Cook Books Recipe
Week of 10/06/23
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump arrives in court to face $250 million trial for New York business fraud
–– Know accounting for bad taste.
RFK Jr.’s Independent Run Has One Big Problem
–– Yeah, him.
Trump’s New York Fraud Trial Kicks Off With News He’ll Be Tried Without a Jury Because His Lawyers Didn’t File the Paperwork for One
–– Because he has no peers North of Hell.
Trump gets kicked off Forbes 400 list of richest Americans
–– Tops Scrooge McDuck list of fictional zillionaires.
Letitia James Says The ‘Trump Show Is Over,’ Calls His Attacks On Her ‘Race-Baiting’
–– What an outrageous anti-racist remark!
Trump Apparently Calls in Massive McDonalds Order to NYC Courthouse
–– Sticks Eric with bill.
Trump says he would prefer to die by electrocution in bizarre campaign rant
-– We like lethal injection for him.
Trump Just Threw A Middle-Of-The-Night Tantrum Over Late Shows Mocking Him
–– Extending evening’s joke fest.
Trump’s Claim of ‘Absolute Immunity” from Jan. 6 Prosecution Is Risible
–– Maybe if he swallowed gallon of bleach.
From the Fringe to the Center of the G.O.P., Jordan Remains a Hard-Liner
–– And soft-brainer.
Liz Cheney Warns On What Jim Jordan Becoming Speaker Could Mean For The Constitution
–– Jordan, ‘What’s that?’
The 12 Most ‘What Did He Just Say?’ Moments From Kevin McCarthy’s Farewell Press Conference
–– 1. Oh, oh, we know. Disingenuous, self-justifying bullshit?
More Speaker Crisis Fallout: Pelosi Is Evicted From Bonus Office
–– After ex-Speaker McCarthy put boots on desk, left ‘biatch’ note.
McCarthy tells GOP lawmakers that House will vote today on effort to oust him as speaker
–– Holding own noose.
Gaetz says he will force vote to oust McCarthy as House speaker
–– Twice, thumb and dick down.
Gaetz hits back at McCarthy claim that critics are ‘not conservatives’
–– ‘You’re a pinko commie, nyah, nyah, nyah!’
Republicans Are So Mad They’re Airing All of Matt Gaetz’s Dirty Laundry
–– Need clothesline that runs length of National Mall.
Greene warns expelling Gaetz ‘will not be tolerated’ by GOP voters
–– Would be like coughing up greenish mucus.
Donald Trump Says He’s Open to Being House Speaker For a ‘Short Period’
–– ‘Something nasty Nancy Pelosi hasn’t had in 50 years.’
Mitch McConnell says House Republicans should get rid of the motion to vacate because it 'makes the Speaker's job impossible’
–– Then makes motion to vacate in own pants.
Trump allegedly discussed US nuclear subs with foreign national after leaving White House: Sources
–– Made whooshing water, sonar ping sounds while describing top-secret capabilities.
Trump would throw food against the wall once or twice a week, former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson says
–– After which Mark Meadows would lick off floor.
Trump Wanted to Fire Missiles at Mexico. Now the G.O.P. Wants to Send Troops.
–– Solution: fire Trump at cartels.
DeSantis goes off on Trump, says we don’t need ‘any more presidents’ who’ve ‘lost the zip on their fastball’
–– How about one who can’t even lob pickle ball over head.
Melania Trump Renegotiates Her Very Large Prenup to Protect Her Very Large Son’s Trust
–– Trump has to throw in 3,000-mile restraining order.
Lara Trump Thinks Radio Stations Won’t Play Her Song Because It’s ‘Too Political’
–– Programmers insist they 'won't back clown.'
Giuliani’s Drinking, Long a Fraught Subject, Has Trump Prosecutors’ Attention
–– Scotch and sotto.
Rudy Giuliani sues Joe Biden for calling him a ‘Russian pawn’
–– ‘I was at least a bishop!’
"I can't pay the lawyers": Mike Lindell's attorneys quit over "millions" in unpaid legal bills
–– Guess all those pillows weren’t stuffed with cash.
‘Jan. 6 choir’ member sentenced to 7 years in Capitol attack
–– Will get to sing for his sucker.
Former Marine dubbed ‘Conan O’Riot’ arrested by FBI for alleged role in Jan. 6 riot
–– Was cheered on by ‘Andy Rectum.’
GOP activist in The Villages accused of forging signature on dead dad’s ballot
–– In crayon.
New Jersey GOP Candidate Who Smeared Poop On Day Care Blames Obama
–– Has crap excuse.
Economy adds 336,000 jobs in September, in a stunning gain
–– Criminal justice system adds 36,000 new motions, in stunning gain for Trump.
Biden administration to build new border barriers, citing safety needs
–– Will get Cuban-American to make U.S. pay for it.
In Mexico, Adams Praised Migrants. He Also Told Them to Stop Coming.
–– He also told them he was Huītzilōpōchtli.
Hunter Biden pleads not guilty to gun, false statement charges
–– Admits he had 'amateur interest' in narcotic stimulants.
Commander Biden Unjustly Booted From the White House
–– After biter pleads not guilty to gum charges.
Bob Menendez’s Wife Gifted Mercedes Benz After Killing Man With Her Car
–– With one X painted on right frontside.
“Crooked as a barrel of fish hooks": Whistleblower accuses Sarah Huckabee Sanders of ethics scandal
–– Sanders one carp you'd throw back.
Newsom Names Emily’s List President as Feinstein Successor
–– Isn’t it just called Emili now?
Bill limiting ballot hand counting in California becomes law; one county pledges to defy statute
–– Counting fingers, stopping at middle one.
GOP congresswoman says she is tired of 'sacrificing' her children to reduce the national debt and threatens to quit if Congress doesn't establish a debt commission
–– Next one to be thrown into volcano.
Judges Order Alabama to Use Congressional Map That Could Flip Seat to Democrats
–– Like a stack of hot hoe cakes!
'There should not be one billionaire in America': Jesse Ventura slams the elite and says nobody works hard enough to earn billions of dollars — how to make your money work for you instead
–– Earth to Jesse –– there are already 756!
Hand grenade fragments were found in the bodies of victims in Prigozhin's plane crash, Putin claims
–– Ha, so it was suicide!
Zelensky’s First Term Is Almost Up. No One’s Sure What Happens Next.
–– But it might include him applying for dog walker position in Bali.
2023 Nobel Peace Prize winner is Narges Mohammadi, Iranian activist
–– Will smuggle to her prison cell.
U.N. Approves Kenya Mission to Haiti
–– Wouldn't zombie army have better odds?
Six Accused of Murdering Ecuadorean Presidential Candidate Are Found Dead
–– In damnedest coincidence.
In this city, the right to own a car starts at $76,000. And that doesn’t include the car
–– Does include seat covers, cup holder.
Golden Globes Hits 300 Voters and 60% Diversity, Adds 11 Members
–– So now awards a woke joke.
‘Exorcist: Believer’ Gets Horrifying Reviews After Studio Gambled $400 Million for Rights
–– Critics asking, ‘What possessed them?’
‘Loki’ EP Explains Why Jonathan Majors’ Arrest Didn’t Affect the Series, Casting Ke Huy Quan and Tom Hiddleston’s MCU Future
–– Because none of it makes sense.
‘Loki’ Puts Plot Over People in a Less Focused Season 2: TV Review
–– Less focused? Did they shoot through hair gel?
‘Rogue One’ Director Says ‘There Is So Much Inaccuracy’ Surrounding Making of ‘Star Wars’ Prequel: ‘We All Worked Together Until the Entire Last Minute’
–– Longest minute on record.
‘The Creator’ Filmmaker Gareth Edwards: “I Don’t Think AI Wants Our Jobs”
–– Not writing, directing sci-fi bombs.
Now That It’s Over, Will Anyone Even Remember ‘Ahsoka’?
–– Forgot individual episodes at credits.
Roy Wood Jr. Exits ‘Daily Show’ as Search for Host Continues
–– Takes self to Wood shed.
Pamela Anderson’s makeup-free look draws praise from Jamie Lee Curtis
–– A new wrinkle.
Sarah Michelle Gellar underwent painful surgery, but she is smiling about it
–– Even after failed attempt to implant acting chops.
Daniel Radcliffe Remembers Dumbledore Actor Michael Gambon: ‘His True Passion Was Restoring 19th-Century Dueling Pistols’
–– Had to pace self.
An Unseen “Love Is Blind” Couple Felt Sparks from Minute 1, Got Engaged and Started Wedding Planning Before Split
–– Unseen? So actually blind?
‘Gen V’ Built a Five-Foot Penis for Superhero Sex Scene, and Creators Break Down That ‘C–ksplosion’
–– In cumming attractions.
Brie Larson Is Giving Major Clueless Energy With Her Latest Sparkly Look, And I'm So Here For It
–– Her acting exudes same energy.
Taylor Swift Concert Film Advance Global Ticket Sales Surpass $100M
–– Proving there’s at least $100M dollars too many in world.
Steven Tyler ‘fractured his larynx,’ rest of Aerosmith’s 2023 farewell tour dates postponed until next year
–– We don’t want to know how.
Stevie Nicks, Fleetwood Mac icon, now has her own mini-me Barbie
–– Called Taylor Swift.
Rick Ross Reveals How Lean Addiction and Multiple Seizures Resulting in Defecating the Bed Led to Him Having to Take Meds Twice a Day
–– And up maid’s salary.
‘I never lived a life I didn’t want to live’: Sly Stone on addiction, ageing and changing music for ever
–– ‘Of course, most of the time, I didn’t know I was alive.’
Jonathan Van Ness tears up in tense Dax Shepard conversation about trans youth: 'I am very tired’
–– His act is.
Bryan Fuller Accused of Sexual Harassment On Set of AMC Networks’ ‘Queer for Fear’
–– Gay for prey.
'Wednesday' Star Has Reportedly Been Completely Written Out Of Season 2 After Sexual Assault Allegations
–– He’s creepy and he's dookie.
Japan’s Johnny Kitagawa Sex Abuse Scandal: 478 Victims Come Forward, Company Rebranding Slammed as “Ridicule”
–– Smile-Up? How about Throw-Up?
Mariah Carey Announces ‘Merry Christmas One and All’ 2023 Tour
–– Or ‘Grinch and Bare It.’
Idris Elba Has Been in Therapy for a Year Due to ‘Workaholic’ Lifestyle: ‘I Work in an Industry’ Where ‘I’m Rewarded for Unhealthy Habits’
–– ‘And crummy projects I’m better than.’
New York Mets GM Billy Eppler resigned amid MLB investigation, source says
–– Into how they went from 101 to 75 wins while spending more money than other team in history.
A painting valued at $15,000 turned out to be by Rembrandt. It could now sell for $18 million
–– Master spinning like windmill in grave.
An Elderly Couple Sold an African Mask to an Antiques Dealer for $157. It Sold at Auction for Millions. Now They Want Compensation
–– Witch doctor threatens with bad juju.
AI was asked to create images of Black African docs treating white kids. How'd it go?
–– Don’t need AI to know.
Bosses want people back in the office, but employees are finding a workaround—it's called 'coffee badging’
–– Isn’t that when you spill cup on blouse?
This WWII-Era Military Sleep Method Could Help You Nod Off in Just 2 Minutes
–– Gun butt to skull.
Extreme Eye Contact and Other Ways of Dating
–– How about extreme eye rolling?
The surprising reason why mammals engage in same-sex mating
–– Will and Grace!
New Way to Prevent S.T.I.s: A Pill After Sex
–– Or saltpeter before.
Adults shouting at children can be as harmful as sexual or physical abuse, study finds
–– Child rapists will be thrilled to hear.
Man returns to Wisconsin Capitol with assault rifle and asks to see Gov. Tony Evers, hours after being arrested for bringing gun inside
–– Evers so slightly.
Man, 77, meant to sell ill-gotten erectile drugs in sprawling Florida retirement community, feds say
–– Charged with drug dealing, possession of concealed weapon.
As police arrived at Sam Bankman-Fried's house, his mom was texting him insisting that he wear long pants to get arrested, instead of his usual cargo shorts
–– ‘And Mr. Big Shot can’t afford a comb?’
Gang removed hundreds of kidneys to sell to wealthy clients, Pakistan police say
–– Curried.
Your Classic Car Is One Authoritarian Politician Away From Being Seized
–– But Trump likes brand-new gas guzzlers.
These new overhead aircraft bins could be an inflight game-changer
–– Fits 4 screaming babies.
Is your dog sad? An expert reveals 3 reasons — and what to do about it
–– 1. You’re an absolute drag. Nothing.
NYC rat emerges from man's hood on drive to country wedding
–– From his car! We were hoping from sweatshirt.
McDonald’s has a new ‘mambo’ sauce. We asked D.C. mumbo experts to weigh in.
–– Mumbo jumbo.
The Proper Way To Eat Bread And Butter At A Restaurant
–– We had to visit ER to have removed from left nostril.
16 Dishes to Make for Someone Going Through a Hard Time
–– Laced with Ecstasy.
You Gorged on Your European Vacation but Lost weight. Why?
–– Food wasn’t in walking distance to couch.
The Girl Scouts are discontinuing a cult-favorite cookie
–– Kool-Aid Killas.
More than 100 dolphins dead in Amazon as water hits 102 degrees Fahrenheit
–– Area restaurants run poached dolphin specials.
More Than 1,000 Birds Collided With a Single Chicago Building in One Night
–– We’d like to resist pejoratives like birdbrain, but…
Banff grizzly bear attack: Uncle reveals chilling final message he received from Canadian couple before deaths
–– Hey, Hey, Hey… pic-a-nic baskets!
Animal Lovers Save Tennessee Bear Cub with Plastic Container Stuck on Head for Nearly 2 Months
–– When Ozempic Rx ran out.
Pleasant surprise greets scientists opening asteroid sample dropped from space
–– Cute wittle baby xenomorph.
Nobel Prize in physics won by trio who created rapid flashes of light to ‘capture the shortest of moments’
–– Equal to average TikTok trend.
Nobel Prize Awarded to Covid Vaccine Pioneers
–– Imagine if it had been actual vaccine.
Jimmy Carter makes surprise appearance on 99th birthday
–– Appears to be alive.
Pennsylvania mummy 'Stoneman Willie' to receive proper burial after 128 years
–– Willie will have own coffin.
Feinstein’s body, accompanied by Pelosi, arrives in California on plane from president’s military fleet
–– In same box?!
Dick Butkus, Fearsome Hall of Fame Linebacker, Is Dead at 80
–– Sacked.
