Headbangers 12/29/23
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Bargain Hunter
Week of 12/08/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Satirical photo-illustration of Uncle Sam as a mostly-naked male stripper with the letters IRS tattooed on his chest twirls his jacket over his head as he smilingly asks, 'Hey, Big Guy, got any scratch for Uncle Sugar?' to Hunter  Biden who's exiting to the left from the front row.Hunter Biden charged with nine criminal counts for allegedly failing to pay taxes
–– Five counts of not sharing stash with investigators.

Civil Order Is Breaking Down in Gaza, U.N. Warns
–– Used to be just like Switzerland.

Hunter Biden's tax indictment: Drugs, escorts and girlfriends
–– Was gentleman: misappropriated more for girlfriends.

Biden Says ‘I’m Not Sure I’d Be Running’ if Not for Trump
–– ‘Or ‘walking stiffly’.’

Biden’s prescription for 2024 turnaround will include major health care focus
–– Will need to turn around voters’ heads screwed on backwards.

Kamala Harris Breaks Record of Tiebreaking Votes in the Senate
–– Finally has second line for obit.

Speaker Mike Johnson says he thinks he has the votes to authorize Biden impeachment inquiry
–– GOP version of Fantasy Political Football.

White House: Johnson ‘throwing red meat’ to Greene by pushing House vote on Biden impeachment inquiry
–– Was sure to first inject with ketamine.

Mentors, Senate rebels and Trump officials: Meet Speaker Mike Johnson’s inner circle
–– Hey, don’t forget Jesus.

Donald Trump Once Threatened Staffer With Execution, Former Aide Says
–– Inspired by Rocket Man.

Rep. Patrick McHenry, who briefly served as acting House speaker, will not seek reelection
–– Wants to spend more time with bow tie.

Former speaker Kevin McCarthy will retire from Congress at end of year
–– Wants to spend more time with crime family at Mar-a-Lago.

Kevin McCarthy Says Matt Gaetz “Belongs in Jail,” Has Allegedly Committed “Worse” Crimes Than George Santos
–– Jury still out on getting him sacked.

Christie calls Ramaswamy ‘obnoxious blowhard’ in heated GOP debate exchange
–– A mighty win.

Vivek Ramaswamy, Libertarian candidate? In Iowa, his campaign flirts with a third-party run
–– Even third-party run agrees with Christie.

Ramaswamy: We’ll ‘overperform expectations’ in Iowa and New Hampshire
–– Because they’re at zero.

Doug Burgum announces he’s suspending his 2024 presidential campaign
–– Wife, ‘Huh, I was wondering where he’d gotten off to.’

Pelosi calls Santos a ‘coward’ for leaving chamber before expulsion vote closed
–– We missed hearing from Madame Obvious.

Gold bars featured in Sen. Bob Menendez bribery case are linked to a 2013 robbery, records show
–– This week in Coinkydinks.

GOP Sen. Lindsey Graham says he’s ‘lost all confidence’ in Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin
–– Remember when he was biggest supporter!

Four GOP presidential candidates qualify for fourth primary debate
–– ‘Qualify’ in loosest possible sense.

The Red State Brain Drain Isn’t Coming. It’s Happening Right Now.
–– When egghead moves from Blue State to Red causing brain to drain.

University of Pennsylvania board of trustees holds emergency meeting after president Liz Magill’s disastrous testimony
–– Magill a gorilla.

What we know about rape and sexual violence inflicted by Hamas during its terror attack on Israel
–– And campus Hamas cheerleaders don’t want to.

Israel has vowed to destroy Hamas. Yet the group remains largely intact.
–– WaPo running terrorist org’s press release?

Who is Yahya Sinwar, the Hamas leader Israel has called a ‘dead man walking’
–– Get yer Yahyas out!

Turkey Warns Israel About Assassinating Hamas Members in its Territory
–– Asks they take them next door to Syria first.

Israel says it uncovered 800 shafts to Hamas tunnels below Gaza
–– Can we agree to refer to as rat holes?

Protest outside Israeli-style restaurant Goldie condemned as ‘blatant act of antisemitism’
–– Ain’t chopped liver.

A protest against a top Israel-born chef was called antisemitic. Staff tell a different story
–– So, Guardian, was 'act of antisemitism', not 'blatant'?

Harvard president says 'I don’t know how you could feel anything but regret' after antisemitism testimony
–– We could also feel disgust.

Rabbi David Wolpe resigns from Harvard’s antisemitism advisory group
–– Obviously school never took advice.

US files war crime charges against Russians accused of torturing an American in the Ukraine invasion
–– A little like charging Godzilla with jaywalking.

North Korea is readying military and claims it saw U.S. military bases from spy satellite. How did we get to this point?
–– Um, maybe you should bone up on last 11 years of Kim press clippings.

North Korea leader Kim Jong Un cries while pleading with women to have more kids
–– The old softie!

Former US ambassador arrested in Florida, accused of serving as an agent of Cuba, AP source says
–– Preparing for imminent invasion of mainland.

Set to win reelection, Egypt’s Sisi is authoritarian leader with penchant for bridges
–– No, no, Sisi.

E.U. Agrees on Landmark Artificial Intelligence Rules
–– AI rewriting as we speak.

Linda Yaccarino’s Very Unmerry X Mess
–– Praying for Silent Musk.

Elon Musk says Disney boss should be ‘fired immediately’ amid X ad boycott
–– Iger: 'You first.'

‘The Marvels’ Ends Box Office Run as Lowest-Grossing MCU Movie in History
–– Marvel of Marvels.

Disney CEO Bob Iger says “The Marvels ”flopped at box office because of lack of 'supervision' on set
–– Kiddies didn’t play nice?

Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron Man Will Not Return, Says Kevin Feige: We Would Never ‘Magically Undo’ His Death
–– ‘Not at his price point.’

Marvel Settles Fight Over Spider-Man, Doctor Strange Rights
–– Ditto Ditko.

Hugh Grant Grumps Out Over ‘Wonka’ Experience: “I Couldn’t Have Hated The Whole Thing More”
–– Took his Loompas.

Kelsey Grammer BBC interview reportedly cut short as talk turned to his support of Donald Trump
–– Grammer MAGA dingdong.

Hear Henry Winkler perform as 'The Fonz' nearly 40 years after 'Happy Days' went off air
–– If you were seeking new definition of ‘sad.’

Jamie Foxx Makes First Public Appearance Since Health Scare: “I Saw the Tunnel, I Didn’t See the Light”
–– He was under train.

Adam Driver Got Told by Chris Wallace He ‘Doesn’t Look Like the Typical Movie Star’ and Responded: ‘I Look How I Look. I Can’t Change That.’
–– We want to know if last name got him cast in Ferrari.

Gérard Depardieu documentary shows ‘vile’ footage of sexist behaviour
–– Any recorded image of him these days hard to watch.

Chevy Chase falls off stage in New York at 'Christmas Vacation' movie screening
–– Just can’t retire Gerry Ford bit.

TV star broke the law to get her daughter into college. Hear why she said she did it
–– Um, daughter not too bright?

'Leave The World Behind' director says Julia Roberts pulled off 'something insane’
–– Pleasured crazy AD.

Paulina Porizkova, 58, poses topless and painted in silver: Makes me ‘feel strong’
— Makes you look silly.

Susan Sarandon Shares Apology, Says Comments At Pro-Palestinian Rally Were A “Terrible Mistake”
–– So she’s not ready to retire.

Nicolas Cage Says He’s Almost Finished: “Three or Four More Movies Left”
–– Don’t tease us now, Nic!

Emma Stone ditched 'judgement and shame' for 'Poor Things' role
–– Well, judgement, obviously, in taking it.

In ‘May December,’ Natalie Portman undergoes an unsettling transformation
–– To June?

Taylor Swift named Time’s ‘Person of the Year’
–– Former honorees Gandhi, FDR, Churchill, Pope John XXIII, MLK, JFK, Zelensky said to be "humbled."

Taylor Swift Named Time’s Person of the Year, Tells Her Enemies: “Trash Takes Itself Out”
–– Not quite ‘We have nothing to fear, but fear itself.’

Adele on Her Dream Hollywood Gig, Her Big Emotions and Volunteering at Her Son’s School: “The Kids Don’t Give a Flying F*** Who I Am”
–– Do other 10-year-old boys?

Fran Drescher Weighs In on Bob Iger’s Charm, ‘The Nannys Future and Her Own “Take No Sh**” Ethos
–– Which doesn't extend to roles she accepts.

Billie Eilish on Coming Out: ‘I Didn’t Realize People Didn’t Know’
–– Or, strangely, did care.

Taxi Driver Who Witnessed John Lennon's Murder Recalls Thinking Someone Was 'Making a Movie' After Hearing Shots
–– Imagine.

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs Accused of Gang-Rape of 17-Year-Old Girl
–– Along with Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy?

Diddy Releases Statement After Fourth Alleged Victim Comes Forward: “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH”
–– That’s what she said.

It’s Kennedy Center Honors time for a crop including Queen Latifah, Billy Crystal and Dionne Warwick
–– And Barry Gibb –– guess barrel’s bottom closer than expected.

Satirist Andy Borowitz Out at The New Yorker Amid Cost Cuts
–– One of his funnier recent headlines.

Off Broadway, a Vital Part of New York Theater, Feels the Squeeze
–– But there’s no blood in stone.

Prince Harry challenges the decision to strip him of security in Britain after he moved to the US
–– He just can't take hint.

Amy Robach, T.J. Homes Speak Out on Firing From ‘GMA’: We ‘Lost the Jobs We Love Because We Love Each Other’
–– Star-crossed-off lovers.

Former Jacksonville Jaguars employee accused of stealing more than $22 million from NFL team to fund lavish lifestyle
–– Went on jag.

‘Lost’ Botticelli masterpiece worth $109 million found in home in southern Italy
–– Family told guests it was ‘bisnonna e prozio Pepe.’

The meaning behind Pantone’s Color of the Year 2024
–– For millennia philosophers plumbed significance of ’Peach Fuzz’.

That Lingering ‘Meh’ Feeling Has a Name
–– The New York Times.

Oxford’s 2023 Word of the Year Is … ‘Rizz’
–– Which is rizzable.

Why You Should Only Serve a Buffet Dinner at Your Holiday Party
–– Those guests eat like pigs.

McCormick predicts this flavor will dominate menus in 2024
–– Because they overbought tamarind seeds this past season.

The Last Chuck E. Cheese animatronic band in the world will exist in Northridge
–– May not perform due to Henrietta Hen’s drug habit.

McDonald's continuing to lean into chicken
–– Strong-arming fowl with lines like, ‘Nice coop you’ve got here, it would be a shame if something happened to it.’

This Time-Saving Tool ‘Goes Through a Block of Cheese in Seconds,’ According to Amazon Shoppers
–– And has so many other uses.

Don’t use a space heater this winter. Do this instead.
–– Become meme.

Narcissists are everywhere, but you should never tell someone they are one. Here's why.
–– Concealed carry laws.

Army Veteran Battling Terminal Cancer Gets His Wish to Shoot a Tank One Last Time
–– Shot to Hell?

At 14 he slaughtered the woman who raised him and at 21, he walked free. What now?
–– He’s single, ladies.

The UNLV shooter was an 'eccentric' professor who was 'obsessed' with Las Vegas
–– Like Jerry Lewis with Taurus 9mm handgun?

Oxford school shooter Ethan Crumbley to be sentenced Friday: I'll rot in prison 'like a tomato’
–– Not like ‘Crumbley cheese’?

Arlington man whose house exploded had history of rambling lawsuits
–– Made explosive charges.

Remington gun factory in operation for nearly 200 years is set to close
–– Gun stinger.

Filmmakers make surprising discovery at the bottom of Lake Huron
–– Urine.

Amber Fossils Suggest Male Mosquitoes Were Once Bloodsuckers
–– And wore tiny black capes.

10 Billion Crabs Suddenly Vanished From the Bering Sea. Now We Know Why.
–– Rising rents.

‘Forever chemicals’ found in freshwater fish, yet most states don’t warn residents
–– Some did issue advisories on 'extremely long-lasting chemicals'.

Why Do Octopuses Tear Themselves Apart After Mating?
–– Really bad sex?

Owner freaks out when all her chickens freeze simultaneously
–– Turn up heat, lady.

Divers Found Cargo That Might Just Lead to a 'Mind-Blowing' Neolithic Shipwreck
–– Or, y’know, not.

Archaeologists unearth ‘most shocking example of Roman slavery’ at Pompeii
–– Brutally forced to work… in cramped bakery?

Stone Age dam and infrastructure point to rise of a ‘great power’ in central China thousands of years ago
–– Better be pretty dam sure.

Gigantic 'hole' in the sun wider than 60 Earths is spewing superfast solar wind right at us
–– Breaking solar wind?

Tomato lost in space by history-making astronaut has been found
–– Scraped off Buzz Aldrin's old space helmet.

Sandra Day O’Connor Told a Truth About Marriage That Few Others Dared To
–– We’ll be judge of that.

Edwin Yoder, Pulitzer-winning editorial writer, columnist, dies at 89
–– Die, he did.

Ryan O’Neal, Star of ‘Love Story,’ ‘What’s Up, Doc?’ and ‘Paper Moon,’ Dies at 82
–– O'Neal's down.

Norman Lear, iconic TV sitcom and movie producer, dies at 101
–– One death at a time.

Norman Lear’s Family Sang His Sitcom Theme Songs as He Passed
–– Undoubtedly speeding process.

Jimmy Kimmel, Rob Reiner and More Pay Tribute to Norman Lear: ‘A Titan of This Industry’
–– In land of blind, one-eyed king.