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Xmas Hysteria
Week of 12/15/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Photo-illustration spoof of the tap-dance Christmas performance by Dorrance Dance at the White House arranged by Jill Biden that upset conservative critics for being too woke. Trump aide Stephan Miller piches forward and clutches his crotch after being kicked from hehind by a smiling Black dancer dressed like the prince from the Nutcracker ballet. The title of the scene is Right-Wing Nutcracker,Jill Biden’s bizarre ‘Hunger Games aesthetic’ White House Christmas video roasted by critics
–– Because 'woke' tap dancers weren't executed.

Kevin McCarthy: The exit interview
–– Fatuous last words.

Jill Biden's Christmas Video Compared to Melania Trump's
–– She certainly can't compare with Melania's "Who gives a f**k about Christmas stuff and decorations?"

Kevin McCarthy Claims ‘Facts’ Will Stop Trump From Seeking Vengeance
–– How much nog did he have at House Holiday Party?

Trump calls claims he's a threat to democracy a 'hoax,' says Biden is the real threat: 'I will save democracy’
–– ‘Hoax’ springs eternal.

Donald Trump Says a ‘Fantastic General’ Praised His ‘Grab ‘Em By The P–y’ Tape Response as the ‘Bravest Thing I’ve Ever Seen’ | Video
–– Was like 'tit offensive.'

Biden repeats exaggerated house fire story he claims almost killed First Lady Jill Biden
–– Which is only funny because Fox News is reporting.

Trump changes course, says he won't testify Monday at civil fraud trial
–– As much as you can steer rock slide.

Judge: Giuliani may have defamed Georgia election workers again outside DC courthouse
–– We vote 'aye.'

Rudy Giuliani must pay $148 million to 2 Georgia election workers he defamed, jury decides
–– Oh, de fame!

100,000 people may've heard Vivek Ramaswamy peeing on a livestream with Elon Musk and Alex Jones
–– Many concerned lag suggested prostate issues.

Vivek Ramaswamy Doubles Down On Jan. 6 Conspiracy Theories
–– Dumb-bells down.

Congress Is Taking a Huge Step Toward UFO Transparency—and Lawmakers Pushing for the Truth Aren't Happy
–– Legalizing Venusian invisibility beam.

NYC Mayor Eric Adams tells constituents 'help is not on the way' for migrant crisis
–– ‘And I’m sure as Hell not doing anything.’

Supreme Court lets stand Washington state law barring conversion therapy for minors
–– No straight talk?

This Economy Has Bigger Problems Than ‘Bad Vibes’
–– So let’s make up some more.

Project Veritas CEO quits, citing ‘strong evidence of past illegality and past financial improprieties’
–– Veritably.

Penn president’s resignation stirs debate about limits of free speech
–– And dumb speech?

Penn president resigns amid backlash to her testimony on antisemitism
–– Bald point Penn.

Harvard president apologizes for her disastrous testimony at antisemitism hearing: ‘Words matter’
–– Does school teach that?

Pressure grows on Harvard President Claudine Gay after Penn’s Liz Magill resignation
–– But only in real world.

Harvard’s board: We unanimously stand in support of President Gay
–– No Gay abandon?

CNN’s Fareed Zakaria Slams American Universities: No Longer Seen as ‘Bastions of Excellence, But as Partisan Outfits’
–– Where they can't define 'bastion' or 'partisan.'

Saturday Night Live Mocks Republicans for Calling Out Campus Antisemitism
–– Push Stefanik button.

Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu warns of 'beginning of the end' for Hamas, urges surrender
–– Hamas still trying to squeeze few more lucky martyrs into Paradise.

Gaza's 'catastrophic' health situation almost impossible to improve, says WHO
–– IDF: ‘So why even try?’’

Putin, Netanyahu Talk Amid Rising Tensions Over Israel-Hamas War
–– Compare bloody score cards.

Antique stoves in Gaza the only way to cook during war
–– Our guide to this season’s hottest models!

Russia has lost 87% of troops it had prior to start of Ukraine war, according to US intelligence assessment
–– Which suggests epic level of carelessness.

Jailed Russian opposition figure Alexei Navalny is missing, supporters say
–– Didn’t Putin put tracker on him?

Biden invites Zelensky to Washington amid Ukraine funding fight
–– Reminds him not to forget begging cup.

A missile fired by Yemen’s Houthi rebels strikes a Norwegian-flagged tanker in the Red Sea
–– Sailors ask, 'Houthi heck?'

Muslim pupils ‘offended’ by Renaissance painting of nudes to be disciplined
–– Kooky kids prefer videos of beheaded teachers.

Taliban sending Afghan women to prison to protect them from gender-based violence, says UN report
–– No place to protect women from them.

Polish prime minister loses confidence vote, clearing way for Donald Tusk
–– Tusk horns in?

Far-right Polish lawmaker uses fire extinguisher on Hanukkah candles in parliament
–– Not Holy Water to purify Satanic symbol?

Argentine President Milei warns economic shock unavoidable in maiden speech
–– But he mostly talked about virgins.

Kim Jong-un adds to sanctions-busting luxury car collection with $200,000 armoured Mercedes sedan
–– Got it at Sanctions-Busting Drive 'em Crazy Sale.

Nobel Peace Prize winner says Iranian people will prevail against rulers
–– We hope, but she didn’t win Seer of the Year award.

He Might Have Been Pope. Instead, He May Go to Prison.
–– Will run to get elected Pope, pardon self.

Pope calls for treaty regulating AI, warning of potential for ‘technological dictatorship’
–– AI Anti-Pope claims infallibility.

Elon Musk says he’s prepared to go to prison if U.S. government tries to censor X
–– Be X-con?

Saturday Night Live: Adam Driver returns to host a solid episode
–– As opposed to years of mushy, blobby, runny ones?

Machine Gun Kelly Is Reportedly Unhappy With Some of Megan Fox’s Poems in New Book
–– We didn’t know he was literary critic. Heck, we didn’t know he could read.

James Gunn Has Found His DC Universe's Mandatory Sean Gunn Role
–– Nepo the Inevitable?

The Shocking Ending of Indiana Jones 5 Wasn't Always What's in the Movie
–– Must've taken awhile to arrive at something so stupid.

I Wish Indiana Jones Got To Stay In Ancient Italy, But Dial Of Destiny's Director Tells Me Why They Decided Against It
–– We wish film had exclusively played in ancient Italy.

Denzel Washington’s Casting as Ancient General Hannibal in Antoine Fuqua Netflix Film Sparks Controversy in Tunisia
–– Y’know, this guy.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner Reacts to Claims He Misrepresented His Career
–– Gee, he’s reality show George Santos.

Oprah Made a Young Fan’s Dreams Come True at the “Color Purple” Premiere
–– Let her watch Nick Jr. on iPad instead.

Tim Cook is risking his legacy on a pricey product in an unproven market
–– Digital crock pot?

Wonka Ending Explained & Spoilers: What Happened at the End?
–– For film that hasn’t even opened yet.

Disturbing Jonathan Majors Texts and Audio Released in Court: ‘I’m a Great Man’ and ‘Doing Great Things for My Culture and the World’
–– Real Kangbanger.

George Clooney Jokes That Batman Cameo in ‘The Flash’ Was a One-Time Occurrence: “Somehow There Were Not A Lot of Requests”
–– Industry considered him incapeable.

Dan Aykroyd Recalls Seeing 7 Dead Bodies at a Funeral Home as a Child: 'I'll Never Forget That’
–– Many more when he performed comedy live.

Provocative Sex Is Back at the Movies. But Are We Ready for It?
–– We don’t know, Millennial reporter, are you?

‘I still have Daniel Craig’s swimming trunks’: confessions of a Hollywood costume designer
–– ‘Here, over my head.’

Hugh Grant Says He ‘Got Too Old’ and 'Ugly' to Continue Making Romantic Comedies
–– Granted.

France to review actor Depardieu's Legion d'Honneur medal following allegations
–– Consider replacing with dog collar, leash.

‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ Ending With Season 12 as Larry David Says ‘I Bid You Farewell’
–– Kicked to Curb.

Willem Dafoe recalls moment he learned his face was distinctive
–– Child couldn’t stop screaming.

Doja Cat Tells White Fans To “Watch Their Mouths” During Scarlet Tour Performance
–– And not be repeat offenders.

Go-Go’s Guitarist Jane Wiedlin Says She Was Sexually Molested At 15 By Famed DJ & Club Owner Rodney Bingenheimer – Report
–– No-no.

Dave Brubeck’s Former Oakland Treehouse Hits the Market for the First Time in Nearly 50 Years
–– Asking 3 mil –– will 'take 5.'

Filmmakers Behind Israel’s 2024 Oscar Submission To Tell Story Of All-Female Tank Unit Which Defended Against October 7 Terror Attacks
–– That shouldn’t be controversial in least.

Oscar Contender ‘Holy Cowboys’: In An India Of Rising Hindu Nationalism, The Sacred Cow Becomes “The Most Polarizing Animal”
–– Critics claim ‘it’s been nothing but beefs.’

Buckingham Palace releases this year’s Christmas card
–– Version for close family includes stuffed Elizabeth.

Prince Louis gets excited by toy gorilla as Princess of Wales and children help at baby bank
–– We suggest you don’t click link due to pedo laws.

Charles Barkley says it's a bad sign if your engagement goes beyond this length
–– And if you're taking marriage advice from basketball analyst.

Report: Shohei Ohtani to defer all but $20M of his $700M Dodgers contract until after its completion in 2034
–– Shohei: the money.

Shohei Ohtani's $700M Dodgers contract is huge — but its actual value is much lower
–– Just ‘insane’, not ‘f**king insane.’

Patrick Mahomes regrets outburst, calls it ‘not a great example for kids’
–– ‘Who hire me for all those ads.’

NBC removes Al Michaels from NFL playoff coverage, per report
–– Can't pry mic from hands.

Draymond Green suspended indefinitely from NBA after wild swing on Jusuf Nurkić as Warriors lose to Suns
–– Weakened Warrior.

How this surprising Christmas film became a fashion favorite
–– Collapse of taste on every level?

Abilene Christian University to revisit sexuality policy after ‘Holy Sexuality Week’
–– As Robin exclaimed to Batman.

Roasting broccoli whole is a more enchanting way to eat your trees
–– If you’re magical squirrel.

This Viral Lasagna Is One of New York’s Most Coveted Dishes. Here’s How It’s Made.
–– And here’s gastrointestinal symptoms associated with consumption.

’I was amazed at all the brown water that came out': These tablets can clean your coffee pot for just $2 a pop
–– We’ve been using iPad with no luck.

Dave's Single Vs The Big Mac: Which Is Better?
–– We ask rats.

Here’s What Customers Are Saying About McDonald’s New Spin-off Restaurant, CosMc’s
–– ‘Cos-what?’

Dunkin's Winter Menu Just Leaked And It Has A Brand New Drink
–– Which also leaked!

What It Means When Food Is 'Dying On The Pass' At A Restaurant
–– Submarine sandwich cook threw to server hit ground.

The bar was calling –– but I opened one in Mayfair instead of becoming a lawyer
–– Now drunk tank's calling.

Guide To The Best Cocktails At Epcot's Festival Of The Holidays
–– If you’re going to Disney World to get smashed, reexamine your life.

After his dog died, he adopted dozens of the oldest dogs he could find
–– Because he so enjoyed experience.

They bought a house in France for $20,000 without seeing it. Here’s what happened
–– They saw it?

Missouri funeral home gave family their loved one's brain in cardboard box, lawsuit says
–– Attached to spring!

Woman accused of trying to burn down MLK home denied bond
–– Authorities didn’t want to add fuel to fire.

Quando Rondo Arrested By FBI In Georgia For Federal Drug Charges
–– Will need to visit mondo bondo.

Mother of 6-year-old who shot his teacher sentenced to 2 years in prison for child neglect
–– And insufficient target practice.

13-year-old charged after allegedly planning a mass shooting at an Ohio synagogue, according to reports
–– Latest in necro baby phenomenon.

Alleged Illinois parade shooter to represent himself at trial starting Feb. 26
–– Crimo: the crap.

Detroit on pace for lowest homicide rate in nearly 60 years, Michigan officials say
–– Pool of victims shrunk.

2 arrested in Iredell County with 118 pounds of fentanyl, enough to kill 26.8 million people
–– Boy are they dumb –– there are only 192k in Iredell.

Man accused of stealing Pokemon cards beaten by Westerville officer during arrest
–– Authorities suspect Ash Ketchum.

‘If you want to hide something, put it in a book': Amazon's No. 1 bestselling diversion safe is on sale for just $13
–– Americans, especially thieves, don’t read.

Hitman who killed the pregnant girlfriend of former Panther Rae Carruth dies in prison
–– Offenseman down.

Apple unveils new security feature to safeguard against thieves
–– Mouse trap attached to iPhone.

A heavy building wouldn’t budge — so workers bought 700 bars of soap
–– And gave it good scrubbing!

So You’re Planning to chase cheap housing in Sacramento? We locals have just one demand first
–– Don’t exceed speed limit.

A Monumental Prehistoric Discovery In Siberia Rewrites Human History, Scientists Say
–– No one suspected dinosaur could hold pencil.

Neuroscientists discover source of “wave of death” at end of consciousness
–– Grim Reaper pretending to be Queen.

As the Moon Grows More Distant, Life on Earth Will Never Be the Same Again
–– Won’t even return IMs.

Voyager 1 stops communicating with Earth
–– In ‘galactic’ snit.

Ultraviolet light can kill almost all the viruses in a room. Why isn’t it everywhere?
–– PETA protests.

Jennifer Aniston texted with ‘happy and healthy’ Matthew Perry hours before his death
–– Geez, glad she didn’t go into nursing.

“My Second Father”: Rob Reiner Remembers Norman Lear
–– You remember controversial kid's book Meathead Has Two Daddies.

Andre Braugher, star of ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’ and ‘Homicide: Life On The Street,’ dies at age 61
–– Braugher outage.