– Arab nations all warm and fuzzy until asked to take them in.
Biden administration announces $250 million Ukraine military assistance package as US exhausts available funding
–– Funding needs vacay in Gaza.
Russian Strike on Ukraine Sent Warhead Through Polish Airspace, Warsaw Says
–– Without even stopping to say privet.
Missing Russian dissident Navalny located in penal colony in Siberia
–– Under pile of laundry.
Russian opposition politician Ksenia Fadeeva sentenced to 9 years in prison
–– To appear on primary pallet.
Kremlin says it has list of Western assets to be seized if Russian assets are confiscated
–– Colluders might lose it?
China’s Xi claims ‘reunification’ with Taiwan is ‘inevitable’ as crucial election looms
–– Like scum rising in East.
Kim Jong Un Set to Helm Key 2024 Policy Meeting at the Peak of His Powers
–– Except mental, physical ones.
US retaliates in Iraq after three US troops wounded in attack
–– Y'know, from country we already left.
Ethiopia Fails to Pay Coupon, Becoming Latest African Defaulter
–– Add as a booboo.
Argentina formally announces it won't join the BRICS alliance in Milei's latest policy shift
–– Milei firmly with PRICS.
Shohei Ohtani sends Ashley Kelly, wife of Dodgers reliever Joe, a Porsche as thank you for husband's jersey number
–– Where does he find the cash?
Chickasaw Woman Places Second for Miss Health and Fitness 2023
–– Chick I saw?
India targets Apple over its phone hacking notifications
–– Wants to put in sleep Modi.
Apple is no longer selling the newest Apple Watch in America after the White House declines to overturn ban
–– Tim Cook’s sends SOS: It looks like you’ve taken a hard fall.
Think your credit card rate is high? Some in Brazil pay 455 percent.
–– So relocate, fall into deeper debt, feel better?
The New York Times Sues OpenAI, Microsoft for Copyright Infringement Claiming ‘Billions of Dollars’ in Damages
–– "Which we'll happily share with all the contributors that produced the content you've stolen."
Steve Ballmer is set to make $1 billion a year for doing nothing
–– Microsoft would pay twice that to keep him away.
Kennedy Center Honors was a night of massive stars
–– If you don't know meaning of 'massive, 'stars'.
One Akira Kurosawa Movie Proved to be the Greatest Inspiration for Star Wars
–– Japan's greatest director's proudest achievement.
Christopher Nolan: ‘There’s No Superhero Science-Fiction Film Coming Out These Days Where I Don’t See’ Zack Snyder’s Influence
–– Except decent ones influenced by James Gunn.
Hannah Waddingham Spent Five Days on ‘Mission: Impossible 8’ Set and Now Can’t Stand Tom Cruise Haters: ‘I Have a Real Problem With Anyone Who Goes At Him’
–– ‘Because I just might be back for 9.’
Everybody Knows Flo From Progressive. Who Is Stephanie Courtney
–– Boy, has Flo been around the block.
Pierce Brosnan cited for walking in thermal areas at Yellowstone Park, court document shows
–– Authorities steamed.
Gary Oldman Disses His 'Harry Potter' Acting as 'Mediocre': 'Maybe if I Read the Books' Like Alan Rickman…'I Would Have Played It Differently’
–– Wasn't serious Black?
Fans Left Divided Over Kelly Ripa’s Holiday Photo With No Pants: ‘Why Is She in Her Underwear?’
–– Her fans can’t figure out it’s lack of pants.
Martha Stewart, 82, Shares a New Thirst Trap: 'Didn't Look So Bad When I Got Up’
–– 'From my coffin.'
Leonardo DiCaprio Should've Played the Cop and Not the 'Idiot' in 'Flower Moon,' Says Paul Schrader: 'Three-and-a-Half Hours in the Company of an Idiot Is a Long Time’
–– Interviewer: 'You're telling me.'
Ricky Gervais Responds to Petition Asking Netflix to Remove Jokes From His New Special: ‘It’s Quite Meaningless’
–– Yes, obviously, the special.
Alice Walker, ‘Color Purple’ Cast Celebrate Shug-Celie Romance in Remake: “We Really Needed to See That Love Is Love”
–– “Among the non-semitic.”
Kevin Spacey and Tucker Carlson Release Bizarre Christmas Video Slamming 2024 Election and ‘House of Cards’: ‘Netflix Exists Because of Me’
–– That's a Spacey meatball!
‘Don’t erase Gérard Depardieu': Artists denounce the 'lynching' of actor accused of rape
–– Is there eraser big enough?
Ye Says He Regrets “Unplanned Outburst” of Antisemitic Statements Ahead of ‘Vultures’ Album Release
–– Yay?
After a Year of Pullback, Podcast Industry Hopes to Regroup In 2024 — With an AI Boost
–– Muzak to our ears.
HGTV Star David Visentin Finally Speaks Out After Hilary Farr's 'Love It or List It' Departure
–– Retitled Love It or Leave It.
The love story that moved Lionel Messi: After her husband died she made sure to fulfill his dream
–– Things got Messi?
N.Y.C. Officials Reassure Revelers Ahead of New Year’s Eve Festivities
–– Nervous revelers can feel balls drop.
Opinion | No, 2023 wasn’t all bad, and here are 23 reasons why not
–– 2) This will probably be last year-in-review piece you'll see.
How to Be Happy Growing Older
–– Controlled forgetfulness.
I’ve spent a decade studying gender and I can tell you: as a woman, ageing sets you free
–– Death even more so.
My Daughter’s Perfect Princess Birthday Party Just Blew Up in My Face
–– Maybe I shouldn’t have had indoor fireworks display.
My shopping addiction left me broke. Then I was diagnosed with ADHD
–– If only I'd bought those whatchamacallits!
I’m a widower, and I’ve lost all confidence – how do I move forward?
–– By continuing to portray self as real catch.
University Chancellor Fired After Making Pornographic Videos With His Wife
–– After entrance exam.
Sen. Graham 'declares war' against NY bill forcing some Chick-fil-A locations to open on Sundays
–– First Chick that got him this excited.
Kitchen hand ‘assaulted with carrot in horrific hazing’ at Michelin restaurant
–– Tip: don’t order veggie platter.
How America’s Diet Is Feeding the Groundwater Crisis
–– Do people haveta eat?
President McKinley Loved Red Flannel Hash – But What The Heck Is It?
–– After he promised to eat shirt.
Pizza Hut Franchises Want You To Think California's New Wage Law Is The Reason It's Laying Off Over 1,000 Delivery Drivers
–– Because it apparently is?
Restaurant known for $5.99 lunches closes Florida locations — including Kendall
–– Now wishes it had raised price to $6.
Study seems to confirm secret ingredient for better coffee
–– Get back to us when it actually does.
How Many Whiskey Bottles Are Made From A Single Barrel
–– None, they’re made of glass.
Costco’s surprise big seller—1-ounce gold bars— are actually ‘one of the worst things that you can ever own,’ critic says
–– Doesn’t take shine to them.
A woman lost her wallet at the movies. It was returned 65 years later.
–– To the wrong person!
Her son was an accused cult leader. She says he was a victim, too.
–– Aren’t we all?
Woman sues West Jordan police alleging wrongful arrest while she was naked in hotel room
–– Muff investigation.
NYPD detectives union yanks support from NYC Council members who backed ‘How Many Stops’ bill
–– Well, there's this one for starters.
Arsonist Ordered to Pay Nearly $300,000 for Damages to Wyoming Abortion Clinic
–– Birthed into flame?
'I come home and my driveway is gone': Florida woman shocked by bizarre theft
–– Has concrete evidence.
Gypsy Rose Blanchard, who pleaded guilty to helping kill her abusive mother, is released from prison
–– And resume career as ecdysiast?
Fishermen spotted something shiny near a creek. It was the first step toward a ‘miracle’
–– Baby Jesus swathed in space blanket!
Denver Zoo officials weren’t sure who fathered a baby orangutan. They asked Maury Povich to reveal the paternity test results
–– And it was him!
Learning to sleep like a bear could save your life
–– And spare mate 4 months of you.
Metal, Fire, ‘Hitting Stuff Hard’: Everybody Wants to Be a Blacksmith Now
–– Except anyone you’ve ever known or heard of.
Watch the moment a cop dressed as Santa busts a drug gang
–– For dealing snow!
A legless lizard and hundreds of other new species were discovered in 2023
–– In latest slang for penis.
How watching beavers from space can help drought-ridden areas bounce back
–– How watching on Pornhub can help flaccid areas.
This Gorilla’s Caregivers Face Familiar Questions About Aging
–– From gorilla!
Metal detectorist stumbles on very rare gold treasure from 2,500 years ago, photos show
–– Tripped on rope-like object lying right in front of him!
Ancient bricks baked when Nebuchadnezzar II was king absorbed a power surge in Earth’s magnetic field
–– Which made them extra-delicious.
Viking Dentistry Was "Surprisingly Advanced", Finds Analysis Of Over 3,000 Teeth
–– Considering they made extractions with Mjölnir.
The Air Force said its nuclear missile capsules were safe. But toxic dangers lurked, documents show
–– This week in oxymorons.
South Korea's so-called artificial sun to burn at 100M degrees Celsius for half a minute
–– Prepare your weinies.
Scientist get a rare look at an iceberg 3 times the size of New York City
–– With furry rats size of ponies.
Champagne stoppers in space: How cork will protect the next spacecraft to visit the Moon
–– What are you popping off about?
A sinking nation is offered an escape route. But there’s a catch.
–– Of the day.
Gaston Glock, Inventor of the Gun That Bears His Name, Dies at 94
–– Glock runs out.
Bill Granger, Chef Who Brought Avocado Toast to the World, Dies at 54
–– Smeared.
Laura Lynch, a Founder of the Dixie Chicks, Dies at 65
–– Chick off.
Tom Smothers, one half of famed comedy duo, dies at 86
–– Smothered.
Simpleton? Genius? Who was Tom Smothers?
–– This is post-mortem appreciation, right?
