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Charity Balls
Week of 12/22/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Photo-illustration spoof of Rudy Giluliani, who declared bankruptcy due to a $148 million defamation judgment against him, dressed as a Santa Claus in a mall ringing a bell as he tries to raise money for himself with his version of a Salvation Army Red Kettle charity campaign retitled The Salvation of Rudy.Judge orders Rudy Giuliani to immediately start paying defamed Georgia election workers
–– Must fork over entire $1.57 on person.

Rep. Kevin McCarthy formally submits House resignation
–– His Christmas gift to America.

Former Georgia election workers sue Rudy Giuliani again, asking judge to permanently stop him from lying about them
–– Want some more of his Monopoly money.

Giuliani seeks bankruptcy after $148 million judgment in defamation case
–– Sounds like he’s already found it.

Biden pardons marijuana use nationwide. Here's what that means
–– In spliff decision.

Biden commutes sentences for 11 convicted of drug crimes, targeting 'unjustified disparities’
–– Or dealing while Black.

Trump Is Disqualified From the 2024 Ballot, Colorado Supreme Court Rules
–– We second that motion.

It’s self-evident Trump supported an insurrection, says Biden
–– Trump: 'Yeah right, like all men are created equal, and all that life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness crap? Hoax!'

Trump Insists He's 'Not An Insurrectionist' After Colorado Ruling
–– Claims he hasn’t gotten hard since Stormy Daniels.

Everyone expected a recession. The Fed and White House found a way out.
–– Voters eager to punish Biden for it.

Biden, Trump in Dead Heat for 2024, While Kennedy Gains Traction, Poll Shows
–– Put radials on clown car.

Recording Shows Trump Pressed Michigan Republicans To Not Certify Election Results: Report
–– Lansing: the Boil.

Trump Urges Supreme Court Not to Fast-Track DC Immunity Claim
–– And dogs obediantly obey.

Donald Trump paraphrases ADOLF HITLER by telling rally that migrants are 'poisoning the blood of our country': Phrase first appeared in führer book Mein Kampf
–– Mein Trumpf.

Trump says he hasn't read Hitler's 'Mein Kampf’
–– ‘But I coulda written it.’

Sen. Mitch McConnell cites his immigrant wife in response to Trump’s ‘poison the blood’ gibe
–– As proof?

Trump defends former influencer convicted of election interference who has racist, antisemitic past
–– Sounds like current influencer of Trump.

‘Just devastating': U.S. searching for stack of intelligence on Russia missing under Trump: reports
–– All those Tom Clancy novels.

Opinion In Paris, the Krispy Kreme craze can’t mask Donald Trump’s menace
–– Because he ate them all!

Judge orders Rep. Scott Perry to disclose nearly 1,700 documents in Jan. 6 investigation
–– How many bathrooms does Trump wannabe have in home?

Clarence Thomas Faces Calls to Recuse Himself From Jan. 6 Trump Cases
–– 'Recuse myself of what? I'm not guilty of a crime. That would be a false recusation!'

Lindsey Graham: ‘I could care less’ what language Trump uses to describe migrants
–– ‘When ah’m concentratin’ on tryin’ to get ‘Lil Donald’ to stand at attention.’

Graham Says He’ll Draft Sanctions If China Tries to Invade Taiwan
–– Xi reads, panics, pledges to change his nation's name to Taiwan's Republic of China.

In China's eyes we're all separatists, Taiwan presidential frontrunner says
–– 'They're total splitheads.'

House Speaker Johnson among US politicians with ancestral ties to slavery
–– Along with spiritual, philosophical ones.

House Dysfunction by the Numbers: 724 Votes, Only 27 Laws Enacted
–– But has made IRS safe from Hunter Biden.

Senate approves remaining military promotions blocked by Sen. Tuberville
–– Maybe next time he can try hunger strike.

Texas governor signs new immigration law allowing state to arrest migrants
–– And officially reclassify them migraines.

Texas flies immigrants to Chicago in expansion of Gov. Greg Abbott’s busing plan
–– Is lining up cheap moon shots for next phase.

Biden speaks with Mexico's leader as migrant crossings spike at border
–– Abbott: 'Like burst piñata from Hell.'

Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick suggests removing Pres. Biden from ballot over immigration
–– We suggest removing him from species over inhumanity.

President Biden to send Blinken and Mayorkas to Mexico amid surge in migration
–– To seek day labor?

Judge halts California law that would have banned carrying firearms in many public spaces
–– Should conceal one where sun don’t shine.

U.N. passes resolution calling for pause in fighting to allow Gaza aid, with rare U.S. abstention
–– Abstain on reputation.

Israeli army says it uncovered biggest Hamas tunnel yet
–– As they dig own hole ever deeper.

Why Harvard president’s corrections do not address her clearest instances of plagiarism, including as a student in the 1990s
–– Board commends her 'consistency.'

Why Harvard continues to back President Claudine Gay during her plagiarism controversy
–– Once you go black…?

Alec Baldwin escorted by police after heated confrontation at pro-Palestinian rally in NYC
–– This week in 'Who'd've thunk it?'

Australia Rejects US Request to Join Red Sea Naval Operation
–– Didn't float their boat.

Under US pressure over fentanyl, Mexico wages “imaginary war on drugs” with raids on inactive labs
–– Are they high?

WSJ: Russian Security Council secretary ordered Prigozhin's assassination
–– In plane sight.

Orban Sees EU States Circumventing Hungary on Ukraine Aid
–– He was just trying to get Putin to notice him.

Raunchy celebrity party in Russia draws outrage over ‘nude illusion’ theme
–– Exposing truth of Putin’s ‘naked reality.’

Ukraine is legalizing medicinal marijuana to treat stress and cancer among war survivors
–– But outlaw Russian gummy bears.

GOP House member thinks his colleagues have been taped sleeping with Russian spies: 'Next thing you know, you're in the motel room with 'em naked’
–– Spies with strong stomachs.

China, Russia, Iran and Cuba all tried to meddle in 2022 US congressional elections, intelligence assessment finds
–– But were already too muddled to further mess up.

Japan-US ties stronger than ever, minister says amid US Steel scrutiny
–– 'We have been a long-term alloy, er, ally. I say this without iron… y. No ifs, ands ore, um, or buts.'

North Korea's Kim warns of 'nuclear attack' if provoked with nukes
–– Or provoked with insults, left off Christmas list, feeling cranky.

Exclusive-India probe into bribery claim in toxic syrup tests nears completion
–– Expected to cough up results.

Mark Zuckerburg Is Reportedly Building Himself a $270 Million Survivalist Compound in Hawaii
–– Called Mourner Lower.

Golden Globes Debuts One of Hollywood’s Most Expensive Gift Bags Ever With $500,000 Price Tag
–– Vastly over-estimating bribe needed to get celebrities back on TV kissing ass.

Jo Koy to Host 2024 Golden Globe Awards
–– Koi fish was next on list.

Charlie Sheen’s Back In Form, Even Getting Plastic Surgery On His Turkey Gobbler Neck After Watching ‘Bookie’. Chuck Lorre, Give This Man A Sitcom! – The Deadline Q&A
–– Don’t bet on it.

Charlie Sheen's Neighbor Arrested on Charges of Attempted Strangulation After Alleged Break-In: Report
–– Not of him!

Kate McKinnon and Billie Eilish are very believable cat ladies
–– Not sure where this falls on kudosmeter.

Cameron Diaz: ‘We should normalize separate bedrooms’
–– ‘Especially of you’re married to this guy.’

Madonna Was in an Induced Coma for 48 Hours While Hospitalized for a Bacterial Infection
–– First rest multitude of bugs got in years.

Actor Vin Diesel hit with sexual battery lawsuit by former assistant
–– Like Mack truck.

Gerard Depardieu's Downfall: French Public Broadcaster Says It Won't Ban Films Starring the Actor, but Won't Celebrate Him Either
–– Will only toast with non-alcoholic sparkling wine.

‘Dukes of Hazzard’ Actor Makes Death Threat Against Joe Biden
–– Dicks of hazard.

John Schneider’s Masked Singer Press Tour Scrapped After Inflammatory Social Media Post Targeting Bidens
–– Parading donut with a-hole not punishment?

Marvel Will Part Ways With Jonathan Majors After Guilty Verdict
–– He's been Kanged.

Disney/Lucasfilm Plans Ojibwe Dub for ‘Star Wars: A New Hope’
–– And still no Elvish?

Mickey Mouse, Long a Symbol in Copyright Wars, to Enter Public Domain: 'It's Finally Happening’
–– Mickey: 'Hey, now I can bang other royalty-free comics characters in public. Hey, Felix, c'mere.'

Daniel Craig and More Celebrities Not Leaving Their Children Inheritances
–– Not even Bonds?

‘Anyone But You’ Director Will Gluck on His Romcom Return, Paparazzi Set Photos and Nathan Fielder “Feud”
–– Must he gluck on them?

‘The math ain't mathing': Taraji P. Henson on frustrations with Hollywood pay disparity
–– Is meth mething?

Miss France winner says her short hair a victory for ‘diversity'
–– Some white ones mixed in?

Stephen A. Smith and Steve Kerr feud over Steph Curry comments: 'I'm disgusted with him’
–– ‘And the way he pronounces name.’

Warren Buffett’s Right-Hand Man Charlie Munger Said People With These 5 Traits Are ‘Almost Certain To Succeed’
–– 1) Ability to suck up to boss man for decades.

The Met Is Selling This Rare Portrait of George Washington
–– For how many Benjamins?

Yes, Kwanzaa Is Made Up. That’s Why It’s Great
–– Like uptown Festivus?

‘Christmas stink’: UK’s traditional festive swims face rising tide of sewage
–– Jingle bells, Santa smells…

Grandma Who Charges Family for Christmas Dinner Explains Why She’s Raising Her Prices
–– Service now includes hand job.

Whole Foods did not break the law by banning Black Lives Matter apparel, judge rules
–– Did allow Black Beans Matter badges.

11 Things Waffle House Employees Wish You Would Stop Doing
–– 2) Write pandering articles like this.

Campbell's Chunky Soup Flavors, Ranked Worst To Best
–– Worst: Creamy Hobo-style Gristle ’n’ Filler.

13 Spiral Ham Brands, Ranked Worst To Best
–– In downward tailspin.

Meet Stupid Pie: A Stupid-Easy Dessert That’s Been Loved Through the Decades
–– Along with shithead cake.

This addictive nut is driving record rates of cancer – yet millions continue to chew it
–– Like saying 'betel juice' three times.

'Real MVP': A professor gives a shout out to the student who nods along in class
–– Most Valuable Pet.

My Name and Face Are the Only Things Linking Me to My Heritage
–– Not true –– your forbearers were whiners, too.

My MS diagnosis freed me to finally love my body as it is
–– This week in Sad.

Do I need to shock my penis? Probably not, but it does need looking after
–– We recommend occasional pleasant surprise.

This No. 1 bestselling aromatherapy diffuser doubles as mood lighting — and it's on sale for $25 at Amazon
–– And personal stimulator in pinch.

Prague Searches for Motive in Its Worst Mass Shooting Since World War II Era
–– Time for gut Czech.

Shootings are ‘spreading like a disease in Europe,’ says survivor of deadly Prague attack
–– Like KFCs.

An Iowa paperboy disappeared 41 years ago. His mother is still on the case
–– Missed that day’s Family Circus.

British boy who went missing in France for six years says being back home feels ‘surreal’
–– It’s all the Magrittes on walls.

For decades, human remains tied to the ‘Green River killer’ were known only as Bones 17. Now, DNA testing has revealed a name
–– Bones 18.

Florida man smothers nephew's meatball sandwich with eyedrop solution because he 'hated him' that day: police
–– Nephew clearly saw that.

Snakes, Spores and Sewage: Life in the Neighborhood Called ‘the Hole’
–– Or as realtors put it: ‘views of nature.’

‘Like a scene in a movie.’ This 4-month-old was swept up by a deadly tornado and found alive on a downed tree
–– Like Gone Baby Not Gone?

Florida woman captures Everglades alligator eating python. Wildlife enthusiasts rejoice
–– She doesn't know where to put them in house.

'In shock': Mississippi hunter bags dwarf deer with record-sized antlers
–– And enormous schlong.

Killer Whale Yeets Dolphin Into the Sky
–– Yeet gads.

Human Sperm Seem to Defy the Laws of Physics, and Scientists Finally Know Why
–– Come to conclusion.

The debauchery of Fort Worth’s Hell’s Half Acre took no holidays, not even on Christmas
–– Whores offered half-priced gift boxes.

Donations Help Save Bologna's 12th-Century Leaning Tower
–– Patrons full of Bologna.

Medieval 'curse tablet' summoning Satan discovered at the bottom of a latrine in Germany
–– Left Devil down in dumps.

Nativity-like scene statues found in the ancient pagan city of Pompeii
–– Mother of God, that’s stretch for Christmasy head.

800-year-old healing bowl emblazoned with double-headed dragon unearthed in Turkish castle
–– Could not heal birth defects.

Humans could have arrived in North America 10,000 years earlier, new research shows
–– If they hadn’t missed boat.

Archaeologists Think They Might Have Found the Real Noah’s Ark
–– So humor them.

Poisonous gas wave may have snuffed out half of all sea life in Earth's 1st mass extinction
–– Dinosaurs ate way too many legumes.

Sea of methane sealed beneath Arctic permafrost could trigger climate feedback loop if it escapes
–– And would sound like this over and over again.

Atom-size black holes from the dawn of time could be devouring stars from the inside out, new research suggests
–– We can’t see it.

Florida’s surgeon general told the FDA that COVID-19 vaccines aren’t safe. The FDA calls that misinformation
–– Governor calls it ‘Kennedyesque.’