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The China Sin Drone
Week of 11/17/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Satirical photo-illustration of President Joe Biden of the United States meeting with Premier Xi Jinping of the People's Republic of China by reaching out his hand for a handshake, but his and Xi's index fingers are stuck in a gag toy Chinese fInger trap.Xi Says China Seeks to Be Friends With US, Won’t Fight ‘Hot War’
–– That’s what Xi said.

Rep. George Santos says he won’t seek reelection
–– Will return to Westeros as King’s Hand.

Biden, Xi emerge from hours of talks, agree to curb illicit fentanyl, restart military dialogue
–– These two are human fentanyl.

Takeaways from the Biden-Xi summit, where low expectations were met
–– Sweet & Sour Talk, House Special Fried Lies, Chicken Lo Man, Woo Hoo Guy Pan.

Watch Blinken's reaction when Biden calls Xi a dictator
–– Involuntary wince when hearing truth.

Axelrod: Biden ‘wouldn’t be the first’ to call me a ‘pr—‘
–– 'My kids call me Ranger Pr––.'

House Ethics Panel Will Not Push to Expel George Santos
–– Acknowledge how well mythomaniac sociopath fits in.

George Santos Used Campaign Cash to Pay for OnlyFans and Botox: Ethics Report
–– Someday he'll laugh about if he can move face.

Mullin on beef with Teamsters president: ‘What are you supposed to do with bullies?’
–– Go f**k yourself.

Markwayne Mullin defends conduct: ‘Every now and then, you need to get punched in the face’
–– In his case, weekly.

GOP Sen. Says He Could Have Beat Up Hearing Witness if Not for ‘Political Correctness’
–– 'And if he was deaf, I'd totally annihilate him.'

Burchett accuses McCarthy of elbowing him in Capitol hallway
–– Bird shit, indeed.

NPR reporter weighs in on McCarthy elbow accusation
–– Wished she added knee to groin.

Clay Higgins Claims ‘Ghost Buses’ Brought FBI Informants To Washington On Jan. 6
–– Living or dead?

Trump calls political enemies ‘vermin,’ echoing dictators Hitler, Mussolini
–– Gives rat's ass.

‘The boss is not going to leave': Proffer videos show ex-Trump lawyers telling Georgia prosecutors about efforts to overturn 2020 election
–– Another little Big Lie.

Lawyer of Georgia defendant in Trump election case admits to leaking witness video
–– And wetting self in process.

Trump Can Stay On Michigan Ballot As Judge Rejects Insurrection Argument
–– Apparently never looked up word’s definition.

Colorado Judge Keeps Trump on Ballot but Finds He ‘Engaged in Insurrection’
–– Engaged? He married 'til death do us part.

Trump’s Truth Social Has Lost $73M Since Launch, New Filing Shows
–– Truth hurts.

Donald Trump Owned Several Atlantic City Casinos That Went Bankrupt — Despite This, He Said, 'Atlantic City Fueled A Lot Of Growth For Me’
–– His ass doubled in size.

With the Trump business empire on the brink, Don Jr. breaks out an elevator pitch
–– Elevator with button pushed for sub-sub-sub-basement.

Donald Trump’s Lawyer Alina Habba Wears ‘F–k Joe Biden’ Necklace, ‘MAGA’ Purse During UFC Outing
–– Trumpite bro: 'Habba-habba!'

New Speaker Mike Johnson faces first test as government shutdown looms
–– Has crib notes from Kevin McCarthy.

Fight against strip club set Speaker Mike Johnson on his moral crusade
–– 'It was a revelation. Like the Virgin Mary gave me a lap dance.'

Weeks Before Election as Speaker, Johnson Lamented ‘Dark and Depraved’ Culture
–– Then offered living proof.

Tim Scott drops out of GOP primary race, ending a campaign dogged by low numbers and the question of if his girlfriend was real
–– Or just a cold and lonely lovely work of art.

David DePape testifies in his own defense in Paul Pelosi attack trial and outlines political beliefs, conspiracy theories
–– DePape smear.

Tearful attacker says Paul Pelosi 'was never my target’
–– “Have pity, I only wanted to beat, kidnap his wife.’

James Comer Melts Down Over Report He Did the Exact Same Thing As Joe Biden
–– Leaving a foul puddle of goo.

Supreme Court says Florida can’t enforce anti-drag law
–– Can they enforce law against DeSantis, biggest drag of all?

How R.F.K. Jr. Has Turned His Public Crusades Into a Private Windfall
–– While trying to help Trump do same.

The Democrats Begging Their Party to Ditch Activist Left
–– Progressive rot.

Hamas envisioned deeper attacks, aiming to provoke an Israeli war
–– Mission accomplished, geniuses.

Hamas has command node under Al-Shifa hospital, US official says
–– They should have that looked at.

White House and Pentagon say Hamas using Gaza's largest hospital to store weapons and support operations
–– As desperately sick f***s would.

US Capitol police clash with protesters calling for Gaza war ceasefire
–– Demanding Israel do what no sovereign state in history has.

Protesters demanding Israeli cease-fire at DNC say 90 injured in skirmishes with police
–– And they never exaggerate.

How Osama bin Laden’s ‘Letter to America’ reached millions online
–– All those empty heads…

Jewish Celebrities and Influencers Confront TikTok Executives in Private Call
–– SikShok.

Saudi crown prince calls for end of war in Gaza
–– Wants it cut short, parts placed in suitcases.

Anderson Cooper 'Broke Down' Over 'Horrors He Witnessed' After Returning Home From Israel: Report
–– House was real mess, eh?

Seizing Darfur Region, Paramilitary Forces Are Accused of Atrocities
–– Not quite atrocious enough for world to care.

Brigitte Macron: I thought 15-year-old Emmanuel would fall in love with someone his own age
–– Until she checked his Walkman.

“Unvarnished antisemitism": Musk says conspiracy that motivated mass shooting is "the actual truth”
–– Oh, this turd’s got multiple coats of polish.

X Races to Contain Damage After Elon Musk Endorses Antisemitic Post
–– X-enophobia.

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman ousted, shocking AI world
–– Really deepfaking surprise.

Lawmakers Press Apple on Whether Jon Stewart’s Show Was Canceled Because of China Concerns
–– Or was nobody watching, including Chinese?

Emperor’s new clothes: why the French are ready to embrace Napoleon again
–– Despots back in style.

Box Office Bomb: ‘The Marvels’ Opening to $47M-$52M in New Low for Marvel Studios
–– Forestall The Marvels.

Stephen King Doesn’t Care for Marvel Movies but Says ‘Gloating’ Over ‘The Marvels’ Flopping Is ‘Very Unpleasant’: It May Be ‘Adolescent Fanboy Hate’
–– On part of Marvel.

Bob Dylan Expresses Support for Jann Wenner During NYC Gig
–– Wenner in doubt.

Sean Combs Is Accused by Cassie of Rape and Years of Abuse in Lawsuit
–– Diddy?

Travis Kelce Said He And Taylor Swift Didn’t Leave Their Hotel All Evening Because They Were Conscious Of Looking Like They “Didn’t Care” About Her Fans After She Canceled Her Show
–– So being superstar is Heck!

Kevin Hart to receive the 25th Mark Twain Prize for American Humor
–– A year after Adam Sandler? Pauly Shore, send your tux to dry cleaners.

DaBaby Says Homophobic Remarks Made Him Lose $200 Million, Feels Like It Was a ‘Blessing in Disguise’
–– That is some badass ‘you’ll-never-guess-who-this-is’ drag.

‘Avengers: The Kang Dynasty’ Loses Director Destin Daniel Cretton
–– Is that really loss?

Fantastic Four: Kevin Feige Reportedly Feared Cast Was ‘Too White’ Before Pedro Pascal
–– Too close to source material?

’Ferrari’ Star Adam Driver Tells Festgoer “F*** You” After Being Asked About “Cheesy” Crash Scenes
–– Was more “f***-a you.”

Chris Pine, viral fashion sensation, says his short-shorts style choice is ‘a vibe’
–– In latest slang for ‘embarrassment.’

Hailey Bieber Ditched Her Pants While Posing on a Giant Jelly Bean
–– Pants ‘relieved.’

Jeremy Renner had to relearn to walk after accident. Now, he’s hopping down a hill
–– After growing fuzzy little white tail.

Warner Bros. Reverses Course on ‘Coyote vs. Acme’ After Filmmakers Rebel
–– Makes it back to ledge’s edge.

Matthew Lillard on “Humbling and Exciting” ‘Five Nights at Freddy’s’ Success and Creating Authentic Experiences for Fans
–– Doesn’t he mean ‘humiliating?’ Oh, right he was in Scooby-Doo.

‘Nyad’ Star Annette Bening on Swimming Eight Hours a Day for Netflix Biopic: “It Has Changed My Life”
–– Is now somewhere in South Pacific.

Ke Huy Quan Went Up to Lucasfilm President Kathleen Kennedy and Told Her to ‘Please Put Me in the Star Wars Universe’: ‘I Was Shameless’
–– And unintelligible.

’Frankenstein’ Director James Whale’s Former Home in Los Feliz Listed for $7.24M (Exclusive)
–– Includes built-in self-destruct lever.

Meghan Markle on the ‘Wild’ ‘Suits’ Streaming Boom: ‘Good Shows Are Everlasting’
–– ‘While some garbage just lingers.’

Kate Middleton has ‘literally no-one else’ but Queen Camilla to turn to when it comes to ‘exclusive destiny’, royal expert claims
–– Not even skinny, skittish lady in mirror?

Meghan Markle "Doesn't Want Anything to Do" With the Royals Anymore
–– They are thoroughly amused.

Athletics get approval from MLB owners to move from Oakland to Las Vegas
–– Crap’s out.

Ex-girlfriend drops lawsuits against Tiger Woods, says she never claimed sexual harassment
–– Iron-ic.

Elite Runner Who Rode in a Car During a Race Is Banned for a Year
–– Got Ruized.

Host Charissa Thompson apologizes after saying she fabricated NFL sideline reports; faces mounting criticism
–– George Santos claims he’ll replace her.

He Thought His Chuck Close Painting Was Worth $10 Million. Not Quite.
–– Not Close?

Why Is Medieval Art So Weird?
–– Yeah, Smithsonian 'Smart News', stuff from long ago is like so kooky, right?

This Forgotten Masterpiece Was Hanging Above an Elderly French Woman's Hot Plate. Now, It's Heading to the Louvre
–– Where they’ll try to get out smell of burnt onions.

Martha Stewart Reveals She's Canceled Her Thanksgiving Dinner: 'I'm Turkeyed Out!’
–– After work on waddle.

Cracking the Green Bean Casserole Code
–– With Bletchley Circle cooking club.

NYC restaurant serves instant ramen — that you have to cook yourself
–– While reading homework assignment.

The World's Oldest Italian Restaurant Has Been Serving Pasta For Over 500 Years
–– And frankly it’s getting kinda dry.

A grocery chain is removing self-checkout after realizing executives hate it as much as customers do: ‘We like to talk to people’
–– ‘And not when they’re cursing our existence.’

Dave Ramsey: Take Social Security at Age 62, but Only If You Do This With Each Check
–– Sign over to him.

The No. 1 life regret of the dying: I see it 'all the time,' says psychologist—what he does before it's too late
–– Dying?

Opinion / The most sustainable toys are the ones that are fun for decades
–– Gee, you’re going have to explain to us.

Texted My Friend For Years After She Died. Then I Received A 5-Word Reply That Left Me Shaken.
–– ‘Looking for a f**k buddy?’

What If Psychedelics’ Hallucinations Are Just a Side Effect?
–– Everyone gets?

So Thieves Nabbed Your Catalytic Converter. Here’s Where It Ended Up
–– On my car, loser.

'I'm on a mission': Sex offender charged with exposing self in Mount Clemens interrupts judge
–– Blade drawn.

Oregon’s new bar-exam alternative is the first of its kind
–– Barista-exam.

Two arrested after US storage facility emptied of $1bn in ‘massive amounts of knock-off designer goods’
–– Case cracked by Surelock Homes.

Mississippi man had ID in his pocket when he was buried without his family's knowledge
–– Off-duty cop who ran him down in police SUV: “It would’ve been so wrong to go through a dead guy’s pockets!”

Alex Murdaugh Pleads Guilty to Spate of Financial Crimes
–– Figured what’s one more conviction.

Do Safe Injection Sites Increase Crime? There’s Finally an Answer.
–– We prefer left arm.

The Rise of Off-Brand Ozempic
–– You only lose weight in wallet.

What to Know About Zepbound, the New Weight Loss Drug
–– Where’s Zep? Who’s heading there?

Common pesticides in food reducing sperm count worldwide, study says
–– Certain farm animals ‘very relieved.’

Grand Canyon, nation's largest Christian university, says it's appealing 'ridiculous' federal fine
–– School motto: 'Travel to the bottom on your ass.'

ChaCha, Papa John, Mud: Why is no one called “grandma” or “grandpa” anymore?
–– Except by trolls if online commenter is over 40.

Opinion: Why I’m not going to have children
–– Besides nosy family, who asked?

Hikers Rescued After Following Nonexistent Trail on Google Maps
–– By virtual St. Bernard carrying non-alcoholic brandy.

When Your Significant Other Has Four Legs and Fur
–– Pray your state doesn’t have laws against bestiality.

‘Everybody Is a Bit on Edge’: Sailors Trade Tips on Steering Clear of Orca
–– ‘No. 1: Do not wear black and white.’

How do you get rid of a beached whale before it explodes?
–– Cut red wire?

Pennsylvania Crossbow Hunter Tags Giant 18-Point Buck with a Little Help from His Friends
–– Says, ‘You’re it.’

A String of Decadent New Hotel Condos Is Set to Supercharge Miami Beach, But Will They Dilute the City’s Art Deco Soul?
–– Atlantic set to dilute all of Ocean Drive.

A Stunning Discovery Proves That Vikings Reached the Americas Before Columbus
–– Menu listing lutefisk in Newfoundland restaurant circa 1000 AD.

How America Is Making Tree Equity a Climate Solution for Cities
–– Plant parenthood.

Why are so few people getting the latest Covid-19 vaccine?
–– What happened to all those pricks?

Women Now Live Nearly Six Years Longer Than Men in the United States
–– Husbands will take whatever peace they can get.

Maryanne Trump Barry, the eldest sister of former President Trump, dies at 86
–– Hopefully, Grim Reaper’s just practicing.

Michel Ciment, Prominent French Film Critic and Historian, Dies at 85 
–– Buried in Ciment.

John Bailey, ‘Ordinary People’ Cinematographer and Former Film Academy President, Dies at 81
–– Out of focus.