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Mic Johnson
Week of 10/27/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Saitirical photo-illustration showing the podium of the Speaker of the House of Representatives and visually punning on the new electee Mike Johnson's name by showing the lower part of his body in a blue suit above the stand and the microphone pointing at his crotch.For Mike Johnson, Religion Is at the Forefront of Politics and Policy
–– Heaven help us!

Is Pumpkin Good for You?
–– Dropped from what height?

GOP speaker nominee Mike Johnson played a key role in efforts to overturn the 2020 election
–– Was liebacker on defense.

House Speaker Mike Johnson Blames Mass Shootings on “the Human Heart,” in Case You Were Thinking the GOP Might Actually Do Something About Guns
–– Which we blame on “the human brain.”

Mike Johnson Tells ‘Hannity’ Where to Find the New Speaker’s ‘Personal Worldview’: ‘Go Pick Up a Bible’
–– 'And find a prayer to save you from me.'

House Speaker Mike Johnson’s First Big Bill Cuts Biden’s Climate Change Funding
–– He's Prince of Denial.

Mike Johnson Suddenly Has Amnesia About His History of Anti-LGBTQ Comments
–– Queer aye for the straight guy?

Speaker Johnson on same-sex marriage: ‘I am a rule of law guy’
–– On gay sex: ‘I am law of rule guy. Top man.’

Bill Maher Calls New GOP Speaker ‘A Giant Gift’ for Democrats: ‘He Says Life Begins at Insurrection’
–– And refers to January 6th as 'Fist of the Epiphany.'

Who is Rep. Tom Emmer, the House GOP’s new speaker nominee
–– Minnesota lawmaker first elected to Congress in 2014, became majority whip earlier this year…

Tom Emmer, the House GOP's speaker designee, has dropped out
–– …and went on to set record for shortest-serving Speaker nominee in Congressional history!

Tom Emmer cast doubt on the 2020 election and supported lawsuit to throw election to Trump
–– And still wasn’t dumb enough for Freedom Caucus to support.

Donald Trump Storms Out of Trial with Secret Service 'Chasing' Behind, Prompting Courtroom Gasps: Report
–– C’mon, like he moves that fast.

Jimmy Fallon Says He’s Impressed Michael Cohen Avoided Same Room as Trump for 5 Years: Nearly Broke ‘Melania’s Record’ (Video)
–– Did beat her by getting within 20 ft.

Judge Forces Trump to Testify for Insult Then Fines Him $10K
–– He's character witness for insult.

“The jig is up": Trump goes berserk at news Meadows' testimony could "obliterate" Jan. 6 defense
–– Less jig more dance of death.

Special counsel urges judge to reimpose Trump’s federal gag order
–– Has ordered leather fetish gag with red basketball in middle.

Judge orders Ivanka Trump to testify in family’s civil fraud trial - as it happened
–– And you are there!

Trump calls New York judge a ‘nut job’ for ruling requiring Ivanka to testify
–– Adds with wink, ‘I get nut job when I think of her in box.’

‘Perfectly Illustrates His Level of Delusion’: Trump Compares Himself to Nelson Mandela In Recent Speech While Condemning Criminal Charges Against Him; Social Media Reacts
–– 27 years in prison would suit us.

Michael Cohen tells court he ‘reverse engineered’ Donald Trump’s financial statements
–– Kind of what God did in creating Trump himself.

Jenna Ellis becomes latest Trump lawyer to plead guilty over efforts to overturn Georgia’s election
–– Talk about nightmare team.

Economic growth so strong, Republicans are literally speechless
–– Except Mitch McConnell.

Why the GOP isn’t scared of the Dobbs effect anymore
–– Americans can’t remember what happened last week.

Rep. Dean Phillips is challenging Biden in Democratic presidential primary
–– Etching his name on Post-it of history.

Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky was the only Republican in the Foreign Relations Committee who voted with Democrats to advance Lew’s nomination to the Senate floor.
–– Skip to my Lew.

Sen. Bob Menendez pleads not guilty to charge alleging he conspired to act as a foreign agent of Egypt
–– Riddle of the finks.

Rep. Jamaal Bowman pleads guilty to misdemeanor for falsely pulling fire alarm in House office building
–– Wanted sick day, got it.

Mitch McConnell Gets Testy in CBS Confrontation About Health Issues
–– Reaches down, grabs right one.

Jill Biden helps debut modern version of "Schoolhouse Rock”
–– This one rot.

Hamas operatives used phone lines installed in tunnels under Gaza to plan Israel attack over 2 years, sources familiar with intelligence say
–– Terrorphone operators.

Several Hundred Hollywood Figures Sign Open Letter to Biden On Israel: “No Hostage Can Be Left Behind”
–– Joe must be thrilled writers’ strike over.

N.Y. Times Says It Was “Incorrect” to Rely on Hamas Claims to Wrongly Blame Israel for Gaza Hospital Blast
–– How about all other pro-Palestinian propaganda you publish?

Russia suffers 'significant losses', Orban says Ukraine 'can't win’
–– And Zelensky Hungary for encouragement.

Putin urges measures to stem illegal flow of weapons into Russia
-– Unless he’s stealing them.

George Santos told a NYT reporter his niece was kidnapped by Chinese Communists, but an official said he 'made it up’
–– Gang led by Dragon Lady.

A leading backer of Tim Scott's White House campaign says the senator's team 'fundamentally miscalculated what it means to run for president' amid sagging polls and Nikki Haley's gains
–– Won't get off Scott free.

The banks which loaned Elon Musk money to help buy Twitter expect to lose $2 billion on the debt, report says
–– Assumed they were twits.

Foreign Reporters Burst Into Tears During IDF Screening of Hamas’ Atrocities
–– They wished they'd shot footage.

Why Jews Cannot Stop Shaking Right Now
–– Their heads at articles like these?

Anderson Cooper had a realization about a hostage during a live interview with his parents
–– He’s kinda cute?

Dave Chappelle’s Words On Israel-Gaza Conflict Spark Cheers, Jeers And Walkouts In Audience
–– Comedy sketchy.

Maduro Antagonist on Track to Win Venezuela Primary
–– Red alert!

Nigeria’s paramilitary raids birthday party, arrests 76 gay people
–– Now decidedly uncheerful.

I visited the Sphere, Vegas' wild new entertainment venue, and thought the multi-sensory show was incredible
–– We roundly criticize.

De Los spooky movie guide: 13 scary movies Latines love
–– Latine Wolf? I Was a Latine-age Frankentein? Latine-agers from Outer Space?

James Bond Producer Says They “Haven’t Even Begun” Working on Post-Daniel Craig Era: “Big Road Ahead”
–– That’s kind of thoughtful prep that has you kill off main character in last clinker.

Taylor Swift Has Set the Stage for a Concert Film Boom
–– For acts as big as her.

Roger Ebert Once Panned ‘Three Amigos’ to Chevy Chase’s Face on ‘The Tonight Show’ — and It Led to an Epiphany
–– Film does stink.

Ana Navarro Accuses Jada Pinkett Smith of Holding Will Smith 'Emotionally Prisoner’
–– Can’t slap his way out of captivity?

Jean-Claude Van Damme Says Steven Seagal Once Turned Down $20M Offer to Fight Him
–– Told he was Dammed if you do, damned if you don't.

Richard Dreyfuss Thinks Steven Spielberg Played a Role in ‘Awful’ Portrayal of the ‘Jaws’ Star on Broadway
–– Treated like old chum.

Dwayne Johnson’s wax figure will be fixed after backlash
–– Was whitely criticized.

Bill Burr’s Netflix Movie ‘Old Dads’ Sharply Divides Critics, Audiences
–– Burr in critics’ saddles.

'The View' Gets Slammed After Whoopi Goldberg Abruptly Ends Morgan Freeman Interview
–– Because segment was over! Why we oughta’…

Hasan Minhaj Says Exposé on His Embellished Stand-Up Act Was ‘Misleading’ and ‘Made Me Look Like’ a ‘Psycho’; New Yorker ‘Stands By Our Story’
-––Hasan axe to grind.

Kristen Stewart Says Guy Fieri Won’t Officiate Her Wedding After All: He’ll ‘Be There in Spirit’
–– Never did consider asking him to cater it.

Robin Williams’ Former San Francisco Home Where He Raised Kids Listed for $25 Million by Ex-Wife — See Inside
–– Won’t leave hangers.

James Gandolfini Would Say ‘I F—ing Suck’ Out Loud and ‘Question Himself’ on ‘Sopranos’ Set, Recalls Jamie-Lynn Sigler: ‘I Appreciated That’
–– Sure pronoun wasn't 'you'?

Wynonna Judd Shows Off Incredible Weight Loss at Country Music Hall of Fame in New Photos
–– Dropped mama Naomi.

Hollywood Predicted Tupac Would be a Movie Star. His Response: “I’m Not Going to Be Alive”
–– Is that direct quote from Hollywood?

'30s star's shocking death still haunts Hollywood, author says: 'She didn't drown in her toilet’
–– Searching for her career.

Keith Richards says ‘about bloody time’ as Paul McCartney plays on Rolling Stones track
–– 'Wha' is it, like 1974?'

Lil Wayne joins major league Pickleball team as investor and advisor
–– Damaging which entity’s reputation more?

Hungry javelina tore up a golf course. The internet is on their side.
–– Boar brunt of it.

The Stratospheric Rise of Lionel Messi’s Pink Jersey
–– Messi cleaning up.

Nine reasons to be excited about the Rangers-Diamondbacks World Series
–– 9. Um, uh, we can't even name one.

Former MLB pitcher arrested in 2021 murder of his father-in-law, authorities say
–– Did he use heater?

A-Rod regrets not investing in Amazon, Microsoft or Starbucks in the '90s: 'I wouldn't have to work so hard today’
–– Aww-Rod!

Michigan State apologizes for displaying picture of Adolf Hitler on the videoboard before a football game
–– Sieg hike!

Ozempic and Wegovy Don’t Cost What You Think They Do
–– Oh right, we had conversation about how much we think they cost.

The $2,500 MRI That Told Me I Might Drink Too Much
–– Can’t afford to after that.

5 vegan Halloween recipes everyone will love
–– 5. Um, uh, we can't even name one.

A man from California got called out and denied after he asked for a 'scooped bagel' in NYC. He said the backlash has not changed his preference at all.
–– Says he prefers empty cannolis, too.

Georgia Restaurant Adds $50 Surcharge to 'Loud' Family’s Bill for 'Adults Unable to Parent’
–– Muzzle tov!

Flapper Pie Is An Underrated Staple Of The Canadian Prairies
–– Main ingrdients: bee's knees, cat's pajamas.

Italian woman wins court case to evict her two sons, aged 40 and 42
–– La douchey vida.

I met my husband at the airport. I talked to him at our gate and gave him my business card after we landed.
–– And relationship took off?

’We don't want our children to be waiters — waiting for us to die': Man who won $22 million lottery says he hasn't told his kids. Dave Ramsey loves it. Here's why
–– ‘We prefer they be waiters serving us at some posh restaurant where we tip them 10%.’

Why is everyone suddenly dressing like a cowboy?
–– Here in Old Tombstone Western Theme Park.

A 50-Year-Old Shocked Her Stylist of 10 Years With Soft, Healthy Strands Thanks to This $17 Mask
–– Strangled poor bastard, but gently.

Manhunt for Maine mass shooter drags on as search expands to river, woods
–– Not fields, streams, gullies?

Senate Voted to Let Vets With Mental Issues Keep Guns Hours Before Maine Shooting
–– Prescribed them steel-cased bullets for anxiety.

Stephen King on Maine mass shooting: ‘Stop electing apologists for murder’
–– ‘I can’t compete with monsters they create.’

Lauren Boebert Misspells Maine Town In Her 'Thoughts And Prayers' Tweet
–– How can she offer something she has none of?

Las Vegas woman left U2 concert to take $50K from ‘sugar daddy’s’ hotel safe: police
–– Rolled ace douche.

Off-Duty Pilot Accused of Trying to Cut the Engines on an Alaska Airlines Flight
–– On a glider note.

Alleged victim punches 80-year-old convicted sex offender in Las Vegas courtroom
–– Should've kneed in old chap.

Florida man bashes woman's head into tree stump because she woke him up on her way to the bathroom: deputies
–– Do they live in trees?

A company settled a suit for $23,500. It tried to pay with loose coins.
–– Faced pockets of resistance.

How your dog can live as long as Bobi, reported to have died aged 31
–– And why the hell you'd want him to.

10 most poisonous animals, from frogs to sharks. There may be some surprises…
–– What’s your spouse cooking for dinner?

Why the number of sea turtle nests in Florida are exploding, according to experts
–– Tortoise terrorists.

New ‘little bitty’ dinosaur discovered in North Texas near Grapevine rock formation
–– Teensy-Rex.

See the Face of an Inca Teenager Killed in a Ritual Sacrifice 500 Years Ago
–– Have a heart.

Mysterious 1.8-Million-Year-Old Hominid Was As Broad As A Modern Human
–– Loved slapstick, fart jokes.

Rock collected by Apollo 17 astronauts reveals moon’s true age
–– Slightly older than Rolling Stone.

Earth’s core may have been leaking helium for millions of years
–– Explains all the squeaky voices.

71% of Americans believe the climate crisis is harming people now, poll shows
–– You’re damp right.

Rapid melting in West Antarctica is ‘unavoidable,’ with potentially disastrous consequences for sea level rise, study finds
–– We only have shelf to blame.

Can We Save the Redwoods by Helping Them Move?
–– Pack your trunks.

Dusty Street, Pioneering Female DJ for Los Angeles Radio Station KROQ, Dies at 77
–– Swept away.

Richard Roundtree, Suave Star of ‘Shaft,’ Dies at 81
–– Almighty gives shaft.